


Stronger Than Us Both

by a_cumberbatch



Series: Strength & Lightning [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent John Winchester, Adam Milligan is Not Forgotten, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Cas is a dick at first, Castiel Has Issues, Complete, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, Dean is a Softie, Dean is a closet nerd, Ellen Harvelle and Bobby Singer are Dean Winchester's Parents, Fluff and Angst, Hate to Love, I promise there's a plot, Kinda, Love at First Sight, M/M, Married Ellen Harvelle/Bobby Singer, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester has a dog, Slow Build, Tags Are Hard, That's what's important, but who doesn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-07 11:32:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 208,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14670204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_cumberbatch/pseuds/a_cumberbatch
Summary: Cas is the new kid in a school for kids with supernatural powers. He's got a complicated past that he just wants to leave behind, but life starts going in a different direction when he meets Dean, the school's most popular and mysterious guy.





	1. Dodgeball & Dormhalls

○Cas○

I looked up at the gleaming white columns that held up the roof of the building, plucked straight out of the time of Greek gods and Roman gladiators.

_What am I doing here?_

I felt a hand clasp on my shoulder.

"You nervous?" a voice slurred behind me.

I turned and saw my older brother Gabriel, lips stained red, the end of a sucker sticking out of his mouth.

I laughed dryly and looked at the cracked sidewalk. "Nervous? Nervous! I'm out of place. Gabe, this is a super prestigious private school for _paratas_ kids. Why am I here?"

"Cas, you _are_ special. You just can't see it. That's why you're here. Obviously the administrators saw what I see in you. Come on. Chill."

I felt a wash of calm come over me and all my muscles relaxed. I shook my head and adjusted my bag, hitching it back onto my shoulder.

"Stop it. You're not supposed to use your powers on me." I met my brother's eyes as the calming resided like the tide going back to sea. I watched as the glistening purple faded out of his irises, changing back to their standard brown.

Gabe had powers of the mind and body. He could make you experience emotions of his choosing and could blind you on will. Mom and Dad thought he had other powers bubbling under the surface too. Gabe belonged here; I didn't.

All of a sudden, my vision went dark and the school was replaced with a scene from earlier that year, around April.

I saw myself laying on my bed, listening to music. My hair was a bit shorter than it was now, and I was wearing my black glasses. I heard Gabe's quick footfall, and he cleared his throat. I looked up and pulled one earbud out.

"You'll never believe what just came in the mail."

I watched as I rolled my eyes.

I remembered this day. This was the day I got my acceptance letter to Glen Rock Academy.

"What has come in the mail today, Gabriel?"

He held the envelope out so I could see. The past me, that is. Right now, I could only see the top of the thick manila envelope containing what I now know was my schedule and tuition information.

I noticed the top was torn, something I didn't see before. I liked seeing Gabe's point of view: he tended to pick up on details that my eyes scan over. I notice small things, but only if I pick it apart and analyze whatever I'm looking at.

"You got a free ride." I could practically hear the excitement ooze out of his voice. He studied the shock on my face as I sat up.

"Stop messing around Gabe. What is it really? Did you buy something off of Amazon again?"

Gabe's shoulders sagged and his grip loosened on the envelope. "No, Cas. You really did make it."

I rolled my eyes again, returning to my original position.

Then I saw it. I saw why Gabe showed me this day, this moment. My brother had one thought that passed his mind.

_He doesn't see how special he is._

The picture dissolved, and I was back at the base of the steps of the main building of the high school, my new contacts working to focus on what was in front of me. Gabriel looked at me expectantly.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll give it a chance. Just-" My words stopped with my breathing as my brother engulfed me in a hug. "Give me time," I finished.

The bells tolled as Gabe released me. They didn't sound like normal school bells, the ones that shrill and make you want to leave when they first chime. No, these were beautiful, and I felt myself taking that first step down the sidewalk leading around the school. I inhaled a deep breath when I made it to one of the additional buildings behind the portion that housed the core classes Glen Rock offered. First stop, P. E.

●Dean●

The campus was immense, almost as if it was its own dimension. Though, I suppose, it was; at least, our campus lied in a separate dimension from the _debilis_ world. That was the only way to keep us, and them, safe. I looked around the familiar buildings on the way from my dorm. Everything was flawless: the white columns, the Greek architecture, the perfectly trimmed grass. I always enjoyed Glen Rock the best out of all the hidden towns _paratas_ live in, and trust me, I'd seen my share. Yes, Willowdale in Iowa was great, and Lexon in New Hampshire had the most spectacular winters. This would always be my home, though. Whether it would be because I spent most of my life here, because my true family lived in the sleepy little town, or because we were far, far away from Alverton, South Carolina I wasn't sure.

My heart started racing, and I could feel the air pressing against my lungs, willing to break free.

 _No_ , I told myself. _You have to calm down. Don't think about her._

But it was hard not to relive the screams of my mother, the frantic look in my father's eyes, or the heat of the fire. I couldn't help but feel the pain in my head when I was knocked to the ground by something the intruder hit me with. I couldn't stop hearing the way his ribs crunched when I pushed him against the wall, getting my first taste of my super strength. I didn't want to think about his final parting before I shoved him out of the window of my baby brother, Sammy's, nursery. _Don't think that your dear ol' daddy can get out of our deal._ But the worst thing was the sounds of my mother's sobs as she told me that she loved me.

In a way, that was the best thing about that night. At least, I knew her last words. Those are usually the only things that calm me when I think about what happened to us all those years ago. I lost my mother when I was just four, but, in a way, I lost my father as well.

_No. You have a dad. You have a mom. You have a brother and a sister. That's all the family you could ever need._

The pressure released in my chest. Thank goodness, all I needed was another student to be hurt by my anger. If only I had a power that couldn't kill people accidentally. It would be wonderful to be able to disappear into the shadows; but no, I was stuck with super strength and elemental control. I don't know how many people can get blown away by my air control before I was put on permanent power arrest.

_Just don't think about it, Dean. This is a new year; maybe you can leave everything in the past._

I almost laughed aloud. If I hadn't let things go by now, it probably wasn't going to happen.

I didn't even have to look at my schedule; I had first block in the gym with the other athletes who were required to have a P.E. credit each year and any other upperclassman who put the class off until the last minute. I hated filling a space in my schedule with P.E. when there were much more interesting classes, but the football coach made the team take it.

_Thanks, Dad._

Rolling my eyes at seemingly nothing, I pushed open the doors.

○Cas○

I walked into the locker room and changed quickly. I didn't understand why I had P. E. first thing. I didn't understand why I had it at all. I was a senior, for God's sake. And I wasn't going to need to know how to play football in the medical field. I guess this is what I got for putting it off for three years. I sighed and sat on the bleachers, taking in my surroundings. I noticed a group of girls talking, who I assumed were cheerleaders, the cluster of football players, and a few other random students. I could see the door open to the weight room across the basketball court. There were the typical jocks who were in there, but I didn't pay much attention to them. Rather, I watched the one boy who was lifting weights that had to be four times his body weight and the small group around him. How interesting.

I felt someone at my side, and I jumped, little sparks twitching at the tips of my fingers.

"Whoa. That's so cool. Why were the sparks blue?"

I looked at my side and saw a small red head beaming at me like she just uncovered a lost da Vinci.

"Uh, I've never thought about it. I... don't really know."

"Well, I'm Charlie, human computer. And you are?" She jabbed her small hand at me. I raised my eyebrow, shaking her hand.

"I'm Castiel. Call me Cas. Human computer?"

She shrugged. "It's what I call myself. If you ever need to break into a building and get past security, I'm your girl." She said the last part in a hushed voice. "I can do about anything with technology." She leaned in, and her eyes glistened mischievously. "Wanna see?"

"Uh, sure." _Why not?_

She held her hands palm up, and the lines tracing her skin started to glow green. A spark appeared at the ceiling, and the sprinklers started shooting water. The cheerleaders squealed and ran for cover, which caused us to start laughing.

"Oh, I'm keeping you," I chuckled.

The water stopped dripping, and Coach Singer walked out of his office.

"I understand that this is your first day, so I won't go too hard on you. I planned on an easy day to go over a few things, but thanks to this little joke, I have a different idea. Dodgeball, everyone! You can give your friend credit for that. And to whoever that is, if anything like this happens again, dodgeball will be the last of your worries."

He blew his whistle and captains started picking teams. Charlie and I ended up on a boy named Luke's team.

"So, what's up with the electricity?" Charlie asked as she caught a ball and sent it flying into a girl on the opposite side.

"It's lightning, not electricity. Other than that, I'm not too sure." I dodged a red sphere. "The sparks are more of a nervous thing. You scared me and my fingers lit up. I can't explain it."

"You'll figure it out soon. In the meantime, duck!"

I looked and saw the boy who was lifting weights earlier throw a ball at me. Before I could react, it collided into my shoulder. That kid must have super strength because it sent me flying back into the wall. I saw his eyes widen, whether it was because of what he did or because my hands exploded lightning, I'm not sure. The bolts only went a few feet, but he saw it. He stood frozen as Charlie helped me up.

"He's got an arm on him."

Charlie laughed and walked over to the bleachers with me, her hand gently touching my shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm fine. Maybe that will get me out of gym class for a while."

"Okay. I can laugh now. Cas, you've got to see your hair." She started rummaging through her bag and pulled out her phone, snapping a picture of me. "Look."

My hair was standing in every direction; and if it wasn't already raven black, I'm pretty sure it would have been scorched.

"I need to get that under control."

She shook her head. "Nah. I like your hair messy like that." We watched the boy take out person after person. I noticed he was throwing much easier. Every once in a while, I thought he was looking at me, but I must've been imagining it. I frowned. For whatever reason, I didn't quite like the idea of him staring at me.

The bells chimed for the next class, and Charlie gathered her things. "Where are you going next?"

"Medical Assisting. You?"

"Computer Programming. Here." She grabbed my hand and started writing on it. Her phone number.

"Charlie-"

She gave me a pointed look. "No, not like that. I have a girlfriend. Text me sometime. You need a good friend here."

With that she disappeared into the girls' locker room. I headed in the other direction. Getting undressed, I put on my new school uniform, struggling to tie the red tie and tucking it into my grey sweater vest. I started out of the room when I ran into something. Er, someone.

"Sorry," I mumbled. I almost pushed up my glasses when I remembered my contacts. Old habits die hard. I looked up into bright green eyes.

"I was hoping to run into you. Though I didn't mean literally."

It was him. I didn't say anything.

"Is your shoulder alright?" I nodded, and he went on. "Okay, good. My strength gets out of hand every once in a while. I was hoping that I didn't hurt you."

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine." I brushed past him and picked up my books, throwing my bag over my left shoulder. It felt awkward, but better than my now injured right one.

"I didn't catch your name," the boy called after me.

"That's because I didn't give it."

●Dean●

Once I changed into a pair of basketball shorts and an old T-shirt, I headed into the weight room. Some of the guys I talked to on the football and wrestling teams were there. There were only a handful of people who could actually be near me for any given moment. It's not like I'd ever done anything to warrant it, but some people would practically cower in my presence. Maybe it was due to one of my outbursts, though that only happened three times, but it was most likely my past. The whole school seemed to think I was the most interesting _paratas_ on the planet, but they didn't know the truth. Sure, they knew about the power hungry unstable _paratas_ named Azazel Lehne that killed my mother, but that was about the extent. Most had their suspicions about the stability of my father, but they didn't know for sure. Of course, I wouldn't ever tell them how close to the truth they were. I wouldn't even tell my closest friends.

Speaking of my closest friends, they noticed me from across the room and walked towards me. Benny was stuck in the same situation as me, being on the football team. We just forced Adam to endure gym each year with us.

Benny clapped me on the back. "It's been a while, Winchester."

"Just three months, Lafitte." I nodded to Adam, receiving a dip of his head in return.

While Adam lived in South Dakota as well, Benny's home was in Clearfield, Louisiana. He was one of the many kids who came from quite a distance to come to the best _paratas_ school in the country. I hadn't seen Benny since May, but I saw Adam quite frequently.

I noticed a few other guys I knew, but none ever spoke to me. Without dwelling on them, I focused on the two boys in front of me.

"Hey, Dean, you wanna show the freshmen what you can do?"

I rolled my eyes at Benny. He, of course, was speaking of my strength. It seemed like we always showed off the first day of school, just to prove a point. That began when the upperclassmen tried to push the three of us around our freshman year. Let's just say that they didn't bother us after I bench pressed three times my weight.

So, I showed off a little. Alright, I showed off a lot. The looks on the freshmen's faces were always so priceless. Though, the group around me dispersed when the sprinklers in the main portion of the gym went off.

Everyone started murmuring as we walked out. "What happened?" "Did something catch on fire?" "Well, it wasn't Dean this time." "Not on the first day."

I didn't even make it to the door before the water stopped dripping from the ceiling. Turns out, it was only a prank on some of the cheerleaders. I couldn't help but laugh.

Dad walked out of his office, his disbelief radiating from across the room. "I understand that this is your first day, so I won't go too hard on you. I planned on an easy day to go over a few things, but thanks to this little joke, I have a different idea. Dodgeball, everyone!" he yelled, unnecessarily using his powers. If I didn't live with the man, I would've been intimidated. "You can give your friend credit for that. And to whoever that is, if anything like this happens again, dodgeball will be the last of your worries."

We were then separated into teams, and I somehow ended up with both Adam and Benny. We all shared a grin before my dad blew his whistle.

After a pretty easy game, I threw one of the balls at a kid with messy black hair since he seemed like an easy target. Was it a bit wrong to go for him when he was talking to the girl next to him? Maybe.

Well, as it turns out, I threw the ball a little too hard. Sometimes I didn't know my own strength. He was knocked a few feet behind him, into the wall. Right before he did, sparks of blue lightning flew from his hands, causing a few students to stare at him. Including me.

And that's the moment that I realized that I didn't recognize him. He must have been new, which didn't surprise me. Every year, we seemed to have a few new kids move here. The next thing that I noticed was that the kid was pretty hot. Like, damn.

He walked to the bleachers with the girl he was talking to. Her name was Charlie, and if I didn't know that she had a girlfriend, I would have been jealous of the way she flitted around him.

_Dean. No, you can't think like that. You're sounding oddly possessive over this boy you don't know._

Putting those thoughts aside, the bell for next period began, and I went to change back into my school uniform. Maybe the other kids wanted to impress people on the first day, but I just stuck to the white dress shirt, black pants, and standard red tie. The only difference was that I was wearing my red Converse. The dress code never addressed shoes, and the administration never seemed bothered by it.

After I finished, I looked at the crumpled schedule I shoved into my pocket for my next class. It was an AP _debilis_ history class taught by a new teacher. I always really liked history and world studies, and Mom and Dad always pushed me to take advanced classes. When that class appeared during scheduling last year, it seemed too good to be true.

As I was heading to the door, I ran into the black haired boy. "Sorry," he mumbled. He tried to push up glasses he seemed to forget he didn't have on. I laughed a little.

_Man, he's even hotter up close._

"I was hoping to run into you. Though I didn't mean literally," I joked, trying to come off charming and smooth. He just ignored me.

"Is your shoulder alright?" He nodded. "Okay, good. My strength gets out of hand every once in a while. I was hoping that I didn't hurt you." I didn't know why, but I wanted him to understand that I didn't mean for any of that to happen. Maybe I could get to him before the rumors did.

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine," he said, brushing past me.

"I didn't catch your name," I called out to him.

"That's because I didn't give it."

Maybe I was too late. Maybe he hated me already.

○Cas○

I walked into my Medical Assisting class in the elective wing of the main building and settled in the front seat of the row by the door. I was one of the first students since I was about five minutes early. One of the perks of this school was there were ten minutes between classes as some of the buildings were quite a distance apart. Though, like my old high school, each block was ninety minutes long.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone sit in the desk to my left.

"I'm Kevin Tran," he said. I turned and saw an Asian boy who looked a few years younger than me, even though I soon learned he was a junior. He was holding out his hand. I smiled and shook it.

"Castiel Novak. But you can call me Cas."

"Well, Cas, it's nice to meet you. Why are you here?"

It was a vague question, yet I knew what he meant. "I have no idea. You?"

He smirked. "Omnilingualism. I'm basically Google Translate."

I nodded. "So, today I've met the human computer, Hulk's smaller, less green twin, and Google Translate. Cool."

He raised his eyebrows. "The human computer? You met Charlie Bradbury? Senior, redhead?"

"Yeah." I pointed up to the ceiling. "She set off the sprinklers."

"On purpose?"

"Yes."

Kevin smiled. "That sounds like her. So, you don't know what your power is?" He sounded skeptical.

I shrugged and looked at my hands, the same hands that pulsed with electricity last period. "I can do a few things."

"Like?"

I nodded to the window where two wilting plants sat. My lips quirked up; and the leaves grew greener, the stems taller, and the flowers bloomed again.

"That's really neat. That could come in handy if you needed a certain plant to treat someone."

Just then, our teacher, Mrs. Singer, walked in.

"Alright, class. I won't bore you with all the details you've heard every year and will continue to hear for the rest of the day. I've compiled the rules and gave you each a copy. I expect you to read them as I will not be going over them later. And the only rule I wish to speak of today is that when I give an assignment, you had better complete it. You are students taking a college class and I will accept no less. Okay, let's begin today's lesson. Would everyone please take out their books and turn to chapter one?"

●Dean●

I got upstairs to my _debilis_ history class and looked around the room for a seat. Benny had beat me to class and was sitting in the back; when he saw me, he waved me over. Usually, this wasn't his thing, but I talked him into it. And by that, I mean that I promised I would help him win drum line captain that year. He didn't need much help, actually Benny was the best tenor player our school has seen, but he didn't need to know that. Plus, I couldn't play drums to save my life, so I don't know why he agreed to it. I really only gave him suggestions or fixed his counting.

As I walked back, I glanced at the room and on the board, in scribbly handwriting was "Balthazar's AP _Debilis_ History Class." Balthazar? Our schedules said Mr. Roché. This guy already seemed interesting, and he wasn't even in class yet.

"So, Dean," Benny started, "have you met Meg? She's new." He gestured toward a girl with blonde hair who was sitting next to him.

"Uh, no. I haven't actually," I admitted. "Hi, Meg. I'm Dean, Dean Winchester." I extended my hand and she shook it.

"Hello, Dean. I'm Meg, Meg Masters," she said with a wink, almost mocking me. "Have a seat," she added, gesturing to one in front of her.

I did as she told me, a little wary of her attitude at first. As I talked to her, though, I learned that she was actually really funny. By the time our teacher walked in, Benny and I had both exchanged phone numbers with her.

"Hello, class," the tall man said, speaking with an thick accent. After a mumbling from the room as a reply, he snorted. "That was pathetic. I hope you all will be a little more lively in class." He pointed to the board behind him. "As you can see, I don't like being called Mr. Roché. In this class, I'd like for you all to call me Balthazar. That, of course, is my name. We're going to be discussing the past of the _debilis_ world, and how we're impacted by it today. We should get a lot covered, but only with your cooperation. I'm looking forward to this semester with you." He walked behind his desk, mumbling something along the lines of, "As long as we don't get to the _Titanic_. God, I hate that movie."

I started laughing, though no one else seemed to hear our teacher.

_Well, this is going to be amusing._

○Cas○

As soon as MA was over, Kevin and I grabbed a quick lunch, before walking to the science wing. I had AP _Paratas_ Studies this semester while he had AP Biology. We parted ways at his classroom and promised to meet up for dinner later.

I quickly ran up the stairs and took a deep breath at the door. When I finally entered, I felt late, though I was five minutes early. I noticed Hulk in the back corner with a few other jocks. I clenched my jaw and continued to scan the classroom, not letting my eyes linger on him. I didn't see Charlie and most of the others didn't look inviting so I took the seat in the front, this time by the window.

I got bored and pulled out a sheet of notebook paper. I started doodling and by the time our teacher, Mr. Potter, came in, I had drawn a pair of intricate wings.

"Hello class, my name is Mr. Potter, and this is AP _Paratas_ Studies."

I heard someone laugh from the back. "Mr. Potter? What is your first name? Harry?"

The teacher raised his eyebrow. "No. In fact, my name is Craig."

I stifled a laugh as whoever spoke up before fell into silence.

"Alright. Let's begin. For all of you to master your powers, you must first understand the concept and scientific background. But it goes beyond that, though we'll get to that part later. For now, I hope you all know biology."

Thank all things holy that it took AP Bio in my old high school.

_This will be fun._

°°°

Ninety blissful minutes later, I gathered my books and made the trek to my Anatomy class.

●Dean●

After Balthazar spoke about fire drills and whatnot, class was nearly finished. He let us have free time for the last ten minutes, which I spent talking to Benny and Meg. I learned that she used to live in Wrensville, Ohio, but her family moved here a few weeks ago. She also informed us that she had elasticity for a power, and she demonstrated by stretching her arm across to Benny's desk. I, personally, wanted to throw up seeing that.

Thankfully, the bells went off across campus, meaning I didn't have to watch Meg stretch any more limbs. On my way to the band room, I stopped at the cafeteria for a sandwich and ate it as I walked. I spent the next forty-five minutes preparing for marching band registration and auditions, something that was coming up soon. I was almost finished when the bells rang again. With a loud sigh that Mr. Harrison glared at me for, I left for AP _Paratas_ Studies, back in the history wing. Too bad my schedule didn't line up better, otherwise I'd only have to walk next door between _debilis_ and _paratas_. I was the first one there, and I took a seat in the back. The front row just made me uneasy. After most of the kids filled in, I noticed the black haired boy from gym as he sat in the very section that I tended to avoid.

Our teacher came into the room, and he began to introduce himself.

"Hello class, my name is Mr. Potter, and this is AP _Paratas_ Studies."

I laughed to myself and added a smart comment, even though I knew it was rude. "Mr. Potter? What is your first name? Harry?"

The teacher looked towards me, and I looked away. "No. In fact, my name is Craig."

That left me speechless, an odd occurrence. Without any other distractions, he went on about genetics. While I understood everything he said, I was bored. I hated biology. I wished we would hurry and get to the history part of class, but I knew we had to cover other material before that. I guess I just had to sit through a few painful lessons for now.

After ninety minutes of the seemingly longest class I've ever sat through, the bells finally rang.

I started my way downstairs towards Anatomy, and I noticed that boy was going in the same direction that I was. He was just everywhere I had to go, wasn't he?

○Cas○

Again, I took the front seat and after a few seconds, Hulk walked in. It felt like he was following me. I accidently met his eyes and he smiled. Rather than smiling back, I averted my gaze. Someone hovered over my desk, probably Hulk; I lowered my head and the shadow moved on. After ten minutes of silence and our teacher, Mr. Johnson, walked in.

He started to drone on about rules of the classroom, fire drills, basic crap that was on a list that one of our classmates, Hannah I believe was her name, was passing out. I could just read them later.

I stared at my desk for the entire time, not even noticing that the bells had chimed until everyone stood up to leave. I followed suit and trudged across the building to the elective wing on the first floor where my locker was located. I was just glad we were given lockers after orientation, so I didn't struggle finding it.

I tossed my textbooks in the small metal box, grabbed the few things I needed, and slammed the door. The few people left in the halls looked startled, but I really didn't care.

I left the main hub of students gathered outside the main building and started toward my dorm room. It was only the first day, and I was already done with people. I needed a nap.

●Dean●

I followed the black haired boy downstairs to the science wing. Oddly enough, we had the same Anatomy class. He took a seat at the front of the room and looked up at me. I smiled, trying to be friendly; he just looked away.

 _What was his problem?_ I thought to myself. _Why are the attractive ones always rude?_

When our teacher, Mr. Johnson, came in, he went on and on about the rules and even handed out a page for them. I just shoved it into a book and waited until class was over. All I could think about was if it would be weird to go talk to that boy. There was just something about him; I couldn't get him out of my head.

At last, the day was over. I tried to reach the kid before he left class, but he got out of that door so fast, someone would think he had super speed.

Giving up, I just went to my dorm, not even stopping at my locker. I just took my books back to my room.

 _I still have to help Jo finish up paperwork for band,_ I thought as I walked. _I wonder if she wants me to come home today or if she'll just meet me at my dorm._

I sighed loudly. This long day wasn't quite over.

○Cas○

I made it to my door and shifted my folders and MA book to my left arm. Being lazy, I fumbled blindly for my keys. In the process, I dropped not only my keys, but all my arm's contents as well. "Shit," I muttered and bent down. I gathered my school supplies but couldn't find my keys. A pair of red Converse appeared in front of me, and I looked up into the green eyes of a boy. Hulk. And he was holding my keys. I stood up and frowned. "What? Are you stalking me now?" I asked harshly.

He frowned. "No." The way he said that sounded like a question. "I actually didn't see you until a second ago. You just dropped your keys, and they went in front of my door." He pointed to his room. "Hm. I guess we live across from each other."

I huffed. _Great_. He just stared at me with those bright eyes of his, not sensing my annoyance. I cleared my throat. "Could I have my keys back?" I watched as he curled the only access to my room in his palm. I could see the neon green keychain my little sister, Anna, made me a few years ago. I winced a little as one pipe cleaner bent in his grip. He knew I couldn't leave unless he let me have my keys back. I was trapped outside a locked room. How ironic.

He went to hand my keychain over, but stopped himself. "I just want to make sure you're actually okay. Sometimes being hit with super strength can be worse later on. Trust me, I should know; my brother shares that wonderful power. Thanks father," he mumbled.

"I'm fine," I snapped. "My keys."

He finally gave me my keys back. "Oh, I never learned your name."

"Castiel. My name is Castiel."

_This boy obviously does not know when to let this go. I just want to go and sleep. Is that so wrong?_

"I'm Dean Winchester. I hope we could talk again without it being a confrontation." The way he said that was so hopeful. _Why does he want to talk to me?_

He painfully reminded me of someone else with his cheerful and suave demeanor. Just like him, Dean wanted my attention despite my attitude towards him.

I had such a strong sense of déjà vu. _No. This wasn't going to happen again._


	2. Coffee Shops & Class Shocks

●Dean●

I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock, hearing it make a noise that probably wasn't good.

_I've really got to control my strength in the mornings. My family is going to go into debt from all the alarm clocks I have to buy. I need to invest in one of those more expensive clocks that are power-resistant._

Luckily, this one seemed to be tougher than the last, so I could still read the time on it. It was six. While that was still three hours before I needed to be in class, I knew I had to take a trip to the coffee shop that was just a ten minute walk away if I was going to stay awake. I was really going to miss having an endless supply of caffeine so close to home next year. Though, I suppose the extra exercise wasn't going to hurt. Besides, I would only have to walk from the college dorms and through the web of high school buildings, the high school dorms, and down my usual path to the coffee shop.

After staring at the ceiling and contemplating staying in bed for the rest of the day, I got up and got dressed. Thinking that I should try a little more than yesterday, I put on the grey blazer I only wore when I felt like making a statement or impression.

And I definitely wanted to make an impression on that new boy Castiel. I didn't know why I was so drawn to him, but I knew that I wanted to get closer to him. Maybe I just liked the fact that he didn't know me or anything about me.

Maybe I just liked the fact that he was hot.

Whatever the reason, I knew that winning him over would take more than looking nice.

With a sigh, I threw my keys into my pocket and closed the door behind me. I glanced at the door across the hall and smiled. _I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I just hope that can be me._

○Cas○

I groaned when my alarm clock started blaring the annoying buzzing I forgot I hated. "What time is it?" I checked my phone and did a very good impression of a dying whale. "No, no, no. I wanted to wake up at seven o'clock _yesterday_ , not today. What am I going to do for two hours until class?" I stared at the wall like I was in the Office. "I'm talking to myself."

"Yes. You are. Now could you _shut up_?" Adam, my roommate, mumbled into his pillow.

"Sorry."

I quickly got ready, not even bothering to change out of the sweatpants I slept in. I'll just come back to get my uniform before school, I thought. Since I was feeling lazy today, I grabbed my glasses and ran a hand through my hair as I went to get coffee from the cute little shop near the dorms.

●Dean●

I zoned out as I walked, not even thinking about anything in particular. Okay, that wasn't entirely true. I did seem to keep coming back to a particular someone.

 _Oh, what is wrong with you?_ the voice in my head seemed to yell. _You are Dean Winchester, not some stupid, lovesick middle school girl. Stop thinking about him already. Just accept that no one is going to get that close to you again for a while. After high school, you can move anywhere you want. No one will know you; you can have a fresh start._

I smiled at the thought. _That will be nice. But for now, I'm right: I can't focus on this boy._

Content, I ordered my usual coffee. Once London handed me my cup, I threw a wink at her, which I knew she was freaking out over. London was a junior and had been practically in love with me since our first band practice her freshman year. She tried so hard to talk to me, but the only things that we had in common were controlling a portion of the elements and being able to play the baritone saxophone. She was more than disappointed to learn that I had gotten myself a boyfriend sophomore year, but she somehow still had hope. I guess the fact that I was bisexual dismissed the fact that I was in a relationship. Even after Blake and I broke up six months ago, London never seemed like an option for me. She was a great girl, though. I ought to see if Adam hits it off with her.

After spending too much time playing on various apps on my phone, I looked around the room for Benny. Usually, he came to get coffee at seven for himself and his roommate, Tyler. He was the only _paratas_ in South Dakota that had the ability to fly. Not that it was a rare power. No, flight was one of the most common powers there was. My home state was just one of the few geographical areas that produced more levitation abilities than flight. Tyler was really funny, but he was one of those kids that you could only take for a certain amount of time. I was sure that if Benny didn't have superspeed and could get away from his roommate very quickly, he would've probably moved in with me by then. I wouldn't have minded sharing a room with my best friend, because for the past few years, I'd lived alone in the dorms. Well, I originally had a roommate, but he didn't trust me very much and hated me a lot, so Mom and Dad got me my own dorm. They knew that I didn't want to live at home anymore, and they respected that. In sixth grade, I learned the whole truth about my blood family, and I was terrified that I would end up like my father: stuck from bad decisions, missing the people I cared about most, crazy, and worst of all, unstable. I didn't want to hurt the people who raised me for the past three years, my new sister, or my little brother. So, I moved out and kept the knowledge of my family's past behind.

Because, no matter how many times my dad told me _Family don't end in blood_ , John and Mary were my blood parents, and people were going to judge _me_ by what _they_ did. If anyone knew the truth, I'd be hated even more than I already was.

I let out a long breath as I tried to focus on what I was doing. Too often, my mind drifted from topic to topic. I was looking for my friend, though I didn't see him.

While Benny was strangely missing, I noticed a familiar face walk in. After he got his coffee, I caught his eye and motioned for him to sit with me.

He didn't seem like he wanted to, but he wasn't going to be rude. Hesitantly, he walked over.

_God bless his parents for teaching him manners._

○Cas○

I sighed pretty loudly, which got a few looks from other people. I didn't want to talk to this guy. David? No, Dean. Dean Win-something-or-other. Maybe I could make some excuse to be legitimately anywhere but right there. Putting off the moment I had to speak to him, I took a long drink of my coffee.

"Hey, Castiel. Man, that's a mouthful. Do you mind if I call you Cas?"

I lowered my cup, biting the inside of my cheek. I'd talked to him for not even a collective ten minutes, and he already was calling me by my nickname my family and Levi used. At the thought of his name, I tasted blood in my mouth. I realized that I still had my cheek in between my teeth, so I forced myself to stop.

"If you must," I told him. I didn't know how I felt about him calling me the same thing my little sister, Anna, did when she was learning to talk. Well, I guess all my younger siblings called me that- Cas, Teal, or sometimes just Ass- but Anna was always one of my favorite siblings. Gabe came in a close second, but Anna had him beat.

"I," he stopped, seeming to collect his thoughts. "I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I really do just want to make sure you're okay."

_Oh, not this again._

"I'm perfectly fine; I told you this yesterday. I'm tougher than I look. Being thrown against the wall didn't even faze me. Trust me, I've been through worse."

The look in his eyes was almost a mixture between pity and anger; I didn't know what to make of it. I just wanted him to shut up. Why did I have to say that much?

"Okay," Dean nodded. "But if you start hurting, go to Mrs. Singer; I know from personal experience that she can take care of that."

The smirk on his face was the kind you would wear when telling someone a shared joke that no one else understands. If I cared at all, I might have asked what he meant.

He watched me as I shifted in place. _Would it be rude to leave now?_ Dean laughed, which pulled me out of my thoughts. "I'm really digging the sweatpants." He met my eyes and smiled. "And you look really good in glasses. You should wear them more often."

_What?_

"Uh... Thanks. You know, I've got to get back to my room to get ready. I'll see you later."

"See you later, Cas," he called after me.

_What the hell?_

●Dean●

I couldn't help but chuckle at the way he acted around me. It was like he didn't care who I was at all; it felt nice to be a regular high schooler and not Dean Winchester, the boy who was a ticking time bomb. They all just watched me and waited for me to start unraveling. It was ridiculous. Just because my father lost control of his powers and himself didn't mean that I would.

But it was like Cas didn't know about any of that. Or maybe he just didn't care. I couldn't say which I thought was better.

I continued to laugh to myself. _Who was this kid?_

My amusement was interrupted by the door to the coffee shop being thrown open. "Hey, Benny," I greeted, walking over to him. "Why are you late?"

"I overslept. Tyler was up all night on the phone with his girlfriend. He was just talking all night and was being so loud that I couldn't sleep. I wanted to run his phone down to you so you could snap it in half." He chuckled to himself, yet he didn't seem amused. "Why didn't I switch to your room? You don't have a girlfriend that you yell at over the phone, do you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Come on, Lafitte. And besides, it's too late to change anything."

"I know," he huffed. "Go on to your room, and I'll meet you there a little after eight."

"Whatever." I finished off my coffee and tossed the cup in the garbage can. _Might as well leave now._

•••

Once Benny got to my room, it was almost twenty after eight. He was grumbling about his "stupid, lazy roommate" and how he could "get his own damn coffee next time".

We started walking to the gymnasium so we could fool around in the weight room. On days like this, we tend to laugh at each other before showing off. I watch Benny struggle to lift twice his body weight, and Benny watches me fall on my face while stumbling on the treadmill.

"So, what's on your mind, Dean-o?" He gave me a sideways glance and smirked. "Or, I should say, who?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on. The last time I saw you like this was sophomore year when you were drooling over Blake. At least this time you're a little focused. You didn't tie your shoelaces together this morning either. Nice. I guess you're starting to handle interacting with other human beings. Congrats."

I rolled my eyes, though I knew every word he said was true. "What are you talking about?"

"The staring into space, the stupid smile you've got right now, you're not talking much, and you were drumming on your desk with your fingers all day yesterday. All day. God, you play the flute, not percussion."

"I don't play the flute, moron; I play the piccolo. They're two completely different things."

"Sorry," he said in a way that wasn't apologetic in the least.

"Who is it? From the way you've not shut up about the gym, I'm guessing we have first block with them."

_I might as well tell him. He's not going to leave me alone if I don't. Oh, who am I kidding? This guy's not ever going to leave me alone._

"You know the new kid?" I began.

His face paled a little. "Meg?"

"Huh? No." Benny visibly relaxed. _Alright, something was definitely going on with those two._ "The guy in our gym class with the black hair."

"The one you hit with a dodgeball yesterday?" I nodded. "And I'm guessing he hasn't given you the time of day." I shook my head 'no'. Cas hadn't exactly been a good conversationalist in my presence. "Well, that's fantastic."

"What about you and Meg?" I snapped. He wasn't getting away with making fun of me for thinking Castiel was the hottest guy this school has ever witnessed.

"Shut up."

○Cas○

I immediately changed out of the sweatpants I might burn and exchanged my glasses for my contacts. The last thing I needed was for this guy who acted so much like my ex-boyfriend to waltz in my life right now. _Oh yeah, I look amazing in these sweatpants. I know I'm hot in glasses; you don't have to tell me, Dean. Ugh! Why is this boy so infuriating?_

I looked in the mirror above the sink that was just outside our door to the shared bathroom and slammed my fist on the stone surface, which was accompanied by a clap of thunder.

"Castiel, are you alright?" Adam asked me. He seemed like he'd cooled down since I left. My roommate must not be a morning person.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why don't you go ahead to gym? You don't have to wait for me."

"Okay."

Once he passed me on the way to the door, I went back and sat on my bed. I spent the time I should've been using to do something productive to repeatedly grow random sprouts in the flower pot my sister gave me before I left California.

"Take good care of this flower because I grew it especially for you" she told me. "I'll tell the bees to visit and keep it safe, alright?" While this might sound like the ramblings of a child, my eight-year-old sister had exceptional control over flowers and bees. It was an interesting combination, but it's adorable. Her powers are most likely going to expand to insects and other plants; right now, she just had flowers and bees.

With a glance at the time and a groan, I decided I should probably show up for class today. I walked into gym a few minutes before the bells rang, trying to stay away from Dean as best as I could. I ducked into the locker room, not making eye contact with any of the guys, before going back out to meet Charlie.

"You'll never believe what just happened to me."

She snapped her head up from her phone. "Cas! I was worried that you got sick or something: you didn't show up for dinner."

"Sorry, I fell asleep."

She nodded, but it seemed like she was somewhere else today. "What happened?"

"Oh, I went to go get coffee and-" A loud whistle stopped me, and Coach Singer started talking. "I'll tell you later."

°°°

"Charlie, do you like basketball?"

She started putting her hair into a ponytail. "Cas, do I look like a basketball person?"

"Well, no. I was just hoping that someone knew what they were doing. Because I don't."

"On the bright side, Dean Winchester is staring at you again."

I scoffed. "No, he isn't."

I looked over at him as we split into teams. Oh, he _was_ staring at me. It was weird, actually.

I just ducked my head and tried not to make eye contact. _This is awkward._ After we finished the game, Charlie and I parted, going to our respective locker rooms. I tugged off my T-shirt and grabbed my button up when I felt someone's eyes on me. Curious, I turned around.

"Dean, what the hell?"

I spun back around and finished getting dressed. Taking a deep breath, I faced him again.

"What do you want? What couldn't wait until I had clothes on?"

●Dean●

Everyone was watching us, either out of the corner of their eyes or directly staring. I glared at every boy in the locker room that would make eyes contact with me, and they all looked away.

I stepped closer to Cas, laying my hand on his shoulder. He flinched at my touch and backed away from me "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I just wanted to come and talk."

"Well, if you are going to ask if I'm okay _again_ , I'll save you the trouble. The only thing that's wrong is that you won't leave me alone."

His bright blue eyes that seemed so angry as he yelled at me suddenly seemed lost and distant all of a sudden. "I don't want to talk to you. Just stay away from me. Please," he breathed out. He way he said that told me that there was so much more than what he was saying. His attitude was because of more than him disliking me. His panicked expression was hiding something; it wasn't hiding it well, though.

But whatever his story was, I wouldn't ever find out. While it hurt to lose a chance to pursue this extremely interesting, and I've got to say attractive, boy, I had to respect him. I decided to do whatever would make him happy; if this was it, I'd do it. If he wanted me gone, I was gone. It was going to be difficult not running into him since he lived across the hall from me and we had three classes together. Though, if it made him more comfortable, I would do my best to stay out of his way.

While I never put much stock in destiny and all that before, I was starting to think there was a fate. She must enjoy watching me suffer.

○Cas○

My heart was racing sporadically as I waited for him to answer me. I thought Dean was going to try to convince me that he was worth my time or that he was only trying to look out for me. Instead, he nodded. "Okay. I'll see you around, Castiel."

Without another word, he walked across the locker room to a tall brunet who'd been watching us the entire time. The look on his face almost made me call him back. It wasn't like Levi's expression when I rejected him the first time: he'd just laughed and continued to talk to me. Later, he even asked me out again. Dean looked like he'd given up. That alone made me think that I made a mistake.

I shook my head and left the locker room, not making eye contact with anyone. Charlie was waiting for me by the bleachers. "Cas!" she called when I got close. "Do you want to meet me and Kevin for dinner after- Wait, what happened? Your face is really pale."

"It kind of has something to do with what I was going to tell you earlier," I sighed. "I'll explain everything later; it'll take a while. Dinner?"

Charlie nodded, though, she still looked worried. "Yeah, there's a café near the park that we were planning on going to tonight. Kevin can meet you in the boys' commons and show you the way."

"Perfect."

°°°

"Hey, Cas," Kevin said before I reached Mrs. Singer's class.

"Hi," I mumbled absently.

"Is everything alright?"

"Uh... Just a lot on my mind.

"Can I ask what?" He looked really concerned. "Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about it."

Mrs. Singer walked in and I nodded. "I'll tell you later. Charlie invited me to dinner, so I'll explain everything then."

Mrs. Singer cleared her throat. "If I could have everyone's attention. I know this is early in the year, but we're going to be working on research projects for the next few days. Once you get these packets, you may begin. Jo, will you pass these out for me?"

The small blonde sitting across the classroom stood up and sighed. "Yes, mother," she said, which earned a glare from Mrs. Singer.

I wouldn't ever understand the kids at this school, but the material I got. Finally, I was back in familiar territory.

●Dean●

The moment we hit the fresh air, Benny got on my case. "Now, I don't think that was the best way to go about winning this kid over."

"Don't start."

"I don't think I've ever watched you fail quite so spectacularly since I've known you." He laughed. "At least you didn't catch anything on fire that time. The chances of you falling for another _paratas_ who can control water are pretty small. But by the looks of that lightning yesterday and that little scene a minute ago, I'd say that he'd be more likely to electrocute you than put out any fire that you caused. Of all the people, you choose the feisty one."

"I don't want to hear it, Benny." I opened the door to the main building. "You're not one to talk."

"What do you mean?"

"Talor Benson." At her name, Benny didn't say another word. Of course, the moment we got to Balthazar's class, he began talking to Meg.

I zoned out until our teacher came in. "Alright, class," he greeted us, which received a muttering in response. "We're going to start today with reviewing what you all should have covered last year. We're going to go over the creation of the dimension that we call home all over the world, and that will lead to our first chapter about what _debilis_ call witch trials. Let's turn to page thirty-seven."

○Cas○

I ducked into class just minutes after the bells signaled the end of our lunch period. There was no way I was losing my seat and facing the chance I could be next to Dean. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand his calm, collected demeanor. I couldn't listen to him try to win me over with that rough voice that he'd perfected to make everyone melt. I couldn't watch the way he smiled at everything and laughed at that guy he was always around. I couldn't be near him because he reminded me so much of Levi.

Over a year after everything, and it still hurt. God, everything hurt.

_Pull yourself together! You left California to get away from him. You left your family to get the chance to move on since being in Claydon wasn't letting you heal. You need to let this go; you need to let him go._

Bouncing my leg under my desk, I tried to still my beating heart. It seemed like my pulse was thumping so hard in my throat that I was going to choke. My hands twitched, threatening to spark to life. I folded them in my lap and stared at the whiteboard until Mr. Potter walked in.

 _Finally_.

"Hello, class. At the end of the block, I'd like to tell you about our first project of the year that we'll be starting next week, but first, we'll need to cover more background information. Yesterday, we discussed how some chromosomes can be doubled when cells divide, and that leads to genetic disorders that have forty-seven chromosomes. Today, we'll be talking about how _paratas_ have forty-eight chromosomes and how the placement of the extra two determine your powers."

A girl near the door raised her hand. "How can we have forty-eight chromosomes?"

Mr. Potter smiled, like he was waiting for this question. " _Debilis_ have their trisomy disorders where one chromosome will be doubled in either the sperm or the egg; we talked about this yesterday. Well, when both have a chromosome that is doubled, the genetic information is read a bit differently in our bodies. At first, this was extremely rare, but once _paratas_ began living in our separate dimension, double trisomy became more common until it was almost guaranteed in families with powers." He paused. "Any questions?" When no one responded, he said, "Good. Let's continue."

°°°

We were nearing the end of class, so I lifted my hand.

"Yes, Castiel?"

"You said which chromosomes are doubled determined our powers." He nodded. "How?"

"Each chromosome codes for certain things in our bodies. The genetic information is there in everyone for every power _paratas_ can possess, though they are only activated when there are three chromosomes present. For example, you all know that I can manipulate objects. This means that I have trisomy in my second chromosome pair. Actually, since I only have one power, there are four chromosomes for that pair. Each pair has it own function for _debilis_ and _paratas_ alike."

Mr. Potter motioned for someone to start talking behind me, and I heard Dean's voice a moment later. "I'm guessing that you can only have two powers. Right?"

"Yes, each extra chromosome provides one power."

"So, how can I have strength and control over more than one element?" He stopped, like he was thinking something over. "Shouldn't that be four powers?"

"Actually, no. All the information for elemental control is in the seventeenth pair, and there are different variants of the power within that gene. You simply have extra coding that's 'switched on', if you will." Mr. Potter smiled, so I thought Dean was nodding or something. Though I highly doubted that he understood.

"Okay, let's talk about the project. Recently, a new drug was finished that temporarily mimics certain powers. To take part in this, you have to have a guardian's permission, so I'm going to send home papers to sign that you need to bring back Tuesday. Once I have the forms, you are going to be placed in pairs and you'll basically be switching powers. But more on that next week. Have a nice three day weekend."

 _Perfect timing_. At the end of his lecture, class ended, and we all took a permission slip as we left for our last class.

●Dean●

Anatomy passed without anything interesting happening, and we didn't even start into our actually lessons yet. Mr. Johnson let us talk for most of the block. I spent the whole time alternating between texting Benny, Adam, and Jo and talking to the girl who sat beside me. She was a junior named Jordyn who played piccolo with me, which meant we spent a good bit of time together. She was one of the few people who didn't hate me or try to endlessly flirt with me. Honestly, it seemed like those were my only options at this school. It was nice to talk to someone other than my two friends or my family, even though Jordyn kept snorting randomly throughout the conversation at whatever she was hearing in my subconscious. Unlike most mind readers, she didn't even try to hide that she was listening. At least she couldn't hear what I was actually thinking about; otherwise, she would've heard a lot about the boy with the messy black hair who was sitting across the room from us.

Eventually, class ended, and I walked back to my dorm to meet Benny and Adam. Benny wanted to come over to practice for auditions that were the next day. Adam just didn't want to be alone in his dorm while his roommate was gone. Apparently, the kid texted him to tell him that he was going to dinner with some friends.

Once I got settled in, I texted them and said to come over. Benny was at the door a second later like usual, but Adam showed up soon after.

I threw my stuff down on my desk before sitting on my bed. They followed my lead: Benny laying down on the blankets, and Adam leaning against the wall my bed was pressed against. Since I lived alone, I got rid of all of the extra furniture and replaced the twin beds with a queen sized one that was perfect for these idiots to lounge around on.

"You got here pretty quickly. How close are you?" I asked Adam. Last year, he was upstairs a few doors down from Benny, but his roommate graduated and he had to move into a new room.

"I thought I told you; I'm right next door."

I blinked a few times. "Wait. Right next door? As in room 112?"

"Yeah."

"But I thought- Who are you with?" What were the chances of one of my only friends sharing a room with the cute new guy who I was falling for?

"That new kid in first block, Castiel Novak."

_Novak. So, that's what his last name is._

Benny practically rolled out of my bed when he said that. "You live next door to him? Dean, that's great!"

Adam was obviously very confused, though, not for long. "Why is that great?" Benny only gave me suggestive looks, but Adam immediately knew what that meant. "No way, Dean. If it helps, I'm pretty sure he's into guys. I'm not sure if the Levi person he keeps thinking about is his boyfriend or not, though. I'm trying not to listen."

"I wish you were in the locker room earlier when this idiot made a fool of himself."

I cut him off. "Alright, Benny. That's enough about Cas." They both gave me strange looks when I called him _Cas_ rather than _Castiel_. The second I said it, I immediately scolded myself. Calling him Cas sounded like we were close or getting to know each other. If he wanted me gone, we were going to he strangers; that started with me referring to him only by his given name. As awkward as it was. "If you don't get your drumsticks, I'm not helping you, and Zayn can be drumline captain."

"Whatever, I'm done. For now," he said with a wink.

I groaned while Adam laughed. I might have avoided the topic of Castiel for the moment, but I wouldn't be able to for long. Sooner or later, Adam and Benny would both know how I feel about him and how I couldn't try to be with him. Until then, I was going to attempt to forget about Castiel for a while. Maybe then I could get over how much his rejection stung.


	3. Backups & Backstories

○Cas○

Kevin and I walked together to the café Charlie was telling me about. It was a small building that was painted a nice tan color with white trimming around the doors and windows. _Kinesis Café_ , the sign read. Standing outside the building, I realized that I actually hadn't made my way into Glen Rock. My parents never took us outside our dimensions because with eight kids, well, no one listened. Ever. Maybe I could have Charlie and Kevin show me around sometime.

We went inside, and I looked around, noticing the robin's egg blue walls and tall tables and chairs dotted around the room. Charlie was already near the back at a table for three. She saw me at the same time I noticed her, and she waved me over. When we made it to her, Charlie jumped off her chair to give me a hug.

"Hey, Cas. What's up?" she asked, sitting back down.

I took a seat at the table as Kevin pulled out the remaining chair and shrugged. "I warned you that it was a long story."

Kevin leaned in. "If you want to tell us, we'll listen to the whole thing."

I nodded and thought of where to begin. _How do you explain this to someone?_

"So, I guess I have to start at middle school. I, uh..." I broke off as a waitress walked over and we ordered.

Charlie got a milkshake; Kevin, a sweet tea; and they got a basket of fries to share.

My eyes scanned the list again. "Uh, I'll take a BLT and a water. Thanks."

She walked away, and I sighed. "Alright, middle school."

●Dean●

"Benny, you've missed the same eighth note three times," I told him. "Write in your music or something. You're just as bad as the freshmen."

"Oh, that's a new low, Winchester. I see how it is." When I didn't respond, he grabbed a pencil. He started mouthing words that I couldn't hear but made Adam laugh.

"What is he thinking?"

"I'm not saying _any_ of that aloud." Adam rolled onto his back beside me where I was laying on my stomach. He looked at the ceiling before groaning. "This is so boring. Dean, what do you have in the minifridge?"

"A few Cokes, a bottle of opened Gatorade... I don't know. Get your lazy ass up and look. If you don't see anything you want, I'll have someone at the house send something over."

He got up and went to the minifridge that was sitting where my roommate's desk should have been. It was pressed against the extra closet I had that I used for the various instruments I'd learned to play over the years and the random things I couldn't fit anywhere else.

"How did you get so lucky to have a permanent portal in your minifridge that connects to the kitchen at your house?"

I sighed, not taking my eyes off the sweeps Benny was doing on his quad pads. I readjusted the pillow I had under my head before talking. "I've told you this: the guy who takes care of all the portals for Glen Rock, Rufus, he owed Dad a few favors. The only way my mom was going to let me out of her house was if she could feed me twenty-four/ seven."

"You've got it so good there. Why would you ever want to leave?" I glared at Adam, causing him to instantly shut up.

Neither of my friends knew the real reason I lived in the dorms. They didn't know that my father was unstable; they had their speculations, but they didn't know for sure. They didn't know that every day since I learned the truth, I was terrified that I could cause my family the same pain my father caused his. They didn't know that I stole one of the power-blocking bracelets from the general admission building on campus and wore it every time I slept for years because I was afraid of setting my home or the dorms on fire. They didn't know how much I hated my powers at first because the only things I could do reminded me of the father who ruined my family and the fire that killed my mother.

They didn't know any of it, and they wouldn't ever find out.

○Cas○

"Alright, middle school. Back in Illinois, I went to the _paratas_ school in Kingswood, and I had a few friends, maybe four or five. One of my friends had this party for his birthday at his house; afterwards, a few of us were in his basement doing... something. I honestly don't even remember what we were doing."

I laughed a little, though there was nothing funny about that story.

"Funny how I can't remember how my life started falling apart. Well, this was after I realized that I was gay, like the first half of seventh grade."

I didn't look up; I didn't want to see their expressions. Logically, I shouldn't have worried about them: Charlie herself had a girlfriend, and Kevin didn't seem to mind. Despite this, there was a part or me that was worried that they were going to turn on me like my _friends_ in Illinois did.

"Everyone decided to go upstairs to get food, I think to order a pizza. Everyone but me and another boy, that is. After a few minutes, he was trying to kiss me and was pushing himself on me in more ways than one. He tried to use what we called his siren song against me; thank God he was really, really bad at it back then. He was going way too far, so I tried to get away from him. I shoved him off of me and he..."

I paused, remembering what my so called friend did next. "He told my friends that I came onto him. He told them that I tried to kiss him, along with all these other horrible things that I didn't do. And I told them that. I told them that he was lying, but they always liked me the least out of everyone, so they didn't believe me. Or they chose not to believe me. Either way, I learned that night that my friends were extremely homophobic. And that's when my life became a living hell."

Tapping my fingers on the table, I tried to find a way to say all of this. I knew I was going to leave how much those kids physically hurt me behind. None of that was important now.

"For a year and a half, I put up with the torture. It was bad enough that the entire school knew that I was gay and hated me for it, but all my friends did as well. In that year and a half, I went through some horrible stuff, but I didn't say a word." I wanted to show them some of what happened, things that I didn't show many people. I started undoing the top few buttons on my shirt. "Could you imagine having a school full of _paratas_ who hate you? Luckily, we were still in middle school and puberty was still affecting powers. I don't know what would have happened to me if _everything_ they tried worked." I finally pulled the fabric of my sweater and button up down. Their eyes widened; I had a fairly large burn on the top of my collarbone where a kid had lit his hand on fire as he pinned me against a wall.

I soundlessly buttoned my shirt and bit my lip. Throughout eighth grade, I spent a lot of time fearing what those kids could do to me. There was so much hatred in that school that was pointed to me because I was an easy target. While it still stung a bit to think back on, I'd come to peace with everything that happened in Illinois.

I took a drink of my water when our waitress set our drinks down. Kevin and Charlie weren't paying attention to her, only me.

I resumed my story. "When my dad's work moved us all across the country, I was determined to make sure that it didn't happen again. The only way that I could think of preventing that was to isolate myself from everyone. So, that's what I did. People pretty much left me alone; almost all of them ignored me. I say _almost_ everyone. See, there was this one guy who always tried to talk to me and get my attention. His name was Levi, and he had control over magnetic fields."

I gave them a bitter smile. I'm sure they knew where this was going.

"At first, I just considered it his charity service of the week, but then he kept coming back. I didn't open up to him, though; I still had the previous years replaying in my head. He was persistent: he would walk with me and try to talk to me everyday and even asked me out a few times. One day, Levi decided that he was going to ask me out on a date, and he leaned against my locker and refused to let me get my things until I said yes. I didn't really have a choice: I'd miss my bus if he took too long, so I accepted. We went on that date, and one thing led to another.... Levi and I were dating before second semester. And so, we were together for almost two years."

That wistful expression returned. "I loved him so much. I figured that we would be together for... the rest of our lives. That was before I learned that he'd been cheating on me the entire time. He cheated on me with my closest friend, two different boys, and a girl. The entire time. So, I broke up with him the summer before junior year, and, once again, my life spiraled into that horrible place I was in before. The only person who could stand me was the friend who told me about him cheating. He didn't associate with me, though: I was the lone person who knew that he told me, and he couldn't let anyone else find out. If that happened, his social life was over. Our other friends blamed me for his cheating, like it was my fault. I loved him, and he didn't even care about me enough for him to be with only me. It seemed like everything was worse this time because the school in California was twice as big as the high school in Illinois and about four times the size of the middle school. So now, there were more people to hate me. This time, they didn't hate me because of who I was; they hated me because I broke up with the most popular boy in the school. But once again, no one knew the whole story."

●Dean●

Benny threw his drumsticks across the room and walked his quad pads to my desk. "Alright, I need a break. What's Mom sending over?" Benny had called Ellen _Mom_ since he first met her in seventh grade. The two of us became friends immediately, and my family loved him. They still did. They made me bring Benny over for dinner one day and Mom jokingly told him to have another slice of cake because he was too skinny. This was always something she told her three kids, especially Sam, but I never imagined she would say it to one of my friends. He just laughed and told her that she sounded like his mom.

_"Well," she said with a smile, "as long as you and my son are friends, you can consider me that, if you like."_

From that day on, Benny always called her Mom. He even got in trouble a few times when teachers overheard him saying it and thought he was making fun of "Mrs. Singer".

"I'm not sure, but she knows you two are over, so it'll probably be Mountain Dew, sweet tea, and that weird flavored water Adam drinks."

"It's not weird! Sorry I'm not addicted to sugar and caffeine like you two."

I rolled my eyes. A few more salads and he'd be just like Sam. No wonder the two of them got along so well.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, my mom sent over those exact drinks. I handed Adam and Benny theirs and popped the tab of my soda.

"So," Adam asked, "what's going on with you and my roommate?"

I nearly choked on my drink. "What? Nothing." He gave me a look that wasn't at all guilty that he was reading my thoughts. "Why even ask if you're just going to listen to what I'm thinking?"

"You weren't thinking about it, so I had to bring it up," he said with a shrug. "I wouldn't have to do it if you'd just tell us the truth."

"He's hot. There's nothing else to it."

My friends shared a look. _Well, that's just great._ I was thankful for my full hour of peace from this sensitive subject.

Benny scoffed, throwing himself on my bed. "Like there was nothing to Blake? Dean, you're a horrible liar." I hated how well he could see through me. And even if he somehow didn't catch me in a lie, Adam would call me out on it. I just wanted to keep a little bit of my personal life to myself; I was surprised they didn't already know everything about my past.

Adam raised an eyebrow, but didn't say a word. I was glad that, for once, he respected my privacy. _I should really make him wear that power-blocking bracelet if I can find it._ At that thought, Adam snorted out a laugh. Benny just ignored us since this happened a lot. One of us would be lost in our thoughts while Adam responded to whatever was going on in our heads. Adam tried his best to ignore everyone else's meditations, but since the three if us were so close, he let himself listen to everything that crossed our minds. It was annoying.

"Could you stop bringing him up? I don't want to think about him."

"I thought everything was fine between you two," Adam said. "Wasn't the breakup mutual?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want him in every conversation we have."

"That doesn't mean we can't talk about Castiel, though." I was going to get Benny back for every part if this conversation. I had a few interesting facts about him that I was sure Meg would love to hear. "Besides, I want to hear from you what happened in gym today. It looked like that kid did a lot of yelling at you."

"That's basically what happened," I muttered under my breath. "Fine. I'll tell you guys what happened." _God, when did we become teenage girls?_

○Cas○

The waitress came and gave us our food. I gladly accepted it, taking another long drink of my water. Charlie and Kevin were quiet, and I kept my eyes glued to the sandwich in front of me.

"Junior year was the worst," I said softly. "Everything I loved was tainted by the boy I thought loved me. We had the same classes, band was ruined, every moment I cherished became one I never wanted to think about again. And he was a constant reminder of what I lost. Second semester, I changed all of my classes, I quit band, and I stopped doing everything that I did before. I was a social recluse again. For an entire semester, I was back to being that miserable middle schooler. For the second time in my life, I hated living. But the horrible thing was that I knew what it was like to be truly happy, and it was taken from me."

"Then, I got my acceptance letter here; I had another chance to start over," I muttered with a shrug. "So, I told myself that I would bury my past and forget everything that happened before. Levi is in my past. I wanted a fresh start." I picked up a French fry and took a bite, finally looking at them. Charlie looked sad, and I wondered what was going on in her head. Kevin seemed to be thinking. What about, I wasn't sure.

"I'm so sorry, Cas," Charlie said. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that."

"We're not going anywhere," Kevin offered with a smile.

I started eating my sandwich. "You're not what I'm worried about."

Charlie acted like she was about to start killing people. "It's Dean, isn't it?"

"Dean?" Kevin frowned, taking a fry from his and Charlie's basket. I continued to eat my BLT, trying to seem fine with the mention of the boy I couldn't look at without seeing my ex-boyfriend. "Dean Winchester?"

I nodded. All hopes of getting out of this conversation were crushed. "Uh, yeah. Dean Winchester. I've run into him a few times and the interactions have been a little strange."

Charlie pursed her lips. "Strange how?"

"Well, it started with him hitting me with a dodgeball. Then, he held my keys hostage so he could ask if I was okay for the second time. Um... He stopped me at the coffee shop to ask if I was alright again and to tell me that I looked nice in my sweatpants and glasses. Oh, and then he was watching me while I changed in gym."

They were both shocked by everything. "I don't know what to make of this," I told them.

Charlie couldn't form words while Kevin shook his head. I knew there was more than they were leading on. "Kevin?"

"It's just..." He looked at Charlie and she sighed.

"Dean doesn't have the best reputation."

●Dean●

For once, Benny didn't immediately start making fun of me. "He just told you to leave him alone? Damn, Dean. What did you tell him?"

"I said okay. What was I supposed to do? If I pushed him, he wouldn't ever speak to me again. This is why I didn't want to talk about him. I think I might have ruined my chances with Castiel." I sighed loudly, leaning against the headboard of my bed. "Did I do the right thing? What do you guys think I should do now?"

Adam smiled a little. "I think you should go after him. I think you _deserve_ to go after him."

"We're going to help you out, aren't we, Adam?"

"Wait, guys that's not what I-"

"Definitely."

They started talking about ways they could win him over for me, things I could talk to him about, and situations they could interfere in. "Guys," I said over them. "Guys!" They turned to me like they forgot I was there. "Did you not hear what I just said? He doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't go talk to him now. Seriously, Adam, what made you think that was a good idea?"

"Well, doing nothing isn't going to get you anywhere."

"I don't know," Benny interrupted, hitting his shoulder. "Maybe Dean's right. If this kid already hates him, he should probably give him some space."

"Thank you."

"We're not dropping this, though." I rolled my eyes. _Of course not_. "We're going to help you win Castiel over."

"I don't need help," I groaned. _Why won't these two just let me handle this? I regret asking their opinion in the first place._

"From what I heard, I think you could use all the help you can get."

I threw my pillow at Adam, probably a little too hard based on the sound it made as it hit his chest. "Neither of you even answered me. I wanted to know if I did the right thing, not hear an entire plan to get me a boyfriend."

"You did the right thing," Adam told me. "From what I've heard, he's... complicated. I think Castiel is just having a rough time, and whoever that Levi guy is, he has something to do with it all. I think if you give him space, he'll come around. Everything will work out."

I nodded, letting my mind wander as they gave me advice and encouragement. _If Castiel is having a tough time with this Levi, I want to help, yet I know I can't. I don't know who he is or what happened with them, and asking Castiel is out of the question. I don't want to ruin what little chance I have with him. I can't have Adam listen to what he was thinking: Castiel deserves his privacy, and that would just be strange if I knew. Hey, I know you've never talked to me without yelling at my stupidity, but don't worry about Levi. That's just creepy. I don't want to sit here and do nothing either. Ugh! Why is everything so complicated?_

○Cas○

That made me listen. "Reputation?"

Kevin nodded. "His parents cut contact with everyone shortly after their marriage just after graduation. Eight years later, Mary Winchester was found dead in a burning building, and John Winchester took off with four-year-old Dean and Sam who was just a few months old. No one really knows what happened in those years that John and Mary disappeared, though... people suspect it wasn't good."

Kevin dropped his voice to a whisper and leaned towards me. "John and Mary had a friend here. His name was Azazel, and he was a horrible person who ended up becoming unstable. After graduating, he went on a crime spree in both the _paratas_ and _debilis_ worlds. And what's interesting... his power was control over fire. When John ran away, he went mad with grief- or maybe it was guilt- and he became unstable as well. He spent years obsessively training his sons. He was alcoholic, crazy, and abusive. No one really knows what all John did to the two of them, but the rumors say that it was to make them into a super weapon. He wanted to turn his sons into the most powerful unstable _paratas_ ever so that they would destroy everything good about our world. At least, that's what people say." He straightened his back, and his voice returned to normal volume. "When Dean was eight, John dropped him and Sam off at Coach Singer's house and never came back. He just left them with his older cousin and his wife and cut all contact with them. Some say that this was all a part of John's plan for his sons, but no one is sure, though."

I finished my sandwich, trying not to act too interested. "Really? Dean lives with Coach Singer?" They both nodded. "And he doesn't see his dad?"

Charlie shrugged. "According to the rumors. Dean doesn't really talk about it. The whole family has tried to keep those boys' pasts under wraps."

"Do- do you guys think that could be true? Do you think that Dean is a bad guy? Do you think he could turn unstable?" My head spun as memories overtake me: the dodgeball, Dean staring at me in the locker room, all of the pushing to talk to me, holding me hostage outside of my dorm. But that didn't mean that he was evil or unstable. He could be really bad at flirting, and that's all. Surely, he wasn't a super weapon intent on destroying everyone.

Right?

Charlie smiled. "I've known him since he moved here. Sure, Dean is a bit odd, but I wouldn't say he's a bad guy."

"Odd?"

"Well, his friends aren't the best people. They're not Azazel bad or close to unstable, but they can be trouble makers. And he doesn't talk to anyone outside of his brother and sister and that small group of friends. Everything about him is a mystery."

I thought about that for a moment. "Kevin?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. For the three years that I've been here, I haven't heard the best about him. Maybe it's just gossip, but it could be true. Honestly, Dean kind of scares me."

I finished off my fries as I thought about everything. I'd pushed Dean away the best I could, not because he seemed like a bad person, but because of Levi. Dean reminded me of the boy who I loved, which wasn't the boy who cheated on me. Dean reminded me of Levi's carefree attitude and interest in me for whatever reason. He made me think of every good memory I shared with my ex-boyfriend; the bad memories always came when I thought about him. Maybe I was just using Dean to shove my feelings on. Maybe I had him all wrong.

Or maybe I felt this way for a reason. Dean could be dangerous like everyone thinks. My gut could be right to want to steer clear of him.

"I think you need something to focus on that doesn't have to do with relationships," Charlie told me.

"Like what?"

She shrugged, dipping a fry into her milkshake. "Like band. You said you played for a few years; you could always join again."

Kevin grinned and joined in with Charlie. "Yeah, it's not too late. Auditions are actually tomorrow. What do you say?"

"I don't know, guys. It's been too long; I don't think I remember how to play. I don't even know where my alto is."

Kevin leaned back in his chair. "I'm sure you remember just fine, and if you need to borrow a saxophone, you can use one from the school. We always have spare instruments."

I sighed, but smiled. "Who do I have to talk to?"

Charlie grinned; she knew they won me over. "Either Mr. Harrison, the band teacher, or Jo Harvelle, this year's field commander. One of them is always down in the band room."

"Alright, what am I getting into? Tell me about band."

The first to speak was Kevin. "Well, for one, you'll be in my section. Say hello to the alto section leader." Charlie elbowed him. "And the trumpet section leader. God, Charlie, I was getting there."

I laughed at the two of them. I was really lucky to have these idiots as friends. "What else?" I asked with a smile.

°°°

"...so, don't listen to them if they tell you that," Charlie was saying. "It's not that bad, really-"

She was cut off when a brunette ran over to our table, simply shouting, "Charlie Bradbury."

●Dean●

"Alright, I think you're set for auditions." I gathered the copies of Benny's music and handed it back to him. "I don't even know why you've been so stressed; Mr. Harrison has pretty much already decided that you're drum captain."

"Yeah. Me or Zayn. He's deciding between the two of us tomorrow. Dean, I've worked my ass off for this."

"You're acting as if I have a part in choosing the leadership roles. You know I'm just there to help with giving out solos and for a third opinion." He looked like I crushed his last bit of hope. "Just play like you were a few minutes ago, and Zayn won't have a chance. Even Jo will have to admit that you deserve captain over her boyfriend."

Adam threw something at me, hitting me in the shoulder. "Why don't we hear you play? Or do you not have to try out since you're our star piccolo player?"

"Shut up, Milligan. I've got to audition too." I found what hit me, the eraser Adam was doing his calculus homework with, and threw it back at him. It bounced off his chest and landed back on his notebook. "I'm not worried, so I'm not bothering to go through everything."

Benny made a disappointed _tsk_ ing noise. "I don't know, Dean. I heard there was a pretty awesome pic coming up this year. She's going to give you a run for your money."

Watching his path around my room, he was still worried about tomorrow. It was funny because he was the best musician on the drumline, yet he still thought he wasn't good enough. He'd always pushed himself to be better; that was one of the main reasons he was put on quads our freshman year. He was the best tenor player our school had ever had. He just didn't know it. I, on the other hand, knew that I was good. That's why auditions never bothered me. Maybe I was a little arrogant and cocky, but I knew it was true. _Just like you knew that you could win over the new kid_ , a part of me said. I figured at some point or another my attitude would come back to haunt me, but I never guessed that it would be in the form of a hot blue-eyed boy.

Trying to pull my train of thought back to our conversation, I ignored the thoughts of Castiel that always seemed to be close to mind. "Well, a freshman can't be section leader, no matter how good they are. And I don't have any seniors to compete against besides Mackenzie who doesn't want the role, so I think I'm good."

"We still want to hear you play," Adam persisted.

Upon looking to Benny who was still pacing around aimlessly, he nodded. I sighed in defeat and went to get my piccolo. Zoning out, I pieced together the instrument and began warming up as my two friends watched me intently.

Once I finished, I started the pieces I memorized for the next day. I closed my eyes as I let my body take over, my mind drifting to the path I traveled down to find myself where I was.

For years, I tried different things to hold my interest- soccer, art, hockey, theater- but nothing ever stuck. Sure, I had football, but that only lasted through fall. Eventually, I discovered wrestling, and I joined the baseball team in middle school. Between the three of those, I had something to focus on for a while. But it wasn't until eighth grade that I felt like I belonged somewhere: band. I loved the feeling of being a unit that works, breaths, and exists together. I loved not being _Dean Winchester_ but _Flute 4_ throughout that year. Then, I was _Piccolo 17_ freshman year on the field. I was just a normal teenager there with those people, not a potential unstable _paratas_. I'd never forget how I started playing piccolo....

When Sam and I moved in with the Singers, Jo was horrible. She still was, but that's beside the point. She told me one day that I was too stupid to learn to play the gorgeous piano that our mom used occasionally. _Naturally_ , I started learning, just to prove Jo wrong. By the end of the month, I'd become fairly good at it too. Jo was impressed, and we actually started to get along after that. The story of deciding on the flute was laughably similar. I wanted to play either trumpet or drums, but Jo started teasing me about it. She said that I was taking the easy way out by not doing flute. And _naturally_ , I changed my mind. When we made it to high school, Mr. Harrison moved me and my sister to piccolo, and I loved everything about it.

Without realizing, I had finished the last song, the final note suspended in the air. I opened my eyes to find Adam and Benny watching me with smiles on their faces.

After a moment, Benny spoke up and simply said, "Damn."

○Cas○

Charlie threw a fry in her mouth, smiling wide at the other girl. "Dorothy, what are you doing here?"

The brunette, Dorothy, bounced over to Charlie and kissed her on the cheek. "What? Can I not surprise my girlfriend?"

Girlfriend? This was Charlie's girlfriend?

"Of course," my redhead friend was saying, "I just thought that the portals from Kansas weren't connecting. I figured you wouldn't be here until tomorrow."

Dorothy shrugged and pulled a chair between me and Charlie. "They got it all situated. Jeff has been trying to teach his new apprentice everything about working the portals, but... well, he's not that great at it. I spent three hours at the station wishing the new guy would've been born with any other power than portal creation. If I didn't have so much stuff to bring, I would've just teleported here. But no, Dad said I can just bring everything at once on the first day of school."

"Well, I'm glad you're finally here."

Dorothy laid her head on Charlie's shoulder. "Me too."

As they spoke, I tilted my head and looked at the girl. She was wearing a gingham shirt and distressed jeans with a leather jacket and combat boots. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, the ends curled. She had one of those smiles where you could tell the person was up to no good.

She looked exactly like a girl Charlie would be with. After a few minutes of talking, I could tell that they were perfect for each other.

We all talked and ate until around six when Dorothy claimed that if she didn't go to bed immediately, she was going to pass out on the table. She and Charlie left, and Kevin and I followed shortly after.

On the way back to the dorms, we fell into easy conversation about what we like to do, our favorite books, band, and anything else that came up. Kevin's eyes almost bulged out of his head when he learned about my family.

"Wait, _how many people_?"

I laughed. "There are ten of us. I'm the fourth of eight kids."

"Oh my gosh. It's just me and my parents back in Michigan. Your house must be so crowded."

"You have no idea."

By that time, we were outside the dorms. "Well, I'm heading this way," he told me, pointing to the entrance of the building. "If you ever need me, I'm room 227. Upstairs."

"112."

We both waved and I continued walking to the band room. Hopefully, Kevin and Charlie were right when they said someone was always in there. While we were on the topic, they gave me directions to the band room, and, luckily, the campus wasn't too difficult to navigate. I followed the sidewalk to the left branch of the school that was reserved for fine arts. When I got to the fork in my path, I turned right to the building that held all the theater, dance, and instrumental classes; going left would have taken me to the art classrooms. I walked to the back of the building, past the orchestra hall, jazz band room, choir classroom, and theater. Music was coming from the dance room across the hall, but other than that, it seemed like I was the only one there.

I pushed open the door that was labeled **Band Room** and walked inside. The lights were out, but it looked like someone was in the connected office.

"Hello?" I asked warily. The idea of the abandoned classroom after hours and the small strip of light that escaped from under the door weren't settling well with me. If worst comes to worst, I didn't think daisies or static electricity was going to ward off any intruders. I had a feeling the dancer across the hall wouldn't be much help either. "Mr. Harrison?"

The office door opened slowly, and a small, pretty blonde peeked out of the room. _Oh, thank God. It's just that girl from Mrs. Singer's class._

"Hi, can I help you?" She stood and walked out to greet me, running her hand over the light switch on the way.

"Uh... I'm new to Glen Rock, and I was told to come here to talk about joining marching band."

Her face lit up. "Oh, yeah? I'm Jo Harvelle," she held out her hand, which I shook. "You're Castiel, right? We have MA together." Jo sat down in the chair that was seated in front of the semicircle of seats and stands. "I play piccolo. Er, I _used_ to play piccolo. I'm field commander this year." She paused like she was trying to piece something together in her head. "It's Novak, isn't it?" I nodded. "Castiel Novak," she mumbled under her breath. "Nevermind. I thought I heard that name somewhere else. So, you want to join band?"

"Yeah. Am I going to have to change my schedule?"

"No. Jazz band and spring orchestra are classes, but marching band is extracurricular. We practice on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays most weeks. Sometimes more, sometimes less." She rummaged through a stack of papers on the stand in front of her before pulling out a fairly large packet and writing on the last page. "You know auditions are tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but I don't think I'm going to be able to get my instrument until next week."

Jo shrugged like that wasn't a problem. Like, _no, you don't need to have an instrument for auditions._ "We've got plenty of spares. What do you play?"

"Alto."

"I've got you covered." She walked to what seemed like a storage room and came back with a black case with **GRA BAND** written across the side. "Here you go. And all you'll need for auditions are a few scales and a song if you want. We can judge you better if you have a prepared piece, though it's not necessary. But as someone who's done this a few times, if you want first alto, I'd have one ready. We'll also have you sight read something from the field show, but it won't be hard. I wouldn't worry."

"Thank you."

"Auditions start at noon, but you're almost the last on the list." _Almost?_ "We usually estimate that each person takes about five minutes; they can always take more or less time, though. And because you're so far down, we might have to stop and eat. So... I'd say come around five thirty."

I nodded and expected that to be the end, but Jo kept looking at me like she was trying to figure me out. "Where did you go to school before Glen Rock?"

I shifted a little. Why was she asking that? "Claydon. In California."

"Oh my God, that's where I know your face! I thought you looked familiar yesterday. Sophomore year, we played against Claydon during tournaments. You guys handed us our asses. But you were that kid the one guy was singing Hey Baby to while the tubas were playing."

"Yeah, I was," I told her simply. The entire band was so excited that day; we could almost taste our win from the moment the Glen Rock football team stepped through our portals. Levi was especially thrilled, and he decided to stand on the railing in front of the bleachers and serenade me while our tubas played Hey Baby. It was mortifying to say the least.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Castiel."

"You too." I grabbed the alto case and went towards the door, but I stopped. "Jo, you can call me Cas."

"Alright, Cas." I stepped out the door, but before it closed, I heard Jo mumble to herself, "Cas? Wait... Cas! That's where I heard that name."

I wanted to go back in and ask what she meant by that, yet I didn't. I had a long day; I just wanted to go home.

It didn't take long to get back to the dorms. I set the alto by my desk before sitting on my bed to take off my shoes. Like yesterday when I returned, it was eerily quiet. I hoped my roommate would be around more often because I didn't think I could handle things being this silent all the time. Though, after I got out of the shower in our adjoining bathroom, the room was full of sound.

"Castiel, listen. I've _got_ to talk to you."


	4. Auditions & Awkwardness

●Dean●

"Dean, I'm heading out."

"Don't keep Tyler up all night practicing. You're going to do great." My encouraging words were followed by a grunt and a slamming door. After a few more minutes of meaningless conversation with Adam, he decided to leave as well.

"I think I might try to figure this guy out, Dean. I'll put in a good word for you." Adam tried to open my door, but I was right behind him and kept it shut.

" _Don't you dare_. If you start messing with things, he won't _ever_ talk to me. Not only that, but he'll not trust you either." I couldn't have Adam ruining the very small chance I had with Cas. Sure, I wouldn't mind if he did a little snooping into his thoughts to find out if Cas was single or to see how he felt about me, but I wasn't going to tell Adam that. He had to treat Cas like any other person, not someone I possibly was falling for. _Possibly? Who was I kidding?_ Somehow, I'd let this boy steal my heart in less than two days. And I had a feeling that I wouldn't be getting it back any time soon. "Please, Adam, just don't say anything about me to him."

"Fine," he sighed. "See you later."

"Later."

I couldn't be sure if Adam was going to follow though with his half promise, but I hoped he did. Giving Cas plenty of space seemed like the best idea for now. Who knew how he would react when he learned that one of my best friends was his roommate? I couldn't have him despising Adam too, only on the basis that he was my friend.

_Please don't say anything to him. Please._

If only I knew what Adam was thinking right now.

○Cas○

"Castiel, listen. I've _got_ to talk to you."

I almost jumped at the sound of my roommate's voice. It was much different when he wasn't yelling at me early in the morning.

"Oh, Adam. Hi." I suddenly got nervous. Adam and I hadn't talked much since we moved in. What could possibly be so important?

"I heard what happened in gym." That one sentence stopped me in my tracks and made my lungs quit functioning.

"You- You heard?" I sputtered.

"Yeah, I didn't see it because I came in late, but Benny was telling me about it. Dean was mortified. What happened?"

What did he mean? If he heard about it, why was he asking me? What did he mean about Dean? Was he really mortified? That might have been a little dramatic.

"Uh... Nothing much." Adam didn't look convinced at all. "Well, what did you hear?"

Adam finally sat on his bed, rather than hovering by the door. "That you snapped at Dean when he tried to talk to you. That you really didn't have a reason."

I crossed my arms over chest and frowned. "Oh, really? Who told you that? _Benny?_ " Ugh! I didn't even know who Benny was. "Did he also tell you that Dean was staring at me while I was changing? Or that he hadn't left me alone since school started?"

He sighed, a mixture of emotions playing on his face. "He didn't mean anything bad by it, I swear. Dean just... he's not the most put together person."

"Huh? Do you know him?"

"Castiel, this school isn't that big; we all know everyone here. And besides, Dean is one of my best friends."

_Are. You. Serious?_

_Of all the boys in this school, Dean's best friend is my roommate. Now, I'm going to have to watch what I say to Adam, or he might just relay everything to Dean._

"Do you mind if I ask what he said to you?"

I decided to choose my words very carefully. "Not much. He said he wanted to talk, so I told him to leave me alone."

Adam frowned like he was trying to put together an especially difficult puzzle. He titled his head a few times before he spoke up again. "Okay, Dean didn't say anything about what happened; I got everything from Benny. So, I get that Dean was being super weird, but is there a specific reason why you didn't want to talk to him? What, do you have a girlfriend who doesn't like you talking to people? My last girlfriend was like that."

He began to absentmindedly talk about his ex, though I wasn't listening. Did I have a girlfriend? No. Sure, my last boyfriend was pretty overprotective, but that wasn't the problem. I just wanted these next couple months to go smoothly. Dean seemed like he wasn't going to fit into my idea for senior year.

°°°

I was woken up by someone shaking my shoulder. "Castiel? Hey, Castiel. Wake up."

I pulled my thick blanket over my head. "What do you want Gabe? Let me sleep."

"Castiel, it's Adam." He moved my blanket from my face. "You need to wake up."

"Adam? ...oh. Why do I have to get up?"

I could practically hear him rolling his eyes. "Do it, then I'll tell you."

"Whatever." I unceremoniously rolled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom we shared with the room next door. Once I brushed my teeth and slipped my glasses onto my face, I went to talk to my roommate. "What is it? Why did I have to get up at...?" I checked my clock. " _Eight twenty-four!?!_ Why did you wake me up so early on a Saturday?"

Adam sat on his bed, sliding his fingers through his hair. "I just went for a run; when I came back, this was taped to the door." He handed me a piece of paper that had tape folded over the top.

"Uh, thanks. And sorry for being rude; I'm an ass when I'm tired."

He waved away my apology. "Don't worry about it." That's all he said before he went to the bathroom. From the running water following the door locking, I assumed he was taking a shower.

I didn't understand why he was being so kind to me, but I was going to accept all the forms of friendship that I could get. Especially from the person I had to live with all year. With a smile, I read the handwritten note.

_Charlie and I are getting lunch around 3:30 if you want to come too. We need to be at auditions around 5._   
_Kevin_

Under his messy signature was a phone number, presumably Kevin's. After a quick text, I confirmed my suspicion. I told him that I'd love to get lunch, to which he sent me the directions to a Chinese restaurant further into Glen Rock than the café was.

With plans made and nothing else to do, I pulled the school's alto from where I shoved it under my bed last night. Throwing a reed into my mouth, I started putting the instrument together.

°°°

"That sounds pretty good, Cas." My roommate's voice interrupted the song I found with a Google search. I remembered it from when I was at Claydon, and it had a difficult solo that I wanted for years. Actually, it would have been mine if I was still at Claydon. Or if I didn't quit band the year before.

I smiled weakly at Adam. "I don't know. It's been something like six months since I've played anything. My staccatos aren't clean, my intonation is horrible, my fingers aren't used to the notes, and I sound like a dying goose."

Adam laughed. "I don't know what any of that means. But you sound fine. Really, these auditions aren't that bad; no one takes them seriously unless they want a solo or a leadership role. A few of my friends are in band and they've told me this is the least formal audition you'll ever do." When I tried to ask who told him, he started talking, somehow answering the question I didn't voice. "Benny and Dean," Adam explained. Then, he stood up and nodded to me. "Come on, let's go do something."

"Like what?"

"Well, it's almost ten, and you haven't eaten yet. Let's go get some breakfast."

"Alright." I pulled off the neck strap and started putting the saxophone away. "What does the cafeteria have?"

"Oh, no. We're not going there; we're going to my mom's restaurant in town. So, get dressed and we'll eat."

I did as he practically demanded of me before following him out the door. We started walking near downtown, though I didn't know where we were going.

"How much of Glen Rock have you seen?"

"Hm? Oh, uh... not much. Taking all the Novak kids anywhere is a pretty bad idea, so my parents only brought my older brothers who made it into GRA when they had to bring them here. Honestly, the furthest I've been is the Kinesis Café."

"Well, there will be plenty of time to see it all; this place isn't that big." He paused before pointing to a building about a hundred feet away. "We're up here. I hope you're hungry."

●Dean●

When I woke up, I was immediately hit with the bright morning sunlight, just enough to be annoying. I picked up my phone to check the time but found a long list of text messages from Jo instead.

**From Jo:**   
**Are you awake?**

**From Jo:**   
**Dean can you text me when you get up?**

**From Jo:**   
**Auditions are in a few hours and I'm freaking out**

**From Jo:**   
**I really need help with everything**

**From Jo:**   
**I didn't realize being field commander was this stressful**

**From Jo:**   
**Are you up yet?**

**From Jo:**   
**Come on Dean answer me**

**From Jo:**   
**When you wake up come to the house**

**From Jo:**   
**If you don't come soon I'm coming to the dorms**

That was the last text I got from her, so I figured there would be a knock on my door soon. I wasn't quite right.

Just a few minutes later, my sister literally walked through my door. In my groggy, early morning state, I forgot that Jo could phase through objects. And that she had no respect for my privacy. Of course she wouldn't knock.

"Oh, you're up." She sounded a bit disappointed. A look of irritation passed over her face, and she crossed her arms. "Why didn't you answer me then?"

"I just got up." I stood and turned on the light behind where Jo was still waiting. "I figured you were on your way anyways."

"That's no excuse to ignore your sister." She sat on the edge of my bed, just making herself at home. "You were raised better than that."

I didn't comment on that. Like she was one to talk; she didn't even hesitate to come into my room without permission. Sorry I didn't respond to a few messages. "What did you need? Why did you send me so many texts?"

She laid back onto the messy blankets, letting out a long exhale of breath. "I'm stressing."

"Auditions?" I guessed, joining her on my bed. She nodded. By her expression, it wasn't just that. I brushed a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear, trying to sooth her in some small way. "It's not Zayn, is it?"

"No, it's just-" Jo closed her eyes and rubbed her hands over her face. "This is senior year, Dean. We're in charge now. I'm so terrified that I'm going to do something wrong that will make the whole band look bad. Like... What if I put the wrong kids on each part? What if I mess up teaching the freshmen how to march? What if I trip or falter during a performance?"

I didn't know that my little sister was so worried about everything. She kept all her emotions and fears bottled up so well, and I was always afraid that she was going to hurt herself by not letting anyone in. It was rare to see the unwavering Jo Harvelle so vulnerable. Like I would do when we were kids, I combed my fingers through her long hair. She immediately melted and seemed to calm a little.

"You are going to do spectacular, Jo. You're going to be the best field commander the Minotaurs have ever had. The freshmen are going to love you, Mr. Harrison is going to be so proud of you, the juniors are going to look up to you, and Zayn is going to fall in love with you all over again." I added that last part in to see the smile she only ever wore when her boyfriend was mentioned. At the beginning of their relationship in our first year of high school, I gave Jo a lot of trouble about Zayn. I didn't particularly like him and only put up with him because he made my sister happy. But my entire perspective changed when Jo's appendix ruptured that summer, and Zayn came from Maine to see her. He stayed with her in the hospital until she could leave and hasn't left her side since. Being the great big brother that I was, I tried to make up for all the months I disliked the boy simply because I didn't want anyone taking my place in Jo's heart. Zayn truly made her happy, so there was no one better for her in my eyes.

She seemed to be thinking something over with herself before she nodded and returned to her original position. "Alright, let's head home. Mom made waffles and bacon and sausage and hashbrowns. She's expecting you to come for breakfast since you didn't show up for dinner."

"Yeah, I know. Just let me get dressed first."

Without waiting for a response, I blindly chose an outfit for the day. Jo was only wearing jeans, a loose white shirt, and flats, so I wasn't too worried about dressing up. I walked into the bathroom that was connected to my room and changed into the jeans and AC-DC shirt I grabbed. Slipping on a pair of black Converse and getting my keys and piccolo off my desk, I followed Jo out into the hallway.

"So," I started, locking the door behind me, "what do you need my help with? Do you just need to do some last minute things for later?"

Jo shrugged a little, leading the way out of the dorms and into the heart of Glen Rock where our house was. "I'll need your help setting up in the band room, but right now, I need to finish up some paperwork. Mr. Harrison wanted sheets for everyone who signed up, in the order they're listed in. He also wanted a list of sections."

"Alright, that won't take us too long."

"Hopefully."

•••

"Dean!" Mom called when she heard us come through the door. I set my piccolo on the table in our hallway and followed the sound of her voice to the family room.

"Hey, Mom." I gave her a hug, but pulled away when she hit me in the side of the head. "Ow. What was that for?"

"You were supposed to come home for dinner last night."

I laughed a little. "Sorry. Adam and Benny wanted to come over. It slipped my mind. I'll be here tonight, I promise, and tomorrow night."

"You better." She gestured to the kitchen. "Go get some breakfast. Bobby had to meet Rufus today, so he and I ate earlier, but your brother just woke up."

"Thanks." I kissed her on the cheek. "I love you."

"Love you too, Dean."

Jo grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the next room where I was almost tackled by my little brother. Honestly, I had been gone for three days. My family was acting like they hadn't seen me in months. "Hey, Dean. Where were you last night?"

I sighed. "Busy. Senior year is kinda tough; you'll figure that out eventually, Sammy." I ruffled his hair.

He groaned and leaned away from me. "Stop it. I told you not to call me that anymore. And don't touch my hair." Sam started to attempt to fix his ruffled hair that was falling into his eyes.

"Whatever you say, Sammy." Jo handed me a plate full of food, and I took a seat beside my brother, Jo following and sitting to my right. "How's eighth grade? Is it still as horrible as I remember? Does Mr. Armstrong still hate children?" Mr. Armstrong was the English teacher every eighth grader had to take. He made my last semester of middle school miserable for me.

Jo rolled her eyes, chuckling. "I think he only hated you, Dean."

Sam pushed around his scrambled eggs with his fork. "He's not so bad, I guess. Middle school is pretty terrible, though. Everyone is stupid, and the classes are as boring as always."

"I wish I could say it gets better," Jo told him, "but it doesn't. Right, Dean?"

I shrugged. "The new history teacher is pretty cool. Mr. Potter isn't as bad as Blake made him out to be. Do you have him this year?"

"No. I don't have Mr. Roché either; I'm taking civics with Mrs. Mills this semester."

"As if you don't see Jody enough," Sam laughed.

"It's not as bad as having Mom as a teacher," Jo pointed out, which caused Sam to giggle again.

"Or Dad as a teacher and a coach," I countered.

The three of us sat at the table, eating our breakfast and laughing at the expense of our parents. It may have been a small moment in the grand scheme of things, but the peace that came along with it was indescribable. It was something I wouldn't trade for the world.

•••

"So, let's start with the comment sheets in the order of auditions." I grabbed the four page packet off Jo's nightstand. She was currently laying on the floor with her laptop as I sat in the revolving chair at her desk. "I'll read everything off for you as you type."

"Okay..." Jo said, distracted as she started laying out the sections of the pages on the screen for comments on the person's scales, sight reading, optional song, and any additional information. "I can only fit two people on each page, so Mom's printer is going to be out of ink by the time we're finished. Hopefully, we'll finish. What time is it?"

"Uh... almost nine thirty."

She sighed. "Okay, we need to be at the band room around eleven thirty, so we've got about two hours. Let's get this done."

"Number one... Cora Jones," I read, already regretting offering to help.

•••

"Last page, Jo. Just seventeen more to go. Wait-" I looked over the list again. "Seventeen? I thought you said there were seventy-six of us, not counting you."

"New kid," she mumbled, not taking her eyes off the computer screen.

"But Meg said she signed up the first day of school."

"Not Meg, Dean. Castiel Novak. He signed up last night before I came home."

"Castiel is joining band?"

"Mhm." Jo finally looked up at me. "This is the guy you were talking about yesterday during lunch, isn't it?" She paused. "And were texting me about in fourth block? The one you have a huge crush on?"

"Yeah, he- What? I don't have a crush on him. What am I? A teenage girl? Why do you think I like him?"

"It's obvious, Dean. You can't lie to me; you can barely lie at all. You're allowed to like him. So what? You hit him with a dodgeball. He'll come around eventually, and you'll have a chance with him. Ask him to spend the day with you on the next band trip."

I knew the expression on my face had to be bad. I was absolutely appalled by that idea. "Jo, spending the day alone with someone at the Autumn Festival pretty much means you're dating."

She rolled her eyes. "I know that. But he doesn't. That's kind of just a tradition at Glen Rock; California probably doesn't see the festival the same way."

"California?"

"Oh my God. Do you know nothing about this boy? He used to live in Claydon, California. Remember? Sophomore year? He was the boy that snare player was singing Hey Baby to as the tubas played."

My jaw dropped. "That was Castiel?"

Jo nodded. "Now, come on. Finish reading the list so we can start on the sections."

○Cas○

Adam and I sat at a booth, and a middle aged woman walked over to take our orders. She blew a strand of blonde hair that had fallen out of her ponytail out of her eyes and smiled at us. "Adam, who's this?"

"Hey, Mom. This is Castiel."

I looked up at Adam's mom. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Milligan."

"Oh, Castiel, call me Kate. Mrs. Milligan makes me feel old." She shifted her weight between her feet. "So, what do you boys want to eat? It's on the house, of course."

"I can pay for my food."

She waved me away. "No. I can't let a new friend of Adam's buy anything in my own restaurant." She glanced at her son before writing something down. "The usual?"

"Yep."

Adam gestured to me. "I'll have a tea, and... uh, whatever Adam is having." It came out more of a question, though.

Kate laughed. "Okay, I'll be back in just a few."

When she left, Adam turned to me. "I want to apologize for last night. I shouldn't have bothered you about everything. It's just... well, I care about Dean a lot: he's one of my best friends. We practically grew up with each other, so he's like a brother to me. He's just trying to make a good impression on you. Trust me, the poor boy is trying his best."

"He has an odd way of showing it," I mumbled. Kate came back with our drinks, a tea and a water, but disappeared to the kitchen immediately after.

"Listen, I know how Dean thinks. He wanted to show you that he wasn't a bad person before you heard a ton of horrible things about him. Really, he never meant for things to go the way they did."

I wanted to ask him something, but I wasn't sure if I should. I wasn't sure if it would be wrong to ask Dean's best friend about him. "You know him pretty well?" He nodded. "What about all of those rumors?"

Adam sighed. "So, you heard about everything."

"How much is true?"

"Not a lot. There isn't much gossip in this school that is. I think the only things that are true are the fact that Dean's bisexual, he and his brother live with Coach Singer, and that they don't have much contact with their father. Other than that... I mean, do you think Dean is a weapon intent on destroying all the good in this world?"

"You're right. That was so stupid to even ask."

"I don't blame you, though." He shook his head, obviously put off by whatever this school thought about his friend. "If I didn't know better, I would think the worst of Dean too. After everything I've heard about him, I get why people don't trust him. You've only been here for a few days; I guarantee that you haven't heard all the rumors yet."

"Why does everyone care so much about Dean?"

Adam sighed and leaned back into the booth. "I don't know exactly. I think-" He broke off when his mom came back with two plates of pancakes, bacon, and eggs.

"Here you go, boys. Do you need anything else?"

"I'm good. Castiel?"

"I'm fine. Thank you."

She gave us that warm smile she first greeted us with. "Alright, just call for me if you do." Kate turned to her son. "I get off at three today, so I'll see you at dinner. Okay?"

Adam nodded. "Okay, Mom."

I watched Kate walk away, another question forming in my mind. "Why do you live in the dorms if your mom lives in Glen Rock?"

He shrugged as if that wasn't something he ever thought about. "It gets quiet at home with my mom working odd hours. Sometimes she works all night and is only off when I'm at school. We didn't see much of each other, so I moved into the dorms freshman year. When she doesn't work in the evenings, I'll be home with her. Actually, there are a good bit of kids who live here but stay in the dorms."

"Really? I would think people would want to stay with their families; it's only been a few days, and I already miss mine."

"Well, sometimes kids stay in the dorms for the sole reason of getting away from their families."

Hm. I hadn't thought about that. The way he said that sounded like he personally knew what that was like. But he talked about his mom like he wanted more time with her. I wonder if it was a friend that he was talking about.

I decided to stay away from that topic, instead, going for a safer one. "So, do you have any siblings?"

"Nope, just me and my mom. Do you have any?"

I laughed. "Yeah, you could say that."

°°°

"Wait. He did _what_?"

"Yeah," I chuckled, "Luce couldn't turn visible again and was stuck like that for five days. I mean, he was only thirteen, so he couldn't help it. But the twins were four, so they somehow found him while he was sleeping and drew all over his body in Sharpie." I remembered just how stupid my older brother looked with multicolored markers scribbled all over his arms, legs, and face. "He couldn't get it off either. So, that's how we knew where he was when we couldn't see him. Even after his powers started working again, he still had faint lines on him."

"That's hilarious. I couldn't imagine having that many _paratas_ running around." He shook his head in amusement before his eyes lit up. "I've got a funny power related story for you too. Dean's gonna kill me," he mumbled under his breath. "So, it was the summer after seventh grade. Benny was about to leave for Louisiana, so we threw him a going away party at Dean's house. You know, this was the first year he came to Glen Rock, so we weren't happy to see him go. The three of us are standing in his backyard, and Dean just bursts into flames. It was so funny until we realized he didn't have his fireproof school uniform on and his clothes were starting to burn off his body."

My eyes widened, and I covered my mouth. Why was that so funny?

"Luckily, we pushed him into his pool before everything was gone. We made fun of him about it for months. He still gets really embarrassed about it if you bring it up. He's probably going to kill me for telling you that too."

°°°

"I should probably head back to our room and practice a little more."

Adam nodded. "I probably won't see you until late tonight, so break a leg or whatever."

"You're not coming back?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No. Benny wanted me to come over, probably so he could complain about something."

"Alright, see you later."

"Get out of here, Novak."

"Whatever, Milligan."

When I got back to my room, it was around twelve thirty. I ran through everything I needed to play for about two hours until I was sure I sounded decent.

At the last minute, I decided to change into a pair of jeans and a blue long-sleeved shirt, both of which fit my body nicely. Dress to impress and all, right?

I stared at my contact case for a solid minute as I decided whether or not I wanted to wear my contacts today before something Dean said came back to me. _And you look really good in glasses. You should wear them more often._ That one comment made me freeze in my tracks. Why did everything Dean say sound so much like Levi and his flirting?

I sighed and opted to leave my glasses on. Mostly because I was too lazy to change them. Grabbing the lanyard I put my keys on last night and slipping it over my head, I made my way to the Chinese restaurant Kevin gave me the directions to.

●Dean●

By eleven forty-two, Jo and I were at the band room with a stack of freshly printed papers. We expected Mr. Harrison not to be there, but he was. He had already set the table up for the three of us, as well as the stand and chair for whoever was auditioning. Usually, our band director stood in front of the semicircle, but that's where the students would be trying out. Really, auditions required very little set up, but Mr. Harrison just didn't like doing it. Jo wasn't too thrilled about it either. We were both pleasantly surprised to find that we didn't have to do anything.

For the remaining time, we put the comment sheets into three stacks and just talked before it was time to call in the first student.

Jo nervously looked to me when we sat down before shouting into the hallway, "Cora Jones."

I knew this girl was a freshman, just by the name. A few seconds later, a small girl with her black hair pulled up into two twists came in. I'm pretty sure I'd heard Jo call those space buns, but I didn't know. She was cute with her navy skirt and her striped shirt. It was obvious that she hadn't done this before, just by the way she dressed. New kids always dressed up, while the experienced ones wore jeans or sweatpants. We all talked to the girl before she started playing, which I was impressed with. Usually, freshmen don't try out for piccolo, but I was glad Cora did. This must have been the girl Benny was talking about. Honestly, her audition was flawless, and I couldn't wait to march with her this season.

There wasn't one negative note on my paper, and when I looked at Jo and Mr. Harrison's, I saw that they didn't have a single complaint either. So far, we were off to a great start.

"Alright," Jo said once Cora left the room, "next is Amelia Davidson, senior trumpet player. She's trying out for section leader and the trumpet solo in Don't You Forget About Me."

"Amelia Davidson," I called.

•••

We were about an hour in, and we'd already made it to number sixteen. A freshman cymbal player named Ella had just finished after a quick and pretty great audition. Next up was Violet Brooks. She was an amazing flutist last year, but I had a feeling that she was going to be even better on guard.

I didn't know much about the tosses she was doing, but I could tell she was good, especially for a sophomore. While I was watching her, my mind wandered since I couldn't judge anything that she was doing. I thought of how she would entertain herself last year during our games. She was a pretty cocky freshman last year and would always mess with me whenever I tried to talk to her. Every time we spoke, she would manipulate the ink on my sheet music so I couldn't read a thing. I was forced to memorize everything faster than I usually did, just so I didn't have my lyre at games. Then, she did the same thing during concert season. I'd never been so annoyed by anyone's powers until I met Violet. If I didn't know she and an alto player named Isaac were dating, I would've thought she was flirting with me. Turns out, she just liked it when I was uncomfortable.

"That was great," I told her. "And I just want to tell you that if you start messing with my music this year, I won't hesitate to freeze you to the field."

"Dean," Mr. Harrison warned.

I just laughed. "Sorry."

•••

Following two sophomores, a clarinet player named Lukas Freeman and a flutist named Mila Thompson, was London Kingsley. She walked into the room with her saxophone and immediately winked at me, an action that caught my sister's attention. She played through her scales and her prepared piece well, but tripped up when we told her to sight read part of Thriller. We knew that London wasn't very good at sight reading, but she would get the field show down in a week or two and would do it great.

The second she left, Jo practically pounced on me. "What was with that wink?"

"You know London just likes to flirt."

"Yeah, with you," she scoffed. "You didn't have to look so happy about it."

I didn't know how to respond to that. Was I not allowed to smile at people? I didn't know why she was so worried about it.

I didn't say anything else to her until Mr. Harrison brought in the next person.

○Cas○

After lunch with Charlie and Kevin, we walked back to campus. The hall to the band room that was completely empty yesterday was full of kids, cases, and a lot of noise. People were warming up; a few kids had taken the soundproof rooms that were in between the orchestra hall and the band room to tune.

"How much time do you guys have?"

Charlie shrugged, walking towards a boy holding a silver trumpet then to the bulletin board. She came back to us wearing a smirk. "Jeremy said Benny Lafitte just went in; he's number fifty-eight. We have around fifteen minutes."

We filled that time with meaningless conversation until Charlie's name came from the band room. She picked up her trumpet and gave us a little salute as she confidently left to try out. Kevin only then started putting together his saxophone, and I talked to avoid an awkward silence between us. We listened to Charlie as she played, the sound traveling through the walls and halfway across the building. Damn, she was good.

"So, Charlie is section leader for the trumpets?" I asked, mainly to say something.

"Well, no. Today is actually when Mr. Harrison and Jo decide everything, but we all know it's going to be Charlie. Her friend Amelia wants to be in charge, but Mr. Harrison trusts Charlie more with the freshmen." He talked absently as he tried to twist his mouthpiece into the right position.

"That means you're not officially section leader either, right?"

He shook his head, finally seeming happy with where the mouthpiece was. "No, I've already got it. You're our only senior, and none of the other juniors want to be leader. Everything falls on me for this year and next."

"Oh." I resumed listening to Charlie; she was now playing a song I didn't recognize, though it sounded really good.

I must have looked confused because Kevin explained. "Our show is 80s themed. Thanks to Jo and Dean. Charlie's doing the intro to Mr. Roboto right now and is getting ready to play the solo for Don't You Forget About Me."

A minute or two later, Charlie was done and Kevin took her place down the hall. Charlie plopped down next to me with a grin on her face.

"How did you do?" I asked, as if I didn't hear how good she was.

"I think I did really well. My B flat was a little too flat, but it's fine. Everything else was good." She pulled out her phone after she put her trumpet away and started texting someone. "I'm supposed to meet Dorothy later, is that okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

"Well, I don't want to leave you here by yourself."

"You're fine. Go ahead and leave whenever you need to. It won't bother me to wait alone for a little while."

"Are you sure?" I nodded, so she returned to her phone. "Okay, I'm good for half an hour, then I've got to go."

I started messing with my sleeves, which my friend interpreted as me being nervous. I assured her that I was fine, but she wouldn't hear it. Then, once Kevin joined us again, they both were on my case.

"Guys, I'm not nervous. This isn't a big deal."

"Then, what's wrong?" Kevin asked.

"Nothing." And I wasn't lying: I just had a lot on my mind. Almost every one of those things was Dean Winchester, but I wasn't going to say that. I kept my mouth shut, and my friends didn't push it anymore.

°°°

"Castiel Novak." I opened my eyes to find the hallway empty and absolutely silent. It had been almost forty-five minutes since Kevin left and over thirty since Charlie went as well. I had almost fallen asleep, though I was glad I didn't. It was bad enough that I was _Castiel that new kid Dean Winchester hit with a dodgeball then was yelled at by,_ I didn't want to be the one who took a nap at auditions too.

A middle aged man was standing in the doorway, an inviting smile on his face. This must have been Mr. Harrison, the band teacher. He watched me as I pulled the saxophone from its case and walked across the hall.

The first thing I noticed once I got to the front of the room was Jo Harvelle, who looked like she was going to burst from happiness. The next was Dean Winchester, who looked like he was going to die from embarrassment.

My brain couldn't even fathom why he was sitting in front of me, but I tried to not think about any of it.

I ducked my head, not able to make eye contact with the boy I yelled at the day before because he reminded me of my ex-boyfriend. Sitting at the stand set in front of the table of judges, I laid out my music.

Mr. Harrison sat in his seat on the left and picked up his pen. "Castiel Novak. You're new, right?"

I nodded. "Yes, sir." He scribbled something on the paper in front of him, which caused my hands to suddenly get sweaty.

"My name is Mr. Harrison. This is Jo and Dean." I didn't feel the need to tell him that I already knew both of them, so I just smiled at them while still avoiding Dean's stare. "Alright, Castiel. Why don't we start with your scales? First B flat, then F, then C."

I quickly did as he instructed, only fumbling over a few notes. He then asked if I had a song prepared. I nodded, so he told me to play that when I was ready.

They didn't know how much that solo meant to me. They didn't know how right it felt for me to play it this one last time away from Claydon. They didn't know how long I practiced in front of Levi while we were dating with the music to the part I didn't even play. They didn't know how proud I was to be able to play it today, partially because it was pretty difficult and partially because it reminded me so much of my old life.

With a small smile playing on my lips, I began the song. I couldn't ever get the end of the solo: my fingers would trip over the keys as I tried to play the quick sixteenth notes. But I played everything perfectly.

I was absolutely elated at the end of it all, though, I couldn't tell what the three people in front of me thought. Mr. Harrison was writing on his paper once again, Jo was watching Dean, and Dean was staring at the table quite intently.

Jo elbowed Dean, sliding a sheet of paper at him. I couldn't hear the words exchanged between them or decipher their looks, but eventually, he brought me what I learned was sheet music.

"Just do your best to sight read what you can," he told me.

I nodded, scanning over the notes before starting Don't You Forget About Me.

●Dean●

The second Castiel walked into the room, my heart stopped. It seemed like this guy was just tempting me at this point. He looked really amazing in the deep blue and those tight jeans. And, damn it, he was wearing his glasses. Why was he so hot?

Jo gave me a look that said she knew exactly what I was thinking, and I tried to fight the blush that was surely painted all over my face by not looking up from my notes. While he played, I read over my comments for the girl named Lilli Brown who went right before him. Nothing I wrote seemed to make any sense, which I blamed on Castiel and that terrific song he was playing. When was this boy going to cease to amaze me?

I got through the majority of the song without responding, but then he got to the solo.

My body seemed to react without consulting my brain first because my heart started beating very quickly. I was waiting for my hands to light up, so I shoved them under the table. The warmth that I assumed would make an appearance never came, but I understood why when I looked up. I froze the three water bottles on the table accidentally. I tried to reverse what just happened before anyone noticed, but it was too late. Jo already saw it.

When Castiel finished, I could feel my sister smirking at me. I didn't look at her until she elbowed me.

"I saw that, Dean Winchester."

"Shut up," I hissed at her. I couldn't let Castiel know how flustered he made me, and Jo had a big mouth.

She laughed and gave me a piece of music. "Here. Go give this to your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend, Jo."

"Not yet."

She didn't say anything else, so I had to get up. I took him the music, trying to keep myself from bursting into flames.

I leaned in as I set the paper on his stand. "Just do your best to sight read what you can."

He looked confused by what I said, but started playing before I even got back to my seat. Man, he was really good. _I wonder what else he's good at,_ I thought. I tried so hard to think of that in a way that wasn't dirty, but it just wasn't working.

I missed the rest of his audition, and before I knew it, Castiel had left. It was just the three of us.

"Alright, Dean," Jo said. "Time for your audition. And let's do this fast because I want to go eat."

I numbly put my piccolo together and ran through everything I had to. I didn't bother to deal with all the formalities, so what would have been a pretty long audition only lasted about four minutes. Jo and Mr. Harrison didn't write anything down, but I knew I was good. I mean, our band director wouldn't trust me with being a judge if I couldn't play my own instrument.

Soon, I was finished, and Jo and I put everything away while Mr. Harrison took our stacks of paper into his office. He came out with a laptop bag and told us to have a good night. We followed him out the door, but split off in a different direction once we hit the evening air.

"Alright," Jo said, her lips stretched into a wide grin, "what did you think about Cas?"

"Are you people ever going to leave me alone about him?"

"No."

○Cas○

I let out a sigh, shaking from the audition and unexpectedly running into Dean. I didn't think much of it when Adam told me Benny and Dean were talking about auditions. _No, of course Dean Winchester would be in band. Of course he would be judging auditions. Why wouldn't he?_ Once I composed myself, I put the instrument and music back into the case.

I was about to leave when I heard voices from the band room. Pausing, I tried to listen to what they were saying; though that was futile as another sound filled the hallway.

Now, I wasn't the biggest fan of the piccolo. In my old school, ours were always a little too overbearing and very out of tune. But this was something else entirely. For a moment, I wondered who could be playing since there wasn't anyone else in the building. The answer hit me not a second after I questioned it.

Dean.

Dean was the one playing.

Jo wouldn't have since she was field commander, plus she said there was someone who had to audition after me. I just didn't expect that person to be Dean. And I really didn't expect for him to be playing the piccolo, especially that well.

That boy seemed to be full of surprises.

I stayed to listen to him play through a few songs but left before he finished. I didn't want to be caught eavesdropping and have to explain myself, mostly because I didn't have a good excuse. Since it was past six thirty, I went back to my dorm, part of me wanting Adam to be back and part of me hoping I could have the room to myself for just a little while.

●Dean●

Jo and I walked home in relative silence that was only broken when she tried to get answers about Castiel. She was surprised when I kept calling him Castiel rather than the nickname he apparently wanted her to call him. And I was ashamed to say that when I heard that, jealousy flamed inside me. How was it fair that my sister could call him Cas but I couldn't?

 _Dean_ , I reminded myself, _you seem to be forgetting that you were the one who wanted to stop using his nickname, not him. Castiel didn't say anything about it._

_Yes, but he was so irritated when I asked to call him that. I knew it would've been better if I just referred to him by his given name. Nicknames are personal; only people who are close to you use them. He doesn't want me anywhere near him._

_Did you ever stop to think that there's a reason why he acted that way when you wanted to call him Cas? Maybe it's not such a bad thing._

_Really? How isn't it a-_

"Dean?"

My eyes darted from the sidewalk to Jo, pulling myself out of the argument in my head.

"Are you alright? You've been awful quiet."

"Yeah, just thinking."

"That's new."

I ignored that comment and continued to mull things over to myself. Maybe with enough consideration, I could find a way to fix things. Maybe.

Before I knew it, we were home. Jo held open the gate for me, and the second I stepped into the yard, I was almost knocked over by Bones. I steadied myself and shook my head at our dog who still acted like a giant puppy.

Jo laughed and rubbed behind the blond dog's ear. "He missed you. And he's also mad at you for not showing up yesterday."

I rolled my eyes but dropped down to the golden retriever's level. Running my hands through his long fur, I smiled. "Tell him I missed him too and that I'm sorry."

My sister laughed at me, yet she relayed the message to Bones using her powers to communicate with animals. Most of the time, things were chaotic with all the powers in this house, but times like this were nice. I mean, we had healing powers, voice projection, geokinesis, phasing, animal communication, elemental control, invisibility, and Sam and I both had super strength, so it was hard for everything to work peacefully, but sometimes it did. I couldn't imagine having a bigger family of _paratas_.

Jo, once again, dragged me from my thoughts. "Come on, hurry up and get inside. I'm starving."

We stood, and Bones tilted his head at us, jumping at our feet as we walked inside. When we all hit the door, he ran upstairs to Sam's room, and I didn't see him for the rest of the night. He sure missed me, didn't he?

"Mom," I yelled into the kitchen, "Jo and I are home."

"It's about time!" I heard. "Come in here and help set the table. Dinner's almost ready."


	5. Weekends & Wandering

○Cas○

When I got up, Adam was taking a shower. I guess he was going to run every morning; I applauded him for being able to wake up early enough to exercise. I mean, as long as I didn't have to do it.

It was strangely quiet, and I didn't really like the way I could hear my alarm clock humming slightly. It was never this silent in my house; the lack of noise was definitely something I was going to have to get used to. I tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't work. I never realized how comforting all the sound was back home or how I apparently couldn't sleep in the morning without Michael snoring on the other side of my wall.

So, despite it being only eight, I got ready the second Adam stepped out of the bathroom, brushing my teeth and putting in my contacts after. Dressed in a random pair of jeans and T-shirt, I made my way to that coffee shop for some much needed caffeine. Twenty minutes later, I was standing at room 201 in the college dorms, waiting for my older brother to let me in.

I expected Gabe to look like a zombie fresh from its grave when he open the door, but he looked like he'd been awake for hours.

"Cas!" he said very loudly. Gabe immediately pulled me into his room, which surprised me even more than his appearance. "Peter's working right now, so we've got the whole place to ourselves. What's up?"

I looked around his room, yet I didn't see the mess his room in Claydon always held. Instead, it looked like someone other than my brother lived there. I almost asked Gabe if he was in the wrong dorm. Gabe sat in a chair opposite the bed that was surrounded with our family pictures and started spinning it. He never turned enough that he couldn't make eye contact with me, but the action was still pretty childish. I sat on what I presumed to be his bed.

"Oh, nothing really. I just wanted to come and talk."

"You're homesick, aren't you?"

I wanted to say that I wasn't, but I knew Gabe would see right through my lie. "Yeah, a little."

He smiled, spinning out of my sight. "Don't worry, when we go back for Thanksgiving break, you'll want the peace and quiet again."

"If you say so."

"So," Gabe began, turning to face me again, "what do you think about Glen Rock so far?"

I shrugged, pulling my legs onto his bed so I was sitting cross-legged. "It's a lot better than California, that's for sure. Everyone seems a lot nicer."

"Then, why were you yelling at people?"

Why did I not consider the fact that my family would know about Dean? Why did I think that anything was going to go my way? "You heard about that?"

He nodded. He didn't look as amused as I thought he would. I figured he would say something about me playing nice with the other kids before changing the subject, but he didn't. "It's only the second day of school, Cas. Come on. You're not really setting yourself up to make a lot of friends, are you?"

"Do you even know what happened? Do you know who I yelled at or why?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does!" My voice was ringing in the quiet room, and Gabe just looked disappointed. When I spoke again, I was a lot quieter. "It was Dean Winchester because he hadn't left me alone since school started. He was watching me in the locker room, so I raised my voice at him. And I have plenty of friends; you don't have to worry."

"I'm sorry. I'm your big brother: it's my job to worry about you." Gabe offered me a smile as he walked over to a minifridge that was hidden in his closet. He brought back two waters and handed one to me.

"Where did you get a minifridge?" I asked as I opened my drink.

"Mom and Dad got it for me as a graduation present." He nodded across the room at his roommate's desk. "Peter has a microwave over there. I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have either, but we haven't been caught yet."

My brother's eyes were sparkling and not with any unusual colors that would suggest he was using his powers. He just looked happy. He looked happy in a way he never was at home, and I wasn't sure why. Hopefully, this place was going to leave me that content with life.

"Tell me about these friends of yours."

"Well, do you know Charlie Bradbury?"

●Dean●

"Hey, Dean," a voice called behind me.

I turned to find someone I never would have expected to be back in Glen Rock.

"Blake? What are you doing here?"

He laughed like he knew a joke I wasn't in on. "Stop messing around, you know why I'm here." Blake pushed himself off the doorframe in my bedroom and made his way towards me. "It's been too long. Let me tell you, New York isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. I haven't even gotten a chance to go to New York City yet. I miss it here. I miss you." He brought his hand to my cheek, and I couldn't help but lean into his touch.

"Benny told me."

"Hm?" My eyes that had just fluttered shut opened when he said his next words.

"He told me about Cas."

I pulled away from him, backing up until my calves hit my bed. "What do you mean?"

"I can't believe you're going after other guys, Dean."

"What?" I sputtered. _I can't believe this. I can't believe him._ "We're not together anymore. You can't expect me to just wait around for you forever. I don't want you to do that either."

He stepped closer to me so that we were almost touching. Blake's brown eyes were just inches from my face, so close, yet they looked miles away. His chocolate colored hair was within reach, yet I didn't have the urge to run my fingers through it like I used to.

"But I love you, Dean."

"I'm sorry, but I-"

I never found out what I was going to say because I was awoken by the disturbing feeling of my cheek being wet. When I opened my eyes, I found our dog hovering over me as he licked my face.

"Oh, Bones! That's disgusting." I wiped my face and yelled for my brother. "Sam! Your dog is in my room, and he's violating me!"

Not a second later, Sam was at my door, hair everywhere from just waking up. "There you are." Bones immediately bounded over to my brother and started licking him, something Sam didn't seem to mind. "I was looking all over for him."

"How do you lose a giant golden retriever?" I muttered under my breath. I pulled my blanket over my head and laid back down. "Come get me when breakfast is ready. I'm going back to sleep."

On weekends like this, I missed the silence of my empty dorm. And ignoring Benny's text tone that came from my phone, I did just as I said and fell asleep.

○Cas○

I spent most of the day with Gabe and crashed the second I got back to my room. Despite the unsettling quiet, I had no trouble drifting back to sleep.

°°°

"Are you nervous about seeing the results from Saturday?"

I shrugged, tying my shoelaces. "Not really. Like you said, Adam, auditions were no big deal."

"You want some company?"

I thought about it for a minute. While it would be nice to have someone to talk to, I wasn't sure if I wanted that person to be Adam. Yes, I liked talking to my roommate, but the fact that he was Dean's best friend still put me off. It would just be better if I went alone today.

"I'm good, but thanks. I want some time to think on my own."

Adam seemed hesitant to agree, but eventually nodded. "Just... don't spend too much time by yourself, okay? That isolation isn't good for anyone; I've seen what it can do to people. Don't shut people out."

That random burst of sentimentality surprised me. It definitely felt weird to have Adam opening up to me, but it wasn't a bad weird. Part of me wondered who he's had to watch separate themselves from other people; another part felt like I already knew.

"How about we get dinner when I come back? I feel like we barely know each other."

Finally, Adam returned my sheepish grin, his looking a lot more confident.

"Sounds great. Text me when you're on your way." Before I could point out that I didn't have his phone number, he scribbled it on the corner of a piece of paper in his notebook that he was doing chemistry homework in and handed it to me.

"Will do."

°°°

Apparently, the entire band had come at noon when the results were first posted. I was only half an hour late, but no one else was in the premises. There wasn't even a sign that someone was occupying the theater or any of the practice rooms dotted around the building.

Once I reached the band room, I looked at the bulletin board. The packet at auditions that Charlie looked at Saturday was taken down and replaced by more organized lists. There was a sheet of paper for each section that was separated by which part we would play for the year. I ran my finger down the list of altos and mellophones, finding my name among the firsts with Kevin, a girl named Alaina, and a boy named Elijah.

I smiled at that. I guess my audition went pretty well, then. Content, I started back down the hall. Unfortunately, I was stopped by a voice. I guess I was wrong when I assumed I was alone.

"Oh, Jo. Hey. I didn't know anyone was here."

She laughed lightly and leaned against the wall. "Cas, there's always someone down here."

"So I've heard."

"Congrats on auditions by the way. If you stick around for concert season, I guarantee you'll have at least one solo."

My jaw dropped and a small smile stretched across my face. "Really?"

Jo nodded. "Dean actually wanted to give you one for the field show, but he seemed to forget that the only solo we have is for trumpet. First alto was the best we could do."

Dean wanted me to have a solo? I didn't know if that was due to my audition or his odd liking of me. If it was the latter, that was weird and a little creepy; if it was the former, the gesture was a little sweet. According to Adam, Dean wanted to make things up to me, but he didn't know how without making me upset. Really, my roommate had a big mouth; I didn't know why Dean trusted him with any type of information.

"Well, thanks. To both of you, I guess." I pointed over my shoulder to the door. "I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Alright, Cas. See you," she said with a smirk. Her entire expression changed as she remembered something. "First practice is this Friday. Give me one second." Jo ran into the band room and came back out with four half sheets of paper: sheet music. She winked at me. "It's best to get a head start."

"Thank you. Really, I appreciate it."

"No problem. Now, get out of here, Cas. I want to go home."

_Me too, Jo. Me too._

●Dean●

"Dean. Dean!" Something hard hit my face, probably leaving a bruise.

"Damn it, Sam. Ow!" I ripped out my earbuds and pressed my fingers to my cheekbones. "What was that for?"

"You weren't answering me," he said simply.

I could feel my face starting to swell. Mom was going to heal that the second she came home. There was no way I was going back to school with a black eye thanks to my thirteen-year-old brother.

"What did you hit me with?"

Sam looked like he was trying to hold back his laughter and was failing. "My TV remote."

"I hope it broke. Now, what did you want?" He better have had a reason to interrupt my peace other than hitting me in the face.

"Oh, Mom called. Dad's working late tonight in the gym. Something about new equipment."

"And...?"

"He needs food, I guess. A burger from Milton's."

"Why do I have to go?" I sighed. "You could've managed on your own."

"I'm thirteen!"

"Who has super strength and can turn invisible. Like I said, you could've managed." When I realized he wasn't going to budge, I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'm going."

•••

When I made it to the double doors that led to the gym, a loud drilling noise stopped me. I thought Dad was getting new equipment. When Sam told me that, I pictured the old man sifting through boxes of lacrosse sticks and football helmets, not whatever he was doing.

"Dad?" I asked hesitantly. Taking slow steps into the gymnasium so I didn't startle him, I tried to find the source of the odd sound. Well, I didn't have to look far. He was at the top of a ladder, drilling what I thought was a camera to the ceiling. When I got closer, though, I realized that it wasn't a camera. The small device was white and about the size of a baseball if you were to cut one in half. Once my dad finished drilling, he pressed a button on the hemisphere and blue lights flashed around the base. As I studied the rest of the room, I saw three more of the objects in the corners of the ceiling.

He slowly came down the ladder and almost jumped out of his own skin when he saw me.

"Dean, what are you doing here?"

I held up the paper bag from Adam's mother's restaurant. "I brought you food."

•••

Once my dad was done eating and I finished off his french fries, he took me out of his office and back onto the court.

"Dad, what are these things?" I asked, pointing towards the white objects.

"Some new technology the board wants to try out. They decided after our _little accident_ on the first day of school that we needed to install new power blockers. I guess the old ones were going bad, that's why you could use your powers, even though they were on. These supposedly are stronger since you have to use eight rather than four points. It won't be long before all the fields, courts, and the pool have these too." He walked over to a box next to his toolbox and pulled out four disks that looked the same size as the power blockers. "We have to line these up on the floor with the ones on the ceiling."

"We?" I was hoping that was just a general term and not one that meant I had to mess with what had to be expensive equipment.

"Yeah, boy, you're going to help me."

 _Great_.

•••

The last disk was lined up and flashed a ring of blue.

"Is that it?"

Dad looked at me like I was stupid. "Well, now, we've got to test them."

"I'm just going to assume that means you want me to light myself on fire or something."

"Bingo."

He stepped into the small perimeter that was outside the line of power blockers and took a slim white remote from his back pocket. Every device glowed green and stayed lit, signaling they were active. A shimmering force field appeared around the court before it dissolved into thin air.

I willed a small fire to spring to life on my palm, yet nothing happened. Frowning, I tried again. I thought of warmth and hot chocolate after snowball fights with Sam and Jo. I thought of hot summer days, the bright lights on the football field, and Mom's homemade chicken noodle soup. I tried every trick that I was taught growing up, but I couldn't even conjure a spark. When I attempted to freeze the water bottle sitting by my dad's feet or move the air in any way, I yielded the same results.

I must have looked like an idiot.

He finally pressed another button, and the lights slowly died. The second they all turn off, the flame I'd struggled to create danced on my fingertips.

I grinned at my dad as I smothered the fire. "I think they work."

○Cas○

"I'm going to go do some laundry. Do you need me to take yours down too?"

"No, I did mine this morning while you were out."

Adam nodded and left a moment later, giving me the room to myself for a while. With that time, I decided to call home. I picked up my cell phone from my nightstand and dialed the number.

" _Cas_ ," my mom said when the phone stopped ringing, " _how are you doing?_ "

"Good. Really good. How's it going at home?"

She laughed a little, telling me that she was extremely stressed. " _It could be better. Without you older boys, the younger ones are acting out a bit. It'll get better once they start school._ "

"Yeah, they're always a handful right before it starts." I decided to ask right away so I wouldn't forget. "So, uh... Do you happen to know where my alto is?"

" _I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Why?_ "

"Well, I kind of joined band again."

She was quiet for a full minute. " _Really?_ "

I nodded until I realized that she couldn't see me. "Yeah. So, can you guys look around for it and send it up here? Practices start Friday, but I can use the school's saxophone until you guys find it."

" _Okay_ ," she shifted the phone to her other ear. " _Yeah, we'll look around for it. I'll ask Anna; she'll probably know_."

"Speaking of Anna, how's she doing?"

" _She misses you like the rest of us, but probably more than the boys. She's always been closer to you than everyone else_."

"And the boys are doing well? I mean, besides from being little hoodlums, which is normal."

Mom laughed into my ear. " _They are. Though, the twins are starting to worry me. Ezekiel and Gadreel are going to be thirteen soon, and it feels like their powers are going to start to act out. Two boys going through puberty at the same time,_ " she muttered.

I smiled and crossed my legs on my bed. "Mom, I lived. Michael lived. Gabriel lived. Even Lucius lived. If Gabe and Luce can do it, Ezekiel and Gadreel can. Don't worry."

We talked for a bit before I asked where Dad was.

" _Oh, you know him. He's working late at the office again. Probably just so he doesn't have to help put these kids to bed._ " The unamusement in her voice was almost funny. Almost.

She paused, one of my siblings must have been talking to her. " _Hm? Yeah, you can talk for a little while. You know you have school tomorrow, so you have to be in bed by nine._ "

" _I know, Mom,_ " I heard Anna say.

" _Alright, Cas. I'm getting kicked off the phone. Call when you're not busy. And can you tell your brothers to do the same at some point?_ "

"Yeah, I will. I love you, Mom. Goodnight."

" _Goodnight, Castiel. I love you too_."

I could almost hear the phone being snatched out her hands. " _Cassie!_ "

"Hey, Bee," I laughed. "I miss you."


	6. Partners & Practice

●Dean●

Adam walked out of the locker room as the bells rang across campus.

"Where were you?" Benny questioned loudly before he even reached us.

"Hauling my roommate's ass out of bed. I've never seen anyone sleep so much." He sat down with us when my dad yelled for everyone to start stretching. "I heard auditions went pretty well.... At least for Castiel."

I looked away, not wanting to meet Adam's eyes. _Yes, Castiel's audition went well. Amazing, actually. It's not often that a new kid comes in and gets first part for marching season. Hell, I wanted to give him a solo. We would be lucky if he signed up for concert band._

"So, how'd you do, Benny?"

As I stared into space, they talked about Benny being the new drumline captain and what they did over the weekend. I just ignored them, rather focusing on the room and what stretches we were doing. While I looked around the gym, I kept feeling like someone was watching me. I turned over my shoulder to find I was right, yet I didn't expect what I saw. Castiel was staring at me.

Well, he was scowling at me. My lips parted to try to make sense of everything. The second I made eye contact with him, Castiel went back to talking to Charlie Bradbury.

"Dean?" Benny hit me on the shoulder. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Great."

•••

I didn't catch Castiel looking at me for the rest of the class period. It's not that I didn't try either. Every spare moment I had, I was trying to catch a glimpse of that boy's blue eyes on me. I never did.

•••

When I sat down in _Paratas_ , it felt like the day would never end. Second block had dragged on forever, and lunch seemed to take three times as long to end. I had never had a school day that was as miserable as today. Following the trend, the minutes between classes were excruciatingly slow.

"Okay, guys," Mr. Potter greeted with a grin. "Let's pass up those permission slips so we can get started. I'm really excited for this one."

A girl raised her hand from the front of the room. I couldn't tell from her back, but when she started speaking, I realized it was Alison Bexley, the senior volleyball captain. "Mr. Potter, what exactly are we doing?"

"So, today we're going to swab the inside of your cheeks and send in the DNA to a lab. There, the scientists will make a specific type of medication that will almost perfectly replicate your powers while cancelling out any others. I'm choosing your partners, and you will have personalized pills that will temporarily disable your powers and switch on someone else's." He paused, smiling. "Alison, what are your powers?"

"Shadow melding," she said proudly. _Okay, that one's pretty cool._ "And sand control."

"And say you were paired with... Bailey." Mr. Potter turned his attention to a boy a few rows beside me. "What are your powers, Bailey?"

"Lie detection."

I could practically see the wheels turning in our teacher's head. "How interesting would that be?"

"So, what's the point in all this?" Marilyn Baker asked.

"To give you an appreciation for other _paratas_. To show you what our technological and scientific fields are creating. To let you have an opportunity to do something you most likely wouldn't ever get to do. Tell me, how many of you have never thought, even for a moment, that life would be better with other powers? How many haven't ever wished that you could just have something else? Be something else? Go on... raise your hand."

We all waited in silence for someone, anyone, to move a muscle. One could say that we were just waiting for someone to raise their hand first, but I knew the truth. I grew up with these people; I knew how they thought. I felt exactly the same way too. We all wanted something different with our lives. We all wanted to be someone or something other than what we were. We wanted to be _debilis_ with all our hearts at some point. We wanted to be normal.

"That's what I thought," Mr. Potter said sadly. "Now, who wants to begin?"

○Cas○

The week was going by surprisingly well. I kept feeling like something was going to go wrong. Maybe I jinxed myself.

°°°

" _Yeah, Cas_ ," Mom said over the phone, " _we sent it up Tuesday, so it should be there by now._ "

"Mom, it doesn't take two days to go through a portal." I slipped on some shoes and picked up my keys. "I'll check down at the mailboxes first, then I'll go to the portal office. Don't worry, I'll find my alto."

" _I don't know why you haven't gotten it yet._ "

I laughed. "It's not like I check the mail every day. It's more of an... every Friday thing."

" _Castiel Novak._ "

"I know, I know." I got to the commons and opened the mailbox for our dorm. Inside were a few envelopes and a piece of paper with neat handwriting.

_An instrument case was delivered for Castiel Novak. See the secretary in the general admissions building._

"I've got it, Mom. Thanks."

" _Oh, thank goodness. Alright, Cas, I have to go. I'll talk to you later_."

"Okay. Love you."

" _I love you too._ "

°°°

When I got to my room, I decided to make sure the instrument still worked. Our first practice was tomorrow right after fourth block, and I was sick of using the school's saxophone. Everything was still in its place, yet it seemed like I was out of reeds.

I fumbled around the front pocket of my case, hoping that I still had spares tucked away. They might be old, but that shouldn't be a problem. Right?

My hand touched something that felt like thick paper instead. Confused, I pulled it out, knowing what it was the moment my fingers touched the other side.

It was a picture. A picture of me and Levi to be exact.

I completely forgot that when I broke up with him, I put everything in a box under my bed. After I quit band, I threw it all in my saxophone case before putting it in the attic so I wouldn't have to see any of it again. Well, that plan backfired on me.

The picture was of the two of us at the beach. We were looking at each other happily, absolutely oblivious to our friend that was documenting everything with her camera.

Knowing there was more hidden in the pocket, I began to dig it all out. Sure enough, there were dozens of additional photos, twenty-four ticket stubs, handwritten letters from Levi, and a bracelet from a fair we went to freshman year.

I bit my lip as I ran my fingers along the paper band, recognizing it immediately. Like everything else, it brought back some unwelcome memories.

°°°

I pulled on the white and green paper wristband as Levi and I waited for the line to move. He somehow talked me into riding the death trap in front of us. I watched as the elliptical shape lifted the cages around the track and tumbled over itself, sending the P shaped seats flipping violently.

"Levi, we're going to die."

He laughed, clearly not worried. "Cas, it's fine." He pulled me closer, his arm around my waist, before whispering in my ear. "And if you get scared, you can hold my hand, okay?"

I let out a short breath, trying to be annoyed but only sounding terrified. "If we die, I'm going to kill you. Just so you know."

"Alright. Come on, this should be us."

For whatever reason, I let him pull me along to the next cage. It was almost as if I was being drawn to it like a magnet. If I didn't know better, I would've thought Levi was attracting me to the ride. But he couldn't do that. _He better not be able to do that_.

When the ride operator locked the door, Levi laced his fingers with mine, smiling gently. "You'll be fine, Angel. I've got you."

"How did I let you talk me into this?" I whined as the ride started moving, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Because you love me."

He wasn't too far off. Of course, we hadn't even been dating for two months, so I wouldn't go _that_ far. But it was definitely my feelings towards the boy beside me that got me I'm that situation. It was my feelings that resulted in me fearing for my life as I crushed the hand of my giggling boyfriend. Though, I had to admit, his laughter was pretty cute.

"Cas, get out. The ride's over."

"Are you sure? Because everything is still spinning."

Levi shook his head, grabbing my hand again. "Let's go get something to eat."

"I don't think that's such a great idea. I'm just going to get water, but go ahead."

Fifteen minutes later, he finished his pizza, somehow keeping the greasy food down. I silently ate the snow cone Levi brought me to calm my stomach until he started talking, nudging my shoulder to get my attention. "You know, I'm proud of you. I honestly didn't think you would ride that; the Cas I met a few months ago wouldn't have."

"The Cas you met a few months ago probably wouldn't have even come here with you, nevermind ride that."

"Well," Levi told me, giving me that grin that melted my heart, "I'm glad that you did."

"Me too."

And before I knew it, Levi was leaning towards me, and his lips were on mine.

°°°

That was our first kiss. Actually, it was my first kiss ever. So, yes, I kept the bracelet.

I was still hoping to find a reed, so with the pocket emptied, I tried again. Turns out, it wasn't _completely_ empty.

My hand brushed against something metallic, and I gasped. It couldn't be. I didn't keep it, did I? Cautiously, I removed the object. I began tearing up when I realized that it was exactly what I thought it was.

°°°

I walked to my locker after school one day during sophomore year, planning to spend the afternoon with Levi. He was usually leaned against the door, smirking at me until I reached him. That time, though, he wasn't. Let's just say, I was confused. I texted him to no response, so I just gathered my things to go home. And that's when I found it. Nestled in the pocket of my backpack that usually held my keys was a compass.

I frowned as I watched it change from pointing north to frantically spinning. When it stopped, the needle was leading in a different direction.

 _Levi_ , I thought.

_Why couldn't he just tell me where to go like a normal human?_

With a sigh, I followed the disfunctional compass being controlled by my even more disfuntional boyfriend.

Twenty minutes later, the compass was rerouted seven times, and I was a mixture of irritated and amused. But that seemed to always be my mood with Levi. Finally, I found him down on the beach. He was just standing near the water with that stupid smirk on his face.

"You know," he said as I walked to him, "I always felt like I was just spinning in circles my whole life." He looked down at the compass on my hand, willing me to look too. Once again, the needle was spinning. "That is... until I met you." Suddenly, the compass stopped, pointing directly at me. "People always say that you have to find north: that's always what will lead you to where you need to be. You follow north on a compass, you look for the Northern Star. Well, Cas, you're my north. You're the thing that's leading me in the right direction. And I guess I just want to ask you if you'll lead me to homecoming. Or better yet, will you go with me?"

°°°

I didn't realize that I still had that compass. _Why didn't I throw it out months ago?_ I guess I've always been a little too sentimental. Of course, I couldn't get rid of something so closely related to my first love. Even though that first love was cheating on me at the time he said all of those amazing things. Even though everything was a lie on his part. I guess no matter what he did and no matter how fake his feelings were, I couldn't deny that my feelings were genuine.

I wiped my face, unaware before that I'd been crying. I had to stop this. Levi was gone. I had to move on; I was never going to have anything or anyone better if I kept this up. Crying about the boy who broke my heart wasn't going to mend it.

Getting up, I gathered all the memories I'd hidden away and sealed them in a large envelope I had laying around from orientation. I labeled it only with the date, knowing that would be enough. The next time I went home, I was taking everything and finally getting peace. How? I wasn't sure yet.

●Dean●

It was finally Friday. And I thought Tuesday was going by slow. It felt like I'd waited an entire month for the past three days to pass. I just had to get through two more blocks before I was on my way to the football field. I couldn't wait to meet the new freshmen and see how we all played together.

•••

Halfway through class, Mr. Potter finished up the section we were working on and decided to give us the rest of the day off. Right after we started our projects, that is.

"I know you guys have been excited, so I think it's time to tell you who your partners are. I'll call you guys up to get your first pill. Now, these will take a day for the effects to kick in and will last for roughly three days. You'll take two pills for this project: one today and one on Monday. Today's will start working tomorrow and will last tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday. Monday's will start working on Tuesday and will last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. All effects will be out of your system by Friday." He looked around the room, just trying to drag out the suspense. "Any questions?" No one said a word. "Good. The first group is Mackenzie Smith and Willow Rikes." The way he smiled made me wonder how we were allowed to do any of this. "Camouflage and electrokinesis."

I stopped listening, only waiting to hear my name. When I did, I almost lit myself on fire.

"...Empathy and levitation; invisibility and voice manipulation." He stopped long enough for that group to get their first pills and sit down. "Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak. Strength and elemental control; weather and plant control."

I closed my eyes, calming the flames that wanted to erupt. _There goes staying away from him. Wonderful._

I stood and went to Mr. Potter's desk, right behind Castiel. He didn't look at me, only took the pill and sat back down. Once I swallowed the little green and blue capsule that was in a container with my name on it, I went back to my seat. I didn't know what I was supposed to do now.

It didn't seem like fate was on my side lately. And it was starting to look like she didn't just hate me, but she was a bitch too. A bitch with a sick and twisted sense of humor.

•••

"Alright, class. Now that you all have your partners, you two can talk about what the other should be looking out for, if you'd like. And remember, things are going to be tough for you and them. Think puberty all over again when your powers were a little less controlled. I'm sure you would all want some help." Our teacher glanced at his watch. "You guys can have the rest of the class period to yourselves. Good luck."

I decided to give this a shot and talk to Castiel. _He was going to have to put up with me for a week, right? Surely, he'd like to know what he should expect with my powers._

I picked up my things and took them to the empty seat next to the boy with the messy black hair. He was staring out the window with his head propped on his hand.

Without looking my way, he said, "I don't want to talk to you. I thought I made that clear."

"But- I know, Castiel." He tensed up when I said his name. "I just figured you would want to know about my powers."

"I think I can handle it."

"I don't know. Sometimes they can be-"

"Dean," he snapped, turning to look at me. His icy stare made my palms heat up, but it wasn't as intense as it usually was. That medication was already working pretty quickly in my system. "I don't care. I'll get through this stupid project just fine on my own. I don't need your help; you don't need mine. We can't do anything about being paired up together, but that doesn't mean we have to suddenly become best friends because of it. Nothing has changed." And just like that, he turned back to the window and resumed his staring.

_Maybe nothing has changed for you, Castiel, but I'm not the same since last week. You want nothing to do with me, but I want everything to do with you. I want to know what hurt you so badly that you're so cold and distant. I want to know why you're only like that with me. Am I ever going to figure that out?_

•••

"How'd it go today?" Jo asked me once I walked out of the bathroom that was attached to the band room, my uniform folded and tucked under my arm. I squinted at Jo; she had changed already and was wearing a pair of black shorts and an oversized shirt that looked like it came from my room.

Rather than start into why my sister couldn't wear her own shirts, I put the stack of clothes on my chair and held out my hand to create a blaze and only getting a small bud of fire. "It's weird. I can feel my powers starting to... fade, I guess. It's like they're slowly being switched off. It started with my weaker powers; I couldn't do anything with air if I tried. My water control is just about gone, and my strength is getting close to the end too. My fire isn't backing down as easily, though. That'll be the last one left."

Jo grabbed the book filled with the positions for each move of the field show and a whistle while I put my piccolo together. "Is it bad that I kind of want to see you get into a fight?"

"Jo."

"What? It would be interesting to see what you'd do without your strength."

"Probably just electrocute them."

Her eyes widened. "What? Did you get Lincoln's power?" I shook my head. "Willow?"

"Try Castiel."

Jo's jaw dropped to the floor. "You're kidding."

"Jo, does it look like I'm kidding?"

"That's fantastic. I'm pretty sure fate is saying you two just need to be together."

"Yeah," I scoffed as I pushed open the door. "Or she's just a dick."

•••

When we got to the football field, the whole band gathered around Jo's podium where she was going to conduct each show. She was sitting on the edge, swinging her legs, until everyone got there. Once it seemed like the last stragglers made it, Mr. Harrison handed her a bullhorn.

I made a face, which she responded to by sticking her tongue out at me. "I'm pretty sure I don't need this," she said into the device. "I grew up in a pretty loud house." Anyone who knew our family at all knew that she was talking about Dad and his voice projection. Or the fact that the three kids just like to yell at each other a lot. "We're going to spend about half an hour in sectionals, then we're going to start blocking out the show. Let's see how much we can get done before six. We've got two hours, guys. Let's get started."

•••

"My name is Dean Winchester, and I'm going to be your section leader this year. The fliccs have four freshmen this season, which is effectively a sixth of the class in band, but that's okay. I have a feeling you guys are going to catch on pretty quickly. Let's start with handing out music, and then we'll get to basics."

Mackenzie, the other senior in the flute/ piccolo section, handed out the music while I sent a worried glance at my sister. She was starting her rounds to all the sections, and her first stop was the fliccs. She was coming back home.


	7. Fires & Flowers

○Cas○

I went to bed angry. Angry at my section for getting nothing done at practice besides introductions. Angry at Mr. Potter for making us do this project. Angry at him for pairing me up with Dean out of the twenty-three kids I could have been put with. Angry at myself for taking that class. Angry at Dean for ever talking to me. Angry at him for sounding so much like Levi and even angrier at Levi for everything he did.

When I woke up the next morning, I realized just how bad of a decision that was.

°°°

My alarm clock dragged me from the peace I was finally getting in my sleep, another wave of anger flaring in my chest. In my haste last night, I didn't shut off the alarm. I swatted at the thin, black device in an attempt to find the off button. A sickening crunch stopped me.

I slowly sat up and turned my lamp on. Where my clock once sat was a pile of crushed plastic and metal.

"What the hell?" I mumbled. I looked at my hands, trying to make sense of everything. It didn't take long for the realization to hit me: Dean Winchester. One of his powers was strength; the other was just vaguely described as elemental control. Whatever that meant. I had a feeling this week was not going to be fun.

Since my clock was currently in pieces, I tried to check the time on my phone. That was mistake number two.

When I pressed the power button, I expected to be greeted by a picture of me and Anna. Instead, a large crack splintered up the screen, and it may have been my imagination, but it looked like the phone and its hard case were now curved inwards.

The hatred I was feeling before was replaced by many different layers of panic. I didn't want to break anything else. I was afraid that I was going to hurt someone. Could I hurt myself with Dean's powers? What else was going to happen once the rest kicked in? What was my mom going to do when she found out that I broke my phone?

Trying to calm down, knowing it would only make things worse, I decided to splash some cold water on my face after I went to the bathroom. Since the only things I had to go off of were my own family's ways of coping with powers, I was going to apply some of them. First, was cold water. That helped whenever I was affecting the weather or when the twins got bad headaches from their precognition and retrocognition. If that didn't work, my next move would be to put in my earbuds and draw the curtains closed until I fell asleep.

I went to the bathroom and gently turned the doorknob, accidently snapping it off despite my precautions. I cursed loudly, which woke Adam up. I guess that morning was the one time he wasn't going to be out early. He groaned into his pillow, and I assumed he was going back to sleep. At least, he wasn't going to see me destroy everything in our room.

After standing for who knows how long with the broken doorknob in one hand and the other pressed to my mouth, I made up my mind to bury myself in blankets until Monday morning. Or possibly Tuesday when this medication wore off.

"Castiel. I've been saying your-" Adam grunted in pain as I elbowed him in the stomach. I didn't hear him come behind me, so he scared me. I didn't mean to. I must have elbowed him pretty hard too. As he clutched his stomach, he staggered backwards. Instinctively, I tried to steady him. The minute I moved, I knew I made yet another mistake. When I touched his shoulder, a burning heat ran down my arm and into my hand. I moved just in time. As my fingers left his shoulder, they ignited into flames. I wasn't even ashamed to say that I shrieked. I just lit myself on fire, and yet all I felt was a warm tickling sensation where the flames were licking at my skin.

I backed away, retreating to my bed as Adam looked at me in horror. It seemed like neither of us knew how to react.

"What's going on, Castiel?" Adam asked me, his voice rising to hysterics. I completely forgot to tell him about the project when I got back from practice. He had no idea why I suddenly adopted his friend's powers. "Seriously, why is your hand on fire?"

I couldn't answer him. All I could focus on was the fact that my hand was still burning and how I didn't know how to stop it. And even though I didn't want to admit that I needed his help, I whispered out, "Dean."

Adam seemed to understand.

●Dean●

Something was brushing against my face when I slowly regained consciousness. My mind was foggy and pretty confused, yet I tried to push whatever was touching me away. A moment later, it was back. I shifted, only to find more soft objects rubbing against my arms and legs. My curiosity finally got the better of me, and I sat up. I honestly couldn't believe what I saw.

I was laying in a literal bed of flowers. There were patches of the tiny blue flowers that grew in clusters in our yard at the beginning of spring by my head, daisies and some red flowers by my feet, and clovers and dandelions filling the rest of my bed. They had grown perfectly around my sleeping form and left a plant-free area where I was laying. I was in awe of how oddly beautiful it was.

I was destruction with my strength and fire, but Castiel seemed to be only growth and beauty. Yes, he did spark like an exposed wire, but it was still strangely gorgeous. It was rare, and besides, a wildfire was worse than a lightning strike. Plus, if what Mr. Potter said was right, Castiel could do more with the weather than just lightning. He could bring warmth and rain. He could bring life, something I could never do.

Being extremely careful, I got up and searched for my phone on my messy nightstand. I pushed aside the alarm clock I broke on the second day of school that I had yet to do anything with. As I touched it, those bolts of lightning that escaped Castiel's hands that first day appeared from mine, yet they were more of a white color than his blue. They jumped from the tips of my fingers to electrocute the white cylinder and turn it black in some spaces. Even after I pulled back my hand, it still seemed to be buzzing. Ignoring that, I found my phone and took a picture of my bed, unable to resist. I had a feeling that I would want to keep that image for a long time.

I went about my morning like I usually would, only having trouble when the washcloth I was drying my face with was singed as well. I dropped it into the sink where the running water could put out any potential flames. Who knew if Castiel's lightning could catch anything on fire? Without my own powers, I just wanted to be cautious.

Everything was going surprisingly well, besides not being able to get rid of the flowers. Actually, things were going better than they usually did. I didn't have to worry about my strength getting out of hand while I wasn't completely awake. I didn't have to stress about setting anything on fire or a random gust of wind messing with my stuff. It was peaceful. That is, until I heard someone scream from across the hall. I stopped what I was doing, my hand hovering above the papers on my desk I was planning on straightening up. When nothing else happened, I wrote it off as someone dropping something in a nearby room and scaring themselves or a roommate messing with them. Right when I thought everything was okay, a knock came from my door.

"Adam?"

He looked very shaken. All the information clicked together when he said, "Castiel needs your help." _Of course, that scream was from him. Why did I think things would be going as great for him as they were for me?_

"Stay here," I commanded, not even bothering to let him explain what happened.

I expected the room to be a wreck. I expected things to be on fire. I didn't expect to see Castiel sitting on his bed with his hands in his lap.

I moved beside him, not getting too close in fear of what he might do. "Castiel, what happened?"

When he looked at me, his eyes looked dull and lost. He looked like he was in pain. I felt a stab in my own chest at the sight of Castiel so broken. I was the reason he was like this. Every time he was upset, it was due to something I did. "Besides breaking my alarm clock, almost crushing my phone, and snapping the handle off our bathroom door? I almost caught my roommate on fire. I- I couldn't put it out either. It just... went away after Adam left." He shook his head like he couldn't believe what he just did. I knew the feeling.

"It's okay. Just breathe." I held my hands up, palms facing him. "I'm not going to touch you because I've already electrocuted two things this morning. I don't want that third thing to be you. Listen to me. My powers work off of emotions. If you're nervous, or scared, you have a better chance of going up into flames. If you get too excited, you might freeze some nearby water, but that won't be a big deal. If you get frustrated, you might feel the air in your lungs expand or you might feel a breeze. That shouldn't be a problem either. Anger will either cause a fire or a shift in the air, sometimes it's a big shift and sometimes it's not. Thinking about happy thoughts or memories can help with those. Okay?" He nodded. "I'll be right back."

I ran over to my room to find something fireproof for him to wear. All of the clothes I kept at school would be safe; I just had to get something that would fit him. I came back to his room with a pair of sweatpants and an old T-shirt that were getting too small on me.

"Here," I said, giving him the clothes, "go put these on." Castiel looked like he was either going to start an argument or punch me. I really didn't want to see how the receiving end of my strength felt. "They're fireproof. I mean, unless you want to accidently burn off your clothes. If so, be my guest and wear what you've got on."

"Fine, I'll be back."

While he was gone, I watched my hands as they pulsed with electricity. I was as equally intrigued as I was terrified. It would be fascinating to just stare at my hands if there wasn't so much danger to them.

"I wouldn't bother trying to understand that one." I looked up to find Castiel standing in the doorway to his bathroom. Seeing him wearing my sweatpants that were too long on him and that Lord of the Rings shirt would have made my hands light up, but the twitching feeling that occompanied my new lighting was my body's only response. "Even I don't know how to control the random sparks." He sat down beside me and actually started talking. That surprised me even more than waking up surrounded by plants. "You shouldn't have to worry about them unless someone scares you, you're nervous, worked up, or if you get hurled into a wall by a dodgeball." At that, he actually smiled. "All negative emotions are little sparks; all positive are flowers. Usually."

"Usually?"

"Well, I wouldn't get too angry unless you want a hurricane coming through Glen Rock."

"What?"

"I'm kidding." _Huh. I didn't know Castiel could make a joke._ "But you might make it rain or hear some thunder. You'll be fine." He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and smirked. "Did you really electrocute something?" When I nodded, he laughed. "Sorry, it's just... I haven't done that since I was eleven. I forgot that could happen." He pointed to the nightstand I was next to. "Could you hand me my glasses? I never got the chance to put them on; I can't see anything."

I handed the black frames to him and watched him slip them on his face. I almost predicted it was going to happen before it did, yet that didn't make it any less embarrassing. My fingertips started to spark in a way that I'd never seen Castiel's before. Once again, he laughed at me, though his cheeks seemed to be tinted pink this time.

"Thank you, Dean. Now, I might be able to survive this week."

"You're welcome. If you need anything, you know where I live. Please try to not break my door, though. Those things are a little more expensive than alarm clocks."

He smiled, but it looked almost sad. Though I wanted to, I didn't ask about it, not wanting to push my luck with Castiel.

"So, how would I go about getting rid of a few hundred flowers that grew while I was sleeping?" I showed him the picture, which caused him to snort out a laugh that was really cute.

"That's never happened to me, so good luck." He shrugged. "Try happy thoughts?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. If this was the real Castiel, I definitely liked him. Every part of me wanted to spend time with this sarcastic and witty boy. "Thanks, Cas." The name just slipped out. I started panicking, though he just frowned a little and wouldn't meet my eye. "I- I mean Castiel." His frown deepened when he looked up at me. He looked... confused? "I'm going to go. Really, if you need anything, just come ask."

I got to the door and was walking out when Castiel's voice stopped me. "Dean?" I turned back to him, not knowing what to expect. "I... don't mind if you call me Cas." When he didn't say anything else, I nodded numbly and left.

Once in my own dorm, I leaned against the wall and pressed my hand to my mouth, trying to comprehend what just happened. Maybe I was reading to much into that, but it felt like things were changing.

○Cas○

"Fine, I'll be back." I gathered the fabric in my hands, but stopped on my way to the bathroom. I still wanted to splash cold water on my face, so I tried what Dean suggested and thought of some happy memories as I turned on the faucet.

I thought of all the last trip Anna and I took to the skating rink in Claydon. I was always good at rollerblading, but despite her middle name, Anna wasn't very graceful. We spent many Saturdays skating, so by the day I was thinking about, she had gotten better. School had just ended a few weeks prior, so it was a celebration type of outing.

"Cas, I know you're leaving," she told me suddenly when she stopped for a drink. "To North Dakota, right?"

I shook my head. "South Dakota. How did you know?"

"I'm not stupid."

"I know you aren't. I just didn't plan on telling you yet."

She smiled and rubbed her ankle where she was most likely developing a blister. "I don't want you to worry about me; I want you to be happy. I know you're not happy here, so go to South Dakota. If that's what it takes, go as far as you need. I'm not mad at you because I know you'll be back."

"How'd you get so smart?" I nudged her with my hand.

"I had a good teacher." Since I was accepted to Glen Rock a few months before that day, I worried about how my little sister would take the news that I was leaving. Hearing her say that she wanted me to go and be happy made all those worries go away. Anna was behind me, no matter what.

I smiled to myself when it seemed to work: the sink remained intact, and the water started flowing. Well, it did for a second before the stream froze. So, I guess I wasn't washing off my face. Giving up, I slipped into the bathroom. Since the doorknob was broken, the door opened easily yet wouldn't close. I could only hope Dean wouldn't decide to check on me. My fingers curled around the clothes in my hands, a thousand thoughts crossed my mind.

_Dean didn't have to bring me his clothes. He could have just left once he did his charity work. Huh. Charity work. It seems like every mention of Dean Winchester ends with Levi Thompson. Yet, this time, the similarities aren't so... similar. Yes, I assumed both were just being charitable with me, but it's more than that. Levi always looked at me like I was something he wanted dearly. Dean looks at me like I'm something he needs desperately. Possibly for the first time, I see that Dean and Levi... they aren't the same. And the soft material under my fingers just proves that. Dean could have left, he should have left. Hell, he shouldn't have come him the first place. And yet, he did. He came and he talked me out of my panic and brought me his fireproof clothes and is still waiting in my room for me to join him. And for what? It's not like I've ever done anything to deserve any kindness from Dean. All I've done is be an asshole towards him. He's still here, though. Why? Was Adam right when he said that Dean just wanted to make a good impression on me? Is that all he wants? Do I owe him, at least, that?_

_Yes._

I changed my clothes and pushed open the door, seeing Dean's blurry figure watching his hands. The flash of lightning told me exactly what he was looking at. "I wouldn't bother trying to understand that one."

°°°

"I... don't mind if you call me Cas." Dean just nodded. He didn't even say anything. I didn't know what I expected, but it wasn't being practically ignored. _Is this how Dean has been feeling? I can't keep doing this to him. It's wrong and selfish. But what can I do? It's probably already too late._

°°°

After cowering in fear of these new powers, I decided to try to control them. Or to get as close to that as possible.

I was sitting on the floor in front of my bed, frowning at my hands. I didn't know how to go about any of this. Perhaps I could think about the elemental aspects like my weather control. Usually, I could move the wind with just a thought and a sweep of my hand in the direction I wanted it to go. Maybe air worked the same way. I moved my hand in front of me and willed the air to blow open the pages of the notebook that was on my desk. After a few failed attempts, it worked. It actually worked!

Laughter bubbled out of my mouth. I actually did it! I spent the next couple hours seeing just how far I could stretch these powers by floating things across the room, throwing and catching objects, and blowing the broken door open and shut. Maybe things weren't going to be so bad after all.

●Dean●

 **From Adam:**  
**Can I come back or...?**

 **To Adam:**  
**Yeah but can you stop at my room first**

 **From Adam:**  
**Are you going to explain what the hell just happened?**

 **To Adam:**  
**Yes**

It didn't take long for him to show up, still looking a bit rattled.

"What the hell?" he repeated. "Why is Castiel over there breaking things and setting himself on fire?"

"Do you want the long answer or the short answer?"

"Short."

I nodded since I knew that answer already. "Well, Cas and I had to switch powers for a project."

"Switch powers? Dean, you can't just switch powers."

I pointed towards my bed that still looked like it belonged in the garden outside my window. Honestly, my room was looking more colorful than the courtyard between the girls' and boys' dorms. Then, as if my body wanted even more emphasis, sparks of lightning pulsed from my hands.

"Okay... Nevermind." Adam still looked worried, and I didn't blame him. "How long is this going to last?"

"Until Friday. My powers should be out of his system by then." He acted like he was leaving, so I added something else. "Can you keep an eye on him? Tell me if something happens?"

"Yeah, sure. Benny doesn't have messed up powers, does he?"

"No."

"Then, I'm going to spend time with him. I'll talk to you later."

After he left, I set my mind to getting rid of the flowers, something that took me almost all day to figure out.

•••

I answered the knock at my door to find Adam once again. "Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. Do you want to go see a movie tomorrow with me and Benny?"

I told him that I would and we made plans for the next day. Right after, he disappeared again so I could finish getting ready for dinner with my family. _Oh, the joys of living on campus._

•••

I got up the next morning without any plants or lightning getting in my way. I got dressed and went over to Adam's dorm, just like he told me to.

"Just come over when you get up. We'll go get Benny after," he said.

Though, when I got to his door, he wasn't the one who answered.

"Oh. Hi, Castiel."

○Cas○

I woke up to a soft knocking outside my room. Figuring Adam was already up and would answer the door, I shifted and tried to slip back into sleep. After hearing no sounds of movement followed by another set of raps on against my door, I sighed and got up. I was startled to see Dean standing in the hallway, though not as much as he was.

"Oh. Hi, Castiel," he greeted happily, yet he used my full name to my displeasure. His eyes trailed over my face that had to be red and covered in lines from where it was pressed against my pillow to my hair that I knew was even messier than usual. A light blush was dusted on his cheekbones, and his fingers twitched slightly. Any other person wouldn't pay much attention to that, yet I knew he was suppressing a surge of lightning.

For whatever reason, I couldn't control the smirk that danced on my lips. It seemed like Dean's super strength was accompanied by a boost of confidence. I leaned against the doorframe. "Hey, Dean."

"Uh... Is Adam in there?"

I shook my head and crossed my arms. "Nope. He's usually gone in the mornings. He should be back pretty soon, though. Can I take a message?"

"I was just supposed to come over so we could see a movie."

I frowned, not quite liking the feeling in my lungs. Is that what Dean was talking about when he said the air in my lungs might expand? But this feeling wasn't frustration: if I didn't know any better, I'd think it was jealousy.

I forced myself to listen to Dean as he continued speaking. "Yeah, he told me to come over once I got up so we could get Benny." And there went that pressure. The three of them were seeing a movie. "Could you tell him that I stopped by once he comes back?"

I stopped in the middle of nodding, biting my lip. "Or you could wait for him in here." I moved from my place and opened the door wider. "He shouldn't be too long."

Dean looked like he wanted to protest, an odd switch from our usual roles. "I don't want to bother-"

"Dean," he quieted at his name, "you're no bother. Come in." He followed me, though he acted a little cautious. I couldn't blame him either; everything about this week was strange. "Just... give me a minute."

Before I was going to spend an undetermined amount of time with Dean, I was going to clean myself up.

●Dean●

There were many ways I imagined myself spending my Sunday morning. None of them ended with me sitting on Castiel Novak's bed while I waited for him to come out of the bathroom, the door not completely shut. I just expected to get my friend and leave, but then Castiel came out with his sex hair and that little smirk and, well... I couldn't help it. He was wearing my clothes for God's sake! The simple fact that he wore my clothes to bed, which he must have done based on the sleepy look on his face, would have made me flustered all on its own. Then, he invited me in, and I couldn't say no.

So, there I was, waiting for Castiel in the thick silence that surrounded the room. He had only been gone for a few minutes, but I was already starting to get bored. I looked around for something to entertain me, but the only things I saw were some notebooks and textbooks on Castiel's desk and his phone, a pot that had a small flower planted in it, and a few picture frames on his nightstand. I pushed aside the cracked phone, even though I was curious as to how exactly it ended up broken and bent. Instead, I picked up the closest picture.

Castiel was wearing a teal, short sleeved button up and khaki shorts and was standing next to a shorter boy in a red and white graduation gown. I recognized him immediately as Gabriel, a friend of Blake when he was still in Glen Rock. Blake always called him the trickster of the senior class, a title he held since he transferred to Glen Rock Academy and became the Sixth Grade Trickster. I liked him and wanted to see him graduate, but after Blake and I... I couldn't face any of his friends. Who would've known that Castiel had been to South Dakota before? I just wondered why he was there. _Did Gabe and Castiel used to be a thing? Are they still together? Does that explain the happy smile on Castiel's face? But what about that Levi guy Adam mentioned?_

I put that picture back and looked at the next one that was sitting by the flowerpot. Here, Castiel was playing in the ocean with a little girl who had very red hair. Her two braids were soaked, and it looked like she was splashing Castiel with water, a huge grin with one of her teeth missing in the front. He looked even happier in this one than the last, laughter bubbling out of him as he protected his face from the water. Behind them were two boys who looked identical that were sneaking behind them with buckets of water.

The last one looked like it was a few years older, just judging by how young Castiel seemed. I'd say he was about twelve or thirteen. He had a sleeping toddler in his arms, and they both looked so peaceful. I had a feeling the baby was Castiel's younger brother, but I could've been wrong.

"That's Samandriel," a voice said, startling me so much, I almost dropped the frame. I looked up, seeing Castiel standing just a few feet away. His hair had been calmed, and he was more awake than before. "He's my youngest brother." He came and sat beside me, taking the picture from my hands. "He's six."

Castiel smiled fondly at the baby, then set his picture back on his nightstand beside the one of the beach. "Who are those?"

He smiled, though it was much sadder than the one he was wearing in the image. "My little sister, Anna; she's almost nine. The boys are Ezekiel and Gadreel."

"Are they twins?" He nodded. "And Gabriel?"

He tilted his head a little. Damn, it was cute. "You know him?"

"Not really. A friend of mine did, though." I wouldn't meet his eye, but I had to ask. "Were you and he...?"

Castiel looked confused. "Like... together?" I nodded, then he started laughing.

"What?"

"Dean, he's my _brother_. Gabriel _Novak_. Castiel _Novak_."

I suddenly felt really stupid. There had to be a blush on my face from my embarrassment. Of course, that's his brother. He wouldn't keep a framed picture of his ex by his bed. "Sorry, Blake never told me his last name."

He continued to laugh for a few more minutes before speaking. "You don't have to apologize. That's just funny."

"Obviously." But I couldn't help but smile. I didn't care that Castiel was laughing at me; it was better than when he was yelling at me. "So, are you doing okay?" I asked cautiously. "With your powers, I mean."

"With _your_ powers. Yeah, I'm doing better." He tugged on the baggy T-shirt. "I haven't caught on fire yet. I even figured out how to do a few things."

"Really?" _Huh. All I figured out how was how to get the flowers to disappear._ "Like what?"

Gently, he started moving the air in the room. Paper was flying, the bathroom door creaked open, and anything that wasn't secure started swaying. Then, it just stopped. He had a bemused grin on his face as he started lifting the discarded pages back to their places. I watched all of this and wonder.

"How...? How did you do that?" I could never get my air control down; my years of efforts only resulted in a few pathetic gusts of wind.

Castiel just shrugged like he didn't figure out how to master the one power of mine that I couldn't ever get. All in under twenty-four hours, no less. He told me shyly, "I can control the wind. I kind of just applied the same logic to air. It's basically the same thing, but now, there's more for me to do. Why?"

"I... can't do that."

"Oh." An awkward tension fell over us, making us both look away. Castiel checked the time on his phone, probably anxious for me to leave. "Adam should have been back by now. I wonder where he is."

"What happened to your phone?" That just slipped out of my mouth. _Well, Dean, that was a fantastic transition. Great job._

The boy beside me pressed his lips together, his blue eyes torn between amusement and embarrassment. "You're a lot stronger than I gave you credit for."

I smiled. "I can fix that, if you want."

"You can?"

"Mr. Harrison is used to me breaking things, so he uses his powers to mend stuff for me all the time. Plus, he owes me for filling in for last year's field commander while he had the flu."

He handed the device to me with the smile. "Thanks, Dean."

"It's no problem, Castiel," I told him as I turned his phone over a few times in my hand, noticing his case was Captain America's shield, before pocketing it.

"Dean, I was serious when I said you could call me Cas. I didn't ever mind when you did."

"It seemed like you did, though." The sad, wistful look in his eyes told me to stop pushing. Whatever his reasoning, that wasn't a safe topic for us. "But if you want me to, I will. _Cas_." He smiled, though his eyes still seemed dull and stuck in the past. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to say anything. I wanted to say that I understood what it was like to want to bury your history behind you. I wanted to let him know that he wasn't alone. But I didn't have a chance because once I open my mouth, Adam walked through the door, Benny close behind.

○Cas○

Dean wanted to say something, but Adam stopped him. Another boy was following him; they'd been talking but were silenced at the sight of Dean in my room.

My roommate paused, obviously confused. "Castiel, this is Benny. Benny, Castiel." The other boy, Benny, gave me this little half-wave, half-salute, and I smiled. "Dean," Adam acknowledged before leaving the three of us to take a shower.

"It's nice to meet you, Castiel," Benny said, making himself at home on Adam's bed. "I've heard a lot about you."

Dean's hands twitched where they were resting on his knees, tiny, white bolts of lightning sparkling on his fingertips. Benny seemed confused for a second, but realization lit up his face once I moved. The broken bathroom door started to drift open, so I motioned for the air to return it to its position. The dark hair boy across the room made a noise and muttered something that sounded like, " _Interesting_ ". He and Dean talked until Adam came out of the bathroom, and they started to file out of the dorm.

"See you later, Castiel," Adam said. I nodded.

Benny was next, "Nice meeting you."

"You too."

Dean, though, hovered at the door. "I'll bring your phone back tonight. Okay?"

"Okay, sounds good."

He lingered a few more seconds. "Bye, Cas."

"Bye, Dean." And then, he was hurrying to catch up with his friends.


	8. Weather & Water

●Dean●

It was strange to be on good terms with Cas. There wasn't a single moment that was tense between us. Yes, we had plenty of _awkward_ moments, but Cas and I were getting along. It was even weirder to call him _Cas_ again. It wasn't a bad thing, though. I genuinely liked calling him by his nickname; it felt more personal than _Castiel_. But neither of those things really caught me off guard on Monday. What did were the shy smiles he would give me when he caught me looking at him. Which was quite often. My eyes couldn't help but linger over him every time I looked around the room. _Every. Single. Time._ Honestly, I did it so much, it was embarrassing. He didn't seem to mind somehow; he would simply smile and look away. That tiny action made me repeat the process all over again. I wasn't sure what happened on Saturday, but something changed in Cas that day. Something changed with _us_. I couldn't describe any of it, but I knew things were different now. It was like we just hit a milestone in our lives, but we couldn't see it yet. It was like we were at a turning point, and things were about to change in a big way. I was waiting, and I was ready.

•••

"Dude, you can stop making the lovesick eyes. He's gone." I rolled my eyes at Benny, but my dopey grin wouldn't fade. "What even happened with him? One second, he hated you; the next, you two are alone in his dorm. All you would say that it was a long story."

"I don't know, Benny. I gave him some clothes that are fireproof, and he went to change. When it came back, he was like a different person. And I swear, Benny," I told him, "it felt like everything just clicked in that moment. It felt like we were trying to fit the right puzzle pieces together, but they were the wrong sides. They finally snapped together on Saturday."

"You've got it bad, don't you?"

"The worst."

○Cas○

"Is Charlie meeting us for lunch?" I asked Kevin when the bells rang.

"Yeah," he responded absently. "I think Dorothy is coming too."

"Really?" I hadn't seen Charlie's girlfriend since I first met her at the café on the second day of school. She was always working on assignments for class or dragging Charlie off to do who knows what. It would be nice for the four of us to get together again.

Kevin and I walked down the electives wing and through the commons to the cafeteria behind the school. We lapsed into the silence that was common for the two of us. Our friendship had many moments where no words were shared, replaced by a comfortable quiet. Yet that quiet bubble was burst the moment we reached our usual table.

"Cas! Kevin!" Before I could register Charlie's voice, her arms were around my neck. When I regained my senses, she released me and hugged Kevin. I would never understand Charlie's undying energy and enthusiasm, but it was nice to be around every day. Dorothy was still seated, completely focused on braiding her hair. When she finished, she looked up and smiled at me. I waved and sat beside her at the small, round table. Charlie took her spot at Dorothy's left, Kevin between me and our redhead friend. They continued to chat, so I decided to talk to Dorothy, even though I didn't know much about her.

"How are you?" I asked quite lamely.

"Not bad," she replied, leaning on her hand. "Exhausted. Missing home."

"So, it's not just me," I laughed.

She smiled at that, seeming to warm up to me  "Where are you from?"

"California."

"Jeez, that's a big adjustment."

I nodded. "So much is different, but not really in a bad way." Thinking about it, everything was so much better. I had some pretty close friends, a nice roommate that I got along with, and... well, Dean. Whatever was there with us, and there _was_ something there, I knew it was a good thing. Whatever that spark was between us it was better than anything I had ever had before. It was strange because everything felt _right_ this weekend when I was with Dean. And I couldn't figure out why until I was laying in bed last night when everything made sense. Every time my powers started to react to him, every time I was reminded of Levi, every time I pushed Dean away... I was starting to develop feelings for Dean Winchester. Somehow, that didn't scare me as much as I thought it would.

●Dean●

I managed to avoid most of Benny's comments and questions about Cas during second block, and I thought I would get rid of him for the rest of the day. No such luck. He decided today was going to be the one day he was going to eat lunch with me and Jo in the band room while we worked on things for this season. Why did I think things would go well now? I couldn't have a chance with Cas and peace from Benny at the same time. I guess if I had to choose, I could live with the intrusions.

"Jo," I shouted when I opened the door, seeing her right as her name left my mouth.

"Benny? What are you doing here?" She asked, glancing up from her folder and papers.

"Trying to get your brother to open up about his new _boyfriend_."

Jo immediately perked up, dropping her pencil. " _What?_ Are you dating Cas?"

"No," I said quickly. "He just smiled at me when we made eye contact, like, twice."

Benny snorted. "Dean, it was more than twice; you couldn't keep your eyes off him all class. I'm surprised you didn't run into the wall or put your pants on backwards or something."

"Shut up."

Jo spun herself in her chair to face us, pushing aside her work on the stand. "So, are you two okay now? What, does he _not_ hate you now?"

"It's a long story," I tried.

"You've got forty minutes."

_Great. Just great. I'm going to kill Benny. I hope Meg wasn't planning on going to homecoming with him._

○Cas○

I was sitting in Anatomy, almost tuning Mr. Johnson out, when I suddenly got very uncomfortable. The room was really warm and stuffy; my sweater was clinging to my skin so badly, it was suffocating. My skin felt hot and prickly. The only explanation I could think of was that Dean's fire power was about to act out again. In the moments following that thought, I had a few realizations: I could burst into flames at any second, Adam told me that Dean once burned all of his clothes off, I wasn't wearing fireproof clothing, and class still had half an hour left. Trying to avoid having my clothes reduced to a pile of ash, I tried the happy thoughts method.

°°°

Last year when we were all home for Christmas break, Mom and Dad took our younger siblings to the ice rink while Michael, Luce, Gabe, and I were left to clean up from breakfast and finish wrapping presents. We divided the labor, so the two oldest were upstairs with the gifts that were hidden quite poorly in our parents' closet while Gabe and I washed dishes. We decided to pass the time by shuffling through the songs on my phone. It started off with us quietly humming along to Imagine Dragons and twenty one pilots, but soon escalated into us singing Elphaba and Glinda's duet from Wicked at the top of our lungs. We were finishing up the last of the silverware when our brothers came down to see why we were screaming. That didn't end well, as the next song that came on was My Shot from a new musical that had recently come out called Hamilton. I'd been blasting the soundtrack so much, all four of us knew every word to the song. I was singing Hamilton's part, Gabe had Laurens, Michael took Mulligan, and Luce was doing a very terrible French accent for Lafayette. We all were laughing, mostly at Luce, and singing and sliding around the kitchen in our socks. And once that song was over, we let the rest of my albums play through, our chores forgotten. It was honestly the best day I'd ever spent with all three of my older brothers. And that was probably the first time I'd smiled so much since that summer.

°°°

I shuffled through more of my good memories until class was over. I'd never walked so quickly in life, but I was racing to get to my dorm. I ignored the fact that I had band practice and just went home. It was horrible for me to skip the second practice, but I couldn't do anything else. Was I expected to burn on the field? I didn't want to have to answer any more questions about my why I could suddenly catch on fire. Rather, I changed into Dean's clothes and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders before I sat on my bed. The heat bubbling under my skin was starting to dull, settling into a slightly annoying warmth. I couldn't tell if the blanket was helping or hurting, but I liked the comfort it gave me.

Almost an hour later, I felt normal again. Nothing had happened, but I was still on edge. I didn't like the helpless feeling I had in Anatomy. What if this happened earlier in the day or before I left my room? Would I have not listened to a word my teachers said for the rest of the day? Would I have not even gone to school? I had to do something about this. The last time I wanted to control one of Dean's powers, I found out that I could do things that he couldn't even do. Maybe I could figure out how to keep his fire control in check. So, that thought led me to do something I was always told not to do: I started playing with fire.

It took me a surprisingly long amount of time to actually create a flicker in the palm of my hand. Once I did, it only lasted a few seconds. I huffed out a short breath. I should've known that I wouldn't be lucky enough to figure out two of Dean's powers that quickly. But I wanted to be comfortable sitting in class tomorrow; I couldn't do that if I didn't get a grasp on this fire control. So, I tried again. I didn't have a clue on how to summon a fire, but I took a stab at it. Happy memories weren't going to work, and I didn't want to risk thinking of something that made me angry. If I did, I might lose control, what little I had. Instead, I tried what I did before and simply willed my hand to ignite. Well, it worked with air, didn't it?

I imagined a match striking against my skin and a large fireplace burning. Not to my surprise, it didn't work. But what kind of person would I have been if I gave up so soon?

After almost a dozen attempts, I could sustain the flame for a few minutes. The next little experiment would be to see if I could put it out on command. Though, before I could try, it snuffed itself out. _Oh, this is going to take forever._

●Dean●

"Can you get a head count of everyone during sectionals, while I talk to Mr. Harrison?"

I sighed. "Jo, you do realize that I have things I need to do, right?"

"The fliccs are ahead of everyone else so far. You all already have your eight to five and your sixteen to five down. Mackenzie can review that and start on turns while you're doing this. Please, Dean."

"Fine." I started with my own section that was on the ten yard line and told Mackenzie what I was doing. She didn't complain or resist, only nodded and began lining people up to march eight to five. All of our section was there, so I went to the trumpets a little further down.

"Charlie," I greeted, tapping on her shoulder, "do you have anyone missing?"

She scanned over everyone, her brows furrowed as she counted. "Nope. Did Jo rope you into this?"

"Of course, she did. I've got a soft spot for my sister."

Charlie smiled, but started yelling at a freshman named Antonio the second I turned my back. I had to hold in my laughter when I saw what he was doing: the kid was taking every removable part off of another person's trumpet. Poor Charlie had her work cut out for her.

I followed the same pattern with the next few sections: the clarinets, the guard, and the low brass who had taken the entire center of the field. So far, not a single student was missing. I was pretty proud of us. Next was the alto and mellophone section. I would've been lying if I said I didn't try to find Cas as soon as they were in sight. I didn't, though. I walked up to Kevin, the junior who was section leader this year, and asked the same question I'd repeated multiple times by then.

"Uh, just Cas. I don't know where he is; the last time I saw him was at lunch." I tried to hide how worried I was. I just saw Cas in fourth block, and he didn't seem like the kind of person who would skip practice for no reason. I just had to hope he was alright.

"Okay, thanks," I said, moving on to the drumline, my last stop.

I went back to Jo who was sitting on her podium on the fifty yard line and told her that the only person who wasn't here was Cas. She looked a little surprised, but shrugged it off. "I'll have Kevin write his moves in for him. At least it's just one person."

"Are we staying until seven tonight?"

"Yeah. I want to get through Mr. Roboto and at least half of Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap."

"Great."

•••

"Okay, everyone. Let's take a break," I told my section, in need of one myself.

Mackenzie stayed beside me rather than getting a water from the coolers on the side of the field. "We got a good group this year."

"They're quick learners," I agreed.

"Some seniors leave worrying about their section, but we're not going to have that problem." I didn't answer her, crossing my arms and watching as groups of students marched up portions of the field before turning and returning to their original spots. "You seem out of it today. Is everything alright?"

"Of course. I'm just thinking about the show," I lied. Really, I was thinking about Cas. He seemed fine during _Paratas_ ; hell, he even started up a conversation with me after we paired up and took our second pill. But now that I thought about it, he looked tense and jumpy at the end of the day. I didn't like feeling like this. I wanted to know that Cas was okay, and being in the dark was killing me.

"You're not worried, are you?"

"No." My hands sparked, and Mackenzie's eyes caught the burst of light. She wanted to ask about it, but she didn't. I couldn't describe her expression, but whatever was going on in her head made her drop the subject. Thankfully, the girls came back from their break, and we started again. I didn't have answers for myself, nevermind Mackenzie. So, while I couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on with Cas or my personal life, I could focus on band. These freshmen weren't going to learn to march backwards by themselves.

•••

"Why don't you come to dinner tonight?"

"Jo, I'm tired. I'm just going to get something at the cafeteria and go back to the dorms."

She rolled her eyes and moved to the chair next to mine, perching on the back of it. "If you want Mom to send over food, just ask."

I looked up at her, closing my piccolo case. "What makes you say that I want Mom to make me dinner?"

"You only say you're getting food at the cafeteria if you want whatever we're having. I don't know why you don't just move back in."

"You know exactly why, Jo. You know better than anyone else."

Jo sighed but touched my shoulder gently. "I know you're afraid to hurt all of us, but you won't. You're not John, Dean. You think that you're protecting us by staying away, but you don't need to. We miss you. Mom and Dad might not say it, but I will. You need to stop keeping people at arm's length. It hurts more than you think."

"Jo," Mr. Harrison called as he walked into the room, "get off the chair like that."

She stood up and pursed her lips. "I'm just saying, Dean, John Winchester may be your father, but you're not going to end up like him. He made his choices; don't let them affect yours."

○Cas○

I slept in Monday morning. Adam tried to get me up, but the warmth that my own body was creating was too comforting for me to resist staying longer. I could definitely get used to this part of Dean's powers. By the time I pulled myself out of bed and got dressed, I had fifteen minutes until the bells rang. I really needed to stop doing that. That should've been enough time, but something made me late. Or someone.

My heart almost jumped out of my chest when that someone said my name as I was locking my door. I turned to find Dean, which didn't surprise me. Who else would I happen to run into?

"Hi, Dean."

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking a bit worried.

"Um, yeah. I just overslept a little."

He shuffled between his feet before falling into step with me. "I meant about yesterday. You weren't at practice, right?" His expression gave it away that he knew for a fact that I wasn't there the day before.

"Oh. I wasn't feeling so great." I was embarrassed that I had to come back to my room, even though Dean would be the one person who understood. His eyes were asking me to keep talking, so that's what I did. "My uniforms aren't fireproof; I didn't want to risk it."

It was Dean's turn to be embarrassed. "Is everything alright now?" I nodded. "Do you want me to bring over something of mine tomorrow?"

I laughed, shaking my head. "Dean, you're, like, five inches taller than me. I appreciate it, but I don't think the school would want me wearing a uniform that doesn't fit me. Besides, I've got it under control."

"What?"

I held out my hand, letting a flame erupt to life. The little blaze flickered for a second, the center glowing a hot blue, before I extinguished it by closing my hand.

"Listen, Cas," Dean said, his voice teasing, "you're making me look bad. You've got everything figured out, and I haven't even tried. You're going to get the highest score for this project for sure." That last part was so sincere, it made my heart flutter.

"I think I'm going to need it. I'm not very good at history, so that part of the class is lost on me. I don't know what it is about them, but I'm not good with dates."

His lips parted like he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself that made me curious. What did Dean think he couldn't say to me? We had just reached where the sidewalk split when the bells rang from the main building. I cursed under my breath. We were almost in the gym. As we followed the path behind the school, Dean laughed at my panic. "Don't worry, Cas. Dad won't care that we're late. If he does, I'll tell him I was why."

"Dad?" I asked.

"Coach Singer," he gave as an explanation. Of course, that made sense. I'd forgotten that Dean lived with him. I didn't know what I was expecting, but I didn't know he called him _Dad_.

I tried to open the double door slowly and quietly, but a few people still watched us as we went into the locker room to change. Unfortunately, one of those people was Charlie. She smirk to me and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. I ducked my head and went straight to my locker. The next few minutes consisted of me changing even quicker than I did this morning, only to turn to see Dean in just a pair of basketball shorts. My breath hitched, and I tried to keep my eyes off of him, only failing a little bit. It occurred to me that I was being incredibly hypocritical, but things were a little different now. Dean and I weren't total strangers, and I only stole a few glances at him. What could I say? The boy had a nice body. I didn't want to let either of us make the situation even worse, so I left quickly.

"What was up with that?" Charlie asked me when I walked back to her. She was clearly enjoying every second of this. "Why are you blushing?"

"Shut up."

"Mhm."

●Dean●

It was a long day. Adam and Benny teased me about showing up late with Cas all of first block. I heard just about every suggestive comment and dirty joke that the school had every come up with, and they would just start laughing every time they looked at me. They wouldn't listen when I said that all of it was just a coincidence. I just so happened to be late the same day that he was. We just so happened to come out of our rooms at the same time. We just so happened to walk together. Okay, I could see where they were coming from. I would've been okay if it was just first block, but I had second with Benny too. Then, he came to eat lunch with me and Jo and got her to join in with the mockery.

At least, I had a break from them during the second half of the day. I could just relax and enjoy _Paratas_ as we talked about the creation of our dimensional cities and towns. Yes, the information might have been a little old, but we were going more in depth than any other class I'd taken on the subject. After Mr. Potter's lecture, he let us get into our partners and talk, which I was happy about. Then, I spent the majority of Anatomy glancing at Cas while he took notes from Mr. Johnson's powerpoint. I had my own notes to work on, but the way Cas's eyebrows bunched together and the way his tongue poked out of his lips while he wrote was much more captivating than anything Mr. Johnson could've said. Jordyn was making fun of me, either because of the staring or whatever was passing through my subconscious. But I didn't really care. I'd fallen for Cas and all the teasing was worth it if it meant that I could be happy.

•••

Benny and a few other guys were already at the field when I got there. He made a face at me that I couldn't interpret as I went into the locker room that was only used by the football players. Dad walked up to me before I hit the turf and clapped me on the shoulder. "Glad you made it on time, son. Wouldn't want to miss the first practice."

"Sorry, Dad. It was an accident. And it's my fault Cas was late too," I added, hoping to take the fall for the blue eyed boy.

He held up his hand to stop me. "I don't want to know, Dean. Let's just not make a habit of it."

I couldn't fight the blush that was rising to my cheeks. Who knows what he thought Cas and I were doing? He always told me that there wasn't much that I could do that he hadn't done in high school and college. I never asked and I never would. I didn't want to learn what kind of things my dad did when he was my age. I was sure they could rival my band practices, Netflix binges, and that one walk with Cas. Plus, I didn't want to be scarred for the rest of existence.

"Of course, sir."

Dad rolled his eyes. He never liked me calling him that, but sometimes it slipped out. John only wanted me to refer to him as _sir_ , so that's what I called Bobby for months after he took us in. He preferred _Dad_ and so did I. "Go talk to Lafitte before he decides to climb up a flag pole or something and I make you both do laps. Honestly, that kid has no impulse control," he muttered at the end.

I chuckled to myself, jogging over to my friend who looked like he was about to do something stupid. _Like usual._


	9. Tutors & Turnarounds

○Cas○

I hugged my arms to my chest, trying not to shiver. The second pill was starting to wear off, and the first thing that went was the heat that had been keeping me warm all week. I almost forgot how cold South Dakota was. When I got dressed this morning, I only wore my dress shirt; I was regretting it, too.

It was hard to push aside those thoughts, but I tried to. I couldn't understand history as it was; I couldn't risk zoning out in this class. In the end, I couldn't focus, so nothing Mr. Potter said made sense to me. When the period was almost over, he passed out graded papers: two quizzes, a chapter test, and two pages of notes. My notes were good, but my other grades were... not so great. I sighed, but it turned into a shudder.

I had to do something about my grades; at this rate, I wasn't going to keep my straight As that I'd maintained through high school. Even if the class was weighted, I didn't want my grade to drop because I couldn't comprehend what Mr. Potter was teaching. There had to be something I could do to get it all to click. That's why I stayed seated after the bells rang and waited until everyone had left the classroom.

"Mr. Potter," I started as I neared his desk.

The teacher looked up, setting down his pen and offering me a smile. "Castiel, what can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to talk to you about my grades. I'm kind of worried because I can't seem to understand any of the lessons. I know things will only get harder from here, so I was wondering what you think I could do."

"Well, he said, running a hand through his light hair, "I could always give you extra material to go over, but I don't think that's the best route. Have you ever thought about being tutored?"

"Tutored?" I was already not liking this. It was bad enough that I was doing horrible in _Paratas_ ; I didn't want my classmates knowing about it.

Mr. Potter nodded. "Yes. Now, I could do it after school, but if you're having trouble with how everything is being presented, another student helping you might be the way to go."

"Would that be best?" I asked hesitantly _. Oh, please say no. Please change your mind. I don't want someone my age, probably younger than me, to talk to me like I'm stupid because I can't remember dates or timelines._

"I think so, yes. Are you busy tomorrow? I might be able to talk to someone today in my next class."

"No, I'm not doing anything." I only had band practices Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; my Saturdays were clear.

"Does noon sound good?" I nodded. "Great. I'll talk to one of my AP students, and I'll have them meet you in the library at noon tomorrow."

"Thank you, Mr. Potter."

"I'm glad you're watching out for your grades. I wish more kids were like you, Castiel."

I finally left, not feeling much better than before, and went to fourth block. At least this subject I understood.

●Dean●

I always heard that high school was supposed to fly by. I thought senior year was the one that would go so quickly, I could blink and it would be over. Yes, I could remember my first day of freshman year like it was yesterday, and it seemed like the past years have been a blur. But sitting here, waiting for the day to be over, it didn't feel like it. I was struggling to stay awake, only doing so by watching the second hand tick away on the clock above the whiteboard. Excruciatingly slowly, mind you. So, when the phone rang and Mr. Johnson stopped to answer it, I couldn't be happier. I hadn't listened to a thing he had said since I walked in the door. It's not that I meant to; I just didn't like Anatomy. I would tune the teacher out and skip ahead in our notes, filling in whatever else he added on the whiteboard.

"Dean Winchester," he called, one hand over the microphone. I walked to the front of the room, the whole class's eyes on me. "You're wanted upstairs. Room 224."

That was Mr. Potter's room. What could he have wanted? "Do I need to take my things?"

He pursed his lips, obviously not knowing much more than I did. "You should go ahead and bring them. There won't be any homework tonight. Have a nice weekend."

"You too."

I went back to my seat, gathered my books, and left for the history wing. No one seemed to stop watching me until the door was shut. The lack of entertainment in this school was astounding.

Once I got to the _Paratas_ classroom, I knocked on the door. There wasn't an answer at first, but before I could raise my hand to knock again, someone opened it. It was a junior from the football team, Thomas, one of the guys who wouldn't talk to me. I don't know if it was because he was afraid I would hurt him or afraid that I would hit on him, but I never lost sleep because of Thomas. I stopped caring about people like him long ago.

"Dean!"

"Mr. Potter," I replied, sounding like a question. "Did you need to see me?"

"Yes. Are you busy tomorrow?"

Okay, now I was confused. "...Uh. I have football at three. Other than that, no. Why?" This was a weird conversation. I tried to think of any way that it wasn't, but my brain couldn't come up with a single one.

"I have a student who needs a tutor, and I was wondering if you would be interested. I could offer extra credit, and it could go towards community service, if you'd like." Okay, that made this conversation more normal.

"That's fine. When and where? Also, who is it that I'm tutoring?" I had quite a few questions, but those were at the top of my list.

"Noon in the library tomorrow. And it's Castiel Novak."

"Cas- Castiel Novak?" I sputtered.

"Yes. I felt like he would be more comfortable with someone he knew, and you two worked well together on the project this week. Actually, you two did the best out of my two AP classes; I was pleasantly surprised."

I nodded. "O-okay. Yeah. Noon at the library. I'll be there."

"Thank you, Dean."

"My pleasure."

Maybe things weren't as bad as I thought. Maybe this was how our fate was supposed to play out all along.

○Cas○

I almost talked myself out of going to the library a dozen times in the hours leading up to my tutoring session. I tried to tell myself that I could figure things out by myself; I was a smart kid, and I could do it. I tried to say that things would get easier. I tried to believe that I just had to get used to Mr. Potter and the way he taught. I tried so many things, but in the end, logical side won out. That's why I was on my way to the front of campus, despite my wishes.

I shrunk into my hoodie as I reached the general admissions building, wanting to be back in my room. However, I pressed on, pushing the door open and turning right into the large library. I stopped at the desk and waited for the woman to acknowledge me.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm meeting with a tutor today. Where would I find them?"

"Are you Castiel?"

"Yes."

She pointed to the back of the building. "He's at the tables by the nonfiction section. Straight back to the windows."

"Thank you." I moved away from the chatter coming from the children's section, wondering why the high school didn't have its own library. The further I got into the building, the fewer people I saw and the quieter it got. Eventually, it seemed like I was the only one there. By the time I slipped out of the shelves and saw a figure with their back to me, I couldn't hear any noise anymore. The boy had a red and white varsity jacket on, a dozen tiny freckles peaking over the striped collar. When he shifted, I could see the name stitched in white across his shoulders: **WINCHESTER**. "Dean?" He jumped and spun around, dropping whatever he was holding in the process. "What are you doing here?"

He frowned. "Mr. Potter asked me to meet you here.... Did he not tell you that?"

"I didn't know he asked _you_ ," I said pointedly, sitting next to him and putting my book down. How many clichés could the two of us go through? First, the project; now, tutoring.

"You know, when you said you were bad at history, I thought you were joking."

I blushed, turning away from him. "Let's just get this over with."

Dean leaned in, touching my arm right above my wrist. A current of electricity pulsed under my skin at the contact, making me shudder. "Hey, it's not a bad thing. That's what I'm here to help with; we're going to get through this together. And anyways, someone is always weak at something. You don't have to be embarrassed about it."

"Oh, really? Then, what are you bad at?"

"Theater, hockey, art, percussion, human interaction," he listed off. " _Knitting?_ "

That made me laugh until I noticed he was still touching my arm. He also saw this, so he pulled away quickly. "Do you want to get started?"

"Yeah."

°°°

It didn't feel like a long time had passed, yet before I knew it, it was two o'clock. We'd covered a good bit of information, and everything was starting to make sense. Dean worded things in a way that Mr. Potter didn't, a way that was easy to comprehend. He gave me tricks to remember the dates I couldn't keep straight, and any time there was something I didn't get, Dean would stop and explain it patiently until I understood. I was still behind the rest of the class, but at least I was catching up.

"I hate to skip out on you, but I've got to get to practice soon."

I nodded and closed my book. "Alright. So... What now?"

"What do you mean?" Dean asked, shrugging on the jacket he discarded earlier.

"Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd do this again. It really helped," I told him sheepishly. I looked down at my hands that were folded in my lap.

"Good, good. Yeah, I can do it. Saturday probably isn't the best day, though. I've got football every weekend; besides, I don't want to take up your Saturday. I'm sure you've got better things to do."

"Not really," I laughed.

"How about one day after band? That way, we'll both be on the same schedule. If one of us has to stay late for practice, we both have to."

"Mondays are bad: everything is horrible that day. Fridays are out too. There are much better ways you can spend your Fridays," I said, mimicking his words a moment before. "Wednesday?"

"That sounds perfect. Wednesdays it is." Dean stood and touched my shoulder. "I'll see you around, Cas."

"Bye, Dean." Even after his touch was, I could still feel that warmth on my skin. I crossed my arms on the table, my face pressed into the dark fabric of my hoodie. I couldn't keep the smile off my face or the blush from my cheeks. I silently thanked Mr. Potter for making Dean tutor me and thanked God that I was horrible at history. Cliché or not, I'd never been happier.


	10. Picnics & Pianos

●Dean●

I leaned across the table to whisper to Jo, not wanting Mr. Harrison to hear. It took her a moment to realize I was staring intently at her, but she put her fork down once she saw me, salad still on the prongs. Jo rested her chin on her hand, obviously waiting for me to begin.

"I need a favor."

•••

Someone touched my shoulder, and I flinched. "Dude, what's up with you?" Benny asked. "You've been jumpy all day. And really quiet too. I think the only thing you've said to me that was longer than a sentence was when you told me that you needed to talk to Jo alone at lunch today. Are you okay?"

"Of course. I'm fine."

" _Yeah, sure,_ " he said sarcasticly, not believing a word that came out of my mouth. But I had bigger things on my mind; I couldn't worry about Benny thinking I was too quiet today. He'd find out eventually, just... not yet. I loved my friend, but he couldn't keep a secret to save his life.

"Alrighty, guys," Jo shouted through the bullhorn. "If you don't mind, we're going to be staying a little later tonight. I can't make it on Friday, so we're making it up today. Seven, eight at the latest. And if you do mind... well, take it up with Mr. Harrison." My sister caught my eye and winked at me. That relieved me a little, but not much. These nerves had been building up all week, and only one thing was going to help. Only one thing was going to make me calm down. Until then, I had to watch myself so I didn't catch on fire. _Just a few more hours, Dean_ , I told myself. _Just a few more._

•••

My gaze scanned across the room, looking for a pair of stunning blue eyes. Not finding them or their owner anywhere, I returned to putting away my piccolo. I stood up, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw someone walking to me. _Benny was right: I am jumpy today._

"Hey, Cas," I somehow managed not to stammer.

"Hi. Are we still on for tonight?" he asked so calmly.

"Of course. I told you that I'd help you out, didn't I?"

"Well, it's kinda late, so I didn't know if-"

"Cas," I interrupted, "it's not even eight."

He laughed, mostly to himself. "You're right. I'm not going to change, so let me put my saxophone up, and then we can go."

I nodded and let him leave, watching him in a lovestruck kind of way. How did I end up here? How did I become the type of person who'd fawn over a guy and everything he does? How did I become the person who didn't care? How did I fall so hard so fast? I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and texted Adam and Benny two identical messages before Cas got back to me. "Ready?" I asked him with a smile, returning my phone to its original location.

"Yeah, but where are we heading? I just realized that we didn't talk about it."

I paused, pretending to mull it over. "Well, the library should be closing around nine tonight, so we won't have much time to do anything if we go there. Benny is supposed to be at your dorm with Adam right now. I don't know what they're doing, but that's not a good place either. My dorm will be quiet; I don't have a roommate. I mean, if you want to go there."

Cas's face paled. "S- sure. That's fine."

We started walking to the door, and I held it open for him as I sent a grateful smile over his head to my sister who was watching us. "So, how have you been doing? We haven't talked much since Saturday."

"I'm good. Not much has happened. What about you?" He sounded almost bored. I couldn't blame him; this conversation wasn't the most intriguing one we'd had.

"I'm great. I feel like this week is going to get a lot better." Cas giggled beside me, and my heart melted. "Don't make fun of me. I can't help it that I'm not a pessimist like you."

He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. It looked like he was trying to suppress his smirk. And, damn, I fell a little further. We started talking after that, getting over our initial awkwardness. It felt nice to spend time with him, even if it was just until we got back to my room. I loved seeing this side of Cas, this loud and snarky guy who wasn't afraid to make fun of me or put me in my place. But I also loved the pink that would tint his cheeks right after, like he was embarrassed to open up even a little. I swore in that moment, that I was going to do whatever I could to make him comfortable with me. I was going to know a Cas that wasn't afraid to be himself. I was going to see that smirk and hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice more often. I was going to get to know the real Castiel Novak.

•••

Cas was laying on his stomach, his legs crossed at his ankles. He was carefully reading over the last page of the chapter we were working on. I couldn't help but smile at him; his brows were knitted together in concentration, his lips pressed into a thin line. His eyes lifted to my face, the blue shining from between his lashes.

"Why are you staring at me?" He didn't say it with any malice, only curiosity.

"I'm thinking," I replied. That seemed to appease him, so I waited until he finished before I spoke again. "Can I be honest with you?"

"Yes..." Cas sounded concerned. He sat up and slid closer to me.

"I've been thinking a lot, and I just wanted to ask you something. Er, actually, a few things."

"Okay, go ahead."

○Cas○

"Well... I was just wondering if you were doing anything Friday. Maybe we could do something after school since we don't have practice."

I wanted to point out that neither of those sentences were a question, but I didn't. "Like?" Did Dean Winchester want to go on a date with me? Was that what he was trying to say? I didn't want to outright ask, so I decided to let him interpret that how he liked.

"I don't know. Would you want to do something specific?"

Well, that didn't answer the question I really wanted, but I guess that worked. I didn't know how I felt about going on a date with him; spending time with him wasn't bad, though. "It doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine, just tell me a time and place." I picked up a pen from our scattered materials on the floor and grabbed his wrist. "Here," I said, scribbling my phone number on the back of his hand. "Just text me, and we'll figure it out." He nodded, seemingly awestruck, yet I didn't know why. Did he think I was going to reject him? Was he just surprised that I gave him my number?

"I think this is a good place to stop, don't you?" I said, trying to fill the silence. "I'm getting tired, so I'm going to head back to my room." I stood, and Dean scrambled to his feet as well, beating me to the door. To my surprise, he opened it for me, giving me a sheepish grin. "Thanks for everything, Dean."

"It's my pleasure. Goodnight, Cas."

"Goodnight."

●Dean●

I closed the door, sighing to myself. _Did I really just do that? Did Cas really just say yes? Did he really just give me his phone number?_ Feeling extremely proud of myself, I created a new contact under his name. I got undressed quickly, falling asleep with a smile on my face moments later in just the undershirt I wore today and my boxers. That was the best night's sleep I'd had in months.

•••

"What's written on your hand?" Benny asked during second block. He was leaned across the aisle between our desks and was squinting at me, trying to read the ten digits in the faded ink.

"Just Cas's number." I tried to play it off like it was nothing, but I was sure my blush gave me away.

"So, I'm guessing last night went pretty well. I mean, it better have. You only made Jo change the plans for seventy-nine people and made me go to Adam's last night just so you could ask this boy out. I hope he said yes."

"He did. We're on for this Friday."

Benny shook his head. "You bastard. I'll never understand how you do it."

My eyes darted to Meg, who was actually paying attention to Balthazar rather than us, and back to my friend. "Just ask her out already."

"Why don't you worry about your own relationship?"

"Like you can talk," I scoffed.

"Mr. Winchester? Mr. Lafitte?" We immediately stopped talking, knowing that Balthazar only used our last names if he was being serious. "Thank you."

" _Later_ ," Benny mouthed. I nodded. I wasn't done with this topic either.

•••

After class, Jo and I decided to eat in the cafeteria instead of the band room. When we got to our usual table, Benny, Adam, and Meg were already there; Zayn joined us a few minutes later.

Meg smiled at me. "I heard you have some good news, Winchester."

"How'd you find out?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not deaf. I'm pretty sure everyone in second block knows, including Balthazar."

Adam was sitting directly across from me and leaned over his lunch. "I didn't think you were going to do it, to be honest. I could hear you from across the hall last night, and I thought you were going to chicken out." He sat back in his chair. "But at least Castiel was pretty excited. Usually, his thoughts are pretty quiet, and I can ignore them, but not last night. It felt like he was screaming. Why are you two both so loud?" He frowned. "Okay, that sounded a lot more suggestive than it was supposed to be, but you know what I meant."

We started laughing. Jo took her hand from Zayn's and touched my arm. "So, what do you have planned?"

"I- I haven't really thought it out."

Meg smirked and propped her elbow on the table. "Well, sweetheart, you better figure it out quickly. You didn't give yourself much time for this."

"I know, I know. I'll find something to do, don't worry. Why are you guys so worried about this anyways?"

"Because," Zayn said, "this is the most interesting thing that's happened since school started."

The four others at the table muttered in agreement. At least they were being entertained by my love life. I, on the other hand, was very stressed. And yet, I'd never been happier.

○Cas○

**From Unknown Number:**  
**Hey is this Cas?**

**To Unknown Number:**  
**Yeah**

**To Unknown Number:**  
**Dean, right?**

**From Unknown Number:**  
**Yeah I just wanted to talk about tomorrow**

**To Dean:**  
**Do you have any plans yet?**

**From Dean:**  
**I do but I want to surprise you**

**From Dean:**  
**...if that's okay**

**To Dean:**  
**That's fine. Do I at least get to know where and when?**

**From Dean:**  
**How about we go there together after school? Say... 4:30? Wear something comfortable and come hungry**

**To Dean:**  
**I don't get any other clues than that?**

**From Dean:**  
**...I hope you're not allergic to grass or trees...?**

**To Dean:**  
**Lucky for you, I'm not**

**To Dean:**  
**I'd love to talk longer, but I've got to go. My sister is expecting a video call from me since I can't talk tomorrow**

**From Dean:**  
**Sorry you had to cancel**

**To Dean:**  
**I'm not**

**To Dean:**  
**Dean?**

**From Dean:**  
**Sorry**

**From Dean:**  
**I'll see you tomorrow. Have fun with Anna**

**From Dean:**  
**Goodnight Cas**

**To Dean:**  
**Goodnight, Dean**

°°°

"No practice today?" Adam asked when I got to our dorm after fourth block.

"No, Jo had to cancel it. I guess she was busy."

"Okay. Do you want to watch a movie or grab dinner?"

"Uh... Actually, I have plans... with Dean." I couldn't believe he didn't know about whatever we were doing. Though, once he answered, it was obvious that he did.

"Really?" Adam feigned surprise. "Like a date or...?"

I looked away from him, chosing to find something to wear instead. "I'm not sure what it is exactly. Maybe?" I pulled a long sleeved grey shirt from a hanger and matched it with a pair of jeans. I went into the bathroom and changed, hoping to avoid any other questions from my roommate. Unfortunately, he didn't think he asked quite enough.

"Do you want it to be a date?" he hit me with as soon as I was back in sight.

"I don't know, Adam." I found my grey Vans and put them on as he watched me. "I don't even know if he thinks this is a date."

"He does. Trust me, he does."

_Oh God, he does? Dean is expecting this to be a date? What happens if I show up and realize I don't want it to be a date? Now, I'm worried about whatever he has planned._

"Well, I'll know how I feel after this is all said and done." Once I finished with my shoes, I debated whether I wanted to keep my contacts or wear my glasses.

"Dean likes it when you wear your glasses," Adam pointed out, seemingly reading my mind. I frowned, wondering how he knew I was thinking about that. "I'm just saying."

Confused, I went to the mirror above the sink and exchanged my contacts for my glasses. I walked back to Adam, spreading my arms at my sides. "Am I good to go?"

He gave me a thumbs up and laid on his bed. I was about to text Dean to tell him that I was ready when someone knocked on the door.

"Have fun," Adam told me.

"Thanks." I pocketed my phone and went to the door, suddenly really nervous. Come on, what's the worst thing that could happen? Okay, nevermind, lots of bad things can happen. None of it will, though. Everything is going to be fine. I'm just spending time with someone. Yes, that someone is an extremely attractive boy who is obviously interested in me, but that isn't a big deal. There's nothing to worry about. I finally gathered the courage to open the door. Dean was standing there, holding something behind his back. When he realized I answered the door, he looked at me and smiled. I never realized how green his eyes were or how many freckles he had. Oh my gosh, this boy was beautiful. "Hey."

"Hey. Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, let's go."

I tried to look at what he was holding, but he shifted it out of view. "What is that?"

"Part of your surprise," he answered vaguely.

"Can't you tell me? You know, since we're on our way there."

He chuckled a little and showed me. It was a basket? "We're going on a picnic." A picnic? That was strangely... sweet. And romantic. Damn it, he really did think this was a date. "The park isn't too far away."

Sure enough, a few minutes of conversation about band later, we were there. Dean led me further into the park, past the playground and the little duck pond, and near the line of trees. It was a flat area where you could see almost all of the park and was shaded by the trees behind us. It was amazing. Dean pulled a blanket from the basket and spread it on the ground while I looked at the scenery.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I nodded. "I used to come up here with Sam and Jo all the time, but we haven't in a while."

"Sam and Jo?"

"My brother and sister."

"Jo, as in... Jo Harvelle?"

He looked confused. "Yeah. Did you not know that she's my sister?"

"No, I didn't." I turned and sat down, crossing my legs. "I never would've guessed. You two don't look alike."

Dean smiled, sitting beside me. "Well, we're not actually related. Well, I guess since Bobby adopted her, we'd be," he stopped, thinking about it, "second cousins, I think." Dean shrugged. "But really, she's my sister. She's my sister, and Bobby and Ellen are my parents as much as Sam's my brother. Let's not get into any of that right now, okay? It's too confusing to process in one sitting."

"Alright," I complied, already confused. "So, what did you bring to eat? I'm hungry."

"Well, it wouldn't be a picnic without sandwiches, so I brought just about everything to make some. Also, some sugar cookies my mom made. Trust me, they are _delicious_. Go ahead," he told me, gesturing to the basket, "take whatever you want."

●Dean●

After Cas and I ate for a little while, he frowned. "We don't really know each other."

"I guess not." _What is he getting at?_

"Do you want to play a game?" Cas asked abruptly.

"A game?"

"Sure. Like twenty questions or something. We can get to know each other better. We can ask questions about each other and then answer them ourselves if we can. What do you say?"

"That sounds fun. I'll start." Hm. I had a long list of things I wanted to know about Cas, but I figured I should start small. "What's your favorite color?"

Cas looked to the side, biting his lip. He turned back to me and laughed. "I don't know; I haven't given it much thought. Maybe red or blue. Or maybe certain shades of green. I don't know. This is a horrible start. What's yours?"

"Blue," I answered simply. Even before I met him, I'd loved the color. Then, Cas walked into my life, and his eyes became my new favorite shade _. God, I'm a sappy mess._

"When and how did you get your first power? I was six. We were at my brothers' first birthday party, and my Uncle Balthazar scared me so much, I electrocuted him. I guess I kinda stole their thunder. Heh, pun not intended. But he was fine since he practically grew up with my dad; he was used to it."

"Can your dad control the weather too?"

"Yeah," he told me. "And my mom can control plants. I'm one of the clichés that are the exact combination of their parents."

"That not a bad thing. My little brother is like that. But my story isn't that exciting," I lied. "I was a typical kid who got their powers at eight, and I accidently set something on fire." I didn't want to tell him how I actually discovered them: by pushing someone out of a window and almost killing them after I watched them murder my mother. I wasn't going to drag Cas into that insanity. Not yet, at least. "So, have you ever had a pet? We've got a dog named Bones, but he's mostly my brother's."

Cas shook his head. "No, but we've got Luce, so there's not much of a difference." When I didn't get whatever inside joke that was, he moved on. "Anna really wants a cat, though. She's been begging for one for months now. I guarantee she'll have one in the next couple years." I hoped I was going to be in his life long enough for him to realize I was allergic to cats when Anna got one, but that seemed a little farfetched to think of right now. "Um... When's your birthday?"

"January twenty-fourth."

"August twenty-eighth," he said, taking a drink of his water.

"You're already eighteen?" He nodded. "You're older than me?" He repeated the gesture, this time, slower. "I wouldn't have guessed that. So, your birthday was just a few days before school started."

"Three days before orientation."

I couldn't believe it. This kid was actually older than me! He was probably the oldest, or one of the oldest, kids in our grade. He was already eighteen! Who would've thought?

"Well, now that I'm thoroughly shocked, I'm curious. I've heard you name, like, six siblings. How many do you actually have?"

Cas started laughing, which was adorable. "You're not too far off. There are eight of us. Michael, Lucius, Gabriel, me, Ezekiel, Gadreel, Anna, and Samandriel."

My jaw dropped. "Wow. That's a lot of kids. And all of you have really similar names too. How do your parents keep you all straight?"

"They don't. I've even been called Anna. I'm an eighteen-year-old boy, not an eight-year-old, redheaded girl. And yet, they still call me that occasionally. My house is honestly a train wreck."

"Mine isn't much better, but it's probably a little quieter. I never would've thought that sentence would come out of my mouth considering I live with Bobby and Jo. But it's just my parents, me, Sam, and Jo. I'm the oldest out of the three of us, and Sam is in eighth grade."

"So," Cas said with a little smirk that screamed mischief, "what do you like to do? You know, besides harassing people until they go on a date with you?"

_Cas just said this is a date. Man, I was worried he only wanted us to be friends. Does this mean he's interested in me? I hope that wasn't just something that slipped out of his mouth on accident._

I teasingly pushed his shoulder, earning a smile from him. "Hey, I'm pretty sure you agreed to this of your own free will. And I tried to stay away from you. You know, at first. But I'm in band, football, wrestling, and baseball, so I don't have much time to do anything else. I read occasionally, but it has to be good to hold my interest. All my other free time belongs to Netflix."

Cas looked like he wanted to laugh, but he didn't. I don't know if he was judging my extracurriculars or my confession of practically selling my soul to Netflix. "I use to spend all my time reading or with my little sister, so I don't know what I like to do now." He frowned. "Sleep? I do a lot of that."

"Come on, you have to do something else."

"I'm a different person now, Dean. I don't know who I am exactly. I haven't figured out what I like to do. When I do, I'll let you know."

_That was oddly sweet. That was actually a really sweet thing to say. He wants me in his life. He wants me there long enough for him to figure out who he is. I don't know what that means, but I'm willing to find out why he wants to remake himself. I'm willing to learn who Cas is right along with him._

The first step would be asking a few more questions. "What's your favorite ice cream flavor?"

"Rocky road. And you?"

"Mint chocolate chip or cookies and cream." He made a face, obviously not a fan of my preferences. "I'm guessing that means you don't agree with me."

"I don't like mint and chocolate together. It just... eh." Cas shook his head, focusing back on our game. "What are the chances you like superhero movies?"

"Isn't it a little arrogant or self-absorbed to watch movies about superheroes when we're _paratas_?"

"Dean, we're not superheroes."

"Close enough."

Cas rolled his eyes. "I'm going to take that as a yes then. Who's your favorite? Mine is Captain America."

"The Green Arrow. Oliver Queen all the way." His lips parted in shock, and I immediately justified myself. "Have you seen Stephen Amell?"

"Have you seen Chris Evans?" Cas countered.

"Marvel or DC?" I asked, thinking this might have been one of the most important questions we asked today.

"Marvel, definitely."

I gasped, genuinely offended. "Cas, I don't think we can talk anymore."

"So, this is the end? It's all over because of Marvel versus DC?"

I paused, tilting my head and pretending to think about it. "Well... in this case, I think I'll make an exception."

"Lucky me." For a moment, I was lost in his eyes. Just for a moment, the whole world disappeared, and the only thing that existed was us. It was just me and Cas. The only thing I saw was that look on his face. The loud pulsing of my heart was the only thing I could hear or feel. That is, until he abruptly changed topics. "How long have you been in band?"

"This will be my fifth year. I started in eighth grade."

"I would've thought you were always a band kid."

"Were you?"

"I started in sixth grade."

I did the math in my head. "So, this is year seven for you?"

He shook his head. "Sixth. I can't really count junior year."

"Why not?"

He suddenly looked very uncomfortable. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to tell me anything, but he was already talking. "I quit halfway through the year, but I gave up long before that. It's a... long story that I don't want to get into right now. Besides, I have another question that I'm curious about. I've heard a few things around the school." I started to panic. What could he have heard? Did he hear something bad or _really_ bad? What level of the horrible rumors did he uncover? "I hope you don't mind me asking, are you, uh, gay or...?"

I let out the breath I was holding as a laugh. "No, I'm bi. That wasn't what I was expecting you to ask."

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know, but if you don't mind, could ask you the same thing?" This was an awkward conversation, but I felt like this needed to be addressed. I wanted us to be honest, about this at least.

He didn't hesitate to answer me. "Oh, I'm gay." His unabashed answer surprised me, but I was glad we got it out of the way. At least I knew for sure that I had a chance with Cas. At least I was putting together some of the pieces of the mystery that was the boy in front of me.

○Cas○

The look on Dean's face said he was shocked by my honest answer. I couldn't help but love the fact that I could stun him. That stupid expression was actually kind of cute.

I guess I couldn't help but surprise him one more time. "Have you ever had a boyfriend before? Or have you only dated girls? I used to have a friend who was bisexual but had only dated guys." _Friend_ wasn't exactly the word I'd use to describe Gracelyn after what happened with Levi, but Dean didn't need to know any of that. _Friend_ would work for now.

"Yeah, I dated a guy named Blake for a while. Have you?" I simply nodded. I didn't want to go into any of this, and yet, we kept circling back to my past. So, I stayed silent and waited for Dean to speak. "Is that who Levi is?"

My eyes snapped to his face. "How did you know that?" I hadn't said anything to anyone about Levi besides Charlie and Kevin. So, how did he even know his name?

"Well, Adam... He, uh... I was just wondering about him."

" _You were just wondering?_ I'm surprised Adam didn't tell you since he apparently knew about him."

"I didn't mean to make you upset. I was just curious about who he was. You know, if you two were more than friends or something."

"Yeah, _or something_. Do you want to know who Levi was?" I asked, his name dripping with acid in my mouth. I didn't let Dean answer. "He was a douchebag who decided that I wasn't worth his time and effort. Or his respect apparently. But before that, before I realized that he was a terrible person, I thought he was the love of my life. He was kind and funny and every other great feature you can think of. He made every stressful moment dissolve just by talking to me. He had the most beautiful amber eyes and a charming personality. I loved him." I sniffed a little, my anger being replaced by an overwhelming sadness that I couldn't control.

Dean looked at me worriedly, then to the sky. "What happened?"

It was hard to believe he was still pushing this. I continued, " _I learned the truth._ That all the while, he was having sex with my best friend and a handful of other people." That rage returned at the thought. I gritted my teeth. "He was pretty damn great, don't you think?"

"Cas?" Dean asked, so unsure.

"What?" I snapped.

He just shook his head, looking at the sky again. "Nevermind."

"Why do you keep looking at the-" I broke off that thought as I saw what he looked so worried about. During my outburst, the weather had gone from sunny to black clouds that were gathered right overhead. I cursed under my breath once I realized what I did. That seemed to startle Dean the most out of everything that just happened. I lifted my hands to my face, trying to calm down before things got worse. Thunder boomed all around us, making me jump. Tiny sparks flew from my fingers, but not as badly as it could have been. I knew that if I continued to freak out, the storm would turn disastrous. I couldn't waste time thinking about whatever was happening with me and Dean. "We need to go!" I shouted as it started raining.

He jumped up with me, and we started throwing everything in the picnic basket. Lightning struck in the distance, and it poured down on us even harder. "Dean- just come on!" I grabbed his hand and pulled him along with me back to campus.

Once we reached the dorms, it was only a few moments before we got to our doors. We were soaked, out of breath, and still holding hands. When I realized that, I quickly dropped his hand, instantly regretting it.

"I, uh- I guess I'll just..." I didn't know what to say, so I went to my door. I touched the handle before suddenly dropping my head onto the wooden panel and swearing under my breath.

"Is everything okay, Cas?" Dean asked me warily.

"I forgot my keys." I knocked on the door, hoping Adam was still in our room. "Adam? Adam?"

"He's not there. He left for dinner with his mom after we did."

I turned and leaned against the door. "Great. That's fantastic."

"Well, you can stay in my room until he gets back, if you want. We don't even have to talk if you'd rather not."

I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't just wait outside of my room for who knows how long.

"Okay." I watched as Dean unlocked his door before holding it open for me. I walked to the center of his room, not knowing what to do, and texted Adam to tell him what was going on and to come get me once he was back.

When I looked up, Dean was standing in front of me with some folded clothes. "Here, you're soaked. Go change so you don't get sick."

I took them from him and went into his shared bathroom, locking the doors on either side. I slid down to the floor and held my head in my hands, flinching when I heard another round of thunder. I sat on the floor for over five minutes, unmoving and overthinking everything. The only thing that pulled me out of my thoughts was the soft sound of piano music coming from Dean's room. I noticed that he had a keyboard in the place of another bed on Wednesday, but I never acknowledged it. That was the thing that finally made me get up and change out of my wet clothes.

When I came out, Dean had already changed clothes and was playing a song I recognized. "Is that Adele?"

He stopped playing, turning to me. "Yeah. When We Were Young. Alison Bexley and I perform whenever the school needs us to; I play piano while she sings. I'm trying to work up a few of the songs she wants us to use for the talent show the freshmen put on every year." He looked away, dropping whatever he was saying. "Are you alright?"

I shrugged and sat beside him on the piano bench. "I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine. Listen, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset; I just wanted today to go well. I shouldn't have brought up your ex, and I'm really, really sorry. I know, I kind of ruined everything."

"It was my fault," I huffed. "I shouldn't have acted the way I did. It's just... well, I loved Levi, and it really hurt when he cheated on me. It still hurts sometimes. I know that it was over a year ago, but it still stings. It's like I wasn't good enough for him. I don't know... it's hard to explain."

"You don't have to."

"No, I do. I wanted our date to go well too, for so many reasons. I'm just really touchy about my past. A lot of things have happened that I don't like to talk about. I just want you to know that I'm sorry and that nothing is on you. You're not to blame for me losing my temper or the storm or our date being ruined." I touched one of the ivory keys on the keyboard lightly, feeling Dean's eyes on me. _Alright, time to change the subject_. "So, I noticed you gave me a marching band shirt. On the back of it, I saw a few songs that I'm guessing you played a few years ago. Unless of course, your band likes decorating their shirts with random songs from the 60s." I looked up at Dean, seeing him smiling. "Hey Jude, huh? I love that song."

"Do you want to hear it?" Dean offered. "That's one of the first songs I learned to play on the piano."

"Please."

●Dean●

I loved showing off. I loved it even more when it could be the reason Cas was still sitting next to me. Hey Jude was always one of my favorite songs growing up: it was one of my only memories I had from my mother. She would sing it to me when I was sick or couldn't go to sleep. It seemed like a cruel joke when my freshman year field show included it in the lineup, but, after a few performances, it felt like two of the things I loved the most were coming together: band and my mother. The fact that Cas also loved the song made me happy. But the amazement on his face as I played it made me even happier.

"That was amazing," he breathed when I finished. He blushed a bit, trying to hide his burning face. "I've always loved piano, but I never could learn it. When I was younger, I tried to learn to play, but I wasn't very good. But, hey, I started with sax a few years later, and I didn't completely suck, so..." Cas trailed off, realizing that he was rambling a bit.

"It's never too late to learn. Well, it's too late if you're dead or something." I realized what I just said and bit my tongue.

Cas rolled his eyes. "Where would I even go to learn to play? It's not like piano lessons are in high demand for high schoolers."

"I could," I said quietly. "Now, actually."

"What?"

"I could teach you to play the piano if you want me to." He nodded silently, so I moved over and made more room for him on the bench. "Okay, start with your hands like this." I demonstrated where to lay his fingers, and he followed suit once I lifted my hands. I smirked and moved his left hand down a key. I held my own a few centimeters over his and showed him where to press. "So, we're going to start with a C, then..."

•••

After about twenty minutes of learning three or four scales and super easy songs, Cas was getting the hang of it. He was a natural. I thought I learned quickly, but I couldn't hold a candle to him. At some point, I pulled out an old music book that I got when I was teaching myself how to play. I turned the page and gestured to a French folk song that I use to love.

Cas must have been thinking about something, because he fumbled over the notes that he'd been doing fine on the whole time. He sighed in defeat, so I touched his shoulder gently. "Hey, don't worry, Cas. Try it again. Like this." I showed him the part he messed up, which he replicated perfectly.

"See, you're amazing." He blushed and turned away, but not before I saw the small smile he was trying to hide.

A few dozen songs later, I decided that Cas learned enough to try something a little harder. I shuffled through a stack of music with complicated rhythms on it until I stopped on a much easier one. He looked relieved that I didn't choose one of the other pieces.

"I know it's not Christmas yet, but I really love the Carol of the Bells. Plus, it's a great song to play as a duet."

I moved my stare from the sheet music I placed in front of him to his shocked face. "Duet?"

"Yeah. Come on, say you'll duet with me."

Cas rolled his eyes. "I don't know if that was supposed to be a pun, but please don't say that ever again." He sighed. "Sure, Dean. I'll play the song with you."

My face lit up with a smile. "Okay, we'll take it pretty slow at first before speeding it up." I nodded towards the music. "Why don't you play through it a few times by yourself? You know, so you're comfortable with the notes and rhythms."

He did what I said, though he ran through the song about seven times before he was ready.

"Okay," he told me. "Let's try this."

○Cas○

Dean was playing beautifully; I was a mess. I kept fumbling over the notes, trying to keep up with the boy beside me, even though we were only going half tempo. About halfway through the song, I reached for the C rather than the E. While I cursed myself for messing up, Dean continued playing. Before I could recover, Dean missed a few notes, though I didn't see why. Then, our hands touched, and we both stopped playing abruptly.

I noticed that his hand was extremely warm. I just stared at our fingers, still touching and blushed darkly at the contact. I looked up at Dean quickly, quietly panicking. His warm emerald green eyes were already on me. My breath hitched in my throat when he looked at my lips. Dean started to get closer to me, and without my mind's approval, my body moved on its own. Towards Dean.

Just before our lips met, I stopped myself and backed away. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I ran my hands through my hair. Standing up, I walked away from Dean, cursing myself for so many reasons.

_Why did I let us get that close? Why did I just do that? Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I kiss Dean? I wanted to. I wanted to kiss him so badly. So, why didn't I? Why did I let my head take over again? Why do I have to overthink everything?_

"Cas, listen. I-"

I interrupted him. "No, Dean. Please don't. I'm sorry.... I can't." I covered my mouth, partially to mask the heavy breaths I couldn't control and partially because I almost just kissed Dean.

He jumped up, walking to me. "Cas, don't apologize; it's okay. I shouldn't have- Are you crying?"

I moved my hand to my eyes, wiping away the tears. "I-"

"Shh... Don't say anything," Dean told me, pulling me into a hug. He held me close to him while I cried into his shoulder, unable to hold back anymore. "I'm sorry, Cas. God, I'm so, so sorry."

"I don't know if I can do this," I whimpered into the fabric of his shirt.

"That's fine. You don't have to do anything." Dean was just muttering apologies to me, rubbing circles into my shoulder blade with his thumb.

Just when I thought my tears had run out, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled myself from Dean's arms, trying to collect my dignity. "It's Adam," I told him. "I'm going to go."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I always am."

●Dean●

As if the past couple minutes weren't bad enough, his last comment broke me. He said that like that had happened many times before. He said it like he had experience falling apart and putting himself back together alone. I didn't know what to do. The feeling of Cas shaking in my arms, the sound of him sobbing, and the shattered look on his face replayed over and over again in my mind. I hated that Cas was hurting like that; I hated that _I_ was the one who made him feel like that.

 _You're an idiot, Dean!_ I told myself. _Why did you think it would be okay to kiss him? Did you not hear a word he said? He's still a mess from his last relationship. Did you think you could fix that by kissing him? You ruin everything you touch. You're cursed; it's not like you can ever be happy. You'd be doing him a favor by leaving him alone._

_I know._


	11. Apologies & Aftermaths

○Cas○

Not even a minute later, I was across the hall, throwing my shoes into my closet. Adam kept giving me worried looks, probably because I was throwing things and because it was obvious that I'd been crying. I knew he wanted to ask what was wrong, but I didn't want to answer any questions. I only shook my head, leaning onto the wall my bed was pressed against.

I started breathing heavily as a thousand thoughts spun in my head, crushing me. _Why did I have to go on that stupid date with him? I should've known that things were going to go south. I shouldn't have suggested that stupid game. Why does Dean have to be so charming and sweet? Why do I have to have feelings for him? Why do they have to be so complicated? I wish Dean wouldn't have tried to kiss me. No, I wish I would've kissed him. If I would've just kissed him like I wanted to, I wouldn't be in this mess. What does he think of me now? He probably hates me. He's not going to want to talk to me anymore, and I can't blame him. I ruined everything. I should've just kissed him. Why couldn't I just kiss him? Damn it. Why can't I forget about Levi? Why can't I move on? I just want to move on; I want to move on with Dean. But I can't do that now because he hates me. I can't believe I-_

"Oh my God, Castiel!" Adam yelled from across the room. "Dean doesn't hate you. He thinks about you all the time and never shuts up about you. That's all it is with him: _Cas this_ and _Cas that_."

I blinked a few times. "What?" I asked, dumbfounded. "I didn't even say anything."

"But you were thinking it!"

It didn't take me long to process what he meant. "You can read minds?"

"Yeah," Adam sighed, "and breathe underwater, thanks for asking before." I must have been making a face, because he rolled his eyes. "It's not like I do it all the time, though. Mostly, everything is just a buzzing in the background that I tune out. I can pick out voices and listen to them if I really want to, but I only do that if I'm bored in class or something. I can't ignore you and Dean, though, because _you think so loudly sometimes_! Like, come on, Castiel. Learn to whisper. And Dean, don't get me started on him. There are only so many times that someone can think a name before it starts getting annoying. All the time, Castiel. _All. The. Time_. It's like his train of thought is just a loop of your name."

I tried to take in everything he was saying. That was a little difficult, though.

"And he's always yelling at himself, but it's weird. I don't know how to describe it." Adam shook his head. "Oh, and the very vivid scenarios... Thank goodness I can't see them, but I can still hear them. You both need to cut that out. You don't do it as often, but you still need to stop. Like, get a room or be a little quieter."

I was extremely embarassed, but I laughed at that. "Adam, they're our thoughts. How much more private do we need to be?"

"Just... whisper, please."

I rolled my eyes, thinking some not-so-nice things about my pain in the ass roommate.

"Hey!" Adam complained. "I can hear you."

"Oh, I know." I stopped to comprehend what that meant. "So, you know about what just happened?" I was hoping that he would say no, but I wasn't that lucky.

"Castiel, you just spent the past couple minutes yelling at yourself about it. Yes, I know. But if it makes you feel any better, Dean's also yelling at himself. He's being very, very loud." He winced. "And he's being very... _colorful_ with his vocabulary."

"That doesn't make me feel _any_ better." Suddenly, something clicked. "That's how he knew about Levi. Oh, I feel so horrible."

"I'm sorry," Adam apologized. "I'm didn't mean to pry, but it's hard sometimes." I nodded, not really caring about him listening to my thoughts. "Just talk to him. Dean's a pretty understanding guy. He'll never know what you're feeling or thinking if you don't tell him. Trust me, you might need to spell it out for him, but everything will be fine in the end."

"Thank you." My roommate smirked and shook his head. "What?"

"I just realized what you're wearing.... You haven't even brought Dean his other clothes back, and now you're wearing more. Are you starting a collection?"

"Maybe I am, Milligan. Leave me alone."

Adam laughed, finally sitting on his bed. "You need a good night's sleep. Go to bed, Castiel."

"Alright," I mumbled, happily doing so. "Oh, and Adam?"

"Yes?"

"Please, call me Cas."

●Dean●

I couldn't move. Something was tying me down by my wrists, ankles, stomach, and around my neck. Every time I tried to move or look around, something sharp would stab into my skin. It hurt to breathe. I didn't know what was going on; my mind was fuzzy. I tried to put pieces together in my head, but it was like I was grasping at the air. All I knew was that something was wrong and that Cas was in trouble. I tried to call for him, but the ropes- _or was it something like barbed wire?_ \- pulled into my throat. I gasped in pain, my vision blurring. Then, I heard him scream. Cas was just out of my sight, screaming my name. It sounded like someone was torturing him. He kept calling for me to help, for me to make it stop. He was telling me to keep _him_ away from him. Who was it? Who was hurting Cas? Why? I got all of my answers when I heard one last blood curdling shriek as smoke filled the room. I could smell the fire and the burning flesh. Tears started dripping down my cheeks, stinging wherever they landed. I woke up to an all too familiar laughter still echoing in my ears.

I looked around, trying to calm myself and prove that everything was okay. Luckily, I had the foresight to find that power-blocking bracelet last night and wear it to bed. I knew that my emotions were all over the place, but I didn't think they would take me there. Every year around this time, I always have weird dreams that have something to do with my mother's death, yet they've been showing up earlier and earlier the past few years. The anniversary wasn't for another six weeks or so, and the dream surprised me. I made sure my bracelet was secure on my wrist before I attempted to fall asleep again, hoping for a reprieve from the nightmares.

•••

I woke up to someone knocking on my door and to me feeling like I hadn't slept in three months. This wasn't going to be my morning. I, of course, didn't realize that it was past noon at that point. I opened the door, smoothing down my hair as I did.

"Cas?" I frowned at him. His own hair was a mess, he was wearing my clothes, and it looked like he hadn't slept. _That makes two of us_. "Not to be rude, but what do you want?" He winced at that, seeming genuinely hurt. I sighed. "Sorry, it was a long night. Do you want to come in?"

"Uh, I... Actually, I was wondering if you would want to come over to my room for a little while. Adam left an hour ago, and I really need to talk to you."

"If it's about last night, you don't need to say anything. It's fine."

"No, it's- _Please_." With that desperate look on his face, I couldn't say no.

"Alright. Go ahead over, and I'll meet you there. I need to, at least, brush my teeth; I just woke up."

He nodded and turned to go back to his room, looking no less dejected than when he came over.

•••

"So, what is it that you need to tell me?" I asked, sitting on his bed beside him.

"I need to explain."

"Cas," I sighed, "I told you that you don't-"

"Dean, please. Just let me do this." I shut my mouth and let him speak, surprised by what he said. "I need to tell you about Levi. I need to tell you the whole story. All of it. I need you to know what you're signing up for: every horrible thing that's happened, every tear, every scar," my stomach dropped when he said those two words, "everything. Can I trust you?"

"I'd love to say yes, but I think only you can answer that. Cas, can you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Then, go ahead."

Cas leaned back against his pillows, bracing himself. "It started back in Illinois...."

•••

"They did _what_ to you?" I asked, anger rising in my chest at the thought of these kids hurting Cas.

Cas pulled his- my- shirt down off his shoulder to show me a faint, red scar in the shape of what look like a hand. "This is one of the worst ones."

"Damn it, Cas," I said, getting closer to him and reaching out to brush my thumb over his skin. I pulled back at the last second, only ghosting over the scar. "What happened? _What did they do to you?_ "

"A boy couldn't control his fire is well as he thought." I immediately dropped my hand onto my leg, shame burning inside me. No, I wasn't the one who did this to him, but it could have easily been. I could've done this, or worse, to him or anyone else. "It's not that big of a deal."

" _It's not a big deal?_ Really? Cas, they literally scarred you. How can you say it doesn't matter?"

He let go of his shirt, and it bounced back into place. "It was a long time ago. I'm over it; I moved on. I'm only telling you so you can understand."

"There's more?" I wondered aloud.

Cas smiled sadly, "I just started."

•••

I was listening to Cas's story as I shuffled through the pictures and memories he was letting me see. I didn't know what to think when he brought me a large envelope, but he just gestured for me to open it and continued to talk. It was obvious that Cas loved this boy: no matter what, he always was looking at Levi like he was everything to him. I suppose, in a way, he was. Through the frozen moments of time, I practically watched Cas grow up. Before my eyes, I saw his hair grow out before being cut to the way it looked now three times, I saw his face lose its boyishness and thin out, I saw his skin tan and his eyes grow wiser and that love become even stronger. But that wasn't the only thing I saw. Towards the middle of the stack, Levi's own eyes seemed to dim in each photo, losing their shine and happiness that were there in the beginning. Then, he started to physically distance himself from Cas. He didn't seem to notice, though; Cas still looked happy and in love. I couldn't imagine what he went through, what he was going through now even.

I picked up the next picture and felt a pang in my chest. This one was taken at an odd angle, obviously by Levi who wasn't paying attention to where the camera was pointing. Instead, he was focused on Cas, kissing him like everything would fall apart without the blushing blue-eyed boy. Everything about the moment told me that it was private: from the way Levi was propped on his elbow by Cas's crossed legs, to the book Cas had put down, to the way Cas was barely touching Levi's face as they kissed. I looked away, realizing Cas had stopped talking. He was staring at the picture, biting his lip, so I turned it over and went on to the next one. Cas sighed and started again.

○Cas○

I realized that I was staring, but I couldn't help it. Every time I looked at those pictures, I was sucked back into the past. I hadn't stopped to do more than glance at them, but when I noticed Dean was studying one particular picture for a while, I couldn't help it. I had to see what he was so interested in. Turns out, it was one of the pictures I had of me and Levi kissing. That specific one was my favorite, the one I used to have on a pinboard in my room and in my locker back at Claydon High. I didn't know why I loved it so much; that day wasn't special or any different than any other.

°°°

I was sitting on the carpeted floor of Levi's bedroom one day during sophomore year, and Levi was laying with his head on my lap. I was reading The Grapes of Wrath to him since he claimed he could only focus with my voice. Obviously, he was lying. Every so often he would interrupt me to ask something ridiculous or make a stupid statement. Occasionally, he would ask something about the book, but not many times.

"Cas," he started, stopping me in the middle of a sentence.

"Yes, Levi?" I moved the book, letting me see his face.

"Does Gabe have to be looking at someone to use his powers? If so, can he blink?" He frowned, seeming to think of something new to ask. "How long can he use them?"

I rolled my eyes. "We've been over this. Yes, he has to look at the person. Yes, he can blink. And I don't know how long he can use them. And if you ask about the powers of my other 'twenty-three siblings', I'll leave you and go talk to your mom."

"Okay, okay. You're so angry. Lighten up," he told me, reaching up and poking me in the stomach.

"I'm pretty much doing your homework for you; I don't think you have the right to complain."

"You have to read this too!"

I smiled sweetly. "I already finished it."

"Course you did. Nerd," he coughed.

"Can I finish?" I asked him, laughing.

He shook his head, only resulting in it rocking a little on my crossed legs. "One more question." I nodded, letting him continue. "That guy in our biology class... he was looking at you an awful lot. Can I fight him?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "No! You can't just fight everyone who looks at me."

"Why not?" Levi pouted.

"You're an idiot."

He grabbed my hand, threading his fingers with my own. "But you love me anyways." He was looking up at me with such warmth in his eyes, but then they glistened at the next sentence that escaped his lips. "I bet it's because of my magnetic personality."

"Shut up, Levi."

°°°

A moment later, he moved from my legs to his side, and then we were kissing. I didn't even realize he was taking pictures until I went home and he texted all of them to me.

Dean flipped over the picture, pulling me from my thoughts. "That was from March," I told him, only receiving a brief look in response. "I found out he was cheating on me five months later."

°°°

**From Anthony:**  
**Cas I can't keep this from you anymore. Levi and Gracelyn are sleeping together and he's cheating on you with more than just her. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner**

**From Anthony:**  
**It's been going on for over a year now**

I stared at Anthony's text for fifteen minutes before I responded.

**To Anthony:**  
**What**

**From Anthony:**  
**Listen I didn't want to keep it from you but Levi made me. Whatever you do with that I don't care. I told you so my conscience is cleared**

**From Anthony:**  
**Just don't tell anyone that I told you. Keep me out of this**

_He had to be lying. Levi wouldn't do that to me, right? I mean, he loves me. We'd been together for almost two years. He put so much effort into winning me over. Surely, he wouldn't be with other people. He wouldn't throw away everything we had._

I decided to go talk to him. I wouldn't bring up anything about Anthony's messages, or Gracelyn if I didn't have to, but I wanted to see what he said.

"Levi?"

"Hm? Cas, what are you doing here?"

I stood awkwardly in his doorway, something I hadn't done since the first time I was over. Nothing with us was awkward.

"I needed to talk to you."

Levi frowned, but patted the bed beside him. "What's wrong?"

I immediately wrapped myself in his arms, melting at his touch. "Angel? You're making me nervous. Did something happen?"

Burying my face in his shoulder, I mumbled, "I don't want it to be true."

"Don't want what to be true? Cas, are you alright?" He started running his fingers through my hair, which only made me cry.

"Gracelyn," I said between breaths. "And all the others." He stiffened up at her name but didn't say anything. He didn't have to; his reaction said enough.

While it was stupid, I cried as he held me. Levi was obviously too shocked to do anything, and I was too numb to move. I eventually pulled myself away from him.

"I need to go. This is too much. This has been going on for too long! I can't do this anymore. Levi, _I'm done_."

"Cas-"

"No." I tried to say that sternly or with conviction, but it came out as a whimper. I sounded defeated. I sounded lost. "I can't. I'm sorry. We're done."

I couldn't imagine why I was apologizing. I didn't do anything, and yet I felt like I was to blame.

Before I could make an even bigger fool of myself, I gathered the last of my dignity and left.

The last thing I heard was a quiet "Cas".

°°°

"I'm so sorry, Cas," Dean told me, sounding one hundred percent genuine. "If I would've know this, I wouldn't have brought him up. I'm sorry."

"Dean, stop apologizing; you don't have any reason to be sorry. You didn't know. But I wanted to tell you everything so you did. It still hurts, and I don't know how exactly I'm going to feel if I try to start anything new right now." Dean closed his eyes and smiled sadly. I reached out and touched his hand, his eyes opening at the contact. "But I'm willing to try if you are."

Dean nodded. "Of course I am." He acted hesitant, but he opened his arms a little, obviously wanting a hug. I shook my head happily and obliged. "You know, I think you owe me another date. I forgot to check the weather yesterday."

I laughed. "You really should've done that. But any time you want," I added. "You know how to reach me."

I snuggled into his shoulder, finally feeling comfortable and safe. Sharing everything with him took a weight off of me, and I felt so much better.

"If you don't mind me asking, what brought all of this on?"

"Well, someone told me recently that holding things in and keeping people out can hurt you, that it can ruin you. I can't get much worse, but I didn't want to put us at risk."

Dean pulled me closer, pressing his lips to my shoulder. And in that moment, I knew I finally said something right.

 


	12. Roommates & Romance

●Dean●

"Damn," Benny said, letting out a low whistle, "that storm Friday was Castiel? And why am I the only one who still calls him by his full name? Even Adam was calling that boy Cas today."

"I don't know. Call him whatever you want." I readjusted my music, the plastic lyre sticking to my bare arm. We walked out of the fine arts building, the warm early autumn sun soaking into the black T-shirt I changed into, and cut through the grass to the field. "But yeah, that was him."

Benny shook his head. "I can't believe you tried to kiss him."

"I can't believe you haven't even _tried_ to make a move on Meg yet."

My friend huffed, fidgeting with his quad harness. "That's a _completely different_ situation."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot. I actually had the balls to ask Cas out. And I actually have another date with him. You're right. They are completely different."

"You know what, Winchester?" I smiled, letting him go on. Instead, he just shook his head and muttered something to himself.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"I said you're an asshole." He hit me on the shoulder, but I couldn't help but laugh.

○Cas○

I chewed on the eraser of my pencil, frowning at the pages of the textbook in front of me. "So, it was the French _paratas_ that- Dean?"

He glanced up at me, startled. "Hm? Oh, sorry, Cas. I'm listening. France, rioting, the Bordeaux Experiment."

"If you want to stop, we can."

"No, it's fine. I'm just-"

"Thinking," I finished, raising an eyebrow. Dean smiled, waiting for me to finish my question about the project where _paratas_ revealed themselves and attempted to live peacefully with the _debilis_ in the French city. Let's just say it didn't end too well.

"Alright, the French paratas tried to live in Bordeaux, but they were driven out." Dean nodded. "They were driven out by... Lawrence."

"Laurent."

"It was almost right."

°°°

"What's on your mind?" I asked Dean, flicking through my notes to add my new pages to my binder. I landed on the right lesson and put the notebook paper with my printed worksheets from class. When I looked back to Dean, he hadn't moved from his position against his wall, and his eyes hadn't left from where they were watching the hardwood floor intently. I reached out to touch him on the shoulder, making his jump. "Are you okay? You're all quiet and spaced out."

"I'm fine...." The look on my face must have told him that I didn't believe him. He smiled and laid his hand on mine, the one that was still touching his arm. "Really. You don't have to worry." I pulled away from him, his words not soothing me at all.

●Dean●

So, I lied to Cas. I didn't want to, but I didn't know how he would respond to what I was really thinking. I just had Saturday stuck in my thoughts. Despite what he said, I wondered if Cas was really ready to move on. If he created a thunderstorm because I mentioned Levi, it wasn't a leap to think he was still caught up in the past. Of course, I wanted him to be over everything, but I couldn't help but worry. I didn't want him to rush into anything he wasn't ready for. Even if it meant waiting for Cas or possibly losing him. He had to come first.

"Dean? You zoned out again."

"It's Adam's birthday tomorrow. Did you know that?"

He looked a little surprised by the sudden topic change, yet he said, "Yes. He invited me to his house for whatever he was doing after school."

Part of me didn't expect that, but I felt like I should've seen it coming. Adam liked his roommate, plus I was his friend and _liked_ Cas. Naturally, Adam would've told him to come over for dinner and movies or whatever he had planned. That's what he'd done for the past three years to celebrate his birthday: he had me and Benny come over and watch whatever he wanted in his basement until his mom finished making whatever he wanted to eat that night.

"Well, you're in for a treat; Kate makes the best chocolate cake every year for Adam."

"I can't wait." Cas didn't sound excited.

"You don't have to worry about me," I repeated, hoping to convince him that I was fine. It didn't work.

"Dean, I know that look in your eyes. I had to see it every time I looked in the mirror for over a year. I was lying to myself and everyone else. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Fine," I caved. "Just don't be mad. I can't help but wonder if this is a good idea."

Panic flared in Cas's eyes. "What?"

I rubbed a hand over my face. "It's just... I don't want to push you. Saturday, you said-"

"I said that I wanted to try. I didn't tell you everything so you could keep me at arm's length."

"I want to give you time."

"I don't want time!" I fell silent, waiting to hear what else he had to say. "I want to move on from Levi. I'm done living in the past. Surely you can understand that. I told you, I want to try this," he waved his hand between us, "if you do too."

"Stop asking me that." I slipped my hand over his, wary of what Cas would do at the contact. He seemed to relax a little, though he was on edge because of my words. "As long as you're comfortable, I want to see where this goes. I didn't try this hard only to run away when I hear you have baggage. I'm sure you know I've got my own past that I don't like to share a lot. So, I'll make a deal with you. Let's forget about the past and go wherever this takes us and just be happy. And if either of us realizes it's too much or that we're not happy, we'll end it."

Cas thought about it for a moment, pressing his lips together in a way that he had to know was teasing. "Deal."

○Cas○

I walked out of the bathroom wearing a pair of jeans and black and white sweater, rubbing at my contacts that wouldn't sit right all day. "So, what are the plans?"

"Movie night until dinner. I was thinking Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant-Man, which means I'll have to hear Dean complain until _his_ birthday about not watching a DC movie." My roommate rolled his eyes. "Oh, well."

"I'm guessing the whole Marvel versus DC thing happens a lot." I sat down and started putting on my shoes. When I finished, I grabbed my phone, Adam's present, and my keys and waited for Adam by the door.

"He already brought it up with you?" I nodded, and Adam sighed, closing the door and locking it. "Figures. Yeah, Benny and Dean both prefer DC while I like Marvel more, so this is the one time a year I actually get my way."

"Well, I'm on your side, though I don't know what the big deal is. I like them both."

Adam shrugged. "I don't question it. You shouldn't either, unless you want Dean to go on for about half an hour."

The thought was actually kind of funny. Dean didn't seem like the type of person who would get that worked up because of a movie franchise, but then again, he also didn't seem like a few other things. I guess I needed to stop trying to label Dean Winchester before I knew him. I had a feeling that I would learn exactly who he was soon enough.

°°°

"Adam?" a woman called from inside the house when we walked in.

"Yeah, Mom. I'm coming."

He motioned for me to follow him through the family room and dining room to the kitchen. Kate was sitting at a small table with Dean and the boy he and Adam are always with, I think it was Ben or something like that. "You're late for your own birthday. Dean and Benny," _ah, that was it,_ "have been here for ten minutes. Hi, Castiel."

"Hi, Kate. You can call me Cas. It's less formal."

"Sorry, Mom." Adam walked over and kissed her on the cheek. "Are we good to head downstairs?"

"Of course. I'll call you guys up when dinner's ready."

"Thanks." He patted Kate's shoulder in a parting gesture and told the three of us to follow him. Benny and Dean jumped up, beating Adam to the staircase a few rooms down, obviously knowing their way around the Milligan house. I stayed close behind Adam until we reached what seemed to be a large game room. There was a TV with game consoles, controllers, and stacks of thin cases to various games surrounding it. What looked like a ping pong table was in the corner of the room and a couch and a few cushioned chairs sat opposite the TV. Benny was already rocking on one of the curved chairs; Dean was in the middle of the couch.

"Before you guys start," Adam warned, "don't."

Benny groaned, trying to talk him out of putting Guardians of the Galaxy in the DVD player. While they argued, Dean caught my eye and beckoned for me to sit by him.

"They're idiots," he told me, shaking his head and offering me a smile that I only saw from the flashing of the screen in the dark room as Adam skipped through the previews. "Sorry you have to listen to them."

"What are you talking about? This is like a quiet day at my house. Pass me the popcorn."

Dean leaned forward and picked up one of the bowls of the snack someone must have popped beforehand. When he sat back, he rested his arm on the back of the couch, right behind me. I took the bowl from him and unconsciously moved closer to Dean. Adam started the movie and smiled when he saw the two of us on the opposite side of where he sat on the couch. It occurred to me that this very moment could've been Adam's intentions when he invited me; if so, I needed to thank him later. But right now, I was going to enjoy it.

°°°

"What's next?" Dean asked Adam. He hadn't moved from his spot the entire movie, other than securing his arm around my shoulders, but I'd somehow managed to get even closer throughout the film. Neither of us bothered to move, not caring about what Dean's friends thought.

"More popcorn first, then Ant-Man."

"Come on, Adam," Benny complained. "I've watched that, like, three times already."

"And how many times have you made me watch Jurassic World?"

He didn't answer him, instead, he mumbled, "It's a good movie."

"Grab the bowls and meet me upstairs."

"Why do I have to? You can get them youself."

Adam shot him a look, which Benny seemed to understand because he did as he was told. Dean laughed the second they were gone. "Those two aren't very subtle."

"They remind me of Gabe."

"At least, you only have one of him. I've got two." Dean started drawing imaginary designs on my arm. The repetitive motions were soothing, but he stopped after a moment. Before I could ask why, Dean leaned in and whispered in my ear, "You still owe me a date." His warm breath tickled, yet I didn't feel the need to pull away. "What do you say about this weekend? Saturday night?"

I backed away, just enough to look at his face in the still dark room. "What do you have planned?"

"Let's go see a movie."

"What a cliché," I teased.

"Oh, if you wanted something else, you're with the wrong person. You should be expecting The Notebook and Dear John and... I can't think of any other cheesy romance movies."

I couldn't help but notice the way he was glancing at my lips, yet he never made a move. Dean seemed content with only keeping his arm around me and talking. I couldn't decide if I was grateful or disappointed.

●Dean●

Cas and I agreed to work out the details later since my friends decided to come back moments later. Benny handed Cas a bowl as one of my arms was around him, and Adam switched the movies. The entire moment was just so peaceful: I had Cas in my arms, and my two best friends were spending time with us like this was a normal thing. It was nice. I didn't think life could get any better.

•••

"God bless you, Kate," I said when the four of us went upstairs. I could smell the burgers before we even made it to the kitchen.

"You boys go ahead and help yourself. There's a cake in the fridge when you're done. And Dean, there's a slice of apple pie from the diner for you."

"Kate, you know me well."

She kissed Adam on the forehead. "I'm going to go ahead to bed. I have to get up early for work. Happy birthday, Adam."

"Goodnight, Mom."

She gave us a little wave as she left, looking exhausted. I couldn't imagine everything she did for her son: working long hours at the diner, not seeing him very often, dropping everything to make him dinner and to make him happy.

"Well, I'm starving," Benny announced, being the first to make his plate.

We all sat around the table after we got our food: Cas at my right, Benny to my left, and Adam across from me. Adam's placement gave him the best spot to glare at me for reasons I didn't understand. Whatever he was hearing in my thoughts, he obviously wasn't too happy about it. Cas was the first to finish. He stood up and asked where the bathroom was, giving Adam the perfect opportunity to speak his mind. "How many times are you going to almost kiss that boy?"

"It's not the time or place."

Benny rolled his eyes. "You should just do it."

I stared at Benny incredulously. "Like you can talk."

Adam shook his head, interrupting me. "No, he's asking Meg to homecoming. When did you say?" The glare Benny gave him made me feel bad for Adam. He shrunk back. "Oh... you didn't. Was I not supposed to talk about it?"

"No, you weren't."

_Hm... Homecoming. That gives me an idea...._

 


	13. Dates & Details

○Cas○

**From Dean:**  
**Wear something warm. It might get cold tonight**

**To Dean:**  
**I planned on it**

**To Dean:**  
**But aren't we going to the theaters?**

**From Dean:**  
**I never said that**

**To Dean:**  
**Well, that's not cryptic at all**

**From Dean:**  
**You'll just have to wait and see**

**To Dean:**  
**You know, I hate surprises**

**From Dean:**  
**No you don't**

**To Dean:**  
**No, I don't**

**From Dean:**  
**I'll see you in an hour**

**To Dean:**  
**Why are we going so late?**

**From Dean:**  
**Spoilers**

**To Dean:**  
**You're ridiculous**

**To Dean:**  
**I'll see you later**

I closed my message app, deciding to change from the thin short-sleeved shirt to a thicker long-sleeved one. Whatever we were doing, I had a feeling that I was going to need the warmth.

Right on time, an hour later, Dean was at my door. He was wearing dark jeans and a red hoodie that had **Minotaur Marching Band** written across it in white. He looked down at me, those pretty green eyes almost hidden by his lashes. "You're not mad, are you?"

"Of course not. Why? Did you think I was?" I closed the door, tucking my keys and phone in my pockets.

"I just couldn't tell by your texts."

Dean looked more relaxed and started walking out of the dorms. I fell into step with him. "So, where are we going?"

"To the movies."

"But we're not going to the theaters?"

"Nope."

°°°

"Um... What are we doing here?"

Dean nodded to the garage on the side of the house we were standing in front of. "I have to get my car. Wait here. Just... don't go inside or my family won't leave you alone. I'll be right back."

Dean disappeared into the building, and the next time I saw him, he was pulling out in a beautiful, black car. He stopped beside me and leaned across the seat. "Come on, Cas. We've got a movie to see."

I opened the door and slid into the passenger seat. "Nice car." I fastened my seatbelt, waiting for Dean to drive.

He patted the dashboard, beaming. "This is my baby. She was passed down from my grandfather. Nineteen sixty-seven Chevy Impala. Isn't she beautiful?"

I smiled at him, loving how excited he was about his car. "She is."

We were quiet until Dean turned into the parking lot of a pizzeria. "Do you want to get something to eat?" I nodded. "Good, because I already ordered one to go."

●Dean●

"A drive in?" Cas asked, looking around as I found a place to park.

"Yeah. Have you never been to one before?"

"No, there weren't any in California or Illinois. Well, there used to be, but there weren't any when I lived there." He seemed in awe. "This place is so cool."

"Isn't it? They were thinking about tearing it down a while back, but everyone was protesting. There were generations of families who grew up coming here during summers or the weekends that it was open." I finally found the perfect spot, right in the center near the white screen the movie was about to be projected on. I turned my car off. "They had too many memories here: family movie nights, first dates, first kisses, showing their cars off to their friends, that first time they could stay out all night without their parents. So, turn of the century, everyone pretty much came together and fixed this place up. And it's perfect, don't you think?" Cas nodded, smiling at me in a way that made me blush. I cleared my throat. "Do you want to eat? The first movie should be starting in a few minutes."

"The first?"

"Yeah, Cas. The first one. We'll have to sit through Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children first, but then Blair Witch comes on. For now..." I undid my seatbelt and turned to get the box from the back seat, "pizza."

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you tell me not to go inside your house?"

The question caught me off guard. "It's not like I don't want them to know you or about you. It's just... Jo wouldn't stop making jokes. Sam wouldn't leave you alone; he'd just keep asking you questions. And my mom would try to feed you until you ate a seven course meal. If we had all day, I would've brought you in to meet them properly."

"I just had to know. Here, hand me a slice."

I turned the box to face him, letting him get one. "Daniel's has the best pizza in the world."

"I don't know. There was an amazing pizza place back in Claydon." Cas took a bite and made an interesting noise of approval.

I smirked, though my hands heated up as well. "Good?"

"Fantastic."

So, we sat there for a while, just eating pizza and listening to the radio until the station started playing the previews for the movie. Once we were finished eating, the box was thrown in the back, discarded and forgotten for the moment. And we talked. It was one of those conversations that I wouldn't remember ten years from now or even the next day, but I knew it was one of the most important I'd ever had. I couldn't tell what we talked about afterward, that wasn't relevant, but it was meaningful in that moment. It wasn't big and information filled; rather, it was comfortable and domestic. We talked like we'd spent our who lives together. And it was great. When the movie finally started, Cas reached over to turn the radio to a background noise, claiming he couldn't focus on what I was saying. I watched the way he would talk: the small gestures he would use to accent his words, the broad smile that would decorate his face when he got really excited about something, the look he'd get when he didn't know how to put his thoughts into words. He was so... _real_. Cas wasn't perfect by any means. He had a messed up past, an attitude, a bit of a temper, and trust issues, but he was different than anyone I'd ever met before. I didn't know that it was possible, but I kept finding new things that I loved about Castiel.

 _Oh, just kiss him already_ , a voice in my head told me. _There's no one and nothing to stop you this time. See how he's looking at you? He won't run away now. Cas wants to kiss you too. You want the right time and place. Well, now is perfect; here is perfect._

 _No, not yet. I can't right now_.

Cas pulled his legs to his chest, his hands resting on his ankles. "I don't understand this movie."

"Me either. But we haven't really been watching it."

"Why start now, then?" I almost asked what he meant by that, but he turned to face me, propping his elbow on the back of the seat. The way the light was hitting him took my breath away. "I'd rather talk anyways."

"What about?"

"Anything. You know, I don't think we finished our game."

"I don't think we did either."

○Cas○

The credits rolled to Blair Witch, and I lifted my head from Dean's shoulder. At some point, we resorted to our positions from two nights before: I was pressed against Dean's side, his arm wrapped tightly around me. He softly rubbed my shoulder before stretching. "Is it bad that I'm hungry again? Do you want to get something to eat?"

I laughed. "It's past midnight. Is there anything even open?"

"There's an IHOP close by."

"How can I say no to pancakes?"

°°°

"Are you sure you don't want me to drop you off at campus?" Dean asked for the fourth time.

"If you're going back to the dorms, I want to walk with you. It's late; you shouldn't have to be alone."

"Alright," he said, turning off his car. "Let's go ahead back."

It didn't take long for the chill of the early morning to start biting at my skin. I hugged my arms to my chest, something that didn't go unnoticed by Dean. "Are you cold?"

"A little." He pulled off his hoodie, despite my protests. "I'll be fine."

"I insist. Besides, you know that I don't get cold." Thanking him, I took the hoodie and put it on. It didn't surprise me that it was warm, like a blanket you just pulled from the clothes dryer. Everything about Dean was warm and comforting. Sure, the jacket was a little big on me, but it didn't make the moment any less perfect.

That's why I found myself linking my fingers with Dean's without hesitation. I didn't even know who moved first, maybe it was a mutual thing. Just like I imagined, Dean's hand radiated that same heat that seemed to be the biggest feature with his fire control. We walked through the empty streets that were only lit by lights every twenty feet, a situation that would have been terrifying on my own. Yet, with my hand in Dean's, I couldn't feel anything but calm. We filled the otherwise silent air with conversation, talking about our first football game this Friday. Dean said he was nervous to play as the starting fullback, and I tried to act like I knew anything about football. The extent of my knowledge was that back in Claydon we played the fight song after the team scored and that we had a few songs for when we were winning and a few songs for when we were losing. Other than that, I was kind of lost.

My expression seemed to give me away. Dean grinned. "It's okay, you don't need to know how the sport works. Just... watch for me Friday. I'm number sixty-seven."

I raised an eyebrow. "Like your car?"

"Exactly like my car."

"I'll keep an eye out for you," I told him, slipping my hand out of his so I could open the door to the boys' dorms. Just a minute later, we were standing outside of our doors, neither wanting to leave. "I had a really great time tonight; we should do this again some time."

"We definitely should."

"Just tell me a time and place."

"I know how to reach you." I smiled at how he remembered my words from a few days prior. He pulled me into an unexpected hug, my nose buried in his shoulder. His shirt smelled like laundry detergent and the leather seats of his car, despite only spending a short amount of time in it. When he pulled away, his fingers trailed down my arm, leaving static electricity between my skin and the fabric of my shirt.

I suddenly remembered something, and I tugged at the sleeves of Dean's hoodie. "Here."

Dean held up his hand. "Keep it for a while. I like the way it looks on you." I let go of the fabric, earning a smile from the green-eyed boy in front of me. "Goodnight, Cas. I'll see you around."

"Goodnight."

I barely made it to my bed and took off my shoes before I was unconscious. I'd never slept better than I did that night with Dean's hoodie keeping me warm, that scent of detergent and leather lulling me into peaceful dreams.

 


	14. Posters & Postponements

●Dean●

"Are you nervous?"

Benny scoffed. "No."

"Liar." I waited for him to protest, yet he never did. "She'll say yes, don't worry." Benny stayed quiet, something that was extremely unsettling with my friend. "You never told me what you were doing."

"Well, Lincoln wouldn't let me use old silks to ask with because apparently writing on them is a crime punishable by death with color guard." He absentmindedly did a few quiet sweeps with his drumsticks. "I'm doing the whole cliché thing with a few posters. Cause, you know, I'm over the top and can't settle with only one."

"Are you putting them up now? Is that why you made Mr. Harrison call me out of fourth block to 'set up for practice'?"

"You had practice cancelled for the entire band so you could ask out Cas. I don't think you have the right to talk." I shook my head, a small grin playing on my lips. "Open the gate for me." I walked in front of him, letting him fold his drums up and turn so he would fit through the narrow entrance to the field. "I took everything here during lunch, so we just have to hang them up somewhere. Where do you think?" He slipped off his quads and laid them by the sidelines.

I put my piccolo and lyre beside his drums and went to where Benny was looking around the stadium. "Probably center of the bleachers on the fifty. She'll see it before Jo's podium is pulled into its spot."

He silently nodded. "Okay, grab the tape out of my stick bag."

Benny left to get his posters from the locker room while I found what he asked for. "You're using stick tape?" I asked, holding the roll up as he reached me.

He shrugged. "That's all I had in my room. It's not like anyone is going to see it," he pointed out. "We'll tape it on the back."

"Okay, you line everything up, and I'll tape them."

•••

_Meg, I hope I'm not in **treble** for asking so late, but it seems only **natural** that we'd go together. I know, these puns aren't too **sharp** , so I'll ask **flat** out. Homecoming? -Benny_

"Band puns," I stated as I read the posters we'd finished hanging up.

"I told you, I wanted to use silks. I couldn't come up with anything else." I opened my mouth to ask how this came into play, but he beat me to it. "Google," he explained.

"What else do you have? I saw a bag of stuff over there."

"Meg doesn't like flowers. So," he drew out the word as he pulled a box out of the paper bag, "I got her candy. She was talking about these chocolates that they only had in Wrensville that she missed. She told me these were the only things she missed about Ohio."

"Who knew you were such a romantic?" I teased.

"Shut up. People are coming. Do you think she'll be here soon?"

"I don't know, she's your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Are you sure?" The look he gave me was almost funny. "I'm going to go practice. Good luck." I clapped him on the shoulder as I walked away to get my piccolo. When I joined the growing mass of bodies, I could hear them whispering about Benny and Meg.

She made it to the field within a few minutes, knowing about Benny the second she walked in the gates. I distractedly played through the fight song while I watched them. Meg was holding herself back, trying to hand off her flags to Violet and walk to Benny with some composure. They exchanged a few words which were lost to my ears due to the unsynchronization of the instruments around me. Yet, I could practically hear the sentence roll off Benny's tongue. "So, what do you say?" He gave her the chocolates, and they hugged. I couldn't see their expressions, yet I knew she said yes.

Their happy moment was interrupted by a loud buzzing from Jo's bullhorn that quieted the band. "We're going to spend an hour in sectionals, so everyone needs to work on any moves or parts of the music that need cleaned up. Then, we're going to head back to the school to be fitted for uniforms. Wednesday, we're going to run the show a few times in full uniform. Alright, go ahead and get with your sections."

I walked over to the ten yard line as the rest of my section started gathering in our usual spot. Even from across the field, I could see the smile on Benny's face as he watched Meg spinning her flag. Then, I noticed that Cas was staring at me with that same fascination; somehow, I'd bargain that my grin could rival Benny's.

"Dean?" Mackenzie asked. "What do you think we should start with?"

I snapped out of my reverie, turning back to the girls. "Our runs in Roboto could use some work. And the kamikazes in the drum break are pretty rough."

"Sounds good to me. Okay, everyone! Get into two groups for kamikazes. Here if you go out first; there if you go up first. We'll line you up in a second."

For once, I was glad Mackenzie took the lead: I had other things on my mind.

•••

"So, she said yes. Congrats, dude."

"Thanks. Oh, I've been meaning to ask when you're planning to do whatever you're doing for Cas."

"About that... I'm going to need your help."

○Cas○

It was Wednesday, the day that was becoming my favorite of the week. I had a tutoring session today with Dean. No, I might as well say what it was. It was a study date. And I was looking forward to it. What a strange situation I was in. I was jittery all day, just waiting until practice was over so I could spend time with Dean. I didn't even make it to then before my plans were ruined.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said, looking flustered. "Can I talk to you?"

I laid my saxophone back in its case and took the reed out of my mouth so I could talk. "Of course. What's up?"

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I can't make it tonight; something came up. Could we reschedule or something?"

I felt a pang in my chest, but I didn't let on how disappointed I was. "Yeah, that's fine. Is everything okay?"

"Something just happened with my family." Dean glanced past me. "Listen, I've got to go. I'll see you later." He walked to the door and met with Benny. His friend said something to him, throwing a few confusing looks at me. Dean nodded and gestured for Benny to go. He didn't even look back at me.

_What is going on?_

°°°

I wasn't in a hurry to get back to the band room. In fact, I was one of the last kids to make it there. The room was almost silent as I put up my instrument and returned it to its cage against the back wall with all the other cases. When I turned back to leave, I noticed Charlie was hovering behind my seat in the saxophone section.

"What are you doing here? I thought I saw you leave." My friend was quiet, waiting for the few remaining kids to go. The longer she didn't say anything, the more nervous I got. Then, I noticed she was holding something. "What is that?" I asked.

"I was told to not make a scene of this, so I wanted to wait for them to leave."

"You were told? Who told you to- What?"

"Cas, shut up and let me talk." I closed my mouth and let her continue. She handed me one of the things she was holding: a black envelope that had my name in silver ink. I almost asked who wrote it, because that wasn't Charlie's handwriting, but I didn't want to be scolded again. "You're supposed to read that one and take this one." She held up another envelope, this one was blue, but she didn't give it to me. "You're not supposed to open it, okay?" I nodded. "Go ahead and read the black one."

It was only closed by tucking the top flap inside the envelope, so it opened easily. I unfolded the thick paper and read the handwritten letter that was in the same hand as my name on the envelope.

_Charlie was the first person you met here at Glen Rock, so I felt like she should be the one to start your little scavenger hunt. She made a much better first impression than I did, didn't she? I want you to take the blue envelope she has, but don't open it until I tell you to. Now, go to the place where all of this started. I guess where you could say we hit it off._   
_Dean_

So, it was Dean who wrote the letter. Now that I thought about it, I did recognize his handwriting from our study... dates. I wasn't used to using that word. I looked to Charlie, who only shrugged. "He didn't tell me much. He kept me in the dark as much as possible. Here, take this."

I took the blue envelope from her and studied it. This one didn't have anything written on the outside and was actually sealed. I put it under the black envelope. "Alright. Thanks, Charlie. I guess. I'll see you later."

_Hm. Dean wants me to go to where this all started. I'm guessing that means where we met. Where we hit it off. Is that seriously a pun? Of course, it is. I shouldn't expect anything else from Dean. So, I'm going to the gym. What's the point to this anyways? Why am I going on a scavenger hunt or whatever this is?_

After a few minutes, I was close to the gym. I could see a figure leaning against the wall. At first, I thought it was Dean, but I realized it was Benny once I got closer.

"Hey, Cas," he greeted me. "I hope it's okay that I call you that. Everyone else does."

"Yeah, that's fine. So, why am I here?" He uncrossed his arms and held one hand up, in it was a pair of envelopes. "I should've seen that one coming." Benny gave me the black one which was exactly like the last one.

_Sorry about that pun; it was pretty bad. And yes, I did just use a semicolon. You act like I'm not a straight A student. Where am I going with this? Well, the next place I want you to go is where we had our first little study date of sorts. Oh, and another blue envelope?_   
_Dean_

I rolled my eyes at that. "I suppose you're going to give me that other one now."

Benny gave it to me with a smirk. "I thought I was over the top. I guess Dean doesn't like to be outdone."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. You better get to the next place."

His tone gave me the feeling that this was going to take a while. "Okay. Thanks."

"You don't even know what you're thanking me for."

"No, I don't. But I guess I'll figure it out soon. See you later."

"See you, Cas."

°°°

The library was quiet. It felt like no one was there. Based only on a hunch, I went back to the table Dean and I sat at when Mr. Potter first asked him to tutor me. When I reached it, I saw a small girl with blonde hair sitting where Dean was that day. I couldn't tell who it was until I sat beside her. It was that girl that Benny asked to homecoming on Monday. If I remembered right, her name was Meg.

"Hey there, Cassie. I've got something for you." She slid two envelopes across the table, the same as the last two sets. I put the blue one with my growing stack and opened the black one.

_If you couldn't tell, I'm making you retrace our steps. I want you to relive the path that we've taken in the short time we've known each other. So, where to next on our trip down memory lane? I'm glad you (probably) asked. Maybe there isn't a specific moment tied with this place, but there are plenty of little memories there. You yelled at me there.... Oh, I should narrow that down, huh? I taught you how to use my powers on one end, and we've decided to spend every Wednesday on the other. Yes, I know not today, but still. You better not be opening those other envelopes._   
_Dean_

There better be something good in those blue ones. I had an idea of where I was being sent to next. Dean taught me to control his powers in my room, and we studied in his. He wanted me to go to the dorms.

"I've got to go."

I stood and gathered my things, wishing I had a bag or at least some bigger pockets to put it all in. Meg leaned on her hand as she watched me. "Bye, Clearance."

I stopped, frowning. "My name's not Clearance."

She laughed. "I know." That's all she said. I left feeling very confused and a little uncomfortable.

°°°

I almost expected someone to be standing outside the dorms when I got there. Instead, there wasn't anyone. Even the commons was empty. I made up my mind that someone would be at one of our rooms. Maybe Adam was waiting inside ours. My first guess was right: Kevin was standing awkwardly by my door. We went through the, admittedly, tedious process before I could read my next letter.

_I couldn't have anyone go in either of our rooms, so this is the best I could do. I'm working with what I've got, okay? I'd tell you to relive all the great moments we've had in that hallway, but I don't think you want to relive yelling. (Alright, I'll stop. You know I love teasing you.) Next, I want you to take a little walk and go to where we had our first real date. Go sit under those big oak trees and just enjoy how beautiful it is. Whenever you're ready, take the next envelopes._   
_Dean_

_I guess I'm taking a walk._

°°°

Jo was already sitting in the shade of the trees. I joined her and did as Dean said. I was enjoying the view when Jo spoke up.

"I'm glad Dean took you here. We all used to have so much fun in this park. I'm not sure what happened, but we just stopped coming at some point. I still remember how much Dean cried when he was climbing on one of those trees back there and broke his foot. Man, he's such a baby." She huffed out a laugh. "But he's sweet. Here."

I opened the next envelope, wondering how many more places Dean could possibly send me to.

_Now, I hope you remember where we spent last Thursday. I've never been so happy as when you agreed to go on another date with me. Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. If you can't remember the way, I'm sure your roommate could help you out._   
_Dean_

He was seriously going to make me walk to Adam's house. I didn't think Jo knew where I was going, but she seemed to see how exhausted I was. I just wanted to open these envelopes and possibly punch Dean for making me walk everywhere.

°°°

"Thanks, Adam," I muttered.

_We're almost done, Cas. Just a few more to go. Don't worry, I'm not going to make you walk to where we went on Friday night, but I am going to have you go to a place that is related to it. I saw a movie that night with a gorgeous guy in a gorgeous car, so let's go to where that car is parked. I told you, I'm working with what I've got. You remember where I live? Well, your next envelopes are waiting there._   
_Dean_

_Yeah, I might just kill Dean Winchester._

°°°

A boy was standing outside the fence at Dean's house. He had a slight resemblance to Dean, but he was shorter and had longer hair.

"Are you Cas?"

"Yes."

"I'm Sam, Dean's brother. I'm supposed to give these to you."

"Thank you." He gave me a black envelope like before, but he had a white one rather than a blue one to join it. I didn't question it since I knew everything would make sense eventually.

_You know, this wasn't how I wanted you to meet my brother. But, hey, whatever. Isn't he cute? I hope he's not talking your ear off, because he never shuts up. He's kind of like me. Anyways... Congrats, Cas. This is the final stop... kind of. The last place I want you to go doesn't have a connection with us, but I still want you to go there. From my window in the dorms, I can see the garden with all the flowers and the fountain in the center. Every time I look outside, all I can think about is you. Is that a little cheesy? Maybe. Is it true? Absolutely. So, go to that garden in between the high school dorms, and there will be a surprise for you._   
_Dean_

"Do you know what all of this is about?" Sam shook his head. "Well, your brother is driving me insane."

"You drive him crazy too, but in a good way."

The blatant honesty from the kid made a blush rise to my cheeks. I didn't know how to respond, so I decided to say goodbye and get to the bottom of what all of this was about.

°°°

The garden was beautiful. I wished I could see it from my room, but I was on the other side of the building. In the center was a large fountain, a fountain that Dean had propped a black envelope on.

_Surprise, it's another envelope! Before you hate me for sending you all over Glen Rock, finish reading this. You are standing in one of the most beautiful places on campus. I just want to tell you that it doesn't compare to you. I want it in writing that I care about you more than I can express. You are amazing, and I'm incredibly lucky to get the chance to know you. Yes, I could have told you all of this in person, but those memories might not stay with you. I wanted you to always look back on this moment and hear my words again. No matter what happens with us in the future, I want you to have something tangible that showed how much you mean to me. But that's not all. Did you think it was? Those blue envelopes that I told you not to open? It's time to open them. Start with the last one you got, the white one. It'll explain everything._   
_Dean_

I couldn't help but smile. That idiot. He had me going on a wild goose chase so he could tell me that I meant a lot to him, that he cared about me. I couldn't even be mad because it was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me. Once I composed myself, I opened the white envelope.

_I promise this is the end, okay? Open all the blue envelopes and put the pieces together. I think you might be interested in what they say._   
_Dean_

I expected something longer. I expected something that would make sense of everything. I figured he would explain why he sent me on a trip down memory lane or randomly confessed his feelings for me. Yet, I didn't get that.

So, I sat on the edge of the fountain and slid my finger under the flap of the first envelope, breaking the seal. All that it had was a piece of paper that said **l y o** on it. _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_ I was very frustrated, so I tore into the remaining envelopes. I ended up with six slips of paper that had cryptic letters on them.

**l y o**   
**t o**   
**w i t**   
**w i l**   
**u g o**   
**h m e ?**

All that was left to do was make sense of whatever this was. _Yep, I was going to punch him._

●Dean●

I waited for Cas to piece everything together from the entrance to the garden. So far, he just seemed frustrated. If he didn't seem so mad, it'd be adorable. _Oh, who am I kidding? It is_. Every once in a while, I could hear Cas trying to figure out what the cards said. Finally, he muttered under his breath, just loud enough for me to hear him in the quiet evening, "Will you go to with me? Go where? What is that supposed to mean?"

I almost laughed, but I had to control myself. I snapped my fingers, igniting the dozens of candles I planted around the concrete walkway that surrounded the fountain. I'd spent all week perfecting that trick for this very moment. The sudden brightness startled Cas, and he almost dropped the piece of paper that he was holding into the water. He looked up as I was nearing him.

"Dean?" Cas said breathlessly.

"You're not going to figure that out."

"What?"

"You can't. Not without all of the pieces." I pulled the red envelope that I'd kept out of my pocket and let him take it. I watched as he opened it, my heart almost deafening me. Cas's blue eyes widened once he read the last slip. I didn't know what he was going to do or say, but I didn't think it would be launching himself at me. He tackled me into a hug that almost knocked me off my feet. In his haste, he let the paper flutter onto the fountain, the word readable from here. **Homecoming**.

"You didn't have to do all of this," Cas told me, pulling away. "You could've just asked."

"You deserved better than that. You deserve more than a text or a meaningless conversation, more than an idea I took from Google or Pintrest. You deserve something real and genuine and from the heart. I know it's not that great, but I meant every word I wrote. You are _amazing_ , Cas. Oh, and sorry about lying earlier when I cancelled on you."

"No, don't be. This is... the best thing anyone's ever done for me. It is perfect." He laughed, sending butterflies fluttering in my stomach. "You know, I wanted to punch you earlier, but now... I could kiss you."

Those words sent chills up my spine and made my palms warm up. _Did that sentence just come out of his mouth? Did he just say that he wanted to kiss me?_ "Can I take that as a yes then?"

"Absolutely."

I wrapped my arms around him one more time, letting the moment catch up to me. Here I was, standing in a candlelit garden with Cas in my embrace. No one was there to interrupt us, and the only sound was the gentle gurgling of the fountain. Cas was right: this was perfect. He made it perfect. I was falling so hard for Castiel Novak, and he might just be falling himself. It was still sinking in as to what just happened. I asked Cas to go to homecoming with me.

And he said yes.

 


	15. Friday Nights & Football

○Cas○

Things were different after that. Who would've guessed that such a simple thing as Dean asking me to a dance would change so much? He looked so happy throughout school the next day, and he seemed to melt a little every time our eyes met. I grew used to seeing that amazing shade of green each time I looked up. I couldn't help the butterflies that were released every time it happened either. My body seemed to react without permission: my heartbeat speeding, my cheeks growing warm, my hands sparking. I absolutely loved it. I loved feeling this way again.

I'd do just about anything at that point to feel that way and to see Dean happy. So, this morning, I texted him as soon as I got up and told him good morning. Dean responded quite quickly, and we talked a bit before I got to what I really texted him about.

**To Dean:**   
**Do you want to walk to school together? And maybe get some coffee?**

I thought he wasn't going to answer, but a text came in after a few minutes.

**From Dean:**   
**Yeah. I'm ready whenever you are**

I finished getting ready and went next door. The following half an hour was filled with laughter and a couple dozen topics that circled back to tonight's game.

"I haven't been to Oregon since freshman year when we played against Maxwell High."

"Before the game, I've got to take you to this place that has the best cupcakes I've ever had. Maxwell is famous for them." He sighed, taking a long drink of coffee. "Every _paratas_ town is known for something: Maxwell has its cupcakes, we have probably the best educational system in the country, apparently Ohio has chocolate. What did California have?"

"You haven't lived until you've seen the sun set over the ocean. There's this one spot on the beach that we would go to where the water looks like it's aflame, and the whole sky turns this gorgeous orange."

"We?" Dean questioned after another drink.

I didn't realize I said that. Levi and I used to go there all the time before everything happened. "My family," I lied. Dean seemed to believe me.

The topic changed quickly, yet it wasn't an awkward transition. We talked until our coffees were gone and we had to get to first block. As we walked together, it seemed like everyone we passed stared at us. I could practically hear the thoughts forming in their minds, thoughts about me and Dean. They were wondering if we were dating. They were wanting to know the story behind everything. They were wanting to know how we went from me hating him to walking so intimately together. I could practically see the question marks over their heads. Well, I was going to let them keep wondering.

●Dean●

Cas caught me on my way out of fourth block, questioning me about the game. "Go ahead and change. I've got some stuff I have to do at the field, then I can meet you in the band room in about an hour."

When I got to the football field, Benny was waiting. "How do you always beat me here? Calculus is, like, twenty feet closer to the doors than Anatomy."

"Maybe because I can actually focus around the person I like. I can see the way you move when he's in the room; you walk slower like you're waiting for him to stop you. You'd actually get things done if he didn't take over your head every time you saw him."

"Okay, Sherlock. I didn't come here for you to analyze everything I do. Are you going to help me out or not?"

Benny rolled his eyes, yet he was grinning. We had to get all of the uniforms and equipment to the portal office, conveniently located right off campus. Lucky for us, the trip wasn't too long, and Dad left me the keys to the ATV at the field. Soon enough, we were finished, meaning I could get back to my room to change out of my school uniform. I didn't put much thought into what I was wearing; I was going to have to change again in two hours anyways. I ended up in a pair of faded jeans and this year's marching band shirt.

I heard voices from inside the band room as I neared the door. They sounded almost like Cas and Jo. I pushed open the door to find that my guess was right. My sister and... whatever Cas was to me were talking.

"Don't be ridiculous, Jo. You look great."

"You don't think they're too short? I feel like they are."

"No, they're fine. Put on the jacket."

I didn't know what type of conversation I walked into. Then, everything made sense. Jo was standing in front of Cas and was wearing her field commander uniform. She'd been complaining about the length of her overalls all week. And I had to admit, as her older brother, I thought they were too short. Jo was buttoning up the last silver button on her jacket when I walked in. I whistled, almost making Jo snap the button off and Cas fall out of- Was that my chair he was sitting in? Surely, that was a coincidence. He just sat in the first chair, right?

"I haven't gotten a chance to see you in uniform yet. You look amazing." And she did. Mr. Harrison had a new uniform designed for Jo, and it turned out really well. Her overalls were completely white and ended halfway up her thighs. Her jacket was half white and half red, split diagonally from her right shoulder by a silver line. She wasn't wearing her white boots or the red headband she had, mostly because I knew she hated them. I walked over to her, kissed her on the temple, and sat down by Cas.

"So, what's going on?"

"Mr. Harrison just wanted me to try everything on before tonight. Cas was keeping me company until you got here. I went ahead and got your picc for you. You don't have to worry about uniforms. Just leave your instruments with Rufus, and I'll bring them over."

"Thanks, Jo. I don't know what I would do without you."

Cas stood up. "I'll be right back." He went to the back of the room, opening one of the cubbies and getting his saxophone.

Jo played with the red cape that was attached to her shoulder. "I like him."

"Me too," I sighed.

•••

"Dean, you're back! I haven't seen you in weeks, and you've come by twice today. What's the occasion?"

"Big football game tonight. The first of the season."

I held open the door for Cas before stepping into the small building. One biege wall was filled with mailboxes that were right beside a large bin a few feet off the ground. As I watched, a blue, swirling portal appeared over the bin and a box tumbled out of it.

Rufus swore under his breath. "I hope nothing was breakable in there. Damn newbie in Kansas is making me stress about my apprentice that I don't even have yet." He shook his head. "I'm guessing you two are heading to the game. Where is it?"

"Maxwell. We wanted to come early and beat the rush."

"Couldn't just wait until I got a portal for the band or the football team, could you? Why make my life any easier? If I didn't owe your dad a favor, I'd charge you extra for being a pain in the ass."

I laughed. "You owe my dad quite a few favors, Rufus. But sorry we're actually making you work."

"Why couldn't I have dimensional control? Annie just sits next door in case the town needs fixed or expanded. She gets it easy, and I have to deal with you," he complained.

"Make us a portal, then you won't have to anymore." Rufus grumbled to himself, but moved to the bare wall next to his desk. He slowly waved his hands, and a pale yellow portal emerged from nothing. Cas still looked stunned by my exchange with Rufus. I took his saxophone out of his hand, gaining his attention. "I'll take care of this. Go ahead through."

He nodded and stepped into the swirling vortex. I watched him disappear before I put our cases and music behind Rufus's desk. It was my turn to go through the portal. "Tell Jo our stuff is here, okay?"

"Sure. Who is that kid? I recognize him from somewhere."

"He's a friend." Even Rufus could see that we were more than that, yet he didn't call me out on it. "Castiel Novak. He's new to Glen Rock."

"Novak. Ah! He's the one who came in with two of the older Novaks: Lucius and Gabriel. That poor kid. Is your family coming to the game?"

"Yeah."

"I'll have to come over and watch. But you better get through; that boy's going to be wondering where you are."

Rufus was right. I closed the distance between me and the portal, taking a deep breath before I hit it. This was something that I always hated and couldn't ever get used to. I've traveled through portals hundreds of times in my life, yet the feeling never settled with me. Sometimes, I wished we could just drive to other towns like the _debilis_. It wouldn't be too hard. All of the _paratas_ with dimensional control would just have to clear out the thick forests that separate the towns and make some roads. But I guess it's easier to use portals to travel across the dimension that overlaps the _debilis_ world.

The odd feeling of the portal brought me back to reality. It was like I just stepped into a pool that was just a few degrees under room temperature, but I wasn't getting wet. I had to push myself to take the next few steps that would bring me to the other side in Maxwell. When I reached the end of the yellow nothingness, the first thing I saw was Cas. He almost looked worried, though that look melted into a smile when he saw me.

"Did you get lost?"

I rolled my shoulders, trying to shrug off the uneasiness. "They should really put up some signs." Cas laughed, the sound making me forget all about travelling through the portal. "Come on, let's go." I took his hand and pulled him out the door. At first, he was hesitant, but he didn't resist. By the time we got to the bakery, any signs of Cas being uncomfortable or tense were long gone.

•••

I laughed as Cas's eyes widened. "Oh my God." He licked the chocolate frosting from his lip. "You weren't joking."

"And that's just a chocolate one. When you're done, I want you to try a s'mores one. They're chocolate with marshmallow frosting, graham cracker crumbs, and a square of chocolate. That's my favorite thing they have here."

Ten minutes later, I was back at our table with two cupcakes. And let me say, Cas's response was priceless. "Why do we not have these in South Dakota? Why doesn't Claydon have these? Forget school or sunsets, I want these cupcakes. Mm. I'm getting, like, six of these before I leave."

"I told you they were good."

•••

After we finished eating, Cas and I walked around Maxwell until it was time for us to get ready for the game. I went to the band room with him to get my piccolo and uniform so I could bring them to the field. Our band was already with Maxwell's, the red, white, yellow, and black blending together in the room. Cas and I found our things by my sister who was talking to a familiar face.

"Lisa? I haven't seen you in forever."

She pulled me into a hug. "Yeah. We haven't talked since that baseball game back in March. Oh, I heard about you and Blake; I'm sorry."

"It's fine, really." It was more than awkward for Lisa to bring up my ex in front of Cas. I hadn't really said much about Blake, just that he and I were together for a while.

"Well, I had to hear it from rumors and then Jo rather than you. You kind of suck at keeping in touch with people. Did you know that?"

I shrugged. "Sorry, Lis, I've been busy." Jo caught my eye, looking amused by something. What was so funny? "Well, I've got to go. Dad'll be on my case all week if I'm late. Bye Jo. Bye Lisa." I turned my attention back to Cas who looked pissed. I didn't understand why. "I'll see you after the game, okay?"

"Of course. Good luck." Then, he kissed me on the cheek. He smiled at Jo before glaring at Lisa and walking off. My sister was trying not to laugh.

_What just happened?_

•••

**From Jo:**   
**Cas was so jealous**

**To Jo:**   
**No he wasn't**

**From Jo:**   
**Are you blind? Because I know you're not that stupid**

**From Jo:**   
**Did you not see his face while you were talking to Lisa? And what was up with that kiss?**

**To Jo:**   
**It was just a kiss on the cheek**

**From Jo:**   
**You and I both know that it wasn't**

**From Jo:**   
**Dean I'm looking at him right now. He's seething**

**From Jo:**   
**You should talk to him**

**To Jo:**   
**I will when he gets to the field**

•••

We were warming up when we heard our fight song being played as the band marched to the field.

Benny groaned beside me. "I can hear how sloppily Josiah is playing. I wish he would've stayed on bass."

I didn't respond to him; I was too busy looking for Cas as the band came to a stop on the track. Mr. Harrison dismissed everyone, and Zayn clicked his drumsticks on the rim of his snare three times to release the drumline. I kept my eyes on Cas as he joined Charlie and Kevin near the visitors' bleachers.

Benny rolled his eyes. "Go. If we need you, I'll come get you."

"Thanks." I jogged over to Cas, who still looked angry. He was saying something to his friends that none of them seemed happy about. "Hey, Cas. Can I talk to you?"

Kevin glanced between me and Cas. "We'll give you a few minutes. Come on, Charlie." The redhead obviously didn't want to leave us alone. I had my suspicions that it was because of whatever Cas was telling them.

Cas crossed his arms over his chest, his saxophone swinging to the side. "Are you sure you don't want to talk to Lisa? She's been looking for you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You two just seem awful close."

I sighed. "I met Lisa freshman year, and we talk once every, like, four months. Are- Are you jealous?"

"No, of course not."

I grabbed his arm and brought him away from the crowd. Once we were somewhere quiet, I pushed up his hat so I could see his face better. "There is nothing going on with me and Lisa."

"Does _she_ know that?"

"If I wanted to be with Lisa, do you think I'd be here right now? I've known her for years, and I've never wanted to be anything more than acquaintances. That's not going to change anytime soon." I gently touched his cheek, surprised when he didn't move away. "I want to be with you, Cas. You don't have to worry about Lisa. You don't have to worry about _anyone_."

"I think you have to go."

My heart dropped, and the air was trapped in my lungs. "What?" The question came out close to a breathy whisper.

"The other football players are leaving the field. I think that's Benny coming over here."

"Oh. Yeah, okay. I'll see you later then." I started to go, but stopped and faced him again. "Cas, are we okay?"

"Do you want us to be?"

I almost laughed. "Sometimes I think you don't listen to a word I say. Of course I want us to be okay."

"Me too. I'll talk to you after the game."

That made me feel better, enough for me to walk away. Now, I could actually focus on what I was about to do. I wasn't going to ruin the game for my team because I was worried about my relationship. Relationship? Yeah, okay. I guess I could call it that.

"Oh, and Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be watching for you."

○Cas○

I knew absolutely nothing about football. In the beginning, I was just watching for Dean and hoping that whatever he was doing was good. And that he didn't get hurt. About twenty minutes into the game, I felt someone tap on my shoulder.

I turned to find one of the guys from the trombone section staring at me, his deep brown eyes wide. His hat was discarded to reveal thick, curly ginger hair, and he had more freckles than Dean. "You look confused."

"Is it that obvious?"

He laid his instrument on the bleachers and moved beside me, offering his hand. "My name's Harrison Lowe. We have AP _Paratas_ together."

"Yeah, we do. Castiel Novak," I said as an introduction as I shook his hand. "You're the boy who has invisibility and voice manipulation, right?"

He nodded. "Do you want me to explain what's going on?"

"Please."

°°°

Before I knew it, it was halftime, and we were lined up behind the field goal. Mr. Harrison was standing with Jo, telling us what was about to happen. "Since tonight's the first game, Maxwell wanted to perform first. Usually, that would be us, but I was willing to let them have this. Besides, if I didn't, I don't think Mr. Winchester would be ready. Thanks for joining us."

Dean grinned, making his way to the front of the band with the other flutes and piccolos. He slipped his hat on. "Sorry 'bout that. Not all of us can get changed in under a second like Benny."

"Like I was saying, we're going on after Maxwell, and we're not playing Don't You Forget About Me." There were a few mutterings of disapproval. "I know, but it's not ready to perform yet. I'd rather start out the season with a strong show and make it even better. Now, let's go show those Honeybees what the Minotaurs are made of."

I almost jumped when Dean appeared at my elbow. "Break a leg," he whispered in my ear. Before I could return the sentiment, he was back in his place with his section.

About halfway through their show, we walked to the sidelines and watched from there. Then, Jo marched onto the field, called us up, and it was time to start the show.

°°°

For the last ten minutes of the game, we were tied. Our whole band, and I'm sure the crowd as well, was on the edge of their seats, hoping for one more point to push us to a win. It seemed like it would never come. Finally, in the last minute, Glen Rock scored a touchdown. We won. Just barely, but we still won. The stands went crazy, and we started up the fight song. The sound of our victory rang clearly in the otherwise silent night. _Man, I missed this_.

I hadn't witnessed a crowd this excited since Claydon won the championships last year. Somehow, I think Glen Rock had them beat. Dean was ecstatic. He was still on the field, yet I could see his face that was lit up like a Christmas tree.

He ran up to the bleachers, leaving the celebration behind. "Hey, will you wait for me for a few minutes?"

"Of course. You finish up here while I get my stuff from the band room. I'll meet you by the gates when you're done."

"You're the best, Cas."

"Go have fun." I didn't have to tell him twice.

I pulled Dean's uniform from where it was hanging on the railing and folded it over my arm. Before I made it through the gates, Harrison was at my side. "So, are you and Dean a thing?"

"What?"

"I don't mean to pry. It's just... I saw the way you two were looking at each other a minute ago, and I've never seen anyone want to learn about football so much."

What were we? Dean and I were more than friends, that's for sure, but I didn't know beyond that. Yes, we went on a few dates, but it wasn't like we were dating. We were going to homecoming together. So... what were we?

"I guess you could say that. Unofficially, yes. I think. It's-"

"Complicated?"

"Definitely."

°°°

Dean and I walked to the portal office together, our free hands linked between us. "So, I have a question."

I looked up at him, trying to decipher his expression. "Okay. What is it?"

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"Let's go somewhere and do something."

"Like a date?"

I could actually feel the warmth rush to Dean's hand. "Exactly like a date. What do say?"

"Is it a surprise again?"

"Absolutely."

"Then, I'm in."

 


	16. Secrets & Snowflakes

●Dean●

" _Hello?_ "

"Jo? Did I wake you up?"

I waited for her to answer, but the only sound that came from my phone for a while was a long yawn. " _Yeah. It's not even seven yet. Why are you up?_ "

"I didn't sleep much last night. I couldn't stop thinking about today. I might have asked Cas on another date. Like, in a few hours."

" _And you have no idea what you're doing, do you?_ " She laughed, seeming to wake up a little.

"Jo, this isn't funny. I need help."

" _Stop whining_." My sister sighed, and it sounded like she sat up in her bed. " _You really need to start thinking this stuff out. Well, what does he like to do?_ "

I tried to pull out information from the many conversations we had. "Um... He likes Marvel and Disney and musicals. He went to the beach all the time in California, and his band took them to _debilis_ amusement parks. He said he liked those, but that's not really a last minute thing. Cas talks a lot about his little sister and all the things they did together like roller blading and cooking and going to see plays. I don't think there's any type of food he doesn't like. I don't know. Does any of that help, Jo?"

" _Actually... yes. I've got a few ideas_."

•••

**To Cas:**   
**Do you want to get lunch?**

**From Cas:**   
**Yeah. Where did you have in mind?**

**To Cas:**   
**Adam told me you guys went to his mom's for breakfast one day. The lunch there is even better. We can go if you want**

**To Cas:**   
**Plus I really want some pie**

**From Cas:**   
**I'm starting to think you have an addiction**

**To Cas:**   
**Maybe I do**

**To Cas:**   
**Can you meet me in front of the admissions building at noon?**

**From Cas:**   
**That works**

**To Cas:**   
**Oh, and what size shoe do you wear?**

○Cas○

I stood at the edge of campus, tugging the ends of my sweater's sleeves. The wind was biting through to my skin and was drying out my contacts. I blinked a few times, hugging my arms to my chest. Dean told me to wait for him, but I'd been there for almost ten minutes and he hadn't shown yet. I was tempted to leave, to just go back to my room and spend the rest of the day on Netflix. Then, a black car stopped in front of me. Dean leaned over, grinning like a madman. I opened the passenger door and slid into the seat.

"Sorry, I was late. You don't understand how hard it is to leave my house on time. My mom has to made a big deal out of every time I come home."

"I was worried that you were going to forget," I admitted, fastening my seatbelt.

"I wouldn't dare." Dean winked at me and started driving. Unable to control the blush spreading across my face, I turned to look out the window.

"So, why are we taking your car? We could've just walked."

Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "Well, after lunch, we're heading pretty far into Glen Rock. I definitely don't want to walk there."

"Oh."

We lapsed into a comfortable quiet that was only broken when Dean turned on the radio. I gave him an amused look and went back to watching the town fly by as we drove. Dean was singing along softly to the music, tapping his fingers to the beat. I couldn't help but smile.

Finally, we pulled into the diner's parking lot, and Dean turned off the car. "Come on, I'm hungry."

I laughed, facing Dean again. "Are you ever not hungry?"

"Nope."

°°°

"What's going on inside that pretty little head of yours?"

I raised an eyebrow at Dean. "I'm just thinking. Isn't homecoming next week?"

Dean frowned. "Um... yes?"

I rubbed the side of my face. "That means I have to go home this week. And I'm going to have to explain that we're going together, and my mom and sister are going to want to know everything. Like, _everything_. They're going to ask about the theme and when it is and how you asked me and what colors we're wearing and everything I know about you. My parents are going to want us to go to California before the dance so they can get pictures. Oh my God, my parents are going to want to meet you; my dad is going to give you the third degree."

Dean reached across the table to touch my hand. I stopped talking immediately. "That's fine, Cas. Tell them about the Around the World theme and what we're doing. You know, after we figure out what we're doing. We can go down hours before dinner so they can take as many pictures as they want and ask me everything they want to know. I'll talk to your dad as long as he likes. You don't have to stress about it. Everything will be fine."

"You're right, it's just... I don't know if I'm ready to go back home. I've missed it so much, but it's so loud." I put my head in my hands. "And there's so much that I don't want to think about there."

"It'll just be for a couple hours, right?" I nodded. "Well, you won't have to worry. I'm sure your hands will be full with shopping and explaining everything to your family. But if it gets to be too much, you have my number. You could always call or text me to get your mind off things." He took a long drink of his Coke, his eyes drifting to the wooden table. "We really should decide what we're doing, though."

"Any ideas?"

°°°

Once we were done with our food, Dean was even more excited. I didn't try to ask what we were doing; I'd learned that it was better to just let things happen the way Dean was planning. Then, Dean pulled off the side of the road and parked in the small grassy area beside the edge of the forest. Before I could even give him a questioning look, he was jumping out of the car and opening my door.

I got out slowly, wondering what we were doing on the side of the road. Dean took my hand, leading me away from the car and Glen Rock. I didn't like the forest; I lived in California where the wilderness was basically just the ocean. Sure, the edges of Claydon led to the same thick trees that we were walking into, but I'd never gone into them before. Honestly, I was terrified.

"Where are we going?" I asked, panic rising to my voice.

Dean kept pulling me towards the line of trees, grinning like crazy. "You'll see."

That didn't really make me feel better. We slipped into the forest, and after a moment, I realized we were on a small path. It looked like it was worn away by footfall, yet no one had gone this way in years. It occurred to me that we could die right now and no one would know. Who knew what was out here in the forest? Hell, Dean could kill me. We were walking into the forest at the edge of town, and no one knew we were there. It wouldn't take much for Dean to overpower me, with or without his strength. How much did I know Dean anyways? I'd only been going to the school for about a month and a half, and we only started talking about a month ago. Everything people said about Dean could be true; I could be the first person he turned against. This could be it.

A million thoughts flooded my mind as Dean continued to drag me further into the trees. My heart was racing when the branches began to block the sunlight. I tried to control the lightning that was threatening to jump from my hands, though I was unable to stop a few sparks. Dean glanced back at me, worried. I tried to give him a convincing smile, and I guess it worked because he went back to leading down the trail. Fear still bubbled inside me.

That all melted away, though, when we reached our destination. I felt stupid. We were at a large clearing, patches of multicolored wildflowers growing near the edge. A clear, glassy lake was nestled close to the center; the sun was glancing off the surface of the water to make it even more beautiful.

"Wow," I breathed.

Dean squeezed my hand and nodded to the lake. We went to the edge, seeing our images reflected perfectly back to us. I kept my eyes on us while Dean talked, noticing that his own gaze never left me. "Not many people know about this lake. I guess whenever the _paratas_ created our mirror dimension, it was copied from the _debilis_ world. People tend to stay out of the forest-"

"I don't blame them," I added.

Dean smiled. "Well, this place is pretty quiet because of that." He let go of my hand, and I looked up at the loss of contact. "I'll be right back; I've got a surprise for you."

I figured protesting wouldn't get me anywhere, so I let him go and sat at the edge of the water. The water rippled as I maneuvered the wind, my hair tousling in the process. I tried to tell myself that this place didn't scare the hell out of me, but I couldn't ignore the fact that I just felt safer with Dean around.

●Dean●

I shifted the bag into my left hand, brushing aside a branch as I neared the clearing. Cas jumped and turned around quickly, easing once he saw me.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, you just scared me. What's in the bag?"

"Your surprise. Now, come here." I held out my hand, which he took, and led him a few feet from the lake. I gave him the bag. "Go ahead."

I watched as he frowned and pulled out one of the skates. "Are these-"

"Ice skates? Yes."

"Dean, you do realize there has to be _ice_ to ice skate, right?"

"I am aware, yes," I laughed. "And you do realize that I can control water, right?" I raised an eyebrow before turning to the lake and kneeling at the edge. My fingers brushed against the surface as a chill ran down my arm. Before my eyes, the water began freezing, spreading from my fingertips in a wide arc. I willed the ice to move out as well as down, not stopping until it was half a foot thick, at least. When I looked back to Cas, he was standing about a yard from me, his mouth forming a small circle in awe. "What do you say?"

Cas moved to me, handing me the black pair of skates and keeping the white ones. "This is why you wanted to know what size shoe I wear."

"Yeah. I'm just glad my parents were saving my old skates for Sam." I switched my Converse for the ice skates and moved onto the frozen lake. "Are you coming?"

Cas didn't answer; rather, he followed my lead and put on my old skates. "I've never been ice skating before. Don't laugh."

He was hesitant to get on the ice. "I'm not going to laugh. Just... take my hand." He stepped onto the lake, slowly at first like he was afraid it would break under his foot. When he was sure the surface was stable, he slid towards me. Unfortunately, or should I say fortunately, he couldn't stop, and he collided into me. I steadied him, my arms around his waist. "For someone who's never been ice skating before, you've done good so far. But we've got to work on your stopping."

"Dean, it was two feet. Stop acting like I just won gold in the Olympics." I released him from my grip but laced my fingers with his right after. I gently tugged on his arm to get him to move with me. Jo was right; all that rollerblading made him a natural. "So, why ice skating?"

"Well, who wants to go ice skating when it's cold?"

"What, do you do this often?"

"Oh, yeah. This is always the third date." One look at Cas told me that probably wasn't the best thing to say. He actually believed me. I slid to a stop in front of him. "Cas, I'm joking. Besides my little brother, you're the only guy I've ever brought here. You're the only person I've ever been skating with who isn't in my family." Cas pursed his lips, pink dusting his cheeks. "You know, you're really cute when you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous," he huffed. I smirked at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Maybe a little."

"Cas," I said with a small chuckle, tilting his face so he would meet my eyes, "you don't have to worry. There's nowhere that I'd rather be than right here and no one that I'd rather be with than you. Now, come here." Without much more of a warning, I pulled him towards me as I started moving myself.

He shook his head, but he followed me as I skated backwards. "Showoff."

•••

"What's the weirdest thing that's happened in my house? Well, we thought Jo was going crazy for a while. When she was younger, she used to tell us what our dog was saying and would have actual conversations with him. Our parents thought this was just a kid thing, but she kept doing it. One day when we were about fourteen, our mom caught her talking to a robin outside and sat her down to see if she was okay. It turned out that she can just communicate with animals. One time, I walked downstairs to see Jo's hand stuck in the side of the refrigerator. I guess she was too lazy to actually open the door, so she phased through the side and couldn't get out. She had to stay like that for almost two hours. Sam decided to turn invisible during one of our games of hide-and-seek when we were all pretty little, and we couldn't find him for three hours because he took a nap under my bed."

"At least, he hasn't walked into a room and accidentally became visible while he wasn't wearing clothes." He paused, his tongue poking out from his lips. "Actually, now that I think about it, that girl never came back to our house while she was dating Michael."

"Yeah, you beat me. Tell me more about your family. I feel like I should know a little more than their names before I meet them."

"Well, my parents are Chuck and Naomi. They can control weather and plants, respectively. They were high school sweethearts back in Maryland and moved to Illinois after Michael was born. They somehow haven't lost their minds between all of us, though I wouldn't blame them if they did. Michael is the oldest, and he can control people by talking to them. Next, is Lucius, who we call Luce, who has invisibility. Then, Gabriel, or Gabe, who can control people's emotions and sight. Me. Then, the twins, Ezekiel and Gadreel. They're twelve, but they're extremely powerful for their age. Ezekiel has precognition, so he can see the future, and Gadreel has retrocognition, so he can see the past. Anna just got her powers last year, so all she can do now is talk to bees and grow flowers. We're not too sure what will happen with her. Lastly is Samandriel. He's the baby of our family and hasn't shown any signs of powers yet. We call him Alfie; it's short for Alfred. Samandriel Alfred Novak. I think my parents were getting desperate for creative names at that point."

"What's your middle name?"

Cas laughed. "After all that, your only question is about my middle name?" He sighed, looking down at his feet as he skated over a rough patch we wore into the ice. "James. People tried to call me Jimmy for a while, but I didn't like it. What about you?"

I repeated his name to myself a few times before I answered. _Castiel James. Castiel James Novak. I like it._ "Ross." Cas smiled to himself, and it felt like his hand tightened around mine. "I actually can't wait to meet them. Even the ones you've warned me about."

"Michael, Luce, and Gabe won't be there next weekend."

"I hope I can still meet them another time," I said softly. "You know, if you still want me around."

"Why wouldn't I want you around?"

I shrugged. "I guess that depends on how you respond." He gave me a questioning look, but I kept talking. "I've been thinking, probably more than I should. Hell, I barely got any sleep because of it, because I was thinking about you. You and me and _us_. What are we to you, Cas?"

"I- I don't know."

"See, I don't know either. I want to, though. I don't care about labels or anything, but I want to know what we are. I want to know where we stand and what all of this means." I squeezed his hand, yet he didn't respond. "Do you want to be more than _I don't knows_ and _it's complicated_?"

Cas's skates knocked into each other, almost sending him tumbling. I caught him, looking into his bright blue eyes as he clutched onto my arms. "Are you okay?"

"What?"

"I asked if you were okay."

"No, I heard you. I'm fine. Repeat what you said before that."

I pressed my lips together, my eyebrows creasing. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

I didn't know what that look on his face meant. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was parted in what I presumed to be shock. I thought he was just going to stare at me, but after a few seconds, he finally said something. " _Yes_ ," he breathed. "Yes, of course."

I pulled him into a hug, nuzzling my face into his sweater. He quickly wrapped his arms around my neck; Cas wasn't letting me go. Really, I didn't have a problem with that. We stayed like that for a while before either of us spoke a word.

"I'm so glad you hit me with that stupid dodgeball," Cas told me quietly. "I'm glad we live across the hall from each other and Adam was paired as my roommate. I'm so happy that life kept pushing us and pushing us together until we got here because here is great. This is all because I would've done anything to leave California and I ended up in the same town as you. What were the odds that any of those things would've happened? What were the odds that I fell for the amazing football player who's handsome and funny and smart and that he was falling for me too?"

I backed up enough to see his face, my hands sliding from his back to his sides. "Did you just call me handsome?"

"Like you don't already know."

"I can't believe we're here either. It seems like yesterday you hated me." Cas was trying to scowl, but he ended up in a fit of giggles. "This feels like a dream, like I'm going to wake up and you're going to be gone. It feels like tomorrow I'm going to realize that none of this happened, and we're going to be back at the beginning."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"I swear."

Then, he did something I wouldn't have ever seen coming. Cas looked up to my lips, licking his own a little. My heart skipped a beat, and warmth spread to my fingertips, making Cas shiver where I was holding him. When he tore his eyes from my mouth, they were dilated and asking for permission; mine were pleading for him to go on. After what felt like an eternity, Cas pulled me back down to meet him. We closed the remaining inches between us, and I melted the second our lips connected. I couldn't have imagined those sparks: neither the metaphorical ones nor the literal ones that were created wherever Cas's fingertips grazed my skin. I brought him closer to me, his skates ensuring that we didn't have to move or break the kiss in the process. And it was perfect. Not a single second was rushed or forceful, just sweet and slow. I felt like I could live forever in that moment or die right then and there and be happy either way. I didn't plan on pulling away from Cas so soon, but something cold and wet like a raindrop touched my face. I ignored the first few, yet by the fifth, I had to see what it was.

"Is it... _snowing_?" I asked incredulously.

"Sorry," Cas squeaked.

I was confused, hoping he wasn't talking about kissing me because I wasn't sorry at all. Then, I realized that the snow was only over the lake and that Cas was the reason why.

"That's amazing," I muttered, taking my eyes off the snow and returned them to the boy in front of me. " _That was amazing_." Cas blushed, though he didn't turn away. "You're amazing."

I leaned down again, hoping I would be me halfway, hoping Cas was wanting the same. Luckily, I was greeted with another eager kiss. Everything occurred to me at once. Cas was here with me; he was in my arms. He was kissing me. We were going to homecoming together. We were dating. I froze over the lake; Cas was making it snow. We had our own world in that moment, in that picture perfect moment in time. It was me and him and the way he was holding onto me, like he was afraid that I was going to run away or disappear if he didn't keep me close. It was a dream come true where the only bad thing was that it had to end eventually. It was... _amazing_.

 


	17. Homecalls & Homecomings

○Cas○

I was listening to music before I went to bed wearing warm socks, a pair of sweatpants, and Dean's hoodie. When I was almost lulled to sleep by Ed Sheeran's voice, my door was thrown open by a crazed looking Adam. His eyes were unblinking and gleaming with a strange excitement.

"What?" he shouted.

I jumped in surprise, pulling out my earbuds. "What?" I squeaked.

He just repeated himself. " _What?_ "

"I don't know what you're talking about, Adam. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Cas." I shut the door and made his way to me, hovering in front of my bed. "I can't believe it. You and Dean?!"

Color erupted in my cheeks as I remembered everything that happened somehow only hours before: the way Dean planned our date perfectly, the sweet way he asked me to be his boyfriend- _that was a beautiful word, boyfriend_ \- how Dean pulled me closer as we kissed. "Which part?" I asked dreamily.

"All of it. I could hear Dean's thoughts from down the hall. I'm actually really shocked that you're so calm."

"You missed me freaking out. I was listening to music, so I was almost asleep."

"Wait until Benny hears about this," Adam mused, shaking his head. "He owes me ten bucks." I rolled my eyes at the fact that Dean's friends apparently were betting on us, though I couldn't say much because mine were doing the same. "I'm going to let you rest; I'm sure you've got a lot to think about. Oh," he said last minute, "I won't be listening." He held up a thin, black leather bracelet. "I borrowed this from Dean so you could have your privacy tonight."

The way he said that suggested the bracelet was a power-blocking one, though, I couldn't imagine why Dean would have it. I ignored that thought and smiled at Adam. It was a nice gesture. "Thanks. Goodnight."

When I heard a mumbled reply, I laid down, facing the wall with my earbuds back in. Ed Sheeran was singing about putting together pieces, being right here before, and swapping a heart for another's.

I couldn't help but agree with every word.

°°°

"Are you going to be okay on your own?"

"I think I can handle it, Adam," I snickered. "I'm an adult; don't worry about me. Go and spend the day with your mom. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Go." I motioned towards the door. He looked like he was going to stay and argue longer, but he just hummed to himself and ducked out of the door. I guess he convinced himself that I wasn't going to die if I was left alone all day. My roommate seemed to believe I was a Tamagotchi that couldn't survive on its own. After almost a quarter of an hour that consisted of me trying to get out of the inevitable. In the end, I made the call that I was dreading.

"Hey, Mom," I greeted.

" _She's making dinner, Cas_ ," came a gravelly voice.

"Oh, Dad. Sorry, Mom is usually the one who gets to the phone first."

" _That's fine, son. Is there something you needed to tell her? I can go get her if you want_."

He sounded tired, most likely from his long days at work recently. "No, no. I just needed to ask if I could come home sometime this week."

" _Of course. Is everything okay?_ "

"Yeah, I just don't have anything for homecoming this weekend."

That seemed to relax him, though he wasn't too thrilled. " _Why didn't you come sooner? You might not be able to find something this late_."

"Well, I didn't plan on going to the dance until last week."

" _What changed?_ "

 _Oh, boy_. This was the very topic I was hoping to avoid. "Someone asked me. We're actually dating now," I added, biting my lip. I pulled my legs to my chest, waiting for my dad to dig into me.

" _You have a boyfriend?_ " The way he said that sounded like a statement, a very skeptical statement.

"Yeah, Dad. It's a long story."

" _It better be. Why haven't we heard anything about him?_ "

I wanted to laugh. When I started dating Levi, my dad was furious. He kept lecturing me on how I was too young and that I had to be careful because I didn't know anyone in California. I'd been expecting a similar situation to unfold once he heard about Dean. I didn't know why, but it didn't seem like he was going to start on the topic. Yet, at least.

"It all happened kind of suddenly," I admitted.

" _How long?_ "

"What?"

" _How long,_ " he repeated, " _have you two been dating?_ "

That wasn't the direction I thought he was going in. "Not long. He just asked me yesterday."

" _Well, that makes me feel a little better._ " I knew he was only missing being in constant touch with me. He went through the same invasive stage with my older brothers when they moved out of the house. " _Is he a good guy?_ "

"He's great," I assured with a smile.

My dad paused, the silence on the other end was deafening. I wondered where my siblings were. " _Is he anything like Levi?_ "

"No, Dad. Trust me, he's not."

" _So, when-_ " His voice faded, like his attention was somewhere else. " _No, it's Cas_ ," he said, talking to someone in the room with him. " _Yes, you can when I'm done. Give me a few more minutes_." When he spoke again, it was directed towards me. " _So, when can we meet him?_ "

"This weekend, I guess. Just go easy on him; I don't want you scaring him off."

" _That's my job, Cas; if he can't handle me, he won't stand a chance with your older brothers_ ," he let out an airy laugh that he stifled after a minute. " _What's this boy's name?_ "

"Dean. His name is Dean Winchester."

I could practically see his smile, the one that was warm and was accompanied by deep lines at the corners of his eyes. " _Dean. Alright_ ," my dad mused. " _I can't wait to meet him. Your mother and I will be off Tuesday, so you can come down after school. But for right now, you have a few people who want to talk to you_."

I assumed the next voice I heard would belong to my sister, but a small one filled my ears instead. " _Hi, Casteel._ "

Trying to hold back my laughter, I responded to my younger brother. "Hey, Alfie." The poor boy never pronounced my name right, but it was actually pretty endearing. "How's school?"

" _They gave me homework on a Friday!_ "

I gasped, earning a tiny giggle from my brother. "How dare they? Those first grade teachers are getting tough on you guys."

" _Are you coming home? I miss you._ "

His broken voice made my heart ache. I'd never heard him like this. "Yeah, I'll be home Tuesday. I miss you, too."

" _Are you staying?_ "

"No, Alfie. I have to come back to school."

" _Do you- Do you like it there? Is it better than here?_ "

I didn't know how to explain this to him. He didn't know about Levi or how much I hated California. I mean, whenever Levi and I were dating, Samandriel was under the impression that we were going to get married and live happily ever after. "I do like it here." I chose not to answer his second question. "I hope your brothers are being nice to you."

" _They're not. They're assholes._ "

I frowned. "Where did you learn that word?"

" _Luce_."

Of course. "Well, that's not nice to say about your brothers, even if they _are_ assholes." Alfie laughed. "Don't let Mom or Dad hear you say that, okay? Just... don't say it anymore."

" _Okay_. Okay, Anna," he hissed away from the phone. " _Let me say bye first_." My brother turned his attention back to me. " _Anna wants to talk to you. I'll see you when you come home, Cas._ "

"Bye, Alfie. Goodnight."

" _Night_."

It didn't take longer than thirty seconds for my sister to take the phone and run upstairs, presumably to her room. " _Who is Dean?_ " Anna practically screamed into my ear. " _Daddy said he couldn't wait to meet him. Are you two dating?_ "

"How much did you hear?"

" _Just that. I came in right before Alfie took the phone_." She hesitated, waiting for me to say something. " _Well, are you dating him?_ "

"Yes."

She let out a little gasp. " _Is he in band? Is that why you joined again?_ "

"No. Well... yes and no. He's in band, but that was just a coincidence."

" _Uh huh_." Anna obviously wasn't believing me. " _Well, tell me about him. How did you meet? How long have you been dating? What is he like? Is he cute?_ "

"I'll tell you and Mom everything Tuesday, and you can ask me all the questions you want. You can even go shopping with us since Mom isn't going to let Dad take me." I decided to answer one of her question, though, smiling despite the fact that she couldn't see me. "But he's _very_ cute."

●Dean●

Everything around me was dark, and I tried to make out my surroundings that I knew were there and the faint voice that sounded less than thirty feet away. After straining my ears, I recognized the murmuring as my mother who seemed to be lulling my brother back to sleep.

"It's alright, Sammy," she was saying. "Everything is going to be okay."

"Are you sure about that, Mary?" The newest voice sent chills down my spine.

"Azazel, what are you doing here? I thought I told you that I never wanted to see you again."

"I need your help."

"Haven't John and I helped you enough? We don't owe you anything. I want to be normal again; I want to be a mother."

"That's what I need help with. Your sons... they can do what we never could. They can purge the evil from our world. Our families can right the wrongs from the past."

"That will never happen."

"John seems to disagree. He already said that your sons will help bring up a new age of _paratas_."

"Touch my sons, and I will kill you."

"So, it's going to be like that?" Azazel stopped before drawing out his next words. "You never belonged. You have filth in your blood, impurities."

"My invisibility doesn't mean I'm evil, just like your powers don't control who you are. I'm sorry about your parents, but-" Her words were cut off by a shuffling of feet and a muffled scream.

That's when I saw the scene that had haunted me for the past thirteen years. Azazel had my mother by the throat, pressed against the wall. He lit his hands on fire and watched as it burned my mother, first catching on her hair before it spread to her clothes. Her eyes met mine, and I could see the horror in them.

"No, Dean!"

•••

I stared at the ceiling, trying to steady my breathing. That dream was exactly like that night all those years ago: it was like I was reliving it all over again. Nothing ever made sense about that conversation I overheard from my bedroom, but I was always afraid to learn what happened. Bobby and Ellen never told me very many details about my parents pasts, mostly because I didn't want to know. Yet, at times like this, I wished I knew why my family was ripped apart. I wished I knew what John and Mary did that would make anyone do that to them, to us. Mostly, it was easier to be in the dark.

•••

"I don't understand why you couldn't come home today," Jo whined, wrapping her arms around my pillow.

"I don't really want Mom or Dad to know yet."

"Know what?" The smile I was suppressing finally showed itself, and Jo's eyes went wide. "What happened yesterday?"

"Oh, nothing much. I just went on a date with Cas.... and asked him to be my boyfriend." Jo squealed and practically fell off my bed. "And he kissed me," I told her proudly.

" _What?!_ You have to give me more details than that!"

"Alright, alright," I laughed. "Just stop screaming." So, I told her almost everything. I had to keep a few things to myself, like the way Cas was afraid of being alone in the forest and the fact that we were telling embarrassing stories about our siblings. Jo would probably kill me if she knew that. I also didn't mention Cas making it snow; that was a memory that I only wanted me and Cas to know about. It felt too private to tell even my sister.

"What I'm hearing," Jo said after I was finished, "is that I get credit for the best day of your life."

"If you insist."

"So, now that you're together and everything, you've got to start thinking about Christmas presents."

I groaned and fell back onto my bed. "You're right; I only have, like, two months."

Jo just laughed, though I wasn't joking. I felt like this Christmas should be something special. It was our first, after all. Our first of many, I hoped.

•••

I walked with Cas to the dorms after class on Tuesday, deciding to take the long way to the football field. My boyfriend- _Isn't that word great?_ \- was going home today, so I wanted to spend a little more time with him.

"Remember," I told him as we neared the entrance, the place where we would have to go our separate ways, "you can call or text me if you get overwhelmed by anything. Practice might be ending earlier tonight, but even if it's not, I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

"Thanks, Dean, but I'll be fine. It's just a few hours; I'll be back right after dinner." He started fidgeting with his sleeves, and my heart melted as I watched his little nervous tick. "Shouldn't you be going to practice? I don't want you to be late."

"The old man won't care if I'm a few minutes late. But if you want me to go so bad..."

"That's not what I-"

"I know, Cas. And I guess I should be going, though. I'll see you tomorrow." I pulled him into a quick hug that he backed out of after only a few seconds. Cas lifted onto his toes to close the small distance between us and give me a chaste kiss. Right as I was getting used to the feeling of his lips on mine, they were gone.

"See you tomorrow."

Without another word, he turned and slipped through the door. I couldn't help but stand with a little smile for a moment before I pressed my lips together and finally left for practice. Dad was going to kill me for being late.

○Cas○

The moment I stepped out of the yellow portal, I was tackled into a hug. "Jeez, Anna," I laughed. "Did you miss me or something?"

"Yes! It felt like I was never going to see you again."

"It hasn't even been two months." I smoothed down her red hair and eased her arms from my waist. "I missed you too, Bee. Are the boys at home?"

"Yeah. Daddy's watching them while we go shopping. So, are you ready? I want to hear all about Dean."

Hearing his name, a grin escaped without my permission, something Anna saw. She smirked at me, a devious facial expression my eight-year-old sister shouldn't have had mastered. "Let's go."

Anna squealed and grabbed my hand, leading my along to where our mom was waiting for us. She was talking on her phone, her eyebrows creased and her face tight in frustration. She smoothed down her auburn hair that was pulled into a simple topknot, her worry melting away when she saw me.

My mom hung up on the person she was speaking to, most likely from her lawfirm, only with a curt goodbye. "Castiel," she gushed, "you look so nice. You look all grown up in your uniform."

"Mom," I complained when she brought me into an expected hug.

"Sorry, I just miss you. It's quiet without you older boys."

"There are two thirteen-year-olds, an eight-year-old, and a six-year-old in the house still; I don't think it's anywhere near quiet. Don't start getting empty nest syndrome on me yet."

"Yeah, yeah." She released me from her embrace, and her face light up after a moment of hesitation. "I heard you have a boyfriend that you haven't mentioned before. Don't you think it's time to start telling me about him?"

"I suppose now's as good of a time as ever." I moved to the door, talking as my mom and sister followed me. There were a few different places we could've gone to get my clothes, so I started towards the closest one. "What do you want to know?"

°°°

"Cas, honey, you've been standing with the same two ties for twenty minutes now. Just pick one."

"I know, Mom," I responded in frustration, my face scrunched as I tried to decide on a single accessory to my grey dress shirt. "What do you think?"

Anna huffed and threw herself onto the ground, yet her tantrum went unnoticed by our mom. "They look the same, Cas," she told me. My sister was tired and wanted to go home where Dad was making homemade lasagna, his claimed specialty.

"I like that one more." Mom took the tie in my left hand, leaving me with the plain black one that had less of a shine to it.

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely." Her eyes brightened as the laugh lines appeared on her face. "I think Michael wore something to one of his formals that would look nice with this."

I racked my brain to think of everything my eldest brother had for his dances, yet I didn't have a clue as to what she was talking about. I trusted my mom, though, so I simply nodded and made my way to the registers with my new shirt and tie tucked under my arm. Whatever she was envisioning, I would see for myself after dinner.

°°°

I was greeted with three unexpected hugs from my younger brothers when I followed the girls through the door. They babbled on as I ascended the stairs and went to my room. Without missing a beat of the three stories that were fighting to be the prominent topic, I found a phone charger and plugged it into the outlet beside my dresser. I tossed my bags on my bed before I pulled my door shut behind me, not bothering to close it completely, and ushered my siblings back downstairs. They seemed to have finished their stories, even though Alfie's definitely didn't have an ending and the twins had two very different views on the same situation.

"Castiel," my dad called from the kitchen, "could you help set the table? The last time I had Gadreel do it, he broke two plates."

"Of course." I started pulling things out of drawers and cabinets in sets of seven. By the time our seats at the table were fitted with a plate, napkin, fork, and glass cup, Dad was bringing in the last of the food.

"So, did you get everything you need today?"

"Yeah. I'm all set for this weekend."

"Speaking of..." _Oh, no. Is this when he's going to lecture me about dating Dean? Did he just want to wait until we were face to face?_ "You still haven't said much about that boy. Tell me what he's like so I feel a little better about you being in another state with a boyfriend I haven't met yet."

"Dad," I half-whined, half-scolded. "He's really a great guy. You don't have to worry about him."

"Like I didn't have to worry about Levi?" Dad raised his eyebrows, looking up from the lasagna he started cutting into squares. "The one who was having sex with... how many people?"

"I get it. Everyone knows that Levi was a colosal mistake, but you don't have to keep bringing it up." I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "What do you want to know about Dean?"

"What kind of grades does he make?"

"Dean's not stupid. He makes straight As and is taking multiple AP classes. He does better than me in some classes."

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't say he was stupid. I just want to know, Castiel." His tone made me shrink back. I needed to stop being so offended; my dad was just asking normal questions, after all.

"Is he involved in anything with the school?"

"Yes. He's in band and a different sport each season and does a lot of volunteer work whenever they need it."

"What sports?"

I tried to remember everything he told me. I, of course, knew he played football, but he only talked about the other two sports a few times. "Football," I listed off, "wrestling, and baseball. Why don't you ask Dean all these questions this weekend? You can learn all about him and see what kind of person he is for yourself."

"Bring him over early then." I was internally cheering, glad that conversation was over. "Go tell everyone that dinner is ready."

I found my mom and Alfie in the family room while the twins were sitting on the deck on their phones.

After telling them to go ahead into the dining room once they cleaned up, I asked if they'd seen Anna recently.

Gadreel shrugged, trying to brush past me. "I don't remember."

"You can literally see into the past, Gad. It's impossible for you to forget anything."

Ezekiel didn't even look up from his screen. "Upstairs."

"Thanks."

I expected to find my sister in her bedroom that was right across from the stairs, yet it was dark and silent. The only sound was coming from a bedroom on the opposite side of the house. That didn't make sense because that was where the four oldest kids' rooms were. Anna knew better than to go into Michael or Luce's, so what was she up to?

As I got closer, I realized she hadn't gone into our older brothers' rooms; instead, she was in mine. I didn't mind that Anna just went in there without asking until I heard another voice that I couldn't explain. Then, I pushed the door open and saw my sister with Dean on a video call.

They were both laughing at something, and a million different emotions ran through me. I loved the way they were talking like they were best friends. Dean's face was priceless as he watched my sister with wide eyes. But above all, fear paralyzed me in the doorway. _What had Dean told my sister? What did Anna tell my boyfriend? How did she even manage to call him? I didn't know how unprepared I am for everyone to meet Dean. I'm not ready at all. What am I going to do if-_

"Hey, Cassie." Anna's voice brought me back to reality. "What are you doing?"

"What am _I_ doing? I think I should be asking _you_ that. How did you even get his phone number?"

"I'm not dumb; I looked in your contacts. You only have one Dean, and the hearts around his name kinda gave away who it was."

I started blushing, and I was so grateful Anna had moved the camera to face the ceiling. I tried to sputter out a response but never formed a complete word. My inability to speak earned a small chuckle from Dean, which snapped me out of my shock.

"Why were you looking for it anyways? Why are you on my phone and in my room without permission?"

Anna pursed her lips. "I just wanted to see a picture of Dean, but you don't have any. What kind of boyfriend are you? Why don't you have any pictures of him?" I didn't answer that. "But you're right: he is really cute."

"Alright, that's enough." I took the phone away and nudged her off my bed. "Go get ready for dinner."

She grumbled the whole way, but she left. With a sigh, I turned the screen to face me. Dean was smiling into the camera, an amused look plastered on his face. " _I love that you were telling your sister how cute I am._ "

"Shut up."

" _Hey, it's not a bad thing. I think I'm cute too_."

"I'm hanging up now."

He stopped me before I had a chance. " _I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You don't need to be embarrassed_."

I attempted to defend myself. "I'm not."

" _That dark blush that's covering your face and ears says otherwise. Are you going to turn red in all of our pictures this weekend?_ " Dean teased.

"Don't patronize me." I closed my eyes and smoothed down my hair. "I have to go. Everyone is waiting for me so we can start dinner. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

Dean nodded. " _I'll walk with you to class if you want_."

"Sounds great. Bye, Dean."

" _Bye, beautiful,_ " he said with a smirk. I didn't know how to respond, only managing a few surprised expressions. Then, he winked before hanging up.

"You're insufferable," I yelled at the screen that was only displaying Dean's contact. I shook my head and grinned despite my embarrassment. That boy was going to be the death of me.

 


	18. Dances & Disclosures

●Dean●

"Dean! You better hurry up and get down here!"

"I can't find my shoes, Mom!" I called on the balcony that overlooked the family room.

She looked up at me, a camera around her neck and her hands on her hips. "Well, I want pictures of you and your sister before Zayn and Cas get here. Come down in your socks; you can find your shoes later."

"Great," I mumbled to myself. Turning on my heel, I went downstairs to where the rest of my family was. Sam was sitting on the couch with our dad, and Mom was fussing over Jo's hair. She had a messy, curled updo that had two tendrils by her face. Mom was currently attempting to twist one of those strands so it was laying better than how it was sitting now.

She saw Jo's eyes fall on me, so she faced me herself. She smiled until she saw my feet. "You couldn't even wear matching socks?"

I looked down at them with a frown. One was bright red and the other was orange, black, and white; I'm pretty sure that one was a Halloween sock that I took out of Sam's room a few months ago. "I was going to change them."

"No, you weren't." I gave her a sheepish smile, to which she only rolled her eyes. "Freshman year it was the Converse with both of you, then it was Jo's tan lines, then it was Dean's hair-"

"It wasn't my fault last year. I just wanted to have highlights; it was Jo who managed to get the wrong box of hair dye and put strawberry blond streaks in my hair the night before homecoming."

"Which Bobby and I told you that you weren't allowed to do." She motioned for me to go beside Jo so she could start taking pictures. "I just want some nice pictures of you two. Is that too much to ask? Sam, am I going to get decent ones of you next year?"

My brother's eyes darted up from his phone, obviously startled to be brought into the conversation. "I feel like I shouldn't promise anything, just in case."

I wrapped my arm around Jo's shoulders as our parents talked. "You look beautiful." Jo finally talked our dad into letting her buy the dress she'd had her eyes on in the past years, and she was stunning in it. It was a deep red two piece dress that had white lace over her chest which wrapped around her neck in a low collar. Her back was bare except the few inches of fabric on her top. Despite her heels, she was still a few inches shorter than me.

"Thanks. You look less horrible than usual."

"Haha. Very funny."

Mom snapped a picture of us while we weren't paying attention. She smiled endearingly at it before commanding us to move to a different position and smile.

It was going to be a long day.

•••

Sam and I were in the middle of our forced photoshoot when the doorbell rang. Mom lowered her camera, letting Sam slouch down again. "Is it already four thirty?"

Jo stood from her place on the sofa. "That's Zayn. I had him come over about fifteen minutes early so Dean could find his shoes and fix his hair."

I immediately touched my hair that was styled almost how I usually wore it. It looked like I just ran my hands through it, but I spent way too much time getting it like that. I was sure that it looked okay. "What's wrong with my hair?"

Jo just gave me a pitying look before going to answer the door, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor.

"I'm gonna-" I gestured to the stairs, asking for permission more than telling my parents.

"Hurry." Dad winked at me before looking lovingly towards his wife. While I searched through my closet, I thought about how lucky I was to have my parents. Sam and I could have been turned away by the Singers, but they took us in when our own father left us. They treated us like we're their flesh and blood and have never thought of us less than family. I'd always been amazed by the things they did for me and my little brother, but especially Bobby. He never had any kids of his own, but took in three children who he considered his. His first wife died when they were twenty-four, just five years into their marriage; they never had a chance to start a family. Then, Ellen and Jo came into his life when he was thirty-two, and none of that seemed to matter. He had a two-year-old that he loved, and after five years passed, she became his daughter. One more later, he had two sons. I didn't know if my dad wanted kids when all of this started with Karen, but he seemed happy. He cherished our oddly put together family. We all did.

My fingers brushed against a smooth box, pulling my mind into the present. I took it off the shelf and sighed when I realized it was the box to my dress shoes. I didn't bother changing my socks, but I did fix the strands of hair that were standing up in the back. While I was standing in the bathroom, I brushed my teeth again and stared at my reflection until I heard the doorbell again. I panicked, wondering if I was ready for tonight. I wondered what Cas was thinking right now. I wondered why I was still standing there while he was downstairs, waiting for me.

I went back to my room to get my phone and wallet so I could finally see Cas again. The hours leading up to this moment had been the longest of my short existence, dragging on and on. As I descended the stairs, the moments passed in a similar fashion. I could hear voices, yet I couldn't make out the words they were saying over the blood rushing in my ears. Judging from those voices, my family had moved into the living room. Mom always loved pictures in front of those big bay windows. Everything was moving in slow motion once I hit the floor and heard Cas speak from only a few feet away. The open walls to the living room let me see my boyfriend before he could see me, and I was grateful. I had a moment to just revel in how amazing he looked.

Cas was wearing black pants with a grey shirt that was somehow the exact shade of grey I was wearing. His hair was parted and smoothed to the side, which was the first time it hadn't been a disorderly mess. Sure, I loved the way his hair was always a mess, but my heart also melted at the sight of him in that moment. He had a long black tie and a pair of black suspenders to top off his ensemble, a look that might not have suited everyone, but was fantastic on Cas.

Like he could sense my staring, Cas turned his attention to me. Our eyes met, and I swear, time stopped.

○Cas○

I stood for a few agonizingly long seconds at the front door of the Singers' house, trying to build up enough confidence to ring the doorbell. Finally, I shifted the small, transparent box to my left hand and let my finger hover over the white button. With a low exhale, I pressed it and listened to the ringing as it echoed across the fairly empty street. Another eternity later and the door was opened by Dean's little brother. He just looked up at me and offered an awkward grin before he stepped aside to let me in. Sam was wearing a T-shirt, sweatpants, and a pair of white socks; I felt extremely overdressed walking next to him. He led me to one of the front rooms where a group of voices were being punctuated by the shutter of a camera.

"Mom's taking pictures of Jo and her boyfriend. Dean isn't ready yet, so you can wait for him in here."

"Okay." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. Sure enough, Jo and Zayn Gregory were standing by the large bay windows as a woman photographed them. Jo kissed Zayn on the cheek, which was followed by a few more clicks. Sam sat down next to a familiar man, though I almost didn't recognize him in a flannel and jeans: Coach Singer. I nodded towards him, feeling even more uncomfortable. "Hello, Coach."

"Aw, Cas, we're not at school. You don't have to call me that. It's Bobby here." He moved aside the pillow that was next to him. "El's gonna take a while, so you should get comfortable."

"El?" I asked, sitting by the man.

Bobby nodded towards the woman with the camera. "My wife, Ellen."

Upon hearing her name, the brunette turned. "Mrs. Singer?" _Okay, I should've put two and two together for that one_.

"Ellen," she corrected, taking a picture of me and probably her husband and son as well. "Dean should be down in a few." She smiled, a gesture that was warm and genuine. "Come here."

I stood and set the box where I was sitting. Bobby peeked into it, then I saw the man crack his first grin in my presence. Ellen lifted the camera strap over her neck and placed her hands on my shoulders. For a moment, her eyes just trailed over my face, and she didn't say a word. Finally, she spoke when Zayn cleared his throat and gave her a pointed look.

"You're doing it again, Ellen."

"Sorry, Cas." I wondered briefly if Ellen intensely stared at Zayn too or if it was Dean's ex. I didn't have time to dwell on that thought because Dean's mom removed her hands and started talking. "You'll have to come over some time so we can get to know you beyond having you in class. Dean seems to be keeping you away from us, for whatever reason."

Sam snorted. I almost forgot he was in the room; it was hard to believe Dean said the boy never shut up. "He thinks we're going to embarrass him. I mean, he's right."

"Trust me, you guys can't be any worse than my family."

Jo laughed. "Don't say that: they'll take that as a challenge. Dean won't ever bring you back to our house after that."

And like I could feel someone watching me, I turned to find Dean in the doorway. For a minute, we both stood there, just staring at each other. My Lord, he looked gorgeous. He had grey pants and a vest of the same material that was over a black shirt. He was wearing a silver and black bow tie.

"Seriously," Jo huffed, "you didn't even fix your hair?"

I thought it looked fine. Dean frowned and walked back to what I assumed was a mirror by the stairs. "What's wrong with his hair?" I asked Jo.

"Oh, nothing. I just like messing with him."

My boyfriend came back looking exactly the same. "Better?"

"It'll do," he sister replied.

"Joanna Beth," Ellen scolded, "stop it. They'll never make it to Cas's if you keep this up."

"Alright. Your hair looks fine, Dean. Unlike last year."

He pointed and accusing finger at his sister. "That was on you, not me."

"Just get your pictures so you can leave."

"Gladly."

I watched their exchange with interest, wondering what happened last year and feeling a twinge of longing to bicker like that with my brothers.

Dean moved to us and led me to the center of the room, Ellen's camera working the whole time. The small of my back tingled where Dean's fingers pressed against it, yet the feeling dissipated not a moment after they were gone. I could almost see the gears turning in Ellen's head as she thought of how she was wanting to pose us. I'd be a little nervous if I hadn't gone through this process multiple times with my own mom. Before she had a chance to direct us, Bobby interrupted the near silence.

"You might want to start with these." He was holding the box I left on the sofa. I ignored Dean's confused look and went to retrieve it.

"Thanks." Bobby nodded, going back to observing everything from the side. "I, uh-" I wasn't sure what to say that wasn't going to sound lame.

"You got us boutonnieres."

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Got? No. I actually, well... I made them." Heat rose to my cheeks as I waited for a response.

Dean took the box from me, tilting his head a bit while he looked in it. "Are these real flowers?"

I laughed at that. "Of course they're real. You do realize who you're talking to, right? I can literally grow plants out of nowhere in, like, two seconds."

"Wow," was the only thing he said after that.

I took that as an approval to open the lid and take out one of the boutonnieres. I picked up the one that had grey roses that deepened in color until the petals were a rich black at the tips. They were surrounded by tiny, white baby's breath and bound by a silver ribbon at the stems. I left my own boutonniere for Dean, the one that had black roses that faded to light grey edges. At my touch, the flowers opened up, wanting to bloom for me. Dean smiled fondly at me while I pinned the flowers to his vest, near his heart. He returned the action, my own resting in the same area on my shirt. All throughout the exchange, the fluttering of the camera reminded us that not a second was lost.

Ellen wanted a few more pictures, and by that I mean a few _dozen_ more. We, surprisingly, were finished before five. Bobby walked outside with me while Dean went to the garage to get his car and Ellen resumed her photo session with Jo and Zayn.

"Ellen was being serious when she said you should come over. We all want to get to know you, even though we feel like we already do."

"You do?"

"Yeah, my son never seems to shut up about you. Every weekend, the only thing on his mind was you. I've never seen him act like this before, though I'm happy. That's how I was in high school."

"Like you were?"

"With my first wife. We were high school sweethearts." I ignored the implication of love and marriage and focused on the fact that Dean was happy. That was all that mattered.

When Dean pulled his Impala up to where we were standing, Bobby opened the door for me and leaned into the window once it was shut behind me. "I'll see you tonight, Dean. Oh, and Cas and I were talking: he's going to come over this weekend."

"He is?"

" _I am?_ "

"Of course. Have fun tonight, boys."

He walked away after that, not adding the cliché _but not too much fun_ like I was expecting. Dean just shrugged. "I guess you're coming over."

"I guess I am."

●Dean●

"Wow, Castiel, you're looking nice. First the school uniform, now this. You leave Claydon, and suddenly you care about your appearance."

Cas laughed, but shook his head. "Only on special occasions. Besides, it's too hot here to care. I'll see you later, Joshua. I've got to go introduce Dean to my family."

The man, Joshua, grimaced. "Good luck to you both, then."

"Gabe, and Luce are still in Glen Rock, and Michael is still in Massachusetts."

"In that case, you'll be fine." He addressed that to me before waving us off with a goodbye.

"Are the portal office workers just friends with everyone?" I asked, thinking about Rufus.

Cas shrugged in response, but linked our hands as we walked away from the building. "I think it's just Joshua. The one back in Illinois, Zachariah, not many people liked him." Cas decided to abruptly switch topics. "My house is only about two minutes from the portal office. We live kinda in the middle of the city. And I'm sorry in advance for everyone and everything that's about to happen."

"It can't be that bad."

"It was last time." He got this faraway look in his eyes like he was remembering some unpleasant memories.

I squeezed his hand, bringing him back to the present. "Are you okay?"

"I just want this to go well."

"It will. Don't stress about it." I didn't know what he was so worried about. He had to have been talking about Levi, just based on that expression. He didn't think history was going to repeat itself, did he? "Cas, you don't have to-"

"This is it," he interrupted. "It's now or never." Cas let go of my hand and unlocked the door with the keys I didn't realize he had. He shoved the lanyard back in his pocket and pushed open the door. "We're here!"

The quiet house was disturbed by a pair of bare feet running down the stairs at the end of the hallway. Before I could register what was happening, Anna hugged Cas and was pulling me into an embrace.

"Hey there," I managed. I surely didn't expect this to be my welcome into the Novak house.

"You're so tall," Anna told me, her eyes wide.

I knelt in front of her so we were eye level. "Is that better?"

She giggled. "You're even prettier up close."

I could feel Cas blushing behind me, but I didn't turn around. "Not as pretty as you are. Where are those brothers of yours that you told me never shut up?"

Anna shrugged. "I think Alfie's outside, and Zeke and Gad are upstairs playing video games. Mom and Daddy want to talk to you guys, though; they told me to tell you to wait for them in the family room if they're not already there."

"Alright," Cas said behind me. "Can you tell them we're here? We made it a little earlier than I thought we would."

"Kay." Then, she ran off further into the house.

Cas took my hand and led me into the first door we came to. He sat on the tan loveseat opposite the sofa, and waited for me to join him. I obliged, and my boyfriend immediately seemed to melt into my side.

"Hey, why are you so nervous?" He wouldn't answer or even look at me, so I tilted his head so he would meet my eyes. "I'm just meeting your family. We're going to talk and get pictures and leave for dinner with promises to come back. Everything's going to be okay."

"I'm just scared that my parents aren't going to like you."

"I'm going to try to not take that personally."

He smacked me in the stomach. "That's not what I meant. I just want them to like you because I do, and I want my family to not hate you like they did with Levi. I don't know what to do if they-"

"Hey." Cas quieted, his eyes dark with worry as a crease formed between his eyebrows. I pulled him into a kiss, which he happily accepted. "It's going to be alright, okay?"

"Yeah." He nodded, mostly to himself. "Yeah."

We heard three pair of footsteps coming towards us, as well as multiple voices. Cas tensed, so I touched his wrist and ran my thumb over his skin. The gesture calmed him a bit, but he still jumped when he heard his name.

"-I stay and talk?"

"No, Anna," a man's voice said. "Go upstairs for a while. We want to talk to Castiel alone."

Cas cursed, so the rest of the conversation was lost to me. "He called me Castiel."

I didn't get a chance to ask what was wrong with that because a man and woman walked into the room. They were both wearing jeans and thin shirts, but the man also had on a smile that looked a little too forced. I stood to greet them, giving Cas's father a handshake.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Novak. I'm Dean Winchester."

"Oh, we know who you are," Mr. Novak informed me with a raised eyebrow. I dropped my hand to my side.

"Honey, call me Naomi," Cas's mother said.

"Mr. Novak will do."

" _Dad_." Cas's voice was hovering between a warning and a plea. I mouthed to him that it was fine, which Mr. Novak saw. Finally, his act slipped, and I had a chance to see that all of this was just an act.

He smiled, only a little but he still smiled. "Chuck."

"It's nice to meet you both."

"Come sit down," Naomi told us, gently touching her husband's shoulder so he would sit on the couch with her. "Dean, why don't you tell us about yourself? We feel like we barely know you: Cas hasn't said much about you."

I looked to Cas, a little bothered by the fact that he hadn't told his parents anything about us. "I don't even know where to begin. What would you like to know?"

•••

After almost half an hour, Chuck was opening up. He dropped the tough, overprotective father ploy, so I learned he was a really funny and caring guy. "So," he said once Naomi left to get us drinks, "I've been wondering where I've heard Winchester before. I know that last name is familiar."

"Dad..."

I gave Cas a tight smile. I knew this was going to come up at some point. "It's alright. He should know." I sighed, my sight dropping to the floor. "You've heard of my parents, my biological parents," I clarified. "John and Mary Winchester. They were wanted fugitives before I was born and basically fell off the map for about eight years. My mother was... She was killed when I was four by another _paratas_." I felt Cas rest his hand on my knee. "I still remember it being all over the news for weeks."

"Can I talk to Dean alone for a minute?"

"I don't think-"

"Castiel, go help your mother."

I managed what I hoped was a reassuring smile so he would go, but Cas could see through it. Despite that, he left me alone with his father.

I finally met Chuck's eyes. "Sir, I wanted to tell you this all upfront so you didn't hear it somewhere else. This is all a part of my past, but it's not a part of me. Cas isn't going to be in danger because of John and Mary."

"What happened after your mother died?"

"I don't know what happened to the man who killed her; he was never caught, though. John became..."

"Unstable?"

"Yes. What he did... I don't consider him a father, only by blood. He was crazy, telling me that I had a mission to fulfill and that I had to be strong to _purge the evil from our world._ " I paused, realizing those same words were in my dream the other night, except they came from Azazel's mouth. "He's gone, though. He left me and my brother and never came back."

"I don't want my son getting hurt again. I don't want your past to be the thing that does it."

"I swear to you, sir, Cas won't get hurt. I care about him way too much to let anyone lay a finger on him. I'd take a bullet for him."

Chuck crossed his arms and looked at me in a way I couldn't decipher. "Those are bold words for only knowing each other for a short period of time."

"It doesn't make them any less true."

•••

"I didn't get a chance to meet your brothers."

Cas leaned into me, his head nuzzling into the curve of my neck. "Mom told them to stay upstairs; she didn't want them overbearing us or giving me a panic attack."

"I told you everything was going to be okay, didn't I?"

"Yeah, yeah. You told me so." He kissed me on the cheek and stood from the loveseat. "I'm going to go tell my siblings bye. I'll be right back."

I waited until he was gone before following his lead and heading to the front of the house. Chuck stopped me before I reached the door. "I'm guessing we'll be seeing more of you from now on."

"I'm hope so. That is, if you'll allow it. And if Cas keeps me around."

"Well, we don't have a problem with it, and I don't think my son will be getting rid of you too easily."

I laughed, to which Chuck raised an eyebrow. "Cas seemed to be under the impression that you guys weren't going to like me. He said you were going to be harsh and give me- what did he say?- the third degree."

"Oh, he only said that because of Levi. There was something about that boy that I just didn't like from the start. I was right to think that way too. Cas was too good for him. But you're not like him. I trust that you're going to take care of my boy." He sighed. "He did good this time."

○Cas○

Dinner was amazing back in Glen Rock. We went to this generations old Italian restaurant, and Dean and I shared a delicious chocolate cake a la mode after we ate. Dean refused to let me pay for anything, despite my many, _many_ protests. Every time, he'd just say that it was the first time he could buy his boyfriend anything; he used that word as often as he could, just to get his way. It wasn't anything special, yet neither of us could resist the way it sounded in reference to the other. Eventually, I gave up trying to pay and just enjoyed my cake.

It was when we were in Dean's car on the drive to the school that something clicked inside of me. I was watching everything pass through the window while Dean had one hand lazily on the steering wheel and the other holding one of my own. He was talking about a song that was barely audible on the radio, knowing that I was listening despite anything my body language said. It all felt so natural, something that I hadn't ever experienced before. There was a certain ebb and flow to the way our relationship worked that was different from my time with Levi. On the surface, everything was fine and ran smoothly, but there was a forceful nature to it. One of us was always pushing a little harder to make things work than the other. This wasn't like that, though. It felt like we had always been like this: Dean holding my hand and telling me about music from decades ago. It was either the best and most natural relationship I'd ever had with anyone, or it was too good to be true.

I saw Dean's lips twitch into a smile as he watched me. "I don't know how you manage to drive without looking at the road."

Dean laughed, but his eyes left my face. "What are you thinking about? You went quiet on me."

"Just us," I said simply.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Good. I was thinking that I like this. _Us_. It's nice." That was the most understated sentence I've ever said. I didn't _like_ our relationship; I _loved_ it. I loved the way it felt perfect, despite all of our issues. I loved the way my heart would beat faster whenever Dean was around. I loved how comfortable I was with him and how patient he'd always been with me. It wasn't _nice_. _Nice_ was a word to describe something you didn't want to be rude about or didn't care about. The way I felt about our relationship wasn't _just_ nice. "That and more."

"Really?" I hummed in response, letting him decipher that however he wanted. "I'm happy too."

That made it all worth it.

°°°

"It's been a while since I've been to a school dance," I admitted as we sat at a table in the mostly empty cafeteria. Since Dean and I showed up late, we decided not to interrupt the coronation that was being held in the commons in the main building. Dean told me that I wasn't missing anything spectacular.

"Well, school just started, so it's been a while for all of us."

I shook my head. "It's been since sophomore year."

"What? You didn't even go to prom?"

"I didn't feel like it at the time. I regret it now." For whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything junior year, nevermind going to prom. I lost all of my friends and my boyfriend in one moment, so it wasn't like I had anyone to spend the dance with. It didn't occur to me how big of an impact I let Levi make on my life. I didn't go to my junior prom because of him, and that was just one thing that I missed.

"Don't worry, you can still go to senior prom. I promise, that'll be something you won't regret. I won't let you miss it."

I leaned forward so my face was only inches from his. "Dean Winchester, are you asking me to prom?" I smirked, but it didn't have an effect on his coy smile.

"Oh, honey, you'll know when I ask you to prom."

I chose to ignore the _honey_. " _When?_ "

"You say that as if I'm not going to ask you."

"Not if I ask you first."

"And you say _I'm_ childish." I wanted to stick my tongue at him, but that would've just proved his point. "What do you say about a dance?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Now?" I looked around the sparsely populated room. "No one else is dancing; there isn't even music playing."

"Then, I expect one the second a slow song comes on. And you are definitely doing the electric slide with me."

"How can I say no to that?" Dean pecked me on the cheek. I couldn't fight my frown at that.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

He got this cute little dumbfounded expression on his face. "What do you mean? I _do_ kiss you."

"You'll kiss me on the cheek or the hand, or you'll wait for me to make the first move. We've kissed a handful of times, but you've only kissed me... what, once."

"This is all new." He started tracing patterns on the tablecloth. "I don't want to push things."

"Things or _me_?" I didn't have to wait for a response: his face said it all. "Dean, everything's fine. I'm great. I'm moving on, and it's about damn time. I let Levi Thompson control my life for well over a year after he ruined it. I'm done. I'm happy with you, but I wish you'd stop treating me like a porcelain doll. I'm not going to shatter."

"No one just turns off those kinds of feelings. It's not only that I don't want to push you; I don't want you to push yourself either."

"I'm not." I cupped his cheek with my hand, and Dean leaned into my touch. "This is exactly where I was to be." Then, he kissed me. I smiled, the movement stopping us both. He simply watched me for a moment before shaking his head and leaning his forehead on my own.

"You're something spectacular, Castiel." The music from the DJ in the corner of the room started up, almost muffling his words. Coronation must have been ending. "How did I get so lucky?"

"Oh, shut up and kiss me." Lucky for me, he didn't resist.

●Dean●

The room was starting to get stuffy as everyone filed out of the coronation. It got harder to hear Cas talk over the commotion of clicking heels, chattering teenagers, and overbearing music.

"...but that doesn't make sense," Cas was saying. "Why should you have to be responsible for them?"

"I don't know. I guess since I offered to help the low brass one time, I'm the one they-" My train of thought halted when a pair of arms were wrapped around my neck. I looked up, and my head hit my sister's stomach. "Hi, Jo."

"Skipping coronation, I see." She walked around to my side and leaned on the table. "Don't you think it's a little early in the night to be sneaking away to make out?"

Cas blushed so dark, I almost couldn't see it in the shadows. "Come on, sis, live a little. Maybe you'd get rid of that stick up your ass if you two," I moved my finger between her and her boyfriend who was talking to one of the guys on the soccer team, "would sneak off to make out."

"Well, I'm not the only one who has something up their ass, now am I, Dean?"

"I'll, uh, be right back," Cas stammered. "I'm going to go get us some drinks."

Jo and I both watched him walk away. "He gets so flustered, doesn't he? I hope he knows I was talking about you."

I decided to shift topics before my sister could suggest anything else about me and Cas having sex. "I don't know why. From everything I've heard about his family, you'd think he'd be used to it. I should be the one who has to adjust to the comments from siblings. Maybe they aren't as bad as he said they were."

"I thought you met them."

"Just his sister and parents. His three older brothers are supposed to be the ones who are going to give me trouble. You remember Gabriel, right? The one who Blake was always around."

"He's Cas's older brother?" I nodded. "Wow. Well, good luck."

"You know, people keep telling me that."

Jo pushed herself off the table. "Cas is on his way. I'm going to go so I don't scare off your boyfriend again."

"See you at home." She waved as she disappeared into the crowd. Cas got back to me a moment later, sitting down and handing me a plastic cup of some type of punch. "Does Jo make you uncomfortable?"

"Just when she's talking about stuff like that. She looks so innocent; you wouldn't expect her to say such dirty things. You should've heard what she was talking about before our first game."

"I can imagine. Trust me, she's far from innocent and says a lot worse." I took a drink and placed the cup in front of me. "Sorry about her, though."

Cas shrugged. "I think it's only fair."

"Why?"

"Lucius." _Ah, another one of his brothers_. "He doesn't even like me, but he'll give you hell because... well, that's what he does."

"Isn't family just great?"

•••

We sat at that table for a few songs, only talking. I was waiting for a slow song so I could dance with Cas; he was waiting for "something that didn't suck" to play. Finally, both got our wish when that song from the Twilight movie started playing. Hey, maybe they weren't my favorite things to watch, but the song was nice. Plus, it had a slower tempo, and Cas owed me a dance.

I stood and offered him my hand. "Shall we?"

"A promise is a promise."

So, I led him onto the dance floor and pulled him against me by the waist. He immediately responded by wrapping his arms around my neck. "This reminds me of the lake. Maybe slightly different circumstances, but it has that same feel, doesn't it?" Cas just rolled his eyes and looked around the room, still swaying to the beat with me. "Do you think you can hold off on the snow, though? People might start questioning that."

"I can control it, you know." He tipped his head a little. "Most of the time." I felt one of his hands leave my neck, which was followed by a couple tiny snowflakes drifting past my face. They melted before they got farther than my shoulders. When I brought my eyes back to Cas, he looked smug and proud of himself. "See?"

"That was luck."

Cas blew a gust of wind at my face; it was a lot stronger than I expected, he was definitely using his powers, so it caught me off guard. "You're going to mess up my hair," I complained. Sure, it looked pretty close to how it usually did, but I put a lot of effort into it earlier.

"You mean, like this?" Cas ran a hand through the back of my hair a few times, letting his fingers trail down beneath my collar as sparks ignited on my skin.

"You're doing that on purpose now. Stop being such a tease."

Cas leaned in, so close that I could feel his cool breath on my lips. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said before pulling back.

"Mhm."

He looked around again, but fell silent. "Everyone is staring at us."

"I don't blame them. I mean, look at you."

"Dean, be serious."

"I am." I shook my head and let out a little sigh. "Why does it matter if people are watching us? People are going to do that. Do you care?"

"It's just... weird."

"Cas, this school may be pretty accepting, but we're still two guys slow dancing at homecoming. Plus, you know how many people go out of their way to criticize everything I do."

"Why is that? No one has ever explained to me why everyone is so hellbent on hating you."

"This isn't really the time or place for that conversation. Don't you think we should save that for another time and just enjoy tonight?"

The look on his face told me that he wasn't going to let this go. I felt like I should tell him; he did have the right to know.

"Then, when is the right time? Because I've known you for a month and a half now, and no one has said what the big deal is with you. What happens to make so many people hate someone?"

"You have first hand experience with that, so you shouldn't be too surprised." The words slipped out of my mouth, just above a whisper. Unfortunately, Cas still heard me. He pushed away from me and started back to the table we were sitting at. "Cas-"

"No, it's fine. Don't say anything."

I hesitated before following him. "I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't." I touched his shoulder, which he jerked away from.

"Then, how? I don't think there's a single way for you to mean anything else." Before I could stop him, he was walking away. Towards the doors.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm getting some air."

○Cas○

I sat down on one of the benches outside the building, watching the night sky6. I was being ridiculous, I knew I was, but Dean's comment still hurt. No, I shouldn't have pushed him, yet he shouldn't have said that. I mean, I also shouldn't have walked out. I just needed some time to think. I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there when someone touched my shoulder. The warmth alone from Dean's hand let me know who it was without having to look.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I don't know why I-"

"Stop." Dean's voice halted, though it wavered a bit on his last word. "Sit down." Once he did, I took a few breaths, working myself up to what I was about to say. I could feel the tensing rolling off Dean as he waited. "I didn't have a right to ask what I did. I'm sorry. If you wanted to tell me, you would have."

"It's not that I don't want to.... Cas, I just didn't want to ruin tonight by talking about my parents. I wanted everything to be about you and me. They destroyed so much of my life, and I didn't want to let them have this too. And I know I stepped over the line; I didn't mean to say that, especially how I did. I just figured you would understand what it's like to not get a say in how people see you, for them to judge you based on things you can't control."

I nodded and took one of his hands in mine. "What happened? Nothing is going to change between us."

"You know about my biological parents, right? How they ran off with Azazel for whatever reason and starting breaking countless laws in the _paratas_ and _debilis_ worlds?"

"Yes."

"Well, Azazel was unstable.... So was my father. We're not exactly sure when he became unstable, whether it was before or after my mother died, but he wasn't a good person. He had this messed up view of the world where he thought certain powers were evil. One of those happened to be invisibility."

"Like Sam?"

"He didn't know about my brother's invisibility: Sam's powers came in a little late. No, like my mother. People think my father killed her, or had a part in her death at least. I don't know if he did or not, but we went on the run after that. At the time, I didn't know that's what we were doing." He laughed darkly, humorlessly. I rubbed my thumb over his hand, which brought him back to his point. "I thought we were just moving around. Well, my father ran from the police for about four years before he decided to leave me and my brother with Bobby and Ellen. During those years, he did and said some strange things. To me, really. He kept lecturing me on how I was one of the lucky few _paratas_ who were going to change the world. I was going to get rid of the evil and deliver our people into a new age of peace. If I questioned that mission I was to somehow take, he got creative with his punishments. I don't know what he wanted me to do exactly because we spent so much time moving around, he never actually got a chance to tell me. He kept saying that once we found _them_ , we could begin and that they were going to do what my mother was too afraid and too weak to do. Cas, I don't know what any of that means. And how was I supposed to convince people that I wasn't a horrible person? All they knew about me was my parents' records, Azazel's unstablility, and the fact that I showed up out of nowhere after eight years. I barely could get kids to talk to me. Even the adults were wary of me for a while. Though, could you blame them?"

"Yes," I said firmly. Dean wasn't expecting that type of response. "It's not fair that they started judging you based on what were probably rumors."

"Castiel, isn't that what you did?"

"Well, sort of. I judged you harshly because you hit me with a dodgeball and reminded me of my ex. I didn't hear about any stories until the next day." He let out a low laugh. "What?" I asked, a smile growing on my face.

"I didn't know that. I just thought that the really cute guy that I had practically assaulted wasn't going to give me a chance because he heard all this stuff about my past." _Really cute guy?_ Dean laughed again, lighter this time. "You were a dick that day."

"I was a dick for a while, and I'm sorry about that. I should've given you a chance before I decided you were too much like Levi."

"This guy better hope I never meet him."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, really? What are you going to do?"

Dean shrugged, leaning in a few inches. "I haven't gotten that far yet."

"He should be terrified." I couldn't help but glance down at his lips; he was too close for me not to. Dean watched me, a little dimple appearing that I hadn't ever seen before.

"Oh, yeah. Definitely."

When Dean kissed me, I completely forgot what we were talking about. All that existed was the two of us: the spark of warmth that was created where Dean's fingers brushed against my ear, the fabric of Dean's dress pants where I had my hand on his knee, the cologne he was wearing that smelled so different than his hoodie I had yet to return. Dean was the one to break our kiss, backing up just centimeters but not opening his eyes.

"We should go back inside."

"Or," I held out the word until Dean looked at me, "you could kiss me like that again."

He didn't even hesitate.

●Dean●

I could've guessed a thousand times as to what homecoming would be like, but I wouldn't have come anywhere close to reality. Who would've thought that night would be the time I would tell Cas about my past, the topic I'd been avoiding all the weeks we spent together? And to think, Jo was actually right when she said Cas and I snuck off to make out; she was just a little off on when.

After those amazing, immeasurable moments outside with Cas, we finally went back to the dance. Everything was perfect after that. We found Benny and Meg with Adam and his date, a junior from the swim team named Jasmine, and talked until Cas was dragged away by Charlie Bradbury.

"You might be getting him back," she told me before she took my boyfriend onto the dance floor to do the Cha Cha Slide. My friends continued their conversation that had drifted to the upcoming Doctor Strange movie as I watched Cas who looked confused despite the song giving instructions on what to do.

"I hate this song," someone said next to me. I turned my head to find a girl wearing a silver dress with black lace around the bodice. If I was right, it was Dorothy Baum, Charlie's girlfriend. I couldn't be too sure in the dark room until she spoke again. "Charlie just had to dance to it, so she decided to interrupt you guys. Sorry about that."

"It's no big deal. They look like they're having fun." And they did. Sure, Cas still was turning in the wrong direction occasionally, but he was wearing the biggest smile.

"They look like idiots." Alright, that too. "But I suppose they're our idiots." Dorothy looked at Charlie with the same loving expression I had and sighed. "She's making me go to this _debilis_ Renaissance festival this weekend. She's trying to convince me that I'll like it, but I'm not so sure. And unfortunately, my invulnerability doesn't include death by boredom. You guys should come with us, I figure Cas will love it."

"Saturday?" I guessed. Dorothy nodded. "Ah, we can't: we already have plans that day. Well, my dad kind of made plans for us; I don't know what's going on." She gave me a strange look, so I went on. "He informed us that Cas was coming over this weekend, so..." I knew that wasn't the best explanation, but it worked.

Dorothy didn't ask anything else about the situation. "That's too bad. Have fun anyways."

"Thanks, you too. I'm sure it can't be that bad."

"Yeah. As long as Charlie's happy."

"Some other time, then. We'll have to go on a double date."

She kicked at the ground with her bare toes, making a little scuffing noise. "You two are finally together?"

"Yeah, for a week now."

"Well, congrats. I'm surprised Charlie didn't mention it. Who asked who?"

I frowned. This girl was really interested in my personal life for us not talking more than a handful of times. "I asked him."

She nodded with a smirk. "That's why she hasn't told me. She owes me ten bucks." Dorothy decided to explain after a moment of confused silence from me. "We had a bet going on to see who was going to finally do it. My money was on you." The song switched abruptly to a slow one, and Cas and Charlie made their way back to us. "You owe me ten dollars, Bradbury."

"Wha- Oh." Charlie glared at me as if it was somehow my fault she lost her bet. I suppose, in a way, it was since I asked Cas and not the other way around. "Thanks, Dean."

They left after some egging from Charlie, partially trying to cancel the bet and partially trying to dance with her girlfriend.

"What's that all about?" Cas asked.

I pulled him against me, leading him into a slow dance. "Charlie lost a bet. They bet on us," I said simply.

"Dorothy found out?" He laughed. "She's been hiding the fact that you and I are dating all week."

"You knew?"

"Of course. They've had this thing going on since the second week of school. At the time, it didn't seem very likely, but they still insisted we were going to get together."

"And here we are."

"And here we are," Cas repeated as he laid his head on my chest. The rest of the song was spent in silence, just a mutual, unspoken agreement to move along to the beat without any words. Cas fidgeted with my collar again, not in a teasing way but in a way that seemed to sooth him. His eyes were closed, and his breathing was slow and even; it was almost as if he was asleep. He looked beautiful. Cas started humming along to the music, his chest rumbling gently against my own, and I held him closer to me. I smiled to myself when Cas created another snowflake that floated by my face.

_Here we are._

 


	19. Exams & Excuses

○Cas○

It felt odd to be studying with Dean on a Tuesday, but our AP _Paratas_ midterm exam was the next day. We decided it would be best to study tonight and use our regular study date for our Anatomy exam that was Thursday. It was even weirder to be alone for so long in Dean's dorm, sitting on his bed with my sweater and tie long discarded and the top buttons of my shirt undone. Dean got an SOS text from Jo that said to meet her in the band room immediately. When he received another message, he told me that he would be back soon. It had been ten minutes so far.

I tossed my pencil into the pages of my textbook where it bounced out before rolling over my study guide and onto the floor. With a noise of disapproval mixed with boredom, I leaned off Dean's bed to get it. When I got back to my original position, I hit my head off the headboard. _This is why I have so many pillows!_

 _Alright_ , I thought, _I can't focus with Dean gone. I'm going to take a break and call home about tomorrow. Might as well get that over with while Dean's not here._

So, that's how I ended up making a phone call from Dean's room, studying pushed aside and a third of my clothes on the floor. _Wow, that came out wrong_. I was just lucky Adam wasn't around to hear that.

" _Cas, I didn't expect to hear from you today_ ," my dad said after the phone rang twice. " _Is everything okay?_ "

"Yeah, Dad. It's just... well, midterms start tomorrow, so I'm going to have to study after band practice. I don't know how long that will take because I have my medical assisting exam Thursday and my Anatomy one. It's just going to be a long day, so-"

" _You can't make it for Ezekiel and Gadreel's birthday_ ," he interrupted, finishing my sentence before I had the chance.

"Yes," I said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

" _Don't apologize to me: it's not my birthday. You promised your brothers that you would be home, so you're going to have to explain to them_."

"I know," I sighed, "but when I told them that, I didn't know exams were that day. I want to be there for their thirteenth birthday, but I can't. Can I just talk to them?"

" _Give me a second_."

A horrifically long silence was broken by Gadreel's voice. " _Hey, Castiel. What's up?_ " I was going to answer him when I was stopped by the sound of someone hitting someone else. " _Dude, what was that for?_ "

" _Put him on speaker,_ " Ezekiel commanded. A brief moment of grumbling from his twin was followed by his cheerful, " _Castiel!_ "

"Hey, guys."

" _It's weird to hear from you during the week._ "

" _What Zeke is asking_ ," Gadreel interrupted, " _is why you're calling. He's just too Canadian to say it like that._ "

" _Canadian? Really? Gad, we're American.... and twins. If I'm Canadian, so are you_."

" _Then, you're too much of a Hufflepuff._ "

" _That's just rude; don't diss my house just because you're a Slytherin. Cas and I will-_ "

"Guys. Focus."

" _Right. What'd you need?_ "

"I wanted to talk to you guys about tomorrow."

" _You're still coming home, right?_ " I could hear it; Ezekiel already knew what was coming.

"I'm so sorry. I'm going to be in the middle of exams and practice. I really wish I could, but I can't."

Gadreel laughed dryly. " _I saw that coming_."

" _Really, Gad? You saw that one but I didn't?_ "

" _I didn't need to see into the future to know he was going to ditch us for that new guy of his_." My brother was so bitter. He didn't have the best outlook on life anyways. Ezekiel could see the hope for the future; he knew things would get better. Gadreel could only see the terrible things that had already happened in someone's past, not knowing if they would be resolved or if anything would happen to make up for it. But somehow, this was something else entirely. He may not say it, but he was looking forward to having the whole family together for their birthday; he was really upset.

"Gadreel, that's not why. I want to come home, but I-"

" _Can't. I know. You mentioned that a few times_." He sighed. " _Just go make out with that new boyfriend of yours while you still can. Better hope this one doesn't find someone better than you like Levi did. Wouldn't want you running away from another school._ "

" _Gadreel!_ " Ezekiel shouted.

"It's fine, Zeke," I said quietly.

" _Gadreel, come back. Ugh! I'm sorry, Cas. You know he didn't mean it: he's just upset. He lashes out when he's upset._ "

"I know. Just... tell him that I'm really sorry. Your presents are in my room whenever you want them. I put them on the shelf in my closet after I bought them last week."

Ezekiel was silent for a long time, so long I thought he ended the call. Finally, he told me, " _Okay, I'll give Gad his later._ "

"Do you think it'd be okay if I called tomorrow before dinner? Would he even want to talk to me?"

" _It's worth a shot._ "

I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I'm really sorry. I wish I could come tomorrow."

" _I know, Cas. It's fine. He'll get over himself soon and will apologize._ "

"I feel like I deserved that, though. But Dean has nothing to do with this; I hope he knows that."

"He does. Gad just knows you have a soft spot for him, so that's where he went first. Then, to Levi."

So, my brother thought Dean was my weakness? Maybe he was right. I'd been going to great lengths to keep my family from thinking bad about him. There was just something about my boyfriend that made me protective. "I suppose you're right. Tomorrow, then. I love you."

" _Love you. I'll tell Gad you love him.... and the rest of the family, I guess. Bye_."

"Bye."

I closed my eyes again, leaning my elbows on my knees with my face in my hands. _Well, I guess that could have gone worse. My brother just seems to think I'm ditching him for Dean, so that's fantastic. I hope he'll cool off by tomorrow; if he doesn't, by the next time I see him, he should be alright._

"Is everything okay?"

I jumped, my hands falling to my lap as I looked to where a voice pierced the silence. "Dean, oh. Yeah, I guess." I hesitated, somewhat bothered by the invasion of privacy, even though I was making a phone call in his room. "How much of that did you hear?"

"Just that you can't go somewhere, but it's not my fault. What's happening tomorrow?" Did he- Was that jealousy that I heard in his voice? What did he think was going on? Who did he think I was talking to? I had to admit, if you only heard pieces of what I said, the conversation was odd. _Would he even want to talk to me? I wish I could come tomorrow. Dean has nothing to do with this_. I guarantee the _I love you_ was bothering him too.

"My brothers' birthday. The twins," I began. "I was supposed to come home, but we're in the middle of midterms. Gadreel isn't too happy about that." I decided I'd had enough of the questions and the pitying look Dean was making, so I changed the topic. "What did Jo need?"

"Apparently, Zayn has to get his wisdom teeth removed this Friday and can't make it to the game. He also won't be able to play for about a week, so we won't have our snare solo in the drumbreak for two weeks. She wanted my advice on what to do."

"Shorten the drumbreak or give someone else the solo?" I guessed.

"Yep. I told her to let someone else give it a shot and only cut that part if we need to. The rest of the band knows the moves for the shortened break where all of the solos are cut, so we might do that." Dean just shrugged, surprisingly not caring about it too much. "Let's just get back to studying."

"Okay," I muttered, a bit worried about how Dean had been acting lately. It was like he had something on his mind that was bothering him, but he wouldn't talk about it. I wanted to do something, yet that was impossible without knowing what was wrong. I couldn't do anything if Dean didn't talk to me.

●Dean●

I glanced carefully at Cas. He was on edge ever since that phone call with his brothers. He was pressed against my headboard, legs crossed with a textbook resting on them. His grip on his pencil was dangerously tight; I was surprised his sharp movements as he wrote didn't cause the graphite to splinter under the pressure. Cas switched between looking worriedly at me and glaring at the material in front of him. Right now, his harsh gaze was on the pages he was thumbing through. I tried to ignore his abrupt change in attitude, but that was difficult. I'd managed until that moment. Cas noticed my silence, his eyes snapping to my face. When he saw my expression that had to show my apprehension and worry, his anger melted into something kinder and gentler. His eyes lightened, the crease between his eyebrows dissolved, and his mouth softened from a frown to an indecipherable line.

"You're not okay," I stated, not giving him a chance to argue otherwise. "Are you going to talk to me about it, or are you going to bottle everything up until it's too much again?"

"You act like you don't do the same thing." He snapped his book closed in a swift motion. Everything about his tense posture was telling me to just let him go on until he was finished. "How long did you keep the truth about your parents from me? How long will it be before you decide to tell me what's going on with you? You've been distant and quiet the past couple days, and I have a feeling it's something more than what happened at homecoming."

"That's something different. You can't fix that."

"And you can stop my brother from hating me because he thinks you mean more to me than him?" Cas retorted. I didn't answer. "That's what I thought. Now, I have to figure something out because I couldn't spend time with him or Ezekiel last weekend because I was with you at a dance, and I can't this weekend because I'm supposed to do something with you."

"So, it's my fault," I said quietly, not even asking.

Cas touched the bridge of his nose briefly. "No. It's my fault."

I tried- and failed- to suppress my smirk, the one that seemed to irritate Cas even more. "What?"

"Is this what we're going to do? We're going to keep everything to ourselves until the other forces the truth out of us? Are we going to end upset every time one of us is worried about the other?"

"I guess it makes sense in the moment. If there's nothing you can do, why bother you?"

My shoulders slouched a little. Sure, I hadn't been the most open about everything that was going on, but that was because I was used to keeping things about my biological parents to myself. People only trusted me so much, and having nightmares for weeks about my mother's murder wouldn't sit well with anyone. Cas just thought he was being a bother by talking to me, though.

"Because we're dating, and I want to do everything in my power to make you happy. I mean that whether that entitles simply listening to what's on your mind or taking a trip to France to get you breakfast." He giggled, the sound so pure and calming.

"You don't have to-"

"I know I don't, but I _want_ to be here for you. For the good times and the bad. You should know that."

"I want that too. I want to be that for you, so whenever you're ready- if you're ready- you can talk to me about what's going on with you."

"I know." Maybe we could both learn to open up our hearts, but it might be easier to leave this one topic untouched for a while. Just until the worst part had passed.

After that, there weren't going to be any secrets left between us. At least, not with me.

•••

"No, Dean!"

With his arm still at my mother's throat, Azazel flicked his head back to me, his eyes gleaming an unnatural yellow. I knew from the angle I saw the scene unfold that I was reliving one of the worst days of my life as a four-year-old. Azazel laughed, a sickening noise that didn't belong in my house. "How sweet, Mary, your son wants to protect you. I wonder how he'll feel once he goes through the same thing I did."

My mother gasped for air before letting out a shriek as the flames crept to fresh, untouched skin. I dashed towards her, knocking the man into the wall. His ribs cracked, and he grunted in pain. My mother collapsed to the ground, but I held Azazel in place with my new powers I couldn't begin to understand how to control. I only released him when I heard another scream from the woman just feet away from us. Azazel took that moment to grab something within reach and hit me in the head. I stumbled to the carpet.

He was clutching his side as he pushed himself off the wall. "Don't think that your dear ol' daddy can get out of our deal." His creepy yellow eyes drifted to the doorway where I saw my father, just standing in horror.

He didn't even try to help me or his wife.

A mix between a growl and a scream ripped from my throat as I tackled the man, sending him out the now broken window. I didn't hesitate to see what happened to him, only running to my mother's side.

"Sammy," she choked out. "Get him and keep him safe. Please, Dean." She was crying. No, my mother was sobbing. "Take care of your brother; take care of yourself. I love you. God, I love you so much. Dean-"

I was pulled away by my father, telling me to take my brother outside. I did as I was told, hearing my father cry for the last time. Once I was outside, Sam was strangely peaceful, yet I was terrified. In our yard was broken glass from the window pane. Only broken glass...

•••

I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling I had when I woke up at around two in the morning. That dream was real; that was exactly what I remembered that night. So many things were a mystery, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what led to my mother's- and I suppose, my father's- gruesome demise. The truth may bring to light something even darker than the shadows that haunted me now.

•••

I was exhausted to say the least. It wasn't until five o'clock that I fell back into a fitful sleep. My measly hours of rest were interrupted by a soft knocking on the door. With a low groan, I got up to answer it, my head pounding at the sudden movement.

The last thing I expected to see was Cas with two to-go cups in my doorway. He was already dressed in his uniform, his hair neater than usual. He shifted his gaze from the floor, and a wide smile stretched across his face.

"Morning." His eyes raked over me, from my bedhead to my old pajama pants Jo gave me a few years ago for Christmas. Cas raised an eyebrow, most likely at the color scheme of my pants- a gradient of pink, purple, and blue. I honestly didn't know where my sister found some of the things she bought.

"You're up awful early."

A small giggle escaped Cas's lips. "Dean, it's almost eight thirty."

"Well, shit," I mumbled.

I hovered at the door until Cas spoke again. "You should probably get dressed. Unless, of course, you're going to gym in that."

"Don't mock me, Castiel." I motioned for him to come into my room, immediately getting a uniform from my closet and stealing away into the bathroom. Five minutes passed and I was back in my room, kissing Cas on the cheek and thanking him for my coffee. "You're a lifesaver."

"It's just coffee. Besides, I couldn't sleep," _you and me both,_ "so I was up early." He watched me tie my shoelaces for a moment before clearing his throat. He shifted awkwardly as he was still holding both cups of coffee. "Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to snap at you. I was just overwhelmed, and I know that's not an excuse for-"

"It's fine," I assured him, touching his cheek. "There's no need to apologize. You're allowed to be upset about the stuff that's happening. And I'd rather we talked about things than keep it all buried, even if our talking isn't as civilized as it probably should be." I earned a sheepish grin from Cas, to which I responded by pecking him on the lips. "You never have to apologize to me for how you feel."

"Are you okay?"

"I've been better," I admitted, "but talking with you, being here with you, is helping. I know you have no idea what's going on. I know I'm being extremely hypocritical by not telling you, but I need to work it all out on my own first." I glanced to where Cas was still waiting and moved from my bed.

"I understand."

I kissed him again, letting my gratitude speak through the simple action. As I stepped away, I took my coffee from him with a soft smile. Cas's eyes were questioning as he stared up at me through his dark lashes. "Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is real."

"Do you ever doubt it?" He seemed amused, but I wasn't joking.

"I always feel like I'm dreaming with you. And I never want to wake up."

Cas blushed and looked at his feet. "You're so cheesy sometimes."

"I'm just being honest."

"That's the best part."

•••

After Anatomy, Cas waited for me at his desk like always. Once I made it to the front of the room, we filed into the mass of students leaving the classroom. We started towards the band room, and I decided to make light conversation.

"So, first day of midterms. How do you think you did?"

Cas shrugged. "It's not like Bobby," an odd look crossed his face, as if he wasn't used to calling him anything other than Coach Singer, "was that hard on us. I can do a few push ups and run laps."

"Yeah, he usually goes easy on that class for exams because it's mostly athletes whose coaches have them take the class in the off season and football players. You got lucky to get that class." It was true. Dad tended to be harsher on his other gym classes; he always felt bad for the kids who had to take gym every year and only made the football team do it so we were staying active since we only practiced every other day.

"It's just how my schedule fell together."

"And _Paratas_?"

Cas moved out of the way as a girl pushed in front of him to catch up with her friend. He shook his head and went through the front doors into the open air."I'm not sure. I think I did alright, but I probably didn't get an A. Towards the middle, I started to forget most of the dates. I'm pretty sure I missed a few questions about creating the dimensional planes." He shrugged again. "Oh, well."

We neared the edge of the main building and turned to the fine arts wing. "Have you talked to your brothers today?"

Cas sighed. "Just Ezekiel."

"I'm sure everything will work out," I told him, touching his shoulder.

"Yeah, they will." He didn't sound like he believed his own words.

I nudged Cas with shoulder. When he looked up at me, I gave him a smirk. "At least practice is going to be short today."

"The one good thing about midterms."

My expression softened into a smile. "We should get dinner afterwards."

"Isn't it a little early for dinner?"

I simply shrugged in response, pushing the door open once we reached the building. Cas lingered behind as we walked to the band room and was unusually quiet as we made our way to the field. Whatever was wrong, Cas didn't seem to have any intention on sharing.

○Cas○

I smiled to myself as I watched Dean finish off his slice of pie. He obviously sensed my staring as he looked up from his plate. "What?" Dean laughed with a lopsided grin.

"I've never seen anyone so addicted to food before. And that's saying something because I grew up with Gabe, who has been addicted to candy since before he could say full sentences."

"I'm not addicted," he scoffed. I eyed his empty plate, to which Dean blushed. "I just like pie, okay?"

I shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is. Sure, it's good, but not good enough to eat that much. Have we ever sat down together and eaten without you getting a slice of pie?"

"Yes, I have, actually," he told me defensively. "Our picnic, the drive-in, homecoming, I'm sure a few times at school." I held up my hands in surrender, letting him have that one. Dean chuckled to himself, but his face eventually fell. "Are you okay? You've been quiet all day."

 _Talk to him_ , my brain insisted.

 _No_ , another part was screaming out, _he won't understand. Even if he did, he wouldn't care._

_He wouldn't be asking if he didn't care._

"I called home this morning before I went to get coffee. I wanted to tell the twins happy birthday before they went to school, but Gadreel wouldn't even pick up the phone. He told Ezekiel that I could keep my well-wishes and the gifts I bought him," a signed copy of the newest installment of a book series by his favorite author and a gift card so he could buy new plants for his succulent garden in his room. "He's still pretty upset."

"Are you sure that it's just his birthday?" Dean questioned. A look passed over his expression, followed by a gesture that translated to _wait, let me explain._ "I'm not saying _you_ did anything, but he could be upset about something else and is just projecting that hurt onto you."

"How philosophical of you." Dean smiled. "I guess you could be right. What do I do, then?"

Dean only shrugged before speaking again. "You might have to just wait until your brother is ready to talk. I don't know what he's like, though; he might want you to try to talk to him again."

I felt like that was closest to the truth. Whatever was wrong, whether it was because I couldn't come home or something else, I had to try again. Gadreel had to come around eventually. Nodding, I admitted, "I'm just worried. My brothers and I aren't very close, excluding Gabe and Alfie, I guess."

"It'll be fine. Now, why don't we get out of here and head back to my dorm?"

"I'm sure that sounded less suggestive in your head."

Rather than answering, he winked at me. I rolled my eyes. "I'll wait outside for you."

Dean nodded and walked towards the cash register while I went out the doors. I leaned against the building and was about to pull out my phone to play games until Dean was finished when it started vibrating. I was surprised to see my home number appear on the screen.

"Hello?"

" _Hi, Castiel._ " It was Gadreel. " _Zeke said you called earlier._ "

"Uh, yeah. I wanted to wish you two a happy birthday.... And to say sorry again for not being there today."

" _It's fine, I just- Why didn't you tell us what really happened with Levi?_ "

"What?" I stammered. Where was this coming from?

" _I saw it, Castiel. Well, not it. I- I didn't see him, you know..._ " He paused, obviously flustered. " _I saw you confronting him. Why didn't you tell us that you broke up with him? Why didn't you tell us that he cheated on you?_ "

"Gad-"

" _No, don't_ Gad _me. I want to know why you lied to us_."

"I didn't! I just told you that we broke up. You and Zeke were eleven; I didn't think you'd care about the details. Why does it even matter?"

For a moment, I thought he wasn't going to answer. " _I feel awful for what I said. If someone I loved did that to me, I'd probably want to leave too_." It occurred to me that Gadreel had never said that I loved Levi before. It was stupid to think about, but it felt like that gave my brother a little more humanity than he usually had when he was cold and distant like that. It felt like this could be the start of ending that fight. " _You weren't running away. It probably took a lot to be with Dean and to trust him, so I shouldn't have compared him to Levi. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was what happened with you two. I just thought you two broke up, and you didn't want to see him anymore_." I could hear him tapping on something in the background, not wanting to continue. " _I saw you talking to him, but I saw what he did after you left too. He watched you drive away until you were out of sight, and he started crying. Then, he picked up a framed picture and threw it against the wall. There was shattered glass and splintered wood everywhere. He started yelling at himself as he went through text messages and pictures and... Cas, he loved you. In some weird, twisted way, he loved you. And I saw everything, and I had to call you. I don't know why I saw any of that, but I wanted to say that I'm so sorry_."

I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks, either from knowing about Levi or hearing my brother apologize. "Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me."

" _I love you_ ," he said shyly.

"I love you too. Happy birthday."

Gadreel laughed. " _Thanks. And thanks for the presents; I love them. I'll talk to you sometime. You're still coming home for Thanksgiving, right?_ "

"Definitely."

" _Good_." He paused. " _Bye, Cas_."

"Bye, Gadreel."

I pocketed my phone and wiped at my face, trying to dry it off. As I did so, the bells on the door signaled it opening, and I was faced with Dean. He was just staring at me, confused as to why I was crying outside the diner.

"Are you alright?" Dean repeated for the tenth time that day, yet so much more concerned this time.

I gave him a tiny nod before pulling him into a hug and burying my face into his shoulder. Somehow, things felt better than alright.

 


	20. Pumpkins & Peace

●Dean●

**To Jo:**   
**Come one just tell me**

**From Cas:**   
**I'm ready whenever you are**

**To Cas:**   
**Alright I'm just trying to get Jo to tell me what we're doing**

**From Cas:**   
**You don't know what's going on?**

**To Cas:**   
**Nope I'm just as lost as you are**

**To Cas:**   
**I was just told to bring you for dinner and that we were going to do something before**

**From Cas:**   
**Now I see where you get it from**

**From Jo:**   
**You know it's a surprise**

**From Jo:**   
**I can't tell you anything other than when to be home**

**To Cas:**   
**Get what?**

**From Jo:**   
**Mom wants you and Cas here around two. Is that good?**

**From Cas:**   
**The whole surprise dates and secrecy thing**

**To Jo:**   
**Yeah I'll tell Cas**

**To Cas:**   
**I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree**

**To Cas:**   
**But that's not really a good metaphor since I'm adopted**

**From Cas:**   
**It's also not a metaphor. It's an idiom**

**To Cas:**   
**Stop making fun of me**

**From Cas:**   
**I'm not**

**From Cas:**   
**I'm just pointing out that you're wrong**

**To Cas:**   
**Why do I like you again?**

**From Cas:**   
**I've been trying to figure that one out since day one**

**To Cas:**   
**I'm just keeping you around because you're a good kisser**

**From Cas:**   
**I knew it**

I put my phone in my pocket with a grin and made my way to Cas's dorm. It took less than ten seconds for him to open the door and pull me into a surprising, but not bad, kiss. For a moment, I thought he was going to deepen the kiss, but he just nipped at my bottom lip before backing away.

"Since that's all I'm here for," he drawled out with a wink. I just let out an exasperated huff.

He turned back into his room to unplug his phone and shove it into the pocket of his hoodie. I stared quizzically at him before I realized why his ensemble looked familiar. "That's my hoodie." It was, in fact, my red marching band sweatshirt that I was looking for earlier that week. I thought I just misplaced it; I forgot I let Cas keep it all those weeks ago after a date.

Cas froze in his tracks, fingers gripping the fabric at the ends of the sleeves. All of his previous confidence seemed to drain as he stared at me from across the room with wide eyes. "Should I- Should I not wear it? Do you want it back?"

"No," I said quickly, moving to him. "I was just surprised." I let myself look over his body, taking in the way the article of clothing that fit me well hung off his small frame. It draped past his hips, and the sleeves fell almost to his fingertips once he let his grip loosen. He looked absolutely adorable. "I love the way it looks on you, actually. You should wear it more often."

"Yeah, yeah," he told me, kissing me again and taking my hand. "Should we go ahead to your house? It's almost one."

I shrugged, but started towards the door. "Mom wanted us there around two, but I'm sure they won't mind us coming early."

Cas nodded, stopping to lock the door behind us. "So, you really don't know what's going on?"

"No. Mom mentioned something about family traditions or something, but that could mean almost anything. We had a tradition of sorts where we had blueberry waffles every third Monday of the month for dinner for years. I'm not quite sure what she means by tradition."

"As long as we're not jumping off the roof in the hopes of getting the ability to fly."

Cas had this devious smirk playing on his lips that, oddly enough, made me want to kiss him. "How did you know about that?"

"I love talking to your sister: I get to learn all kinds of interesting things."

"I only did that a few times," I tried.

"Twelve. You did it twelve times."

"Jo needs to learn to keep her mouth shut," I mumbled, completely embarrassed. "When do you guys even talk about this stuff?"

"I help her out with band stuff occasionally when you're at football practice. We like to get something to eat afterwards and gossip."

"About me?"

"Not just you. Lots of things. Lots of people." Biting my lip, I suppressed a smile; Cas saw through it, though. "What are you grinning about?"

"You."

"Well, that's specific."

"It's just..." I let out a little sigh, not sure how to finish my thought. "You're something else, Castiel."

"Thanks?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

•••

The door swung open silently, as quiet as the rest of the house was. I frowned. _Why is it so quiet?_

"Give me a second," I told Cas, slipping my hand from his. "Mom? Dad?" I called. No answer. "Sam? Jo?" Nothing. I wandered around the first floor, hoping to find someone in the kitchen or living room or somewhere else. Every room was empty, as well as the backyard. I'd never been in the house when it was this quiet: it was always filled with my family or, at least, signs they would be back soon. "I don't know where they are," I informed Cas once I reached the front door again. "I guess we just wait for them to get back." The way that came out sounded like a question. It was apparent how confused I was.

I tried to brush that aside. I tossed my keys onto the table by the stairs and slipped off my shoes. Cas silently mimicked my actions before following me into the kitchen. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"Sure. Uh, water?"

I laughed to myself, noticing how awkward my boyfriend was for no reason. It was just me and him; there was nothing to feel awkward about. Rather than point this out, I got two glasses from a cabinet and poured us water from the refrigerator. I handed a glass to Cas, giving him a kiss before he took a drink.

"Here, bring that upstairs." The empty house was starting to unnerve me. Maybe being in my room, which was considerably smaller than the openness of the rest of the house, would feel better. I didn't even check to see if Cas was following me; I just made my way to my room and hoped he was close behind.

When I pushed the door open, I immediately set my glass on my nightstand and made myself comfortable on my bed. Cas was standing outside the doorway when I looked up, just gazing around the room he had yet to enter.

"You _can_ come in," I said teasingly.

Without much more prompting, he placed his water by mine and sat beside me. He looked like he had something he wanted to say, so I waited until he spoke up.

○Cas○

I followed behind Dean from a distance, panicking inside the whole time. It was hard to blame me: the situation did seem a little too perfect. Dean wants to bring me home, but his family is strangely missing. Now, he was taking me up to his room. How could I not see the worst in that moment? Deep down, I knew I was being stupid. I knew Dean; he wasn't going to try anything, especially if I didn't want him to. Right?

Well, I followed him anyways. I followed him up the stairs and through the door by the balcony that overlooked one of the rooms on the first floor. Actually, I followed him to the door and stopped. Something inside me was saying this was a bad idea; I almost wanted to agree. Rather than go inside Dean's room, I looked around from the hallway. His walls were a light grey, almost silver with black accents around the room. He had a black bedspread, as well as black curtains, a lamp, and rugs on his richly colored hardwood floor. It was much different than his white sheets and pillow that went with the off-white walls of the dorms. Strangely though, his room back on campus seemed more lived in and welcoming than that one. There was something almost intimidating about Dean's room, and not just because we were alone in his house.

Dean caught me gawking, and his face lit up in a smile. "You _can_ come in."

"I know," I mumbled. Once I put down my glass, I sat beside Dean. My boyfriend looked at me expectantly, like he assumed I had something to say. "This is weird," I admitted.

"Why is it weird?" Dean asked, equally confused and entertained. "It's just us; it's just like any other day back in the dorms."

"It's just- Nevermind, it's stupid."

"Whatever you have to say isn't stupid. You can talk to me."

I crossed my legs and looked away from him. "The more I think about it, the more I just want to forget it." Dean didn't need to know that I was worried about being in his house alone with him. Sometimes my mind just jumps to the absolute worst case scenarios. "What were you saying earlier about a band trip?"

Dean looked concerned but went along with the shift in topics. "I think you would've gone to it in California. We're going to the Autumn Festival in Marxton, Colorado. It's a big thing with carnival rides and games and bands and vendors selling stuff. There's a parade the first day that marching bands compete in. And there's-"

"Dean, I know what the Autumn Festival is. We went every year."

"Oh. Well," he started fidgeting with the fabric on his pillowcase, not meeting my eye, "I was thinking we could spend the day together. You know, just you and me. Like a date of sorts."

"Why Dean," I gasped dramatically, placing a hand on my chest, "if we weren't dating, I'd start to question your intentions."

"What?"

"Alone at the Autumn Festival? That might as well be a proposal." Once he realized I was teasing him, he cracked a small grin. "But seriously, I'd love to."

"I'm guessing Claydon felt the same way about the Festival as we do."

I nodded. "Apparently, that's one of the most romantic things to do in high school. I honestly don't get it."

"You've got to see the magic of that place."

I couldn't tell if he was joking. "Really?"

"Absolutely. Give it a chance, babe." I raised my eyebrows. _Babe? Where did that one come from?_

"That's new," I stated lamely. Dean didn't respond; he only gazed at me with an odd expression. "But I think I will give it a shot. I may have been looking at it in the wrong light. I'm sure being there with you will change my mind."

"What a sap," Dean muttered to himself as he leaned towards me. He closed the short distance between us, softly kissing me while his hand moved to the back of my neck to pull me even closer. I did as he wanted and turned the already small space between us nonexistent.

After a moment or two, I ran my tongue along his bottom lip. I expected him to part his lips, yet Dean pulled away. This was all fine last week during homecoming, but apparently it wasn't now. Neither of us said a word, though the look in Dean's eyes was saying enough.   
_Are you sure about this?_ I didn't let him voice his worries because I pressed my mouth to his again, forgetting all about my own worries earlier. This time, Dean didn't back away.

°°°

I wasn't sure how much time had passed; all I knew was that by the time Dean's bedroom door swung open, I was sitting in Dean's lap while his hands roamed under my shirt. I jumped at the sound, causing Dean to rest his hands on my waist before kissing me one last time.

"Hi, Jo," Dean acknowledged, his voice rougher than usual. He was talking to his sister so calmly, as if she didn't just walk in on us making out or as if I wasn't still sitting in his lap. I tried to move, but Dean held me in place. "I'm glad you figured out how doors work rather than phasing through them. I've got to tell you, though, your timing is horrible. What do you want?"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Jo smirking at us. Feeling my whole face heat up, I hid it in the fabric of Dean's shirt. One of his hands slid up to rest on my back, still under my sweater.

"Well, we're home, so Mom wanted to see if you two wanted to join us. Or you could just stay up here if you really wanted to. I guess just keep the noise down." She was just teasing us now.

"We might as well go downstairs since you already interrupted us. Really Jo, learn to knock." Jo snorted and closed the door, leaving me and Dean alone again. Dean ran his hand through my hair, probably trying to fix it. "We better head down there. We can always finish this later."

I only hummed in response, standing up and getting my glass of water from the nightstand. Dean walked to the door and held it open for me. When I got to him, he pulled me in for another kiss. I had a feeling that today was going to be a good day.

°°°

Never in a million years would I have guessed what was waiting for us in the kitchen when we got downstairs. Not only did it look like the Singers had bought out an entire grocery store, but there were half a dozen pumpkins sitting on the island with the rest of the groceries. I cocked my head to the side, wondering what Dean's family had planned, even trying to get his attention. Unfortunately, Dean was already making his way to one of the stools at the island and didn't see me.

"It's nice of you boys to join us." I honestly couldn't tell if Bobby was joking.

Dean chose to ignore him, which kind of told me Bobby was messing with us. "What are you planning on making? It looks like you bought... well, everything."

"We did," Dean's little brother said, carrying a gallon of milk to the refrigerator.

Ellen shot him a look before turning back to her other adopted son. "We didn't know what Cas liked, so we wanted to be prepared."

_They went through all this trouble for me?_ "You really didn't have to do that. I don't want to be a bother."

"You're no bother at all, Cas. We want you to be comfortable here. Besides, it's the least we can do for you making Dean so happy. Honestly, all he did was mope and whine for the longest time."

" _Mom_."

"See?" I couldn't help but laugh. Dean gave me a look that said _really, you're taking her side?_ "Seeing him smile the way he does is more than worth making you whatever you like."

I didn't know what to say. Dean's whole family was accepting me with open arms, something I'd never experienced outside of my own house. It was a nice feeling to think that these people were willing to go out of their way so much just because Dean liked me. It almost made me feel guilty for the way my brothers were going to treat Dean when they met him.

"So, do you have any ideas on what you want for dinner?"

"I don't know. Can I check back with you?"

Ellen laughed, but nodded. "Of course. We do have time. Dean, help your brother and sister put the groceries away so we can get started."

I didn't bother asking what we were doing. I knew the rest of my boyfriend's family was just like him and wouldn't give me an actual answer. It was better to just save my breath.

°°°

No one would let me help, so I sat awkwardly at the island while everyone else did something. Luckily, it only took the five of them a few minutes to put everything away. Once that was all finished, Jo and Dean went to the backyard to clean up the deck; I happily followed behind to pitch in. Turns out, there wasn't much to clean up, only some scattered leaves that fell from a nearby tree.

"I'll go get a broom," Jo said.

"Don't. I've got it." Dean spoke too soon because I was using my powers to blow all the leaves into a pile off the deck before he finished speaking. "Or... Cas's got it." He turned to me, an exasperated look on his face. "You didn't need to do that."

"It was literally nothing; that took no effort at all. And besides, we both know it's a lot easier for me to manipulate the wind than for you to manipulate the air."

Dean rolled his eyes, but he knew I was right. "Yeah, yeah," he murmured, pulling me into an unexpected kiss. "Just sit down."

"What are we doing?" I asked after we were both seated against the railing.

"Carving pumpkins. It's sorta our family tradition to carve our names into pumpkins and decorate our front porch every October. We're a little late this year, but homecoming was on the day we usually would do it."

"Oh. Well, should I really be doing this? I mean, if this is a family thing, I don't want to intrude."

"Don't worry, Cas," a voice said behind me. Before I could turn around, Sam walked in front of me and set a pumpkin down. "You're pretty much family now." Without another word, he just walked away to bring out another pumpkin.

"That was oddly nice of him," Dean said, frowning as he looked back at his brother.

I ignored that, instead focusing on our previous conversation. "Okay, if I'm being a part of this tradition, why isn't Zayn? He's been around for much longer than I have. Shouldn't he be here and not me?"

Dean slipped his hand into mine, as if that was an answer. "Well, Zayn has been doing this for the past couple years. He would be here, but he got his wisdom teeth removed last night and told Jo this morning that he didn't want to move for the next week. As soon as he's feeling better, he'll come down to carve one. Jo will probably carve another one just for the hell of it too. Honestly, Mom's glad everything worked this way; she was wanting to make a big deal about everything for you anyways."

"I still don't get it. We haven't been dating for very long. Why is your family so okay with this if it's something you guys do together as a family?"

"They wouldn't be okay with it if they didn't know how serious I am am about you. Time doesn't really matter when it's the beginning of something that will, hopefully, last forever."

_Forever?_ Hearing Dean say that made butterflies flutter in my stomach. "Do you really think this will last that long?" The question might have sounded doubtful, yet it was nothing but hopeful. Even if it seemed like a long shot.

"Absolutely." I took it upon myself to bring Dean in for another kiss. This one, though, was broken quite quickly by voices.

"Ugh," Sam groaned, giving Dean a pumpkin.

"I know," Jo said. "Get a room, you two."

"We had one, but someone interrupted us," I retorted. For whatever reason, Dean and his siblings all looked at me with such pride. I guess I was starting to fit in around here.

°°°

It was so peaceful as everyone carved their own pumpkins. Bobby and Ellen were sitting at the table, talking in hushed voices while Sam and Jo were considerably louder as they talked about the Avengers. They were sitting opposite of the spot Dean and I hadn't moved from.

Jo caught my eye and winked. Before I could question her or Dean, she went back to her name. I just shrugged it off, deciding it wasn't important. Going back to my own work, I stopped.

"Should I put Cas or Castiel?" I asked, leaning to Dean.

"We all call you Cas, so you can leave it at that. But if you want to put your full name, go ahead."

I nodded, yet I didn't fight my smirk when I looked at Dean's pumpkin. "And I thought your handwriting was messy."

He frowned at the carving that was scrawled in capital letters. "This is hard to do." He glanced at my name, also in capital letters, but neater than Dean's. "Shut up. How did you even do that?"

I held up the thick, black permanent marker. "Jo gave me this, and I just wrote my name and cut around it. Why didn't you do that?"

"This is more authentic."

"You're so dumb," I laughed.

"But I'm your idiot."

"That only works if I call you an idiot."

"Well, you said it wrong."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

We couldn't help but laugh, though.

°°°

We all finished up and placed our pumpkins on the front porch with candles inside that Dean lit. Bobby, Ellen, and Jo's were all on the bannister; Sam and Dean's were on the top step with mine on the step below Dean's. Stepping back, the house had a nice feeling to it with all of the different handwritings and the warm glow coming from the flames. The unity of this family was something else entirely; I was extremely lucky to have been accepted as one of them. They were definitely closer than my family was, though I suppose that was inevitable with a family half our size.

Dean pulled me out of my thoughts and into his side. "Looks nice, huh?"

"It's pretty."

He kissed me on the temple. "Let's go inside. Jo and Sam should be setting up whatever movie they picked." Without a moment of hesitation, Dean took my hand and led me inside.

He took me into the family room, past the room where we took homecoming pictures, and sure enough, a movie was illuminating the dark space. It seemed Dean's siblings chose the first Avengers movie to watch. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure why we were watching a movie in the first place, but I was just going with it. Bobby was sitting at one end of the sofa, and Jo made her way to the other end with the remote to the television, stretching her legs onto the cushions once she did so. Sam had claimed the loveseat, so Dean motioned for me to sit on the floor with him. We only made it about ten minutes into the movie before a thought dawned on me.

"I'll be right back," I whispered to Dean. He was obviously confused but nodded for me to go. Hoping I remembered the way, I went to the kitchen. Turns out, it wasn't too hard to find. Yes, Dean's house was fairly big, but the rooms were all connected on that side of the house. It just took a little wandering.

"Hey, Cas," Ellen chirped when she saw me. Drying her hands with a towel, she laughed. "I was just about to come get you. Did you decide what you wanted for dinner?"

"I did. Uh... I was wondering if I could help you, though." I rubbed the back of my neck, looking to the floor. "I haven't cooked since this summer, and I kind of miss it."

"You sure you don't want to watch the movie?"

"Absolutely. I've watched it so many times, I can recite all the lines."

"Well," she told me with a smile, "I'd love some help. What are we making?"

"Well, does everyone like Chinese food?"

"Cas, honey, this family will eat just about everything. What are you wanting to make?"

"Kung Pao Chicken. It's actually one of my brothers' favorites and is something I like to make." I showed her the recipe, asking if she had everything the meal needed. Once she assured me that she had all the ingredients, she informed me where the measuring cups were and headed to gather everything else.

We started cooking in a relative quiet that was only broken by the occasional exchange or loud scene playing on the television in the other room. That, naturally, didn't last too long.

"Cas, can I ask you something?"

"Yes, of course," I replied, instantly worried.

It was like she could sense my stress. "Nothing bad, I promise. I was only wondering where you learned to cook."

"Oh. Well, from my mom, actually." I could tell Ellen wanted me to elaborate, so I continued as I measured out ingredients. "Both of my parents work, and they tend to work pretty late: my dad is a board member for a company that runs out of California, and my mom owns a local law firm. Well, I say local. She owns it in California, but you probably knew that." Ellen gave me an amused smile. "My older brothers were always in charge any time they were both working, which meant they would make us dinner if they had to. Then, they all moved out of state for school and would be away for most of the year. I decided in sixth grade that I was tired of having food that I had to microwave when my parents were at work, so I asked my mom to teach me how to cook. At that point, I was only cooking for me and two of my brothers since my two youngest siblings were too young for us to look after, but I learned that I actually like cooking."

"How many siblings do you have?"

"Seven. Six brothers and a sister."

Ellen tried to hide her shock, but she had the same look everyone always had when they hear how many Novaks live under our roof. It was always one that was surprised, confused, and a little mortified. "Wow."

I laughed. "I know. My parents say they always wanted a big family. It's not always bad." I frowned. "Well, unless we're all together in a small area for a long time. We went on an actual road trip a few years ago to Disneyland. We haven't done anything like that since."

"I bet it's loud."

"You know," I snorted, "everyone always says that. I mean, it is. Don't get me wrong. But the worst thing is the lack of privacy sometimes and having to share bathrooms with everyone. Seriously, three bathrooms is not enough for ten people. I love being in the dorms and only having to share with Adam and whoever our neighbors are."

Ellen smiled, but the grin soon melted into a stoic expression. "Could I ask something else? It's about Dean."

"Oh," I swallowed the lump that immediately formed in my throat. "Yeah."

"He's definitely serious about you. I've never seen him this crazy about anyone, and he's just so happy. Dean wants to be with you for a long while." She set down the bowl she was mixing ingredients in to focus on me. "What about you? Where do you see you two going?"

"I don't know. I feel like it's too soon to really know where I want this to go, but I know I want it to last a long time too. I want to be together long enough that we both figure out where we want to go. But at the same time, even though we haven't been together very long, I know that I'm crazy about him too."

●Dean●

Shifting against the couch, I looked around the room. Sam was curled up in the loveseat to my right like a cat, his eyes wide and reflecting as he watched the movie playing in the dark room. Jo's position was drastically different from our brother's as she was stretched across the couch with her head on our dad's lap with his hand resting on her head protectively. Everything was peaceful, aside from the gunfire and all the chaos going on in the final battle of the Avengers. Well, and the fact that Cas _still_ hadn't returned. His _I'll be right back_ had turned out to take much longer than I'd assumed. Cas had missed the entire movie. Not for the first time, I moved to check on him. Judging by the sounds and voices coming from the kitchen, he was with Mom. The only thing that was stopping me was that he seemed to be having a good time.

I tried to focus on the screen, but I just couldn't. I already missed one of my favorite parts, the one where Bruce gets to the fight and delivers his famous _I'm always angry line._ Though, soon after I got back into the movie, a figure blocked my vision before planting myself beside me.

"Sorry," Cas apologized with a sheepish grin that I could barely make out, "I got a little held up."

"You're fine," I said before waving a hand at the screen. "You just missed everything."

His eyes darted to the movie, as if he didn't realize how late he was. "Oh, I guess I did. I'm really sorry; I just wanted to help with dinner. I didn't think I was gone that long."

"Guys." I looked away from Cas to my brother who was staring at us. "If you're going to talk, go somewhere else. Some of us actually want to watch this." Without saying anything else, he laid his head back on the arm of the loveseat.

Cas settled back onto the couch, content with staying quiet, but I grabbed his hand and led him into another room. This would, technically, be our living room, but it wasn't put to much use other than when we needed an area that didn't have as much furniture or whenever Mom wanted pictures in front of the windows. The idea of a formal room to entertain guests doesn't work well when we treat every person who walks in the house like family.

"I was fine staying in there," Cas informed me. His actions seemed to say otherwise, though, as he let go of my hand and sat on the small couch against the opposite wall.

"I wasn't," I objected. "I wanted to talk to you. Among other things."

" _Dean_." I laughed at the way he said my name. At this point, I'd heard that tone of voice so many times that I knew exactly what it meant. It was exasperated and unbelieving of what I just did or said, yet it was also hiding his laughter and the fact that he didn't want me to stop my stupidity.

"What? It's true." I sat next to Cas, pulling him closer to me as I brought my lips to his. Neither let the kiss go very far, happily indulging in the sweetness, the purity, of it.

"Talking, huh?" Cas joked, resting his forehead against mine.

"Oh, yeah. You're quite the conversationalist." Rolling his eyes, he smacked me playfully on the chest before leaning against the pillows. "Dinner smells good," I added, not really meaning anything by it. Mostly, it was just an observation.

"Kung Pao Chicken," he answered absently.

"What's on your mind?"

He almost looked hesitant to tell me. Finally, he caved in and went against whatever was holding him back. "It's just something your mom said earlier." _Oh, no_. "She told me that you were really happy, which isn't what I'm thinking about. I mean," he amended quickly, "I'm glad you're happy; I'm happy too. It's just- She said something after that, and it didn't really bother me, but I was wondering about it?" His last statement came out as a question, his uncertainty hanging in the air.

I touched his knee. "About what, Cas?"

"She mentioned Blake." Instantly, I removed my hand. Where was this going? "She said that she hadn't ever seen you this happy, but she went on later to say that it'd been a while since she saw you smile and laugh the way you do around me. That it'd been since you were with Blake," he said quietly. "What happened with him? I've only heard him mentioned a few times since I've been here. You've only told me that you two broke up and that he and Gabe were friends. Which you inadvertently told me that."

"How?"

"You said a friend knew my brother, and later said that Blake didn't ever tell you his last name." _Did I? I don't even remember that._ "It's like you don't want me knowing anything about him. If you don't, that's fine. But if you really see us together for all this time, can't I, at least, know why you don't say anything about him?"

"It's not like you were very quick to talk about your past relationships," I pointed out.

"Dean, that was our first date. I didn't know anything about you. I didn't know if this would go anywhere or how serious it would be. Had I known that we'd be here, I would've told you when you asked. I think we can both say that things have changed a bit since then."

Leaning back, I let out a long sigh. I knew he was right; he deserved an explanation after all this time. "Blake and I dated for about a year and a half before we broke up. We had some issues, but everything was pretty normal; we were both pretty happy. Then, he got accepted into a college across the country, even though, supposedly, he'd been planning on staying here. He lied to my face and said he didn't want to go anywhere else. We got into an argument and spent a few days apart, but there was something different about us after that. After a while, we both kind of agreed that everything would be best if we just broke up."

"It was mutual?"

"Yeah. It was just easier. He was going to college; I was starting my senior year of high school. Neither of us needed a long distance relationship to worry about. Besides, we weren't happy."

"What's the problem, then?"

"I cared about him. A lot. He was one of my closest friends, and I lost him because of a high school relationship. There were a lot of things that I couldn't explain and questions I didn't have answers to towards the end, which has always bothered me. Who likes an unfinished story?" I shrugged, looking back at Cas. "I guess I haven't brought him up because there's nothing to really say about him: we dated, we broke up, it hurt, he's gone. I try to put as much of my past behind me that I can so I can keep moving forward. It feels better, more natural that way. And it's not that I'm not talking about him or keeping things from you in any way.... I've moved on- obviously- and I don't even think about him anymore. I haven't for a while."

"When did you break up?"

"March."

Cas laughed dryly, pulling his legs to his chest and wiggling his toes in his brightly-colored socks. "That makes me sound so pathetic." I didn't know what that meant, but Cas continued before I could ask. "It took me, what, over twice as long to get over my last break up than yours."

"Cas, one, you aren't pathetic. I can't imagine you ever being pathetic. Two, we had different relationships. They were with completely different people, lasted different lengths, and ended on different notes. There wasn't really anything for me to move on from, other than a guy who was going to leave the state in a couple of months anyways. Taking the time you need to heal after a break up like that isn't pathetic: it's smart. And, C-"

"Dean, you were using numbers, not letters."

"Oh. And, three, none of that matters anymore. Not Levi, not Blake, not anyone who ever treated you wrong. All that is important is here and now. It's me and you and Charlie and Kevin and Dorothy and Benny and-"

"I get it, I get it." He stopped my hand in the middle of a gesture, holding in place. "Thank you." As he swung a leg over the edge of the couch, tucking the other under it, he brought me into a kiss. Cas was smiling against my lips and didn't lose the grin when he pulled away.

"Are you guys ever _not_ making out?" Jo asked, seemingly materializing out of thin air. Who knows how long she was standing there? When neither of us answered her, she chuckled to herself. "Dinner's ready. It looks good, too."

"Come on," Cas urged, standing. "I'm hungry, and there's a surprise."

•••

"I can't believe you made a pie."

"You've said that a few times. I get it, Dean."

"No, _you made a pie_." Cas glanced at me, worried that I'd lost my mind. "I didn't know you-" I sighed, trying to get my point across again. "You don't understand. It's not just that, it's..." Finally, I stopped Cas in the middle of the sidewalk and made him face me. "Where have you ever all my life?"

"Uh, Illinois. California."

I rolled my eyes. "I know, Cas. That's not what I meant. It's more than the pie. It's everything. I just-" What? Love him? It seemed way too soon to even think that. Yet... it felt true. Maybe not in the _let's run away and get married kind of way_ , but I definitely felt something strong for him. There was something growing, and that something was starting to look like love. "You're amazing."

"Oh, stop it. Let's just get back to the dorms; you have football practice tomorrow, and I don't think Bobby will let you skip."

Ugh, he was right. Dad moved our Saturday practices to Sundays after our first game. Don't get me wrong, I loved having my Saturdays free so I could spend them with Cas. Sometimes, though, I wished I could stay with him even longer, not having to worry about practice the next day.

By that time, we'd gotten to our rooms. Cas kissed me on the cheek and let go of my hand. "I had fun today. I'll see you later."

"See ya."

He turned to unlock his door, but spun back to me with a smile. "Oh! How does coffee sound in the morning?"

"Absolutely perfect. You should also come to practice with me."

"Not going to happen." I wanted to protest, but Cas stopped me once again. "While I'd love to," I could almost taste his sarcasm from across the hall, "I'm going to the animal shelter with Adam tomorrow to volunteer, then I'm helping Jo pick out Christmas music for our concerts and parades. Christmas is nine weeks away, and our first Christmas performance is in six weeks."

I couldn't tell if he was joking, but I nodded. "See you Monday, then."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm still bringing you coffee."

"Alright, thanks. Bye, Cas."

"Goodnight."

A huge smile broke out on my face the moment the door shut behind me. _Yeah, definitely love._

 


	21. Festivals & Fears

○Cas○

I didn't want to get up. It was warm and comfortable where I was laying, and moving just felt wrong. The noise that pulled me from my sleep rang out again, but I was hoping that if I just ignored it long enough, it would go away.

Unfortunately, it didn't.

Instead, a voice was added to the sound of someone knocking on the door. "Wake up."

"Hm?" I groaned. That warmth that was wrapped around my body disappeared, causing me to curl up so the rest of the heat wouldn't go too. "Why is it so cold?" I practically whined.

"Cas, get up. We have to get to class in twenty minutes. If you would wake up at a reasonable time, you wouldn't have to rush. And it's cold because we're in South Dakota, idiot."

I tried to roll my eyes, but I was still squinting from the bright lights. The gesture probably looked ridiculous. Adam was just grouchy in the mornings; it's not like I took _that long_ to get ready in the mornings.

"Also, Dean is at the door."

"Why didn't you let him in?"

"He's _your_ boyfriend."

"And _your_ friend," I countered. When my roommate sat back on his bed to put on a pair of shoes without another word, I got up and padded my way to the door.

Dean was smiling before he saw me, but his face lit up even more. I didn't understand how he could be so cheerful that early. "Hey, Cas. Are you ready?"

I looked down at my sweatpants and hoodie that I wore to bed before raising an eyebrow at Dean. "No. I'll be just a few minutes." Leaving the door open for him, I turned to get some jeans and a shirt from my closet to change into. It was strange to be wearing something other than my uniform on a school day, but the band was leaving for the Autumn Festival during first block, so there was no need to wear it. I tried to get dressed as quickly as possible, putting on my marching band shirt, jeans, and a pair of black Converse. I brushed my teeth and hair before slipping Dean's hoodie on as an afterthought and meeting with Dean and Adam in the hallway. I swung my drawstring bag over my shoulder as I pulled the door shut behind me.

Dean pecked me on the lips as a greeting, only to earn a half-hearted groan from Adam. "Get a room, you two."

Before I could respond, my boyfriend playfully flipped him off and gave me another kiss. Adam rolled his eyes but smiled at us. "Tell me how you guys do in the competition. Hope you don't suck this year." He started walking down the halls, and I moved so I was between my boyfriend and roommate.

"Hey," Dean defended, "we got fourth place. That's not bad considering there are, like, twenty bands competing."

"Excuses, excuses." My roommate glanced at me with a cautionary look. "Don't let him eat too many funnel cakes if you want to ride anything. He always eats, like, four and _always_ throws up at some point."

"No, I don't."

"Dean, we've gone to the Festival together tons of times. We went to a _debilis_ amusement park last year, and you did the same thing. Benny and Blake have never gone on this trip without you losing your lunch."

I took Dean's hand, giving him a soft smile. "You're not eating any funnel cakes. Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah." He pouted a little. "I won't eat too much."

"Why do you listen to him? I've been telling you to stop for years."

"I've never had a cute guy tell me to stop."

Adam glared at him from across the space I was occupying. "Wow. Okay, that's unnecessary and rude. Next time you want pie, don't come asking me or my mom."

"It's alright. I've got Cas to make me pie now."

Adam almost looked betrayed. I offered him a smile, trying to defuse the friendly tension between the taller boys. "Are we still on for binge watching the Harry Potter movies?"

"Of course," Adam huffed, as if he couldn't fathom the idea of us cancelling our plans. "I cleared my whole schedule for this."

"You weren't doing anything."

Dean was casting glances between us, trying to piece together what we were doing. "Um?"

"We're watching all the Harry Potter movies Saturday. You know, ordering take out and not bothering to pretend the rest of the world exists," Adam offered as an explanation.

"I don't know if I should be happy that my boyfriend and best friend are spending time together or jealous because I wasn't invited."

"You're going to be at football practice on Saturday," I told him gently. Bobby knew everyone wanted to go to Adam's party, so he moved practice to Saturday this week. "We would've invited you if you weren't."

"No, we wouldn't have," Adam said, not so gently. "We need a break from you. Right, Cas?"

Without looking at either of them, I answered as quietly and as neutrally as possible. "There's nothing that I could say that wouldn't end badly for me. I'm not going to respond to that."

"I feel like that's the best option," Dean laughed. As an afterthought, he added, "We should have a movie night."

I wasn't sure if that was directed towards me or Adam or both of us, but I nodded anyways. "Yeah, definitely. Maybe once band slows down or after football season when you're not practicing every day."

That led to a silence; it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, just quiet. The morning wasn't filled with people's voices as they traversed to their first class or the sounds of any man-made machines whirring to life as it usually was. Everything seemed to be dulled to almost nothing. Without a conversation bouncing between our trio, the world was in a peaceful slumber. It seemed wrong to interrupt that.

"We don't have to worry about changing or going into the locker room," Dean told me, his voice hushed compared to its level before. "We'll go find Charlie on the bleachers and wait to be called out."

Sure enough, we did just that only moments later. Adam veered from us, going into the locker room as we continued to the bleachers, leaving just me and Dean for the moment. It wasn't hard to find Charlie, her red hair standing out from the clusters of blonds and brunets around her. Even as we neared her, she kept her eyes trained on her phone while she chewed on her thumbnail.

"Hey, Charlie," Dean called out, still a few feet away.

Finally, like she was being forced to, she tore her sight from the screen. "Oh, hi, Dean. Hey, Cas." I gave her a little wave. "Didn't see you guys come in."

"I'm sure you didn't; you were watching your phone pretty closely. Everything okay?" I elbowed Dean in the ribs, almost chastising him for saying that. He ignored me, though, and sat beside my friend. Without any other good option, I took the place to his right.

"Uh, yeah. Well, I think. My mom gets pretty sick a lot and has to be hospitalized sometimes. She wasn't doing so well this morning; I didn't want to leave, but she told me to have fun at the Festival. I don't like leaving her alone when she's like this."

"What about your dad?" I asked. "Could he take care of her for the day?" It was Dean's turn to glare at me for what I said.

"My dad passed away in a car accident when I was a kid," Charlie said softly.

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"It know you didn't. It's fine. That's just another reason why I'm so worried about my mom."

"If you think something could be wrong, why don't you go home? I'm sure Mr. Harrison won't mind if you miss the parade."

She nodded almost vacantly at my suggestion. "Yeah, I think I will. I don't want anything to happen and my mom to be on her own. I, uh, I'll see you guys later."

We both told her goodbye, and she ran down the bleachers to Bobby's office. "I hope her mom is going to be okay. Do you know why she gets so sick?" I asked.

"She was diagnosed with leukemia last year. She's still kind of in the recovering phases. Even with _paratas_ with healing powers, there's only so much you can do."

"That's terrible. I couldn't imagine how Charlie felt, especially after losing her dad."

Dean nodded. "High school has definitely been tough for her." A thought seemed to come to him, as he shifted and frowned. "You didn't know about her dad?"

"No. But could you blame her? We all have pasts we want to move on from; that's just part of hers."

"I think this conversation is a little too deep for nine o'clock in the morning." Dean kicked at the seat in front of him. "When was the last time you went to the Autumn Festival?"

"Two years ago," I replied without hesitation. "I pretended to be sick last year so I wouldn't have to go."

His expression said that he wasn't too surprised by that. "Well, we've got to make this year memorable, then. What should we start with?"

I watched as Charlie crossed the gymnasium, her head ducked the whole way. "Whatever you want. Just no funnel cakes."

"I really don't-"

His sentence- well, complaint- was cut short as Bobby's voice rang out from his office. Despite being so far away, it felt like he was standing right in front of us. "All band students are dismissed to the band room. Everyone else needs to make their way to the floor to stretch."

We both stood, along with practically the rest of the class who made their way either to the band room or the center of the room. I pulled on the strings of my bag, anxious to leave.

"You look nervous," Dean observed, gently touching my shoulder. "Are you alright?"

I shrugged, unsure how to respond. "Lots of emotions right now." And that was true. I was worried about Charlie and her mom, excited for the Festival, terrified for the parade but also looking forward to it. I couldn't wait to spend the day with Dean, but I was almost dreading it too. I didn't want things to end badly, which was how most good things end with me. Altogether, I was a mess.

Before Dean or I had a chance to speak, Benny came bounding over to us, throwing an arm around Dean. "My brother, you won't believe what I did."

"Given the context, I have no clue what you're talking about."

"I asked Meg Masters to spend the day with me at the Festival."

"Alone?"

"Yes."

"And she said yes?"

Benny dropped his arm. "Well, at first... no. But she told me this morning that she would."

"We're going to count that as a win!"

I smiled to myself as I listened to the two of them talk about the Festival and Benny's accomplishment with Meg. The energy with Benny was so different than when it was us and Adam, but it wasn't any less fun or comfortable. There was something about Dean's friends that made me feel right at home. Sometimes, I actually liked them more than my own brothers. Nevertheless, things were just so nice, and I never wanted them to end.

●Dean●

"...and just meet back here at a quarter to noon, uniforms on and instrument in hand so we can get tuned. We need to be lined up for the parade at twelve fifteen. Keep your phones on- as if that's an issue. If anything changes, you'll get a notification or a message or whatever. We'll let you know. Other than that... Have fun, and I'll see you in a few hours. You're dismissed."

The crowd gathered around Mr. Harrison quickly dispersed, leaving only a few stragglers and small groups who were still getting plans and people together. Cas was one who had yet to get his things together. He was talking to Kevin as he tried to find a place for his hat box in the room we were given in the community center to put all of our things before the parade. Everyone else had managed to settle their instrument, hat box, and music into a place before our band director started speaking, yet Cas somehow didn't. He finally found an empty section on the floor, despite that place not being anywhere near where I told him his saxophone and my things were. I shook my head to myself. _Only Castiel._

"I'll see you later, Cas," Kevin said.

"See you later."

Once Kevin was gone and we were making our way to the Festival grounds, a thought occurred to me. "Who is Kevin spending time with?"

"I think her name is Channing."

"Are they together?"

Cas shook his head, moving closer to me as we crossed onto the sidewalk. "No, but give it time."

"Are you wanting to eat before or after we march? Benny and Meg wanted to meet us for lunch."

"Maybe before." Cas shrugged, obviously not caring too much about when we did everything. "That way, we can just ride more rides after the parade."

"Okay, I'll text Benny and tell him to meet us around eleven. Is that good?"

"Yeah." He reached the ticket booth first, paying for us both before I had a chance to. "Let me do something nice for you," he told me when he saw the objections forming in my head.

I kept them to myself, choosing to smile and change the topic instead. "Thank you. So, where first?"

•••

Of all the places we could've gone, Cas wanted to find the area that was selling crafts and had businesses set up. I didn't know why he wanted to go there until we stopped at a small booth after a few minutes. "Good, they're still here."

"Who is?"

He pointed to the table that was covered in candy. "This company is from California, and our whole school was obsessed with their candy. They come here every year and sell special suckers that they don't have any other time, so we would always buy them in bulk and give some to kids who weren't in band. Well, I kept all of mine, plus some of Levi's that I always ended up with."

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, definitely noticing the way he casually talked about his ex. It seemed like some of those wounds of his were starting to heal. "I've never been back here."

"What?" Cas looked genuinely offended.

"I don't think many kids from Glen Rock have," I admitted. "We never go past the food, really."

"You guys are missing out. Seriously." He stepped up and grinned at the girl sitting behind the table. "Hey, Rachel."

"Cas, is that you?" He nodded. "Oh, my God. I haven't seen you in forever! I miss my little freshman. How are you doing?"

"I'm good, Rachel. And it's only been a year since you've graduated."

"I know. I go away to study abroad in Europe for a year, and I miss all the drama. You don't even tell me about Levi. I have to learn all of this from Hester. Jeez, Cas."

"I didn't want to bother you."

"Shut up and give me a hug." I watched this exchange from the side, very confused. "Tell me about this," she gestured at my hoodie that Cas was wearing, "because that's not a Claydon hoodie." She dropped her voice to a whisper, like she didn't want me to hear her. "Also, who is that gorgeous boy you're with? Is he yours or is he available? Because hot damn."

I gave her an awkward smile, not knowing what to say to that.

"First of all, he's mine." My heart fluttered when he said that. "But nice try, Rach. This is my boyfriend, Dean. And this?"

Cas looked down at what he was wearing. "I don't go to Claydon anymore; I go to Glen Rock, up in South Dakota. But the better question is what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, in college?"

"I don't have any morning classes, so I'm helping my parents until about noon. I'm kind of taking up the family business until I'm out of school."

"Well, I'm glad, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to see you. Which reminds me... I actually came for as many suckers as you'll let me have."

Rachel laughed, going back behind the table. "You're in luck. We brought extras just for today. Take as many as you like."

Cas took that as an invitation to sift through the different baskets of colored suckers, all shaped like leaves. After a minute, he turned to me for the first time since he started talking to Rachel. "Come here, Dean. Come get whatever flavors you want. My treat."

"Cas, I can get it."

"No, just come here."

I sighed, but did as he asked. I ended up with three suckers, all different flavors, while Cas left with twenty-five. Now, I understood why he brought a bag. "I'll talk to you later, Rachel. You'll have to text me when you have time. Maybe we can hang out during Thanksgiving break now that you're back in the country."

"Oh, yeah. Definitely. See ya, Cas." My boyfriend turned away from the girl and started outside, already tearing away the wrapper of his candy. "Nice to meet you, Dean."

"Uh, you too." I went after Cas, giving Rachel a wave as I left. I still wasn't entirely sure what just happened, so I didn't know what else to say. After a few seconds, I was back at Cas's side. "Um..."

"You should try one of these. You can put the others in my bag."

Figuring my cherry sucker was a good place to start, I unwrapped it and gave the others to Cas. "Okay, but I really wanted to ask who- oh my God."

He laughed, pulling his bag back onto his shoulders. "Good, huh?"

"Yes. We need to go back later, so I can get more of these."

Cas nodded, probably intending to buy more himself. "Alright. Now, what were you saying? You wanted to ask me what?"

"Who that was."

"Rachel? Oh." He smiled. "She was a senior at Claydon my sophomore year. She, actually, was in my section and was next to me throughout most of my freshman year field show. Rachel was pretty much the only person I let get close to me until Levi. She graduated right before everything happened with Levi; actually, I'm pretty sure she left to travel around Europe before she went to school two weeks before we broke up." I think that was the first time he's sounded okay about that. Usually, Cas said that he broke up with Levi or mentioned that Levi cheated on him when he talked about the end. For once, it didn't sound like he was placing blame on either of them, rather, accepting that it happened. It seemed like he was accepting more of his past the longer he was in Glen Rock. Maybe it was having a distance between him and his problems, maybe it was because he had people who cared about him here, maybe I was helping in some way. I hoped that I was helping him; God knows he was helping me.

"I'm glad you got to see her again. And I'm glad you introduced me to these fantastic suckers. We need to get more."

"We will. But for now, what do you want to do? I'm definitely in the mood for whatever that ride was by the snow cone stand. Also, for snow cones."

"Both. Let's do both."

•••

In the end, we hit most of the rides before we met with Benny and Meg. They were at one of the tables set up under the pavilion when we got to them, slices of greasy pizza and fries already started. Cas, as expected, made me go easy on my food. Even after I reminded him that I can take care of myself, he talked me into a hot dog and a basket of fries to share with him. Cas got some type of barbecue sandwich to accompany his fries and third snow cone. And he said I was going to overdo it.

Benny and Meg were in the middle of what looked like a heated discussion when we sat down. Meg shook her head and looked in the opposite direction of my friend. "That's a terrible idea, Benny."

"It's really not, Meg. Let's see what they think." Benny turned to me and Cas, a pleading look in his eyes. "What would you guys think about me being a vampire for Halloween? Would that be lame?"

I started to tell him that _no, he could be whatever he wanted for Halloween_ , but Cas spoke before me. "That's stupid. You should, at least, try to be creative. A vampire is a super basic costume."

"Told you," Meg cooed.

"Well, if you wanted to do a couple's costume, you should have mentioned it before today. We don't have time to be creative."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, we do. You just don't want to-"

Cas turned so only I could see his face. "Why are they so worried about Halloween?"

"Adam always invites a bunch of people over for a Halloween party, and it's kind of a rule that you have to dress up." I frowned. "I thought I told you about this."

"You definitely didn't. But does that mean we're going?"

"We don't have to if you don't want to. We could always do something else or stay-"

"Dude, no," Benny interrupted, suddenly interested in our conversation. "You have to go. It's our senior year, and we've never missed one of Adam's parties. And Cas, you just have to go."

"Benny, it's alright; I want to go. It sounds fun." I smiled at Cas. "What were you planning on going as?" he asked me.

"Uh... I hadn't thought about it yet."

"Of course you haven't. Halloween is next week, so you wouldn't have."

"We'll figure something out."

Meg rolled her eyes, directing the look towards Cas. "Boys." Cas simply laughed at that, giving me a look I could only describe as love sick. And what a beautiful look it was.

○Cas○

I don't think I could have ever imagined a more perfect parade. Not only was it the best performance marching-wise, but our sound was phenomenal. So phenomenal that we placed second in the competition. We heard the news not long after we started putting our things away in the community center. By the time I finished up, Dean ran to me and spun me around, completely throwing me off guard and causing me to lose a shoe that I didn't get to tie.

Dean put me down and kissed me, still not explaining the random display of affection.

"What's going on?" I laughed, leaning so I had a better view of Dean's face. He still had his hands on my waist, a giant smile plastered on his lips.

"We got second! They just announced the rankings."

"Who beat us?"

"I don't know. Washington, Arizona, something like that." _Those were pretty different._ "Just be happy that we got second. We need to celebrate." He let out a little gasp. "Funnel cakes."

"No."

°°°

We did celebrate, though not with funnel cakes. Dean decided against another snow cone for me, so we shared a banana split and made another trip for suckers. A few rides later, and we found ourselves settling into a cart on the large Ferris wheel. When each seat was filled, we began our slow ascent. Dean's mouth parted, as if he was about to say something, but he only licked his lips and faced the opposite direction.

Something was definitely on his mind. "Is everything alright?" I asked quietly as I touched his hand.

Dean took a deep breath, the kind that sounds labored and forced, like the person is anticipating something terrible. "I've been having dreams."

 _Okay...?_ "What kind of dreams?"

"Well, not really dreams; they're nightmares." Dean closed his eyes, a painful expression painted on his face. "I keep reliving my mother's death. I keep hearing her scream and seeing her burn to death and... and Azazel... what I did..." _What he did? What is that supposed to mean?_ "And Cas, I keep dreaming that I lose you." He finally opened his eyes, the sight shattering my heart. His deep green eyes were rimmed with red and filled with tears. It occurred to me that I'd never seen Dean cry before; it was something I never wanted to see again. "Instead of my mother, it's you burning while I'm helpless to stop it. I can't save you, and Azazel wins by taking another person I care about. I- I didn't realize how afraid I am to lose you."

I reach to cup his cheek in my hand, drawing him closer. "Everything is alright. I'm not going anywhere. You're safe; I'm safe. Nothing is going to happen to me." Dean nodded, letting his eyes drift shut in a moment of peace. I felt the Ferris wheel slow to a stop just after we passed the bottom. We had a few more minutes on the ride. I let my hand fall back onto my lap. "Have you told anyone else about this?"

"No."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since my mother died," he admitted. "I always have nightmares throughout October. It's right before the anniversary."

"Maybe you should talk to someone about this, other than me, I mean. I can't imagine what it's like to lose your parent like that, but you shouldn't be haunted by her memory every time you close your eyes." I tried to put it into words that I didn't want Dean to bottle things up like I did. I knew what it felt like to have something weigh on you and to keep it to yourself, and that almost destroyed me. I only did that for a couple years; I couldn't imagine holding something like that in my whole life.

"I don't know, Cas. I don't think I'd be comfortable talking about this to someone."

"You told me," I pointed out.

"Well, you're different. You're not a stranger whose job is to 'fix' me. You're not someone who is going to judge me for the ghosts of my past. You're not my parents who seem disappointed or guilty every time I talk about John and Mary." Dean let a small, warm smile creep onto his face, coaxing a mirroring one on mine. "I feel safe talking to you about things like this."

"You don't have to carry these things alone. I'm here for you whenever you need it, so is your family. But if you want, I'm happy to be a safe place for you. That's the least I can do for the person who changed my life and gave me back the pieces of myself that I lost a long time ago."

For a while, Dean didn't say anything. I wondered what he was thinking. _Did I say something wrong? Did something else happen that he's going to tell me about? Is he rethinking his trust in me?_

"Cas, I-"

"Alright, I hope you enjoyed your ride. Have a nice day." The woman running the Ferris wheel lifted the bar and waited for us to go. I gave Dean one last worried glance before walking far enough from the queue that it was a bit quieter.

"What were you going to say?" I asked.

"Oh, I'll tell you some other time. Benny just texted me and said he wanted to play against me in some carnival games. Apparently, he and Meg have a bet going on. You up for it?"

"Yeah." I was wondering about their bet, but a larger question filled my mind. _What was Dean going to tell me?_

 


	22. Tricks & Treats

●Dean●

The amount of enthusiasm for Adam's Halloween party each year could rival every ounce of school spirit we had during homecoming week. I could already hear people coming into his house, all the way from the opposite side in Adam's bathroom. Music was playing so loud, I was sure Kate could hear the bass pounding at the diner.

I was finishing up my costume since I waited until the first couple came to start. Maybe I'd feel bad if I had a complex costume, but I didn't. Cas and I were going as Prince Charming and Cinderella, so I just borrowed a band uniform from a few years ago. I knew it fit me since I had to fill in for our field commander the year before. I spent a good hour trying on various uniforms that were made for the commanders until I found that one. It had red pants with a white jacket that had a thin golden sash. With the white gloves I dug out of the uniform room, it looked like a pretty good copy of Prince Charming's suit at the ball. It made me wonder if that's what the designer had in mind when they made it. I paired that with dress shoes, and I was ready to go.

I wandered around the small groups of people that had swarmed into the living room and found Adam by the door, decked out in his Vibe costume, a last minute decision to go with Meg and Benny who were going as the Flash and Killer Frost. Adam turned to me after greeting two girls who were dressed as... Actually, I had no idea what they were supposed to be. "Dean, you just look like a band nerd. I mean, it's fitting, but no one will know you're Prince Charming." He frowned, making a _hmm_ sound for a long while. "I've got it. Go down into the game room where we threw all the decorations earlier and get a crown out of one of the boxes. I still have the one from when we went as chess pieces."

"God, we're so lame."

"You're right."

I thanked him and did as he told me, finding the simple golden crown that Benny wore two years ago when he was the king. I couldn't help but smile at the memory. Benny and Jo were king and queen, I was the knight, Adam was the bishop, and Blake was the rook. That night was the first time I had kissed Blake, and we started dating soon after. Straightening the crown, I tried to push the memories away. I didn't want to dwell on the past; I'd much rather focus on the time right in front of me. I didn't have any trouble erasing those thoughts from my mind the second I returned upstairs and saw Cas.

He paused in the room that was beginning to fill with people, glancing around but not seeing me. My eyes went straight to his hair. He'd dyed it a golden blond, a shade that paled in comparison to my own. Somehow, he got it to stay so it was falling on his forehead in a way that really looked like Cinderella's bangs. After I got over the sight of boyfriend as a blond, I turned my attention to what he was wearing. He had on a silver suit that almost reflected in the lights, a pale blue dress shirt joining it. In the place of Cinderella's glass slippers, Cas had on a pair of those transparent sneakers.

"Nice socks," I half-joked. One had yellow and green stripes, and the other was a light pink. I could see that Cas and I had the same lack of caring for matching our socks.

A smirk danced on his lips. "Don't think Ellen didn't show me pictures from homecoming."

"Fair enough," I laughed. "Where did you even get those shoes?"

"Gabe." Well, I should've guessed that one.

"I actually really like your hair like that. I mean, nothing beats your natural hair color, but you still look amazing."

"Thanks. This should fade out by morning. Fitting that my appearance is going to change back around midnight."

"Did you not dye it?"

He shook his head, starting towards a snack table. "You know Matthew, right?"

"Wiles? Yeah."

"He owed me a favor from MA, and since he can manipulate appearances, I had him do this for me. He told me that the color should fade, but don't be surprised if I come to school a blond tomorrow." Cas poured himself some soda and handed me a cup. I got myself a drink while he continued. "It was strange to just go to his dorm for him to run his fingers through my hair a couple times." He laughed when I coughed a little, choking on my soda. "Don't be jealous, Dean. You know I'm all yours."

"I'm not jealous," I huffed.

"You're not a bad liar either." Cas took my hand. "Come on, let's go find our friends. I'm pretty sure I saw Benny and Meg a few minutes ago, and Charlie and Dorothy are on their way."

"How's Charlie's mom? I haven't heard from her since Thursday."

Cas smiled. "She's doing good. They think she just had a stomach bug, but you know how Charlie is. She's stayed home with her to make sure everything is absolutely fine. Her mom made her leave the house."

"That's good. For both of them, I guess." I frowned. "But no Kevin?"

"He has tests in trig and AP bio tomorrow, so he's studying tonight."

"Ugh, I'm so glad I'm done with trig and never have to deal with Ms. Grayson again. There's nothing worse than her hour-long Monday tests first thing in the morning."

"How about pop quizzes on the chapters you haven't learned yet? Those things always killed our grades."

"Man, California is brutal."

"Well, there's a reason he left, hot stuff." I raised an eyebrow at Meg, but she turned to my boyfriend. "Howdy, Clarence."

"I still don't understand that, Meg."

She turned to Benny with a smirk. "It's a good thing they're pretty." She nodded to Cas. "I like your hair."

"Right back at you. You pull off the cold, heartless villain pretty well. It's hard to believe you don't always look like this."

Meg tilted her head, not even trying to hide her amusement. "Aw, too bad I didn't use my favor to get my hair permanently white. Matthew only promised me a one night look."

"How many favors did Matthew owe?" I wondered aloud. "I mean, come on; we haven't even been in school two months."

"Don't mind him," Cas told them, squeezing my hand in a teasing way. "He's just jealous."

The looks I received after that comment ranged from a teasing and amused grin from Cas to a bewildered frown from Benny to a smirk from Meg that was laced with sarcasm. "Well, then," she drawled, moving to ease Cas away from me. She put her hand on his back as they walked to the center of the room. I just barely caught both Meg's wink and Cas's panicked expression as Meg announced that she was stealing Cas for a dance.

"She only wants to mess with you. She would still be talking to us if Cas didn't make the comment about you being jealous. Which you don't have to be," he added hastily.

"Dude, I know." I clapped him on the back. "Even if Meg wasn't your girlfriend, Cas isn't the type to cheat in any way. Plus, he's gay."

"Meg's not my girlfriend."

"Really? Out of everything, you focus on that?" I rolled my eyes. "Just ask her out. Your back and forth game is starting to make _me_ tired. If you want to be with her, be with her. Before it's too late."

"Thanks, Dr. Phil."

"What? Was that getting too close to a chick-flick moment? You know you love chick-flicks."

"You do too," he rebutted, as if that changed the fact that he cries every time he watches The Notebook.

"You bet I do." Cas met my eyes, silently pleading to save him. And how could I resist a Disney prince moment like that? "I'm going to go get my boyfriend back from your girlfriend."

I walked away before he could start into another round of _she's not my girlfriend._ When Meg saw me approach, she tipped her head to Cas, her hair glinting in the lights as she moved. "See you guys later. Thanks again," she told Cas before directing a "Have fun" to me.

"What did she thank you for?"

"I put snowflakes and frost in her hair."

I frowned. "So, what was that _rescue me_ look about?"

"She asked if I could do the whole 'frozen kiss of death' thing Killer Frost does on the show. Does she just like to make people uncomfortable?"

"Yeah. Pretty much." The speakers softened as Adam's playlist shuffled to a slow song. I took that as a signal to pull Cas closer. "But now that I've got you all to myself, how would you feel about a dance?"

"With you? Anytime."

○Cas○

"What are you saying, Cas?"

I tilted my head, trying to put my thoughts into words. This didn't feel like the right time for this, but I needed to say something. "I don't really know."

Charlie leaned over the little table set up in Adam's backyard. "Are you saying that you love Dean?"

"No. Well, yes? _Maybe_. I don't know, Charles, that's what I'm trying to figure out." I glanced across the yard where Dorothy was talking to a small group of people. She kept tugging on her costume, the blue dress that Belle wears in the beginning of _Beauty and the Beast_. The only reason Dorothy dressed up was because of Charlie. When I turned back, I noticed Charlie was looking at her girlfriend too. "Do you love Dorothy?"

"Yeah, I do." She moved her dreamy gaze to me.

"How did you know?"

"I think I just _knew_. One day, I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without her; I didn't want to. So, I decided that I wasn't going to. I made the choice to love her." Charlie laughed a little. "You know, I always dreamed about marrying Scarlett Johansson, but I'm pretty sure I found something better." She let out a sigh. "I can't tell you some magic equation to figure out if you love Dean. That's something you have to decide for yourself."

I nodded. "I know that I care about him more than I've ever cared about anyone. Maybe it's love, maybe it's not, but that's okay for now. Thanks, Charlie."

"I didn't really do anything, but you're welcome."

Dean chose the perfect timing to come back with the drinks he went to get. "Alright, Coke for me, Sprite for Belle over there, Dr. Pepper for Cinderella, and cherry Dr. Pepper for Ariel. What did I miss?"

"Oh, nothing much."

°°°

I tapped on my desk, trying to focus on the problems in front of me. Eventually, I just gave up and decided to do the worksheets later. I glanced back to the empty desk on the other side of the room, Dean's absence deafening in the silent room. All day, I'd heard his name whispered under people's breath in the halls, and a heavy tension followed me around everywhere I went. None of our friends would talk about him, changing the subject if I brought him up. I couldn't take the stares I was getting without knowing why, and I couldn't help but jump to the worst case scenarios.

After an eternity of waiting, the bells rang to dismiss us from school. I dropped my things in my locker and went to the band room, planning to get some answers from someone.

The first person I caught was Jo. I moved to where she was standing, rummaging through some papers. "Hey, Jo? Have you heard from Dean? He wasn't at school today, and he hasn't answered any of my texts. I just want to make sure he's okay."

"God. He didn't tell you?"

" _Tell me?_ Tell me what?"

Jo looked around the band room before pulling me aside. "Today is the anniversary of Mary's death." I covered my mouth, cursing myself for not knowing. "Sam is usually just quiet all day, but Dean always takes the anniversary really hard. He always locks himself up in his room and doesn't talk to anyone for a few days. I thought he would've told you." She said the last part mostly to herself.

_I can't believe I didn't know. Dean even told me that this was coming up soon. Why didn't I put that together sooner? I have to make sure he's okay. Dean shouldn't be alone._ "Can I- Would it be a good idea to go see him?"

"I can't promise that he'll want to talk to you. Dean likes to be alone."

_That's what I was afraid of_. "Could you cover for me with Mr. Harrison?"

"Of course." I turned to go, ignoring the looks I got. "Oh, Cas?" Stopping, I looked back to Jo. "Thank you for taking care of my brother."

"Always."

°°°

When I got to Dean's room, I was struck by the fact that I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn't know how to help my boyfriend. Deciding not to knock, I rested my hand on the door. "Dean? Listen, I know you probably want to be alone right now, but I don't think you should. I can't imagine what you're going through, I'm not going to pretend that I do, but you shouldn't have to do this by yourself. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. If you don't want me to talk, I won't. But I can't let you do what I did for so long. I can't let you drown yourself in guilt and self-hatred when you deserve so much better than that. If I have to, I will pick this lock and come in there."

The lock clicked, and the door opened just enough to show the pitch black room and my boyfriend wearing only a pair of shorts. My hand fell to my side as I took in his appearance. His eyes were puffy and red from crying; his hair was stuck in every direction. He... didn't look so great. "I don't believe you can pick a lock."

"Gabe and Luce taught me before I hit middle school."

He cracked a small smile. "You'll have to show me sometime."

"Could I come in?" Dean nodded, going back to his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

I slipped off my shoes at the foot of his bed and sat beside him. "Dean, I know you. You're not just fine; you don't have to pretend to be."

"Then, no," he snapped, "I'm not fine. Are you happy now?"

"Of course not. I'm not happy that you're hurting. But I still don't want you to close yourself off and feel like you have to lie to me. Dean, I-" I shook my head, a gesture he couldn't see with the curtains drawn shut. "If you're afraid I'm going to feel differently about you after this, I won't. Nothing you could say or do could change how I feel about you." I stopped, knowing that I was starting to talk in circles. "Could I tell you a story?"

"Go ahead."

"Growing up, it was just my dad and his twin sister, Amara. They were practically inseparable; they did everything together. Then, my dad met my mom, and things started changing. They realized that they wanted a family, that they wanted to move to a different state, that they wanted to create entirely different lives. So, they did. They packed up their lives and just left without a second thought. My aunt Amara hated my dad after that, but hated my mom even more because she took her brother away. We pretty much grew up not knowing her. Then one day, she called and asked if she could visit for a while. She wanted to patch things up with my parents and spend time with all of us. It wasn't until a week into her stay that we learned she was given only three months to live. She was in the later stages of cancer, and the doctors found it too late. She stayed with us through those three months, right up until the end." Dean pulled his legs to his chest, looking smaller than I've ever seen him. "I was only nine. She never met Alfie, but she was healthy enough to be there when Anna was born. Whenever I look back, I realize that I didn't really know my aunt, but I miss her a lot. I hate that I didn't have more time with her."

"You just wish you would've cherished those moments you had with her more, that you would've taken note of everything about her."

"Exactly." I bit my lip, wondering how far I was allowed to push this topic. "Do you talk about your parents much?"

"No. I don't like bringing them up." I could feel how uncomfortable he was. "Could we talk about something else?"

"Of course. There was actually something that I wanted to talk to you about. Anna's birthday is this month, and uh, she wanted you to come to the party we're throwing her. Since it's the weekend before Thanksgiving break, I thought you could, um, stay over for a day or two. You know, if you wanted to."

"You want me to stay with you?"

"If you don't want to, that's fine. You don't even have to come over. I was just-"

"Cas, no. That's not what I meant. I only meant that I haven't really met your family. You seemed really nervous when I was just meeting your parents. Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"Yes, I am. I want them to know you. If you're as serious as I am about being together, I think my whole family should meet you. Even my older brothers." He was quiet; I didn't know what he was thinking. "But like I said, if you don't want to, it's fine. If you don't want to meet them yet, or later even, that's okay. Even though I'm ready, you might not be. Whatever you want to do."

"I want to meet them. In fact, I was thinking about seeing Gabe sometime soon."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Dean fell silent again. "Cas?"

I wanted to lean in, to make out his features in the darkness, but I stayed where I was. "Yes?"

"Could you just lay with me?" he asked quietly, seeming embarrassed.

Rather than answering, I did as he asked, though I waited for him to pull me closer before I touched him. Though, as soon as I felt his skin, I reflexively jerked my hand back and sat up. "Dean, you're burning up. Are you okay?"

"I probably just have a fever. It's fine."

"I don't think you should be this hot, though. Here," I reached out, letting a layer of frost grow over my hand. "This should help." I rested my hand on his forehead, earning a hiss from him. "I'm sorry."

After a moment, I moved so my hand was on his chest while we both laid down. "Does this usually happen? The fever, I mean."

"I don't know, probably."

I didn't know how to respond, so I just tried to cool the room down with my powers, hoping to break Dean's fever. There was nothing else to say or do; I just did as Dean wanted and laid with him.

●Dean●

"She used to sing me Hey Jude," I announced, breaking the long period of silence. I felt Cas shift next to me to show me he was listening, so I just continued, "and would cheat when we played hide and seek by using her invisibility. I used to watch old tapes of them in high school and at their wedding just so I could see them smile." I couldn't remember him smiling after. "They always danced to cheesy romance songs on the radio. She filled photo album after photo album with our lives, and he wrote about everything in his journal. I used to be able to quote that thing; I read it so much. He always talked about how beautiful she was, how lucky he was, how in love they were." I wrapped my arms around Cas's waist and rested my head on his shoulder. "They were happy. They were in love and happy and so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them." I stopped, frowning. "I don't even know if he's alive," I admitted. "I haven't heard from him in years. He could've died just like her, and I wouldn't know."

Cas's hand corded through my hair, his voice stuck in his throat while I spoke.

"I have this image of them from my childhood, where Azazel was out of the picture and we were a happy family, but I don't know if that was even them. Everyone thinks they were these terrible people, and I can't help but wonder if my memories have been twisted into something good from young innocence. I can't help but think I didn't know either of them at all."

I felt my eyes watering again. I didn't want to cry in front of Cas, so I tried to choke back the tears. The next thought I had nearly ruined that on its own.

But I'm done keeping secrets from him. "I've watched her die so many times in these horrible nightmares. I just keep reliving that night. I've watched you die too; that is one of the most painful things I've ever witnessed. But I had a dream last night that- She survived, Cas. He was fine and she was fine and you-" I broke off, letting my tears drip down my face. "They were meeting you for the first time, and, God, they loved you. He kept teasing you, and she kept trying to feed you, and they kept saying that they loved you. It just felt so, so real. And then I woke up, and it was all gone. That was the worst nightmare I've ever had because it showed me how much I've lost. They were alive and happy. I didn't want to wake up."

"You didn't lose everything, Dean." Cas was still playing with my hair. "You still have people who love and care about you: Bobby and Ellen, Sam and Jo, Benny and Adam. And me," he said softly. "You can't forget about all of the good or the bad will take over. Don't let the darkness snuff out the light."

"I don't know if that was deep or cheesy," I laughed, a genuine smile gracing my face for the first time that day.

"Both."

I bit my lip, hoping Cas couldn't see the hesitation in the gesture. "Uh, Cas?" He hummed in response. "Could you stay with me for a while and just talk? It's nice to have company."

I felt him kiss the top of my head, a gesture that was so personal and tender, it made me blush. "Of course. As long as you want."

•••

We talked for hours, hitting every topic we could think of. Cas happily spoke about the upcoming anatomy test, but also stayed silent when I brought up my parents. He let me get out my thoughts, only voicing his opinions after my own. That's why I found myself gazing up at him when he nodded off around eleven, wondering how I got so lucky. I didn't know what I did in a past life to deserve Castiel Novak, but I was definitely greatful. He was absolutely amazing: kind, smart, patient most of the time, beautiful. My God, Cas was gorgeous.

I took off his glasses and set them on my nightstand, all folded up. Without them, I could really see how peaceful he looked. He wasn't weighed down by his past, and he wasn't stressed out due to school. Sleeping, he looked younger, with no worries on his face.

It wasn't just Cas who had a weight lifted from his shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel uncomfortable opening up about my past. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything. I trusted Cas more than anyone else outside my family, and I'd never been happier. Finally, I realized why people said home was a person, not a place; in that moment, I'd never felt more at home than in Cas's arms.

 


	23. Better Days & Birthdays

○Cas○

I woke up only thinking that the sun wasn't as bright as it was most mornings. Taking this as a sign that I was awake way too early, I rolled onto my side. When I did, I almost jumped out of the bed I quickly realized wasn't mine.

 _Shit. I fell asleep at Dean's last night._ Dean was facing the wall, still sound asleep; he must have shifted from his place on my chest after I drifted off. I got up from where I was laying to find my keys and phone that must have fallen out of my pocket while I slept and my glasses that must have slipped off my face. After a few minutes, I found them: my keys stuck on the bed frame, my phone, somehow, by my shoes, and my glasses folded neatly on the nightstand. I didn't even question it. Grabbing everything, I slipped out of the room, keeping the door unlocked so I could come back once I changed my clothes. I, unfortunately, didn't change before I went to see Dean, so I slept in my uncomfortable school uniform. Luckily, taking off my tie is one of the first things I do when the bell rings; things could've been worse.

I still had about an hour and a half before school started, so I took a shower, put on a new uniform, and made my way to get coffee, all before Adam woke up too. I brought Dean back an Americano and set it on his nightstand where I knew he'd find it. I wasn't sure if he was going to go to class today, so I searched through his desk drawers where he kept his school supplies to find a sticky note. _Hope you're feeling better. I'll see you later. Cas,_ I scribbled with a heart next to my name. I stuck the note to his coffee lid and went back to my room, pulling the door shut behind me this time.

"Oh, look who made it home," Adam said when I opened the door to our room, his voice laced with sarcasm. "Where were you last night?"

"What are you?" I retaliated quite lamely. "My mom?" I picked up my bag from my desk and headed back out the door, drinking my coffee on my way.

"Just a concerned friend," he replied, catching up to me after shutting the door. "I was worried; for all I knew, you could've been kidnapped or lost or dead."

I rolled my eyes. "You were worried, huh? So much you didn't text me."

"Alright, I didn't even think about doing that, but I _was_ concerned. Where were you?"

"Dean's," I mumbled.

"What was that?" Adam had a smirk on his face, clearly enjoying himself now. "I didn't catch that."

"Yes, you did. And not like that, you perv. I just fell asleep there."

"Uh huh. I'm sure nothing happened."

"Oh my God," I muttered. "Just shut up." I could feel my face heating up to a bright pink. Adam laughed at me, but wasn't anywhere close to being finished.

●Dean●

The smell of coffee and a cold bed woke me, instantly confusing me along with clearing my foggy mind. Once my fever broke last night, I was enjoying sharing Cas's body heat. I was well aware of the fact that my boyfriend took that with him when he left. Whenever that was. I was a little disappointed that he didn't wake me before he went, but I was also greatful that he let me sleep in. When I was fully conscious, I sat up to find the source of the amazing scent of coffee.

It didn't take long, as a to-go cup from the coffee shop on campus was sitting on my nightstand. I pulled off the sticky note, smiling to myself at how sweet Cas was. Bringing warmth back to my hands, I heated up the coffee. After a moment, steam was coming from the lid. Determined to start letting the wounds from my past heal, I quickly dressed and finished my drink on the way to the gym. I was definitely going to be late, but Bobby wouldn't care. He understands.

Sure enough, the bells rang soon after I passed the main building of the high school. I somehow managed to get to the locker room, change, and fall into where the class was stretching without drawing too much attention. From the back of the room, I could see Cas, Adam, Benny, and Charlie all talking together near the front. It was like Cas could feel my eyes on him because he turned to face me. His face lit up with both happiness and confusion. He mouthed something to me that looked like _Are you okay?_ I nodded back; that seemed to appease him because he turned back around and didn't try to talk to me again until the short game of soccer was over.

Dad immediately started up the game after stretching and pulled me aside. "I didn't expect to see you in school today. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, Dad. Really, I am," I defended at the face he gave me. "Cas came over last night and talked to me for a while, you know, to take my mind off of everything."

"He's the reason you're doing so well?"

"I, uh... Yeah, I guess."

He smiled, looking out to find my boyfriend who was doing as little as he possibly could. "He's good for you, son. If anyone can do whatever he did to get through your thick skull, you need to keep them."

"Thanks. I plan on keeping him around too."

"Good. Now get out there and do something before I cut your grade."

I laughed at his empty threat but did as he said, joining Adam's team without a second glance from anyone except my friend.

•••

"Are you sure you're okay?" Cas asked me for the dozenth time, hovering at my side. "If you're not ready, it's fine to go back home until you are."

"I'm good, alright?" I kissed him, earning a little sigh instead of the protest I expected. "I've got to get to second block and so do you. I will see you at lunch. Please don't worry about me."

"It's my job to worry about you, but I'll try. If you say you're fine..." Cas closed his eyes and nodded to himself. When he looked back to me, he had a small smile on his lips. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "See you at lunch." He didn't look happy about it, but he turned to his medical assisting class while I went upstairs.

It was going to be a long day.

•••

I looked over to Cas, who was taking notes on what Mr. Potter was saying, before turning my head back to the front of the room and propping it on my hand with a little huff. I finally tuned back in to the lesson.

"-and that's going to lead into our next lesson about the connection and unification of the _paratas_ dimensions. Our ancestors shifted from hundreds of individual pocket dimensions that had nothing to do with each other to an expandable, unified world for all _paratas_ that was based on the layout of the _debilis_ world. And why was this world expandable?"

"They only mapped out and created parts of the _debilis_ world," someone said from behind me. "They built cities where lots of _paratas_ already lived in the old dimensions and just ignored the rest."

"Right. And what did these _paratas_ put in place of the parts of the world they didn't create?"

"Forests," Cas stated, not even looking up from what I could now see wasn't notes. He was doodling again. He had his notes out, but he'd pushed them aside and opened his sketchbook where it looked like he was drawing water. It took me a minute to realize he was drawing a lake. Our lake.

"Yes. And Dean, what industry was brought up to connect people in this new dimension?"

I turned away from Cas. "Portals." I made a face, which only Mr. Potter seemed to see. "You'd think we would just get some planes or something. But no. Apparently, _paratas_ only wanted cars."

"You'd probably get air sick too," Cas informed me, still just sketching.

Mr. Potter smiled. "I think that's a good place to stop for today. Tomorrow, we'll start into the next lesson."

"Are you bored?" I asked Cas.

"Extremely." He closed his sketchbook, turning to me. " _Yes?_ "

"What?"

"You want to ask me something; it's written all over your face. What is it?"

"Come over on Saturday. It's my mom's birthday, and I want you to spend the day with us."

He was hesitant to answer me. "Are you sure?"

"Of course." My head dipped a little to the side as I tried to figure out my mystery of a boyfriend. "You always act so surprised when I want you to come over. You always seem like you think my family doesn't like you. Everyone wants you to come too." Cas smiled. "What do you say?"

"Alright. As long as you go on the double date I've already promised Charlie and Dorothy we'd go on."

"Deal."

○Cas○

When I got to Dean's house, Jo was the one to answer the door. "Hey, Cas," she greeted, pulling me into a hug. "We're just about to go outside for a little while. You're just in time."

"Zayn and Dean are here already?"

She nodded and motioned for me to come in. "And Benny and Adam. Zayn went into the backyard already to set up a bonfire with Benny; Adam and Dean are upstairs."

"Wait," I frowned, "why isn't Dean doing the bonfire? He's the only one here who has the ability to manipulate fire."

"Because we're both dating idiots who don't listen. Zayn wanted to prove that he can do it on his own, but Dean is going to end up fixing everything when he comes outside." Jo winced. "Can you hear that too?"

"Uh... Hear what?"

"Damn it, Zayn," she muttered. "The stupid ringing. Audiokinesis is the worst power ever." When she saw the blank look that must have been decorating my face, she explained further. "Zayn learned that he could manipulate certain sound waves so only a specific person can hear it. He spent his whole resting period after getting his wisdom teeth removed learning that fantastic trick."

"And he's just making your ears ring?"

"Yep. He's the worst."

We went ahead outside, only to be confronted by Jo's boyfriend the moment we stepped out of the door. "You know I could hear you, right?"

"I know."

"And I'm the worst?"

"Oh, yeah."

Zayn bent down to kiss Jo, so I took that as my cue to talk to Bobby and Ellen. "Happy birthday, Ellen."

She immediately stood from her chair to give me a hug. "Cas, it's so nice to see you."

I laughed. "You just saw me in class yesterday."

"That doesn't count. I don't get to sit and talk to you in class."

"We don't get to hear all about how idiotic our son is," Bobby chimed in. "By the way, how has he been doing? He came back to school a lot sooner than we expected."

"Better. He's doing better. He talked a lot about John and Mary that night, mostly Mary."

Ellen smiled softly. "We're glad he's opening up to you. That's something he's never done before. He doesn't even talk to any of us about them. You've been good for him, Cas."

I couldn't help the blush that rose to my cheeks. "Oh, I got you this." I handed Ellen the little wrapped box I'd been holding.

"Cas, you didn't have to-"

"It's fine. I wanted to." I nodded for her to open it.

She unwrapped the gift and opened the box, her eyes lighting up when she did. "Oh, wow. Cas, thank you."

"Jo mentioned that you were looking for some new jewelry, so..." I drifted off, watching Ellen's reaction to the necklace I made. It was a small flower, a forget-me-not, inside a spherical glass pendant.

"Is this real?"

I nodded. "It's a special kind of flower that doesn't need really anything done to it. All of the flowers I make have extremely long lifespans too because they're connected to me in a way. As long as I'm alive and I want them alive, they will be."

"That's why Dean's boutonniere is still alive," Ellen murmured mostly to herself. "Well, I love this. Thank you." She pulled me in for another hug before asking Bobby to clip the necklace around her neck.

Right as she turned away, a pair of arms were thrown around my waist. "Castiel, you're going to make my parents like you more than me." I turned in Dean's arms to find him pouting. "It's not fair."

I pulled him down for a kiss, smiling into his lips. "That sucks, doesn't it?" I said when I broke the kiss.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go help Zayn before he manages to hurt himself." He extended his hand a little, wiggling his fingers until I held his hand. Once I did, we walked to where Zayn was trying to get a lighter to work. Dean told him to move before snapping his fingers. A few sparks jumped from the movement and into the pile of logs Zayn set up, letting a small fire grow until the whole pile was in flames. Dean winked at me, obviously proud of himself. "I hope you're in the mood for s'mores."

"Of course. Nothing says _happy birthday_ quite like s'mores."

"Shut up and help me."

"Right behind you."

 


	24. Movies & Matches

●Dean●

The next week went by without any memorable occurrences. We went to class, had practices, studied after school, ate, slept, repeat. It was... boring, to say the least. It was surprisingly uneventful for the week after the anniversary. People usually stayed away from me, always watching from a distance just in case this would be the year I snapped. For whatever reason, that just didn't happen. I felt like Cas had something to do with that; it was almost as if he was a buffer that kept all the unwanted attention out. I was perfectly fine with being left with uneventful and boring.

I looked up from the table, letting my mind focus back to the conversation being passed between Cas, Charlie, and Dorothy. They were talking about the double date I agreed to go on, but I zoned out a few minutes into their planning. In the end, I spent way too long entertaining myself by passing a ball of fire just bigger than a marble between my fingertips.

"Dean, you're going to burn a hole in the table."

I glanced at Cas, extinguishing the flame by pinching it between my fingers. "No, I'm not."

Dorothy rolled her eyes. I still wasn't quite sure what to make of her. For as long as we've both gone to Glen Rock Academy, Dorothy and I have only spoken a few times. Those brief conversations never told me anything about the girl. I couldn't tell if she hated me or if that was just how she was. "You're such a child. Were you even paying attention to what we were saying?"

"Um... No," I replied honestly. "What's going on Saturday?"

Charlie tossed me an apple, shrugging when I gave her a questioning look. "I didn't want it. We're going to go see Doctor Strange, grab something to eat, then go bowling. Does that sound good to you?"

I took a bite of my new food. "Perfect. When?"

Cas frowned at me, not liking how I was talking with my mouth full. "Around three or four, depending on whether you have practice."

"No, Dad's going easy on us since we only have tonight's game and next week's before break. We won't have any weekend practices until after break for playoffs. Of course, that means practice every day after school too. But this is good because I'm free this weekend and next weekend to go to Claydon." I saw the glances that were thrown Cas's way; he obviously didn't tell his friends about our trip to California.

"So, three?" Charlie asked, bringing us back to our topic. We all agreed, and conversation drifted to classes that I didn't have. I easily tuned out the noise until I found myself toying with another ball of fire. I almost missed the loving look on Cas's face as he watched me, the expression that left a smile on my own face.

○Cas○

"What did you think of the movie?" I asked Dean, lacing my fingers with his as we left the theater.

"It wasn't bad," he answered, throwing a glance at me, but ultimately breaking out into a smile. "Alright, it was probably the best Marvel movie I've ever seen. Actually, I think it was the best movie I've watched in a really long time."

Charlie bounced up to us, swinging her arm around my shoulders. "Hell yeah, it was. Cas, you picked a great one to watch. But I'm ready for food. Are you guys ready for food? I'm starving."

I just laughed at my friend. We let her eat a little too much sugar today. "Yeah, I'm hungry too. What do you say, Dorothy? Are you up to grab something to eat?"

"Of course. Let me tell you, I've been craving a burger all week."

"Food court?" Dean asked.

Everyone mumbled, "Food court," back in response.

°°°

"You know," Dean started, leaning across the table and taking my hand. We had a moment of silence for the first time as Charlie and Dorothy left to get milkshakes from across the mall food court. "I'm really excited to go to California. I've only been to Claydon a few times, and I've never really spent very long there. You'll have to show me around. Take me to the beach and all your favorite places. Of course, after Anna's party." His face lit up as his train of thought travelled somewhere else. "By the way, I don't really know what to get her for her birthday. I mean, what does she like? I've never had to buy presents for a little girl before. I mean, one of my mom's friends has a daughter who's younger than me, but Alex is still like twelve or thirteen."

I smiled, shaking my head at him. "You don't have to worry about it, Dean. I can always just say my present is from us both."

"No, no. I want to get her something; I just need a little help."

That was just really sweet. "Alright. Well, Anna has been getting into a lot of art things recently. She loves painting and sketching and all that kind of stuff. I bought her a bunch of new paint and paintbrushes."

"How about some of that nice paper and pens and pencils? Do you think that will be okay?"

"You know, I think she'll love that."

Dean beamed at me, and I couldn't help but grin back.

●Dean●

Finishing with putting our names in the game system on our lane, I turned back to Cas and Charlie who were still bickering.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, Cassie?" Charlie taunted. "I bet you twenty bucks that I'll beat you in this game. What do you say?"

"You're on, Charles. I can't wait to be twenty dollars richer." I raised an eyebrow at Cas's cockiness that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"I want in on this, babe," Dorothy interjected. She slapped a twenty on the table with our drinks.

Charlie grinned. "Thanks for backing me."

"Hell no. I'm betting on me."

"Oh, that's cold." Charlie shrugged it off, though. "What about you, Deano? You up for a challenge?"

I sighed and pulled out my wallet. "I suppose."

Charlie snatched the money from me and threw it with her twenty on the table. Cas's soon joined hers. "To the victor goes the spoils," Charlie announced dramatically.

Cas was up first, so he picked up the black bowling ball he got a few minutes prior. I nudged him on the shoulder. "You're going down."

He didn't respond, just continued to our lane before throwing a perfect strike. He turned back to me with a smirk. "You were saying?"

•••

"Damn," Charlie muttered under her breath, "I'm going to lose my twenty dollars."

"Yeah, me too." That pissed off response came from Dorothy, who had realized halfway through the game that there was no chance for her to win. Right now, with only one turn for each of us left, she was down almost sixty points. Charlie was only about twenty from first, but we all knew she really didn't have a chance. I was lagging behind Charlie by just three points: I was doomed as well.

"Why didn't you tell us Cas was crazy good at bowling?"

"I really didn't know." We all watched as Cas scored another strike, his fourth for the game. There was no way in hell anyone was going to beat him, but I could still try to beat Charlie.

After Cas finished his turn, I bombed my last shot by only knocking down four pins. Charlie didn't let me forget about her beating me by seven points. Cas was very generous with his prize and bought us some nachos.

I sat down with Cas back at our lane once I had my fill, giving him a kiss. "Thank you."

He laughed a little. "You kinda bought those, so you don't have to thank me."

"No, not about the nachos. For this," I explained by motioning to the bowling alley. "For tonight."

"I had a great time. Maybe we can do this again sometime."

"I'd love that." I ducked down to give him another kiss. When I sat back in my seat, I made eye contact with a kid who was squinting at us. He couldn't have been older than twelve.

A woman frowned, glanced at us, and said something to the boy. He shook his head at her and started walking towards where Cas and I were sitting. _Great. I'm sure this will be fun._

I put my arm around Cas in a protective way. It wasn't like this skinny kid was going to do anything, but I didn't know what he was going to say to us.

"Are you Dean Winchester?" was the first thing that came out of the kid's mouth.

"Yes."

"I, uh... My name is Garth, and I just wanted to say hi. I know your brother; we're in the same grade." This kid is fourteen? "I just wanted to say thanks."

"For what?"

"I saw you playing your flute a few years ago, and you showed me that it was okay, even though people think it's girly. Kids used to make fun of me, but they think you'll kick their asses if they say anything else about it."

"Why do they think that?" Cas asked, clearly amused.

"Sam told them that you would."

"I think you should tell Sam thanks, then. I really didn't do anything."

"Well, you're still kinda my, uh... my hero," Garth said quietly. "So, thank you. I hope you two have a nice date." With that, he ran back to his mom.

"That was awful nice of him."

A small smile stretched across my face. "Yeah. It was."

"You're someone's hero. Besides mine, that is." Cas smiled at me, before kissing me on the cheek and walking back to Charlie and Dorothy, who were still eating in the dining area.

_That wasn't what I expected at all. Hero. Huh._

 


	25. Siblings & Surprises

○Cas○

I was nervous to say the least. Not only were we down by one in the last few minutes of our last game before playoffs, but Dean was coming home with me tonight to meet my whole family and stay a few days. I didn't know which freaked me out more.

"Hey, what's wrong?" someone asked behind me, nudging me in the back with their knee. I turned to find my friend, and football decoder, Harrison. His freckled face was pressed into a small frown. Harrison's brown eyes were filled with worry. "You've been really quiet this whole time. Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah. It's just been a long day." And I wasn't lying. I'd had two tests today, one in AP and the other in MA, then I went to Dean's house to help him pack for this weekend.

"At least we have a week off of school after this."

"Yeah, that'll be nice."

Harrison slid down beside me, having already put aside his trombone. "Are you going home to see your family in California tonight, or are you staying up here for a few more days?"

"I'm going home tonight." Charlie heard that and shot me a look from the row beneath mine where she was sitting with Kevin. "My sister's birthday was a few days ago, so we're having a party for her tomorrow."

"How old is she?"

"Just turned nine."

Charlie decided that now would be a great time to butt in, adding, "You and Dean are leaving tonight, right?"

Harrison's eyes sparked with curiosity. "Dean's coming with you?"

"Yeah." I glared at Charlie, but she just looked proud of herself.

Our stands started cheering and clapping, which stopped Charlie from saying anything else. We'd just scored, which gave us a small lead for the remainder of the game.

After Mr. Harrison's announcements, I started back to the band room with Dean's uniform and piccolo joining my things. I was really glad seniors didn't have to wear our hats for senior night, even if it was a bit bittersweet. I just didn't want to carry anything I didn't have to.

"Here," Harrison said, taking Dean's uniform from me. "You look like you need a hand."

"Thanks. I just wanted to put our things away, so I could get home."

"You miss it?" But the way he said it didn't sound like a question.

"Yes, I do."

We spent the short walk in near silence, something that wasn't unwelcome after my long day. When we made it to the band room, Harrison hung up Dean's uniform with the other seniors' and touched my shoulder. "I'll see you next week, Cas. Have fun over break." Harrison started to walk into the band room, but he looked back to me, giving me a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes. "But not too much fun."

I just shook my head and finished putting my things away, sliding Dean's piccolo in my cage with my alto. I quickly changed out of my uniform and returned it to the rack where it belonged. All there was left to do was wait for Dean, so I headed back to the dorms where he was going to meet me.

°°°

"Sorry I took so long," Dean huffed, catching his breath as he shut his door. "Dad was talking about playoffs and was in no hurry to finish."

"It's fine. I took a shower already and just got over here a few minutes ago." After I got cleaned up, I went over to Dean's room with his spare key he let me use tonight. I'd packed the last minute things my boyfriend needed from his dorm and the things he forgot. "Go ahead and take a shower. We'll leave when you're ready."

Dean gave me a kiss, before grabbing a change of clothes and heading to the bathroom. He took barely ten minutes and was back to apologizing. "I'm taking forever, sorry. I just need to get a few more things." He started shuffling around his nightstand. "Have you seen my phone charger?"

"I already packed it for you." He let out a little sigh, moving to the bathroom again. "And your toothbrush. And the Converse you left in the band room. And your green hoodie."

"My Arrow one?"

"Yes."

Dean sat back on his bed, pulling me into a kiss. "Thank you."

I smiled, but gave him another kiss, letting that suffice as a _you're welcome_. "Are you ready?"

"I am now. Let's go."

●Dean●

"I'm nervous."

Cas glanced at me, surprised. We were almost to his house, and this was the first time either if us had spoken since we stepped through the portal to California.

"Me too," he admitted. "This is a little bit bigger than homecoming. Just... I'm sorry for whatever my brothers say. They're idiots." He squeezed my hand. "But this will be fun."

"Of course. Anything with you is fun."

Just a few minutes later, we were at Cas's front steps. His hand left mine as he unlocked the door. I held onto the straps of my bookbag that I threw my things in. Cas motioned for me to follow him inside.

"I think everyone is pretty much asleep. Dad actually got off work before midnight, so he's probably dead to the world. Anna and Alfie aren't allowed to be up past nine, so they're in bed. Mike, Luce, and Gabe aren't home yet." Cas found my hand in the dark hallway and pulled me along until we were in the kitchen, the only lit room on the first floor. A woman was standing at the sink, humming and washing dishes when we walked in. "Hey, Mom."

Naomi gasped and dropped whatever she had in her hand. It made a loud noise as metal clashed against metal. "My Lord, Cas. You're going to give me a heart attack. I didn't hear you come in."

"Obviously." He crossed the room to give his mother a hug. "I missed you."

"What happened to not being homesick?"

"I forgot how nice your hugs are."

Naomi laughed, smoothing down Cas's hair. She looked past her son to me. "Hi, Dean. How are you?"

"I'm good, Mrs. Novak. How have you been?"

She let go of Cas to talk to me on the other side of the room, though Cas followed right behind her. "I'd be a lot better if you stopped calling me _Mrs. Novak_. That makes me feel old."

"Sorry, Naomi."

"Better." She patted me on the cheek. "You're such a cute boy."

"Uh, thanks." My face was growing pink, but Cas's beat mine as a deep red.

" _Mom_."

"What?" Naomi asked, shrugging and turning back to the dishes. "You can't tell me he's not; I know you agree with me. If I'm remembering right, you said he was-"

" _Mom!_ "

Naomi chuckles to herself. "I tease because I care, Cas."

My boyfriend didn't answer, instead gave me an apologetic look. I stayed quiet through the whole affair, just not knowing what to say.

"If you boys are hungry, there are some leftovers in the fridge from dinner that you can heat up. I'm going to head to bed." She put the last few dishes away and dried off her hands. "I don't care how long you two stay up, but stay downstairs and don't be too loud, okay? Ezekiel and Gadreel have migraines, so I don't want you to bother them."

"Okay, Mom. We'll keep it down. Goodnight."

She kissed Cas on the forehead. "Goodnight. Goodnight, Dean." Naomi smiled and touched my shoulder before leaving the room.

"So, are you hungry?"

•••

Cas was cleaning up after we finished eating when two boys walked into the room who looked exactly the same. The only difference between them was the way they were dressed: one was wearing a striped tank top, and one had a bright blue shirt on. From the fact that they were identical and that they looked like they were in excruciating pain, I assumed these were Ezekiel and Gadreel.

Cas stopped talking to glance at his brothers. The boy in the tank top was getting bottles of water out of the refrigerator as the other handed him a few pills. "Are you guys okay? Is it your powers?"

"Yeah, but my headache isn't as bad as his," blue shirt said. "We're going to try to sleep it off, but we'll probably have to- Ah!" He grabbed his head, digging his fingers into his temple. Cas immediately ran to his side, but the boy pushed him away. "No, I'm fine," he gasped out.

"That seemed worse than usual. What did you see?"

"A fire. It sounded like someone was laughing." I felt the blood drain from my face. _Did he just see the night my mother was murdered? Is this Cas's brother who can see into the past?_ "I don't know, Cas. It was weird." He turned to his twin, who looked like he saw something horrific too. "Did you see something else?"

He just nodded. At first, I didn't think he was going to say anything; when he did, I wished he would have stayed silent. "It was a storm earlier, but now..." The boy turned to me and watched me unblinking for a moment. "Who's Azazel?" he asked, sending sickening chills down my whole body. " _What did he do?_ "

Cas shot me a panicked look before walking his brothers upstairs, mumbling something to them that I couldn't hear. When he came back, he didn't seem any less worried. I had a pretty good guess that I looked much worse.

"What was that?"

"I-" Cas ran his hands through his hair. "I don't know. They must have seen part of your past."

"But how? I thought only one could do that."

Cas nodded, but pursed his lips. "Yeah, only Gadreel can see the past. It's... complicated, though. Sometimes, the boys can," he paused, trying to piece his thoughts together, "tap into each other's powers in a way. Ezekiel can see into the future as to what things Gadreel will see of the past; Gadreel can see into Ezekiel's past to find out what parts of the future he's seen." Cas leaned in to caress my face. "That's all that was. They're really sorry that they saw anything."

"They can't help it. They're still trying to figure out their powers completely, right?" Cas nodded. "Then, that's fine; I don't blame them. They just freaked me out for a second." I stood from my chair. "I, uh... I'm ready to go to bed. It's been a strange day."

"Yeah, of course. Just grab your things and come on." Cas led me upstairs to his room; I recognized it from the day Anna video called me. "I hope you don't mind sharing a room with me. In case you haven't noticed, this house is pretty much full capacity. Unless, of course, you want to take over one of my brothers' rooms."

"You know, I think I'll make do with this arrangement. I'm not really in the mood to be murdered by your brothers."

Cas rolled his eyes, calling me an idiot, but when we both laid down later, he wrapped one arm around my waist with the other tucked under his pillow. He snuggled his face into my chest, mumbling a, "Goodnight, Dean," before he drifted off.

Not long after, I responded with my own, "Goodnight," that was punctuated by a blissful sleep that let me forget about everything, if only for a few hours.

○Cas○

I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, still in Dean's embrace. He was snoring softly, his chest rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. The moment was interrupted by a knock on my bedroom door.

Before I had a chance to speak, Gabe was helping himself in my room. "Cassie, breakfast is ready downstairs when- Oh. Dean's here. In your bed. How nice." He sounded more confused than concerned.

I slid out of Dean's arms and went to face my older brother. "Shut up, Gabe. It's not like anything happened."

"I didn't think he was coming until later."

"I didn't think _you_ were coming until later," I countered.

Gabe leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed. "When were you going to tell me that you two were so," he looked over to where Dean was still sleeping, " _close_?" He still didn't seem angry, just a little betrayed if anything.

"You knew we're together. What's your problem?"

My brother put his hand on my shoulder. "I don't have a problem; I just want you to be careful. I don't want you getting hurt again."

"I can take care of myself, Gabe."

"I know, I know." Gabe touched my cheek. "You can't blame me for being concerned." He smacked me on the same cheek. "If you want to eat, you better get your ass downstairs. In case you've forgotten, food doesn't last long in this house." Just like that, Gabe was back to himself, the moment between us dissipating. He closed the door behind him.

"What was that?" I jumped and faced Dean. "Sorry," he said, a sleepy smile on his face. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I didn't know you were awake." I sat down on my bed beside Dean's legs. "How much of that did you hear?"

"Not much. But I did hear that breakfast was ready. I'm-"

"Starving?" Dean grinned. "Okay, let's go." I gave him a kiss, followed by a grimace. "But brush your teeth first."

My boyfriend laughed at me, but followed me to the bathroom at the end of the hall where I was going to follow my own advice.

°°°

Dean was close behind me when we got to the kitchen. I breathed in the amazing aroma of pancakes, the kind that my mom and I would make together for all ten of the Novaks on each of our birthdays. Everyone had our own type of pancake that we celebrated our special days with: regular pancakes with different flavored syrups for Mom and Dad, crepes for Michael, apple for Luce, chocolate chip for Gabe, blueberry for me, cocoa-banana and strawberry for the twins, red velvet for Anna, and fruit-topped for Alfie with enough syrup to make it unhealthy. This morning, we were having red velvet pancakes.

"Good morning, boys," Mom said as she handed Anna a plate full of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. "Cas, your food is on the table. Dean, I didn't know what you liked, so I didn't make you a plate yet."

"I'll take whatever everyone else is having. It smells delicious, Mrs... Naomi."

I took my seat next to Anna while Dean got his food. It took me a minute to figure out why the table was so empty, and quiet, when I realized Mike and Luce weren't there. I started to ask why, but Gabe answered before I had a chance.

"The two golden boys felt they could skip breakfast with the family. Really, they just couldn't drag their lazy asses through a portal this early." He rolled his eyes from across the table. Gabe usually sat beside me, but he gave up his seat for Dean this morning.

"Gabriel," Dad warned. "Language."

"Sorry, Pops." He gave me a look that said he wasn't at all apologetic. Anna saw and started giggling beside me.

"And how are you, Bee?" I asked, nudging her in the side. "How does it feel to be nine?"

"Exactly like eight, but better." She looked past me, beaming. "Hi, Dean."

"Hi there. Happy birthday."

"Dean," she laughed, "it's not my birthday."

He waved her away. "Nonsense. It doesn't stop being your birthday until after your party. You can't possibly get older without blowing out your candles and eating cake."

Mom and Dad both smiled at him, then at each other. They shared a brief, silent conversation between the two of them before Mom sat down. She nodded to Dad, who asked us to join hands and bow our heads for grace. I glanced at Dean, wanting to tell him that he didn't have to pray with us if he didn't want to, but he was already doing as the rest of my family was. He even said, "Amen," with everyone after Dad finished.

"I didn't know you were religious," I whispered to Dean.

"I believe in all sorts of things. If I can do _this_ ," he lit his left hand on fire under the table, "or _this_ ," he held my hand with his right, "then, why should I doubt in a God? There are much more outrageous things that I could believe in."

"Well said, Dean," Dad interrupted. I hadn't realized the whole table, save Alfie who was eating, was listening to us. "It never hurts to have a little faith."

"You have to believe in something," Dean agreed. I saw his eyes dart to me, and he squeezed my hand under the table. It was almost like he was saying _You're what I believe in._

"So, I feel like there should be proper introductions," I announced, changing the topic, "even though I'm pretty sure everyone has a good idea who everyone is." I rolled my eyes. "Everyone, you know who Dean is." I started pointing around the table to each of my family members. "This is Anna, then my mom and dad, Alfie, Gabe who is sitting where Luce usually sits, Ezekiel, that empty chair is where Michael sits-"

"Yeah, head of the table," Gabe mumbled.

"And Gadreel," I finished.

Dean frowned at the twins, shifting his eyes between their identical faces. "I'm sorry, guys. I'm probably going to mix you two up a lot."

"Don't worry," Gadreel responded, "you'll be able to tell the difference between us by the end of the day. We're pretty different, aren't we Zeke?"

"Oh, yeah. Gad is the worst; I'm the best."

Gadreel snorted. "You wish."

"Ignore them," Gabe told Dean. "They're idiots. Why don't you tell us about yourself? I'm sure a lot has changed since we last talked." He said that last part with sarcasm dripping from his words, almost like an inside joke only he and Dean shared. "I'm dying to figure out why you've lowered your standards and went after my brother." I glared at him, to which he only laughed. "Joking, Cas. It's kinda what I do."

"But really, Dean," Anna pleaded, "we want to know more about you."

Dean caved. "Alright, then, for the birthday girl. What do you want to know?"

●Dean●

Cas came up to me after breakfast, touching my arm to lead me away from the rest of his family. "So, we've been asked to distract Anna for a few hours while everyone sets up for the party. Now is the perfect time for me to show you around Claydon. That is, if you don't mind my sister tagging along."

"Yeah, that sounds great.... But doesn't Anna know about the party? Why can't she be at the house?"

Cas shrugged. "Principle?" He eyed his family through the doorway. "We have to make everything more complicated than it has to be. Plus, we need to pick up the cupcakes Anna loves. So, what do you say?"

"Let me change first. I can't be seen dressed like this in public," I feigned interest in my appearance. "Not in Claydon of all places."

"Take your time: Anna has no sense of urgency."

I ran upstairs to Cas's bedroom, changing into a plain red shirt and shorts. I was absolutely loving the warmth in California; it was close to snowing back in South Dakota the days before break. Soon after I pulled on my shoes, Cas came in and shifted through his closet. I guess he gave up trying to find whatever he was looking for because he swore under his breath before grabbing a grey shirt at random.

"Everything okay?"

He looked up from the drawer he started going through. "Yeah, I just forgot that I left a ton of things in my dorm, including my black and white shirt that looks like the optical illusion." Surprisingly, I knew what he was talking about. Cas had a shirt that had some strange 3-D shapes that shifted into other shaped that shifted into 2-D. The only time I saw him wear it was at band practice where I stared at him for about twenty minutes. That was when he hated me, so that didn't bode well.

"Too bad, I like that shirt. It's confusing, but I like it. Kinda like you."

"I'm confusing?" he asked, amused.

I nodded sternly. "Definitely. But I like you."

"How sweet."

•••

I watched as Cas pulled his sister into his side, a goofy grin on his face. "Where should we show Dean first?"

"Ice cream."

"No," Naomi's voice called from the living room.

"We'll get it later," Cas whispered. "Just don't tell Mom."

Anna gave him a solemn nod. "Then, we should go to the beach. It's still pretty nice, even if it's a little cold."

"Anna, I live in South Dakota; this is warm right now."

"Okay. Can we go to the beach, Cas?" She gave him puppy dog eyes, the same trick Sam uses to get his way.

"Yeah, Cas. Can we?"

He laughed and shook his head but motioned for us to follow him outside.

•••

"I didn't know you could drive." Cas raised his eyebrows, glancing away from the road to look at me. My heart skipped a beat; I finally understood why Cas always made a big deal about me taking my eyes off the road.

"To be fair, you've never really asked. But, yeah, I can drive. I don't very often, but I can."

Anna piped up from the back seat. "Cas failed his driving test three times."

I laughed a little. "Did you really?"

"No," he scoffed. Then, he tipped his head, saying, "Just twice." Cas turned on his blinker and pulled into a parking lot. "My favorite part of the beach is just across the road here. There's usually not many people here at this time of the year."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure." Cas turned off the engine. "It's not a very popular spot, so a lot of people don't think of coming here. Besides, Thanksgiving is coming up soon; most families are busy with other things." He glanced between me and his sister. "Ready?"

Anna squealed and hopped out of the car, grabbing the blankets we found in the trunk. Cas and I soon joined her at the edge of the road, then to a sunny area of the sand just far enough from the waves. Anna went off to the water's end to build a sandcastle while Cas and I talked.

"So," I started, sitting on a blanket with Cas, "what makes this place so special?"

He smiled, leaning back. "Nothing, really. The waves never get too big over here. It's not really shaded. There's not anything to do after school starts. The area is actually pretty small where the sand ends at the cliff over there. There's nothing special about this, but I guess that's the reason it is." I laid with him and took his hand. He shook his head. "That probably sounds so dumb."

"No, I get it."

Cas nodded, and our conversation drifted into a mutual silence that made the beach feel a little more peaceful.

○Cas○

We stayed at the beach for a while before we got some ice cream, picked up Anna's cupcakes, and went home. The whole backyard was decorated with balloons and streamers, all in pastel colors. I pushed Anna in front of us, and our family started clapping and yelling. They knew it would embarrass her; sure enough, Anna's face turned as red as her hair. Despite this, she gave everyone a little curtsy. Anna gravitated toward her friends that were snacking at one of the tables. Dean and I didn't have a chance to do anything before Michael came up to us. _This is going to be fun._

"Castiel." That was all the greeting I received.

"Hello, Michael. How's it going in Finston?"

He sighed, already done with this conversation. "It's law school, Castiel. Same as ever." He turned to Dean, who was hovering at my side with his hand on my lower back in a protective gesture. "And I'm assuming you're Dean. You're all this family seems to be talking about lately."

"Yeah, that's me. You must be Michael." Dean extended his hand, which Michael shook after a moment. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"You as well." My eldest brother finally went back to me. "Do you mind if I steal Dean for a minute or two?"

"You and I both know it'll be longer than that. But you should be asking Dean that; if he's okay with it, you can."

"It's alright, Michael. I'm right behind you." Michael nodded once and started to walk back inside, obviously assuming Dean was following. Instead, he was still with me. "Don't worry too much, Cas. I think I can handle Michael."

"Okay, but if you start feeling lightheaded, come back out here."

"Why would I feel lightheaded?"

I bit my lip. "It's a side effect of his powers. He can control people, remember? He knows better than to use them when he doesn't have to, but I wouldn't put it past him."

" _I will be fine,_ " he assured me, putting emphasis on each word. He kissed me on the cheek and followed my brother into the house.

After a moment, I closed my eyes to collect myself. Dean's hand on my back was replaced by one on my shoulder, snapping me out of my trance. Bolts of lightning jumped from my fingers against my will. "You still haven't gotten a handle on that one, have you little bro?"

"Obviously not, Luce." He was smirking at me, but I tried to shrug him off. Both figuratively and literally.

"Oh, come on. Didn't you miss me?" Despite his protest, he let go of me.

"Yes, but not that much. Why are you even over here? You hate me."

Luce rolled his eyes. "I don't hate you; I just really dislike being around you."

"Then, why-"

"Because," he interrupted, "I heard you brought home some fresh meat. I came to see what all the fuss was about."

I grimaced. "Don't talk about Dean like that. But you're too late: Michael already took him to lecture or interrogate or whatever. You'll have to wait to harass my boyfriend."

He gasped slightly in a way that wasn't genuine in the least. "Boyfriend? Titles all so soon. I didn't think you'd ever move on from that scum Levi."

"None of us did, Lucius," Gabe said as he approached us. "We should all be glad that he did, though: Dean is a good man." He ignored our older brother, choosing to talk only to me. "He came to see me over the weekend. Did he tell you that?" I shook my head. "He came to talk about you. He thought it would be important for us to be in the same page about you two." Gabe smiled softly. "He really cares about you."

"Then, what was all of that about this morning?"

"I wanted to know where you stood with him. I want to make sure you don't get hurt, but I don't want him to either. Also at breakfast, I just wanted to make fun of you both. I know why he started dating you. Maybe more than you do."

"This is great and sappy and all, but it looks like Mikey is finished, so it my turn with Dean. Catch you two losers later."

"Lord help him," Gabe mumbled.

°°°

Dean returned after what seemed like an eternity. "What happened with them?" I asked.

"Later. Right now, let's focus on Anna. It looks like they're getting out the cupcakes and candles." Dean was right: Anna came first right now. There was always time to talk about this later. We had a whole week off, after all.

 


	26. Giving Thanks & Getting Through

●Dean●

"So, what did my brothers say to you?"

"Cas," I laughed, touching his shoulders, "please just give me five minutes, then I will tell you everything." He nodded as he sat on his bed. I kissed him on the forehead, which seemed to calm him down until I changed into a pair of pajama pants and T-shirt and brushed my teeth. When I came back into Cas's room, he was propped against his headboard, flicking through his phone.

"Hey," I said quietly. Cas met my eyes, making my heart leap. "I owe you an explanation, don't I?"

"I just want to make sure they didn't scare you off." He actually was afraid his brothers would change how I felt about him. He was afraid he was going to lose me.

"Of course not," I told him, holding his face in my hands. "They would have to do a lot more to keep me from you." That soothed him more than I thought it would. I took that as a sign to continue. "Michael mostly repeated the same things your dad did: he wanted to know about my grades and after-school activities and my intentions with you. I kid you not, he asked what my intentions were with our relationship."

"And? What did you say?"

I smiled. "I told him that I value you and what I have with you over pretty much everything else. You're right up there with my family. And I assured him that my intentions with you were that of a gentleman."

Cas blushed a dark red, biting his lower lip. "You did _not_ say that."

"I did." I shrugged. "Your brother seemed okay with that answer. After that, he was pretty much finished."

"And Luce?"

"I don't think he had a goal other than to torture me. Lucky for us both, it didn't work. He got bored after a while and left. Really, nothing else happened."

"That's surprising." Cas closed his eyes as he let out a puff of air. "I guess they plan on making you miserable over a long period of time."

"I'm sure they do it out of love."

" _Pfft_. Sure." Cas stood from his bed and started taking off the hoodie he'd been wearing since dinner. "I hope you don't mind me sleeping without a shirt on tonight; you're like a space heater."

I shot him a smirk, even though he wasn't looking at me. "No complaints here."

"Gentleman intentions, my ass."

I laughed but didn't move my eyes from Cas while he took his shirt off too. I had to admit, he had a nice body.

He threw his shirt at me. "Stop staring at me!"

"You're gorgeous," I blurted out.

"Shut up."

"No, really. I don't know how I got so lucky." Cas sat back down beside me, but I frowned when I noticed something. "I almost forgot about this." I ghosted my fingers over the scar on his shoulder, making him shiver.

"I wish you would."

A thought came to my mind suddenly, and I snapped my head up to meet his eyes. "Why don't you have my mom try to heal it? She does it all the time for me." Cas's eyes went wide, so I backtracked. "Sometimes when I'm sick, my fireproofing will short circuit along with my fire control. I've burnt myself a lot."

"Dean, I'm fine. I told you that I've come to terms with my past, so it doesn't bother me anymore."

"But-"

"Please, Dean," he pleaded. "Just let it go."

"If that's what you want."

Cas smiled, thanking me by drawing me into a long kiss. I didn't like the fact that some kid scarred the person I loved, but I'd let it go. If it would make him happy, I'd do anything for Cas.

•••

It seemed like Cas and I laid in bed forever, just his body half curled into mine with his head on my chest and palm over my heart. We were both reluctant to get up because getting up meant me leaving Claydon, and that meant leaving Cas.

"I wish you could stay," he whispered. He said it like it was a secret that couldn't be shared with prying ears, despite every listener being nowhere near us. Every Novak save Cas, Luce, and Gabe had gone to church sometime while we were sleeping. Chuck and Naomi seemed fine with letting us stay home and catch up on our sleep: they said as much in a text some time after they left.

"Maybe I could. Just a day or two more." Truth be told, I wanted to spend every moment I could with Cas. I was more than willing to give him a couple more days.

He traced imaginary shapes on my chest. "We both know that you can't. Your parents want you home tonight, and mine have to work tomorrow. You wouldn't want to be here with nothing to keep this house busy."

"I'm only agreeing with the first part of that. You know I love your family. I wish I could spend more time getting to know them." I drew in a shallow breath. "I wish I could just spend more time like this."

"I don't have any plans on moving. I'm perfect right here." He looked up at me, a playful grin stitched on his tired face. I had to agree with him there: he was perfect.

•••

Cas and I eventually got up, knowing that we couldn't delay the inevitable anymore. My parents wanted me home before evening, and it was already closing in on noon. We only had a few hours left together in California, hours we weren't going to waste doing nothing.

"Before you leave, I want to show you one last place," Cas told me over our late breakfast. "If you want to spend a couple more hours with me, that is."

"Absolutely." He got off his chair to take my empty plate, giving me a chaste kiss.

"Ugh. I've seen more PDA from you two this weekend than in all four years of high school." Lucius walked into the kitchen to get something to drink from the refrigerator. "And that's saying something because there were some horny bitches in Glen Rock when I was there."

Cas rolled his eyes, completely ignoring his brother and pulling me upstairs to his room. "Sorry about him; he's an asshole and doesn't think.... ever." He pulled an outfit from his closet and changed, urging me to do the same so we could leave without dealing with Lucius again.

I smiled to myself once I was finished, which Cas caught. "What are you grinning about?"

"You've just changed a lot since we first met; I think it's great. I was just thinking about when you yelled at me in the locker room. Everything is so different now. Who would've guessed?"

"Surprisingly, a lot of people. Now, are you ready to go? We can always reminisce on our weird past where we're going."

"Let's go."

•••

Cas's surprise for me was the botanical gardens he worked at before he moved to Glen Rock. Despite the gardens being closed on Sundays, we spent hours there. Apparently, the owners loved Cas so much, they let us in for free to have the whole place practically to ourselves. Cas told me all about his favorite plants and what they did and how to take care of them. He would walk near the flowers with his hand stretched out, causing them to bloom to their fullest and gain more life. I think each time it happened, Cas brightened up as well. I could've spent eternity watching Cas in his element, talking about why he loved the gardens so much and why they were a comfort through his difficult life, ranting about the importance of bees. It was a shame that I had to leave so soon, that I had to leave at all. But we both went to the portal office and said our goodbyes. Maybe it was just for a few days, but leaving Cas on the other side of the purple portal felt wrong.

○Cas○

"What's the matter, Cassie?" Gabe asked, an equal measure of teasing and sincerity colored his voice. "Do you miss your boyfriend?"

"Yes."

°°°

"Hey, Cas," Mom said softly as she knocked on the door. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah." I laid down my pencil on my notebook, knowing what was coming next.

"Can I come in?" When I answered with the same response, she slowly opened the door and came to sit on my bed. "I haven't seen much of you all week, so I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you're home today. You miss Dean, I know; I'm just really glad that you chose to stay here during the holiday."

"I wouldn't think of not being with you guys for Thanksgiving. Yes, I miss Dean, but I get to see him in a few days. Then, I'll spend the next month with him leading up to Christmas." I gave my mom a warm smile. "Just because I miss Dean now doesn't mean I didn't miss you before."

"Well, I don't know about you, but I missed cooking together. What do you say? Do you want to help me with Thanksgiving dinner in a couple hours?"

"Definitely." I sighed, tapping on the page I was writing. "Until then, I've got a report to do for _Paratas_ that's due on Monday. I'll be down as soon as I'm finished."

Mom touched my nose before standing, an old gesture that survived from my childhood. She always told me and my siblings that she loved us from the tips of our noses to the bottom of our toes. Every time, she would touch our noses, then our toes; the sentiment stayed when she shortened it as we grew older to just a tap on the nose with no words needed.

Settling back into my blankets with a content smile, I started writing again.

°°°

"Are we forgetting anything?" Mom asked. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun and she was dashing around the kitchen in her sweatpants, a stark contrast to the image of how most see her. She was usually neat, put together, serious; it was nice to see her as _Mom_ and not _Mrs. Novak_. Everyone always thought of my mom only as one of the best lawyers on the west coast, which was true, she was fantastic at what she did. After my dad moved up the ranks of the company he worked for and moved us across the country, my mom decided to work on starting up her own law firm. It took a few years, but she's gotten so much acclaim in that short amount of time because of her hard work. Unfortunately, that work seemed to take over; even when she was home, we didn't see much of _Mom_ , only her professional persona. It was nice to see her as happy and carefree as she used to be. "I'm pretty sure we're missing something," she said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"No, Mom. We've got everything we need for dinner. There's pie in the fridge for after, too." I smiled to myself, promising to bring a slice back to Glen Rock for Dean. "Pumpkin, Oreo, and blueberry."

"Drinks?"

"Apple juice, sweet tea, water, all kinds of soda. Mom, everything is ready to go. In fact, while you were finishing up, we've already set the table."

She finally relaxed, kissing me on the forehead then going into the dining room. "You kids are the best," she told us. "You too," she told Dad, giving him a kiss.

Our whole family had helped in some way, even Alfie who set out the silverware and napkins. It only took us a moment to settle into our seats and say grace, each of us ready to begin dinner. After everyone had a full plate, Dad cleared his throat to get our attention.

"I think now is as good of a time as ever to start around the table." He was referring to one of our family traditions where we would quite literally go around the table and tell about the things we were thankful for this year. "I'll start." He smiled at all of us, getting a little teary before he even spoke. "It's so nice to see the whole family back together again. None of you are parents just yet, so you don't know what it's like to see your kids grow into the strong, amazing adults you knew they would be. I'm so thankful that I get to watch you all grow into the people you're becoming. I'm so thankful that you all are happy and healthy and going down great paths: whether that path is law like your mother," he looked at Michael, then Lucius, "or engineering or medical school," he looked to me, "or whatever Gabe is going to do with his life." We all laughed at that.

"Working on it, Pops."

"I'm just proud of each and every one of you. I couldn't be any more thankful."

"I guess that's my cue," Mom said from his right. "I'm thankful that both your father and I are doing well at work and that all of you are doing the same in school. I'm thankful that you each are making this world your own: learning how to drive, moving to different states, learning about your powers. I'm so proud, just like your father said. And I'm not only thankful, but I'm blessed that all of you were born into this family." She looked to Alfie, who wasn't paying much attention. Bless his heart, he was trying, but he kept going back to his food. "What are you thankful for, sweetie?"

"Um... For you guys. I'm happy that Cas and Luce and Gabe and Mike are back home cause I missed them. For school not being really bad this year and for Ellie not being in my class cause she doesn't leave me alone. And for this food cause it's really, really good." He took a big bite of turkey, as if he was emphasising how good it was. "Your turn, Luce."

"I'm thankful that I get to be here with you guys, eating all this food, instead of being in my dorm with my annoying roommate, eating cafeteria food and listening to him whine about his boyfriend." We waited for him to finish, since he reached for his drink, but he just glanced at Zeke and said, "I'm done."

"I'm super thankful that I passed my permit test, and Gad didn't. It made up for the history test that he aced without studying." He stopped to look at his twin, but Gadreel wouldn't meet his eye. "I'm thankful that Cas is home because he makes the best omelets, and this is my not-so-subtle way of saying I want omelets tomorrow for breakfast."

I laughed, though I nodded. "I'll make them."

Ezekiel did a little fist pump. "Then, I'm thankful for that. Michael?"

"Well, I'm very thankful for all of you, you know that. But this year, I'd also like to add something else." He took a deep breath and set down his fork. "You all know my girlfriend, Elizabeth. I'm going to propose to her this Christmas."

Dad beamed at him; Mom gasped and covered her mouth. "Really? Oh, I love Liz. I can't wait for her to join the family."

"You're a few steps ahead of him, don't you think, Naomi? But good luck, son. You both will be very lucky to have each other."

"Yeah," I agreed. "I really hope she says yes."

"Thank you, Castiel. Gadreel?" Just like that, Michael was back to his professional self.

"I'm thankful that Zeke got his permit, even though I didn't. You know, because I'm not a terrible brother. I'm thankful that Michael is happy with Liz and that Cas is finally moving on. Everything is just going good this year, which is great."

Gabe nodded. "I agree with Gad. I'm thankful for everything that's happened this year because it's been really great for everyone: Dean, Liz, Mom and Dad's success at work, the twins driving. I can't wait to see what next year will be like."

My brother nudged me, wanting me to take over. "Glen Rock has really been good for me this year. I've met some amazing people, great friends, and well... Dean. I have moved on, which I'm extremely thankful for. But I'm glad to be back home because I missed this. No matter what, you guys will always be my home. For that, I'm thankful."

"Well, shoot," Anna said. "You guys took mine."

●Dean●

Thanksgiving went by quicker than it usually did, probably because Cas was coming home on Saturday. Well, he was coming back to South Dakota; it was debatable on whether he considered Glen Rock his home. All I knew is that I had ten minutes to help clean up from dinner until Cas was video calling me.

We were finished when those ten minutes expired. Unfortunately, my parents felt the need to hold me back from leaving just so soon.

"Dean, we really need to talk to you."

"Uh, okay. What is it, Dad?" I was starting to get anxious. I didn't like what he said, the way he said it, or the fact that Cas could be calling any minute.

"Actually, that's exactly what it is," Mom responded for him. "It's John."

"Is he dead?" I couldn't help the question from coming out of my mouth. It was something I'd wondered about since he left us with Bobby and Ellen.

"No, but-"

"Then, I don't care, Mom." She pursed her lips, not happy that I interrupted her. "He hasn't felt the need to check up on me or Sam in the ten years since he left. I don't care what's going on with him now."

"Dean," Dad said, trying to soothe me. "He just wants to see you boys. He's a lot better now."

" _Better?_ " I hissed. "Mom, Dad. You can't be considering this. Not only is he unstable, but he's a wanted criminal. I don't care how much _better_ he is; I want nothing to do with him. That's all I want to hear about him."

"He wants to explain."

"He should've done that ten years ago." I turned away from them, storming up to my room. I cooled off a little before my phone lit up with Cas's picture.

" _Hey,_ " he greeted once I answered. " _What's going on?_ "

"Oh, nothing. I'll tell you about it later."

•••

"Are you going to see him?" Cas and I were sitting in my backyard, snacking on junk food while we were catching up.

"No, absolutely not."

"Why not? It sounds like he means no harm. Don't you want to, at least, hear from your dad and know what happened when he left?"

"You don't get it." I laid down on the deck, so Cas moved to hover over me. "I have a dad; he's inside helping my brother, his son, with a book report. John has never been here for me or Sam, so I really don't want his excuses." I met his eyes, the ones lined with worry and looked like they haven't stayed closed for longer than a few seconds all week. "Please accept that."

"Of course, Dean. I trust your judgment."

"You know, I think that's enough of that conversation. How was your break?"

"Much more dull with you gone." Cas ran his fingers up and down the inside of my wrist, sending chills all over my body. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

 


	27. Returns & Reunions

 

○Cas○

  
As Dean and I walked back to the dorms after having dinner together at Kate's diner, small flakes of snow started drifting to the sidewalk. I reached out my hand, smiling when I caught a few on my palm.

"You act like you've never seen snow before."

I rolled my eyes at him. "I _have_ seen snow. It does happen in Claydon; not often, but it does happen. I just... really love it." Dean got this faraway look, like his mind was a million miles away from our conversation. "Do you think it'll stick? I could really use a snow day."

He chuckled, partially to himself. "Thanksgiving break wasn't enough for you? No, it probably won't be around by morning," he sighed.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just- Have you heard about playoffs this week?" I shook my head; I'd gotten so out of the loop while I was home. "We're playing against the Claydon Knights."

"Are you serious?" Dean nodded. Yes, he was serious. "Here?"

"No." He watched me for a minute before asking, "Are you going to be okay going back? I know you spent a week in Claydon, but you didn't have to deal with anyone from your school, did you?"

"No, I stayed home for most of the week." Was I going to be fine? A few months ago, I wouldn't have dreamed about going back, but now... Things had changed. "You know, I think I'll be alright."

°°°

I was wrong.

The second I stepped foot on Claydon High campus, I almost had an anxiety attack. It felt _wrong_ being here. Every bad memory came flooding back; things I completely forgot about rushed back to mind. And for whatever reason, I _knew_ something bad was going to happen. My stomach dropped and my head was left in a fog. It didn't take long to find out why.

°°°

"I'm going to head to the concession stand," I told Charlie, Kevin, and Harrison. "Do you guys want anything?"

Kevin and Harrison said no, but Charlie pulled a few dollars from her uniform pocket. "Get me some chocolate: I don't care what kind. I have a massive headache."

"And chocolate is going to help?" Kevin asked skeptically.

"No, but if I'm going to have a headache, I might as well have some chocolate too."

"Fair enough."

I left them bickering about something I didn't catch before I walked away. I wish I knew how one group of people could jump from topic to topic like they did. 

Before the band was out of earshot, I'd zoned everything out and let my body take me over the familiar track that circled the field. 

Suddenly, I was pulled out of my head and into the shadows of the visitors' bleachers. I stumbled behind whoever was dragging me, deeply confused before I saw their face. Then, I was just angry.

"What do you want, Levi?" I spat, tearing my arm from his grip.

"Oh, come on, Cassie. Don't be like that. Can't old friends just talk?" He leaned against one of the poles holding up the stands, just smirking at me. It reminded me so much of every meeting the two of us had throughout the months we were together. Levi had yet to lose that stupid smirk that was always plastered on his tanned face. The only thing that was different was the air between us and our uniforms: I was wearing the red and white of the Minotaurs, and he was finally in the black and green field commander uniform he always dreamed about. 

"Of course, but we're not friends. And this," I motioned to the space around us, "is sketchy as hell. I'm leaving."

I almost did, but he moved from where he was leaning to put a hand on my arm, his eyes pleading. He actually looked sincere. "Please, Angel. Hear me out."

"Don't call me that. You lost the right to call me any of those stupid nicknames you gave me." I sighed, though. "But I'll listen."

"I miss you, Cas. I was stupid. No, it was worse than that. I made the biggest mistake of my entire life, and I don't just miss you. I feel like I lost a piece of myself when you broke up with me."

I frowned, crossing my arms. " _You made a mistake._ Really? Oh, Levi. Cheating on me with all those people wasn't a _mistake_. A mistake is when you leave food in the oven for too long or when you forget your keys at home. You made that decision, so you're just going to have to live with that."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you that stupid or do you just think that _I'm_ that stupid? Because saying sorry isn't going to fix anything, especially because I know you. I know that you don't feel any remorse for what you did."

Levi grabbed both of my wrists, trying to pull me closer. "But I do. I loved you, Castiel. I still do."

"Let go of me."

"But-"

I froze cuffs of frost around my wrists, separating my skin from his. All I felt was a slight chill, but Levi jumped from the sudden cold and took his hands off me. "I said _Let go of me_."

"I just want you back." He started walking towards me. Each step that brought him closer, I countered with one taking me backwards. "What can I do that will make it up to you? What can I say that will make you come back home?"

My back hit one of the poles, which Levi took to his advantage. He used his powers to magnetize both the pole and every piece of metal on my uniform. All the twenty-five buttons, the three zippers, and the buckle on my belt managed to hold me in place.

"You asshole." He just smiled at that. "There's nothing you can do, nothing you can say. You made my life _hell,_ Levi. I don't want to be around you at all. Why do you think I'd want to be with you again? You cheated on me, lied to me, played me, taunted me, berated me, turned the whole school against me. I left Claydon to get away from you. I started a whole new life in a whole new state because you fucked me up so bad." I pressed my lips together, calming myself down before I made it rain again. I wouldn't want the game to be cancelled and have to come back. "I'm happy in South Dakota; I've got plenty of friends, a great roommate, and Dean."

Levi's entire demeanor shifted at his name. He stepped closer to me, agonizingly slowly. "Oh, yes," he said, rolling his eyes. "The famous Dean Winchester." Even closer. "You know, I didn't think wrestlers were your type. Or flutists, for that matter."

I practically spat my next words at him. "My type is decent guys who don't lie to me and cheat for over a year!"

Levi finally closed in on me after taunting for so long. He hovered over me with his arm above my head on the metal beam. I felt even more trapped and vulnerable than I did before. "You really ought to get over that. Holding grudges isn't good for you."

"And you really ought to keep your dick in your pants. STDs aren't good for you either." I let my eyes travel over his face, not bothering to hide the disgust on mine. "And from what I've heard, you've collected a few since I left."

He slapped a hand over my mouth. "Keep your voice down, Cas."

Jerking my head from under his palm, I glared at him. "So, now you're worried about what people will hear. And don't call me that," I repeated. My stomach was churning from the way he said my name.

"Why? You know you love it when I call you that. You know you miss me." He laid his hand over my heart, but the buttons on my sleeves were stopping me from pushing him away. "See? Your heart is racing. You love being this close to me again. Don't lie to yourself."

"No, I don't. Get away from me." I hated the way my voice wavered.

"Now, you don't really want that. I know you, Cas. I know that you still love me." He leaned in, every word sending his warm breath on my lips. I shivered as part of me feared what he could do to me; the rest was wanting to tear the asshole limb from limb. "Even if you could stop me, you wouldn't."

I tried to ask what he meant by that, but he was already pressing his lips to mine. After I realized I couldn't move in any way, I squeezed my eyes shut. Just because I couldn't stop Levi from kissing me didn't mean I had to watch him do it. The kiss was rough and forceful, like he was taking his anger out on me: he probably was. He tried to open my mouth after a moment, but _that_ I could stop. Then, like a miracle, Levi was gone. I heard the sound of someone hitting the gravel, but I didn't care because I could move again.

I finally opened my eyes to find my boyfriend hovering over Levi, who was on the ground. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

●Dean●

I knew Cas would be having a hard time being back at his old school, so I went over to check on him before the game started. Charlie told me that he went to the concession stand when they first got the the field. He hadn't gotten back yet.

I immediately went to find him. I didn't like the fact that he was here in general; now he was missing.

I was searching for a bright red uniform in the sea of students wearing black and green and red and white. It didn't take long for my eyes to find him, even though he was partially hidden by the darkness under the bleachers. As I got closer, anger and jealousy flamed inside me as I realized what was going on: he was kissing someone. I didn't let either of them explain before I ripped the other boy in Claydon colors off of Cas and threw him to the ground. I lit my hand on fire, mostly to see both of them. When I saw who had been all over my boyfriend, I contemplated dumping that fire onto him. I instantly recognized him as Cas's ex-boyfriend.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I shouted.

He started stammering incoherent excuses, which I ignored. I turned to Cas, making him jump where he was still pressed against that pole. He was crying and shaking. Any thought of him starting this was instantly dismissed.

I put out my fire and picked Levi up by his collar; the boy was so shocked, he hadn't moved from the ground. "I'm going to repeat myself one more time. _What the_ _hell_ _do you think_ _you're_ _doing_ _with_ _my boyfriend?_ "

"Dean, I- We were just- I only wanted to, to talk."

"That wasn't talking. What in your screwed up mind made you think it would be okay to kiss him? Don't you think you've ruined enough of his life?" I put him down, but didn't let go of him. Whether it was because of my strength that wouldn't allow him to move away or the fact that that I had a good three inches on him, Levi looked terrified. Yet he didn't look half as afraid as Cas did. "I felt the pull of the metal on my uniform. You used your powers to keep him here so you could force yourself onto him, didn't you? You're disgusting; everyone is going to know it too. I hope your band will be okay without a field commander for the rest of the season."

"Please don't," he begged. "I've worked so hard for this."

"And then you assaulted someone I love. I think it's time you got what you deserve." I pushed him away from me. "And Cas," I said, still directing my words at Levi. "He's mine, and I don't want to see you anywhere near him again. Don't say another word to him. And I swear to God, if you touch my boyfriend again, you'll have a lot more to worry about than losing your place as field commander."

Levi and Cas looked equally shocked by the words that just came out of my mouth. Almost as surprised as I was by them. I completely ignored the brunette who quickly disappeared into the crowd in favor of my boyfriend, lowering myself to where he sunk to the ground. "Are you alright, Cas?" He nodded, but didn't say anything. He looked shellshocked, staring off into space. "I- I didn't overstep my boundaries, did I? I'm sorry if I did. I just wanted to-"

Cas shook his head. "No, don't be. I-" He threw his arms around my neck and cried into my shoulder. "Thank you for coming. I- I don't know what would've happened if you didn't. He could've- He could've done anything to me."

"Shhh." I hushed him, rubbing circles on his back. "Everything's going to be okay. I'm not going to let him anywhere near you. In fact, I think you should go back to the dorms. You should just get away from Claydon for a while."

"Dean, I- I can't just- just leave. Mr. Harrison-"

"I'll take care of it," I told him gently. "If you want to go, I'll take you back home. I don't want you going by yourself."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

He finally nodded, taking a long, labored breath after. I walked him back to the stands where the band was sitting and made sure he was okay by himself before I went to talk to Mr. Harrison and my dad. I explained what happened to both of them, and they told me to take Cas back to Glen Rock. The conversations didn't last long, but when I got back, a girl wearing green was hugging Cas and crying.

"-so sorry, Cassie," she was saying. "I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you can't."

"I don't know, Gracelyn."

_Gracelyn_ _? The friend Cas's_ _ass_ _of_ _an ex-boyfriend cheated on him with?_

Cas looked over to me, desperate to end the conversation. "I have to go."

"Of course. Just think about what I said."

"What was that about?" I asked him as we walked through the gates to the field.

"I'll explain later."

•••

Cas stayed quiet the whole trip home, not saying a single word until we reached his door.

"Um, Dean. Do you mind if I- I just don't want to be alone right now."

He started tearing up, so I pulled him into a hug. "You can stay with me tonight," I replied, trying to calm him by running my hand through his hair.

We both changed out of our uniforms when we got into my room: Cas just wearing some of my clothes again. A minute didn't even pass before Cas was crying into my chest.

"I'm so sorry, Dean."

"Hey, hey. Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."

"But Levi kissed me and I-"

"Couldn't do anything," I finished for him. "You didn't kiss him, right?" He shook his head. "He used his powers to trap you, right?" He nodded. "Did you want to kiss him?" This time, he sniffled before shaking his head. "Then, you did nothing wrong. Please, please, please don't blame yourself for this. I'm not mad at you; I don't blame you for what happened. I'm just happy that you're safe. That's all that matters." I could feel him relax against me. Clearly, he was worried I would be blaming him. "Why don't you get some rest? We can talk about this in the morning."

○Cas○

I had lost all sense of time as Dean and I laid together. The moment would have been peaceful in any other circumstance: warmth radiating off of Dean, his heartbeat lulling me to sleep, no sound coming from noisy neighbors as everyone was at the game. Unfortunately, my mind wouldn't stop replaying everything that happened.

Dean touched my hair, smoothing it down in a gentle gesture. "Are you still awake?"

"I can't go to sleep."

"That's understandable. I was just wondering if you were doing that because of a nightmare or something else."

"Doing what?"

"You keep shocking me." I started apologizing, trying to pull away so it didn't happen again. Dean only brought me back against his chest. "I don't care if you're doing it, Cas. I was just worried."

"Gracelyn apologized to me," I said after a moment of silence. "She told me that she realized how stupid she was after I left Claydon and Levi cheated on her. I kind of thought that was funny. Levi cheated on me with her, and she thought he wouldn't do the same when they were dating. She told me that she broke up with him, as if that made anything better."

"She wanted you to forgive her?" Dean asked, though it came out more as a statement than a question.

"Yeah. But I don't know if I can. Do you think I should?"

Dean mulled it over for a while, but eventually answered. "I can't tell you what to do, Cas. You're going to have to decide for yourself whether you can forgive her. All I can say is that, if something like this happened to me, I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to forgive Levi or Gracelyn. This is up to you, though."

I nodded, but there was still one thing that I needed to ask about. There was still one thing that was bothering me. "Did you, uh... Did you say that you loved me earlier?"

I felt Dean stiffen under me, and I refused to look at him. He seemed to be panicking, so I started running my fingers over his skin in an attempt to calm him down.

"I didn't mean to say that, Cas. I know it's probably way too early to admit that, and it was the worst possible timing, but it just slipped out. I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable." It all came out in a rush.

"Did you mean it?" I whispered.

I was afraid he didn't hear me, but he answered almost instantaneously. "Definitely."

I nodded into his shirt slowly, letting everything sink in. Dean probably thought I fell asleep from how long I stayed quiet, but I was thinking. Gathering every bit of courage in me, I spoke up. "I love you too, Dean."


	28. Debilis & Distress

●Dean●

  
For the next week after the incident at Claydon, I did everything in my power to help Cas. I walked on eggshells around him mostly, as I didn't know how he was feeling about everything. I gave him his space too; until he told me I was being stupid, that is. He hadn't forgotten about it or really moved on yet, but he felt safe in Glen Rock. He felt safe with me.

So, things were close to normal. Pretty much.

•••

I stared down at the paper laying on my desk, reading and rereading just to make sure I'd heard Balthazar right. _As your_ _final_ _for_ _this class,_ _you_ _will be participating in a week-long project that_ _will_ _temporarily disable all_ paratas _abilities. For_ _all_ _intents and purposes, you will finish_ _AP_ Debilis _as_ debilis. _Below_ _are both the information on the procedure we will use and the rubric for_ _how_ _your final will_ _be_ _graded_ _._

"I can't do this," I whispered to Benny. "I've already figured out that I rely on my powers way too much when I had Cas's powers. What is with my teachers this semester? They're going to kill me."

"Suck it up, Winchester. I'm actually going to enjoy this week. You don't know how much I'm going to sleep."

I sighed. "Okay, night vision can't be _that_ bad."

"It's always day, Dean. Always. I don't know how I do it."

"You sleep with a mask on," I deadpanned. "You do realize this means you have to walk everywhere, right? No speeding."

He laughed, jotting something down. "And you do realize I'm on the track team, right? I don't rely on my powers like you do. You're just going to have to deal with this, Dean."

I didn't like the fact that he was right.

•••

On Monday, we were given capsules similar to those we had for _Paratas._ Obviously, Balthazar and Mr. Potter had helped each other with the two worst projects of my whole life. Unfortunately, these seemed to get into my system much faster than the power-swapping ones did. By the end of class, I felt extremely different. I could already feel the warmth my body hoards escaping into the air, leaving me with a slight chill under my school uniform. My whole body, along with, well, everything, grew heavier with every passing minute. I forgot how much I used my strength without knowing, yet it was like this time, more of my strength was taken from me. Maybe these pills were more effective since they had less to do. Maybe not; I know nothing about medicine.

I really felt the difference during band practice as we marched around the track to prepare for our Christmas parade. My arms were hurting from holding my piccolo in position, and I lost feeling in my toes from the snow that had started piling at my feet. I was just thanking God that we lost last week's playoff game and didn't have another this weekend. If I had to practice this week for football, I would die. I was also sending silent _thank yous_ to every wrestling coach that agreed to push our first meets until after break. That gave me one less thing to worry about this week.

Cas came back to my dorm after practice, possibly to baby me in my situation. He brought me a few blankets and somehow leaked heat into the air. It was the exact opposite of what he did on the anniversary of my mother's death, but I wasn't complaining at all. That was one power of his I was very greatful for today.

"Is that better?" Cas asked, wrapping one of the thick blankets around me and tucking himself under my arm so he could rest his head on my shoulder.

"I don't know how you handle this. Is it always this cold here?"

"Yes. It's December, Dean." Cas shifted to put his hand on my leg, making butterflies erupt in my stomach. I was always amazed at how Cas could make me feel this way, even with the simplest of gestures. "Didn't you expect this? I mean, you didn't have your powers for our project in _Paratas_."

"That was different; I still had powers. This feels like every part of my powers is completely gone. Before, I think I could still feel them. If I would've tried really hard, I probably could've set my hand on fire. Now... It's kinda scary, Cas."

With our last project, it was almost like Cas's powers were just blanketing my own, suffocating them until they seemed gone. My powers were gone now. I could feel the difference, and it did more than scare me. I was terrified. I'd never felt completely powerless before. Maybe all of my strength, both physical and mental, came solely from my _paratas_ genetic code. Cas was the only thing holding me together.

•••

Somehow, Cas hadn't gotten tired of me in the span of the evening because he came back the next afternoon and just let me complain. He would raise the temperature each time I said I was cold and would listen while I talked about how heavy the doors were on campus. I didn't know how he was doing it because I was being really annoying. Miraculously, though, Cas stayed by my side the whole time.

•••

I was laying in bed, dreading getting up for school because it was really warm under my blankets. I'd figured out how to wrap myself in the layers of soft fabric to keep me almost comfortable in the freezing room that got colder when Cas left.

The thought of him was followed by a knock at my door, then by Cas letting himself in with my spare key I told him to keep multiple weeks ago.

"Good news," he announced, crossing the room to my bed and sitting. He had a huge smile on his face; it really must've been good news. "It snowed about a foot and a half last night; everyone was so unprepared, they cancelled school today. It's below freezing right now, so I figured we could stay in and watch movies like you were wanting."

It took me a moment to process what he said. "There's no school? Um, Cas, did you have something to do with this?" It couldn't have been a coincidence that I mentioned last night that I would do anything to stay home and we had a snow day today.

He smiled cryptically. "I might have helped." He let that hang in the air for a few seconds before he went to my desk to get my laptop. "So, let's binge watch something and not go outside until tomorrow. What do you say?"

I had to admit, that sounded amazing.

○Cas○

My parents, especially my dad, had always warned me not to use my powers to change things to suit me. At least, not big things. They let me change the temperature and grow my own plants as I wished, but they never wanted me to do anything like changing the weather to get out of school or to spite someone. That didn't mean I listened, though. I would do little things like help along the clouds when it was raining or snowing to make sure the rain fell the right way to flood into someone's open windows or to add an extra inch of snow. This didn't feel any different, except for the fact that I changed the pathway of the clouds that carried our snowstorm and made sure it was too cold for anyone to be outside. Really, it wasn't a big deal.

Anything for Dean.

In fact, that decision turned out to work amazing, despite my recent luck. We practically did nothing all day, simply lounging in Dean's sauna-like room and watching cheesy romance movies on Netflix. And thanks to the world's greatest minifridge, we didn't even have to leave the room to eat. We talked and watched movies and cuddled and everything was perfect. For just this one moment in time, nothing bad could touch either of us. There were no shady pasts filled with mysteries, no broken hearts or disgusting exes, no murders or rumors or stares. It was just me and Dean, a laptop between where we were laying and a comfortable silence in the hot air.

I never wanted to break that silence that hung around us, but I couldn't help but sit up and ask, "Do you think this is okay?"

"The movie?" Dean questioned, not looking away from the screen. "It's pretty good." I hadn't been paying enough attention to tell if that was true.

"No, not the movie. Us."

He immediately closed his laptop and pushed it away, matching the way I was sitting. "What is that supposed to mean, Cas?"

"It's just that I've been thinking. Are you happy?" Despite my overwhelming fear of his response, I met his eyes.

"Of course I am. Why would you ask that?"

"Levi," I said, barely audible. "There's just been so much trouble with me. I can't be a good impact on your life. Hell, Dean, you threatened him a few weeks ago."

Dean took my hands in his, staring me in the eyes as he spoke. "I don't care about any if that. And you are no trouble at all. I don't have a single problem with being with you; I'm not worried about our pasts or the bad that _might_ happen. Cas, I love you. Nothing is going to change that."

I nodded to myself as I processed that. That calmed some of my fears about this relationship. There was only one more thing I was going to bother him with. "Do you think we have any idea what love is?"

●Dean●

I didn't know where this was coming from. Had Levi planted all these doubts in Cas's mind almost two weeks ago and left Cas to question our relationship all that time? While I was stuck on why Cas was bringing this up, he was still mumbling.

"... _really_ know. Like, I thought I did, but I'm not really sure; Dean, I thought I loved Levi. How could I-"

"Cas."

"-that I loved him? Look at-"

"Castiel." He finally stopped and focused on me. "I don't doubt that you loved Levi at one time. I also don't doubt that you despise him now. But, Cas, that hatred doesn't cancel out the love you had for him in the past or mean that you never understood love. Yes, Levi is the literal human embodiment of garbage, but you loved the parts of him that he let you see."

"I just... I feel so stupid. Why did I even talk to him? I should've left before he said anything." Cas dropped his head, so I brought him into a hug. He didn't say anything for a long time, and I wasn't eager to interrupt his thoughts. "Everything with him was a mistake." He pulled away from me and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just needed to talk through some things."

I let my hand slide down to his leg, resting right above his knee. "Don't apologize. I'll always be here for you to talk to, no matter what. So, don't be afraid to talk to me. I don't like you keeping things bottled up for so long."

"I know. I'm trying to open up more; it's just hard. But I trust you." He bit his lip, then smiled. "Let's get back to the movie."

Usually, I would worry about the sudden shift in our conversation, but not this time. Despite my lack of powers and everything that had happened with Levi, it truly felt like things were getting back on the right track. Things were only going to get better too.


	29. Cards & Christmas

○Cas○

I was going to kill Dean if I heard him complain about his project one more time. He was seriously getting on my nerves, which took some talent. I thought that if I could handle all of my siblings on a daily basis, I could handle anything; apparently Dean was the exception. I was never happier when the project was over, and Dean's powers were returned to him. Of course, after that, he would light and extinguish fires randomly throughout the day. He seemed fascinated by his own powers, appreciated them more now. I guess that was a good thing, though.

The only thing that was better than my reprieve from Dean's complaining was the fact that the day after was Christmas break. I didn't quite miss home, I actually didn't want to go back there anytime soon, but I loved Christmas. There was always a type of magic in the air around the holiday season, one I would never be able to find anywhere else. It only seemed fitting to share that magic with Dean; he had the same idea too.

He actually asked me first. Between his bouts of complaints, he told me how much he wanted to spend Christmas with me. Dean even admitted that he didn't want to spend two and a half weeks away from me. We ended up compromising with our families and decided to spend a week at my house, a week at Dean's, and the last few days apart. Somehow our families agreed on this, as long as we split Christmas Day.

_Huh. This_ _sounds_ _like a_ _custody_ _agreement._

So, that was how I found myself back in Claydon with Dean by my side.

_This is going_ _to_ _be interesting._

°°°

"What do you mean you've never watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas?"

Dean let out a little puff of air that brushed against my face. We were laying in my room after dinner with only a lamp on, not wanting to go to sleep just yet. "I've watched the Jim Carrey one, just not the cartoon."

"But that's a classic Christmas movie! How could you not-" I was interrupted by someone pounding on the opposite side of the wall. "I think Michael wants us to shut up."

"Yeah, but your brother already hates me, so let's ignore him. What were you saying about Christmas Eve?"

I tightened my grip on Dean's waist, nuzzling my face into his chest. "We have this tradition where we spend the night leading up to Christmas watching a bunch of movies. We also do that on Christmas Day, but those are different types of movies."

"Different types?"

"Yes. Like A Christmas Story is a Christmas Day movie. Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman are too. But A Christmas Carol and Grinch and the Polar Express are all for Christmas Eve."

"Hm." He drew out the sound for a long time, running his thumb over the bare skin where my shirt was riding up above my hips. "I don't understand what the difference is."

"Anticipation versus celebration, Dean. You'll get it later."

"I don't understand you sometimes." I looked up at him. "Hey, that's not a bad thing. The more I don't understand about you, the more there is to learn. And I love learning new things about you."

I grinned. "You're so cheesy."

"You love it, though."

"Maybe."

°°°

The next morning, Dean wanted to go to church with my family. I told him that he didn't have to, but he wouldn't hear it. Our church was fairly small compared to the others in Claydon and not many people from the high school went there. The most I had to worry about was the older women who were going to tell me that Dean was the cutest and that I was very lucky.

All in all, everything went quite smoothly, and we were back home. My dad had to go into work for some emergency in the financial department, so my mom decided to take Anna and Alfie to a movie. Michael, Luce, and Gabe took the opportunity to finish getting Christmas presents for everyone. The twins just holed themselves up in their room to play video games. With nothing else to do, I proposed an idea to Dean.

"Do you want me to teach you how to make pie?"

Dean's eyes jumped up from his phone faster than I'd ever seen. "Really?"

"We should have everything we need, so... yeah."

"You're the best." Dean moved over to kiss me, smiling softly as he pulled away. "I love you." A strange look crossed his face, almost like he didn't expect himself to say that.

I kissed him on the cheek. "I love you too. Now, come on. This pie isn't going to make itself."

We spent the next couple hours talking and laughing, somehow ending up covered in flour and sugar and various other ingredients. Gabe walked in on us a few times: once while Dean was throwing flour at me and again when we were kissing against the counter.

"I just came in for food," he said. Dean took a few steps away from me, a light pink blush dusting his cheeks. "Oh, don't let me stop you. Like I said, I just wanted food." Gabe went through a few cupboards to find a pack of PopTarts. He glanced at the oven. "That smells really good. Tell me when it's finished because I want a few slices." He waved at us as he left the room, shoving a PopTart in his mouth. "Carry on."

"I don't know what to make of your brothers."

"No one does." I pulled on his shirt until his body was pressed against mine again. "But I think we were in the middle of something."

Dean ducked his head to meet my lips. That only lasted a few seconds, though, as we were interrupted again. This time, it was by Luce.

"Gabe told me you two were having a moment. I came to ruin it."

"Thanks, Luce," I mumbled, burying my face in Dean's shoulder.

●Dean●

It always felt like Gabriel was the glue that kept the Novak family together. He somehow could keep Michael's superiority and Lucius's attitude in line; he connected with Cas, and had the same sense of humor as Ezekiel and Gadreel.

He worked his magic again on Monday and brought everyone together. Naomi and Chuck were at work, so he put on a movie for Anna and Alfie and dragged us all into the family room.

He had boxes of games and decks of cards waiting for us.

"What is this, Gabriel?" Michael asked.

"We're going to play some games. We never do anything together, so we're going to spend the day like this."

Ezekiel was the first to sit down on the floor where the games were. "So, you think putting us in a competition against each other is going to bring us closer?"

"Sure."

Gadreel sat beside Ezekiel. "Well, I'm in."

"Me too," I said. I joined the twins, sitting by Ezekiel with Cas following me on my right. Gabe sat beside Cas, beaming at us.

"How can I say no to crushing all of you in every game?" Lucius said, taking a seat by Gabe.

We all looked up at Michael, the only one who was left standing in our circle. He finally sighed. "Fine. But only for a little while; Elizabeth is supposed to be coming here for Christmas, and we need to make plans."

"In that case," Gabe announced, "I say we start with the best game: Cards Against Humanity."

Now I knew why he didn't invite Anna and Alfie.

•••

"Michael, that's the third time you've used _**Bees?**_. How do you keep getting that card?"

•••

"Who knew Cas had such a dirty mind?"

"Dean did."

•••

"How about a new game? Have you ever heard of ERS?" Gadreel glanced at Ezekiel with a wicked grin. "Our theater class is obsessed with it."

Ezekiel started giggling, which could only mean we were in for something... interesting, at least.

"Okay, listen because this is complicated."

•••

"No, no! My hand is under yours."

"One finger is! More of my hand is touching the card!"

"I gotta agree with Gabe."

•••

"That was a sandwich."

"I already put the next card down."

"No! I get the stack."

"Cas, put down two cards."

"Fine."

•••

"Are we seriously playing Go Fish?"

"Don't act like you're above it, Michael."

•••

"You guys better watch out: I'm the best at Uno."

"You've said that about every game, Luce. And you haven't won anything."

•••

"Take that, you assholes."

"Calm down. You didn't even guess who the killer was. You didn't win."

•••

"Boys?" Naomi called, her voice coming closer until she was standing in the doorway. "What are you guys doing?"

"We've been playing games."

"I see that." She started laughing as Ezekiel fell on top of Cas. "I didn't know we still had Twister. I hope you've been having fun; it's nice to see you all getting along. I stopped and got some pizzas on the way home, so come eat whenever you're done."

•••

"I had a lot of fun today," I told Cas when we were settling in for bed that night.

"Yeah, me too. I didn't know some of my family knew how to have fun. Just wait until tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Not sure." He yawned. "Gabe promised me it would be even better than today."

•••

We spent the next couple days playing every type of game we could think of, watching every movie that wasn't set aside for Christmas, and making every snack we had the ingredients for. Each day seemed to get better and better, despite my original thoughts of being alone with all of Cas's brothers for a week.

It all seemed to build up to Samandriel's birthday, who was thrown a party on Friday. Even though his birthday was two days before Christmas, the Novaks treated it like any other birthday.

The week's crescendo came to a halt that night, ending with a gentle quiet in the Novak house. We were all anticipating Christmas Eve: the breakfast of Naomi's crepes she was apparently famous for, the Christmas movies everyone watched together, Elizabeth's arrival and Michael's proposal.

But right now, not a creature was stirring.

○Cas○

Sometimes I loved Christmas Eve more than Christmas itself. There was always a special kind of unity in our house on that night, one that we could never match on any other day of the year. It was almost as if on Christmas Eve, we were finally a family. This year, though, everything was perfect. Mom and Dad both were off work, no one was fighting, Dean and Liz were spending the holidays with us, Michael was hours away from proposing. I couldn't help but wonder what bad thing was about to happen. The last time something this amazing occurred was Thanksgiving break; just days after, I had to face Levi. There was a part of me that was expecting something terrible to happen. But for now, I was going to enjoy Christmas Eve. After all, there was a stack of movies we had to get through and an answer from a certain girl that was going to change our family.

We started our traditional Christmas Eve movies around noon with our whole family in pajamas and snuggled under blankets. Mom and Dad were sharing one on the loveseat, Dean and I were cuddling with my comforter on one side of the couch with the twins at the other end under their own blankets, Michael and Liz were on the other couch and were actually showing affection, Luce had Anna on his lap at the opposite side of that sofa where she was surrounded by a quilt Aunt Amara made, and Gabe and Alfie were sprawled on the recliner. The most surprising thing was that my eldest brother was being affectionate towards someone. Yes, Liz was possibly going to marry him, but I'd never even seen them kiss before. I always thought of Michael's relationships like Sheldon's from The Big Bang Theory. I guess I was wrong. The Tin Man did have a heart.

Our line up was A Christmas Carol, the Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Nightmare Before Christmas, then the Polar Express. We were saving the animated Grinch for Christmas Day, specifically because Dean had never watched it before. There was hot chocolate ready in the kitchen for us to fill out mugs with anytime we needed and enough cookies from my boredom the days before to keep us full until tomorrow.

The first movie came on, and before I knew it, over eight hours had passed and Michael asked Liz to take a walk with him. He was fidgeting with something in his jacket pocket: the ring, I was guessing. As he left, we gave him thumbs up and mouthed _good luck_ to him. They didn't come back for a few hours, but when they did, Liz was wearing a sparkly new ring. Mom started crying the second she saw it, going directly for hugs from the two of them.

After the bulk of my family was over their initial gawking, I congratulated them both. Liz pulled me in for a hug. "Aw, thank you, Cas. I'm so happy to see you all again; I'm so excited to be part of your lives in a bigger way."

"We are too. Michael couldn't have done better. I'm very happy for you both."

Liz grabbed both sides of my face, beaming at me. "I'm happy for you too, Cas. I'm so glad Levi is out of the picture because Dean is amazing. Are we going to be hearing some good news from you two any time soon?"

I felt my eyes practically bulge out of my head. "Elizabeth! We're still in high school. Dean's not even eighteen yet. We haven't been together that long anyways. It's way too early to talk about marriage!"

She only laughed at me. "I'm kidding, Cas. But I'm rooting for you two."

"Thanks, Liz."

I went back to Dean, probably looking insane or traumatized.

"What was that about?"

"She wanted to know when we were getting married."

"Huh?"

"That was my response too."

"My God, Cas," he mumbled, walking upstairs with me. "Your family is nuts."

"You signed up for this."

He stopped at the top of the stairs. "You know, I think you're worth all the crazy."

"Am I?"

"Oh, absolutely."

●Dean●

I woke up with the overwhelming sense that something was wrong. It took me less than a second to piece things together and realize Cas wasn't in his room. Every morning, I had Cas in my arms, whether he was awake or asleep. This was the first morning I woke up alone. I'd never noticed how much I hated that.

While I was thinking, Cas opened the door very slowly and peeked his head in. "Are you awake?"

I sat up. "Yeah. What's going on?"

He practically ran to me. "It's Christmas!"

"I know that, Cas. I meant right now."

"Mom's getting ready for dinner and everyone is sorting through presents."

"Speaking of presents, I'm waiting to give you yours until later. I kinda left it at my house."

"Okay. You'll get yours later then too."

I pulled Cas onto my lap and gave him a kiss, one he happily accepted. We stayed like that for who knows how long before I broke the kiss. "Merry Christmas, Castiel."

"Merry Christmas, Dean." Without a second thought, he kissed me again.

I was happy to stay like that forever, but there was a knock at the door followed by Gabe telling us they were going to open presents.

"We should probably go down there."

"You're right." Instead of getting up, he pressed his lips against mine again.

"Cas- come on-" I said between him kissing me. "Let's go."

"Ugh. Fine." He pecked me on the lips. "If you insist."

I laughed to myself. I loved it when Cas got really affectionate. It didn't happen too often, but every once in a while, Cas would shower me with affection. It was nice.

I followed him downstairs where everyone was waiting for us. There were stacks of presents in front of every Novak and soon-to-be Novak. Surprisingly, though, there were two piles left unaccounted for: one for Cas, the other for me. I hadn't expected the Novaks to get me anything, yet it seems they each did. I was really glad I got them something too.

Being the idiot I was, I had to go back upstairs to get their presents. Once I did, I added to the piles in front of each person.

"Honey," Naomi said, "you didn't have to get us anything."

"Neither did you but-" I gestured to my presents that I wasn't expecting Cas's family to get me.

Chuck interrupted his wife, "Thank you, Dean."

After that, we started opening gifts, starting with Alfie and working our way to Chuck: youngest to oldest.

I really enjoyed the entire exchange, all except for Luce's present for me. He literally gave me a box of condoms that had a note that said _Just want you to be safe_ on it. Every other present was sweet and appropriate to open in the same room as Cas's parents and siblings.

After presents, we watched one last Christmas movie: the animated Grinch. I had to say, I was glad I watched it. Unfortunately, we had just enough time to finish the movie and pack before we were leaving for Glen Rock. It felt like just yesterday we came to Claydon, and now we were leaving. I was going to miss it; I was definitely going to miss Cas's family who I'd gotten to know pretty well. Although, I was missing my family. I couldn't wait to see them again.

○Cas○

Dean's house was very different from mine on Christmas. While my family had an organized way to open presents, his was more of a free for all. While my family watched Christmas movies in a comfortable quiet, his sang Christmas carols as they all pitched in to make dinner. It was loud and messy and unprepared, just like his family.

But I loved it.

After a week with the Novaks, I was ready for the Singers.

°°°

We didn't make it in the door before we were enveloped in hugs. Ellen and Jo met us out in the cold and immediately started fussing over us. It took a few minutes for them to realize I was shivering, but that prompted them to pull us inside. The air was filled with carols and gingerbread. I smiled at the decorations filling the halls and each room: they were all made by Dean, Jo, and Sam as they grew up. There were tiny hands in ceramic, thumbprint snowmen on Christmas bulbs, popsicle stick snowflakes, and every other craft imaginable somewhere around the house. I couldn't help but notice the lack of crafts made by Dean, eight years of his life undocumented in glitter and paint. Sam was only missing four years, a fact that could be chalked up to him being a fussy baby. The Singers certainly tried to make his absence unknown, yet almost half of his life was gone, stolen by John Winchester.

I focused back on Dean, finding his hand as we sat on the floor around the Christmas tree.

"You're lucky we waited for you, son," Bobby told Dean. "Sam wanted to rip open his presents first thing this morning. We agreed to let him open one if he waited for the rest."

"What did you get?" Dean asked his brother.

"A Switch." He turned around to show Dean the new game system. "Now I know why I couldn't open one of the smaller ones."

Ellen sat down beside Bobby, smiling at her son. "Since you already know what yours are, get the first present."

I almost asked what she meant, but I figured it out when he grabbed a random box and gave it to Jo. She opened it before taking another present and giving it to Ellen. Whoever got to open the next gift was completely random, which was very amusing to watch. I guess this was another reason why Dean told me to leave his family's presents at his house.

I was surprised when Sam gave me a box wrapped in shiny purple paper. "That's from Mom and Dad, I think."

The look Ellen shot me warned not to say that they didn't need to get me anything. I smiled sheepishly and unwrapped the box. Inside were a couple folded shirts and sweaters.

Before I had a chance to say thank you, Bobby spoke up. "Those are fireproof. We thought that, since you're spending more time with Dean, you should have your own fireproofing. We all have some of our own too."

"Just in case," Ellen added.

I laughed, looking at my boyfriend. "I guess you burn off your clothes one time, and no one trusts you."

He stared at me in shock. "How did you find out about that? Jo?" He looked up at his sister, who shook her head.

"Wasn't me this time."

I turned back to Bobby and Ellen. "Thank you, though." I sat my clothes behind me and picked up the next present. "Dean."

°°°

It took us a long time to open all of the presents, yet it felt more personal that way. And soon after, we ate dinner as soft Christmas music played in the background. It was just the six of us; honestly, I felt like I was intruding. Dean assured me that I wasn't, but there was one thing that was bothering me.

"If I'm not intruding on any of these family occasions, why is Zayn never here?"

"If you're talking about the pumpkins, he had just gotten his wisdom teeth removed and came a few days after you to carve one. And Zayn came by this morning to open presents with everyone."

"You both are family, Cas," Ellen told me. "And you are always welcome here."

I looked down at my plate, slightly embarrassed. Under the table, Dean placed his hand on my knee and rubbed little circles with his thumb. Strangely enough, I'd never felt more welcomed than in the Singer home in that moment.

The almost-quiet passed and we were back to talking and laughing and singing along with the music. It wasn't exactly peaceful, but it was perfect in its own way. Its own loud, messy, unorganized way.


	30. Necklaces & New Years

●Dean●

Cas and I waited until all the festivities were over to exchange our gifts. We were alone downstairs by the Christmas tree, the only light coming from the fluorescent bulbs on the tree.

Cas looked nervous. I covered his hand with my own. "Hey, is everything okay?"

"I didn't know what to get you. I'm just hoping you like it."

"I will. You know me well enough to get something I'd like." In fact, I didn't have a doubt that I would like it. Whatever it was. "Here," I said, handing him his present, "open yours first."

He nodded and gently undid the wrapping paper. Cas couldn't see the second gift under the tissue paper, so he picked up the smaller box nestled inside.

"Your sister helped me out with that one." Cas opened the box and smiled. "She said the last nice watch that you had stopped working mysteriously a few summers ago."

"Dean, Levi got that for me. I threw it against the wall and broke it." He slid the black leather watch out of the box and ran his thumb over the glass face.

"Turn it over." Engraved on the other side was **_Don't E_** _ **ver Change**_. Cas had told me months ago that he didn't know who he was. In the time that we'd gotten to know each other, I had a feeling he found out. I felt like we both loved this Cas. I definitely did.

"Dean," he breathed. "I love it. Thank you." He went back to the box, finding his other present under the tissue paper. "Is this your football jersey?"

I nodded. "It's tradition that seniors keep their jerseys after their last season, and, well, I want you to have it."

"Dean, no, I can't-"

"I want you to have it," I repeated. Cas pulled me into a long hug.

"Thank you," he told me again. He kept murmuring thanks into my shoulder. Finally, he let go of me and kissed me.

"I'm guessing you like them."

"Of course. Here are your presents. I have to admit, they're not nearly as good as yours were."

Cas handed me a bag that had something wrapped in cellophane and a small box inside. I decided to go with the box first. It had two matching metal pendants that read **10.08.16**. They resembled dog tags but were shaped almost like ovals.

"That's-"

"The day we started dating."

I handed him one of the necklaces. "Could you put it on me? I'm too uncoordinated to do it myself."

Cas quickly latched the clasp before asking me to do the same with his. I messed with it but couldn't get it. Cas laughed and took the necklace from me. "I've got it."

"Sorry. I told you that I'm uncoordinated." I ignored the expression on Cas's face and pulled out the other gift from the bag. It was... a ceramic pot?

Cas must have noticed my confusion. "That needs some explanation. You said you wanted something to remember the day we went to the botanical gardens, so..." He touched the center of the pot, and a small sprout started blossoming. I watched in fascination as multiple flowers grew from nothing, only from Cas's will. "It's a fire lily."

"It's us."

Cas nodded. "Yeah. It's us."

I didn't hesitate in bringing him into a long kiss. "I love you."

The look on his face was like he couldn't get enough of hearing those words come out of my mouth. "Merry Christmas, Dean."

"Merry Christmas, Cas."

○Cas○

The week passed by in a blur. It was all noise and excitement in the Singer house. They never stopped; it was always a party with Dean's family. I guess it was only fitting for them to throw an actual party for New Year's.

We spent the entire day decorating and cooking; by nine, dozens of people were filling their house. The party was mostly for Bobby and Ellen's friends and colleagues, but Sam, Jo, and Dean invited some of their friends as well. Sam had taken his friends up to the game room to play his Switch; Jo's friends were in her room with her; all of the adults had taken over practically the entire first floor. That left me, Dean, Charlie, Adam, Meg, and two girls who I didn't know to sit outside around the bonfire. The first was a year younger than Sam, and the other was a year older: Alex and Claire. They were Mrs. Mills's daughters who decided that they didn't want to deal with "annoying boys, a room of teenage girls, or boring adults". We were the lesser of the evils. They instantly won Meg's approval with that statement.

We spent the night gossipping amd making s'mores because the Singers always had plenty of chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers for whatever reason. Before we knew it, Bobby was calling us inside to watch the ball drop.

"Just a second, Cas." I stopped in my tracks to turn back to Dean. He was standing by the steps, hesitant to move any closer to the door. "Can we just sit outside for a little longer?"

"As long as you keep me warm."

"It'll be my pleasure." He sat on the bottom step and waited for me to join him. When I sat beside him, he wrapped his arm around me and put his head on my shoulder.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"It's perfect. I'm just not ready for this year to end."

"Why?"

"This has been one of the best years of my life: knowing you, being with you, everything good that's happened since you came to Glen Rock. I've never realized how mediocre my life was until this September."

I rested my cheek on his head. "Time is going to keep moving, no matter what. Shouldn't we cherish the past and keep going too? Something even better might come along that we couldn't ever imagine. We'll never know if we stay stuck in the past."

"That's really smart."

"I'm just giving you your own advice. Didn't you tell me the same thing about Levi?"

I could feel him smiling. "I guess I did." After falling silent for a few minutes, he mumbled, "Is it wrong that I want to end out our year like this?"

"No. I want that too."

So, we stayed just like that until the countdown to the new year. At one, Dean kissed me. He leaned his forehead against mine, breaking out into a grin. "Happy New Year, Cas."

●Dean●

Cas had to go back home the next night for his dad's birthday. We somehow convinced my family to leave us alone for the day. We lounged around in my room, eating leftovers and watching the first things Netflix recommended. When Cas was sure his parents were going to kill him if he stayed in Glen Rock for a second longer, I walked him to the portal office to send him off.

I went back home feeling a little lost without Cas by my side. After being with him constantly for the past few weeks, it didn't feel right to be alone now. _Man, I was hopeless. I was a hopeless,_ _lovesick_ _fool._

But was that such a bad thing? To be happy? To be in love?


	31. Wake-Up Calls & Wrestlers

○Cas○

Coming home was almost a relief. Sure, the new semester was about to start up with entirely new classes that I would have to get used to, but leaving Claydon seemed like a blessing.

_Coming home?_ _Leaving_ _Claydon?_

When had _home_ switched from my family's house to the dorms of Glen Rock Academy? Was that really what I meant or had _home_ changed meaning to become a certain person? Was I going _home_ to South Dakota or to Dean?

Whatever I was coming back to, it gave me comfort. There was something about the snow-covered campus that eased my anxiety that only rose while I was in California. I couldn't stop imagining running into Levi or Gracelyn or anyone else from my past. I didn't want to face my most recent stressor or give my old friend an answer to her question of forgiveness. I still didn't have a response to that.

After everything that happened in Claydon recently, well, calculus was going to be a breeze.

We were back in classes on Wednesday, so Tuesday night, I visited Dean in his dorm. He'd been at wrestling practice for most of the day, and I hadn't even been in the state. I knocked on the door, but let myself in before he had to get up. My suspicions were right when I thought he was going to be heading to bed soon: he was laying down with earbuds in and the lights off. The only reason I knew he was awake was because he was humming along to whatever music he was listening to. I didn't know how to get his attention without scaring him, so I just turned on the lights. To be honest, it was a little funny watching him jump, then squint at me in confusion.

He pulled the earbuds out of his ears. "Cas? What are you doing here?" His voice was rougher than usual, a clear sign he was about to fall asleep.

I hurriedly turned off the lights. "Sorry. I'll head back to my room."

He stopped me before I moved. "No, come here. I don't want you to leave; I only didn't expect for you to be over tonight."

I took off my glasses and laid with him, interpreting his gesture correctly as he wrapped his arm around me.

"How was practice?"

He sighed. "Boring as ever. Coach Stevens has been working us harder in the past few days than he was before break, I guess since we should've had at least one meet by now, but it's so dull."

"When is your first? I'd like to come watch."

Dean rubbed his fingers up and down my arm a few times before responding. "This weekend. That's why Stevens is so stressed. We really should've been practicing more, but no one really wanted to during exam week or break with our matches so far away."

"Why did you guys push back the season?" I was sure Dean had already told me, but I just couldn't remember. The patient smile confirmed my thoughts.

"The first couple matches were against schools whose football teams were still in playoffs. I guess some of their best players were on the wrestling teams too, and they didn't want to take away from either sport." He stopped talking yet kept his hand tracing lines on my arm. "You really don't have to come, Cas. It'll be boring; there are better things you can be doing with your Saturday."

"I can't think of anything." He scoffed, which I pulled away at. "Dean, come on. I just want to come and be supportive. How about this... if I think it's the most dreadful thing in existence, I'll never come to another."

"You and I both know that you're coming no matter what I say. I've learned that I can't stop you from doing anything."

"Yes, but I want you to want me to be there."

"If you really want me to want you to be there, then I want you there." There was a smirk in his voice. _Okay, now_ _he's_ _just teasing me._

"Thank you." My mind suddenly jumped somewhere else, confusing even me. "Oh, I forgot to tell you."

"Hm?"

"I switched out of my digital imaging class to take orchestra with you." Dean and I got our schedules before I went back to Claydon, and to our disappointment, we didn't have a single class together. We were actually pretty shocked considering most of our classes last semester were the same.

We thought we had mostly the same classes, and we did. Just not at the same time. I had calculus while he had English, then I had English and he had Spanish 2, then I had chemistry 2 and he had calculus, and finally I had digital imaging while he had orchestra.

I decided that morning to get my schedule changed so we could finish off our senior year with at least one class together. Based on the look on Dean's face, that was the right decision. Besides, I could live without digital imaging; I didn't even know what that class was when I signed up for it.

I watched as Dean yawned, his face scrunching up in a cute way. "I should get going. Let you rest. We have school tomorrow morning, and I know for a fact that you've been sleeping in until noon every day."

"Not every day," he pouted. I laughed, trying to stand. Dean pulled me back down, nuzzling his nose into my shoulder. "No, don't leave yet. Stay, please."

I sighed, giving in quite quickly. How could I say no to him? "Fine. But only for a little while."

"Sleep here," Dean mumbled, sounding like he was already doing that. "Please. I don't want you to go yet."

"Okay, okay. I will." Honestly, he acted like a child when he was tired.

"You should just move in here." I wasn't sure if I heard him right. He wanted me to move in with him? I mean, it was just across the hall and to his dorm, but still. "You're here all the time anyways." Apparently, my boyfriend also opened up when he was tired.

"Dean, I don't know if that's-"

"I don't want you to ever leave me." Those words shattered my heart. Was Dean worried that I was going to leave him? Had he been bottling this up inside and only his mind that was fighting sleep could admit it?

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured him. He was already asleep.

●Dean●

  
I loved waking up to Cas sitting on my bed with coffee. It came right behind waking up with him in my arms.

"What time is it?" I muttered, almost to myself. I knew Cas heard me, though, and was going to answer.

"Don't worry. We still have half an hour."

"So, I can go back to sleep?" I asked hopefully. I turned onto my side, earning a impatient chuckle from Cas.

"Absolutely not. We both need to make a good impression on our teachers today; showing up late isn't going to do that. Get up and get dressed or I'm going to dump this coffee on you."

"It doesn't matter. It won't hurt me."

"You won't get coffee, though," Cas told me triumphantly. "And I used your money to get them."

 _Alright, he won_. I sat up quickly. "My money? How did you get my money?"

"You leave your wallet out on your nightstand." _Oh_. "Now, hurry up."

I got up, pecking him on the forehead before heading into the bathroom to get ready. I could've gotten ready in just a few minutes, but I dragged it out just to annoy my boyfriend. When I walked back to him, I noticed that I did a good job.

"I should've gotten you a dictionary for Christmas because you don't know what _hurry_ means."

"Beauty takes time, Cassie."

He rolled his eyes, either due to my bullshit or the nickname I picked up in the Novak house. I kissed him, trying to get back on his good side. A pissed off Cas meant no staying over, no affection, and no coffee in the mornings. Luckily, I felt him smile into my mouth.

"Were you drinking my coffee?"

"You take a really long time to wake up," he said shamelessly.

I took the cup from him, shaking my head as I lifted it to my lips. "It's almost empty!"

He jumped up from my bed and went to the door. "Get ready faster tomorrow."

I shook my head and went after him.

•••

I never thought I'd miss having PE with my dad first thing in the morning, but Mr. Mitchell's English class changed my mind. The slight consolation was Meg who sat behind me. I could already see that causing some trouble, but I was glad for the company. When classes changed, Cas met me outside to tell me that he shared his calculus class with Jo, Zayn, Charlie, and Kevin. Then, Benny and Dorothy followed Cas through the door for their second block. I left to head to Spanish 2, knowing no one other than Jordyn who was taking that class. At least, I had her. And luckily, Señor Wright liked me and wouldn't kill me for being late.

•••

The cafeteria was always loudest that first day after Christmas break. It didn't matter if we were eight or eighteen, there was always an excitement in the air when everyone got back together. In fact, our table was practically bursting with excitement. And with people.

In addition to me and Cas, we had Jo, Zayn, Benny, Meg, Adam, Charlie, Dorothy, and Kevin. Kevin usually spent lunch with his girlfriend, but today, he was with us. Everyone was fitted around a table meant for eight; we were trying to push the poor furniture's limits. But I guess this wasn't such a bad thing, as Cas's chair was pressed so close to mine, he ended up leaning against my shoulder. Having four couples at the table certainly saved some room since the others were taking the opportunity to do the same.

Adam glanced around the table, then at Kevin, the only other person who wasn't touching the person next to them. "Should we be cuddling too?"

Kevin's face drained of its color. "I'm good. Thanks." Then, as if by miracle, Kevin's girlfriend, Channing, walked up to the table.

"Sorry I'm late, Kevin. The guidance counselor is still trying to convince me to drop one of my AP classes. She says I'm going to drop dead from all the stress I'll be under." She pursed her lips, obviously not under the same assumption. "As if." She looked around our group of people, hitching her bag onto her shoulder. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Nope," Kevin replied, standing. "Are you ready to head to the library?" She nodded, and they went off.

"Come on, Kev," Adam called after him. "I thought we had a moment!" He received a few odd glances, but mostly everyone was too caught up in their own conversations to hear him.

Our table laughed, even Cas who threw an apple at Adam. "Quit scaring away my friends."

"Dorothy and Charlie are still here," he rebutted, taking a bite out of the apple as if that meant his victory.

"That's because we have no standards for friends," Dorothy interjected, not even looking up from her book. "I also ignore everything that comes out of your mouth." At that, she shot Adam a wide smile before going back to her reading.

"Don't mess with Dorothy Baum," Meg declared dramatically, wiggling her fingers. "She'll drop a house on you. Or worse, melt you."

Our table dissolved into another round of giggles.

•••

By the time calculus rolled around, I was wondering how I was going to survive this last semester. I only had a couple months left of school, but I knew they were going to inch by. At least, this class was. Before the bells chimed for our last block, I was out of my seat and heading to the door. The only class I had left to get through was orchestra; that was the least of my worries. Just ninety minutes until wrestling practice, the new thing that was consuming my life. I was going to miss my free time.

Cas was already seated in the saxophone section when I got to the orchestra hall, the larger version of the band room situated at the front of the fine arts building. I had no idea how he did this since he had a longer trip from the science wing, yet here he was. When he saw me walk in, he winked at me. The small gesture brought heat to my cheeks, a blush certainly accompanied.

Mr. Harrison pulled me aside once he came through the door, already in a frazzled state. "Dean, what are you thinking about for your last season? There are some great parts for piccolo in this line up. A really nice solo too."

I looked back to my section, the girls who moved from marching band to orchestra were all pulling out their flutes to test them. Their lower pitches joined the clashing voices of other instruments that hadn't been touched since this time last year. Jo was one of the musicians testing their instruments; she was hovering by Cas who was simply watching her play. He didn't have to make sure his worked as he was using the same saxophone he played in marching season. I glanced back at the flutes.

"Actually, Mr. Harrison, I think I'm going to let someone else take over my spot." I brought my gaze back to Mr. Harrison. "Cora," I told him abruptly. "I want Cora to take the piccolo spot. She's good enough to do it, better than good."

"So, what are you thinking for you?"

"I'll go wherever you need me. Get everyone else and whatever instrument you still need, I will play."

He shook his head in amusement, but agreed. In the end, I was placed in the low brass section, playing baritone saxophone with London. She and I were the only bari saxes this year, which wasn't a bad thing when you looked at the other two from marching season. Poor underclassmen were a mess. But on the bright side, I was one row behind Cas, just a few seats to his right.

Cora practically tackled me at the end of class. "Thank you for telling Mr. Harrison to give me the piccolo spot. That means the world to me." She gave me a hug. I never noticed how short she was until that moment. She couldn't have been much more than five foot, as her head didn't even meet my shoulders.

"Well, I know you can outplay any other flute or piccolo in this band, probably even me. You deserve it, kid."

She ran off with an excited squeak; I just smiled after her. _I'm leaving my section in good hands next year, even if those are the tiny hands of a sophomore._ Cora's hug was soon replaced by another. I leaned into Cas's arms that were wrapped around my waist.

"That was nice of you." He touched his forehead to my shoulder blade, letting out a little sigh.

"It was true. Cora is amazing."

"It was also nice of you to talk me up to Mr. Harrison. He just gave me a solo in our main piece." I could feel him smiling. When I turned myself in his arms, I saw that I was right: Cas was beaming.

"You're amazing too. I wouldn't want anyone else having that solo. I knew Mr. Harrison would feel the same way."

"He told me that you wouldn't shut up about me when you were helping him get concert season ready before break."

"Cas," I assured him, "I never shut up about you."

○Cas○

Despite Dean's many complaints, the short week of school went by astonishingly quick. At least, for me. I had classes with pretty much everyone, all but Adam and Meg. I even had chemistry with Harrison, someone I was happy to stay in touch with after marching season. He, unfortunately, chose to take an independent jazz study in favor of orchestra, so chemistry was the only time I saw him. My days went by in a blur of conversations and laughter. Dean, on the other hand, had just one class with Meg in addition to orchestra that he had with almost everyone. I could understand how his week went by slowly.

Yet here we were at the very end, our monotonous routines beginning once again. The end of the week also brought Dean's first wrestling meet. He was still trying to convince me not to come, to no avail. I finally confronted him as to why he was so keen on me not coming to support him, and he told me that he was going to be even more nervous with me there.

"I'm not going to be able to focus knowing that you're out there watching me," he admitted. "But if you really want to, please come. I'd love the support."

So, I came to support him.

Meg went with me to Arizona to watch Dean and Benny; I was glad for the company. Bridgedon was huge, and I would've gotten lost had it not been for Meg. She was also really fun to talk to one-on-one. There was something about her dry wit and sardonic personality that made her very interesting.

We'd settled into our seats on the bleachers, just waiting for everything to start, when Meg surprised me.

She stretched her arms over her head, arching her back in a way that would've been painful, or impossible, for anyone without her elasticity power. I almost didn't hear what she asked me because I was transfixed by the way her spine was bending, like it was one of those flexible brushes the trumpets used to clean their instruments.

"Are you staying in Glen Rock for college, Cas?" The sudden seriousness of the conversation threw me off.

"I think so. The city has become my home, as odd as that feels to say. Sophomore year, I planned on staying in Claydon, then I wanted to go anywhere _but_ Claydon. Now, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else but Glen Rock."

"Have you talked to Dean about that? I doubt he'll leave either, he doesn't seem to want to go too far from his family, but you never know."

I thought for a second, trying to remember if we've ever talked about college. "I don't think I have. Why? Where is this coming from, Meg?"

She wouldn't look at me, instead fixed her eyes on her boots. "I'm going back to Ohio after I graduate. Benny and I were talking about it a few days ago. He was offered a place at a university in England; he's thinking about accepting it. A long distance relationship like that will be... difficult. It's not like we can take a portal to wherever the other is each weekend. That would add up quick." She shook her head, finally looking at me. "Sorry, I got a little carried away there."

"No, don't apologize. I'm sure talking this out helps a little. I couldn't imagine facing that. I really hope everything works out for you." And I meant that. I didn't want to imagine life where Dean wasn't always right there. Where I couldn't fall asleep in his arms or walk to class with him or kiss him whenever I wanted. Where our conversations would be playing catch up and would be restricted to texts and video calls. Where we would start growing apart because of our different lives. Where that distance would lessen how we felt and we would-

"Shit." I squeezed my eyes shut as a jolt of pain ran up my arm.

"Are you okay?" Meg asked.

"I think my powers just short circuited." Sure enough, my left arm had blue lightning shooting to my elbow. I moved my hand, opening and closing my fist, to get some feeling back into it. "Yeah, I definitely just electrocuted myself."

"Oh my God. Should we go get someone? Are you going to be okay?"

"I should be fine," I said in answer to both of her questions. The flickers coming from inside my arm were already fading, though my hand was still buzzing with numbness. "I just- I don't know what happened."

Neither of us knew what to say, so we turned to the mat in the center of the gymnasium, hoping they would get started soon.

°°°

Meg and I waited for Benny and Dean after the meet, buying time by trading stories about our hometowns. Things were pretty much back to normal, except for the worried glances I was receiving every couple minutes, and we tried to forget about what happened with my powers.

Our boyfriends caught up to us after a while, dressed in sweatpants and T-shirts. They had changed out of the uniforms that didn't leave much to the imagination, the ones Meg had spent the entire day snickering at.

"Did you have a good time?" Dean asked, trying to prove a point. "Was this everything you dreamed of?"

Meg answered for me. "Oh, it was dreadful. Probably the worst way to spend my Saturday." Dean looked proud of himself until Meg continued. "I think we should do this again, Cas."

"Yeah, of course. I had loads of fun today."

"Wait," Benny interrupted. He turned to his girlfriend. At least, I was pretty sure they were dating. "Didn't you just say you had a horrible time? Why would you want to come to another meet if it was _dreadful_?"

She shrugged. "It's not like I have anything better to do."

"I will never understand you."

"No, you won't."

Dean had been smiling at them both, enjoying how happy his friends were, but he interjected their discussion. "So, I'm starving. What do you guys think about exploring Bridgedon to find something good to eat?"

Benny jumped right into that topic, helping Dean find a place to eat from one of the Bridgedon wrestlers.

"Do they ever stop thinking about food?" Meg laughed.

"No, they don't."

"Boys," she sighed out. I had a strange sense of déjà vu, like we'd had a similar conversation before. Judging by her expression, we had.

Yet I didn't question it or the strangeness of my next statement. "Yeah," I agreed. "Boys."


	32. Special Nights & Snowball Fights

 ●Dean●

The first thing I noticed was the rain. It wasn't falling against the window like it would in the dorms, never quite touching the glass due to the roof but managing to drip slowly from the overhanging. No, this was a storm, and the room was shaking with every drop of water that touched it. But that wasn't it. It sounded and felt like rain was directly hitting the room from every angle, like the storm was targeting it.

The rain continued on like that, growing heavier and louder as it went on, before the first boom of thunder sounded. The noise echoed until the next followed, somehow even louder. Then came the lightning. It illuminated the dark room in a blue light just long enough for me to see it was entirely empty. There were no decorations, no furniture, no signs of life. Yet the most terrifying thing was that there was no door. I was trapped.

Another clap of thunder and bolt of lightning filled the air. I jumped when something hit the roof with a metallic _clang_. It seemed hail was now joining the storm. The thought didn't so much as pass my mind when I started coughing.

I dropped to my knees as water filled my throat, cutting off my airway and choking me. I couldn't breathe. No matter how much water I coughed up, more replaced it. The loss of air was getting to me; soon, I passed out.

My eyes flew open, and I touched my throat. I took a few heavy breaths as I assured myself that I was safe in my room. My heartbeat was slowing, which was good. I held open my hand and covered it in fire. Suddenly, the dark wasn't too appealing. The glow was comforting, and soon I was confident I could sleep again. Unfortunately, my body had decided to stay wide awake after my nightmare. I didn't have to go to school today, so I wasn't worried about losing sleep, but I was curious as to how much sleep I was losing. However, when I picked up my phone to check the time, I got distracted by the banner taking over my screen.

A sudden thought came to me. I had to text Cas.

○Cas○

I rolled over and grabbed my phone from my nightstand. _Dean better have a really good excuse for waking me up this early._

 **From Dean:**  
**Do you know what today is?**

I squinted at the message, making sure I read it right.

 

**To Dean:**  
**You do realize it's one in the morning right?**

  
I could see that he was typing, but it took him a while to send his message.

 **From Dean:**  
**Sorry thought it was at least three but you never answered my question Do you know what today is?**

 

**To Dean:**  
**It's Sunday which means I should still be asleep**

  
**From Dean:**  
**Guess again**

 

**To Dean:**  
**If you don't get to a point I'm going back to bed and turning off my phone**

  
**From Dean:**  
**Fine fine**

 **From Dean:**  
**It's our three month anniversary**

I stared at my screen for a long time. _Was he serious? That's why he woke me up?_

 

**To Dean:**  
**Why couldn't this wait until the sun was up?**

  
**From Dean:**  
**Because I wanted to show you something and the sun couldn't be up for it**

 **From Dean:**  
**Just come with me for a little while**

 **From Dean:**  
**I promise you can sleep after**

 

**To Dean:**  
**Do I need to get dressed?**

  
**From Dean:**  
**Well it's cold so I'm sure you want clothes on probably something warm but you don't have to change out of your pajamas**

 

**To Dean:**  
**Alright I'm coming**

  
I mean, why not? I was already awake.

I grabbed my keys and shoved them into the pocket of the hoodie I wore to bed last night. I threw on the closest pair of shoes I could find and my glasses, leaving my sleeping roommate behind. Lucky.

Dean scared the hell out of me when I went into the dark hallway: he was waiting by my door, and I almost screamed when I saw him hovering there. He was holding a large blanket and nothing else.

"What are we doing?" I whispered.

"You don't have to be quiet," he assured me at regular volume. "Everyone's asleep."

"Which is why I'm whispering. Wouldn't want anyone else to be woken up," I said to myself.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to, Cas. We can both head back to our rooms."

He was upset, and I was being a dick. I sighed. "No, let's go. I want to see whatever you're showing me."

Dean broke out into a huge smile and took my hand, leading me away from the front doors. He took me up the stairs at the end of the hall and onto the roof.

"Are we supposed to be up here?" I asked, still whispering.

"Who's going to stop us?" I didn't like that answer. He laughed at whatever expression I was making. "Come on, Cas. No one is going to catch us. And even if they did, they would just tell us to go back downstairs. Live a little. Break the rules."

"Alright," I replied, just as uneasy as before. "Why are we up here?"

Dean motioned for me to help him lay out the blanket, choosing not to answer the question. He laid down, looking straight up, and waited for me to lay with him before he spoke again. "You've never been outside this late, have you?"

"Um, no. I'm usually fast asleep at one in the morning."

He didn't respond to that. "The stars are beautiful. I've never seen anything that compares to the night sky at Glen Rock." He looked back at me. "Well, there is one thing."

I found his hand between us as I followed Dean's gaze. "Wow."

"This is what I wanted to show you. There are so many stars out here. It's like nowhere else in the world." He suddenly closed his eyes, not looking at what he brought me out here to see. "I used to come up here to think when I couldn't sleep. There was something about the open air and endless sky of stars that cleared my head. It made me feel like it was just me out here, like I was the only person in the world. I haven't wanted to feel like that in a long time." He let his eyes open, staring at me. In the starlight, he looked exceptionally gorgeous. His eyes were shining, that deep forest green reflecting pinpricks of light. I could make out each and every freckle that dotted his face, and his hair was toussled from sleep. "I haven't wanted to feel that way since I met you."

 

I didn't know what to say to that, so I just kissed him. He seemed to understand everything I couldn't put into words.

"Castiel." Dean's lips brushed against mine when he said that, sending chills down my back. I didn't think I'd ever get used to the way he said my name. Especially my full name. After so long of only being _Cas_ to so many people, hearing Dean call me _Castiel_ felt special. It was just a name, only four letters tacked on to the end, yet it felt so different. So much more. "Happy three months."

_It really has been._

°°°

I woke up with only a vague memory of falling asleep. The last thing I remembered was Dean telling me stories about the constellations. We were on the roof then, but now we were both in his room. He must have carried me. My glasses were folded on his nightstand and he had taken off my shoes. I happily returned to my position, tucked into Dean's chest with his arm around my waist.

After a moment or two, Dean started mumbling in his sleep. At first, he was just making noises that nowhere resembled words; eventually, though, I made out a word. Well, a name.

"Cas," he said, barely audible. I melted a little at that: Dean was dreaming about me. I didn't know my boyfriend talked in his sleep. Of course, I was never awake by the time he actually fell asleep, so I wouldn't know. I watched him for a little while, waiting for him to speak again. I saw his face move in the moonlight, looking worried. "Cas?" Dean seemed to ask. He was much more concerned this time. "No," he drew out. "No, don't." I wondered if he was having a nightmare and, if so, if I should wake him up. But when he didn't say anything else and tightened his arm around me, I decided to let him sleep. He needed the rest.

°°°

Somehow, despite all the hours I spent asleep, Dean woke up long before me. He enjoyed watching me freak out when I saw the time on his alarm clock: a good two hours past when I normally left for class. It wasn't until I tried to rush out the door did he stop laughing and tell me that school was cancelled due to the extreme temperature and amount of snow.

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you _didn't_ have a part in today's day off." He hadn't even moved from where he was sitting on his desk.

Everything was making more sense. When it registered that I wasn't late for calculus, I sat back down on Dean's bed and started laughing. "No, I didn't. And I only helped last time," I clarified. "I didn't cause that snowstorm."

"I know, Cas. Here." He handed me a steaming cup of what smelled like coffee. "This should keep you warm."

I took my mug, along with the one Dean was drinking from, and set them on his desk beside him. "I was hoping to stay warm another way."

He raised his eyebrow, but happily returned the gesture when I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. I pulled away after I nipped at his bottom lip, earning a noise of disappointment from Dean. But I just hugged him tighter and burried my face in his sweater, only slightly aware that he'd added that over the T-shirt he was wearing last night. It was one of the three sweaters he owned: the dark blue one. I breathed in the way he smelled, like laundry detergent and his cologne. And he somehow still smelled like his car. I didn't question that, instead focusing on the heat his body was radiating. Being near Dean was a very efficient way of staying warm. I loved my human space heater. I glanced back at the two mugs and suddenly pushed away from Dean.

"Did you go outside in this weather to get us _coffee_?"

"No, of course not. I had Dad make it at home and send it to me in the fridge. I'm not that dumb," he scoffed.

"You're kinda dumb, though."

"That's insulting, Cas. I'm hurt." He pressed a hand to his chest, presumably showing me his injuries. "Look what you've done. There's no fixing this."

I stepped back to where I was standing between his legs, his knee brushing against my thigh from where he was still sitting on the desk. I placed my hand on his where it was resting over his heart. "I can try," I told him. Once again, he raised his eyebrow in a way that made my own heart race. Ignoring my quickened pulse, or possibly using it to boost my courage, I brought my lips to his in a much more heated way than moments ago. My, how things can change.

●Dean●

"Do you remember how I said I wasn't dumb earlier?"

Cas barely glanced up at me. "Definitely."

"I have a dumb idea." Cas gave me an exasperated look, but waited for me to go on. "Let's go to the lake."

"The lake," he deadpanned.

"You know, the lake that we-"

"I know what you're talking about. But why? It's too cold to leave. Plus, I'm very comfortable." He snuggled closer to me for emphasis.

"I just think it'd be fun to go out and do something today."

"In the below freezing temperatures?"

I laughed at that. "Yes, Cas. That's typically when it snows, aka the entire reason to go outside today."

He was about to respond, but his phone vibrated on my nightstand. I handed it over to him. "Charlie," he explained. After reading her text, or texts judging by how many times it vibrated, he sighed. "Well, it seems like everyone else had the same idea as you: the whole senior class is having a literal field day. Um, out on the football field in an hour," he continued. "Do we have to go?"

"No."

"Do you want to go?"

I smiled at him. "Kinda."

"Okay. I've got to find some warmer clothes then."

"Try Kevin. He's a junior, so he probably won't be outside."

"He's also not an idiot."

I took his hand. "Don't be so hard on yourself," I teased. "You're not an idiot." He glared at me, which made me grin. "You love me."

"I don't know why, though."

I rolled my eyes, so Cas kissed me on the cheek. "I'll be back."

Sure enough, by the time I found everything I needed to brave the outdoors, Cas was back with a pair of overalls from Kevin and his own thermal clothes. We both got dressed quickly, well, I did. Cas spent fifteen minutes trying to put on his overalls and wouldn't let me help.

When we were finished, Cas looked between us. He was looked like he was ready to go outside while it was below zero; I was dressed for more of a light chill. "Is that all you're wearing?"

"Everything is waterproof," I said in defense.

"But won't you be- You don't get cold. Nevermind."

I pulled on his coat, zipping it up for him. "You look adorable."

"Shut up. I look ridiculous."

"Absolutely not." I ducked down to kiss him, which took the frown off his face very quickly.

•••

When we got to the football field, Charlie pulled us into a hug. I don't think I've ever talked to that girl without her giving me a hug, not since Cas and I started dating. "I'm so glad you two made it: we needed two more on our team."

"What team?" Cas asked nervously.

"For the big snowball fight. It's me and Dorothy, Adam, Benny, Meg, and Harrison right now. And you make seven and eight. Now, come on. We only have..." She checked her phone, which took longer than it should have. "Seventeen minutes left to get ready."

Charlie immediately put us to work making snowballs with Dorothy while the others made us a fort down by the visitors' bleachers. There were eight other work in progress forts around the field. I leaned over to Dorothy, who had been here for a long time judging by the number of snowballs piled beside her. "How many seniors are here?"

"Pretty much all of them. I think there's around sixty or seventy of us, which is the most people who have ever shown up to a class activity. Way more than the twenty-six who helped with prom last year." I remembered signing up to help with the food with Jo and we had to plan everything by ourselves. Honestly, I didn't know most of these kids still existed after freshman year. How all of them showed up, I'd never know.

Our seventeen minutes went by fast, and then it was chaos. We were apparently playing dodgeball-style where if you were hit with a snowball, you had to sit out on the bleachers. The last team standing won. This meant that there were teams joining together and people running from base to base as they emptied of teammates. There were kamikaze players who would go behind enemy lines and take out as many people as possible before they were hit.

Our team held fairly strong since we had a football player, a baseball player, me who was both, and a softball player. We also had Meg and Charlie who were ruthless. Dorothy volunteered to be our own kamikaze runner, despite her crazy good aim that couldn't compare to anyone else. Cas and Adam stayed hidden in the fort to make us snowballs until they both somehow were hit. It felt like an eternity when Cas yelled down from the bleachers to me and Charlie, the only two left on our team, that there were just three groups left that had one person each. It was me and Charlie against Lincoln Mayfield, Maxine Dennison, and Jo.

"Are you against destroying your sister if it comes down to it?"

"No way. In fact, I hope it's just us in the end with her."

Sure enough, it was. Lincoln tried to ambush us and Maxine was too slow to get back behind her fort, which caused the field to be just me, Charlie, and Jo. So, Charlie and I made plans. We took the remaining snowballs and made our way to Jo's fort to sneak behind. She was expecting one of us but not both. When she saw me, she hit me in the face with a snowball, surely leaving a stinging red mark on my cheek. Yet before she could turn back around, Charlie hit her square in the back, winning the game for our team.

"Nicely done," Jo told me. "I didn't think you'd give yourself up like that."

"I know, sis. That was the point."

•••

After the snowball fight, everyone slowly drifted back into groups where they made snowangels and snowmen, played their own games that I couldn't begin to comprehend, and one attempted to build an igloo. Jo and Zayn left without explanation, only telling us to wait. They ended up bringing four water coolers filled with hot chocolate from our house, which surprised everyone in the best way. Charlie and Dorothy made a snowman that had icicles for eyes and arms, laughing at how stupid it looked yet calling it a work of art. Meg and Benny were using their powers to make words and shapes in the snow and disturb the piles of snow until it looked like it was falling from the sky still. Harrison and Adam had started in on their own snowball fight, which ended with Harrison's face being pushed into the snow. Cas and I just ended up sitting and talking, occasionally entertaining ourselves with the snow or our powers. But it was nice to not be seniors for a little while. For just one day, we were all kids again.


	33. Sore Spots & Scars

○Cas○

After Monday's snow day, it was hard to get up for school. All week, Dean was awake before me, letting me sleep until we had fifteen minutes to get to class. It was frustrating to say the least. But Dean told me on Wednesday that I'd been tossing and turning all night, like I couldn't get to sleep, so he wanted to let me rest as long as possible. I didn't complain about almost missing first block after that. Even though we almost did every day.

I stayed with Dean every night up to the weekend, though I didn't mean to. We would be studying or watching old reruns of our favorite shows, then I'd be falling asleep. That always ended with me not wanting to go across the hall and Dean inviting me to just stay over again. I never refused that offer.

So, that became our routine, all until Friday night.

I'd just gotten out of the shower, Dean trading places with me the second I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist. I got dressed in a pair of sweatpants I left at Dean's dorm, but I realized I'd forgotten to get a clean shirt from my room. No matter, I'd just take one of Dean's.

I sifted through his closet, laughing at some of his shirts that had stupid statements or dorky references printed across them. In the middle of my search for one of my boyfriend's smaller shirts, I felt a hand on my bare back. A snicker followed me flinching in surprise. "What are you giggling about?" Dean asked.

"Your dumb clothes."

He pressed a gentle kiss to the bend of my neck before resting his chin on my shoulder and wrapping his arms around my waist. "Don't lie. You love my clothes. I mean, aren't you trying to find something to wear?"

I didn't answer, which he took as a victory. "Though, I wouldn't mind if you stayed just like that. I'm not complaining."

"Of course not." He started peppering kisses up my neck. I tilted my head so he would continue, but he stopped when he ghosted a kiss behind my ear. "Dean? Why'd you-" I turned in his arms.

I noticed where his eyes were the moment I saw him. When I covered my shoulder with my hand, he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare."

"It's fine." I brushed past him and sat on his bed. "I know you hate it." The slightly raised skin of the burn rubbed under my hand, but Dean came over and took both of my hands in his.

"It's not that I hate it, Cas. I hate the person who did this to you, the ones who made your life miserable for all that time. I hate that you have to carry around this horrible memory every day. I hate that some kid got to touch you and hurt you without getting into any trouble." He ran his thumb over the scar, just staring at it for a little while before he said anything else. "I could never hate something about you. Just why."

I thought back to something Dean had mentioned almost two months ago. "Ellen," I whispered. "Do you really think she could do something about it? It's been years, Dean."

"My mom is amazing. If you actually want to, it won't hurt to try."

I nodded to myself, thinking this through. I didn't pay much attention to the scar anymore, only when Dean brought it up. In all honesty, I've moved so far from that low point of my life in middle school. But it would be nice to be rid of it. The scar was ugly, and when I took notice of it, I kind of hated it. Plus, it would ease Dean's mind knowing that a part of my terrible past was put to rest.

"Okay," I told him. "Let's go."

"Now?"

"Yes. Right now."

"Then you might need to put a shirt on."

It didn't take us long to get to Dean's house. And after he explained to Ellen what was going on, she happily agreed to help.

"I don't know if this will work, Cas," she was telling me. I was sitting on a barstool in their kitchen with my shirt off and my boyfriend and his adoptive mother hovering over me. It was an odd situation. "It might. If it does, this will probably hurt."

"Why?" Dean asked, worry lacing that single word.

"His body is trying to replace a large portion of his skin, Dean. And if I'm right, the burn goes down deep. This kid must have been pretty powerful."

"It was a fluke," I informed them unnecessarily. "The guy controlled fire worse than I can, which is sad because I can barely use a lighter."

That made Dean laugh, which I was grateful for. I wished he wasn't so nervous for me.

Ellen rested her hands on me: one over the scar and the other on my wrist to take my pulse. It helped her concentrate apparently. Dean sucked in a breath, which made Ellen sigh.

"Dean. Shut up or go away. I can't focus with you freaking out. It's not like this is new to you."

Dean opened his mouth a few times and closed it quickly right after. "Alright, Mom," he finally settled on. I nodded to tell him I would be fine, then he left the kitchen. Judging by the sound of his footfall, he went upstairs.

"He's so dramatic," Ellen mumbled.

"You don't know the half of it." I laughed just thinking of a few memories. "You should've seen him when he didn't have his powers last month. The boy spent the whole week complaining." A small smile flickered on her face before it disappeared and was replaced by a strained expression. A red glow started emanating from her hands, very faint at first but soon growing into a vibrant color. "He kept telling me that the doors were too heavy for him to open and that the showers felt like ice water no matter what." I hissed as Ellen's hands grew hot, even the one pressing on ny wrist. The longer she left them on my skin, the more it felt like I was being burned all over again. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing my lower lip between my teeth so I wouldn't let out the many curses that were filling my mind.

"Almost there, Cas," Ellen soothed. "It'll be just another moment."

I didn't know how much more I could take. The pain was excruciating, starting at my shoulder and wrist and spreading all throughout my body. Then it just stopped.

Ellen let out a ragged breath. "I think that worked." She let go off me, studying my shoulder after. A wave of relief washed over her weary, ashen face. Healing my scar took a toll on her, but she seemed to think it paid off. "Good as new," she told me finally.

"Thank you, Ellen. So, so much." I gave her a hug, one she didn't expect but happily accepted.

"My pleasure. Now go get Dean before he has a heart attack worrying up there."

I nodded, taking my shirt with me but keeping it in my hand as I went to Dean's room. That's where I was guessing he was. Turns out, I wasn't wrong.

"Dean?" I pushed open the door to find him looking out the window with a worried look on his face. When he heard my voice, he turned and brought that look to fall on me. "It worked," I announced. "They're all finally behind me." Before he could process what I said or the new, slightly pink skin on my shoulder, I was kissing him with an intensity he didn't see coming. "Thank you." My mouth barely parted from Dean's to speak, letting a puff of air drag against his lips with each syllable. His eyes dilated more every second we stood that close.

"Why are you thanking me?"

"For everything." I pulled him down again, threading my fingers into his hair. The gentle movements against his scalp produced a low sound from the back of Dean's throat. When I pulled away to catch my breath and start talking again, Dean took the opportunity to resume the trail of kisses up my neck from earlier, this time starting at my shoulder that once brandished my scar. "How is this possible?" I asked him with a broad smile.

" _Hm_?" The sound vibrated at the curve of my neck as Dean pressed his lips against my skin once more, sending chills down my spine.

"Every time I think I couldn't love you any more, you always surprise me. How is it possible to love someone _this_ much? How is it possible to be so sure of someone?" He stopped his smothering of affection at my next words, if only for a few seconds. "I want to spend the rest of my life just like this: being with you, kissing you, loving you."

"Me too, Castiel. Nothing would make me happier."

It felt like we made a vow in that moment. There wasn't a proposal or any type of ring, but there was an exchange of words. A weight was put on those few sentences that we both felt, yet we didn't back down from the thought. I didn't know how we were so sure of this relationship or the love between us, but we knew it was more than a high school fling. There was a permanence in every kiss. There was a promise of forever laced in each declaration of love. Perhaps Liz was on the right path this Christmas. Maybe not anytime soon, but maybe. Some day.

●Dean●

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was Cas's hair brushing against my face. It smelled like my shampoo from where he showered in my dorm last night. Then, I realized I wasn't wearing my necklace Cas got me for Christmas. We both left them on my sink; I saw Cas's when I took mine off. I guess we forgot them in our rush to get here. The thought made me remember everything else from last night, including our intense make out session. That memory brought a blush to my cheeks and ears. I was glad Cas was still asleep because he would've definitely made fun of me.

My stomach growled, which I took as a sign for me to search for breakfast. I slipped from under the blankets and found a shirt in my dresser. Downstairs, my brother and sister were already eating omelettes at the breakfast bar while Bones happily ate by the door, my dad at the stove. I rubbed Bones's head as I walked by. It didn't seem like Mom was up yet.

"Well, good morning, sleepy head," Jo drawled. "Have fun last night?"

"What's that suppose to mean?" I asked, sitting beside her.

She smirked. "You didn't bother to shut your door." I brushed again, this time much worse. Jo looked away and took a drink of her orange juice, clearly enjoying herself.

"Leave your brother alone, Jo," Dad said. "He's allowed to kiss his boyfriend as much as he likes." He slid another omelette on a plate for me. "As long as he keeps it PG." He winked at me and gave me my food.

"Dad."

He ignored me, cracking an egg. "Does Cas like omelettes?"

"Yeah. He likes pretty much everything." The room was quiet, which reminded me, "Where's Mom?"

"Using her powers like that last night drained her. She's still asleep and will probably stay asleep for a while." Man, I felt bad now. I'd pushed Cas into healing his scar, and they both were hurt in some way. Cas told me about how painful those few minutes were. "Don't look so guilty, son. Your mom was happy to help you two. Plus, she was supposed to go to some meeting today for work, and she gets out of that now. She'll be thankful when she wakes up."

That eased my mind a little. "I'm going to see if Cas is awake yet."

"Don't get distracted again," Jo called.

I opened my bedroom door quietly, setting Cas awake and standing with his back to me. He was holding his arm, which was emanating a blue flashing light. It was the same color as his lightning. "Cas?"

He jumped and quickly pulled down the sleeve of his hoodie. "Holy shit, Dean."

"Are you okay?"

He gave me a strained smile that I almost called him out on. "Of course. You just scared me. What's going on?"

"Breakfast," I answered simply. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Now, let's go."

I knew he was hiding something, but I wasn't sure what. _He'll tell me eventually, though. I know he will._

•••

We went back to my dorm later in the afternoon, and I really started to worry then. I walked out of the bathroom to find Cas staring at the wall, unknowingly causing a breeze to pick up inside.

I went over to him, touching his shoulder gently. "Hey, are you sure there's nothing you want to talk about?"

He immediately snapped out of his trance, the air stilling once more. "Why?"

"You zoned out. And you turned my room into a wind tunnel for a minute or two."

"Sorry." He looked down at our feet. "I've just had some stuff on my mind. It's nothing really; I'm sure it'll work itself out on its own. But I'll tell you if it turns into something more." He pulled me into a hug. "Thank you for caring, though."

"Always."

•••

"Things are getting serious with Cas, aren't they?"

I glanced over at my brother, who had taken my lead in Mario Kart while I was distracted. "Sammy, I think it's always been serious with us."

He waited until I caught up with him, threw a shell at me, and drifted around the next turn. That single move put him in enough of a lead that he finished the last bit of track in first place. My brother looked up at me once I crossed the checkered line as well.

"I passed your room Friday night." I felt my face redden. "Are you thinking about marrying Cas?"

I started stammering. "Wh-what? I- I don't know, Sam." I set down my Switch controller with a small sigh. "We're too young for that right now, but it has been a thought. I mean, I love him. I really do. So maybe in a few years. Maybe after college. If he'll stick with me that long, that is." I laughed a little, rubbing the back of my neck. "You probably think I'm being stupid. Cas and I have only been together for three months."

"I don't think you're stupid. Your feelings aren't diminished by the length of time you've been together. You still look at Cas the same way Dad looks at Mom. The way John always looked at Mary in all the pictures I've seen of them. I've never seen you this happy. Not with Blake or that girl you dated freshman year that I never learned her name." He smiled. "I think you found something special."

"Thanks, Sammy. And her name was Carmen."

He just shrugged, setting up the next round for us. "It doesn't matter anymore." Sam didn't start the game, though. I thought it was just because Bones walked in the room, but he stayed silent long after his dog settled himself at his side. "You know how I know Cas is the right person for you?"

"How?" I was genuinely curious as to how my brother was so sure.

"That necklace you've kept under your shirt since Christmas." He watched me touch the pendant under my shirt, right where he said it was. "And you gave him your jersey. You really do love him."

"How did you know about that?"

"You told Jo about it over the phone, and she doesn't know how to shut her door either. I could hear her talking to you from my room."

Ah. I really needed to work on keeping my door closed too. Kissing my boyfriend in peace would be nice.

"I get to be your best man, right? Cause I'll be pissed if you pick Benny or Adam over your own brother."

"You'll have to fight Jo for that one. She's going to want to be my best man. Best woman? Best lady? Maid of honor?" I shook my head. "She's going to want to be whatever the title is."

"Then I'm the flower girl."

"Deal." I glanced back over at him, smiling. "People might think you're a five-year-old girl with how small you are and how long your hair is. You really need a haircut."

He grimaced. "I'm not that short." He chose to ignore the comment about his hair because he knew I was right.

"Jo is taller than you."

"I haven't had my growth spurt yet. I'm going to laugh when I'm taller than you."

"Never going to happen."

He got so frustrated that he started the game. I couldn't help but laugh. What a drama queen.

○Cas○

Another week was almost over, and I was back in my own room, in my own bed. I had to admit, it wasn't as comfortable as Dean's. Adam walked through the door after dinner with his mom and looked surprised to see me.

"Cas. Hey. I, uh, didn't think you'd be here tonight."

"This is my dorm too, Adam." I laid back into my pillows with one hand resting on my forehead. "But I'm glad you're so thrilled to see me."

I heard him moving things, almost like he was searching for something, but I kept my eyes closed.

"It's not that. You've just been spending a lot of time over at Dean's. I haven't seen much of you lately, just at lunch."

"Sorry. I'm usually spending time with Dean after wrestling practice to study or just to hang out, and we always lose track of time. It just makes more sense to stay there rather than wake you up coming back over here."

"I don't need an explanation, Cas; I was just making a statement. Besides, the quiet is kinda nice." He must have found whatever he was looking for because the shuffling stopped. "Why are you here, though?"

"Dean had a wrestling meet tonight. There was no point for me to be over there. At least I won't have to get up early tomorrow to come get dressed over here."

"Wait, you do that? When?"

"You're always running," I answered. Every time I came to change into my uniform or out of it in the afternoons, Adam was either running or was at swim practice.

"Why don't you just keep clothes over at Dean's? It would be a lot easier."

"That's, um..." I didn't know how to put it. _A big step_? _Kinda serious_? _Pushing things onto Dean that he might not wan_ t? Well, that last one might not be true. After all, want Dean the one who wanted me to move in with him? Sure, he'd been talking out of his ass from exhaustion, but it seemed like he meant it. _You should just move in here. You're here all the time anyways._

"Did he really say that?"

Oh, yeah. I forgot about Adam's annoying power that he'd started abusing with me months ago. Dean told me he only did that with his closest friends, just Dean and Benny. That made it seem like I should be grateful for Adam intruding my thoughts all the time. "Yeah, he did. But I'm sure he didn't know what he was saying."

"Do you want to move in with him?"

"I don't know." I rubbed my temples from my budding headache. "Maybe."

"Then go talk to him about it. He is back, right?" I nodded. _He should be_. "Then go. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Don't ask. I'm sure there's plenty to go wrong." But Adam was right. If I wanted to live with Dean, I had to say something to him. It's not like he could read my mind.

Adam smiled at that.

°°°

"Dean?"

It took him a minute to open the door for me. "Why didn't you just come in? You didn't lose your key, did you?"

"No, I just- You know, it doesn't matter. I wanted to talk."

"Oh no," he said, letting me in and going straight to his bed. "That doesn't sound good. What's wrong?"

The wheels were already spinning in his head, trying to figure out why I suddenly needed to talk this late. It looked like he was panicking.

"Nothing." He didn't seem convinced. I took his hands, chuckling a little. "Seriously, Dean. Nothing is wrong. What? Did you think I came over here to break up with you?" Judging by... well, everything, he did. I moved one hand to caress his cheek, are least earning a smile. "That's not going to happen: I couldn't ever do that. I love you too much."

When my hand fell back to his, he started speaking. "Sorry, Cas. My mind kinda ran away from me. It's just that we haven't really talked today, and you've been stuck in your head thinking recently." He looked down at our hands sheepishly. I knew he wasn't putting blame on me, even if that's how it sounded. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

It was my turn to become bashful. "Um... Well, I've just been, uh- I've been thinking about something you said and-" I shook my head. _I'm being stupid._ "Nevermind, Dean. It's nothing."

I tried to get up, but Dean kept ahold of my hands. "Wait. Tell me what's going on in your head."

Giving in, I settled back onto his bed. "It's just that- When we came back from break, you told me that you wanted me to move in with you," I said that quieter and quieter until I wasn't sure if he heard the last part of my sentence. "I didn't know if you meant that or if you were just tired and started talking."

Dean tipped my head up with his thumb so I would look him in the eye. "I absolutely did. And if this is your way of asking to live with me, I would love that."

I couldn't fight the smile that appeared, yet it soon was washed away by a sudden thought. "Hold on. Are we even allowed to do this?"

"Fuck the rules, Cas. Who's going to stop us?"

"Well, a lot of people could." Seeing the look on his face sent a wave of guilt through me. "But who cares? I need to live a little." His own words being echoed back to him lit up his face. And you know what? Fuck the rules.


	34. Disasters & Dreams

●Dean●

It took Cas two days to get settled into my dorm as he only brought half his things and already had a lot of that here. Nothing really changed between us, only that the uncertainty of whether I would wake up with Cas in my arms completely vanished. That was a guarantee now. And with my eighteenth birthday rapidly approaching, everything was perfect. Well, almost. The only problem was the nightmares. They came out of nowhere, resembling the one a few weeks ago as well as old ones of my mother. I dreamed about terrible storms and death, mostly me but sometimes Cas too. My lungs would be filled with water once again or I would be strangled by an invisible force or I would simply be writhing in unspeakable pain. Things became even worse when I would have to watch Cas go through that suffering. I would wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air and just hoping I wouldn't wake Cas. He didn't need to worry about me. And lucky for me, Cas was a heavy sleeper and stayed unconscious each time I broke free from the seemingly endless torture. It felt wrong to keep this from him, but they were just nightmares. If it meant losing some sleep for Cas's peace of mind, it was well worth it.

•••

Cas let me sleep in _way_ too long on Thursday. It was almost eleven when I finally woke up. He didn't let me freak out like I would have done to him, like I _have_ done, before explaining that we didn't have school. "I wouldn't expect school tomorrow either," he told me with a wink, his eyes seemingly shining a brighter blue than normal.

I didn't even move my head from the pillow I'd claimed. "You had everything to do with this." It wasn't a question.

"Happy birthday," he said instead, which was practically an admission of guilt since my birthday wasn't for another two days.

"You know, I was fine with going to school today and tomorrow. My birthday is on Saturday, so I got that off already."

" _I_ didn't want to go to school though. Think of this as an early present."

I smiled, wrapping my arm around my pillow. "Speaking of presents... Are you waiting to give me mine?"

"Who said I was getting you anything?" I watched him change out of his t-shirt and into a white sweater that went well with the dark jeans he'd already put on. "Enjoying yourself?" Cas asked with a raised eyebrow.

"It's a wonderful view."

He scoffed at that but still came over and sat beside me. The slight dip in the mattress was one that I'd grown accustomed to. I smiled at the fact that Cas and I had grown so close. He touched my face lightly, brushing my hair to the side.

"Why are you dressed?" I asked him, then I realized how weird it sounded. "Sorry, that's not what I meant."

"I'm picking up lunch." I started to ask where, but he knew it was coming. "Chinese takeout from down the street."

I started to get up, but Cas shook his head at me. "I'll go with you," I almost pleaded. "I don't want you going alone."

"It's okay, really." He touched my face once again. "It's a short walk, and it'll be nice to clear my head in the cold air. I-" He quickly pressed his lips together before resuming. "I have a lot on my mind."

"Okay. Just be careful."

"I will." He kissed me on the forehead and slipped out of the room, shrugging on a coat. I didn't fail to notice the way his smile disintegrated the moment he thought I couldn't see. Nothing made my heart break quite like that distressed frown or knowing that something was eating him up and there was nothing I could do.

•••

"Fucking Tadashi."

I looked up at Cas, startled. When Cas told me that he'd never watched Big Hero 6, this wasn't the reaction I was expecting to Callaghan's story. He hadn't said a word the whole time until that.

"Uh?"

"Tadashi. He ran in that building to save Callaghan, and he didn't even deserve to be saved. Look at everything he's doing."

That surprised me. How could he think that after learning about Abigail? "But it was out of grief. He lost his daughter."

"That makes it okay? He's allowed to do whatever he wants because he lost someone? He's allowed to destroy other people's lives? His revenge put innocent people in danger; it killed Tadashi."

"What are you saying?"

He turned back to the screen, biting his lip. "I don't know. I just don't think Callaghan deserves some special treatment. Lots of people get hurt, lose people they love, and they don't do the things he did. Tadashi and Hiro and Aunt Cass... They all deserved more than this."

"Are you sure everything is okay?"

He smiled, almost sadly. "I'm just overthinking the movie. Sorry. Just ignore me."

Cas focused back to the movie, seemingly already forgetting about everything. I, on the other hand, didn't think his words were going too leave me anytime soon.

•••

"Are you awake?" I whispered. It was pitch black and well past ten, the time Cas said he was going to sleep.

I felt him roll over beside me. "Yeah."

"Okay. Good. We should go to prom together." I realized that wasn't how I wanted that to come out.

Cas was quiet for a while before a yawn broke the silence. "Really? Is that how you're asking me? What happened to the big promposal you promised me?"

I shifted uncomfortably. "I never said that. But I was just making sure you wanted to go. If you want, your big proposal will come later," I added.

"Actually I think there's someone I want to ask."

I smiled. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah. They're very attractive and smart and play the piccolo. Really just amazing." He moved closer to me, burying his face in my chest.

"Is it me?"

"You?" I felt the vibrations of his muffled voice by my collarbone, which was an odd sensation. "No, I'm asking Jo."

I started laughing. "I think her boyfriend might have a problem with that."

"And what about my boyfriend?" He was enjoying teasing me.

I decided to be honest. "He might get a little jealous too."

Cas hummed into my chest, sending another wave of vibrations through my skin. "Well, in that case..." He nodded, which I thought was the end of our conversation, but he turned his head so his next words would come out clear. "I would love to go to prom with you."

○Cas○

It was almost three in the morning when I heard Dean the first time. He made a noise that could only be described as anguish as his body temperature plummeted. I wasn't sure if the noise or the sudden cold woke me up, but I was awake nonetheless. I had almost fallen back to sleep when Dean made the sound again. He was having a nightmare, and like other nights in which his dreams were filled with terror, I had no idea how to proceed. Waking him seemed like the best idea, yet he would probably stay awake for the rest of the day. If he didn't sleep now, he wasn't going to sleep for another twenty hours. Dean has pulled all-nighters to study, but I didn't want him doing it now. His birthday was the next day; he would want to be well rested to face his family and whatever their plans were. So once again, I let his dreams continue, just hoping it was the right thing to do.

I couldn't sleep for hours after that, as I told myself that if one more whimper came out of Dean's mouth, I would wake him. While that never happened, he did start talking in his sleep. From that alone, I got a decent picture of what all was going on in his mind.

I caught him mumbling my name and portions of my name, along with mentions of the rain and his father, John not Bobby. But the part that sent a chill down my spine was when he breathed out a single word: _unstable_. This was also followed by my name, a connection that made me go cold. And not just me. I felt the whole room drop in temperature, something I didn't mean to do.

Uneasy, I lifted my hand a few inches above me and warmed up the air. Dean's nightmare had drained his body of its usual fiery heat, and he happily curled into me. Despite his pounding heart, which I could feel as his body pressed into mine, he never made any noise that would suggest his dreams had been interrupted by nightmares. Just like that, everything was back to normal.

°°°

It wasn't my intention to start anything, but then again, the road to hell was paved with good intentions. All I did was kiss Dean after I got out of the shower and finished getting ready to head to bed. It was Dean who pulled me back in, parting my lips before backing away with a smirk.

"Did you use my toothpaste?"

_Yes, I did. I ran out two days ago and have been using yours. This is the first time you've noticed_. But all I said was, "Maybe."

Dean shook his head in a way that wasn't upset or annoyed at all. No matter what he would say afterwards. His eager kiss also lent itself to the _not annoyed_ side.

I felt his tongue run along my lips, almost begging for entrance. Then every ounce of exhaustion I felt before that melted away. Suddenly, I was wide awake. Minute after minute of our moment passed as the moment itself got more and more heated. And between my ability to control the temperature and Dean's body heat... Well, the room got considerably warmer too.

Right up until Dean started tugging at the waistband off my sweatpants. I felt my stomach drop and with it, the temperature. Everything hit me all at once: how fast Dean and I were moving, how far Dean intended on this going, how close we were and how close we were to dozens of other boys from our school. I felt guilty about it the second it crossed my mind, but I couldn't help but wonder if this was all Dean wanted. I mean, we had only been together for a few months, and here he was, wanting to have sex. Maybe that's all this was. Maybe Dean was just humoring me all this time when we talked about the future and how we felt about each other.

_No. That's impossible. I'm just overreacting._

Dean pulled away the moment he felt the icy air. I think I stiffened up in his arms too, but I wasn't so sure.

"Is everything okay, Cas?" He only had to look at me to see that it wasn't. "Oh God. I'm so sorry."

"I'm just- I'm not ready for... that," I drifted off, looking away from Dean.

"It's perfectly fine. I don't know what I was thinking; I should've made sure it was okay before I went any further. I'm sorry, Cas."

I nodded, trying to get my heart to settle so I could hear myself think. "It's fine, Dean. I'm tired. Just- Goodnight."

With that, I laid down so my back was facing Dean, almost so far from him that I was off the bed. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with Dean, just not there, at that moment. I felt like we needed to wait for a time when my mind wasn't a mess with figuring out my problem with my powers. Besides, who even knew what would happen with my powers so out of whack? I didn't want to accidently electrocute him while we were...

I could feel Dean watching me, but I didn't turn around, not even when I heard his breathing even out into a peaceful sleep.

●Dean●

_What the hell did_ _I_ _just do?_

•••

For the hundredth time that day, I glanced at Cas from across the room, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. He barely talked to new all morning, only wishing me a happy birthday. I tried to bring up what happened the night before, but he shot me down each time. And when we got to my house around noon, he disappeared to talk to everyone but me. Right now, he was taking to Benny. They seemed to be having a good time, except Benny kept shooting me confused looks. _Me too, pal._

Finally, I caved. "Hey, can I talk to you?"

Jo dragged her eyes up to my face. "What's up?"

"In private, Jo. Please."

Her expression changed from her usual goofy grin, and she told Zayn that she had to go for a while. "Okay, what's going on?" she asked when we got to her room. It looked the same as ever: from the light grey walls to the unmade bed to the clothes hanging out of her hamper. It was comforting, in a way. "Is this about Cas and why he's been so weird all day?"

So, I told her. Everything. From the dreams of my mother and Cas to what happened last night. She stayed quiet for a long time afterwards, not having said a word since I began.

"Okay," she said slowly. "I have a few questions." I nodded, telling her to go on. "First, the dreams. Explain what you meant by _recurring nightmares_."

"They started years ago. I would have nightmares about my mother dying for weeks around the anniversary of her death. Well, I say that like they stopped. But I started dreaming about Cas dying this year too. I thought they ended until a week or so ago. I- I dreamed that Cas was dying like Mary did, but _I_ was the one who started the fire. It was like... like I couldn't control myself. I knew what was happening, but I couldn't make myself stop. And then I had to watch him slowly die." I looked down at my hands, neatly folded in my lap where I sat cross-legged on my sister's bed. They were shaking. "I've been having those nightmares all week, Jo, and I'm scared. I don't want to think I could become like _him_." She knew what I meant, despite my lack of elaboration. I didn't have to say that I didn't want to become John: untrusted, unloved, unwelcomed by his family, unable to control himself or his powers. _Unstable._ "I'm terrified."

"Where does Cas come into this?"

"I love him, Jo; I don't want him getting hurt because of me."

She seemed to regret the words before they even passed her lips. "So, your idea of not hurting him is to have sex with him?"

"I wasn't thinking last night." Her face screamed _Obviously._ "What am I supposed to do?"

"About Cas? Just give him some time and space. Let him think everything through. As for your other problem? Wait and see if those dreams mean anything. If so, you might want to think about distance for yourself. And Cas. If there's really something wrong, you need to tell Mom and Dad so we can figure this out together."

"Please," I begged, "don't say anything to anyone. Not yet."

"If you say so. But I hope you know what you're doing."

_Me too._

•••

Cas walked into our room, kicking off his shoes and going straight to the shower without a word. Just like the rest of the day. When he came out, fully dressed, I moved to him. "Cas, please talk to me. This silence is driving me up a wall. I don't know if this is about last night or something else, but I can't know unless you tell me. I hate spending the day without talking to you."

He swallowed, hugging his arms to his chest. "I just don't know what to say to you. I don't know why last night is bothering me so much, but it is. You were so ready to take this a step further, but I'm not. It just feels like we're in two different frames of mind now."

Hesitantly, I touched his face. "Nothing changed between us: we're still on the same side here. I'm still Dean, and you're still Cas. I get it that you're not ready, and I respect that. I completely understand. Honestly, I don't even know if I'm ready." I moved to rub the back of my neck uncomfortably. "I guess I just got caught up in the moment last night. But if you can, I'd like to just go back to the way we were before. I don't like this tension and not being able to talk to you. So if you're ready, whenever that may be, I'll be here for you in any way."

I ducked my head and went to the bathroom, but Cas grabbed my wrist, a panicked look on his face. "You're making it sound like we're breaking up. We're not, are we?"

I saw a flash of blue out of my peripheral vision, which I ignored. "No, Cas. We're not breaking up. I was just saying that-"

I never got a chance to finish as Cas's lips crashed into my own. It wasn't until a few moments later that I realized he was crying. Tears dripped onto my face, stinging so much worse than his silence today.

"I don't want anything to change between us."

I ran my thumb under his eye, wiping away some of his tears. "Then it won't."


	35. Outbursts & Outrage

○Cas○

Calculus wasn't helping me think. Or, I guess, it wasn't helping me _stop_ thinking. That's what I really wanted to do: I just wanted to stop the chaos that was going on in my head. It was all a blur of Dean and everything that Benny told me on Saturday. Dean knew there was something wrong with me; he knew that I was hiding something from him. Benny said that Dean was worried about me, but I was starting to wonder if he should be worrying about himself. Lately, I was noticing how little control I had over my powers. I'd accidently shocked myself or other people a dozen times, blaming it on static electricity. I caught breezes ruffling my hair everywhere I went, no matter if I was inside or out. The temperature fluctuated with my heartbeat, rising and falling beyond my will. It didn't take a genius to realize what was happening to me. Dean knew it, he had to. I heard him in his sleep a few nights ago, one word followed by my name. _Unstable._ We both knew what was going on, yet we were trying to ignore it. Dean was doing better than I was.

Mrs. Lance finished whatever she was saying as the bells dismissed us to our next class, dragging me from my thoughts. In a murky fog, I started to my locker so I could exchange my calculus textbook for my copy of _Twelfth Night._ As I did, my fingers sparked with electricity that danced from one fingertip to another. I started shaking.

_No, no, no._

_No!_ _Not_ _now!_

_I_ _can't_ _do_ _this right now, not at school. Please, please stop this. Please just wait until no one will see. Go away; I'm begging you._

I tried to calm my rapid pulse so the voltage stretched across my hand would disappear. Not to my surprise, the lightning was persistent. So I shoved my hands into my pockets and went into the bathroom to wait it out. _Maybe_ _I_ _could get this under control and go back to class._ Yet that seemed like wishful thinking, even in my own head.

I went into one of the stalls and sat on the floor, cradling my glowing hand in my lap. There was no one else in the bathroom, which I was very glad to realize once hot, angry tears began rolling down my cheeks.

_This is so unfair! Why can't_ _I_ _get a break? Why can't_ _I_ _just be happy without something coming along and fucking everything up for me? I was over everything in middle school. I moved on from Levi. I made a new life. I was so happy! Why did this have to happen to me? Why does Dean have to be hurt in the process? I know he's going to blame himself once he finds out, despite there being nothing for him to do about it. And what about after he finds out? What happens to him after I get sent away or whatever happens to_ paratas _who become unstable_ _? Dean told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me that life wouldn't be worth living without me. He told me that he couldn't even imagine being with anyone else. This is going to tear him apart!_

My tears turned into ugly sobbing that echoed off the tiled room. _Of_ _all_ _the people to be my collateral damage, why does it have to be Dean?_ _I'd_ _rather suffer through this alone than to see him hurt because of me. I love him so much. It's killing both of us._

Everything caught up to me all at once, and I felt bile rising in my throat. I only had a chance to register the fact that my lightning had vanished before I was kneeling over the toilet, so thankful I chose to cry in the bathroom. Once I was positive I had nothing left in my stomach to throw up, I made my way down to the nurse's office at the front of the school so I could go home. I was only a little embarrassed that I had to go to Ellen to do so. Because it was second block, she was teaching her medical assisting class, the only one she teaches in addition to being the school nurse. Mrs. Jones, the secretary, called her down from her room before sending me through the hall to the office. It only took Ellen a minute to get to me, telling me to go home the second she saw me. She didn't ask why I'd been crying, just saying that she would take care of excusing me from my classes before she went back to her room.

I didn't care about being excused: I just wanted to leave. I let my body take over for me as I walked home, my mind, for once, going numb and blocking out everything. Before I knew it, I was laying in bed with blankets wrapped around me, my uniform still as it was. The last things I comprehended before falling asleep were a flash of lightning and my phone vibrating in my back pocket.

●Dean●

"Cas isn't answering my texts," I mumbled at lunch, my leg propped up on Cas's empty chair. I ran my pendant back and forth on the chain without really thinking. "Have any of you seen him lately?"

"Dean," Benny repeated, "Cas wasn't in English. We don't know where he is."

"Maybe he just needs some space," Jo said gently.

I snapped at her. "For the last time, we're fine."

Meg scoffed, Benny shooting her a warning look that she couldn't see from the way she was tucked under his arm. "It sure sounds like everything is fine."

"Go to hell, Meg."

Her eyes shot up to me. She was fuming. "Listen, you asshole. I didn't do anything. It's not my fault that you scared off your delicate little flower. It's not my fault that he's ignoring you. Hell, I'd be ignoring you too after this weekend. Oh, here's a novel concept: the next time you're horny, maybe you should think about someone other than yourself because none of this would be happening if you did." She pursed her lips, not breaking eye contact. "And I'd say go to hell, but you're pretty close already, and it's fun to watch Mr. Perfect so miserable."

I ignored her for the most part, only focusing on one thing she said. I turned to my sister. " _You told them?_ " I couldn't believe her. "I told you _not_ to say anything, Jo! To anyone." I stood up, hearing my voice rise as I did. "You wanted to know why I never told you about Mary? This is why! I can't trust you, Jo. This is none of their damn business. None of it."

"Dean." I glared at Adam, who had stayed quiet through everything. He was always the rational one out of all of us. "Your hands."

I looked down at my closed fists to find flames engulfing them and licking up my sleeves. That's also when I realized how quiet the cafeteria was: everyone was watching me. Clenching my jaw, I put out the fire and left to finish the period in the commons in the main building.

As soon as the double doors slammed behind me, I got a text. Not from the person I'd been hoping for, though.

**From Jo:**

**I didn't tell them anything about... you know. I promised that would stay between us and** **I** **meant it**

**From Jo:**  
**I'm really sorry Dean**

I just shoved my phone back into my pocket.

•••

After the longest day ever, I pushed open the door to my room to find Cas asleep. The air was humid and heavy with a metallic scent, just like a lightning storm. I sat on the edge of the bed and pushed the hair off Cas's forehead, where it was plastered with sweat. His face was pale, and he was shivering despite all the blankets and the layer of sweat.

He was sick.

All of my panic was washed away, right in time for new worries to set in. _How long has he been here by himself? When did he leave school? Is he okay or is it something serious? Should_ _I_ _wake him and ask? Should_ _I-_

"Dean." Cas's voice was rough and low from sleep, the way he always sounded after naps. "What are you doing home?"

"School's over," I told him, brushing his hair aside again. "Are you alright? Do you need anything?"

"I'm good. I think I slept it off." He yawned. "I'm going to go shower." I noticed how red and puffy his eyes were, but didn't call him out on it. Judging by how he looked, he had a rough day. I just let him go without a word.

•••

Wherever I was looked familiar, almost like I'd been there before, yet all the decor had changed. I was with the Novaks, eating dinner as they talked about college. Their voices sounded far away, as if they were speaking in a tunnel.

"Are you coming back to California, Cas?" asked one of the twins. I couldn't focus on either of their faces long enough to decide if it was Ezekiel or Gadreel. Each time I tried, my vision blurred until I looked away. I gave up eventually.

Cas spoke, drawing my attention tip him. Something was off about him, yet I couldn't quite decide what. There was a dullness to him that made me sad each time I met his eyes. "No, I'm staying with Dean." He looked at me, his eyes still vacant. They almost passed right through me. "I can't come back here and leave him. I won't abandon him like that."

Michael leaned towards Cas, chin resting on his folded hands. "Do you really still think he wants you around? Castiel, you're pathetic to think you can have any type of love. You don't deserve it."

That didn't sound like something Michael would say. I glanced from Cas to Michael, realizing it was Lucius who had spoken after all. As I blinked, the eldest Novak flickered into Luce's chair before disappearing again. And then Cas was crying. He took off into the next room, me following right behind.

A hot rage was filling my chest, and I almost went after Cas's brother instead. He didn't have a right to talk to Cas like that, and anyone who made Cas cry deserved, at least, a black eye. However, I let my anger bubble as I continued to follow my boyfriend.

"Dean." Luce placed his hand on my shoulder to stop me, but I threw him off, pushing him to the floor in the process. I felt the heat before I recognized what it meant. Once I did, it was too late. Flames were crawling up Luce's body, only for me to watch as he blinked out of sight with Anna replacing him. Now she was the one being engulfed in fire.

"Dean," she whispered, no hint of pain poisoning her gentle voice. And then she started screaming.

•••

I don't know how long I sat in my empty bed, the echoes of Anna's screams being reverberated in my head. Cas had left after school to visit his family, and all I wanted to do after my nap was talk to him. Yet, even if he was here, I couldn't say anything to him. How could I tell him that I just watched his sister die in one of my nightmares? That I killed her?

I rubbed circles into my temples, hoping to massage away my headache. Maybe it was best that Cas wasn't here. After all, it was just a dream, and Cas didn't need to worry about me or Anna if he didn't have to.

Worrying wasn't getting _me_ anywhere either.

Her screaming hadn't faded from my mind yet, so I decided to try to drown it out with music. For my birthday, Cas had made me a mixtape that he'd given me before we went to sleep that night. It was comprised of love songs he said reminded him of me and some of his favorites from the genres we each listened to. There were classic songs like Elvis's _Can't Help Falling_ _In_ _Love_ and The Beatles' _Something_ ; newer love songs like _All of Me_ by John Legend, _Thinking Out Loud_ by Ed Sheeran, and _Burning_ _Bridges_ by OneRepublic (the acoustic, he assured me); random songs from various musicals because Cas is a dork; and the songs he deemed worthy of the playlist from artists such as Imagine Dragons, All Time Low, Aerosmith, and the Eagles. He'd put all of this on a cassette tape for my car with a folded up letter in the front of the case telling a little about why he picked every song and his favorite lyrics from each. Then, to make everything even better, he downloaded the whole thing onto both my laptop and my phone. I still wasn't sure how I missed that since he did it multiple days before he gave me the tape. Really, it was the sweetest thing ever.

So I unraveled my earbuds and hit shuffle on my phone, letting Imagine Dragons lull me back to sleep with _Every Night._ A bit ironic since this was the one night Cas wasn't coming home. Knowing Cas had me in mind while picking these songs made him feel a little closer, though.

○Cas○

The air had felt heavy all night when I got to Claydon, but no one else seemed to notice. Everyone was coexisting perfectly for the night, possibly just for Mom.

She had called me a few days prior, hoping to get the whole family together this weekend before school got into full swing and no one had time to visit. Even if she hadn't called, I was coming to pick up Dean's present for Valentine's Day that I had specialty ordered from one of the local businesses around Christmas. Nevertheless, Mom had managed to gather every Novak under the same roof one last time before summer break. Everything was going surprisingly well, too. I think that's why I was so on edge: this family never got along that well. There was always some kind of fight that left a bitter mood surrounding us for the rest of the day.

That's why it didn't surprise me when my brothers started arguing at dinner.

"I can't just uproot my life, Lucius," Michael was saying. "I'm starting a family in Finston; I have a job that I can't abandon. Coming to Claydon for the summer is out of the question."

Luce glared at him over his plate. "Weren't you the one who was criticizing me for staying in Glen Rock?"

"You don't have a reason to," Michael said coolly. "We have two completely different circumstances."

" _I don't have a reason?_ Just because I'm not getting married doesn't mean I don't have a life away from this house."

"You and Gabriel have a responsibility to this family to be here when you can."

Everyone was starting to get uncomfortable, but no one said anything to stop the conversation. Hearing my two older brothers fight wasn't anything new to any of us. It was best to let them work out their problems on their own without interfering.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Luce asked. "Gabe and I have to be _you_ because you decided that it was okay to leave this family whenever you felt like it. Because this family can't function without you." He actually laughed at that. "And what about Cas? Does he not have a _responsibility to the family_?"

"Cas isn't going anywhere."

That is when I'd had enough. Micheal wasn't going to dictate my life. "And why not? What if I want to stay in Glen Rock too?" I actually hadn't thought about summer break yet. I really didn't know if I even _wanted_ to stay there, but I couldn't have my brother telling me how I should live my life.

"You're too young for that."

" _Too young?_ I'm an adult! I'm going to be in college next year, just like you. Don't act so high and mighty, Michael."

"Castiel," Dad warned, "that's enough. Your brother is right: you're coming home after school ends. If that's where you want to go to college, that's fine, but you have to come back for summer."

My response was an incredulous laugh. "Why?"

"Because," Michael interjected, "that's what you were told, and you're still a child. A new boyfriend is no reason to abandon your family."

"Is that not what you're doing? Let's face it, age has nothing to do with this. It's the fact that I have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. That's always been your problem with me, right? Because I'm gay and don't fit in with this perfect picture of what you think our family should be. Well, piss off, Michael."

Both of my parents' heads snapped up. "Watch your mouth, Castiel." Dad's glare was steely, a warning for me not to question his authority.

Unfortunately, that's just what I did. "I've heard worse come out of your own mouth." He started to speak, ready to rip me a new one, no doubt, but Mom placed her hand over his.

"Chuck, please." She sent me a gentle look that asked me to stop as well. But I needed to keep going: I'd held everything in for so long.

I pointed an accusing finger at Michael, his neutral expression never wavering. "I'm tired of you thinking you can order the rest of us around. You have no power, Michael. You're the oldest, not our father, so stop acting like you are." I finally broke through his superiority with my next jab. "Of course, I guess you're just trying to get in some practice, right? For in a few months." His jaw tightened. "Oh, that's right," I said with a faux innocence, resting my chin on my hand, "no one knows that Elizabeth is pregnant."

"What?" Mom breathed.

I didn't move my eyes from my brother. "Go on, tell them how _that's_ the reason why you proposed. Why the wedding is so soon. You don't want her to show too much in her dress, right? You still want everyone to think you're so perfect, but you're not. You might look down on me for being gay, but at least I'm not having a shotgun wedding."

"How-"

"I heard you talking over break. It's really not that hard to put the pieces together."

Even Luce was looking uneasy with the way this night had turned. "Cas, I think you've made your point."

But I didn't. "The next time you want to judge me or anyone else in this family, maybe you should take a long look at your own choices." I turned back to my parents. "I'm staying in Glen Rock, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Dad raised his eyebrows. "Oh yes, there is. As long as you live under my roof, you will do as I say."

"I'm not, though! That's my whole point." My entire family was doing its best to push every one of my buttons tonight. "I don't want to live under your roof!"

"Then good luck paying for college because I won't." I wanted to point out that I had a full ride to Glen Rock that I'd already accepted, but he didn't stop talking long enough. "You'll be begging to come home, but I won't allow it. If you choose to not come home when we say, you might as well not come home at all."

"You're kicking me out?"

"Chuck," my mom whispered, "don't you think this is-"

"I can't kick you out if you don't live here now."

"Chuck!" She looked at me. "Cas, please don't-"

But I was already standing up. I glanced at each of my family member's faces, reading each of their expressions: sad, confused, exhausted, frightened. None of them matched my fury. I just wanted to spend the summer with Dean. Or did I just want to spite Michael? Was I just cut out of my family because I wanted to stick it to my brother?

I heard the floorboards creak behind me, telling me that someone was following me out of the room. "Go away," I told them. "I'm leaving and not coming back."

"Cassie, wait."

Despite Anna's request, I kept going to my room. I still had some things upstairs that I couldn't leave without. She saw that I had no intention of stopping, so she ran in front of me and tried to block the stairs. I just pushed her out of the way. Once I came out of my room with my things, I found Anna trying to stop me again. She wouldn't let me get near the stairs.

"Move."

"Not until you promise to stay and talk through everything. I don't want you leaving, Cas."

"Move," I repeated.

"Make me." So I did. I slapped my hand in front of her, hitting her with a gust of wind that knocked her out of the way.

And into the wall.

And down the stairs.

I... I didn't mean to hit her that hard, just enough for her to move. It was an accident. I couldn't control myself.

That burning hatred dissolved into fear and self-loathing. My family reached the bottom of the steps as I did, having heard Anna fall.

"Anna, I-" I didn't know what to say to her. No apology would ever make it up to her. I saw that her head was bleeding from hitting one of the stairs and bruises were already starting to form on her delicate skin.

I tried to reach for her, maybe to comfort her, but Gabe intercepted me. "You need to go." He was always on my side no matter what, so for him to tell me that... I wasn't welcome anymore. That broke my heart more than anything.

°°°

I was surprised to find Dean awake when I got back home- my only home now. He was laying in bed, listening to music, and staring up at the ceiling. He looked exhausted.

"I didn't know you were coming back tonight," Dean said with a smile.

I tried to match his expression. "I didn't either." I sat with him, kicking off my shoes. "There was a big argument with my family."

I let Dean pull me down so I was laying with him. "I'm sorry," he hummed, letting his fingers drift through my hair in a comforting way. "Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head. "Okay. We'll talk about something else then." He paused, seemingly questioning himself. "How's Anna? Is she okay?"

"Why do you ask?" How could he possibly know? Did Gabe tell him while I was traveling?

"I just haven't seen her since Christmas. A lot can change in a month or two. I was only wondering how she was doing."

Dean was telling the truth; he was, honestly, just curious about my sister. That eased part of my mind. "Good. She's doing good."

I could only hope that that was true.


	36. Breaks & Battles

●Dean●

It'd been a few days since Cas visited his family, and he had yet to talk about the fight that he mentioned that night. Whatever happened was eating him up, but he wouldn't talk to me. I asked him about it, only to have him quickly change the subject. Gabe wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts either. Something big had happened with the Novaks; no one was filling me in, though. I tried to tell myself that Cas would come to me eventually, but as the days passed, that seemed less and less likely. All he was doing was staring off into space and not speaking for hours. I tried my best to bring him out of whatever darkness he was in, but I was at a loss.

It didn't help that I had been on edge lately too. I decided to tell Cas about my dreams, then he came back from Claydon upset by something so bad, he would start crying in his sleep. I didn't want to add on to whatever stress he was under, so I kept my problems to myself.

Unfortunately, my problems were growing and growing as every dream turned into a nightmare. Each night, I watched myself murder Cas in every way possible: strangling him, setting him on fire, drowning him. It seemed like, if I was sleeping, I was dreaming of the boy I loved dying by my own hands. Needless to say, I wasn't sleeping much.

I felt like both Cas and I needed a distraction. That's why, when our four month anniversary rolled around, I proposed taking a trip. Cas had told me plenty of times that he wanted to visit _debilis_ Washington D.C. and spend the day at the Smithsonian. He wanted to go to the science museum, and I wanted to go to the history one. I planned on taking him Sunday so we could make an entire day out of it, but Cas shot the idea down.

"The Valentine's dance is the day before, and you have a meet that night."

I'd actually forgotten about wrestling, but I wasn't too concerned about it. We could always come back early, or I could just not worry about the meet. Cas was much more important to me than wrestling.

When I suggested both options, Cas told me no, _maybe some other time_ , and changed the topic, something he was getting good at doing. I decided to let the idea go, but not being able to forget the sudden awareness of how closed off Cas was becoming. I had to stop this, whatever was pushing us apart.

It took me almost a week to get anything out of him.

•••

Everything was tense on Saturday before the dance. Cas and I went to dinner with Benny, Meg, Jo, Zayn, Charlie, and Dorothy, but it wasn't a great idea. I still wasn't really talking to my sister or Meg; Dorothy seemed overall pissed off; Cas stayed silent throughout the whole meal. And to make matters worse, our waitress asked if Charlie was my girlfriend since she was sitting across from me, then started flirting with me before I could say anything about Cas. That only made Cas press his lips into a thin line and not respond when I tried to talk to him.

Benny leaned over to me at one point when our table wasn't as uncomfortable and actually talking. "What the hell is going on?"

"Honestly, I have no clue." I looked at Cas out of the corner of my eye. "He hasn't been talking to me recently. There's something going on with him."

He must have heard me, which only could be expected with our quiet table that was already walking on eggshells. Cas slammed down his fork so hard that it crashed into his other silverware with a metallic _cling_ and shook the rest of the table. He didn't say anything and walked away.

Everyone looked at me, but I ignored them and went after Cas. I caught up to him as he went outside, leaning on the side of the building and crossing his arms. He only glared at me for a while.

"There's something wrong with me," he finally sneered.

_Oh, God. He misheard me._ "No, Cas. I said that there was something going on with you, which there is. I just want you to talk to me. Cas, I love you, and it's killing me to watch you bottle up whatever happened with your family. I hate this distance between us." That statement seemed to bring Cas out of his anger, his face melting into a image of contentment and neutrality.

He let out a puff of air that materialized in the February cold. "I just-" Cas started crying.

I pulled him into my embrace, completely shocked. "What happened?" I finally brought myself to ask.

"I don't know if I can go back home."

_What?_

"I don't think my family wants me back."

"Don't be ridiculous, Cas. Your family wants you to go home." He shook his head. "Why not?"

"I told my parents that I wanted to spend the summer here, with you," he hiccuped. "My dad told me that I either come home after school or-" Cas broke off, obviously wanting say more. He never did, though it didn't take much for me to piece everything together. _Either you come home when we say or you_ _don't_ _come back._

I didn't like the feeling that was bubbling in my chest. On one hand, I loved that Cas didn't want to leave Glen Rock- or me. But on the other, I hated that trouble was being caused in his family because of me. I'd already lost my family, or my birth family I should say; I didn't want Cas to lose his too. "Then just go home, Cas. If this is about me, I won't care how far apart we are. Besides, it's just for a few months. I don't want you ruining your relationships with your family for me." He only started crying more. "Unless there's something more going on."

Cas was sobbing so much, his shoulders were shaking as he gasped for air. He tried to stutter something out, but I hushed him. I could see how much it was hurting him to talk about this. And as much as I wanted to know what happened, Cas came first.

"Hey, it's okay. You can tell me when you're ready. We'll figure it out, okay? Everything is going to work out." I held onto him even tighter, not willing to let him go like that. "And just so you know, you'll always have a home with me."

I wasn't sure if that helped or made it worse because he cried even harder. But we stayed like that until Cas wanted to go inside: Cas sobbing into my chest and me holding him like his anchor to the world, glaring at anyone who tried to bother us or look at us in disgust. I couldn't care less about them; I just wanted my boyfriend to have a moment of peace, or as much as he could get in that state.

The crying seemed to help. Cas was okay after that, not back to normal, but okay. He could paint on a smile and fake it for the rest of dinner all too well. It made me wonder how much practice he'd had at that.

•••

After the fourth time that Cas told me to stop hovering over him, he told me to go away. It wasn't really in a mean way, more of an _I want you to have a good time and stop worrying about me_ or a _let me think without you breathing down my neck_ way. So while it was probably the last thing I wanted to do, I left him alone for a while. If his goal was for me to not worry, he failed spectacularly. All I could do was think about Cas.

And it seemed like I wasn't the only one either.

Jo slid beside me at one of the tables, her velvet dress making a soft scratching noise against the bench. "Hey, could we talk?"

"What is it?" I sighed. I wasn't really in the mood for this.

"Two things, then I'll leave you alone." I waited for her to go on, and when she realized I wasn't going to respond, she did. "First of all, I want to explain about the other day. I only told Meg what happened with you and Cas because she saw you guys at your party. She asked what was going on with you two, and I told her because I wanted her opinion. Meg has gotten to know Cas pretty well since they've gone to quite a few wrestling meets together. I didn't think she would say anything, though. I swear, Dean," she rested her hand on mine, "that's all that happened. I didn't tell anyone else, and I never told anyone about your powers. You have to believe me."

"I do, Jo. Really, it's okay."

"Okay, good. Good. Now, um, do you know what's going on with Cas?"

I raised my hand helplessly, half pointing to Cas, half shrugging. "Does it look like I know what's wrong?"

"Well, I'm worried about him." _Me too._ "Did you hear about Wednesday?"

"He got sick." Jo shook her head. "No?"

"Not from what I heard. People were talking about it, and it sounded like his lightning was acting up. More than a little spark too."

"Yeah, _he was sick_ ," I repeated. "You and I both know that powers are hard to control when you're sick." But I couldn't help but think of the morning after my mom healed his scar. It looked like bolts of lightning were streaking up Cas's arm. I didn't put much thought into it then, but I knew he didn't want me seeing whatever was going on.

"It could be something else, though. Do you think he's happy? I know his powers work off of his emotions a lot. Maybe he's stressed out or upset. And I hate to say this, but maybe he didn't want to be with you. He could be so distant from you for a reason."

"No, that's not it." _It can't be. He just told me that he wanted to stay with me for the summer. But what if he only wants to be somewhere_ _other_ _than Claydon? What if_ _I_ _didn't have anything to do with that decision? Maybe Jo is right, and_ _Cas_ _has been trying to figure out how to break up with me all this time. His head could be a storm of emotions that's showing itself through his powers._ _That could be why_ _he's_ _been_ _so_ _jumpy_ _about_ _them._

"I hope it's not." She licked her lips. "I don't see it going well if you two break up."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just... Both of your hearts are going to be broken no matter what if that happens. I can only see you two together. A future where you're not doesn't seem right." Jo didn't look at me as she stood. "I hope I'm wrong, Dean. Please, work things out."

•••

"Care to join me?" I held out a hand, waiting for Cas to take it.

He looked up from his phone, his deep blue eyes showing through his dark lashes. "Join you?"

"Yes. For a dance." He set down his phone, obviously interested. "And maybe a walk; it's beautiful outside."

Cas smiled softly and let me lead him into a slow dance. I didn't bring up what Jo had mentioned while we danced. I was too busy enjoying the way the smile never left his face. How could I think he was unhappy? There was still something going on with him, but for the moment, he seemed to relax. I let us both have that peace before I started questioning Cas, hoping I could lay my worries to rest tonight.

Like I was expecting, Cas followed me outside eagerly, probably glad to be out of the hot cafeteria. We walked side-by-side, yet not close enough to be touching. The distance, no matter how short, was killing me. By the time we wandered passed the fine arts building in complete silence, my resolve had vanished.

"Castiel, talk to me!" I'd stopped walking, and once I spoke, my boyfriend was several steps ahead of me.

He looked completely startled. "What?"

"Please." My voice cracked: I was on the verge of tears. "I don't know what's going on with you, and you won't talk to me. I understand that you don't want to talk about what happened, but we haven't had an actual conversation in forever. I'm so worried because I can't tell if things are okay with us. Things aren't great, but I don't even know if you're still happy with me. You're so closed off, and I don't know why. You're supposed to trust me, Cas." A deep breath. "I'm having nightmares again; I keep losing you, and it feels like I'm losing you here too. I want to wake up with some consolation that you're still going to be there beside me." The truth was just rushing out of me, which was only fair considering I wanted the truth from him. "I'm so afraid of what could happen with us if something doesn't change. I don't want to lose you, but it feels like you don't care anymore. All I need is to know that you still care, Cas."

"Dean, I love you." He said that like that was the end to the conversation, but it didn't even sound like he convinced himself. This relationship needed more than a few empty words that weren't backed up by any of his recent actions.

"Is that all you're going to say?"

Cas parted his lips before pressing them together again, not speaking again. I sighed, which he tried to ignore by kissing me, but I pushed him away. "No. I need you to talk to me, not kiss me." I waited for him to say something, but he stayed quiet. Shaking my head in frustration, I pushed past him, walking towards the dorms.

"Where are you going?"

"My room." It took everything in me to keep going, but I did. "When you're ready to talk, you know where to find me."

Cas attempted to muffle the sounds of his crying, but I could still hear him. It broke my heart, yet I didn't break stride. Things had to change. I couldn't go on with Cas's secret pushing a wedge between us. When he was ready to talk, I would be there. Until then...

I wiped away the tears pooling in my eyes.

○Cas○

_He_ _didn't_ _tell me_ _that_ _he loved me._

Dean's words echoed in my head as he walked away: _I need you to talk to me, not kiss me._

I wanted to run after Dean. I wanted to tell him everything and apologize then kiss him until I couldn't remember my own name. I wanted to say something that would make him come back.

But I didn't.

All I did was cover my mouth, hoping Dean wouldn't hear me crying. I stayed where I was until he was out of sight and accidental raindrops started hitting my face. They did a good job of masking the tears, but they did nothing to cover the lightning that started pulsing up and down my arms, easily seen through my wet dress shirt. I dropped to my knees after moving a few feet, finally settling onto my butt and crying until there were no tears left in me. At that point, the storm was almost out of gusto as well. Fitting.

Finally, I made it back to the cafeteria: rain soaked through my clothes, tears burning my eyes, the flowers inside bowing their petals in pity as I passed, and my arms glowing blue. Suddenly, I didn't care about my peers' opinions as I gathered my things and went back to my old dorm. It was obvious that Dean didn't want to see me right now; I wouldn't even know what to say.

It would be best for us both to sleep on this and to talk tomorrow. I hoped.

°°°

"Cas?" Adam asked, his voice confused and groggy from sleep.

"Yeah. Do you mind if I crash here tonight?"

"It's technically still your room." I heard him roll over, facing the wall I saw after a moment. "What's with the light?"

I grabbed the blanket that was still folded at the end of my bed to cover my arms. "Sorry. My phone," I lied. "I'm, uh, going to go change."

He gave me a mumbled response, which I took as an _okay_. I quickly dried myself off and changed into warm, thick clothes with a black hoodie that would hide any lightning that continued throughout the night. I rubbed my arms, shocking myself while doing so.

I thought Adam would be asleep, but he spoke as soon as I settled into my old bed. "Trouble in paradise, huh?" I couldn't help it; I started bawling again. "Shit, Cas. I'm sorry. Do you want to-"

"No."

"Yeah, okay. Just, if you do..." Adam drifted off, not knowing how to finish that sentence. I knew what he was saying. Unfortunately, I didn't really care at the moment. Dean was the only one I wanted to talk to.

I hugged my glowing arms to my stomach, letting silent tears fall with the steady drizzle of rain outside.

°°°

I didn't like the quiet. Without Dean's noisy morning routine filling the air, I felt empty. It wasn't until that moment that I realized how eerily silent my old room was.

Adam had left an hour or two ago, not telling me where he was going or what he was doing. It's not that he owed me an explanation, I didn't even care, but it surprised me. I didn't owe him anything either, yet I told him that I was going to get some breakfast and try to talk to Dean. I, of course, had yet to do that.

My phone vibrated: Adam asking how things were going. So I lied. I said that Dean and I were going to meet up later to work things out and that I was still eating. For whatever reason, I didn't want Adam knowing that I couldn't face the world quite yet.

**From Adam:**  
**I'm** **going to** **be** **out for a little longer then make sure you see** **Dean** **sometime today**

I rolled my eyes. _Thanks_ _for_ _reminding_ _me;_ _I_ _completely forgot._ Putting my phone back on the nightstand, I went into the bathroom to take a quick shower, hoping to wash away the previous night. But when I was dressed and ready to leave the dorm, multiple voices stopped me.

"-not here, but we should make this quick," Adam was saying. "What were you two wanting to tell me?"

"It's not so much that we want to tell you something.... We really wanted to ask you something." Was that _Charli_ e?

"It's about Cas." My jaw dropped. Kevin?

"I figured." His voice moved further in the room, so I was now struggling to hear him. "But I don't know why you're asking me about him; I don't really see him other than lunch."

"He's your roommate," Kevin pointed out.

"Only technically. He lives with Dean now, has for a while. He's the one you should be asking." Adam stopped. "Why _aren't_ you going to Dean?"

"We don't think he'll listen." That was Charlie. She sounded more concerned than Kevin, like she was worried about me rather than annoyed. "That or he won't know. He doesn't seem to see it."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Jo was telling me about how Dean brushed her off last night when she brought it up. I get it, but I don't know how I can help."

Everything was muffled, and it took me a while to make out what they were saying.

"-that we aren't crazy. Kevin and I are just worried and don't know what to do."

"Have you talked to him?" I took their silence as a _no_ , possibly them shaking their heads. "Ah. I can understand why."

"We're afraid of him, really. I didn't know that he was this powerful, so for him to be losing control... Charlie, don't look at me like that." I could only hope she was taking up for me through her expression, if not verbally. "We all know what's going on with him. You saw him last night with the storm. With his freaking lightning coming out of his arms!" He started whispering, almost like he could sense that someone was listening in on their conversation. I had to strain my ears to follow with what they were saying. "This has been going on since we met him: that first day of school, he lost control of his powers twice in one block. Then with Meg a few weeks ago." I clenched my jaw. Meg couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut. "She said it wasn't this bad, but that only means he's getting worse."

"That day he left school," Adam thought aloud.

"Exactly." Charlie's sadness in that single word didn't ease the anger budding in my chest, white hot and dangerous.

Kevin launched back into his theatrics, obviously enjoying himself. "He's like a broken Tesla coil: full of all of this lightning that is going to be released in some way that we can't predict or counteract. Someone is going to get hurt in the process. He's showing all of the signs."

"Emotional trauma," Adam started listing off.

"Levi," Charlie agreed, almost like they were going through a checklist. _Scars from being bullied? Check. (Even though those were newly removed.) An emotionally abusive ex? Check. A bad breakup? Check. A terrible reunion with those who hurt me? Check._

"Fidgeting, mind wandering easily, emotional outbursts, deterioration of control over powers." Kevin sounded like he was reading off a diagnosis. He was, though. There were just a few symptoms left and the name to what he was condemning me with. But he'd get to it. Kevin was always like that, ready to point out problems and stick titles to everything but never being able to name a solution. "And how can we say that he hasn't hurt anyone yet? Maybe himself. I wouldn't put it past him."

I suddenly remembered Anna and the way it sounded as she hit each stair as she fell. My memory moved in slow motion, the few seconds of the actual event spanned to minutes in my mind. Every noise that came from her mouth or from the impact as she hit the wooden flooring. Color erupted in front of my eyes in shades of red, blues, purples, and blacks on Anna's ivory skin. I couldn't help the sound that escaped my own mouth, not being quick enough to silence it. The conversation outside stopped completely.

Adam broke the silence by exhaling, "Well, shit."

"Cas?" Charlie asked hesitantly. "Are you there?" She sounded like she was trying to speak to a ghost, which, in a way, she was.

I pushed open the door to face the people who were supposed to be my friends. Charlie and Adam had the decency to look ashamed. That's why, when they tried to apologize, I used my powers to push them onto Adam's bed. I didn't even have to keep a current of wind going for them to stay put: their own fear did that on its own. Instead, I focused all of my energy on Kevin. I had tears running in tracks down my face and a knot in my stomach, but I turned all of that sadness and anger and pain onto him.

"Say it to my face!"

"There's sonething wrong with you," he replied evenly. "Even you know that." I did, but that didn't mean he was allowed to say it. "We want to help."

"Maybe they do, but you just want to laugh at me," I sneered. "With my lightning and _emotional trauma_. You think this is so funny, don't you? Everything is so perfect with you: your mundane powers and mundane girlfriend. You get to grow old and have these perfectly normal lives while I can't even trust my own thoughts." I took a few steps closer to him. "Oh, Doc, you forgot something: paranoia. I always blamed my anxiety and that paranoia on stress and my past and everything else, but you know what it's from. Right, Kevin? I'm crazy; there's something wrong with me. And you were right that I'd hurt someone. It was my sister. She's nine. You want to know what I did?" I pushed my hands toward him, trapping him against the wall with the air. "This. Except I pushed her down the stairs." I could see the fear in his eyes and feel it radiating off of Charlie and Adam behind me. "You're right; I'm dangerous."

"You _are_ crazy," Kevin spat. I moved until my hand was pressed against his sternum. "You're-"

"Go ahead, say it, Kevin. I'm..."

" _Unstable_."

I smirked at that, just noticing that both arms were surging with electricity. Lightning was coiling around my forearms, hesitating at my wrists as if it was my decision now. It suddenly hit me what I was doing. I was holding Kevin's life in my hands, quite literally. _I could easily kill him right here._

_Kill him._

I dropped my hands, letting him go as new tears sprung to my eyes. "I- I'm so sorry, Kevin. I just- I don't know what happened. Please," I sobbed. I didn't know what I was asking for, but Kevin didn't seem to be willing to listen. "I'm sorry, I don't know how to stop it. I just- just got so mad. And it was Anna and..."

When I looked back at Kevin, he was touching his sternum, glaring at me. "Go to hell, Cas." And then he left.

I turned to the two left. "Please, you can't say anything to anyone. Kevin can't either. I'm trying to fix things, but I need to do it on my own."

"You need help, so I'm not keeping this to myself." Charlie shook her head. "Not after that." Charlie had always been a firey redhead, but _firey_ had always meant _passionate_. I was learning a different meaning of the word, this time, more along the lines of _fury_. She, too, quickly left.

"Adam?" I said pathetically. He just shook his head. He wouldn't even talk to me. Adam didn't leave, though; he waited in a tense silence for me to go. I thought it was best to do that as quickly as possible.

°°°

"Dean?" I knocked on the door again, still getting no response. After everything, I couldn't take that. I'd lost my family and a bulk of my friends; I'd be damned if I was going to lose Dean too.

Getting déjà vu from a night where Dean was the one who was falling apart and not me, I told him that I was coming in with or without his approval. Things had certainly changed since then. _Was that really only three months ago? It feels like a lifetime has passed with Dean. In a good way, of course._ There was no need to pick the lock, a trick Dean had yet to witness, because I still had my key to his dorm.

"I need to-" My explanation fell short as I realized the room was empty. Dean was at his meet; I completely forgot. A second realization hit me, so I pulled out my phone and sent multiple texts.

**To Adam, Charlie, and Kevin:**  
**I can't apologize enough, and I know I shouldn't be asking anything of you, but I need to explain all of this to Dean on my own. He needs to hear it from me. This is all I'm asking. I will do anything you want, just don't tell Dean what happened. Please**

I didn't expect any of them to answer, but Charlie actually responded.

**From Charlie:**  
**If you don't tell him by Wednesday, I will**

**From Charlie:**  
**I will tell him everything, Castiel**

She was giving be three days to talk to Dean, which was a lot more than I deserved.

**To Charlie:**  
**Thank you so much**

She never texted me back. 

It didn't take me long, sitting all alone in Dean's silence dorm, to feel overwhelmed by the fact that I'd truly lost everything. I'd severed all connections to Claydon, even accidently ensuring that my family wouldn't want anything to do with me; I'd lost almost everyone here too. My last relationship was hanging by a thread and was being threatened by people I just turned against me. I didn't know what to do. What would happen if Dean wouldn't forgive me? Where would I go? Who would I be then: a broken, unstable boy with no one left to trust? What would happen if anyone went to the administration or the police? Hell, I didn't know the protocol for unstable _paratas_.

I wouldn't be able to see the people I loved ever again, not that they'd want to. They would all hate me. Dean would hate me. I broke out into a fresh wave of tears, just thinking about a life without him. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to live in a world where Dean no longer loved me, but I couldn't live in one where he hated me.

_What is he going to say when I tell him everything? He is going to hate me. How could he not?_

_I can't tell him then. If my only options are to lose him or lie to him... I can't lose him. I need Dean._ _God, I love him so much it hurts._

_But he doesn't deserve all of this!_ _I'm_ _ruining everyone's lives: my family's, Adam and Charlie's, Kevin's, Dean's. Caring_ _about_ _me is only hurting them. This never_ _would've_ _happened if_ _I_ _just stayed in Claydon. If only_ _I_ _wasn't_ _so weak! Everyone's lives_ _would've_ _gone on_ _without_ _me, and they would be_ _safe_ _._ _I'm_ _so weak and so fucking selfish_ _because_ _I_ _can't_ _bring myself to let him go. I keep telling myself_ _that_ _I'm_ _helping_ _both of us,_ _but_ _am I?_

_I_ _don't_ _want_ _to live in a world_ _where_ _we're not_ _together_ _, though._ _This life_ _isn't_ _perfect,_ _but_ _I have Dean._ _That's_ _all_ _that_ _matters_ _. This is what_ _I_ _want, what_ _Dean_ _wants too._ _I'll_ _tell him_ _when_ _I_ _have everything_ _figured_ _out._

_I can't lose him_ _like_ _this._

I bit my lip so hard I drew blood. The spark of pain and the metallic taste brought me back to reality. It seemed to clear my head. The reprieve from the fog that clouded my mind only lasted a moment, so I took the inside of my cheek between my teeth, clenching them harder until I felt the skin break. I felt dizzy, but it was better than my paranoia and confusion. Anything was better than the anger. The room spun out of control until I lied down and closed my eyes, then it just lurched back and forth like a ship on the ocean. Despite the seasickness I felt, the rocking and the taste in my mouth drowned me in my dreams that were no less of a nightmare than reality.

●Dean●

I heard the wind two doors down. It looked like Cas had let himself into my room and was conjuring a twister in my absence. I hesitated at the door, unsure of what I was going to say to him once I walked in there. Adam had texted me earlier while I was at my meet and told me that something had happened with Cas. He wouldn't tell me what, only that I needed to talk to him. _Well, it's now or never._

I expected the wind to stop when I came into the room, but I quickly realized Cas was asleep. The wind and lightning that I didn't notice before were both a result of the obvious nightmare that Cas was having. He was shaking; I could see that from the opposite side of the room. When I got closer to him, I could see the tracks his tears stained on his face and crescents of blood on his bottom lip. I almost couldn't hear the small whimpers he was letting out of his parted lips.

Any anger or frustrations I felt concerning him could wait until after he was okay. I touched his arm, feeling a shock as my skin touched his. I moved just in time to watch a bolt of lightning hit a spot on the wall, leaving another black burn on the once perfect off-white. The marks were joined by small nicks in the paint where the lightning was powerful enough to chip off parts of the paint and drywall.

"Cas," I said cautiously, shaking his shoulder this time. It took a few minutes and dodged bolts to wake him from his unpleasant sleep. When he opened his eyes, he was mostly confused, looking back and forth between me, his hands, and the spotted room that was glistening with electricity.

He licked his lips quickly as he sat up. I watched him sway a little. "Dean, I- I just wanted to talk, and I got dizzy so- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but I didn't know where to go."

He rambled on for a few minutes before I could even speak. "I don't care that you're here, Cas; I'm glad, actually."

Cas let out a sigh, clearly relieved to hear that I wasn't upset. "I needed to talk to you."

_Finally._ "I know, Adam told me."

I didn't think it was possible for him to pale anymore, yet he did. "Adam- He did? I told him that I wanted to tell you everything."

"Well, he said that we should talk. He really didn't say anything else." Another wave of relief washed over him, and I marveled at how clear his emotions were being displayed on his face. After bottling everything up for so long, he was having troubling holding his facade together. "So, what is going on?"

He hesitated, almost like he was rethinking opening up. "It's Anna."

_That's_ _not where I_ _thought_ _this was_ _going_ _._ "Is she okay?"

"She, uh," Cas started crying again. "She was talking to me, trying stop me after," he sucked in a sharp breath, "after my dad kicked me out."

"He kicked you out?" _So I_ _was_ _right. Still,_ _it_ _was hard imagining Chuck_ _doing_ _that. If one of the Novaks_ _would_ _be kicked out, I'd expect_ _it_ _to_ _be_ _Lucius._

"If I don't go back."

I refrained from telling him to just go home then. "And Anna?"

"She didn't want me to leave." I nodded. "I went up to get my stuff, and..." A strange look crossed his face. "And she fell." He visibly swallowed the lump in his throat that made his voice hitch on the last word. "Down the stairs."

_Oh God._ "You're acting like this was your fault, but it's not. It's not like you pushed her." He slowly nodded. "And she's okay, right?" He nodded again, this time, more unsure. _Was Anna badly hurt or does he not know? He_ _said_ _there was a fight at his house and_ _that_ _his family_ _wouldn't_ _want him back, so maybe he_ _hasn't_ _talked_ _to anyone. He must be afraid that the fight caused trouble_ _with_ _everyone and that he_ _won't_ _get an answer if he did ask._ "Then you have nothing to worry about, Cas. Is this what you've been upset about lately?"

Cas shook his head. "I-" That's as far as he got, though. His fingers twitched and sparks danced around him. One caught my hand, and I jumped. It didn't hurt me being fireproof and all, but it did surprise me. He started crying, yet it was more than the lightning. Cas stuttered out a few more attempted sentences, but each word was punctuated by a sharp inhale as he tried to catch his breath. After a few seconds, he was flushed but was shivering, and his uneven breathing had escalated to full hyperventilation. _Oh_ _shit_ _,_ _he's_ _having a panic attack._

I thought back to the few times Sam had been through this. I knew what seemed to help my brother and had even talked him down from his last panic attack. I could only hope to do the same.

I didn't touch him, not knowing how comfortable he'd be with that. "Hey, I'm just going to talk to you, okay? Take your time answering. I just want you to focus on me and you, right here, if you can. Are you comfortable here? If not, we can go somewhere else." He quickly shook his head, still taking jagged breaths. "Okay, that's fine. Could you try to breathe with me? You'll feel a lot better afterwards."

"Ye- ye- yeah."

I searched my mind for the pattern Sam taught me, then asked Cas to do it with me: in for four seconds, hold for seven, out for eight seconds. He told me it does something with the nervous system and fight or flight reflexes, but I wasn't worried about _how_ it worked at the moment. I just needed it to work. It took a while to get his breathing to a normal state again where he could talk to me. He kept dabbing at his eyes with his sleeves, but fresh tears took their place right after.

"I'm sorry," he sniffed, his voice scratchy. "I'm so pathetic."

"No, you're not," I assured him. "Nothing about you is pathetic. I just watched you go from a full panic to calm in a few minutes. You're so strong and brave."

"I'm not brave. There was no reason for me to be freaking out; nothing was happening."

I wiped away a few of his tears. "Just because the threat was in your head doesn't mean it wasn't real. In fact, things in your mind can be more powerful or more destructive than anything outside your mind. If you can overcome your own head, you can do anything." He gave me a weak smile. "Never forget that."

"Thank you, Dean."

"I'm not going to ask you anything else about what happened, but if you want to talk-"

"I know."

"If you need anything-"

Cas laughed. "I know, Dean. Thank you. For everything." His face fell suddenly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Nothing would be different. You'd just be with someone who doesn't kiss as well as me." That earned a little giggle from Cas, but it didn't make my heart flutter like it usually would. Everything still felt forced. Things still hadn't changed since my birthday, which was weeks ago. It kinda felt like they wouldn't ever change.

His entire demeanor shifted, like a switch was flipped. "You're right; I would miss kissing you." He wrapped his arms around my neck with a seductive smile, completely unaware of the battle going on in my head. "Luckily, I have you right here for me to kiss all the time." And kiss me he did. He put everything in that kiss: all of his frustrations and sadness and anxiety and love and happiness. But there was something _off_ about it. It wasn't that the kiss was bad: it just felt like we were holding back. Or maybe it was just me.

_You_ _should tell him about the dreams and how you keep going unstable in them. He needs to_ _know_ _that this was how John started: dreams that slowly drove him over the edge after Mary died. He needs to know that you're worried about you both._

Cas pulled away before I did, actually surprising me. He leaned his forehead on mine without opening his eyes. I just watched him for a while. "I love you, Dean."

I didn't say it back.

It wasn't that I didn't love him. There just seemed to be a different weight on those words that day, and it felt weird. I wasn't sure where Cas was in his head most of the time, so I wasn't sure where that statement was coming from. I did love Cas, but everything was just too much right now. So I dodged his awaited answer by kissing him again, fully aware of what I was doing.

_You're such a hypocrite._

•••

I couldn't exactly remember why I was so mad, but the hatred was there anyways. It was red hot anger that burned in the back of my throat when I tried to swallow the feeling. It was blinding, the feeling so strong I couldn't focus on anything else except the tingling in my hands. It was fire. Literally. Flames flickered over my palms as I dug my fingernails into the skin there and looked at all the damage I'd caused. I was in the middle of the woods, and fire was spreading quickly in an arc in front of me. Trees had fallen over and, upon inspection, I noticed handprints burned into the bark of the ones not yet consumed by the inferno. It was obvious that I did this.

Coughing from across the area of destruction caught my attention. "Cas!"

He was leaned against one of the felled trees, looking like he was unable to stand. His clothes were burned off in some areas and ripped in others. He was covered in scratches and bruises and, worst of all, blisters and burnt fresh. Wrapped around his neck were clear handprints that were branded deep into his skin. The flames around my hands extinguished themselves, almost in shame.

Cas lifted his head when he felt my presence, stopping my heart and my feet in their tracks. The burns stretched up his face, joined by a bloody, white eye. He was blind.

I knelt down, asking what I already had an answer to, "What happened, Cas?"

" _You_ happened! Why did you do this, Dean? Everyone was right: I shouldn't have gotten to know you. They told me all about your father and how you would turn out just like him. I believed in you, Dean. I thought you were different. I thought you were strong. But you're not." He let out a deep, raspy cough. I didn't miss how his hand was covered in blood when he pulled it away. "I wish I never met you."

I reached out and held on to his shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"I would be if you would've just left me alone all those months ago. _I hate you_." More coughs, this time, ended by Cas spitting up blood beside him. He opened his mouth again, but his eyes rolled back into his head, and he slumped down.

"Cas? Cas? No. Please no. Wake up, Cas. Come on." I couldn't find a pulse, but he was still breathing. Those breaths were shallow and way too far apart, though. I lifted him into my arms and tried to find the end of the woods, yet there didn't seem to be one. I just had to get him to my mom; she could help him. "Hang in there, Cas. Stay with me." I looked down, but his chest wasn't rising or falling and he wasn't moving. "Cas!" I knelt down so I could check on him. "Cas, please don't do this. You can hang on a little longer. Come on, yell at me some more. I know you have more fight in you, so fight. Damn it, fight, Castiel." I didn't know what to do. Cas just laid limply in my arms, not breathing. This was my fault; Cas said it himself. The last thing he said was that he hated me. I pressed a kiss to his temple not covered in seared flesh as I cried over Cas's body. This was my fault.

•••

I didn't want to open my eyes for a long time, just in case my nightmare was more than just that. After a few minutes, I braved a look at the other side of my bed and sighed a breath of relief when I saw Cas. He was sleeping peacefully, something that hadn't happened in a while. I couldn't even bring myself to smile at that because I kept seeing Cas bloody and burnt in front of me.

I carefully got out of bed and slipped into the hallway to think. The long stretch of carpet was a good area to pace while I cleared my head.

_That dream was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was so real, from the fire touching my skin to the heat of the woods to the metallic scent of blood. But it was more than that. It was almost as if I was reliving a vivid memory. At the same time as it felt like a lapse into the past, it also felt like a glance into the future. A warning. It was saying that this can happen if I'm not careful. Or maybe that it will happen._

_I can't let it play out, though. I can't stand by, knowing that Cas is going to get hurt because of me. No, that he's going to die. I need to make sure this never happens to Cas. I have to protect him. I'll do whatever it takes to keep him safe, even if it means my own happiness or my own safety._

After considering everything for another fifteen minutes, I went back into my room with a heavy heart but a clear mind. I sat on the side of my bed, running my fingers through Cas's hair. A smile was resting on his face that broke my heart.

_This is for you, for both of you._

_You know that you aren't good for him. One day, at some point, you are going to lose control and hurt him. Even if Cas doesn't die at your hands like the dream, you put him in danger every day just by being with him. It wouldn't take much to activate your powers in your sleep and burn him in the middle of the night. Nothing could stop a bud of fire that grew a little too much. You had all of these feelings before about your family, and you had to distance yourself from them; that was the only way everyone was all safe. Maybe it's time to do the same with Cas._

I couldn't stand the idea of Cas being in that much danger because of me. I glanced at Cas, who was still sleeping. This was going to kill me, but it had to be done. I had to protect Cas at all costs. I loved him too much to do anything else.

I didn't sleep for the rest of the night.


	37. Decisions & Denial

○Cas○

I woke up in an empty bed in a silent room. Dean's dorm was putting me on edge without all the noise that always filled the air. It seemed like life was holding its breath lately, and I was starting to get dizzy. Yet all the tension in my thoughts dissipated when I heard the shower turn on in the bathroom. _That's where Dean is._

I used the brief moment to get out his Valentine's Day present, the one I'd hidden in my closet the day I came back from California. The holiday wasn't until the next day, but I wanted to hide it somewhere close for that morning. I settled on sliding the small box behind the alarm clock, under a few papers that Dean had yet to fill out for his yearbook. He kept saying that he'd get to it, but those papers had been sitting on the nightstand since, at least, October. Dean wasn't going to be moving them anytime soon, so it was safe to leave the small box there. I caught myself smiling, something that didn't happen nearly as much as it used to. It was nice to think about something other than my powers and all the trouble I'd caused.

Dean came out of the bathroom fully dressed, startling when he saw me. It was like he didn't expect to see me in his bed. Or maybe it was just that he was surprised to see me happy.

"Good morning," I chirped. He only mumbled in reply. "Is everything okay?"

He gave me a tight smile, nodding. I didn't really believe him, but I let it go for now. Getting up and meeting him at the foot of the bed, I kissed him.

Dean pulled away, not even bothering to mask his expression that was full of shame and disappointment. I could only hope that not _all_ of that was directed at me. "I need to get to English early today to finish a test. I'll see you after school."

He didn't give me time to question it; he left me alone in his room with just my thoughts and the dripping of the sink where he didn't fully turn the water off. I moved to stop the noise before getting dressed, only wondering what was going through Dean's mind.

Turns out, I didn't have to wait long to find out.

After each of my texts being left on read and receiving the silent treatment throughout lunch and orchestra, Dean finally talked to me after school. He'd stayed back to help London practice one of our songs without so much as looking at me when the bell rang. A full half hour later brought him through the door. I was sitting on the bed with my legs crossed, staring at nothing and just kind of waiting. I was waiting for Dean, yes, but also something more. For a clearing of the fog in my head that wasn't caused by teeth opening wounds in my mouth and fingernails digging into my wrist. For the ringing in my ears to stop. For some switch to flip in the universe that would save me from myself, that would save everyone. So far, all that had come was Dean.

"You're avoiding me," I said, not phrasing it as a question or moving my eyes from a scorched mark on the wall.

"Cas, I'm-" I abruptly looked at him, telling him not to lie to me. "Sorry," he finished.

My gaze travelled quickly from object to object around the room, finally settling on my hands. "Just tell me why. Did anyone say anything to you?" My fingers twitched with electricity as I thought of Charlie or Adam or Kevin, even Meg, talking to Dean about what was going on with me. It wasn't their place. Dean couldn't have known what I was thinking, but he saw the lightning and knew enough.

"No, this isn't about anyone else. It's, um, it's about us. And I really don't know how to say this." _No_. Every thought froze around that one word: _no_. I'd heard those words a thousand times in books and movies and my own nightmares. They were just as bad as _We need_ _to_ _talk_ or _It's not you; it's me._ I couldn't get my thoughts to move, much less my mouth. So, I just listened in horror as he continued. "Listen, I like you, but I just don't think this is working out. I mean, we both were trying to move on from other relationships, and this one never even had a stable foundation to start with. I just- This had to end after high school anyways, you knew that, right?"

"Why?" I choked out. _Where is this coming from? Everything was fine a few days ago._

"I'm not staying in Glen Rock." _What?_ "I got a scholarship to play football for Northham in Indiana. It's not like I could turn down something like that."

 _But-_ "You never mentioned that."

"Because I didn't want to go through all of this yet." Dean rubbed his hand over his eyes a few times, not looking at me directly. "Even if it was just a senior year fling, it was nice."

Tears were stinging the back of my eyes. "That's all this is?" I couldn't bring myself to talk about our relationship in the past tense.

"It couldn't be anything more, Castiel." All of the air in my body was knocked out of me. I used to love hearing him call me that, but it was just a punch in the gut now. "You know that long distance relationships never work. Besides, it would just be better if we parted ways with no strings attached for college. It's just less to worry about."

I told myself that I wasn't going to cry in front of him. My heart was shattering, and my mind was unraveling, but I wouldn't cry in front of Dean. "But what about- Was any of it real?"

"I don't know. It wasn't what I thought it was." I couldn't breath. What he really wanted to say was clear: _You weren't what_ _I_ _thought you were_. I couldn't listen to this anymore.

I closed my eyes and nodded, "Okay." That made Dean fall silent, almost in hesitation.

"I'll- I'll leave you alone then. You know, to get your things. I have something I need to do, so I won't be back for a while." He started to go, but paused by the door. "I really wish we could still be friends after this, but... we weren't very good at that either. Maybe it's best..." A deep inhale. "Maybe it's best if we kept our distance for a while."

Then he was gone.

The rest of me that was held together broke apart into fractals. I could actually feel my heart shattering, a deep pain radiating from my chest and spreading throughout my body. Everything hit me at once, I'd lost the last person that cared about me, and I crumpled into sobs as thunder shook the building. I couldn't pull myself together to control my powers, so a horrible storm built up as I cried so hard it hurt. I didn't know it was possible to be in this much pain while feeling so numb to the world.

I pinched myself, hoping and praying that I'd wake up with Dean's arms around me and with promises of a shared future still very much real. I didn't feel anything, so I pinched harder and harder until I realized that this nightmare was one I couldn't escape that easily.

●Dean●

I spent the whole day trying to work up the courage to talk to Cas, but I hated what I was about to do. This was better for Cas, though. I had to keep reminding myself that. He would be safe when he was away from me, and he could go back to his family to work everything out. His life would move on without me, as it should.

Still, it felt wrong.

_Don't back out now. This is for Cas. You're doing the right thing._ _Keeping him away from you, breaking up with him, will keep him_ _safer_ _than you ever could._

_Then why do_ _I_ _have such a bad feeling about this?_

I bought myself more time by helping London after school. She caught me watching Cas as he left the band room.

"You don't have to stay, you know. You can go with him."

I shook my head, not ready to face Cas yet. "That's okay. I can stay until you get this."

"Thanks." London ran through the first couple measures of the section we were working on, lightly pressing the buttons on her saxophone and keeping her eyes on the sheet music. "So... what are your plans for tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

She glanced at me, only briefly, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah... Valentine's Day."

"Oh. Yeah, of course." Obviously Valentine's would be tomorrow. That made me feel even more guilty about breaking up with him. "I didn't plan on doing anything tomorrow," I told London truthfully. "I wanted to go to D.C. over the weekend, though." That was also true. That's what I'd been planning for Valentine's since Cas turned the trip down the week before. That wasn't going to happen, though.

"Cas will love that," London said, turning back to the music. _Yes, he would've._ When she started playing again, it was clear that our conversation was over. _Thank God._

It took London twenty minutes to perfect the section and another ten for me to get back to my dorm. Cas had changed out of his uniform and was sitting on my bed like any other day. Yet this wasn't any other day. Just from the way Cas was sitting, I could tell that there was something wrong. Turns out, it was me.

"You're avoiding me."

 _I am._ "Cas, I'm-" _What could I say to make this better._ _I'm_ _dangerous? I'm trying to protect you?_ I settled on "Sorry".

"Just tell me why. Did anyone say anything to you?" Cas was getting nervous. Lightning started flickering down his arms.

"No, this isn't about anyone else. It's, um, it's about us. And I really don't know how to say this." Cas wouldn't look at me, which made this a little easier. It made lying to him a little easier. "Listen, I like you," _I love_ _you,_ "but I just don't think this is working out. I mean, we both were trying to move on from other relationships, and this one never even had a stable foundation to start with. I just-" I pressed my lips together as I searched for a believable excuse. There was just one thing I could say that had even the slightest bit of truth to it. "This had to end after high school anyways, you knew that, right?"

"Why?"

"I'm not staying in Glen Rock. I got a scholarship to play football for Northham in Indiana. It's not like I could turn down something like that." _I was going to._

"You never mentioned that." _Because it never mattered. I never wanted to leave you._

"Because I didn't want to go through all of this yet. Even if it was just a senior year fling, it was nice." I realized I was repeating the same things Blake did when we broke up. I was just like him: claiming that I was going to Glen Rock before going far away, claiming our relationship was just a fling, not caring that I was breaking someone's heart. But that wasn't true. It all sounded so hollow and fake to me, but I could see Cas's heart shattering with each new syllable that came from my mouth. That was the first time I'd thought about Blake for a long time, and I couldn't help but wonder if he had ulterior motives as well when he ended things with me.

"That's all this is?" _We're so much more than that, Cas._

"It couldn't be anything more, Castiel," I lied. "You know that long distance relationships never work. Besides, it would just be better if we parted ways with no strings attached for college. It's just less to worry about."

"But what about- Was any of it real?" _Every bit of it._

"I don't know. It wasn't what I thought it was."

He closed my eyes and nodded, "Okay." He didn't want to accept it, but part of me was glad he did. The other part wanted him to fight back. I couldn't tell if it would've made a difference, though.

"I'll- I'll leave you alone then. You know, to get your things. I have something I need to do, so I won't be back for a while." I didn't have to go anywhere, but I couldnt be around him or I'd take everything back. "I really wish we could still be friends after this, but... we weren't very good at that either. Maybe it's best..." _Come on. This is it_. "Maybe it's best if we kept our distance for a while." I left, not being able to explain my true intentions or motives, not being able to say or do what I wanted. I couldn't ever kiss him or hug him or tell him that I loved him. But I did. I broke up with him because I loved him. Maybe someday I'd be able to tell him that.

Until then, I'd keep my distance like I promised. As much as it killed me.

•••

I wandered around for a while before I found my way to a door. I knocked and waited until it swung open.

"Do you have a minute?"

"You look like shit," Benny said, motioning for me to come in. "What's going on?"

"Cas," I choked out. Then I started crying. Benny was justifiably startled; I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried in front of him, if I'd ever.

He pulled me into a hug, where I soaked his shoulder in tears. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I broke up with him."

Benny pushed me away rather harshly. "You did _what_? Why would you do something so stupid? You love him. Right?"

That sent more tears running down my cheeks. "I love him, Benny. I love him so much."

"Then why-"

" _Because_ _I_ _had to!_ " So I told him everything: the dreams, what happened with John, my own fears, how I came to live with Bobby and Ellen, why I lived in the dorms, and what had just happened with the boy I loved. By the time I was finished, I had stopped crying, but my voice was still rough and shaking.

"You think you're going unstable?" I nodded. "I don't think you are."

"Honestly, Benny, what would you know about it?"

"They're just dreams. Don't you think you're putting too much stock into them?"

I rubbed my hands over ny face. "You don't understand. They're so real, Benny. It feels like there's something wrong with me. I don't know why, but it felt like something bad was going to happen that I couldn't control. I didn't want to hurt Cas like that."

"Aren't you hurting him right now?"

"I'd rather hurt him like this than to hurt him like Mary." That shut him up. Benny had never known how my mother died until today, and learning about it obviously made him uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, Dean. It's just... I can't believe you two aren't dating anymore. Do you think you two will ever get back together?"

"I don't know." If Benny was right about me being fine, and I hoped he was, then there was a chance that Cas and I could get past this. Maybe he'd forgive me for breaking up with him if he knew why I did it.

"Well, do you want to hang out here for a while?" Benny sat on his bed, looking at me worriedly. "Tyler shouldn't be back for a few hours. We could talk some more or watch a movie or play some video games."

"Do you have Mario Kart?"

He laughed. "You're such a child." But he walked to his desk and tossed me a controller to his new Switch. "You're lucky I am too."

I smiled a little, though my face fell when I heard thunder louder than any firework I'd ever heard join the storm that had been steadily building up since I left Cas. I squeezed my eyes shut. _He's_ _going_ _to be okay._

•••

I spent a few hours with Benny in a dull fog. I was torn between wanting to leave and wanting to give Cas his space. He did have a lot of stuff in my room, so he'd need some time.

When I realized it had stopped raining, I put down the controller and walked to the window. The clouds had lightened, and the sky was clear.

"He's okay," I whispered.

"What?"

"The storm is gone. Cas is okay."

Benny nodded. "Are you leaving then?"

I glanced out of the window again. _He's_ _okay._ "Yeah. I should be going. Thanks for everything, Benny."

"No problem. Text me if you need anything, alright?" I nodded, knowing my friend would, literally, be there the second I asked. "And Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sure everything will work out."

I nodded, yet I didn't know how much I believed that. I waited for that voice to tell me _You did the_ _right_ _thing,_ but it never came.

○Cas○

_I have to get out of here. I have to think or stop thinking or maybe I'm doing that now. I need... I need to do something. Maybe_ _I_ _can change his mind. Maybe_ _I_ _can_ _fix_ _all of this. No, no_ _I_ _can't_ _. This_ _isn't_ _even my_ _worst_ _problem. The lightning is hurting._ _It's_ _burning me deep inside my_ _own_ _body._ _It's_ _slowly eating me from the inside out. Or maybe_ _it's_ _just_ _my thoughts, my crazy,_ _unstable_ _thoughts._ _I'm_ _shaking. Of course,_ _I'm_ _shaking. I already_ _can't_ _breathe._

The electricity pulsing through me was stinging, no it was poisoning me. My veins were laced in poison. I dug my fingernails into my arms, trying to distract myself from the burning.

_I'm_ _going insane._

I picked up my phone, wanting to call Dean, wanting him to come back and help me.

_He_ _doesn't_ _care about you anymore._

_Yes, he does._

_If he does,_ _he_ _wouldn't_ _have left you. He hates you. Someone told him all about your dirty little secret. They told him about Anna. They_ _told_ _him_ _about Kevin. He was probably the one that told him._

_I_ _should've_ _killed him when_ _I_ _had the chance._

I grabbed my head, just wanting everything to stop. A scream came out of my mouth without my permission, being covered up by a deafening boom of thunder. I couldn't take the constant pain, the voices, the understanding that something was deeply wrong with me. It's a virus or a disease.

_There's_ _no disease. This is all me. This is my head. These are my thoughts._ I'm _the disease. No one_ _wants_ _to be_ _around_ _a disease. They do everything_ _they_ _can so they don't catch it. And when_ _they_ _figure out how to,_ _they_ _kill_ _it._

_They kill_ _it_ _._

They kill it.

I had to kill this parasite inside me.

_There's_ _no parasite. I am the parasite._ _I've_ _been using these people who thought of me as a_ _friend_ _as a host._ _I've_ _been draining them. I have to stop. I have to save them from me._

There had to be a way.

_There is._

I searched for a pen and notebook and started writing to Dean, wanting to explain everything while I still could think. I had to fight through my own consciousness, but I got down all the words I needed. I let out a sigh before a stabbing pain hit the back of my neck. Black spots covered my vision, making me sway, yet I stayed on my feet.

_I just need to_ _think_ _. I need to go somewhere that_ _I_ _can't_ _hurt anyone._

So I left, not even putting on a hoodie to cover up my glowing arms. It wasn't a pleasant walk in the storm of my own creation or a short one for that matter. But I got where I needed to go eventually. Despite the ground being wet and muddy, I sat down at the edge of the lake. I took off my socks and shoes and put my feet in the water. It was freezing. I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to mess with the weather or the temperature, yet I couldn't stop myself from letting a few snowflakes fall, just over the lake, as I remembered the last time I was here. The frozen flakes melted on my face and joined my tears in streams running down my cheeks as I watched them fall.

" _Amazing,_ " I whispered. Another stab in my chest caused me to let the snowflakes return to rain. I pushed away that day: the skating, the snow, the feeling of Dean's lips on mine for the first time, Dean asking me to be his boyfriend, Dean calling me and everything I did _amazing_.

My fingernails found their way into my skin again until the thoughts disappeared, leaving me emptier than I'd ever felt.

For a while, I just looked out onto the lake, watching the rain hit the surface and ripple out in wide circles. It was mesmerizing. Enough that I could stop thinking for a while. Eventually, though, I found myself pulling my phone out of my pocket and dialling a familiar number.

_"Cas?"_

"Hey, Gabriel," I answered, suddenly questioning what I was doing.

_"Why_ _haven't_ _you_ _been_ _answering_ _me?_ _I've_ _texted_ _and called you a thousand times."_ He did? _"_ _What's_ _going on with you?"_

I tried to hold back my tears, to no avail. "I don't know! There's something wrong with me."

_"_ _There's_ _nothing wrong with you. Where_ _are_ _you? In your room?"_

"I took a walk."

_"In this weather? Jeez, Cas._ _You're_ _going_ _to get sick. Get back to the dorms, and_ _I'll_ _come see you."_

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see me. "Not right now. I just... Is Anna okay?"

_"Anna? Yes,_ _she's_ _fine. She has been this whole time._ _That's_ _what_ _I've_ _been trying to_ _tell_ _you."_

"Good. That's all I wanted to know. I'm so sorry, Gabe. I never meant to do any of this, but I don't know how to stop myself. I didn't, anyway. I found a solution, the only one."

_"_ _What_ _are you_ _talking_ _about?"_

"I need to go. I love you, okay? I love all of you. Even Michael and Lucius. Please tell them that. Tell them that I love them and that I'm sorry."

_"Why_ _don't_ _you tell them yourself?"_

"My phone is going to die, and I only have time for one more thing."

_"What?"_

"I really need to go. Just- Thank you for seeing the best in me, Gabe. Even if I couldn't live up to your expectations. You're the best big brother I could ask for. Goodbye."

_"Wait, Cas-"_

I hung up, needing to type out two more texts. I knew Michael wouldn't get his until after his classes, which he had into the afternoon, but I had to talk to him.

**To Michael:**  
**I'm** **sorry for everything I** **said** **before. I hope you and** **Liz** **will be happy. I** **always** **liked her. I** **wish** **I** **could've** **seen the wedding. I wish** **I** **could've** **seen my niece or nephew. I love all three of you more than I can express.**

The next one was something I'd been dreading for months, pushing it off for all that time. I'd run away from this problem for too long; I had no more track to run on, though.

**To Gracelyn:**  
**I forgive you and Levi for everything**

Then, I typed one final thing that I didn't plan to write. Yet I never hit send, simply leaving it ready in my messages.

**To Dean:**  
**I** **will** **always** **love you**  
**Until** **the** **very end**

I shut off my phone and slipped it into one of my shoes with my necklace. I stood up and took a few steps into the lake, marvelling at how quiet my mind was. I wasn't in pain, I wasn't thinking, I didn't see a single bolt of lightning. I wondered, briefly, how long I could hold my breath. I'd never really tried. Hopefully, it wouldn't be very long. I wanted to keep this peace as long as I could. I didn't want my mind to start up again. I was waist deep in the water before I dove further down.

_Dean_ _wouldn't_ _want this._

_He_ _doesn't_ _care. None of them_ _do_ _._

_There's_ _another_ _way_ _._

_No. There_ _isn't_ _._

Turns out, I couldn't hold my breath for very long after all. Already, my lungs were burning.

_Stop this. Get out_ _of_ _the_ _water_ _. Come on, fight._

_Why?_ _There's_ _nothing_ _left_ _to_ _fight for._ _It's_ _over_ _._


	38. It All Changes

●Dean●

The letter was the first thing I saw when I walked in my room. It was folded in half on my football jersey, sitting like it was perfectly normal. It was anything but normal, though: the bright white contrasted with the red of the jersey that stuck out on its own against the white comforter, just like the silence contrasted with the normal liveliness of the room. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I picked up the paper. My hands were shaking even before I read it, and I was afraid that I'd set it on fire. _He gave me back my jersey. I don't want it;_ _I_ _want Cas._

My eyes scanned over the words, only catching a few as my pulse sped up. I couldn't hear anything over the hammering of my own heart. I went back to the beginning, reading the letter to make sure I was wrong. Then I reread it, hoping the words would rearrange themselves to change true meaning. They still said the same thing, though.

_Dean,_  
_First, an explanation. None of this is your fault, and I know that you're going to blame yourself for everything. You really did nothing wrong. I don't blame you for following your heart, even if it led away from me. I really just want you to be happy. Please don't take responsibility for what I'm going to do because there's nothing you could've done to stop me. There's something wrong with me, Dean. Like really wrong. There's this itch in the back of my mind that I'm trying not to scratch because something bad is going to happen when I do. But it's still there. It's covering up any other part of my life with its presence. I can't focus on school or you or me or anything else. It's just that fucking itch. And it wouldn't be too bad if the itch wasn't wanting me to hurt people. Dean, I hurt Anna. She didn't fall down those stairs. I pushed her. I used my powers and they went too far and I couldn't control myself and I hurt her. I hurt my own sister. I yelled at my dad and maybe ruined Michael's marriage and hurt my sister. And then I almost killed Kevin. I had him pinned against the wall, ready to put enough lightning through his chest to stop his heart. I just barely pulled away. I don't know how to stop myself! I can't control my powers or my thoughts or my own body. This was one of my friends and my sister. I could've easily done the same to you, to put you in serious danger. And what if I couldn't stop? What if I killed you? I couldn't live with myself with your blood on my hands. I have to stop myself before that can happen._  
     _Because despite everything, I love you. I love you more than I love myself. Dean, I hate this person_ _I've_ _become._ _I'm_ _broken, dangerous, unstable._ _That's_ _why_ _I'm_ _doing_ _this. I hate myself. I have for years. As much as_ _I'd_ _like_ _to think_ _I've_ _moved on_ _from_ _my past, it changed me more than_ _I_ _realized_ _. I_ _wish_ _you_ _could've_ _met me back then, before the_ _people_ _I loved_ _killed_ _me_ _. I_ _wish_ _I could say that, at one point,_ _you_ _loved_ _me_ _rather than this_ _empty_ _, corrupted version of me. If you think about it,_ _I'm_ _just getting rid of a_ _virus_ _or parasite, just a body._ _I've_ _been gone for so long._  
_But could I ask you something? I just have one request. One dying wish, I guess. Will you tell my parents what_ _happened_ _? They deserve to know, but I_ _can't_ _face them._ _I'm_ _too weak._ _I'm_ _not_ _as strong as you are. Oh, and Benny's birthday present is in  ̶m̶y̶ ̶c̶l̶o̶s̶e̶t̶. Sorry, your closet. I'd really like him to have it, and I'd like to give your jersey back to you. I know_ _it's_ _something really_ _important_ _to you, and_ _I_ _was_ _lucky_ _to have it._ _But_ _I_ _think you should have it when you go to Northham._ _I'm_ _really_ _proud_ _of you. I hope_ _you_ _love_ _it there._  
     _And if_ _it's_ _my last_ _time_ _to say it,_ _these_ _last few months have made my empty life so much_ _better_ _. I_ _wish_ _my_ _darkness_ _wouldn't_ _have_ _caught_ _up to me. I_ _wish_ _things could've been different. I wish my own mind_ _wouldn't_ _have_ _crumbled_ _around_ _me_ _, burying me deeper_ _and_ _deeper like a_ _snowstorm_ _. But_ _I_ _guess_ _it's_ _fitting that we end in snow when we_ _started_ _there too. I truly love you,_ _Dean_ _. My feelings_ _for_ _you_ _are the only_ _part_ _of_ _me that_ _I_ _can still trust. I hope_ _you'll_ _remember me before_ _I_ _lost_ _all_ _control, before I_ _became_ _unstable_ _. I_ _hope_ _you_ _won't_ _think of me the way you think_ _of_ _your father. I_ _hope_ _you_ _don't_ _hate me. I hope you_ _won't_ _hate_ _me after_ _I'm_ _gone either._ _But_ _if_ _you_ _do,_ _I_ _understand. I hope you understand as well._  
_Goodbye_ _, Dean._

_Cas_

I hugged my jersey to my chest, letting the paper flutter onto my bed, not holding back my choking sobs. I quickly called Cas, hoping to stop him from doing something stupid. After the third time I got his voicemail, I called Jo. Before she answered, I caught a glimpse of the small flower pot sitting in the windowsill. It was the fire lily Cas grew for me on Christmas.

It was wilted.

I thought about what Cas said about my mom's necklace and the flower inside. _All of the flowers I make have extremely long lifespans too because they're connected to me in a way. As long as I'm alive and I want them alive, they_ _will be._

Does that mean-?

_"Dean?"_

I let out a stuttered breath. "It's Cas," I croaked, not being able to hide the tears in my voice.

_"I know. Benny texted me and told me what happened."_

"No, Jo. He's gone."

_"I mean, he wouldn't want to stay in your room after you broke up with him. I don't-"_

" _Jo,_ Cas is _gone_ _._ He- He left me a note, and... He's not answering his phone. I'm really worried, Jo. I'm coming home. I don't know what to do." As much as I never wanted to look at that paper again, I took it with me and started running home. I could still hear my sister on the phone, even though I didn't have it pressed to my ear. I didn't know what she was saying, but I hung up after a few minutes, trying to call Cas again, praying that I was wrong.

_Come on, Castiel. You love proving me wrong, so do it just this once. I'm begging you. Prove me wrong, and_ _I'll_ _do anything you want. I'll never leave you again. Just don't leave me._

_"You have reached the voicemail of-"_

I called him again and again until I reached my house. The trip took less time than I expected, probably because I sprinted across town in a terrified burst of adrenaline. People must have thought I was crazy: running with tears going down my face, a phone in one hand that was pressed to my ear, a folded piece of paper in the other hand.

Dad answered the door before I stepped in the yard. "What happened?"

I was out of breath, so I just handed him the slightly crumpled paper. As he read it, my phone rang. I answered it without looking. "Cas?"

_"No, Dean. It's Gabriel. I think something bad is going to happen."_

"I think something already did."

•••

After texting Gabe my address, I launched into an explanation of what happened. Mom was already on the phone with the police when I got inside, having called as soon as Jo went downstairs and filled them in on what she knew. She was giving a description of Cas, then she looked to me for what he was last seen wearing.

"Uh... A black T- shirt that had Led Zepplin's logo on it." That was my shirt, actually. "Light grey sweatpants. I don't know if he put on a hoodie." My marching band hoodie that he liked to wear was still folded on my desk, so he didn't take that one. "If he did, it was either grey or black."

Mom repeated what I said as I continued talking to Dad and Jo. Dad was looking over the letter again, most likely getting caught on the same phrases I couldn't get out of my head.

_There's something wrong with me, Dean. I hurt Anna. I had him pinned against the wall, ready to put enough lightning through his chest to stop his heart. I couldn't live with myself with your blood on my hands. I hate myself. I wish you could've met me back then, before the people I loved killed me. If you think about it, I'm just getting rid of a virus or parasite, just a body. I hope you won't think of me the way you think of your father._

It was that ending that got to me the most. _I hope you won't think of me the way you think of your father._ Cas might be... and he wanted to make sure I didn't hate him. I couldn't ever hate him.

Mom finally got off the phone, saying someone was coming to talk to us and the police were searching for Cas. She didn't sound optimistic. After all, he was alone for hours before I found the note.

Gabe interrupted our heavy silence, demanding information and giving some of his own.

"I just talked to him maybe half an hour or forty-five minutes ago. He sounded stressed but fine. Then Michael gets a text from Cas during class that he waited _half an hour to read_ that said he was sorry and that he wished he could see his wedding and meet his niece or nephew." I frowned, which he waved away, saying, "Liz is pregnant." He saw the paper my dad was still clutching. "What is that?" He snatched it out of his hands, reading it. Finally, he turned to me grabbing my shirt and pulling me down to his eye level. "What did you do to my brother?"

"I- I broke up with him. But I-"

"It's your fault my baby brother is dead!" It wasn't a question; it was an accusation. "I'm going to fucking kill you."

Dad pushed us apart, placing his large hand on Gabe's small shoulder until he sat on the sofa. "You don't know what happened, Gabriel. Cas could be okay."

"Why did you break up with Cas?" Sam asked quietly from the doorway. He had been in his room all this time, so I'd forgotten about him. "You said you loved him. You said that you wanted to marry him after college." Everyone turned to me, having heard this for the first time. "Is he really dead? Did he kill himself?"

Leave it to Sammy to put it so indelicately.

I looked at Jo then broke down again. "I thought I was turning into John. I was having nightmares like he did after Mary... I kept dreaming that I- that I killed Cas." The look on Gabe's face was saying that I _did_ kill him, but I went on. "I really thought that I could accidently hurt him, like I thought I was going to do to you guys before I moved. I wanted to keep him safe."

"By pushing him away," Jo said, obviously unhappy.

"I thought I was doing the right thing! Okay? I didn't know what was going on with him, though."

"You should've," Gabe snapped.

"You didn't know either! You even saw what he did to Anna. Why did your family not do anything about it then?"

He pressed his lips together, suddenly at a loss for words.

I jabbed my finger at him. "Your whole family knew something was wrong. Cas hurt Anna, of course something was wrong! But no one did anything. Your father just decided to kick him out for wanting to live here with me."

"And you broke up with him! Don't act so high and mighty when you're the one who started all of this." I tried to tell myself that Gabe was wrong, but it wasn't working. No matter what Cas had written, this felt like my fault. "It's not like he was kicked out, anyways. He was going to come back over the summer, we all knew that. Even if he didn't, Dad wouldn't ever turn Cas away."

"He sure as hell thought he would. Cas told me that he couldn't go back to California, even if he wanted to. Which he didn't." Another thought came to me, making me turn to my sister. "Did you know about all of this? About Kevin?"

"Of course not, Dean. If I had any reason to think Cas was in trouble, do you think I'd keep it to myself?"

"Adam knew. And if this happened to Kevin, I guarantee Charlie knew." They're at fault too. They knew there was something wrong but didn't do anything about it. The boy I loved was dying inside, and no one did anything to stop it.

Mom put her hand on my back, causing me to turn and meet her eyes. "I'm sure they just didn't know how to help. Remember, you're not the only person who loved Cas." _She's_ _already talking about him in past tense. Even my mom has given up hope._

"How would you know how they were thinking? It's not like you've ever watched someone go unstable." That word hung in the air, heavy and accusing.

There was brief, silent exchange between my parents, ending with Dad saying, "Not now, El. This isn't the right time."

"I'm sick of the secrets, Bobby. He needs to know." Dad nodded. Mom faced me again, gesturing for me to follow her. "Let's go talk about this somewhere private."

I shook my head. "Whatever this is, I'm sure Sam needs to know too. And whatever you tell us, you can tell Jo." I looked at Gabe, hoping that he'd understand how unwelcome he was at that moment.

He cleared his throat. "Do you mind if I step into the kitchen and get something to drink?" All he received was a stiff nod from my dad before he left us alone.

"What's going on?" Sam asked, settling himself on the sofa and pulling his knees to his chest.

"There are a few things you two don't know about your parents."

I watched my mom carefully as she spoke, obviously referring to John and Mary. "I'm sure there are more than a few."

"You're right, son," Dad admitted, pulling his wife to his side. "There are plenty of things we don't know either. But what we _do_ know... It's not great, which is why we never told you."

"Told us what?"

He wouldn't look at me or my brother. He wouldn't even look at Jo. "You know that the man who killed your mother was both John and Mary's friend." He didn't phrase that as a question, so he didn't leave time for me to agree. "What you don't know is that Azazel's parents were murdered before he got to high school, and that changed him in ways no one understood at the time. John and Mary knew, though. Your parents knew what was happening to their friend, but they sat back and hid it from everyone. They didn't know what to do, so they just watched Azazel become unstable."

Mom looked like she was only being held up by her husband's strength, both physically and mentally. "I knew the three of them before I knew Bobby, back in high school. I didn't think much of them, but I knew there was something wrong with Azazel. People were afraid of him, but it was more than that. He would space out with this look of disgust or smirk on his face, then come to and say he was thinking about death. Everyone just thought that meant his parents' deaths since it had just happened a year prior. He would light his hands on fire, just to watch the flames because he thought they were interesting. I was a senior when he was just a freshman, and I spent too much time with him just being in the same building for that year. I can't say that I watched him become unstable, but your mother told Bobby parts of it. She was terrified of her friend, and sometimes of your father."

"She was afraid of John?" Sam asked. He never had much of a chance to get to know our birth father. No wonder he was confused. He didn't know that he lived under the same roof as someone who would threaten to leave me to the dangerous _paratas_ he became an enemy of because his debts were more important than my life. Someone who would put one son in danger to motivate the other to work harder. Someone who forced my powers out of me before they could develop properly and who made sure the fire Mary died in was burned into my mind. He used that night like a dog trainer would use treats, as if reliving her death was a reward. I was afraid of him too. But that was after Mary died. John was never like that before, so why was Mary afraid of him?

"John," Mom began, "was going down the same path as Azazel."

"Wait. He was unstable _before_ Mary died?" That didn't make any sense. From my memories before everything good literally went up in flames, I remembered a completely different John Winchester. There was no way he was unstable all that time.

"According to Mary, yes." Dad looked over the three of us. "She didn't have much of a family that she was close to, and she cut off contact with any other friend from high school, so she became close to me and Karen, her new family. Then, Karen passed a few months after their trio disappeared, and she just had me. Mary confided in me when she could get away from Azazel and John for years. She told me that she was worried about John, afraid of what he could become, terrified of who he already was. The last I heard from her was that she was having you, Dean, and that she was going to get John back and live a normal life."

Mom smiled at us. It was a sad kind of smile, though. "A year after Bobby and I got married, John came to us and asked if we would take you in. He wasn't quite stable or quite sober, but he told us that something bad would happen if you two stayed with him. He wouldn't say what, only that the plans wouldn't be able to be completed without the three." She looked at our dad. "He didn't explain, and we didn't ask any questions."

"We couldn't leave you with John: that's all we needed to know. So, we brought you in and hadn't heard from John until Thanksgiving. After all these years, something made him want to explain everything to you two. We understand that you don't want to see him, though."

The room was quiet for a few beats before Sam cleared his throat. "Why are you telling us this now? I mean, I'm glad I have a few more pieces of the story, but why did you wait so long?"

"I didn't want you thinking any worse about your parents for letting Azazel lose control of himself." Mom bit her lip, looking straight at me. "I just don't want you to be so hard on Cas's family or your friends, okay? No one really knows how to handle this kind of stuff." She sighed. "I hope this doesn't change the way you see your mother. I know you always saw her in a better light than your father."

Sam shrugged. "Well, I don't feel any different. She wasn't ever really my mom. You are."

I could see both of our parents' eyes watering, so I chimed in, "And John was never our dad."

"Well," Jo added, speaking for the first time since this conversation started, "they definitely weren't my parents."

We all laughed a little, a forced kind of laugh that could only be brought out in such a horrible situation, but the sound completely stopped when Gabe walked in the room. "Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting, but the officer is here and is ready to talk to everyone."

Any lightness in the air dissipated, leaving behind a thick, black despair. I couldn't believe I let myself get distracted like that! Who cares about my past when Cas was missing and might not have a future? I shook myself out of my thoughts, pressing my fingers to the cold metal pendant hanging from my neck. "Could you guys give us the room, then?"

•••

My family was reluctant to leave, but they knew they would only be in the way, so they started making the dinner that had been postponed earlier. Only Gabe stayed with me and the middle-aged woman who was asking us questions. He had to tell her about the phone call and the text to Michael, but then he too left to the kitchen.

"So, Dean, you were Castiel's boyfriend, yes?"

I didn't like the use of the word _were_ , whether she was referring to the fact that I broke up with him or the possibility of something else. "Yes," I replied simply.

"Could you tell me what happened tonight?" Her voice was gentle, as was the concerned expression she wore.

So I told her about our break up and the storm, whose ending I originally took as a good sign. I let her read the note, then answered her remaining questions. When she asked why I broke up with him, I didn't tell her about the dreams. I told her about the fight with Chuck and how I didn't want him to have trouble with his family because of me, which was true. I couldn't tell her anything about Kevin or Anna beyond what she read, having only just learned them myself. She had plenty of questions about Cas's powers, of which I had limited answers.

Eventually, she thanked me and stood, tucking away the pen and pad she was using to take notes.

"Officer Wilson?" I asked from my place on the sofa. I didn't lift my head to see if I had her attention. "What are the chances Cas is okay?"

She knelt down in front of me. "Do you think he could hurt himself?"

"I don't know anymore. Before, I'd say no, but I don't know what is going on in his head now."

That didn't seem to bode well with the officer. "Well, let's hope then. When we don't know the answer, we can have faith that good will prevail. I don't know if you're religious, Dean, but now would be a good time to pray."

" _It_ _never_ _hurts_ _to_ _have_ _a little faith._ " I echoed Chuck's words from what felt like eons ago. With seemingly everything against me, though, it was going to take more than a little faith to get Cas back. When Officer Wilson left me alone, I willed a flame to blossom in my palm, where I just watched it for a minute or two. It didn't help me think or take my mind off of anything, but it gave me something to do. I felt like there was something I wasn't getting, but I couldn't put my finger on what pieces I was trying and failing to fit together. Was it about Cas? My parents? Something else entirely?

Then, for whatever reason, a memory hit me unexpectedly. The twins, Ezekiel and Gadreel, telling Cas about recent visions the night before Anna's birthday party. _A fire. Laughter. Azazel. A storm._ Two visions of the past, two of the future. Or maybe not. Maybe they did that thing where they tapped into each other's power. Either way, the memory left me feeling unsettled. _A storm._ That could've meant anything. A vision of a storm from either the future or the past, I never figured out who saw what that night, wasn't a warning for today. I'm sure one of the twins predicting the weather wasn't anything special. I looked outside at the trees that were still dripping from the rain. Why was my stomach churning, then? Why couldn't I get the hollow look of the twin's eyes when he asked who Azazel was out off my head?

Jo peeked her head into the room, startling me and causing me to put out the fire I forgot about. "Dinner's ready." She tried to smile, but it came out too forced. "Dad is going to get a pie from Milton's."

"I'm not hungry." I finally got up, feeling a bit better once I left the room. "I'll be upstairs if you need me."

•••

They all left me alone for a while, no one even daring to come upstairs. I was staring at the end of my bed in a sort of numbness as everything crashed down on me at once. My mind couldn't grapple with the idea that Cas could be _gone_. He was fine, or a version of fine, _alive_ , just this morning. Just a few hours ago. The last thing I said to him was that we should keep our distance for a while. The last words I heard him say were begging to know if my feelings for him were ever real and his acceptance of me breaking his heart. The last thing I heard him say was _Okay._ One word. That's all he could input in our last conversation. _Okay._

I held my hand up to my mouth, covering the small whimpers that started again with a fresh wave of tears by biting my knuckle.

I could still picture him sitting with me on my bed from the times he came over. When we kissed until nothing else mattered around us and I held him in my arms until morning. I could see the way his messy hair would fall over his forehead while he slept. I could hear him telling me that he loved me. I could hear his laughter. I remembered our conversations we had late at night over Christmas break when we were both too awake to try to sleep, which led to mumbled conversations about the future and college and what life would be like outside of high school. We had conversations that were meaningless in the moment, but so meaningful now. Cas teasing me about being a Gryffindor and trying to convince me that Hufflepuffs were the best. _My dorm is right by_ _the_ _kitchens, and_ _you're_ _all the way up in_ _the_ _towers. Besides, this badger is_ _happy_ _not having to_ _deal_ _with_ _Harry's shit everyday._ He said that like it was a real problem, like we actually went to Hogwarts during the books' timeline. He went on and on those nights, jumping from topic to topic in a sleepless rant. I never minded. I listened to him talk for as long as he wanted, watching the way his eyes lit up with excitement in the moonlight. What I'd give to hear a lecture on how underappreciated Black Widow and Hawkeye are in the Avengers.

I was started out of my thoughts by a knock at my open door. It was Gabe. He was holding a slice of pie like an olive branch. "I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier." I took the pie, but didn't take a bite of it. This night had left me without an appetite. "It wasn't fair to blame you for any of this. Cas is really good at hiding his emotions." I was grateful for the present tense. Gabe still had some hope left. "You were right, though. We should've done something weeks ago, but I don't think anyone wanted to believe there was anything wrong. We're pretty good at lying to ourselves, always have. I- I told him to leave after Anna got hurt. I should've made him stay. I could've prevented this."

I set the plate down, bringing Gabe into a hug that we both needed. His shoulders shook as he cried, which only caused me to do the same. "We can't blame ourselves if something happened." This is what I'd been repeating to myself all day, despite how little I actually believed it. I couldn't help but feel guilt. Gabe was right, wasn't he: this was my fault. "We were both doing what we thought was right, even if it was the worst thing to do. I mean, I broke up with him to protect him. How stupid is that?"

Gabe pulled away from me, drying his eyes. "He loves you so much. If you asked him to run away and elope, the kid would go without question. You make him so happy."

That didn't make the burning guilt reside. In fact, it made me feel worse. "He loves you too. He talks about you and Anna all the time." I laughed a little. "He told me about the one time where..."

We talked for a while about shared memories with Cas, trying to not sound like we were remembering someone who was already gone. After some time, he left to talk to his family. He didn't want to go home until he had his brother back, but he needed to tell them what happened and what probably happened. As the hours went by with no word from anyone, hope started to wane. I could feel him drifting slowly from _is_ to _was_ in everyone's minds.

Jo settled beside me on my bed. I didn't even notice her come in. After a moment of silence, she rested her head on my shoulder and sighed. "Will talking about any of this help?"

I shrugged. "I don't even want to think that he could actually... you know. It doesn't seem right. Like, that's not my Cas. My Cas would never do that to himself. But if he was really unstable, who knows what he could've done."

We both lapsed into quiet until Jo smiled. "Do you remember when he twisted his ankle coming back from practice?"

The memory brought a faint smile to my face as well. "And I carried him back to the band room bridal style. He was so embarrassed. I didn't hear the end of it for days."

"Wait, I think I have a picture of it too." She pulled out her phone, swiped down for a bit, then showed it to me. Sure enough, there was a picture of me carrying Cas, his arms crossed while he pouted.

"I don't know what I was thinking," I admitted quietly, no longer focusing on the picture or the memory. "This is torture. When I get Cas back, I'm never letting go of him again."

"Do you- Nevermind. If you need me, I'll be in my room. Try to get some sleep, okay?"

I nodded, but I doubted that I could. I tried to not think about my sister's unasked question. _Do you think you'll get Cas back? Do you think he'll want to be with you after you_ _broke_ _up with him? Do you think he's still alive?_

I had to hope so. I didn't know what I'd do if the answers to any of this questions were _no_.

•••

The moon was high in the night sky, and sleep had yet to come. I occupied my time by rereading old messages sent back and forth between me and Cas and looking over pictures. I had an entire album comprised of pictures of the two of us, which I was currently going through. The pictures didn't make me happy or sad; they just left me empty.

I swiped to the next picture, one Meg had sent me. It was just me looking at Cas while he was talking, neither of us aware of Meg. The caption said, " _you're_ _so in love_ _it's_ _gross_ ".

I looked at pictures from homecoming and the Valentine's dance. Ones that I'd gotten from my mom as we pinned boutonnieres on each other's shirts and posed in front of the widow in the family room and a dozen or so more. Ones of Cas in the snow, flakes dotting his hair and lashes as he made a snow angel. Ones from Christmas where we were cooking or were opening presents or were snuggling while we watched Christmas movies. Ones where we were kissing and where Cas was curled into my chest. I looked at so many pictures I'd taken of just Cas: doing homework and biting his lip, standing in the sunlight, braiding a flower crown in the park. I went through pictures he'd sent to me that I'd saved. I had dozens of selfies with various Snapchat filters captioned with just hearts that Cas would send me throughout the day. He sent me a doodle from his calculus notes that was a poorly drawn sketch of the Hulk on fire. All it said was, " _it's you_ ". I had been amused by that picture on so many levels when I first got it, mostly because Cas could draw well, yet that picture we terrible. Then, there was the series of faceswaps I received after football practice one day. He had sent me half a dozen pictures of our friends' faces on his with comments like "I'm glad you and I can't have kids cause they'd be ugly", "I'd be hot as a girl", and (my personal favorite) "ahhhh" that was with Adam's face that horrifically distorted on the screen.

I looked at pictures until my eyes felt heavy. At last, I fell into peaceful sleep, and I dreamed about holding the love of my life in my arms again.

•••

It wasn't the midday sun that woke me up or the unnerving quiet, but an alarm on my phone set to go off at noon to remind me that it was Valentine's Day. I didn't need the reminder.

I quietly went downstairs, fully noting that I'd skipped school and slept for half the day. I also realized that I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, so I was starving. To my surprise, I found my mom making soup in the kitchen.

"Why are you not at work?" She jumped and dropped her spoon into the pot on the stove.

She quickly fished it out and washed it off. "You scared me. I didn't want to leave you alone today. Do you want some soup?" I didn't miss that she was trying to change topics.

"Yes, please." She put the soup into two bowls and sat with me at the breakfast bar. Mom made homemade chicken noodle soup: my favorite. I noticed something on the table, quickly realizing it was my mom's necklace from Cas. The plant inside was wilted, just like the fire lily in my room.

She saw where I was looking and sighed. "It did that last night before you came over. I didn't think anything of it until after everything." She shifted in her seat, uncomfortable talking about it. But I needed to know what happened to Cas.

"Have you heard anything?"

She didn't say a word, as when I looked back at her, she was crying. My whole body went cold, and my heart stopped. I couldn't get air to my lungs. "Mom?" I could hear the hysteria in my voice. _He's_ _okay,_ _he's_ _okay._

"They found him early this morning," _he really is okay,_ "and his parents confirmed that it was him. I'm so sorry, Dean."

_No_ _. No,_ _he's_ _okay. He has to be okay._

"Gabriel came by to tell you, but Bobby and I didn't want to wake you yet. It was really early, and you'd been up all night. We just wanted you to rest while you could. I'm sorry," she repeated.

"No." I said that aloud this time. "No, he has to be okay. Cas wouldn't actually- They have to be wrong. Mom, they've got it all wrong. Maybe Cas went back to California, and they're looking in the wrong place. Maybe he just went somewhere else. Maybe-"

She shook her head, placing her hand on my knee. "No, Dean. It's really him. He-" She stopped, not wanting to go into details.

"But-"

Mom got up and brought back something from the basket on the counter. It was a phone. Cas's phone. It was the same Captain America case with the same picture of him and Anna as his lock screen. I knew that if I unlocked it, I would find a picture of me kissing Cas's cheek as the home screen. I didn't unlock it, though. I just held the phone in my hand and stared at it dumbly. Then, she handed me the other thing I didn't notice she had. She pressed Cas's necklace into my palm that didn't hold his phone. I immediately set the device down to turn the pendant over and over in my hands, finally touching my own necklace.

"No," I breathed again. "He can't be. I-" My voice broke. I cried harder than I ever thought possible, shaking shoulders and labored breaths. For the first time, I felt like I could describe a panic attack. I wasn't sure if that's what was going on, but the name fit the situation and how I felt. I pulled my mom into a hug, clinging onto her and Cas's necklace like a lifeline. "I can't- He can't- Cas- I love him, Mom! Why-" I couldn't find the words for what I wanted to know. _Why did Cas do this?_ That seemed to simple of a question for such a complex answer. I settled on asking, "Why?" a couple more times before my words became a succession of whimpers and sobs.

My mom didn't tell me that everything would be fine or that I was okay. She didn't try to soothe me with useless words or lies. She just held me as my whole world crumbled around me like falling snow. I hadn't noticed the first flakes, but now that it was too late, I realized I was buried in this blizzard just like Cas. But there didn't seem to be a way out for me.

•••

It shouldn't be possible to actually feel your heart shatter into a billion pieces, yet it was a knife to my chest each time a new fracture appeared. My chest and lungs ached; my eyes burned. Once my tears ran dry, I stared at the ceiling as my own body continued its battle against itself and my mind shut down. Then, without warning, the waterworks resumed, and a cycle began. Pain and sobbing; nothing. Pain and sobbing; nothing. It went on for what felt like days, but Sam appeared at my door a few hours later. I just stared at him, my brain not functioning as it should.

My brother walked to my bed, taking a seat at the very edge. "Dad told us on the way home. I'm-" I felt my eyes and mind focus. Sam was crying. Not loud, ugly tears that had consumed half my day, but he was still crying. "I'm really sorry, Dean." He blinked, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands. "What was he even doing in the woods?"

"The woods?" I asked numbly.

"Do you remember that lake we went to when we were younger?"

"The lake?" Finally, it all clicked. "God, he went to the lake. I broke up with him, and he went to the lake to-" I couldn't say it. I couldn't even think it. "He went to our fucking lake!" Everyone had to have heard me downstairs, but no one commented on my language or volume.

Sam actually looked afraid of me for a minute. "What happened at the lake?" he whispered.

"That's where they started dating," Jo said from the doorway. "They had their first kiss there too."

I could barely force out the words, but I needed to know. "Did Cas... Did he drown? Is that where they found him?" Jo nodded, but neither of my siblings would look at me. "I need to see him. I can't let last night be the last time. I- I just need..." I hiccuped out a cry. "I need to apologize. I need him to know that I love him and that I was trying to protect him from me and that I didn't want to break up with him. I just need to see him."

They looked at each other uneasily. "Dean, you can't. He's-"

" _I know he's not here anymore, but_ _I_ _just have to, Jo!_ "

"They won't let you see the body." I flinched at Sam's words. How could he just talk about Cas like that? "They're being super weird about it; family only. Closed casket and everything." I didn't know how my brother knew this or why the Novaks were making decisions like that so fast. Was I the only one who still cared about Cas?

"I don't think it would be a good thing for you to see him like that anyways," Jo stated. "It would be best to just remember him how he was."

_No. I don't want to be remembering him. I want to be with him. I want to laugh with him and talk with him and celebrate Valentine's Day and just be happy. I want to spend my life with him. I want this to just be a dream. I want to wake up. I need to wake up. I need-_

"I need to go."

"What?" Jo asked. "Where are you going?"

"Back to the dorms." It was no longer home. Home left me last night after I abandoned it. "I just need to go and get a few things from my room."

"Dean, I don't think that's a good idea."

I touched the two pendants on my necklace, sighing. "I'm not going to do anything, Jo. I just want to clear my head and get my flute and a few other things." They didn't question why I wanted my flute, knowing it helped me think. I didn't want to pick up a saxophone or touch a piano, but I needed to dull some of this pain with music. I didn't wait for them to answer me. I grabbed the two phones off of my nightstand, shoved them in my pocket, and went outside to my car before my parents could stop me.

The second I revved the engine, music filled the car. I immediately switched over to the radio, not being able to handle Cas's music he compiled for my birthday. It just hurt too much to hear his thoughts amplified through my speakers. I settled into a feeling that was a step above nothing as the radio softly played in the background of my thoughts. Driving was good. Driving forced me to think about one thing and one thing only. I could usually pay attention to everything except the road, but today I needed the distraction. I welcomed it.

Before I knew it, I was pulling into the school's parking lot. As I stopped my car, a song began that made me pause to listen.

**_I'm alone_**  
_**Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night**_  
_**I'm in tears, and the cryin' that I do is for you**_  
**_I want your love - let's break the walls between us_**  
**_Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride_**  
**_Enough's enough, I've suffered and I've seen the light_**

**_Baby_**  
**_You're my angel_**  
**_Come and save me tonight_**  
_**You're my angel**_  
_**Come and make it all right**_

**_Don't know what I'm going to do_**  
**_About this feeling inside_**  
**_Yes it's true - loneliness took me for a ride_**  
**_Without your love - I'm nothing..._**

I turned the radio off, letting my crying fill the air as I put my head on the steering wheel. That only lasted a moment before I got so angry- at Cas, my siblings, the Novaks, myself- that I slammed my fists onto the dashboard over and over until I realized where that noise was coming from. The surface was splintered and the face of the radio was shattered, glass laying on the floor and stuck to my hand. I got most of it out and fell back into sobs. "I'm so sorry, Baby. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry." I mumbled this over and over until I wasn't sure if I was still talking to my car.

A text from Jo shook me back into reality, giving me enough motivation to make it to my dorm like I told her I'd already done. Yet that motivation dissolved once I made it into my dark room. I found myself hugging Cas's pillow to my chest, breathing in the way he always smelled: his shampoo and a little like a lightning storm. It took me almost an hour of staring at nothing for me to see the box.

I sat up in a daze, taking the small box in my hands. It was wrapped in shiny silver paper, a neat red bow tied on top. A black velvet box was inside the first box with a folded note covering the lid. I felt my stomach drop, fearing what this letter had to say after the last one I received from Cas. After all, who else would leave me this gift.

_Dean,_  
_I_ _didn't_ _really know what to get you for Valentine's Day. It had to be something special; it was our first after all. You're probably thinking that you would love anything that I gave you, that I didn't even have to get you anything. Well, I did, so suck it up. I wanted to get you something that meant a lot, something I would hate later on because I would have to top it. And then everything just clicked over Christmas break. I knew that_ _I_ _loved you and that you loved me, but_ _it_ _was when we were dancing together in your bedroom that_ _I_ _realized just how much_ _I_ _love you. In that moment,_ _I_ _realized that_ _I_ _never want to leave your side, that_ _I_ _want to spend the rest of my life with you. Even if_ _I_ _couldn't admit it for another couple weeks. But it gave_ _me_ _the perfect idea. So, I'm giving you a promise and a reminder of how much I love you. I'm trying to keep this a surprise, even though you probably already know what this is. I'm not going to say any more. Well, go ahead and open your present. I love you, Dean._

_xCas_

  
_P.S. The only thing that I can think of that will top this is another gift that's similar, but has a different type of promise. You'll have to wait a few years for that one, though._

I lifted the lid, unable to prevent myself from crying at what I saw. Cas got me a ring: a promise ring, judging by his letter. At first glance, it looked close to a class ring, but the gem in the center wasn't anything that I'd ever seen before. When I pulled it from the box and held it closer, I realized why. The center was a sky blue and it had half a dozen snowflakes floating around in it. That's what Cas meant. He'd somehow managed to trap real snowflakes in a ring, the perfect reminder of the day we started dating. The perfect reminder of how much he loved me. Nothing else decorated the simple band, only a small engraving on the inside: _Until the very end xCas_

He knew that was my favorite line from the Harry Potter series. I always preferred James's unconditional love over Severus's obsessive crush. But that was always how Cas felt about me: this unconditional love. _No matter what, I'll be here for you. I'll always love you. Until the very end._

I crumpled into sobs once again. He really did love me until the end. And I guess he got his wish; he spent the rest of his life with me. I only wished the rest of his life was more than a few months after his realization over break.

I thought back to that night and to the song that made such an impact on Cas that it made it onto my birthday mixtape. We'd been listening to music, laying together, each with our own earbud. When Aerosmith's _I_ _Don't_ _Want to Miss a Thing_ shuffled through my Spottify, I pulled Cas to the middle of my room. He started complaining, but I took one of his hands in mine and put my other on his hip. He smiled begrudgingly, resting his hand on my shoulder. And then we were swaying to the music that was flowing through our earbuds. Cas ended with his head on my chest, and we stayed like that for song after song, just dancing in the moonlight coming from the window.

That was the night Cas knew I was the one for him. That was the night he thought of getting me a promise ring. That was the night he knew he wanted to marry me someday. He said it himself. _The only thing that I can think of that will top this is another gift that's similar, but has a different type of promise. You'll have to wait a few years for that one, though_. The only thing that can top a promise ring is an engagement ring. He wanted to marry me someday, but now that someday would never come.

I slid the ring onto my ring finger on my right hand. Of course, it fit perfectly, which seemed like a cruel joke. That finger was for engagement rings, and I was going to keep wishing I had a chance to get that far with the love of my life. It was so unfair that we both wanted this life together that seemed possible before it was ripped away from us.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Cas," I whispered.

My pitiful thoughts were interrupted by my phone vibrating. I thought it was Jo again until I realize it was Cas's phone, not mine.

_**1 New Message From Gracelyn** _

It felt rude to read Cas's texts, but the Novaks, or Gabe at least, gave me his phone. I guess it was okay then.

**To Gracelyn:**  
**I forgive you and Levi for everything**

**From Gracelyn:**  
**Cas** **that** **means the** **world** **to me it probably** **will** **never be like old times but** **I** **hope we** **can** **still** **be friends after everything** **text** **or call** **whenever** **you want** **I'll** **always be here for you**

He forgave her. He forgave them both. In Cas's last moments, he said goodbye to his family, asked forgiveness from them, and forgave the two people who had hurt him the most. I went to his other messages to read what he texted to his brother, but I stopped when I saw a text that was never sent. It was to me. The time on the saved draft was after both the text he sent to Michael and the one he sent to Gracelyn. The last thing he did was write a message to me, a true goodbye.

**To Dean:**  
**I** **will** **always** **love you**  
**Until** **the** **very end**

There it was again. Until the very end. I touched the ring on my finger. I didn't cry or yell or throw anything. I just laid with my arms around Cas's pillow, my knees pressed almost to my chest. Numbness took over, and I realized that feeling nothing and feeling everything were simply two different kinds of the same hell.


	39. February

●Dean●

  
I couldn't bring myself to go to school or see anyone for another three days, not until Benny's birthday on Friday. Even then, I only saw him for about ten minutes before I went back to my dorm. I wouldn't have even gone to see him, but Cas asked me to. He wanted to give Benny his birthday present, so I had to. The gift bag was right where he told me, and I took it to Benny's room after school.

"Hey, Dean," he said with a soft smile. For a moment, he didn't know what to do or say, so we just stood there. Benny cleared his throat. "Come in. How are you doing?"

"Don't," I replied sharply. "Please just don't." I took a deep breath, handing him the large bag with a blue envelope from me. It was one of the envelopes I used to ask Cas to homecoming; I had a ton of them left afterwards. Inside were two tickets to the concert Benny hadn't shut up about that was touring in a few months. I bought them for the two of us, but when he pulled them out, I found myself telling him, "They're for you and Meg. You've gotta get that girl into some real music. Happy birthday."

Benny didn't look very happy, though. One of your friends... One of your friends dying a few days before your birthday had to ruin it.

"What's this?" he asked, rifling through the tissue paper.

"Don't know. He left it for you." Benny didn't have to ask who I was talking about: he could tell from the pain in my voice.

He pulled out what looked like a handmade blanket that had a note pinned to it. I felt my heart clench inside my chest. I had a feeling that I'd never be able to see handwritten letters the same ever again.

_Now you can stop complaining._

That's all that was written on it. Benny had a wistful look, though I didn't understand why.

"Does that mean something to you?" I asked, not really caring to intrude on a moment shared by only Cas and Benny.

"We had a running joke about the fact that I'm from Louisiana and he was from southern California and how we're dying in the cold winters up here." He seemed to realize what he said after the words came out of his mouth because his eyes widened and he wouldn't look at me. "I'm sorry, Dean. That was so insensitive. I just-"

"Don't worry about it." In fact, it didn't hurt like I thought it would. The words didn't quite hit me as much as bury themselves in me. They didn't hurt now, but I knew they would later when they'd had a chance to fester and grow into something worse. "I'm getting tired, so I'm going to go. Happy birthday."

"Thanks, Dean. And-" He didn't seem to know how to finish his thought, so he left it at that. "See ya Monday, right?"

"What's Monday?"

"The school is having a type of memorial for Cas during first block." He said that like I should've known about it. Though, I guess I should've. But I hadn't gone to school all week, choosing instead to stare blankly at the walls and ceiling and to torture myself by going through every moment since September to try to find things that I could've done to prevent this.

"Oh," was all I said. The word sounded hollow, like even my voice had broken. And then I left Benny, feeling guilty that I couldn't pull myself together for my friend or save Cas but feeling lost most of all. It felt like this was how things were going to be from now on: gloomy and empty without Cas to brighten my life. I didn't know how to go on from here, but I had to. Cas told me that he just wanted me to be happy. Even if I couldn't, I had to try. I had to try for him.

•••

  
The weekend passed in a blur of nothingness. I got up and did the things I needed to like shower and eat and check in with my family, but none of it felt real.

At that point, not only did happiness feel out of reach, but life did too. The world kept moving, and I couldn't keep up. Everything was just so cruel. How could life continue for everyone else when Cas's had ended? It felt like all of reality should be crumbling without Cas, but it just seemed to be me that was falling apart.

I hugged my arms to my chest, trying to listen to Mr. Harrington, our principal, talk about Cas. He didn't know anything about him, so every word sounded insincere. I mean, he was calling him Castiel rather than Cas. A few teachers talked, including Mom, before they had students say a few words. I was asked to say something, but I couldn't. Even if I could, I didn't owe anyone an explanation or need to tell them anything about Cas. If they knew him, there was nothing I could say that they didn't know. And if Cas could hear me, he would've heard everything before. So I stayed in my seat in the first row and listened to Charlie and Jo and Harrison and a few others talk. I wondered how much they really knew him. I wondered what each of them were doing when Cas decided to end his own life. Had they even thought about him recently? Did he think about any of them in those last moments?

Before I knew it, Mr. Harrington was back at his podium, saying something about Cas's yearbook when they came in. He thanked everyone and said we were dismissed at the bell to go to second block. Everyone immediately started talking, creating an annoying buzz all around me.

I took the moment to find the Novaks in the auditorium. It was just Chuck, Naomi, and the three eldest kids. The others must have been in school.

"Hey, Dean," Gabe said when he saw me. No one looked like they hated me, so that was a good sign.

"Hi." It just occurred to me that I had no idea what to say to any of them.

Chuck gestured for me to sit, so I did. "I'm surprised you didn't say something up there."

"It was too hard," I answered truthfully. "I couldn't."

Naomi wiped her eyes and leaned across her husband to take my hand. I hated seeing her cry, but she had been doing that since I saw her come in before the memorial. "We understand, honey. How are you holding up?"

"Not great. I didn't realize how much he was there for me until he wasn't." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "How's everything at home?"

"Everyone's in shock, I think. Anna has been a wreck since she found out. It's just been hard, like you said."

I closed my eyes, bracing myself for what I was going to say next. "He wanted me to talk to you. He wanted me to tell you what happened."

Naomi shook her head. "We know, Dean. You don't have to say anything."

"Mom, let him talk," Michael interrupted. "I, personally, want to hear his side of this."

I didn't know how to start, so I looked to Gabriel. His eyes glinted in the light, and I could've swore they looked purple for a second. I blinked, focusing on my next words that came a lot easier than I expected. "Well, it started with these dreams. These horrible dreams where I couldn't control my powers and was hurting people. I hurt him every night." I looked away from them, focusing on the front of the stage instead. "They were the same type of dreams my father had before he became unstable, and I was afraid. I was so scared that I could hurt him that I broke up with him. Chuck, I told you that I'd never hurt Cas." My voice broke. It hurt to talk about him, so his name felt like sandpaper leaving my mouth. "I promised that my past wouldn't hurt him either. But I couldn't guaruntee that anymore. I just wanted him to be safe, and I know that sounds stupid. I didn't know about his own powers. I didn't know that he was becoming unstable. Trust me, if I did, I would've done something different. I never meant to hurt him, I swear. I love him."

Lucius spoke up for the first time, staring at me until I met his eyes. "Don't blame yourself, Dean. You were trying to protect Cas; that's all that matters. Thank you for telling us everything. Are you okay? Stable, I mean."

I nodded. So far, I'd been fine.

"Good," he replied. He stood, holding his arms open for a hug. The situation was so different from the first time I met Luce and he was threatening me. I gave him a hug, and he whispered in my ear, "Thank you for making my brother happy. I hope you find happiness after everything is over. You deserve it."

Then, I was surprised by Michael pulling me into a hug. He told me, "I should've accepted that he wanted to be with you," before he pushed me away and wouldn't look at me again. I didn't know if he was talking about Cas living with me over the summer or just being with me in general. I didn't have a chance to ask as I was being hugged by Gabe, Naomi, then Chuck.

After a moment, the air grew tense, so I took my leave. Once I reached my seat again, Adam came up to me and sat down.

"Dean-"

"You knew," I interrupted, "didn't you?" He looked confused. "Adam, you texted me the day before and told me to talk to him. You knew what happened to Kevin, didn't you?"

He nodded. "He came with Charlie to talk to me about Cas. They didn't want to come to you because they didn't think you would see that something was wrong. There _was_ something wrong, wasn't there?"

I gritted my teeth. "He was unstable."

"Oh my God. Are you- That's why he lashed out at Kevin. We should've... I don't know, help him somehow."

"You're right; he needed help. Why didn't you go to someone and tell them about Kevin? Why didn't you tell me? He wouldn't come to me but you could've. We could've stopped this."

"Dean, you don't know that."

"Yes, I do. I wouldn't have-" I paused, not wanting to admit that I broke up with Cas. "I would've done something different."

"Yeah," Adam said uneasily. "Listen-"

The bells rang, making his thought end before I began. "You should go to class."

"Are you not going too?"

"I'm going back to the dorms. I can't deal with school yet."

"Alright. See you later then."

"Yeah." I stayed in my seat, not paying attention to anything as people passed me in a blur of shapes and colors until one stopped in front of me. I recognized him from calculus and a few other classes over the years: Fergus MacLeod. Everyone simply referred to him as Crowley, though I'd never took the time to learn the story behind why. His red blazer looked unnatural against his pale skin, almost like the only colors he wore were in his school uniform. I couldn't figure out why he had stopped; Crowley and I had never talked before.

He cleared his throat. "Hello, Dean."

"Uh, hi," I replied emptily.

"I only wanted to extend my condolences. I'm aware that we don't know each other, but I feel like we have the same understanding of certain things that would make us more alike than you would think."

_Um..._ _What?_ "And those things would be...?"

"My father was also unstable."

_How does he_ _know_ _about John? The only person who really knew about_ _him_ _was Cas._

"Unless, of course, the rumors are false." He gave me a knowing smile. _Ah, the rumors._ "But that's not important."

"What do you mean _was unstabl_ e? Is your father...?"

He stopped me midsentence. "No. I misspoke. I'm confident that both of our fathers are very much alive." I wanted to ask how he knew anything about my father, but he was still talking. "Anyway, I just-" Crowley shoved his hands in his pockets, suddenly dropping his suave demeanor. "Take care of yourself, Dean. And about Castiel-" His eyes shifted to the floor. "I'm sorry this had to happen." Crowley left without saying another word, trailing behind the last few people exiting the auditorium. I was alone in the empty room with just my thoughts, wondering what the hell any of that was supposed to mean.

 


	40. March

●Dean●

  
It only took a few days for the emptiness of my room to turn suffocating. Every inch of the dorm reminded me of Cas, from the extra toiletries in the bathroom to the pillow I never used to the scorch marks that wouldn't come clean from the walls no matter how much I scrubbed them. So, just a few days after the memorial, I moved out of the dorms and back with my family. I may have still had memories with Cas there, but it wasn't as bad as where we lived together for months.

I didn't go back to school for so long, but when I eventually did, I skipped the next day. I fell into the bad habit of going for only two days a week, three on a good week. Jo would bring me any schoolwork, which I'd do at home and turn in the next time I showed up to class. Despite all the days I missed, there were no repercussions. I wasn't sure if it was because I was graduating in two and a half months and the last quarter was overlooked by most colleges or if the school was just making a special case for me. Either way, I was grateful. It hurt to go to school, to be where I met Cas everyday yet never being able to see him again. It was just better for me to stay home where I couldn't feel everyone's pitying eyes on me every second.

While I was alone in my house, I actually considered how nice it would be to go to Northham instead of Glen Rock for college. At least, there I wouldn't see Cas in everything and be haunted by memories as much. I knew that would never stop, but I'd do anything to be able to remember him without all the pain that was attached to Glen Rock.

I made so many decisions while I was avoiding school and the people I partially blamed for losing Cas.

•••

"What do you mean you quit?"

I barely even glanced at Harrison. We were sitting on the bleachers at the baseball field before practice one day I came to school. He was swinging his long legs off of the railing he was sitting on in a distracting way. Usually, I loved being distracted from my thoughts but not now.

"That's pretty self-explanatory. I quit the team. I'm not doing baseball this year. End of story."

"But, Dean, it's our senior year."

"End of story."

He sighed, finally stilling his legs. "If this is because you missed tryouts, it's fine. Coach Davis has already put you on the team. Besides, we need you. Desperately. This new pitcher is okay, but he's no Dean Winchester. Just come to a few practices and you'll be ready for our first game at the end of the week, I'm sure of it."

"Harrison, this isn't about tryouts or anything else. It's just... I can't get out of bed most mornings because there's no point without him being there to wake up to. I can't go to school or talk to my family or do anything I used to do because nothing seems worth the effort anymore. I can't do baseball this year because I'm barely surviving at this point, and it just seems so stupid for me to focus on that with everything that's happened. I don't know how to keep moving without him." I ran my hand through my hair. I wasn't sure why I told him all of that. Maybe it was just to finally say the words aloud, to stop lying to myself, at least. He was watching me with an expression I couldn't recognize. "But you don't know how I feel, so I'm sure that sounded ridiculous."

"I do."

"Huh?"

"I do," Harrison repeated. "Know how you feel, I mean. At least, I do a little." He wouldn't look at me or explain any more. It was like he wanted me to put the pieces together on my own. When he realized that I wasn't in a puzzle sort of mood, he started again. "I know part of what you're feeling because... because I felt the same way about Cas as you did."

I pressed my lips into a thin line. "Sorry, what?" Anger bubbled in my stomach with a little bit of jealousy, which was ridiculous. "How exactly did you feel about him?"

Harrison rubbed the back of his neck, still not looking at me. "I liked him. Still do. I didn't say anything about it before because it didn't matter. You two loved each other and were happy. I just wanted Cas to be happy."

_Yeah. Me too._ "Then why are you saying this now? And I thought you were straight."

He shrugged, and I wasn't sure what that was in response to. "You always look so empty now. I didn't want you to think you were alone." Harrison met my eyes at that; his brown ones were brimming with tears.

"And you thought this would help?" I asked coldly. "Telling me that you have a crush on the boy I love. Trust me, that doesn't help. At all."

His face grew so red almost every one of his freckles disappeared. "I'm sorry, Dean. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't." I looked behind him at the field. The baseball team was making their way to the dugout to start practice. "You need to go."

"Are you not going to stay?"

"No. I don't care anymore, Harrison." I stood to leave, barely processing the rest of our conversation.

"He wouldn't want you to do this."

"How would you know what he wanted?" I snapped.

When Harrison spoke again, it was Cas's voice that came out of his mouth. Damn voice manipulation. " _I just want Dean to_ -"

I grabbed him by the shirt, almost knocking him off the banister and effectively shutting him up. "Don't you dare use his voice. You don't have the right." I let go of him and left, not wanting to listen to another thing he said.

•••

After I got home, I felt guilty about everything with Harrison. He was trying to help, but it was so hard to listen to someone who just told me that he liked my boyfriend. It didn't help to know that someone else was mourning Cas like I was. I couldn't listen to the voice that would mumble my name in his sleep be used by someone else when Cas couldn't. But still, I felt guilty.

Because of that, I didn't go back to school until Friday. By lunch, I was wishing I didn't. From start to end, the day was just horrible.

I knocked on Ms. Terry's doorway, wondering why I was being called to the guidance counselor's office. She looked up and gave me a smile, using what I was guessing was telekinesis to move around scattered papers while I watched.

"Sorry about the mess. With graduation coming so soon, it's been hectic, though I don't have to tell you that. Come, close the door and sit." She pointed to one of the chairs in front of her desk. I didn't have a choice but to do as she said. "Good. Now I have a few things to talk to you about, then you'll be back to class. First, the good." She gave me a sugary sweet smile that was so fake, I didn't bother to return it. "Your AP exam scores came in a few weeks ago. I'm sure you've already looked at them online, but we wanted to give you the paper copies too."

I didn't bother to tell her that I haven't thought about my AP classes since I finished them before break. I was pleasantly surprised, though, when I saw that I got fours in both exams.

"How did-" I swallowed the lump in my throat that always accompanied his name. "How did Castiel do?"

Ms. Terry's smile faltered. "Well, I'm not really supposed to tell you that."

"Please. He would've let me know, but..." I stopped before I started crying in front of the counselor.

"You were tutoring him, right?" I nodded. "Well, alright, as long as this stays between us. Castiel got a three."

I smiled despite the unsettling feeling that I always had. "He passed."

"He did." Ms. Terry's smile was back. "Now, on to less pleasant things. Mr. Winchester, you have missed ten days in the past three weeks. I have to warn you that if you continue like this, you may be in danger of not graduating." She folded her hands, looking serious as she let her mouth form a thin line. "I understand that you are in pain right now. It's hard to lose a close friend-"

"He wasn't my friend," I told her stiffly. "He was my boyfriend."

There was a flicker of shock in her eyes before she masked it. "Which makes it even more difficult. But, Dean, you have to keep your goals in mind through all of this. You've worked your past four years to receive that diploma."

I shook my head. Was this lady really telling me that a fancy piece of paper was more important than mourning a life and trying to heal? "I'm sorry, Ms. Terry, but I'm not thinking about my diploma right now. I'm thinking about whether or not I can push myself through the day. I'm thinking about the lunch I didn't eat and trying to remember the last time I _did_ eat." I stood from my seat. "I have almost a perfect attendance up until I lost someone I love. My grades are all As, despite my absences. I am trying to heal. If that healing causes my grades to plummet or I am actually in danger of not graduating, please call me back in here. Until then, let me work from home and take the days off that I need. Please don't tell me how to grieve."

"If one class drops to a B or if this becomes a disciplinary issue, this agreement won't last. Do we understand each other?"

"Yes. Thank you." How stupid. I thought my day would go fine from here.

•••

"Sam," I called when I got home. Mom and Dad were still at school, and Jo was meeting Zayn at the movie theaters. That left me and my brother alone for an hour or two. Or so I thought. "Sam?" I said again, my voice echoing through the hall.

Then I heard them: too many middle schoolers that were sitting in the living room.

I sighed. I didn't know Sam was having friends over tonight. Plastering a fake smile on my face, I went in to greet them. My brother was sitting on the floor with five other boys, playing what looked like Cards Against Humanity. When did we get that?

Most of the group didn't surprise me at all; they were Sam's best friends: Mick Davies, Barry Cook, Jack Kline, and Max Miller. The last one did, though.

"Hey, Dean," Garth said, setting a card down in the center of their circle.

"Uh, hey guys." I nodded to my brother. "Do you need anything?"

Sam didn't even look up from his cards. "Nope."

"Alright. I'm going upstairs to do this week's work." Sam nodded, which I took as my cue to leave.

I heard Jack ask him, "Is everything okay with him? He seemed upset."

"It's his boyfriend, Cas."

"Oh, yeah. I met him," Garth interrupted happily.

"Well, he-"

I ran up the stairs so I didn't hear the rest of the conversation. I didn't want to hear the pity in their voices or have to talk about what happened with these kids who didn't know either of us. It felt better to just surround myself with school, to only think about my work so I didn't think about other things.

•••

I was knee deep in a mixture of calculus, Spanish, and English, not being able to focus on any of it. Numbers were blurring together; I couldn't remember how to conjugate a single verb; the more I reread the same beginning paragraphs of A Modest Proposal, the less sense it made. My plans of blocking out my thoughts with school backfired worse than I'd ever imagined. Every time I looked up, I could've swore I saw Cas. He was standing just at the edge of my vision, watching me.

I tightened my grip on my pencil until it snapped, and I buried my face in my hands. "I can't do this," I mumbled into my palms. Louder, I said, "I know you're not actually there. I know that I'm just imagining you because I miss you. But it's so nice to see you how I want to remember, not like you were that night. It's so nice to feel like you're there. This is so hard. Why didn't you come talk to me? We could've figured everything out. We could've fixed this, and you would still be... _here._ I just miss you so much. Next week will be five months, did you know that?" I saw Cas nod through my fingers. "I'm really talking to you. Whatever you are: a hallucination, a vision, a spirit. But I wish you were actually here; I miss you, Cas." I was crying, salty tears reaching the corners of my mouth. "I wish I could've stopped you. I shouldn't have- I'm so sorry, Cas."

"I forgive you, Dean," I heard him say. Cas always knew exactly what to tell me. He was saying that the only person to blame was himself, but he knew I wouldn't see it like that. He knew that I needed forgiveness to ease my mind, however uneasy it world remain. Part of me realized this was all in my head, so this was something I was telling myself. I didn't care, though.

His hand touched my shoulder, which felt so real. Surely I couldn't have imagined that? Yet when I looked up to meet those warm blue eyes, there was nothing. Part of me expected it, but all of me was disappointed.

I shook my head. This wasn't getting me anywhere. Imagining Cas wasn't going to bring him back, and there were probably a dozen reasons as to why doing that was going to make things worse. Sighing, I started putting my books and papers away. I wasn't making any progress; I knew I wasn't going to either.

After I finished, I laid down, hoping to take a nap before dinner. Naturally, that didn't happen.

_Bzz. Bzz._ Groaning, I found my phone and checked my messages.

**From Lisa Braeden:**  
**I'm here at this game but I haven't seen a certain star pitcher what gives?**

A low, frustrated sound left my mouth. I couldn't deal with this right now. I texted her back, wanting the conversation to be over before I hit send.

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**I quit**

**From Lisa Braeden:**  
**What???**

She let a minute pass before her ••• bubble appeared.

**From Lisa Braeden:**  
**You're joking right**

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**No I'm not on the baseball team anymore**

**From Lisa Braeden:**  
**Why**

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**Personal reasons Lisa**

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**Just drop it**

**From Lisa Braeden:**  
**Dean I care about you I** **know** **we** **don't** **talk much but I just want to make sure everything's okay** **I** **know that baseball meant a lot to you so I'm really confused**

**From** **Lisa Braeden:**  
**I just can't imagine you quitting**

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**Well I did**

I couldn't do this. I couldn't begin to explain why I quit or what was going on with me. I couldn't talk to Lisa like nothing changed because everything had.

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**I've got to go**

**From Lisa Braeden:**  
**Alright we'll catch up soon right**

**To Lisa Braeden:**  
**Sure**

Whether I would actually follow up on that promise didn't cross my mind in that moment. I just wanted to sleep. Unfortunately, my thoughts went into overdrive instead, and I spent the next couple hours staring at the wall, feeling more guilty than I should've.

•••

That night felt like the last time I would talk to Lisa. There really wasn't a reason to, but she found a way to get some answers out of me about a week later. I was sitting with my family at Sam's baseball game when Lisa walked up and interrupted my sister talking about spring break, which was rapidly approaching.

"Hey, Dean. Jo, Mr. and Mrs. Singer." I flashed her a smile, focusing back on my brother as he went into the dugout for the Minotaurs' chance at bat. "Dean, I was wondering if I could talk to you in private for a moment."

Everyone looked at me warily. I'd gotten used to that look: cautious, worried, scared, stressed. My family had been keeping a close eye on me to make sure something bad didn't happen to me too. They were always looking for some kind of sign that my powers or mind or emotions were slipping from me. It was annoying, but I actually appreciated it.

"Sure. Let's take a walk."

We didn't make it further than the baseball field before she turned to me, digging her hands into her hips. "What is wrong with you?  
Your team suffered without you a few weeks ago, and it sounds like they have been all season. You act like you don't care about this anymore."

I actually laughed at her. "Lisa, I don't care about the fucking baseball team. I don't care how much they're _suffering_ because I've had it worse in the past months that a couple of terrible games can't _begin_ to compare to."

"What is this about? A girl?" She ran her eyes over my face, coming to a conclusion with a grin. "A guy? Oh, it's about that one guy, right? The one who got jealous because you were talking to me at the football game." Lisa's eyebrow lifted delicately. She was enjoying this. "Did you have a crush on him? Did he reject you or something?"

I tightened my jaw. "He was my boyfriend."

"Oh," that one word grated my patience, "so he broke up with you. Honestly, it's probably a good thing. I mean, if he got that jealous because of me, the relationship couldn't have been healthy. You're probably better off without him."

I glared at her, but she didn't back down. "I mean, to be jealous when you're not even dating is ridiculous." She rolled her eyes before I could ask how she knew we weren't together. "I asked Jo, obviously. But you know I'm right. You know that a relationship like that is all kinds of wrong."

"Shut up, Lisa."

"I'm just telling the truth."

"No." I stopped walking, making her sigh and join me. "You don't know what you're talking about." She waited for me to explain. "He didn't break up with me. He- he killed himself."

Lisa's face paled, except for the bright red that was blossoming across her cheeks. "Oh God, I'm sorry, Dean."

"No, you're not. You might be embarrassed because you look like an asshole now, but you're not sorry. You're practically yelling at me for grieving and not doing something so insignificant just because you expect me to. For whatever reason, you've decided that you know what's best for me, but you don't know anything about me because you think that's you. Despite whatever you've been telling yourself since we met, you aren't what's best for me. What's best for me drowned in the lake I took him to when we had our first kiss." She was completely embarrassed, not knowing what to say. I didn't wait for her to figure it out. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a game to watch. My brother is going to be batting soon, which I'd like to see." I started to leave, but I decided on adding one last thing that I would regret later, no matter how good it felt in the moment. "But while we're at it, you should lose my number. Oh, and Lisa? Next time you like someone, don't be such a bitch."

•••

"What was that about?"

I barely looked at my sister. "Doesn't matter. Did I miss Sam?"

"No, he should be coming up soon."

Jo was itching to get answers out of me, so I changed the topic. "What were you saying about spring break earlier?"

"Oh," her entire focus shifted back to the plans I'd missed while I was at home that week. "We were deciding between a few things, actually. We wanted your opinion."

"Who exactly is _we_?" I was pretty sure I wasn't going anywhere for spring break anyways, but I definitely wasn't going if certain people were.

"You, me, Zayn, Adam, Benny, Meg, Charlie, Dorothy." Fantastic. No Kevin. After hearing the whole story of what happened that night with him, I had a hard time being around the three of them. I was beyond pissed at Adam, but he was an unwilling witness to everything. Charlie really did have Cas's best interest in mind, so I wasn't as angry with her. But Kevin? Even Charlie thought he was amused by the idea of Cas being unstable. _He was acting weird about the whole situation,_ Charlie told me. _Like it was poetic,_ _I_ _guess. Cas just showed up, and everyone loved him: you, me, Jo, Harrison. Cas was so likable and was so determined to put everything behind him. Then, he starts ruining his relationships, and his past comes back to bite him. Really,_ _I_ _just think Kevin was jealous that I'd grown closer to Cas. We'd been best friends for years, but Cas came and kinda took his place._ I was trying to forgive them all, but it was hard when Kevin wouldn't even show his face around any of us. At that point, I gave up on him.

"Well, what are the ideas, then?" I asked.

"The beach sounds-"

"No." I wasn't about to go to a beach when all I would see would be Cas. Especially when we would be going to one of the closest beaches in California. "I'm not going if you go to the beach."

"How about D.C.? You've always wanted to go there."

"Absolutely not." Jo looked surprised, so I apologized. "It's just- I was going to take him there for Valentine's Day."

She frowned but nodded. "Alright. Our last idea was _debilis_ New York City. Any objections to that?"

"You know, that actually sounds nice. A few days in the city would be good." I looked past her to our parents. "Would they even let us go?"

Dad heard me. "If it gets you two out of the house for a week, go right ahead. It'll get you out of my hair." His voice was teasing, but I knew what he was actually saying. _If it'll get Dean out of his room and actually living again, take him wherever he wants. If my son will start healing because of this trip,_ _I_ _won't_ _let him stay home._

"Then it's settled," Jo said. "New York, here we come."

I smiled, feeling a little lighter than I did when I sat down. Maybe it was seeing my family happy. Maybe I was looking forward to this trip. Maybe it was feeling Cas beside me, wanting me to keep living. Whatever it was, I used it to cheer for Sam when he stepped up to the plate. Something settled inside me, and I thought I heard Cas's voice again.

"It's all going to work out," he told me. I knew he wasn't there and couldn't be talking to me, but I wanted to believe him. I wanted everything to be okay again. I just wasn't sure how that would happen.


	41. April

●Dean●

The few weeks before Jo's birthday were incredibly stressful. I didn't know what to get her for the longest time, so I procrastinated until the last minute. My stress multiplied the longer I waited, then I started panicking. Eventually, Jo just asked me to get her something I liked from her favorite store on Main Street. But that wasn't the end of her requests. She was asking not about her birthday, but the day after: prom.

"Have you changed your mind? I know it's a week away, but I think you should go."

"Jo," I told her when she brought it up, "I really don't want to spend the night trying to act like everything is normal. I should be going to my senior prom with Cas." It's gotten a bit easier to talk about him, but I still have to swallow the knot in my throat each time I say his name. Even after two months, the pain hasn't dulled at all. "Going without him just... It seems wrong, Jo."

"You're not even going to come to coronation? Not even to see me and Zayn and Benny?" The three of them were all on prom court. Actually, I'd been voted on as well, but I turned it down. I didn't see the appeal after everything.

But my sister was so excited. It would break her heart if I didn't come to support her. I'd had enough broken hearts in this family. "Would it make you happy if I went?"

"It would."

"Then I'll go."

She beamed at me, pulling me into a hug. "Great. I got you an invitation last month, even though you said you weren't going. And you can wear your tux from last year since this is last minute." I almost smiled as she made plans for me. "Now we just have to get you a date."

"What? No. I didn't agree to that." Jo rolled her eyes. "I just told you that I didn't want to go without Cas, and you're wanting me to go with someone else. Who would even go with me this last minute?"

"London."

I started at her for a second, making sure I'd heard her right. "London? As in the girl who has had a thing for me since freshman year."

"She doesn't have a date."

"I don't care! Jo, do you not understand why this is a bad idea? I can't begin to think of a relationship or anything close to it right now, so I don't want to lead her on."

"A dance isn't a relationship or anything close to it," she tried to argue.

"It's _prom_." I rubbed my hand over my eyes. "I'm not going with London."

She nodded, giving in. I could see the gears turning in her head as she thought of who else would be a good date. "Go with Jordyn. She won't be expecting anything from you and will be fun to go with. Please, Dean. Cas would want you to be living, not locking yourself in your room until graduation." I hated that she was using Cas like that. I hated that she was right.

So that was how I ended up at prom with Jordyn. We did all of the traditional things: pictures, dinner, coronation, dancing. It all felt weird, though. The deep green that I was wearing to match Jordyn's dress wasn't anything I'd pick out. It definitely wouldn't have been Cas's first choice either. I couldn't get over how she wasn't the boy I loved. She had a corsage instead of a boutonniere, a dress that I kept stepping on and getting dirty looks for, and a knack for reading every thought that passed through my subconscious.

"I know you wish you were here with him," Jordyn told me while we were slow dancing. "You don't have to act like you don't."

"I'm sorry, Jordyn." I focused on the lights decorating the ceiling to look like stars. "You deserve an actual date tonight instead of someone who can only think about someone else."

"It's alright, Dean. I've had a nice time tonight."

"I have too," and I wasn't lying. This definitely wasn't the senior prom I was hoping for, but it wasn't a wash either.

She laughed, not about what I said, though. "No, I won't mind if you go raid the dessert table and sit out for a while. Have at it."

"Thanks." I waited until the song ended before I left her. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and disappeared into the crowd. By the time I reached the dessert table, the light rain that had started on the way to the school had picked up into a storm enough to be heard over the music. The following claps of thunder could've been mistaken as a part of the song, but I knew better. I sat down, feeling my stomach drop.

Jo found me a few minutes later, wanting to check on me.

"It's like the Valentine's dance," I mumbled. "And like that night."

"Dean, don't do this to yourself. It's just a storm."

I folded my hands in my lap. "How am I not supposed to think about him right now? I feel like I'm betraying him." I touched my cheek where Jordyn kissed it. "He has a right to be angry."

Jo laid her hand on my knee. "You know this isn't Cas, right?"

"Yeah. I know he's gone, but... This doesn't feel right. That storm may not be him, but it happened for a reason. Maybe the universe was telling me that I can't move on. Maybe it's saying that I'm making a mistake by being here."

"Dean-"

"This is wrong, Jo, but I'm not going to ditch Jordyn. I'll stay until she's ready to leave."

My sister took my hand. "I'm sorry I pushed you into coming tonight. I should've known you weren't ready." She touched my promise ring gently. I was wearing the necklaces too, but they were under my shirt and couldn't be seen. "I bet Cas would've loved tonight. He would've been on court too."

"They wouldn't have let us dance together, though."

"Yes, they would've. We would make them, say it's discrimination or homophobic or other words that make the school look bad. Also, I'd like to see them try to make you two be with other people." She nudged my shoulder. "Hey. Do you think you'll be able to move on? Like start a new relationship with someone?"

I shrugged. "I can't answer that right now. I was planning on spending my whole life with Cas, so I can't begin to think about my life without him, nevermind with someone else. Maybe I will after I have years to figure things out. Maybe this was my one shot at a happily ever after. I don't know yet. I'm trying to take this one day at a time."

"That's probably best." Jo fluffed out the pink tulle skirt of her dress. "You still owe me a dance."

"I didn't forget." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, kissing her temple. "Next slow song, I'm all yours."

"I'm holding you to that." She stood, but didn't walk away. "Do you want me to stay with you longer?"

"No, go find Zayn and have fun. Come get me for a dance sometime, though." And then I was left alone again, listening to the battering rain that sounded too sad for a dance.

•••

Before I knew it, I was leaving for New York with my friends. We celebrated Charlie's birthday the first day we got there, going directly from our hotel in Dalen to the office next door to the portal office. We needed to use a dimensional zip to get from Dalen in the _paratas_ world to New York City in the _debilis_ world.

The process of getting a zip was the same as getting a portal, just slightly more expensive and exciting. Portals were used practically every day, but I'd only used a zip on a couple occasions. Besides, it was just cool to watch. I'd gotten used to the way portals would swirl outward from a single speck of color until an oval was formed large enough for someone to pass through. Zips, though, were a metallic silver beam of light that stretched from floor to ceiling before ripping down the middle like the teeth of a zipper. Unfortunately, the travel sickness I got from portals was worse with zips since they were harder to pass through: if the former is like walking through water, the latter is running through syrup.

It was all worth the trouble, though, when we visited Central Park upon Charlie's request. She said that all she wanted was to see where the Avengers was filmed and an ice cream cake, so we granted her both requests that day.

It was an oddly peaceful day that I definitely relished in. Those moments didn't come as often as I'd like, after all. Somehow, that week was made up of many of those moments.

We did all the tourist things to do in the city: The Empire State Building, The Top of the Rock, Chinatown, Little Italy, Times Square. But we found our way to hidden gems around the city that locals, both _paratas_ and _debilis_ , recommended.

We visited Trinity Church to see the Hamiltons' graves, another stop for Charlie. It hurt to pass through the headstones, knowing that most of those people were just names carved into stone for almost everyone, knowing that was going to happen to all of us eventually, knowing that it was already happening to Cas. Once we found the Hamilton memorial, Charlie knelt down and touched Eliza's.

"You were an amazing woman," she whispered. Charlie looked up to me. "Cas loved Hamilton. The musical, I mean."

I knelt beside her. "I know. We used to listen to it and sing the songs and dance together." I reached out, just brushing my fingers over the stone. "When we sang Helpless, he was always Eliza, and I was Hamilton." A wistful smile graced my lips. "He would always laugh when I did his growl."

"Who would've guessed?" Charlie mused with a grin. "You're a closet nerd."

"There's nothing about me that's closeted." Even though I was going for a light tone, my voice sounded hollow. The air around us was cold, and not just because it was early spring. I noticed that our friends had drifted away from us, going into the church. They had been acting as a buffer between me and Charlie, so their absence left me feeling awkward. Turning to look away from her, I rubbed the back of my neck. "Listen, Charlie, I want to apologize. I shouldn't have blamed you for Cas-"

Charlie's hand rested on my wrist. "You don't have to apologize, and you don't have to pretend that I didn't do something wrong. But thank you. The apology means a lot."

"Can we get back to normal with us? You know, water under the bridge."

Charlie nodded, standing. "Absolutely." She held up an imaginary glass to the Alexander Hamilton memorial. "To freedom." She nudged me when I joined her on my feet. "And to friends."

I held up my imaginary glass too. "I'll raise a glass to that."

•••

Later that day, we visited the 9/11 memorial, and that's when things started going downhill. There were so many emotions at those fountains, and I just cried. Maybe it was because of those emotions that made the area feel like hallowed ground; maybe it was because of my own recent loss. But after that, I just felt empty. I walked in a fog for the rest of the day, and I was ready to go back to the hotel.

Around eight, I parted ways with my friends who wanted to try to get tickets to the Rockettes. I wasn't quite ready to go to bed, so I stopped in a café on the way to the hotel. Before I found a table, I ordered a hot chocolate and a pastry so I wouldn't be too awake when I wanted to sleep later. I was scrolling through my phone when someone cleared their throat. Then, for the first time in so many months, I genuinely smiled.

"Blake." I met his eyes, noticing that they were the same color as my hot chocolate. "I didn't expect to see you here."

" _You_ didn't expect to see _me_? Really? Dean, I live here. What are _you_ doing here?"

"Spring break."

Blake nodded. "Ah. I forgot that high school had their break a week later than college." He pointed to the chair opposite of me. "May I?"

"Go ahead."

Blake sat down, not saying anything for a minute. He looked different, yet I couldn't quite tell why. "So, are you here by yourself?"

I shook my head. "Some of my friends came with me, but they're in New York City right now."

He raised an eyebrow. "Dean Winchester is trading a night in the city with his friends for sitting by himself in a café? Wow."

"I needed a break, you know, besides the one I'm on from school; it's been a really long day. I thought being alone would help clear my head."

"And did it?"

As usual, I had only pushed aside my problems, hoping they would fix themselves on their own. I wanted to believe that these feelings of nothingness and guilt would go away if I just ignored them, but the emptiness was expanding like a black hole that was consuming everything about me. "No. My head is still very cluttered."

Blake took a drink of his coffee. I could smell it from across the table: a breakfast blend with so much cream and sugar, it could've passed as a dessert. He still drank his coffee the same as he always did. "You can talk to me if that would help. I don't mind lending an ear to a friend in need."

"Thanks, but I don't want to bother you. I'm sure you have somewhere to be."

He glanced around, almost as if he was about to disclose a secret. "I have nowhere to be tonight, but I'd drop my plans if I did. Besides, Dean, you're never any trouble." Another drink followed by him shifting in his seat. Blake was nervous. I didn't know how to feel about that. "If you don't want to talk about what's bothering you, that's fine. Let's talk about something else. How's your family doing?"

We went on like that for a while, catching up a little. I found myself actually having a nice time with Blake, sort of like old times. Naturally, when I got comfortable was when he asked the question.

"So, are you seeing anyone?"

I folded the napkin in front of me, creasing it along the edge. "Uh, I guess I'm not anymore."

A confused look crossed his face for a second, but it was replaced by a truly happy one. Blake reached out and put his hand over mine. "That's great because I'm not seeing anyone either."

I pulled my hand away, reflexively touching my necklaces. My ex's eyes followed the movement, softening when he noticed my ring and the date on the pendants. "I'm sorry, Blake. It's complicated right now."

"I think I get it." _Doubtful._ "But why don't we go somewhere and talk a little more? The café will be closing soon. We could always go back to my apartment: it's just a block from here. Maybe you can tell me why things are so complicated."

Part of me wanted to say no, but the rest of me wanted to talk to Blake longer. It had been so long since I felt anything close to happiness, and I wanted to hold on to that feeling for a little longer. "You know what? Sure, let's go."

It was a short walk to Blake's apartment, which was accompanied by an easy conversation about his philosophy class. We didn't get deep into the topics, so there was no strain on either side.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Yeah, thanks." I only halfway heard what he said because I was busy taking the room in. It was so... mature. It almost didn't match the boy I used to know and love. I sat on the couch, sighing when Blake came back with two glasses of water and set them on the coffee table. "This is weird, isn't it? I feel like I should-"

Blake kissed me. And for a few seconds, I kissed him back. Then my head caught up with what I was doing, and I pushed him away. I swallowed my guilt that doubled after I thought about what Cas would think about me kissing someone else. My sense of betrayal at prom was nothing compared to that moment. "Blake, seriously, I can't do this."

"You said you weren't with anyone." He moved closer to me, but not so we were touching.

"I'm not." _But_ _that_ _doesn't_ _change anything._

"Then there's really no problem, right?" Blake leaned in, focusing on my lips and waiting for me to make the next move. "You don't have to pretend that there's not still something between us." He tilted his head, seemingly reading my mind. "You don't have to feel guilty, Dean. You can express those feelings and do whatever you want. There was a reason you came to my favorite café tonight."

I felt his warm breath on my lips. He smelled like coffee. I started to lean into him but stopped myself, trying to shake myself out of whatever trance I was in. "I'm... I'm not with him anymore, but I'm not over him and kissing you won't change that."

Blake was looking at me like I was stupid. "It doesn't have to. We can have our fun tonight, and you can win him back tomorrow. Dean, no one has to know."

My hands settled in my lap as I looked away from him. "I can't. I can't win him back."

"Why not?" There was a grin tugging at his lips that I could see out of the corner of my eye. "What happened between you two?"

I wanted to be honest with him; I wanted him to understand. "He... committed suicide." The words settled on my chest like an anvil, pushing the air from my lungs.

Blake immediately sat back. "Well shit, Dean. I'm so sorry." He tapped his chest. "That's your anniversary, isn't it? And I'm sure that ring means something too."

I nodded, slipping it off to show him. "It's a promise ring. Cas got it for me for Valentine's Day."

Blake turned the ring over in his hands a few times, my eyes never leaving it. "It happened recently then."

I nodded, taking my ring back. "The day before Valentine's."

"Damn." He watched as I slid my ring onto my finger. For a few seconds, we hung in an uncomfortable silence. "You know," Blake started, drawing my eyes back to him, "when I saw you tonight, I was hoping to get a second chance with you. I regret breaking up with you. I regret everything I said." He laughed. "I thought everything would be easier if we just weren't together. I was too afraid to try a long distance relationship, and I didn't want to put a strain on either of us. And I wanted you to go to college where you wanted. I didn't want you to feel obligated to come to Dalen to be with me when you obviously wanted to stay in Glen Rock." I didn't mention that I was going to college in Northham. He pulled his legs onto the sofa. "But I made a mistake. So I thought this was my chance to win you back. It's too bad that someone else beat me to it."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Blake's hand found my knee. "I want you to know where I stand, even if it doesn't change anything."

I had been over Blake for so long. I'd moved on and almost forgot about everything between us. But the way he was talking, laying everything out for me to see, it made some of those feelings I'd gotten over return. It was so strange. All it took was one touch from Blake to make the numbness that I'd been fighting for months go away. He was a lit candle in the middle of the darkness that surrounded me, giving me just enough light to see in front of me. Deep down, I knew it was only temporary, but I was willing to do almost anything to feel something besides guilt and sadness. Even if this was stupid and temporary and probably a huge mistake, I wanted to try. I was desperate.

I took Blake's hand from my knee. The waters on the coffee table froze; I wasn't sure if that was my doing or his. "I can't promise you a second chance, but I can give you right now. That's the best I can do."

"I'll take whatever I can get."

I pulled him into another kiss, this one gentle. When I pulled away to catch my breath, I saw Cas over Blake's shoulder. He was smirking, his eyebrows raised in amusement. I didn't know if this was okay, but I couldn't ask without looking crazy on front of Blake. Cas didn't look mad, but it was hard to tell.

"Dean?" Blake asked.

Cas nodded at Blake, his smirk slipping from his lips. He looked at me like _Well? Are you going to answer him?_ Then, he rolled his eyes, giving me a small smile. He was gone in a literal blink of an eye.

Blake turned to find where my eyes were. When he faced me again, my breath caught in my throat and an unsettling feeling built up in my chest. "What are you looking at?" His eyes were sparkling. I realized why he seemed different earlier: Blake had matured so much in college. He had an air about him that felt older and more refined. His jawline and cheekbones were more pronounced since the last time I saw him. I felt so young compared to him, even though we were both adults and he was just over a year older than me.

I realized I was staring at him. "I was trying not to get too distracted by you. It didn't work," I admitted, only partially lying.

He let out what I wanted to call a giggle, yet that word really didn't fit him anymore. "Should I apologize?"

This was when I pushed down any reservations about what I was doing. My next words sealed my actions, and I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. "No. What I need most right now is a distraction."

"I think I can handle that." His words were punctuated by a passionate kiss that somehow caught me off guard. I felt Blake smile into my mouth, clearly enjoying the surprised noise I made. He deepened the kiss even more, letting his tongue roam my mouth while his hands did the same under my shirt.

Many breathless minutes passed before I found myself pinned under Blake's body on his bed. He was trailing kisses over my neck and chest, happily leaving marks each time his lips met my skin.

"Dean." I quickly looked to the open door, trying to match Cas to his voice.

Blake shifted on top of me, his hips dragging almost uncomfortably against my own where he was straddling me. "Is everything okay?"

"I... just thought I heard someone."

Blake touched my cheek and made me look back at him. "There's no one else here. I promise that we're completely alone tonight. No one will interrupt us."

That wasn't really what I meant, but I couldn't argue as my attention was quickly diverted back to Blake. His lips were on mine while his hands fumbled around until my jeans were unbuttoned.

Blake's mouth hovered a fraction of an inch next to my ear, his warm breath sending chills down my body. "I want to make up for lost time," he whispered as he rolled his hips against mine. I was thankful that he had unbuttoned my jeans to take some of the strain away. "Should we pick up where we left off?"

•••

I woke up with a massive headache and my whole body in pain, especially my-

"Shit." I looked around the room, seeing discarded clothes littering the floor, and remembered what happened the night before. "Shit," I repeated, rubbing my hands over my face. _I did not just sleep with Blake. I did not just sleep with my ex._ "Damn it." I was well aware that the apartment seemed to be empty, which I was thankful for. I couldn't imagine facing Blake after... that.

I quickly got dressed in the clothes that were mine on the floor, feeling the guilt and shame that had left me last night stronger than ever. Not finding Blake anywhere in the apartment, I searched for my phone instead. It was sitting on top of my folded hoodie with my necklaces and ring. I touched where the metal band usually sat on my finger. I forgot that I'd taken them both off before we left the living room and stumbled into Blake's bedroom.

I had a couple dozen missed calls and texts from my friends and even more from my sister. I hadn't even thought about them with everything happening so quick. But I saved those messages for my walk of shame back to the hotel. For now, I checked my most recent texts.

**F** **rom Blake** **Riley** **:**  
**S** **orry** **I** **had to skip out on you. I had a morning class today**

**From Blake Riley:**  
**You can make yourself something to eat if you want.** **There's** **plenty of stuff in the** **fridge** **and cereal in the cabinets. If you leave before I get** **home lock the door**

 **From Blake Riley:**  
**I hope that you'll come see me again before you leave ;) I missed that**

 **From Blake Riley:**  
**And** **I** **really missed you**

_What the_ _hell_ _did_ _I_ _do?_ _Why did_ _I_ _think this was a good idea?_

I shrugged on my hoodie and put my necklace and ring in my jeans pocket. I didn't deserve to wear them. On my way back to the hotel, I read all the texts and listened to all the voicemails everyone sent me. They were all pretty worried by the time they got back around one and couldn't find me. Jo even threatened to send the cops out after me if I didn't get back by noon. Luckily, I still had about three hours until then. I sent her a quick text to tell her I was okay and on my way to my room.

I found her there by herself, despite not having a key to the room I shared with Adam, Benny, and Zayn.

"Thank God." My sister pulled me into the tightest embrace of my life. "I was so worried about you. You just disappeared after spending the day upset and wouldn't answer your phone. I was so worried that something happened to you or that you- that you did something bad." She was crying, and the pit in my stomach got deeper. While I was having sex with Blake, my sister and all of my friends were worried that I'd killed myself. "I didn't want to overreact, but I didn't know what to think. I was ready to call the cops. I was ready to call Mom and Dad. Dean, I'm so happy you're okay."

"I'm sorry I worried you. Did you stay here by yourself?"

She let go of me and shook her head. "Zayn went to go get us lunch a few minutes ago. Where were you?"

I took off my hoodie and sat on the bed I was sharing with Benny. "It's kinda a long story and..." I trailed off because Jo was staring at me. "What?" Jo frowned, pointing to her neck. I started blushing, completely forgetting about the hickeys Blake left all over me until that moment.

"Don't tell me you went to see-"

"Blake," I admitted, shame creeping into my voice. She had already pieced it all together, so there was no sense in trying to hide it from her. Besides, they weren't the first marks from Blake that she'd seen on me. It happened frequently when we were together.

"Don't tell me you-" I didn't answer. "Oh my God, Dean."

I stood to face her, suddenly extremely aware of every mark left from the night before on my body, especially the ones my sister couldn't see. "I didn't go to see him, though. We bumped into each other by chance, and things just sorta... happened."

There was a hint of disgust in her eyes, which I understood. I couldn't believe what I did either. After everything with Cas... It was like I didn't care about him anymore, but I just wanted to get rid of the ache in my chest. Admittedly, I didn't do that the right way, and I made things worse. "Just put your hoodie back on. And if anyone asks, you left to take a walk, but you forgot your room key and your phone died. Luckily, you ran into a friend from school, and you crashed there until this morning."

It was amazing how far my sister would lie for me, but I knew it was based on her disappointment this time. I really couldn't blame her, though. I was ashamed of myself too. I had made a huge mistake. I wanted to put the day before in the past, but it ended up being just another moment to haunt me as I tried, and failed, to move on.

My fling with Blake stayed between me and my sister, and it never went any further. Despite Blake's request followed by multiple texts, I didn't see him again on that trip. If I could help it, that would be the last time I ever saw Blake Riley.

 


	42. May

●Dean●

  
When I got back from New York, I locked myself in my room more than usual. I completely isolated myself, to my parents' dismay, who thought I was doing better. Better wasn't the word I would use after what happened with Blake. The only time I left my room was to go to school, something I had to do with just two weeks before high school was over. That was the one bright spot: knowing I could close this chapter of my life and start over in Northham.

•••

I threw my bag down beside my bed, one hundred percent ready to take a nap before I realized what day it was. Sam was still at baseball practice, and I felt bad because I hadn't wished him a happy birthday yet. I decided to wait until he got home in about an hour; until then, I got out his presents and put them on his bed. I never got around to wrapping them, so there was just a leather-bound journal and an expansion deck for Cards Against Humanity on my brother's neatly made bedspread.

Unusually motivated, I went to Jo's room instead of my own to talk.

"Hey, Dee." She marked her place in her book, patting the space beside her.

I happily laid down on my stomach, my chin resting on my crossed arms as I let out a long breath. "It's been a while since I've heard that one. You and Sam haven't called me Dee since we were kids. You know, after you stopped hating me and actually thought of me as a brother."

Jo ran her fingers through my hair. "Do you ever wish we could go back to those times when our biggest problem was dealing with each other?"

"Yes, sometimes." I shrugged. "On the bad days, I wish I could go back and redo _everything_. I wish I could enjoy more of our childhood. I wish I could spend more time with you guys instead of going to the dorms. I wish I could stop Cas. I wish I could stop myself from dragging him into my life. Sometimes I wish I could stop John from bringing me to Glen Rock, bring Sam here and keep me." I closed my eyes, suddenly aware that I was actually saying all of this aloud.

"I didn't mean go back to change things." I looked at her, wanting her to go on. "If you did, you wouldn't be Dean, just someone who looks like him. Changing things would change who you are."

"But Cas would be alive." _Maybe Cas would've been happy with someone else in Glen Rock like Harrison had I never stepped into his life._

"Dean." The way she said my name made me nervous. I felt like I was in trouble. Maybe I was. "You can't do anything to change what happened, so when are you going to try to start living again? You were doing so much better, then you stopped talking to everyone." Her eyebrows furrowed together in concern. "Why are you pushing us all away? That's not going to help; it's not going to change anything or bring Cas back. All you're going to do is lose more people, so why are you doing this?"

I sat up, choosing to face this and my sister rather than run away like I usually did. "Because I feel so fucking guilty."

"Is this about Blake?" When I didn't answer, Jo let out an exasperated groan. Then, she walked out of her room, coming back just a few seconds later with a pissed off expression. "You don't seem to want to listen when everyone does this the easy way, so here. Let's try it like this." Jo crossed her arms over her chest. "Cas is gone. You two aren't dating. Even before he died, you broke up with him. You two both made your choices, and now you need to own up to yours. You keep making decisions and sweeping the consequences under the rug, but you can't do that anymore. You can't just stop talking to everyone in the hopes that your problems will go away. You need to face this, Dean. You need to face Cas's death."

I stood so I was facing my sister. "What do you think I'm doing?"

"I think you're trying to ignore it. I think you're trying to pretend that he's still alive because it seems impossible to think otherwise. But you're never going to move on like this."

"Maybe I don't want to move on. Maybe I deserve to be miserable because of what I did to Cas."

She jabbed me in the chest. "That. That is what I mean. You think that wallowing in self-pity is coping, but it's not." Jo scoffed, "If he saw you..."

"What?"

"If he saw you like this, so guilt-ridden and isolated and depressed, it would break him. All he wanted was for you to be happy, you know that. He wouldn't want-"

I pushed my sister away from me. She had edged so close, we were almost touching. "He wouldn't want me moping around? He wouldn't want me to be guilty? No. You keep saying that like you know what he was feeling, but you don't. You didn't. None of us knew what he was feeling because he- he-" The alternating guilt, anger, and sadness fought inside me; anger won this time. "I knew him better than you ever could. He may have said that he wanted me to be happy, but he wouldn't want this. Cas would hate the idea of me moving on. He wouldn't want me sleeping with Blake just a few months after I lost him. He wouldn't want me going to prom with Jordyn when I'd already asked him to go with me. Cas was jealous when I talked to Lisa before we were dating, so you can't tell me he'd be okay with any of this." I walked to the door, unable to continue to my own room though. My hand rested on the doorknob, but all the fight had left me. Opening the door and continuing this argument both seemed impossible. "He was selfish in the end. He was selfish and stupid, and he didn't think out anything in that letter. Trust me, if Cas really wanted me to be happy, he'd still be here."

"Dean, don't-"

"No, just... I need some air."

•••

"Thanks for the presents, Dean." Sam was hovering at my door, not sure if he should come in. I motioned for him to sit down. The conversation with Jo had left my thoughts raw with emotion, but I couldn't take it out on Sam. "How did you know I wanted a new journal?"

I ruffled his hair, which only earned me a miffed look. "You are about as subtle as I am. But I've read some of the things you've written, and I think it's amazing. You've got a way with words, Sammy. Happy birthday."

He rolled his eyes, but he was enjoying the compliment. "Thanks. And speaking of subtle, how are you doing? Dad said you and Jo were fighting earlier."

"It's fine; don't worry about it. Jo and I... We just needed to get a few things off our chests."

Sam crossed his legs, settling his hands on his knees. "Blake?"

I squinted at him. "How-" I decided not to ask. "Are you sure you don't have super hearing or can't read minds?"

"I think it's just strength and invisibility." There, I got him to smile. "Like I've said, you're a pretty open book that's easy to read."

I pressed my palm to my chest. "You think I'm pretty?"

Rolled eyes and a head shake. I'm on the receiving end of all kinds of teenage sass today. "Don't change the subject. We were talking about Blake."

"Well, you were." And there's Sam's signature look: his perfect bitchface. "Fine. What are you wanting to know?"

"Why are you being so hard on yourself? You made a mistake. So what?"

An uncomfortable feeling started at my wrists, which could not mean one thing. I let a small fire blossom on my hand while I talked, and the irritation under my skin started to fade. Sam glanced at the fire but didn't say whatever was on his mind. "Even though I'm not still with Cas, it's like I betrayed him. He'd be so disappointed in me."

"Yeah, cause Cas is such a great role model when it comes to decision making."

I frowned. "Don't be so hard on him."

Sam's expression made it seem like I circled myself into the argument my brother wanted me to make. I noticed I used the same phrase that he did. Clever boy. "Again, so why are you being so hard on yourself? If you can take up for Cas when he did things much worse than you, why can't you give yourself a break? You've forgiven Cas; don't you think it's time you forgave yourself?"

"I'm working on it."

Sam shrugged. I guess that was good enough for him. "I just think Cas would have forgiven you a long time ago." He pointed to my nightstand. "And he would probably want you to wear those again." He was talking about the ring and necklaces that were on my alarm clock. "You know, whenever you're ready."

He was right, but I was done thinking about the sad things for now. I stretched my leg out to nudge Sam's. "What about you? Have you been forgiven yet?"

He shook his head. "Madison still won't talk to me." Sam was having girl trouble. He went to a movie with Madison a few weeks ago as friends, then went to play laser tag with a girl named Jessica, also as friends. Except he never made it clear to either that it wasn't a date, so it wasn't fun when they found out about the other's not-date. Jessica had mostly forgiven Sam, but Madison could hold one hell of a grudge. Another problem was that Sam didn't want to go on a date with either one of them because he had a thing for them both.

Which I loved teasing him about. "But you still don't like either of them, right? They're just friends."

"Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about."

His phone buzzed in his pocket to signal a new text, which he quickly answered. "And who was that?" I asked as I watched Sam, his eyes and fingers never leaving the screen.

Sam blushed. "Jess."

I kicked him again. "Go on, Romeo, your Juliet is waiting for you. Or is she your Rosalind?" I shrugged. "I guess that depends on Madison, huh?"

Sam pocketed his phone. He repeated, "Shut up," before his notification sounded again.

"Get out of here. I don't want to see you until you've got both of those girls talking to you again."

"Fine," my brother sighed, turning himself invisible. I shook my head, but I kinda walked into that one. He waited until he completely dissolved into the background, which only took a few seconds, before he spoke. "Do I still have to go if you can't see me?"

"Go fix your problems." Sam laughed, and my bed readjusted to the sudden absence of a teenage boy. "Bitch," I called after him, pretty sure he hadn't made it out of earshot yet.

"Jerk." That, at least, put a smile on my face.

I laid down, taking the jewelry off the nightstand and holding it above my head to look at. Eventually, I put the ring back on my finger and the necklaces resting back on the hollow of my throat.

Downstairs, I heard Mom yelp then launch into a lecture about Sam being visible when he came into the room. I couldn't help but laugh along with my brother.

•••

_Three minutes until_ _the_ _bell. Just ninety-three minutes left of_ _high_ _school._

This last day was dragging on as slowly as possible. Every other senior was feeling time move like molasses today too. We were still two weeks from graduation, but this was the official last day of class before all the graduation practices went into full swing.

_Two minutes._

I couldn't shake the feeling like someone was watching me, for good reason. I turned to find a familiar pair of eyes on me, which, strangely, didn't surprise me. For the past month or so, I would feel someone staring at me every once in a while during third block. And every time, I'd find him looking at me. He never averted his eyes when I caught him. He never looked ashamed. He never said anything to me.

Until today.

He seemed to move before the bell rang, standing in front of my desk right as everyone else stood.

I gave him a tight smile. "Fergus."

"Crowley," he corrected. I knew this, of course. He just really hated being called Fergus. "Dean, we should talk."

"I'm kinda in a rush."

Crowley grabbed my arm. "This won't take long. Please."

"Let go of me." He did, though reluctantly. "Talk quick."

He leaned in, and I got a breath of strong cologne. "You need to be careful. I don't know what's going on, but something bad is about to happen. Something bad is about to happen to you."

I grinned. "Yeah. I'm going to get in trouble for being late to orchestra."

"No, Dean. You don't understand. My father-"

I held up my hand, stopping him. "Listen, I don't know who you are. I don't know who your father is. And really, I don't care. Whatever the hell you're talking about isn't my problem. Thanks for the concern but I have bigger problems than a bad feeling you have. Now get out of my way. I have a class to sit through that's going to piss me off and make me upset because it's the last day and remind me that my boyfriend isn't going to graduate with me in two weeks."

I brushed past Crowley. He tried one last time, calling, "I just need you to listen to me." But I didn't. I had a class to get to.

I was given a surprise during that last hour of my high school experience. I was called down to Ms. Terry's office, so I expected many things to happen: I wasn't going to graduate, something happened to my brother or sister, I was being offered another therapy session. What I didn't expect was for her to hand me a yearbook.

"I already got my yearbook," I told her. I tried to hand it back, but she shook her head with that stupid smile of hers.

"It's not yours."

Sure enough, engraved on the front cover was a name that wasn't mine. _Castiel_ _Novak._ I touched my pendants without thinking. "But- Why?"

"We noticed that you didn't come to the signing we had for Castiel, so we wanted to give you another chance. Plus, we thought it would be a good idea for you to give it to the Novaks." I didn't know who _we_ was, but I was strangely grateful to them. My own yearbook was filled with sentiments from friends and teammates and band members that I've become close to over the years. I really wanted to read the stories everyone left for Cas.

"Thank you." I gently touched the cover, feeling like I was just given something great. The yearbook wasn't mine; I'd have to give it back to Cas's family, but that could wait until after graduation.

When I got back to the band room, I borrowed a pen and wrote something on the first blank page of the yearbook. I had to find room for my short message, but I didn't want to leave my mark from the book.

_You already know_ _everything_ _I could ever tell you. I_ _love_ _you. I hope you_ _know_ _how_ _much._ _xDean_ _._

I ran my finger over the other words written in colorful ink. Most of the first pages were covered in halfhearted sentiments from classmates who never knew him; when I flipped to the back pages that were designed for signatures, I saw the same things. Simple statements like _I_ _wish_ _we_ _got to_ _know_ _each other better_ or _You did amazing with the solo in_ _orchestra_ or _You'll_ _be_ _missed_ littered the papers. You could tell how well someone knew Cas by their parting words to him. I spent the rest of the class period pouring over every word written in the book. Some stories made me smile, some made me sad, some I remembered, some were new. I didn't understand most of the more personal portions, but I loved reading them all the same.

_I'll_ _never forget how you grew flowers in Isaac's shoes when you heard him being a sexist prick towards me or the sound of your laughter when Elijah would tell bad jokes on the field. You were such a bright spot in the alto section, and I'm glad that_ _I_ _knew you. I hope you're at peace, wherever you are. And_ _I_ _hope you're not hogging the ice. ;) -Alaina_

_I never_ _would've_ _passes MA without you._ _I'll_ _never_ _look_ _at lungs the same way again. Thanks for everything. Hannah_

_I was rooting for you two the whole time #CasDean_ _#Castean_ _#Destiel I promise_ _it'll_ _catch_ _on. xPaisley_

That one almost brought me to tears. Paisley was one of the freshmen in Cas's section, but I didn't know she was wanting us together too. It seemed like the whole school wanted us to start dating. I sighed, going back to the yearbook. Finally, I found our friends' messages. I was pleasantly surprised.

_I always called you Clarence because you reminded me of the angel from It's A Wonderful Life. I don't know why. But I guess you ended up being more like George._ _It's_ _too bad you_ _didn't_ _have your own guardian angel._ _I just want you to know that_ _I_ _miss you. It may seem like_ _I_ _don't care most of the time, but_ _I_ _did care about you. I wish_ _I_ _would've seen what was happening before. But I did,_ _didn't_ _I? I saw that lightning in Bridgedon. I'd give anything to go back and change things. -Meg_  
_P.S._ _Benny_ _and_ _I_ _are going to try this long distance thing. You and Dean didn't have a change to even try, so I'd feel selfish throwing us away because of time zones._

Right under Meg's was Benny's, then Adam's.

_Thank you for all the help in English. I hope you know how much we all miss you, especially Dean. He really loves you. Benny_

_The dorms are so quiet now. What I'd give to hear your stupid complaints or weird midnight thoughts again. You were an awesome roommate, despite being an_ _ass_ _in the mornings. I'm going to see Guardians of the Galaxy this weekend, and I just wish you were coming too._ _I'll_ _have a milkshake for you tonight. I know they were your favorites. Adam_

I skipped around to find Jo's, a little disappointed that it was just a sentence. It was enough, though.

_Thanks for taking care of my brother. Jo_

Down in the right-hand corner was Harrison's. I'd had my hand over it all that time.

_My first impression of you hasn't_ _changed_ _since the moment I saw you on the first day of school. You've always been strong and powerful and brilliant and beautiful. You were mad at Dean that day, wouldn't even talk to him, but_ _that's_ _not what caught my_ _attention_ _about you._ _It_ _was_ _your_ _eyes and the way_ _they_ _seemed to be hiding some kind of secret. Sometimes_ _I_ _think about how different things would be if your feelings toward him_ _hadn't_ _changed._ _But_ _mostly,_ _I_ _think about the_ _boy I_ _knew. The one who carried Skittles in his band uniform and ate them during breaks, which caused his reeds to turn rainbow-colored. (Like you,_ _you would_ _joke.) The one who would smile as he_ _watched_ _football games, not knowing what was going on beyond my_ _narration_ _._ _The_ _one who bit his lip when he_ _thought_ _and_ _rolled his eyes_ _constantly_ _. I think about_ _the_ _boy I_ _cared_ _about_ _more than I would admit. But_ _I'm_ _admitting it now, only when it_ _can't_ _do any damage with you_ _and_ _Dean. I thought_ _you_ _should_ _know_ _. I miss you. And I miss having chemistry with you, even if it was only the class. xHarrison_

I couldn't bring myself to be mad. I knew I wouldn't be judged for being upset, but it didn't feel like a problem anymore. Harrison was saying goodbye. Like he said, it wasn't going to hurt anything now. Anyways, it was pretty hard to stay mad at him for caring about Cas, even if it was more than I'd like.

On the same page as my message was Charlie's, just a few inches to the left.

_I'm_ _so angry_ _and_ _sad and guilty, and_ _it's_ _all_ _because_ _of you. I miss you, Cas. I want you back, and I want to slap you for being_ _so_ _stupid. Everything changed when you came to Glen Rock, and everything changed again when you left. The thing is, though, that first_ _change_ _was good._ _Why_ _did you_ _have_ _to leave us? How could we not see that something was wrong?_ _I'm_ _so sorry. I love you. Charlie_

But the most surprising thing I read wasn't written by any if them. I almost missed it, squeezed between two senior sentiments like it was done last was a two word letter that made my breathing stop.

_I'm_ _sorry_ _. -Kevin_

_•••_

That was the first night I dreamed about Cas in a while. It was just a few short moments that didn't make sense.

First, he was sitting on a table, fingers tapping on the surface as sparks of lightning glanced off the wooden top. Then, he was walking towards me in just a pair of dress pants. He was laughing, but it sounded hollow and fake. Right before I woke up, I saw him holding his hand to my cheek, his mouth close to mine. "Everything is going to be okay," he told me. "I've got you."

But that was just the beginning.

Night after night, I saw Cas before I woke up in the kind of dreams you don't forget in the morning. Snippets of out of context conversations I never had with him. Simple movements I didn't realize I missed watching him make. But stranger still. Him fighting blurry figures. Lightning surrounding him everywhere he went. An edge to his voice that I'd never heard. And his eyes.

That was one thing I could never remember upon waking. I knew there was something wrong with his eyes, but I didn't know what.

I caved after a few days and told my parents about the dreams. They said it was just emotions from graduation, like Mary's death always dug up emotions that manifested in dreams. It made sense, but I couldn't fight my discomfort every morning. The dreams felt real. Of course, that meant real nightmares had to come into my life to make the misery complete.

•••

Dad took me and Jo home after our last graduation practice, which was odd. Apparently, he took off the rest of the day.

"Now, Dean, don't be mad."

I glanced at him from the passenger seat. I had been happily watching the road go by when he said that. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because of what's at the house."

"What _is_ at the house?"

Dad's hands tightened on the steering wheel. "It's John."

"Oh, fuck no."

"Dean!"

I threw my hands in the air. "Oh, sorry. You've got a wanted criminal in our house, but I need to watch my language."

Jo leaned forward. She hadn't said anything since we got into the car, but she was speaking up now. "Dad, are you serious?"

"Kids, please. He's leaving right after graduation."

"He shouldn't be here in the first place!"

Dad glared at me when he stopped at the next red light. "Son, do you think I invited him? I don't even know how he knew when graduation was. But he's here. There's nothing for us to do about it."

Jo met my eyes. She was just as dumbfounded as I was. "Yes, there is. Call the police. What happens if someone finds out that he's here?"

Dad rubbed his temple, not saying anything until he parked the car in the driveway. "I don't know what to do, okay? He told me that he would disappear right after he saw you graduate. Dean, the man just wants to be there for you."

I unfastened my seatbelt so I could turn to face my dad. "Well, it's a little too late, don't you think? Where was he when I graduated from elementary school or the eighth grade? Where was he on my first day of high school? Where was he at my first concert or football game or field show or wrestling match or baseball game? Where was he when I was growing up, Dad? That's right, _he wasn't there_. You were. Mom was. You were the ones who raised me. You were the one to teach me to shave and drive, the one I would make Father's day cards for in the fourth grade, the one who had awkward conversations with me in middle school. You were the one to teach me how to play baseball and football and gave me that talk that scared me so much I couldn't look you in the eye for a week when you caught me sneaking out with Blake to watch a movie at midnight on a Tuesday. You were the ones who were always there. You're my dad, not him. He dropped me and Sammy off with two strangers and some girl who hated me, and you were the ones who accepted us and loved us. I don't want him there, Dad." I watched him for a second, but I couldn't read his expression. "I want him to be in prison so he can't hurt anyone again."

Dad nodded. "Let's go, then. Jo, could you wait in the car and call the police while we stall?"

The only problem was that all the fire in me died out when I saw John Winchester, well almost all of it. I didn't think I could go through with facing him after all this time, but I almost set him on fire when he pulled me into a hug.

"Dean, my boy. You've grown up so much!"

I had to stop myself from doing and saying a lot of things. We were here to stall, so I had to play nice for now. I settled on gritting my teeth and replying, "It's been a while."

"How's Sam?"

"He's good."

"His birthday was a few weeks ago, right?" I nodded. _What kind of person doesn't remember their son's birthday?_ "How old is he? Eleven?"

"Fourteen."

Dad stepped in, obviously handling this better than I was. "John, would you like something to drink?"

"A beer would be great."

Dad's thin smile said _hell_ _no,_ but aloud he said, "I'm afraid we ran out last night. How about a soda?"

John steered the conversation to my graduation, and eventually my dad led us outside. It didn't make sense until I heard the sirens in the distance. Dad pulled the concrete pad around John's feet, all the way up to his shins. He knew John would try to run from the cops again, but effectively stopped him.

"You're making a mistake." John was getting panicky. "Please don't let them come for me." But the sirens were already at our front yard. "Please, Bobby." He realized Dad wasn't budging and neither was he. He sighed, turning his head to me. "Dean, I came to see you. I came to talk to you."

"Well, you're about ten years too late for any of that."

The police were here, coming around the sides of the house. "No, you don't understand." Handcuffs were being put on him, the special kind that took away powers. "Castiel Novak," he spat out as the concrete was returned to its original position.

" _What_ _did you just say?_ " There was no way he could know about Cas. John knew nothing about my life. Hell, he didn't even know how old Sam was. So how did he know anything about Cas?

Despite being dragged away, I heard John's next words perfectly. "Your boyfriend, Castiel. He's still alive."


	43. What Really Happened

○Cas○

I shut off my phone and slipped it into one of my shoes with my necklace. I stood up and took a few steps into the lake, marvelling at how quiet my mind was. I wasn't in pain, I wasn't thinking, I didn't see a single bolt of lightning. I wondered, briefly, how long I could hold my breath. I'd never really tried. Hopefully, it wouldn't be very long. I wanted to keep this peace as long as I could. I didn't want my mind to start up again. I was waist deep in the water before I dove further down.

_Dean_ _wouldn't_ _want this._

_He_ _doesn't_ _care. None of them_ _do_ _._

_There's_ _another_ _way_ _._

_No. There_ _isn't_ _._

Turns out, I couldn't hold my breath for very long after all. Already, my lungs were burning.

_Stop this. Get out_ _of_ _the_ _water_ _. Come on, fight._

_Why?_ _There's_ _nothing_ _left_ _to_ _fight for._ _It's_ _over_ _._

_Damn it, Castiel. Fine._ _I'm_ _going_ _in after you._

My eyes closed as I felt the last bit of air leave my lungs. Then there were a pair of arms around my waist, pulling me upwards. The contact surprised me so much, I sucked in a mouthful of water. I was dragged out of the lake, coughing up water, before it could do any real damage. I knelt on the ground for what felt like hours while my body tried to get rid if all the water in my lungs. Minutes passed before I even acknowledged the person who saved my life. I wasn't sure if I should be thanking him or not.

"Who are you?" I coughed out, spitting more lake water into the grass.

The man smiled. "Let's get you somewhere warm and dry first. Then I'll give you all the answers you need."

I shouldn't have trusted some man I just met who wouldn't tell me who he was, but he just stopped me from dying. That either proved he was a good man or that I didn't care about what happened to me. Maybe both.

The man started texting someone, and I watched as a dimensional zip appeared. I squinted at the silver portal that led into what looked like a living room. "Why are we using a zip? Are we going to the _debilis_ world?"

The man laughed. "No. This is just easier. My wife has control over the different dimensions," he explained. "After you."

So I did as the stranger said and took a step into a room that could be literally anywhere without asking. I definitely didn't care about what happened to me. Waiting for us was a woman with bright red hair and lipstick, a tight black dress, and a thin pressed smile.

She started talking, an obvious accent that I knew sounded familiar. "Oh, good. We were afraid we were too late. Leave it to my son to tell us you were going to die half an hour before without any other details."

"Sorry, what?" I looked back and forth between the man and woman. "Who told you? And who are you people? Why did you save me?" My head started pounding again. I could already feel the lightning itching in my veins.

"You have a lot of questions." I stared at the man, wanting him to answer just a few. "As for why we saved you... Castiel, there is something special about you."

I sat on the nearest chair, pressing my fingers to my temple. "There's nothing special about me. I just-" I hissed, feeling the pain shoot down my spine.

"I'm like you." His light brown eyes met mine. They softened into a pale yellow as he touched my shoulder. Suddenly, the pain went away.

"How? What did you do?" My fingers flew to the base of my spinal cord, completely in shock.

"I just cleared your mind. That's what you wanted, yes?" I nodded. "It was just a matter of rearranging a few thoughts and brain signals."

"You can control minds?" Michael had this ability, but he could only use it for smaller commands. _Go take out the trash, stop talking, miss a step going down the stairs_. My brother was powerful, all it took was one word and he had control over you, but he couldn't dream of what this man could do. To be able to control the actions of the brain on a neuron level, not just simple movements but automatic functions and thoughts like breathing and pain and... wow. I'd only heard of _paratas_ as powerful as this.

"Yes, Castiel, but it's more like mind _suggestion_. I can't make anyone do anything they wouldn't want to without completely draining myself. All I do is take the feelings and desires that are already there and enhance them. Like your pain. You wanted it to be gone so desperately; you just didn't know how to get your body to react. Along with minds, I can control fire. I know. That's not as interesting or as... well-hidden as my other ability." _He was keeping his mind control a secret. Why?_

"You said you were like me. What did that mean?"

The man sat down on the sofa facing me, his wife directly behind him with her hands hovering on the cushion above his shoulders. "They called me unstable too, but I don't think that really fits either of us. I prefer to think of it as being too powerful for our current society to understand." He leaned toward me. "We have the potential to do something great, but not the guidance to harness these extraordinary abilities. I taught myself, though. I want to teach you."

I blinked in disbelief. Was he being serious? "I can learn to control my powers? I can be normal again?"

"You will be so much more than normal, Castiel."

I looked to the redhead, silently asking her if this was real. She nodded. "Are you... Are you unstable too?"

"Oh, no," she laughed. "I just fell in love, had a son."

I nodded to myself, remembering something else. "How did he know I was going to..."

"My son can predict the future- sometimes. He can also manipulate dreams, but that isn't important."

"Rowena, he has been very helpful."

I repeated her name, glad to finally answer that question, "Rowena." She smiled. "And what's your name?" I asked the man.

His soft yellow eyes hardened into something strange and unnatural. I recognized a shift in my mind, like a gear being moved that started a chain reaction. It resulted in a fuzzy feeling and a wash of calmness over me. I almost didn't hear his response. "I'm Azazel."

°°°

It was afternoon before I woke up the next day. I looked out my window, expecting to see the courtyard outside Dean's dorm. All I got was trees as far as I could see and a hollow pang at the thought of Dean.

_I can't believe he broke up with me. Everything was fine just a couple days ago. It doesn't make any sense. I wonder what he's thinking right now. I wonder if_ _he's_ _looking for me. I-_

_Fuck_ _._

I ran down the hallway to find Azazel alone in the kitchen. Rowena had mentioned something about needing to go back for a while, so I guess she was going to her son. Azazel was staring into his drink with a solemn expression. His eyes were still yellow. _Were they ever not yellow?_ "Azazel, I have to go home. My family, my friends, Dean... They all think I'm dead. I have to go back. I have to-"

"Castiel, it's fine." _Click._ Another shift in my brain's gears. "I took care of everything."

"They know I'm alive." But I knew that couldn't be true. It's not like Azazel could go tell them. He was a wanted- _click._

"They think you're dead. I made sure of it. Everyone wanted to find you," he explained. "The police made it to that lake and found your shoes and phone. They were searching the water when I got there." He tipped his head, taking a drink out of his coffee mug. "They think they found a body. Your family thought they saw you, but they didn't of course. All it took was a few decisions and an empty casket weighted enough to not be suspicious, and your family will handle everything else. I'm sure it'll be a lovely funeral."

"But, Dean-"

He actually looked sad now. Or maybe that was disappointment. "Oh, Castiel. Dean will be just fine. Trust me, he needs this push." Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I had a feeling I knew what kind of push Azazel was talking about. He told me all about it before I went to bed in the guest room.

Azazel smiled into his drink. "Are you drinking coffee at two in the afternoon?" I asked.

"I need my energy," he replied cryptically. "Did you think about my offer?"

Last night, Azazel told me about his plan he shared with John and Mary Winchester. How they wanted to make the world a better place by getting rid of the _paratas_ who were _evil_. Like the three who murdered Azazel's parents. They wanted to eliminate certain bloodlines, the ones prone to be dangerous, the ones who killed in cold blood or raped or tortured. After their world was _pure,_ they wanted to rule over it as kings and queen. They wanted to lead the whole country, rather than having mayors controlling their individual cities on their own like it was now. They were backed by an extensive underground revolution that was only known as The Righteous. Azazel made it sound so normal with his silver tongue and practiced speech, but it was wrong. They were killing innocent people because they had a certain power, claiming they had evil in their genes. They wanted people to pay for crimes they haven't committed yet. He killed Mary because she was standing in his way. I couldn't possibly join him.

_Click._

I smiled, feeling my body enveloped in warmth. "I would love to help you, but I'm not sure how."

"You will soon. I will help you control your powers. I will help you become stronger than you could ever imagine. Then we can work on a little revenge, huh? I think you've got a few people who need to be put in their places. You can decide who they will be once The Righteous take over."

"What do you mean?"

"Levi, Kevin, Charlie, Adam." Azazel's eyes darkened around the edges. "Your brothers. I know that they treated you like shit growing up. You can finally give them what they deserve."

I folded my hands on my lap. "And what about Dean?"

"You know that we need him; he's important to the plan. You and he, along with my son, will take up the mantle of this new era. You three will lead as kings." I must not have looked happy about that because Azazel smiled a tight smile. "However, if things become too _difficult_ with him in the picture or if he becomes a liability, I will let you do as you please with him. Good, bad, whatever."

I frowned, "Why do you need him specifically? Why not another kid? Why not Sam?"

"Sam is," he watched me, probably gauging my reaction, "impure. Just like his filthy mother." Azazel closed his eyes in an effort to wash away his disgust. "But we need three to lead this new world," _one can't lead alone because that will_ _end_ _with corruption and acts that only benefit one,_ _and_ _two_ _will_ _never have another who can settle disputes,_ "and I would prefer to have John's son as one of those leaders. If not," he sighed, "we will make do with another. I have someone in mind from the east coast. Abby is not my first choice; she's a fighter, not a leader, yet she can be if push comes to shove. She is definitely better than her twin brother, Az."

I picked up an apple from a bowl on the table. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten, and my stomach was protesting. "Okay, I understand. You want to cut bloodlines that are dangerous, so the world is safe. You want to have a new generation lead with your assistance. That..." I paused as warmth climbed up my neck in a strangely soothing way. "That makes sense. But where do I come in? I get your son, I get Dean. Why me? Why exactly did you save me?"

"Dean, Crowley, they're powerful but not enough. My son is like his mother: strong but not unstable, as we're called. Dean is on the edge of something great. I have been trying to get to him for years, that's why I enrolled my son in Glen Rock Academy; I believe your death will be the thing that lets him unlock his true potential. But you, Castiel." There was a gleam of pride in his eyes. "You're already there. You've broken away the barrier this world has built and are ready to recreate yourself as one of The Righteous. I saved you because I need you. The world needs you. So, what do you say?"

I took a bite of my apple. "When do we start?"

°°°

I expected to start training right away. I wanted to control my powers so I wasn't relying on Azazel to keep my pain at bay forever. However, he wasn't concerned about any type of training for a long time. Weeks passed in that small house with just the two of us before Azazel even brought it up. My mind needed to heal, he claimed. After Levi and Anna and Michael and Kevin and Dean, Azazel wouldn't let me use my powers until he confirmed that my brain could handle it. If he wasn't helping mend my damaged mind with his own powers, coaxing my neurons into shape, I may never have been able to use my powers again. He did it every few days when the pain returned, rerouting my electrical impulses that caused the aching and pounding while smoothing out the rough parts of my mind that had broke over the years.

I lost track of time, but I knew it was spring when Azazel led me downstairs to train for the first time. The whole basement looked like a sketchy, overstocked gym with treadmills, weights, weapons, an entire row of throwing knives, and too many objects I couldn't piece with a function.

"So," I started skeptically, "how exactly am I going to train without a single plant in an underground room that doesn't even have a window?"

"You're going to learn to use your powers to create, not control." Azazel pointed to the center of the room. "Grow a plant. Any plant."

"Where? There's no dirt."

He only pointed. He watched me for the longest time, what felt like hours, as I attempted to grow anything from the concrete floor. Finally, Azazel sighed. "Obviously you need some incentive." Without moving a muscle, he willed the burning pain to return. I dropped to my knees, holding my head.

"Make it stop," I gasped. "Please."

"When you do as I told you. Overcome the pain, then overcome this obstacle. I will be back; you better have something to show for yourself when I do."

Then he left me, writhing in excruciating pain as I tried to do something impossible. But I did do it. When Azazel returned, I was pressed against the wall with gritted teeth, a single blossom barely surviving in front of me. A smile danced on his lips.

"Good. Now make it stronger." Azazel sat across from me, the small flower in between us. He pointed to the exposed roots that were just stretching out on the floor. "Harden them and anchor them into the ground."

"My head," I whimpered.

"Not yet."

I was crying and shaking but did as he said. Another hour passed before I did it, another hour I wished I would've stayed in that lake a minute or two longer to escape this torture. But there it was: a small daisy with roots as strong as steel buried in the concrete floor.

"Very good. We'll pick this up tomorrow." Azazel pressed two fingers to my forehead, and everything went black.

°°°

We did pick it back up. First thing in the morning, we were back downstairs where I learned to create different plants that could serve as weapons or defensive mechanisms. Azazel was more patient with me that morning; he didn't use his powers against me once and watched me silently from across the room at his most frustrated. Finally, after about four hours, Azazel straightened up.

"Wait," he said. I paused with my hand hovering in front of me in a fist. "That's it. Now, harden them like the roots yesterday." I looked at the vines skeptically. They didn't look like anything special, definitely not something I could protect myself with. But I went with Azazel's order. He stood from his seat, circling around me and the vines like a hawk honing in on its prey. "This will work, Castiel. This," he smiled. "This is perfect. Let's have lunch, then we'll work with the weather. I want to see what your lightning can do."

I think he was expecting a challenge with my weather control, but he was pleasantly surprised. He kept pushing me: first a bolt of lightning, then a bigger one directed at a single point, then layers of ice and frost, then more and more. Azazel's favorite was a hail stone I created between my hands and threw like a baseball into the wall. He worked me until I was sweating and shaking from exhaustion.

Before he sent me to my guest room for the night, he clapped me on the shoulder. "We'll build on this every day, but I don't think it'll take you long at all to reach your full potential. In about a week, we can work on combat."

"Combat?"

Azazel smiled at me, his eyes somehow softening in the centers and hardening on the edges. It was like he was unhappy with what I said, but also amused. "Yes, combat. You'll need to learn to fight both with and without your powers."

I watched him walk into the hall and up the stairs before I followed him. "Why am I going to need to fight? Who will I be fighting?" I could feel a panic rising in my chest, building up and building up until- _click_.

Without looking back to see if I was close behind, Azazel replied, "It's just self-defense, Castiel." I had a feeling that wasn't completely true. "The Righteous, we can attract some enemies. Besides, as a future king, I think you should know how to protect yourself."

"King," I mumbled. Azazel stopped at the top of the stairs, waiting for me to join him before he continued through the house.

"Are you having reservations already?"

"No, it's just... odd. I don't think I'd be a good leader of a class project, nevermind an entire country."

He paused again, this time at my door. "You won't be doing this alone. You will have my son; you will have Dean, if you want. You can have a group of advisors our anything else you need. Trust me, Castiel, you will be a great king."

"I just..." I didn't know how to say this. Azazel watched me carefully, probably already knowing what I wanted to say. "I don't know what it'll be like with Dean. I don't even know your son."

He nodded, at least understanding my concerns. "I will arrange a trip for Crowley soon. In the meantime, you and I will train and prepare. Go rest, Castiel. Tomorrow will not be so easy." He disappeared up a flight of steps to the second floor I'd yet to see. I grabbed some clothes with a sigh so I could take a shower. Today was easy. Of course.

°°°

Azazel told me Crowley would be coming at the end of the month, but I wasn't sure how long that would be. I wasn't even sure how long I'd been gone. Days blurred into weeks, where the only breaks between my long training sessions were lunches and rest at night. Time passed quicker or slower depending on how hard Azazel worked me. But the moments between Azazel's planning and Crowley's arrival seemed incredibly short. Sooner than I thought, he was stepping into the small house from a zip, not being followed by his mother. Rowena and I hadn't seen each other since the night I almost died.

I immediately recognized him from school. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark clothes. He had a haunting look to him that you never forget. "Fergus?"

He rolled those ebony eyes. "It's Crowley, Cas."

"And it's Castiel." Azazel's mouth quirked up, obviously amused by my reaction. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I wasn't about to ask.

"Father told me all about your progress. I'd have to say, I'm impressed." He didn't sound impressed.

The smile he had a moment ago dissolved as Azazel pressed his lips into a thin line. "You didn't think he would be fit to hold a position in The Righteous, but I knew he was." There was a glint in his eyes as he held his son's gaze. "Don't question my judgement."

"Understood." Crowley shoved his hands in his pockets, turning to me. "Would you show me what you can do?"

I smirked. "Gladly." I started to the training room without Azazel and Crowley.

By the time I reached the stairs, I noticed they were still in their places by the door. Azazel was still speaking, and I caught something that sounded like, "Push him." Then Crowley was at my heels, and Azazel slipped into the kitchen.

I waited until he hit the last step before I snaked vines around his ankles, securing him in the doorway. He tried to pull at the plants, but I held him where he was. "That's not fair, Castiel. You have the upper hand."

"I'm always going to have the upper hand." Crowley scoffed. "What? You think you can beat me?"

"Let's step into the block, and we'll see."

Of course, he wanted an even fight. _The block_ was a name for an area that used power blockers, though it typically was reserved for sports. We had our own block in the training area to teach me how to fight without relying on my powers. I stepped back into the fairly large rectangular space and activated the blockers that lined the floor and ceiling with the remote we kept on a nearby shelf.

"I'm always up for a little sparring," I told my opponent. "It'll be a nice break from your father."

"A break?" Crowley took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. "You think you're so great, huh? Well, father dear has been training you for two months while he's been training me my whole life."

He waited for me to initiate the fight, which I gladly did. I threw the first punch that collided with his jaw and earned him a busted lip. Crowley touched where my knuckle split the thin skin at the corner of his mouth and scoffed at his bloody fingertips. "Where did shy, little Cas go?"

"He drowned." I hit him again; this time, he retaliated.

The next few minutes blurred together as the fight went on in a series of punches, dodges, and the occasional kick or elbow to the ribs. It was something between a coordinated fight and a lame teenage brawl behind the school gym. Eventually, it all ended when I swept Crowley's feet from under him. I pinned him to the ground.

"I really _am_ impressed."

I gave him a smirk, helping him off the ground. I switched off the blockers; the feeling of my powers returning to me filled me with bliss. My muscles ached with lightning in an almost comforting way. "So, I have to ask... how's everything in Glen Rock?" I didn't ask what I really wanted to know. _How's my family dealing with my death? How's Dean?_

Crowley wiped at his forehead. "It's going well. The plan is working as we expected, only slower. Dean, he's strong."

"You have no idea," I mumbled. Louder, I said, "What do you mean _the plan_? What _exactly_ are you doing in Glen Rock?"

"I don't think it's my place to tell you."

I squinted at him. "We are going to lead together, Crowley. I think we should be on the same page here."

"Well, it's about us leading." He waited for my confused expression before elaborating. "It's about Dean and his part to play in The Righteous." He watched me carefully as he spoke, almost searching for weakness to show in my face. "It's my responsibility to open Dean to the idea of joining our ranks, something we all want desperately. My father filled me in on his proposition. What are your plans with the eldest Winchester son?"

I stared him down. "I will rule with him by my side, or I will rule with him on his knees."

"Is that a subject _on his knees_ or a sexual _on his knees_?" I rolled my eyes, which Crowley laughed at. "Come on, it's a valid question."

"I haven't decided yet," I responded. "Maybe both." I was joking, but that didn't stop Crowley from becoming visibly uncomfortable.

"TMI, Castiel."

"You asked." I rubbed the inside of my wrist as I felt some lightning flicker under my skin. "Anyways, what exactly are you doing?"

Crowley tapped the side of his head. "I'm planting thoughts into his subconscious."

"You're messing with his dreams." It wasn't a question.

He nodded. "Sometimes his own memories, sometimes the future I've seen for him. I've been trying to break the barrier of his powers, but, as I said, he's strong. You'd think reliving his mother's death and watching the boy he loved die over and over again would trigger something but _no_. All he did was break up with you."

My jaw tightened. "You were the reason he had those nightmares?" I demanded, my voice dangerously low and even. " _You_ were the reason he broke up with me?"

"That was my job, Castiel."

" _And that was my boyfriend!_ "

"It would've happened anyways. Come on. Someone like you with Dean Winchester? It was a miracle you lasted that long."

A bubbling, burning hatred erupted in me. I felt something in my mind being stretched like a rubber band until it snapped, and all I could think about was that hatred. I lashed out, hitting him so hard he fell to the ground. Vines twisted around his body, this time with long, sharp thorns that pierced his skin when he moved.

Crowley winced. "Why do you even care? He's moved on from you."

" _What?_ " I spat.

He had the audacity to smirk. "He's going to prom with Jordyn. That didn't take long," he said as an aside. "Oh," he added, "and the things he's going to do with Blake. Wow, Castiel, it'll be like you were never there."

"You're a liar."

"Am I?" Crowley's eyes turned red, and suddenly, I was watching Dean somewhere I didn't recognize. He was kissing another boy; I didn't recognize him either. It didn't take a genius to figure out it was Blake, though. Then, they were in a bed, practically ripping each other's clothes off.

"Stop." I was back in the training room, kneeling beside Crowley. My hands were shaking. "No, he wouldn't." I turned on Crowley, bringing pulsing lighting to my fingers like an electric current in a taser. His eyes grew wide. "He wouldn't!" I yelled. "You're making this up. It's all a lie."

"It's not. That's a piece of the future. I know it's not what you wanted, but it's real."

I screamed at him, bringing my hand down on his side. A pair of hands pulled me off of Crowley and such a strong force was put on my mind, I crumbled like a marionette with cut strings. I tried to fight the darkness washing over me, but I couldn't. While I slept, my mind was filled with visions of Dean at my feet, begging for his life. My response? _Go ask Blake to save you because I won't._

°°°

It took me an hour to crawl out of bed. My head was thumping along with my pulse, a hammering in my skull that locked me in place. No one came to check on me, but I didn't expect them to. I knew Crowley would be furious, not hurt, but beyond pissed; I had no idea how Azazel was going to react. It seemed like he wanted Crowley to push me. Was that what he was doing? Was Crowley supposed to get into my head like Dean? Or was I twisting things out of proportion? I went in search of answers.

Those answers were waiting on the sofa for me. "Crowley returned home last night. I understand that you were upset by Crowley's ongoing mission."

I folded my arms over my chest. "Yes, I was. I still am. Dean broke up with me because The Righteous' plan. Your plan. Why hurt him? Surely, there are easier ways to draw him in."

"Castiel, you know Dean Winchester. The only way to get him to go down a path is to convince him it is the only way." Azazel's eyes hardened as he propped his chin on his hand. "Though, I'm surprised you are worried about him. Did you not attack Crowley because of Dean's actions?"

I let my arms hang at my sides. "I- I don't know what happened last night. I was mad, but I don't know who I was mad at. I don't know who I'm mad at right now."

Azazel stood, resting a hand on my cheek. "It's alright, my son. Use that anger to further your progress. Use it to further the cause. You can figure out your feelings after things are said and done."

I backed away, shaking my head. "No, I can't- I can't just push the feelings down. This is all I'll be able to think about." I turned my back to my mentor. "I want to, but I can't."

"Let me help." His hand was on my shoulder now, seeping warmth into my skin. I nodded. "You won't have to worry about these feelings until you're ready to face them. You won't have to worry about Dean or your family. It'll only be The Righteous." I faced him again. "How do you feel, Castiel?"

There was a heavy feeling in my head, like pressure from a heavy weight. But at the same time, I felt light, almost as if my body was filled with cotton rather than bone and muscle. There wasn't pain or anger or sadness; there wasn't happiness or bliss, either. I felt so empty. I felt so free. "Better than ever," I told him.

Azazel smiled.

°°°

"I have a mission for you."

I looked up from the plant I was growing over the weights in the corner of the room. "A mission?"

"Yes." He appraised my vines with an unreadable expression. "I thought you were supposed to be lifting the weights, not trapping them."

I frowned, letting the plants shrink back to the roots at the floorboards. "I was, but I got bored. I'm guessing I won't be bored for a while, though." A few steps toward Azazel. "What exactly is this mission?"

"Simply gathering information. Just in and out while everyone is distracted."

"Where?"

"Glen Rock Academy."

I didn't let my shock show on my face. "Why do you need information from the school?"

He wouldn't look me in the eye. Obviously, he didn't want me in on the full plan. "Our first move."

"Okay..." Something occurred to me. "Why can't Crowley get this information?"

"After the... incident with Crowley, he has cut contact with The Righteous. He hasn't responded to my efforts to communicate." Azazel actually sounded remorseful. "We had to change our plans."

"Okay, when am I going?"

"The night of prom."

°°°

Azazel picked the right time to sneak into the records of GRA. Any staff members who were in the school were focused on making sure no one was drinking or having sex in the bathrooms. No one even saw me.

I saw him, though. It was after I had the files on me and I was slipping through a back door. Crowley was right. Dean was slow dancing with Jordyn, and he looked happy. A low growl came from the back of my throat, and the light rain I'd used as a cover turned into a heavy storm. I shoved the files into my bag and rubbed my arms. Lightning was showing through my sleeves, despite wearing a hoodie to prevent that. I knew I was being stupid. I knew how to control my powers, but seeing Dean did something to me. It stirred up feelings I'd been suppressing for a long time. As I made my way to the zip Rowena left in the woods behind the school, I promised myself that I would have Azazel fix what I was feeling. Dean was a distraction, and I couldn't have that. I couldn't let him get to me again. I couldn't lose control like that. Thunder sounded around me in agreement.

°°°

Months had passed since that night I almost killed myself. I was stronger, more powerful, smarter, more confident. We were just a day until our first act that would put our plan into motion. Azazel was happy with how everything was going. Or almost everything. The one thing that was missing was his friend from so long ago. So, on a whim, Azazel reached out. Miraculously, a reply came in the form of a housecall.

I was the one to open the door, finding John Winchester on the stoop. I recognized him from my life in Glen Rock and my months with Azazel. He didn't remind me of Dean, or even Sam who was supposed to be fairly similar to the man, like I expected.

"Hello, John."

As it turns out, I wasn't what he was expecting either. It was obvious that he didn't know what to say or do. "Azazel reached out to me. Is he...?"

"He's right inside, John." I opened the door for him to come in. "He wanted to have lunch prepared for his friend that he hasn't seen for all this time. You're welcome to come in and wait for him. It'll be just a moment."

"Thank you, uh..."

"Castiel."

A look of confusion crossed his face. "You're not Crowley?"

I laughed. "No. You need caught up, I see. Azazel promised that there would be explanations over dinner. For both of us."

"Well, then. Let's not keep the man waiting."

I was surprised by the first interaction between John and Azazel after over a dozen years. I thought it would be awkward or tense. Instead, John pulled the other man into a hug.

"It's been awhile, Aza."

"Yes, it has, John. Long enough for me to almost forget that old name. When was the last time anyone called me that?"

"Our senior year of high school. Those were the days."

Azazel motioned for him to sit at the table, telling me to go get the box he left in the hall. When I returned, the two men were in an intense discussion about the plan that was about to be carried out. John didn't look as happy as Azazel and I had hoped. I cleared my throat, giving Azazel the box. "Thank you, Castiel. Now, John," he said, "I'd like for you to meet this young man properly. He is one of the most powerful individuals I've ever met. Present company included." Azazel smiled at me. "Which is why I've chosen him to take Mary's place as ruler of the West." I barely glanced up at this information. That has always been part of the plan. Crowley controls the east coast; Dean controls the middle of the country; I control the west coast. That's how the original three divided the country in their plans. John clenched his jaw at the mention of his wife's name, but didn't say anything. "Castiel."

"Yes?"

"It's time for you to take what's yours." He handed me the box. I opened it to find that it was a ring box that held three rings in the shape of a triangle. The base ring was missing, but the other two were still present. They both had the same insignia: three triple-sided blades crossed over a star. One was gold; one was silver. I assumed the last ring was bronze. I looked up at Azazel. "The silver one," he gave as an answer to my unspoken question. "It represents the West. Every king needs a signet ring."

"I'm guessing Crowley has the bronze."

"Yes, though it may be passed on to Abby." Azazel was always in a foul mood when he talked about Crowley lately. "And the gold-"

"Dean."

John snapped his head up, staring down Azazel. "No. Azazel I wanted my sons out of this. That is the whole reason I left them with my cousin. Dean will not be a part of The Righteous. Neither will Sam."

Azazel's eyes deepened in color. John straightened his back, never flinching. "You're right. Sam _won't_ ever be one of us. He's impure, all because of that filthy wife of yours. You're lucky he won't be executed. But that's only if Dean joins us. If not, Sam will be treated like any other stain on the _paratas_ kind." He set his hand on fire for emphasis. "You don't want that, do you?"

John tightened his jaw. "No. But Dean won't join you."

"Yes, he will," I told him. "I can convince him." I chose to leave out that it was my decision if Dean lived or died. Azazel wanted John's cooperation. Saying I wanted Dean to pay wouldn't help.

"And how will you do that?"

"Dean was my boyfriend." I let the shock register in John's mind before I continued. "He thinks I'm dead, so once he realizes I'm not... He'll do anything to get me back. He loves me." My words sounded bitter, like I knew that wasn't true. It didn't matter how either of us felt, though. There was always another option if our feelings got in the way of our mission.

"And what if he doesn't? What if he tells you that he won't join The Righteous?" There was something off in his voice. John was afraid. "What will you do then?"

I slipped the silver ring on my finger, smiling coldly at how it glistened in the light. Moving my gaze to John Winchester, I replied, "Whatever I have to."


	44. Graduation

●Dean●

"Are you alright, Dean?" Jo was waiting at my door, unable to put together any words that would make what just happened better.

"I can't believe he would stoop so low." My sister sat beside me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "I can't believe he would try to use Cas like that. To say he was alive. To suggest he was going to hurt me." I shook my head. John's words echoed over and over in my head. _Your boyfriend, Castiel. He's still alive. You have to run; they're coming for you._ He didn't get to say another word. "Have you heard anything?"

Jo shook her head. "He's not saying anything else. Dean, you don't think he could be right, do you?"

"Do I believe my crazy father who has never been honest with me when he's saying someone I love isn't dead? Jo, they found Cas. As much as I want him to be alive, he's not. There's no use in believing more of John's lies."

"I'm really sorry, Dean. I wish things were different."

"Me too."

•••

Sam slid between me and Jo in the backseat of the car. We were on our way to graduation, then a few months of relaxation before Jo and I were off to college. I touched my necklaces. It felt like I was leaving Cas behind, but I knew that was the only way I was going to be able to keep going. I couldn't move on with his ghost haunting me in Glen Rock. My little brother noticed my hand touch the pendants under my gown. "Is Cas's family coming tonight?"

I nodded. We sent enough invitations for the Novaks about a month ago, hoping they would make it. As of the beginning of the week, everyone was coming but Alfie and Chuck. It was too late for the youngest Novak to be out, and Chuck had to work early the next morning. He offered to stay home with Alfie so Naomi could spend her night off in Glen Rock. Anna wasn't supposed to come either, but she begged to. I had to admit, it wouldn't have been the same without her. "They're family, Sammy. Of course they're coming."

Jo reached over our brother to take my hand. "Are you going to be okay?"

She'd been asking me that a lot. "Yes. It'll be like Cas is graduating with us. It'll be like he's right beside me, like he should be."

Mom and Dad got in the front seats. Mom was already crying; Dad was trying to hide his own tears before he started driving. "My babies are growing up."

"Come on, Mom. You know I'm not going anywhere," Jo said with a grin. "I'm just moving a little farther down campus."

"And what about me?" Sam complained. "You act like I'm moving away already."

"Yeah, you're still stuck with them, guys."

The car fell silent as Dad pulled out of the driveway. "We're going to miss you, son."

"I'm going to miss you too." I squeezed Jo's hand and nudged Sam's shoulder. "But I'll just be a portal away. It'll be like I'm back in the dorms again."

We drove the whole way to the school in silence, only the radio playing quietly filled the tense air. This family had found a way to stay together all this time, despite everything. Why did it feel like I was the thing that was breaking us apart?

Maybe I was. Maybe I was being selfish, but I couldn't stay at home after... everything.

_This is supposed to be a_ _happy_ _day, what am I doing?_

I pushed all the negative thoughts aside for later. They'd always be there later. For now, there was a family waiting for me to graduate with my sister. Or... two families. The Novaks were coming up to the school as we got out of the car.

Anna was the first to greet me when we got inside. "Dean!" she shouted, throwing her arms around me. "I missed you so much. Why didn't you come visit over spring break?"

Jo shot me a look, but I ignored her. "Sorry. I'll be sure to come sometime this summer, okay?" I glanced over at Naomi. "If that's alright, of course."

"Dean, you're welcome any time. You make the house livelier, which we need since... you know." Naomi looked away. I knew this was hard for her, so I tried to switch the topic. Tried to.

One of the twins, definitely Zeke, handled that for me by gasping and bringing his fingers to his temples. "Zeke," Gadreel said softly.

"It's fine," Ezekiel replied, but his face went as white as a sheet. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing," Gad mumbled. They had a brief silent conversaion and seemed to agree to not mention this again. Whatever it was, it must have really freaked Ezekiel out. But we all decided to follow the twins' lead and ignore the future Zeke saw. I think we all wanted to focus on the present. After a few minutes of talking with the Novaks and my family, Jo and I excused ourselves to get ready. Our ceremony was planned to be outside, but it looked like rain was coming, so everything was moved to the gym. That meant we had to do a last minute run through to accommodate the change. Even though we had half of our practices inside, just in case this very thing would happen.

Jo and I tried to find our friends, but it seemed like most were late. Surprise, surprise. I did catch a glimpse of Charlie slipping out the side door as we came in, but no one else showed up until we were lining up for the practice. That meant I was stuck with my sister and her boyfriend.

I was getting nervous around the time everyone was filing into the gym. It didn't make sense because I just needed to stand with the last row of kids, not trip, and march to the very simple beat of Pomp and Circumstance. I could stand, walk, and march, or basically just walking again due to how simple it was. There was no need to be nervous.

I heard the music start up from the band inside and caught a glimpse of a panicked Charlie Bradbury blend into the front of the line. There were so many questions but no time to answer them. I took a deep breath and stepped in time with the music. _Step, together. Step, together._ While we made our way to our seats in a slow procession, I scanned the full crowd for my parents and Sam. They were near the front where they would be able to see us receive our diplomas, the Novaks right in front of them. I saw Michael, Lucius, and Gabriel all stand up and leave through the doors we all just came in from. I tried to not let that bother me, but it did. I thought, at least, Gabe would stick around. After what felt like the longest and most boring field show ever, I made it to my seat. There was a buzz of nervousness and excitement as the band finished playing and everyone settled in. When Mr. Harrington stepped to the podium on the platform in front of us, I looked back to my family; the eldest Novaks had yet to return.

"Welcome faculty, parents, and future graduates of Glen Rock Academy. The last four years have-"

He was cut off by a shrill noise that pierced the air. It was followed by the sprinklers above our heads going off. They all went off just as quickly as they turned on. It was enough to spray everyone in the gym so we were misted and uncomfortable. The situation was oddly familiar, but I couldn't place when or where it happened before.

Mr. Harrington was frantically talking to the faculty behind him, trying to get some explanations. He read something on his phone and went back to the podium. "I apologize for that. There seemed to be a brief electrical malfunction in the sprinkler system. I just was alerted that there is no danger, so everyone can remain in their seats and enjoy the ceremony. Now, why don't we begin with a welcome from the senior class president, Jo Harvelle?"

It took a moment for my sister to reach the microphone, but I couldn't blame her. The white gowns that she and I, along with every other member of National Honor Society, were wearing were starting to stick to our bodies. The red gowns were too, but they weren't as translucent as the white. Jo looked uncomfortable, but she started speaking anyways. "Dear guests. I want to welcome you all here to celebrate-"

Another fucking interruption.

This time by a clap of thunder and the burst of the doors to the gym opening. "Sorry, Joanna," a voice practically growled from just a few feet behind me. I stiffened up. _No._ "I'm going to have to stop you there."

○Cas○

It was such a nice spring day when I stepped out of the zip. I almost felt guilty when I had to bring in the rainclouds, but it was necessary. The plan couldn't work if the graduation ceremony was outside. There was a moment of chaos as I watched everyone who was bringing decorations out of the school run back inside when the rain came. I chuckled under my breath, drawing my suit jacket closed over the shirt and tie Azazel gave me _to blend in._ I used that panic to slip inside with everyone who was setting up. I was worried that someone would recognize me, but they were too preoccupied to even notice I was there.

When I made it through the halls of the school, I laughed again. This was so simple. Azazel planned all these courses of action because he anticipated trouble; I literally walked in the front door without being stopped. On to the next step, I suppose. What I was really here for.

Every _paratas_ knows about a special chemical known as _inbecillis_. It's used in hospitals and the police force, but you can also buy it in a diluted version like pepper spray. Even in this weakened state, _inbecillis_ can take away an adult _paratas's_ powers for around ten to fifteen minutes. We weren't going for the weakened version, though.

°°°

"Everything depends on how much _inbecillis_ we create. We just need a small fraction to poison the water, but that will give you a small window to operate in."

"Alright," I said, resting my chin on my hand, "where will I get everything to make _inbecillis_? I'm going to need a lot."

"You won't need anything. Secure the water reservoir, and it will be taken care of. Just text this number." Azazel handed me a phone that only had one contact. "I think it's time you meet the twins."

°°°

Behind the school, almost equal distance between the classrooms and the line of trees was a building that housed all the important aspects of the campus that kept it running. But most importantly, it housed the private reservoir that supplied the fire sprinklers all the water. That was the only thing I cared about.

I pulled the phone out of my jacket pocket and sent a message to the twins. Abaddon and Asmodeous. While I was waiting on Abby's black portal to appear in the treeline, I built a layer of ice around the door's lock. With the metal at an unnatural temperature, it didn't take much to shatter the lock and throw the door open.

There was a slow clapping behind me. Startled, I faced none other than Abaddon and Asmodeous.

"Castiel," Abby said, dropping her hands to her sides. "It's very nice to see you again. I must say, Azazel didn't give us much time to get to know each other the other day." She looked me up and down with a smirk. "And I would _love_ to get to know you."

Asmodeous rolled his eyes. "That's enough, Abby. Do you really think you should be flirting with the future king?"

"Ah, he's not king yet. Besides," she cooed, striding past me into the building, "didn't you hear? Crowley is a traitor. With him out of the way, I'm next in line for his throne. Castiel and I will be equals." She paused, waiting for us to follow her. "Come on," she demanded.

Her twin gave her a teasing bow. "Yes, my queen."

I fell into step with Asmodeous. "You know what you're doing, right?"

"Of course," he snapped. "You may outrank me, but I've been part of The Righteous since I got my powers. I know what I'm doing."

I put my hands up in a defensive gesture. "Just making sure. I'm the one who takes the fall if even one part of this mission goes wrong." I grabbed him by the collar, freezing ice over my hands. "And remember, I _do_ outrank you. I outrank your sister, too. Very soon, your life might just rest in my hands." I looked down for emphasis. "I might not be so lenient then." I let go of him, nodding to the door. "Go do your job."

"As you wish, your Highness." He said that differently than the way he mocked his sister earlier. I wasn't sure if I made my point, but he was done talking. That was good enough.

Abaddon was waiting for us with her arms crossed. "That took a long time. Did you two get distracted? Az, what happened to not flirting?"

"Let's just get this done, Abaddon."

"Okay, okay. Jeez." She held out a card that had the molecular structure of the _inbecillis_ chemical written in scratchy pen. This was why Az was brought along: he had the ability to change the composition of any material into something completely different. All he needed to know was how the materials were structured. With him, every ounce of water in the sprinkler system would become _inbecillis._

°°°

"So what happens after Asmodeous takes care of the water? I can't just pull the fire alarm."

"You need to find a way to set the sprinklers off without making everyone leave the building. This can't work unless everyone stays together."

"Don't worry. I know just the person to help."

°°°

"Are you sure you don't want us to stay, Castiel?" Abaddon gave me a smile, one I didn't return.

"I need to do this on my own. You know that." We all started out of the dim building. Asmodeous went straight for the portal that would take him home; Abby stayed, though.

"Well, if you need anything, shoot me a text." She tucked her long red hair behind her ear. "I'm just a portal away. And I mean _anything_."

"Don't you have your own mission to finish?" _In_ _other_ _words, hell no._

"Yeah. I need to get back what's rightfully mine. The traitor doesn't deserve to have my signet ring."

I patted her on the shoulder. "Good luck."

"You too." And then she was gone, enveloped in a haze of black.

I set my eyes on the gym where the seniors were gathering. It would be so easy to take Dean now, but it had to be later. It had to be when no one could put up a fight; it had to be in front of an audience. Right now, I just needed one person: Charlie Bradbury.

I didn't get too close to the gym because I knew I couldn't prevent one of the seniors recognizing me. Instead, I created a snowflake to float into the room, right in front of the redhead. Her eyes widened, probably remembering the way I used to float snowflakes around Dean when I was in a good mood. She turned and saw me out the open door. I pressed a finger to my lips, going back to the building with the water supply. This needed to be done in private.

Charlie didn't take long to catch up with me. When I got us alone in the building, her arms were around me. "Cas," she asked in a shaky voice, "is that really you?"

I pushed her off of me. "Yes. I need you to do something."

"What? Cas, how are you alive? You- you killed yourself. They found your body. We all mourned you. We thought you were dead!" She tried to hit my chest, but I waved my hand and sent her back with a gust of wind. "What happened to you?"

"I don't have time for this. Will you help me or not?"

"Not until you tell me what's going on and how you're here." She covered her mouth. "What is Dean going to say? He misses you so much. Cas, he-"

I cut her off with wind again, this time straight to her chest. She staggered, and I took that opportunity to wrap vines around her wrists. I pulled the plants down until she was kneeling.

"What the hell, Cas?"

I walked over to her, grabbing her face. "Stop calling me that. Now listen closely, Bradbury. You are going to go back into that ceremony like nothing happened. You are going to say nothing about me. And you are going to set off the sprinklers like you did the first day of school when everyone is in the gym. You are not going to ask questions because I don't owe you anything. Do you understand?"

She jerked her head back. "Why should I? You left us all, _Cas_. You _faked_ _your_ _own death_ and let us all mourn you for months. You broke our hearts, and you're only coming back now that you want anything. You know what? Fuck you. I'm not doing anything you want because _I_ _don't_ _owe you anything_ after all you've done."

I took off my suit jacket and rolled up my sleeves. Lightning was flickering in my veins like it was the blood pumping through my arms. Charlie's eyes widened in fear. She tried to get away from me, but she was trapped by the vines. She was lucky there were no thorns to break into her skin.

"What's going on? What's wrong with you? Is this because you were unstable?"

I pressed my palm to her forehead, kneeling down in front of her. "Listen one last time. You are going to set off those sprinklers after everyone sits down for graduation. On, then off. If you don't..." I trailed off. Lightning flecked off my arms in arcs, trailing close to the girl but never touching her. She was breathing too fast to be taking air in. I knew that the last time she saw a situation like this, I almost killed Kevin Tran. "Well... I'll have to go with plan B. And that means that everyone will die, starting with Dorothy and ending with you. Then, I'll take what I came here for." Charlie started crying. "What will it be? Will you help me so no one dies or will you continue to defy me and have hundreds of lives on your hands?"

"Fine," she cried. "I'll do it. Just please tell me why you're doing this. Why, Cas?"

I took my hands off of her. "There's something that belongs to me that I need back."

"What?"

"Dean Winchester."

"He'll go with you if you just talk to him. You don't have to go through all of this."

"I have to be sure. He won't like what I want him to do, and I can't leave him here. These are just precautions."

Charlie let out a heavy sigh. "You're not going to hurt him, are you?"

"I'm going to do what's necessary." I dropped the plants to free her. "Now, go. There isn't much time to waste."

I let her run off before I left the building. She just made it to the other seniors as the music started. I caught a glimpse of Dean, but it was as he walked inside the gym. I didn't miss the fact that there was no pang of guilt or sadness or even anger. Azazel did a good job with my mind this morning. No emotions were getting in the way today.

All there was left to do was wait.

Or not.

I think I felt their presence before I saw them. There was always some type of alarm that went off in my head whenever my two oldest brothers were near, and now was no exception. Gabriel was with them, slightly behind Michael but in front of Lucius.

Before they got too close, I stopped them all with my vines. Lucius disappeared from sight, but I knew he was still trapped. There was no way his powers could help him. I turned my attention to Michael, who was closest to me. He saw my arms, still not believing that I was alive. 

My oldest brother held up his hands in front of him in a peaceful gesture. He looked terrified, which was refreshing. "Ca-"

I didn't even let him finish my name. If Michael could speak, he could control me. It didn't matter how strong I'd gotten because Michael was too powerful. He would have me under his spell before he finished his sentence. My only advantage was cutting off his airway. With a flick of my hands, all the air around him became thinner until he could've been at the peak of Mount Everest. 

Michael gasped. He clutched at his throat and clawed at the plants around his legs. I walked around him, studying him like a cat prowling the edge of a fish tank. He was trapped and was running out of oxygen. My brother didn't have much time. "You feel powerless, don't you? You feel small and weak. You know that there's nothing you can do to stop me from doing whatever I want to you. Do you see the irony?" I shook my head, a gesture he probably couldn't even see judging by the shade of him face. He had just seconds. He had just enough time for me to tell him what I'd always wanted to. "Well, big brother, I'm in control now." I watched as he dropped to his knees and tried to say my name. His eyes rolled back into his head as he fell face first into the grass. "It's too bad you'll never get to meet your baby."

Then, something hit me. The bubble around Michael burst, causing the air to return to normal. I staggered, but stayed on my feet, glancing for Lucius who must have broken through the vines somehow. Another punch landed on my face, this time, hard enough to split my lip. I wiped at the blood and swiped my arm across the open air, filling it with a flurry of snowflakes. They stuck to every surface, including my brothers.

Gabriel started wiping at the flakes, but he was the least of my concerns. I didn't let Lucius register what happened. I immediately froze the ice crystals into a layer on his body that stopped him long enough for me to knock him onto his back. I pinned him down: my hands and knees digging into his hips and shoulders, a thick vine materializing around his throat, wrists, and ankles. I tightened them for good measure, making Lucius choke. With all his focus on breathing, he turned visible again. I grabbed his face with one hand, digging into his collarbone with the other. "This is to repay you for everything you did when we were growing up. Every time you tripped me." The vines tightened. "Every time you and Michael got me into trouble." Tighter. "Every time you pinned me down just like this just to scare me." Tighter. At that point, my brother was writhing under me, sputtering and trying to break the vines that were tethering him to the ground. "Every time you used your powers against me. I don't think Gabriel put you in your place."

He had the nerve to laugh at me. "You're trying to use Gabe against me. That's rich with what you're doing, what you did to Mikie! News flash, Cassie, Gabe's about to put _you_ in your place."

He wanted me to ask what he meant to distract me; I wasn't that stupid. I tightened the plants one final time before I was pulled off of Lucius.

"Gabriel," I said mildly, brushing off my hands. I wasn't afraid of him. Yes, he was powerful, but he couldn't lay a finger on me or my vision if he was dead. All three of my brothers were useless compared to me because I knew exactly what they could do. I knew their weaknesses. They couldn't imagine what I was capable of.

"Cas," Gabe warned me, his voice deep and cautious. He just witnessed me overtake both our older brothers, the strongest in our family. "Stop this. Whatever you're doing, stop. Let's go home. We all miss you. Mom and Dad miss you. Anna misses you. Damn it, Cas. Anna misses you so much. Please. Whatever happened with Dean-"

I pushed a gust of wind towards him, pinning my brother against the wall of the gym. He started gasping for air, his lungs unable to function properly. While he was still pressed to the surface, I created cuffs of ice around his wrists and ankles to anchor him down. 

"Don't," I spat at him. "Don't say another word."

Before I could stop him, Gabe's eyes started changing colors. They flashed purple, yellow, and pink in a cascade across his irises. With every pulse, I felt a emotions that I hadn't let myself feel in months rise to the surface: happiness, calmness, love. 

Then, I couldn't see anything. I kept my fists clenched, trying to fight everything Gabe was throwing at me. Every once in a while, he seemed to be slipping, but he held strong. Longer than it should have taken him, Gabe began assaulting me with memories. 

Christmas and birthdays and random moments throughout our lives. Card games with my brothers and Dean. Ice skating with Anna. Cuddling under blankets with Dean. Cooking with Mom. Cook outs with the whole family. Trips to the beach. Playing hide and seek with Aunt Amara. Holding Alfie for the first time. Kissing Dean against the counter as we baked.

I threw out my arm, not meaning to do anything in particular. I just wanted it to stop. Everything hurt. My vision came back to me, and I found Gabriel slumped against the wall, hanging by his wrists. I don't know what I did, but I was done wasting time. My brothers were just a distraction from my goal; the distraction was gone now. Charlie had enough time to set off the sprinklers. There was nothing stopping me from getting what I came for. I summoned some thunder and opened the doors.

I interrupted someone speaking. "Sorry, Johanna. I'm going to have to stop you there." I smiled, lifting my hands to the _inbecillis_ soaked crowd.

●Dean●

"Cas?" I whispered. _No, it couldn't be him. Cas is dead. He's-_ _He's_ _right there._

In my shock, I almost missed Cas raising his hands and freezing the water from the sprinklers around everyone and trapping them with some kind of plant until they were completely covered to their shoulders. Everyone except me.

"You really are alive," Jo said to herself. I could hear it since she was still by the microphone. I knew what she was thinking. _John was telling the truth._

Cas smiled. It made me so uncomfortable because that wasn't my Cas. There was a wild look to him: blood smeared across his mouth and chin, styled hair toussled in a crazed way, dirt covering his knees and hands, lightning flickering through his arms. There was something wrong with him. "Obviously. And sorry Jo, but I'm going to have to steal Dean over here." He started up the aisle I had just marched down. His smirk returned as he watched people struggling in their seats. "Don't try to use your powers... or go ahead, I don't care. The water was _inbecillis_. You can't stop me even if you tried."

"Cas," I breathed again. "You're... You're alive." I made my way through the row of chairs, stepping over the tangled plants. Vines, the plants were vines. "Where have you been? What happened to you?"

I reached out to touch him, and he grabbed my wrist. "This isn't about me. I need you to come with me."

"What?" My mind wasn't comprehending any of this situation. "No, you need to explain what happened. I thought you were dead, Cas. I want to know how you're still alive and why it's taken you so long to come back."

"You wouldn't believe me if I did explain." Cas dropped my hand. "But if you come with me, I will. We're hoping you'll join us, work with us, lead us."

"I'm sorry? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Later. Right now-"

"Cas!" Both of our heads turned to Anna, who was trying to escape the plants around her. She was crying, calling for her brother. "Cas, please!"

His eyes hardened. Oh, God. His eyes. All of my discomfort from my dreams rushed back to me. This was why those dreams felt so wrong. This is what was wrong with his eyes. The beautiful blue was gone. They looked like John's, or how I remembered John's eyes from my childhood. They always looked green, a pale green that was like someone added too much yellow paint to a baby blue. Yesterday, though... John's eyes were blue.

Cas caught me staring at him, at his green eyes. He scowled, darting his eyes back to his sister. Leaves grew to cover her mouth and stop her yelling. He did the same with the rest of our families.

"What are you doing?"

"What I have to, Dean. Now, let's go."

"No."

He smiled. "Your father was right. You are _annoyingly_ stubborn. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"I'm not going anywhere with you." I motioned around the room. "Look at what you're doing, Cas. Whatever this is, whatever my father has to do with it... I don't know what happened to you, but you're not my Cas."

He closed his eyes, walking past me. He went into the stands to where our families were sitting. "I tried this my way. I tried to convince you to just come with me. Now, we're doing this _his_ way." Cas stepped up to my brother, lacing lightning between his fingers like an electrical pulse in a taser. His hand hovered barely an inch above Sam's heart. "If you don't come with me willingly, I'll kill your brother." He looked back to me. "Then I'll move on to your sister, then your parents, then your friends. And anyone else if you still refuse."

"Okay, I get it." Sam was shaking his head, pleading for me to say no. "I'll go wherever you want. I'll do whatever you want. Just leave my family alone."

Cas walked back to me. No, he stalked back to me, like a predatory cat. "That's better. Go." I took a few steps, and that appeased him long enough to turn back to the crowd. "You all will be the messengers for Glen Rock. You will leave today knowing what I am capable of. Know that there is an even more powerful force backing me. And I will return." Cas faced me with a soft smile. Apart from the blood and lightning, I could almost see the boy I loved. "We both will return. When we do, our home will be the first to be purified for a new world. Go out today and spread the word. The Righteous is coming." He threw open his arms, sending snow throughout the gym as a cover for our exit. An exit I was forcefully pushed though.

"Stop!" I shouted at Cas. "I can walk on my own. Just tell me where..." Oh, God. The second I stepped outside, I saw them. Michael, Lucius, and Gabriel. The two eldest Novaks were laying on the ground, not moving. Gabriel was hanging limply from the side of the building. Ice and vines littered the area like there was a fight. "What did you do to your brothers?" I couldn't breathe. I felt sick.

Cas barely glanced at them. "They were in my way." He scoffed at the look on my face, nudging Michael's side with his foot as he passed him. "They were trying to stop me, so I stopped their hearts."

"You killed them?"

"Let's go."

I was so angry at him. I was so angry for the Novaks. I threw myself at Cas, tackling him to the ground. "You killed your brothers! How could you? How could you be so heartless?"

"Me? I'm the one who's heartless, Dean?" He licked his lips, tilting his head. He didn't try to get me off of him. We had time before his elaborate trap inside unravelled, so he was in no hurry. "I'm not the one who broke up with you when you needed me the most!" He squeezed his eyes shut like he was in excruciating pain.

"I did it for your own good." _What was going on? What was wrong?_ "I didn't think any of this would happen. I was trying to protect you, Cas."

"Why would you think that breaking my heart would keep me safe? I loved you, and you didn't care! You never did!" He struggled under me, but even without my strength, I overpowered him.

"I do, Cas," I assured him. "I loved you, and that's why I did it. I still love you. I-"

He suddenly found a burst of strength and threw me off of him. While I stumbled to my feet, he got his bearings and clutched at his head. "Shut up! I knew this was a mistake. I knew you were a mistake. But Azazel had to have you."

"Azazel? What did you just say?" I tried to grab Cas, but he stopped me with two vines around my wrists. He pulled me down until I was kneeling in front of him.

Cas ignored me. "I knew this would end with you on your knees." He squatted down so he could look me in the eye. One hand behind my head, one on my chest. "Now that you've decided which side you're on, your life belongs to me."

He was going to kill me. The lightning under his skin stretched to his wrist that was pressed to my heart.

Cas hesitated. I decided to take a chance, to get through whatever was clouding his mind. "Go on then. You want me dead, so just do it already! Kill me, Cas. Kill me, and leave everyone else alone."

"I'm not going to kill you. Not yet." His hand went from the back of my head to my cheek. "Not until you know the truth."

"The truth?" Cas smiled cryptically. His horrible green eyes pierced into my own. "What's wrong with your eyes?" I asked, unable to resist anymore. I couldn't get over the way his pretty blue eyes were changed to an unnatural green.... Like yellow was added to the original color.

_No_.

Cas said something about Azazel earlier. It didn't make any sense, but one of his most defining traits was his yellow eyes. If he somehow had an influence over Cas... I didn't know how, but Cas was acting so strange. He was acting like John used to.

"Is Azazel controlling you, Cas?"

His face fell. "Azazel is _helping_ me. I think it's time that we left. You need to meet him."

"No. No, I'm not going anywhere near the man who killed Mary. He killed my mother, Cas. I can't- I can't go with you! Azazel-"

Cas covered my mouth with his hand, bringing lightning to the other. "Shh... Everything is going to be okay, Dean. I've got you." I saw a flash of blue, and then everything went black.


	45. Captives

○Cas○

"What are we supposed to do with him now?" Azazel hadn't taken his eyes off of Dean since I carried him through the zip and into the basement. There was an icy edge to his yellow irises, one I couldn't explain.

"Why did you bring him here like that?"

I frowned. Just yesterday, Azazel was behind me doing whatever I needed to get Dean under this roof. Now, he was criticizing my methods. "He wouldn't come willingly. Like John said. I thought I could get my revenge by telling him the truth about his parents. Maybe that will break him, and he will join us."

"And if not?"

"Then, I believe we have a deal? I get to decide his fate."

Azazel's cold eyes finally turned to me. "You'll kill him?"

I felt a tug in the back of my mind, but the sensation was covered by a numbness that reached my spine. My fingers twitched at my sides. "Yes, but not until after he feels my pain. Not until he knows what he did to me."

"Very well." He turned away from me and Dean. "You might want to secure him, though. I imagine he won't be very happy when he wakes."

"Yes, sir." I pulled vines around his legs, arms, and stomach where he was propped against the wall. As another precaution, I set up the block to prevent Dean from using his powers.

"And, Castiel?"

"Sir?"

"Keep an eye on him. And you should bring out the thorns. Just in case."

I hesitated. Without his powers, there was no need to grow thorns from my vines. Dean wasn't going anywhere.

"Castiel." Any softness that could've been in Azazel's voice was gone. I felt a heavy pressure on my mind, pushing me to use my powers.

I took a labored breath. "Yes, sir." With that, I pulled sharp thorns from the surface of the vines. Even from across the room, I could see how they pierced Dean's skin through the dress pants and dress shirt that was under his discarded graduation gown. I didn't flinch like I expected to.

°°°

Hours passed without so much as a twitch from Dean. I began to wonder if I put too much voltage into that shock I gave him. The only thing that showed he was alive was his shallow breathing.

Azazel left me alone that whole time, giving me plenty of time to think. I hadn't had much time to actually think about what was going on since I first left Glen Rock. It all felt like a blur. Fighting, training, research. All for this.

All for one man.

Nothing could begin until we had Dean. I watched him carefully, trying to find what was so special about him. Not so long ago, I could've done this easily; I've suppressed those thoughts, though.

He was powerful, there's no denying that, but many other _paratas_ were powerful. He was strong beyond his physicality. He was very attractive, but I was sure Azazel didn't take that into consideration. Was it just because he was John's son? Could Azazel really be offering The Righteous' throne simply on sentimentality? Was he not afraid of what Mary's blood would do to Dean's credibility?

Why was Dean so important? Why was he the one who would sit in the central position in the new world of The Righteous?

Dean's head rolled forward, the movement startling me. I sighed and knelt in front of the block's barrier.

"What is so special about you, Dean Winchester?" I received no answer, obviously.

I frowned, not liking the feeling in my chest as I watched Dean. Trying to force that breathlessness out of me, I looked away from his face. My eyes settled on the vines wrapped around his body and the thorns that were drawing blood from his skin. A wave of guilt washed through me.

_What am I doing to him?_

I pressed my hands to my face, almost growling when lightning shocked me. Dean's voice filled my head, bringing with it that familiar pain from so long ago.

_Look at what you're doing, Cas. Whatever this is, whatever my father has to do with it... I don't know what happened to you, but you're not my Cas._

I squeezed my eyes shut.

_You killed your brothers! How could you? How could you be so heartless?_

"No, no, no. Stop it. Leave me alone!"

_I was trying to protect you, Cas._

I let out a whimper. "You didn't protect me. I hate you. I hate you, Dean. I hate you so much."

_I loved you, and that's why I did it. I still love you._

I dropped to my knees, settling onto my butt. My hands were wrapped around my head in a feeble attempt to push out the pain.

Two hands pulled me off the ground. "Castiel, pull yourself together." I looked into Azazel's bright yellow eyes, struggling to breathe. "You're causing a thunder storm outside while you're having a meltdown. Get a grip before Dean wakes."

"He's in my head. I- I can't _think_!" Dean hadn't even stirred throughout all this. "Make it stop. Please. Please, Azazel. I can't stay calm or do anything you want with all these- these feelings inside me." I knew he could feel my panic, something that went beyond his powers to read my mind. It was as if I was radiating crazy.

"Alright, my son." He pressed two fingers to my forehead. "But you must learn to handle yourself around Dean. You cannot rely on me forever, my king."

I nodded, sitting on one of the tables across from the block. I almost missed the unreadable smile Azazel wasn't trying to hide. There was something he wasn't telling me, but the numbness from his powers was settling over my mind. As I waited for Dean to wake, I felt everything else wash away. I didn't even remember that sly smile by the time Dean spoke for the first time in the morning.

 

 

●Dean●

Someone was watching me. I could feel the way their eyes were boring into my face, just waiting for me to wake up. That was the first thing I noticed. The next was the horrible pain throughout my body, like I was being stabbed with a hundred needles. I forced open my eyes and tried to move, but that just hurt more than sitting still. I focused on what was holding me, letting out a frustrated breath as the pieces fit together.

"You're awake," a voice said from across the room. I jumped, hissing as the thorns on the vines tore into my skin.

"Yes, I'm awake. Cas, what the hell?"

He laughed, a hollow sound that was devoid of any actual joy. "That _is_ the question, huh?" He tilted his head, clearly just toying with me. "I guess we'll have to get to the answers soon enough. But you'll have to wait until our friend gets back. I have to admit, you have some pretty lousy timing. You stay unconscious for almost eighteen hours, but you can't wait one more until Azazel returns."

"Eighteen hours?" I whispered. "I've been gone for eighteen hours? Why hasn't anyone found me yet?"

Cas laughed again. "The police have been trying to find Azazel for over eighteen _years_. They're not going to suddenly find this place after eighteen _hours_."

"This is where Azazel has been all this time? He ruined my family's lives then hid himself away here?"

Cas tapped his fingers impatiently on the table, and small blue sparks bounced from the impact. There was something familiar about that, but I didn't know why. "You're so behind. I wish I could just tell you now, but that would ruin all the fun of watching you suffer, knowing you've been fed lies about your parents your whole life."

I couldn't believe Cas was enjoying my pain. "You don't know anything about my parents," I spat.

"I know so much more than you." There was a sound from above us, maybe an upstairs floor to the building. Cas's unnaturally green eyes lit up. "It's your lucky day. There's the man of the hour."

I watched him walk away, leaving me alone. Huh. Great plan. Leave your captive who has enhanced strength alone in a prison made of plants.

I pulled at the vines, waiting for my muscles to respond and for the plants to shred to bits of green confetti. Nothing happened. I tried again but gave up when I saw familiar white disks a few feet away from me.

Power blockers. They were using power blockers to keep me here.

I threw out my arms as far as I could, mostly in frustration. All that did was tear bigger holes in my shirt and cut deeper into my skin. 

Cas returned on his own, leaning back against the table he was sitting on earlier. He just watched me like a cat stalking it prey. I realized that I'd be exactly that if I stayed here: Cas's prey. I needed to find a way out of here. Brute force didn't seem like an option since my powers were disabled, so I went with the next best thing. I stalled for time until I came up with a plan.

"Cas, what's going on?" I asked him, letting him hear my panic. "Where's Azazel?" His name burned my mouth like acid, but I had to face him eventually. Cas didn't answer me, so I tried a different angle. "Why are you doing this? This isn't you."

He smirked, striding over to the barrier and leaning on the wall the block was pressed against. "You want me to tell you the big plan, right? You want me to fill in all your missing puzzle pieces in your head so you finally understand why Azazel killed Mommy and drove Daddy insane? Oh, speaking of Daddy, he is currently rotting in a cell for all the things he did before you were born. It doesn't look like he's getting out any time soon." Cas shrugged. "Thought you should know."

"You mean, all the things Azazel did, all the things Azazel made him do."

"Aw, how sweet. You still don't know anything about your parents. They weren't decent people like you think they were. John killed people. They broke so many laws. Sure, they said it was only when absolutely necessary, but how many times can you kill before it's for your own enjoyment?" He had to be lying. I knew about the stealing and fraud and breaking and entering and even the assaults, that's why I wanted John to be arrested. But murder? My parents might not have been the best, but they wouldn't have killed anyone. Right? "Do you want me to go on? Should I fill you in on all the dirty little secrets your family hid away? Do you want to know how Azazel's parents were murdered and John and Mary watched as he became unstable? How they hid it from everyone? Do you want to know how it was your parents' idea to find those killers and get revenge? This was their mission."

"What mission?"

"The one to purge the evil from the _paratas_." A cold chill ran down my spine. That's what John always told me he was preparing me to do. "They wanted to start with the _paratas_ who killed Azazel's parents and go on to every other _paratas_ with tainted blood. Invisibility, umbrakinesis, multiplication, and teleportation. Those were the powers they would start with, but they would move on to any other power that proved to be evil. Those bloodlines, those genetic codes, had to be wiped out. They needed-"

I interrupted him, forgetting about distractions and escapes for a moment. "Do you realize how stupid you sound? There was no way my parents thought this. For God's sake, my own mother had invisibility."

Cas leaned towards me. "And she turned on Azazel and John and their mission. Do you not see it? Mary was the bad guy all along."

"Why am I here, then? You said- You said you needed me. Why?" _How am_ _I_ _supposed_ _to_ _get_ _out_ _of here?_ _There's_ _no way_ _I_ _can break through these vines without my strength._

 

 

"Azazel wants you to lead our purified world as king. With me and another, of course."

I froze. Azazel wants me to _lead_? Was Cas serious? "What do you mean?"

"Answers will come later. But you should know that when you're given a choice with those answers, your life will depend on what you choose."

He started to leave again, but I called out to him, "Cas!" He hesitated. "You said _Azazel_ wants me to lead. What do you want?"

"Well, let's just say that I'm the one who decides what to do with you if Azazel and I don't like your choice." His hands twitched with a familiar spark of lightning that I knew was supposed to be a threat. All I could see, though, was the nervous Cas I loved.

"How are you okay with this?" I mumbled, not intending for him to hear. "How far under his control are you?"

"I'm doing this of my own free will," Cas snapped, a bit defensively. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have things to attend to. I enjoyed talking while you tried to get free, but trust me, there's nowhere to go for you." He flashed me a smirk that left me drained the most out of everything that had happened. I had a feeling that he was right. There was nowhere for me to go. There was no escaping this.

○Cas○

"He's getting anxious down there," I warned. "He's trying to get answers. He's trying to figure out how to escape."

"Castiel, are you nervous?"

"No." Even if I was, I couldn't tell Azazel. I couldn't let him think I was losing faith in him. Which I wasn't.

Azazel smiled gently. "It's okay to have some reservations about this." Yeah, I forgot he could read minds for a minute. "You know firsthand how powerful Dean is, but you don't need to worry. You are stronger than him, especially while he is powerless. He won't be leaving until he is on our side and we both want him to."

"He's asking questions, some that I can't answer. What am I supposed to do?"

Azazel placed his hand on my back, guiding me to the kitchen. "Let's have lunch. While we eat, we can discuss this problem. We'll go talk to the boy together and tell him the truth."

"Everything?" I asked. Knowing everything could hurt Dean, and I wasn't sure if that was the right move. Yes, this could be our chance to break him, for him to become unstable. Something didn't feel right, though.

I closed my eyes, shaking the thoughts out of me. Dean was getting in my head again.

"We will talk about that later. First, lunch."

 

 

°°°

I followed closely behind Azazel until he continued to face Dean. I pushed aside the random things on the table and sat on the surface. Dean ignored Azazel, focusing on me.

"You sure took your time. I was starting to think you faked your death again and ran away with a new psychopath."

"Glad to see you haven't lost your snark."

"Boys." Azazel glared between us, a warning look that I knew better than to argue with. Dean wasn't as smart.

"I'm sorry, you deranged lunatic. Do you not like the way I'm talking to Cas?" Dean pulled at his restraints. "Well, I don't like the way I mourned the death of someone I love while he was playing king with Voldemort!"

Azazel laughed at Dean, sitting in front of him with a tight smile. "This is what I like about you, child. You're a fighter, deep down. You remind me of your mother... before she let her impurities consume her."

"Don't talk about her."

"But that's what I'm here to do." Azazel spread his hands out in front of him. "You wanted answers, yes?"

Dean glanced at me. Whatever was written on my face seemed to make up his mind. "Yes."

"Good. Let's start at the beginning." Dean tensed up, balling his fists at his sides. He was already expecting the worst. "John and Mary were friends with me long before my parents were murdered in front of me, but they were the only ones who stayed after it happened. Everyone said I began changing; they called me unstable and began to fear me. For years, I was haunted by the vision of my parents, so the three of us decided to bring them justice. The police had never caught the three people who killed them, but John, Mary, and I set out after graduation to find them. And we did. It took so long, but we finally found them. Then, John and I killed them." Azazel rubbed the back of his neck. "Mary didn't like the fact that we had to kill two bystanders, but we had to do what was necessary. She wanted us to go our separate ways after that, after we achieved our goal, but John and I knew there was more to do. Those three were just a few of thousands who had evil in them. To murder a couple in front of their kid, just for a few hundred dollars. It's astonishing, Dean, how flawed our mind is. Your father and I wanted to bring these people to justice, so we began to hunt down those who had committed violent crimes and put them down. While we were doing this, we began to see a pattern: repeated powers that emerged on every list of offenders."

"Invisibility, umbrakinesis, multiplication, and teleportation," Dean guessed.

"To name a few, yes." Azazel watched Dean for a moment before continuing. I couldn't begin to guess what was going on in his mind. "Those were the highest numbers, though. By far. We realized that those powers were inherently evil and needed to be ended for the benefit of all _paratas._ To have a pure, good world, we needed to eliminate the evil. Once we did that, we could rule this new world to keep balance and purity in the country. That was always our goal: peace, prosperity, and purity with your parents on thrones on either side of me. But first, we had to get to that perfect world. And we made progress for years without your mother's knowing.... Then, you came along, and everything changed. I thought our dream of a better future would end with your life beginning, but I found like-minded people. We started The Righteous on the foundation of our original plan. It took four years to build a suitable following, but I came to your parents once I had enough to convince them. I brought a new proposal, though. Rather than a reformed country led by us, a new nation would be created and raised with the help of our children. Their two boys and my son, Crowley."

"Crowley? Fergus MacLeod is your son?" Dean started laughing. "That son of a bitch. I should've listened to him." He shook his head. "Whatever. Go on with your tragic backstory."

"Your father agreed to raise you two as Righteous. We, of course, didn't know of your brother's impurities." Dean pulled hard at the vines, looking like he wanted to claw out Azazel's throat. "Your mother didn't agree."

"Shocker." I had to suppress a laugh, but Dean saw that I was struggling and smirked at me.

"Yes, so I killed Mary. I'm sure you remember that."

Dean's amusement disappeared. "Vividly."

"I thought so. We can skip that part, then." Azazel paused, simply for dramatic effect. "John was ready to fall apart, but I needed him to hold on enough to raise you and your brother. The world needed that. So, I used my powers to keep him together."

"Not with your control of fire, obviously. That was the thing that tore him apart. So, what else can you do that you've kept off records somehow?"

"I can read and manipulate the mind."

Dean hummed, glancing at me. "Interesting. And I suppose you forced my father to train us for our special purpose in your underground cult."

"I didn't force John to do anything. I just kept his mind together long enough for him to do as he agreed. When he came to me and told me that he gave his sons up so they could be _free from the burden we were putting on them_ , I stopped helping him. He left shortly after that to live with the _debilis_ with the request that I left you and your brother alone."

"But you didn't."

"John made me a deal; he couldn't get out of it in a moment of weakness and doubt."

Dean closed his eyes, resting his head against the wall. "Are you finished?"

"Yes."

"Good." Dean stared unblinkingly into Azazel's yellow eyes. "Let me just tell you that you are a disgusting, hypocritical asshole. You want to make the world a better place? Plant a tree, build houses for the homeless, do literally anything else but murder people. Not only are you a hypocrite, you're a dick. Also, you can't just assume that _every_ bad person has certain powers or that _every_ person who has a certain power is bad. My brother is an angel, and one of his powers is invisibility. Correlation does not equal causation, you asshat. And if you think I'm going to join your crazy murder boy band, then you haven't been stalking me well enough. Go find yourself a new king because I'm not interested."

Azazel stood, brushing himself off. "I like you, Dean."

"Sorry, you're not my type."

Azazel's hand shot out, shutting Dean's mind down with a simple movement. "I like you, but you talk too much." Dean struggled but between my plants around his body and Azazel's hold on his mind, there was nothing for him to do or say. "I'm considering a new deal, okay? If you join The Righteous and become a devout member, we will spare your brother and your makeshift family. If you refuse, they will be the first to die in front of you, starting with that disgrace of a boy you call a brother. This deal is a one time offer and will become void with any snide remark from you. Understood?" When Dean didn't reply, Azazel growled again, "Understood?"

"He can't talk, sir," I said quietly.

Azazel sighed and lowered his hands. "Am I understood?"

Dean let out a shaky breath. "Yes."

"Will you join The Righteous?"

Tears sprung into his eyes. This decision was killing him, but Dean would do anything for his family. "Yes."

"Very good." Azazel started out the door, having gotten what he wanted. "Come, Castiel. We have work to do."

I made eye contact with Dean. My chest ached at the sight of his battered and weary body. "Yes, sir," I complied, following after Azazel.

 

 

°°°

"What do you want?" Dean snapped at me when I returned to the basement a few hours later. "Have you come to deliver more of your boss's threats?"

"Azazel left for a meeting with the Council of The Righteous a while ago. Won't be back until morning." I sat down, sliding a bowl of soup inside the barrier of the block. "I figured you would be hungry."

Dean waved both his hands. "While I'm glad you're finally deciding to feed me after _a day_ of holding me against my will, I can't exactly move."

"Sorry." I retracted the thorns into the vines and loosened their hold on Dean. "That wasn't my idea."

Dean eyed the bowl of soup skeptically, but his hunger won out. "It doesn't sound like any of this was your idea. You just get to decide if I live or die." Dean lifted the spoon to his mouth. "Though, I don't think Azazel was ever going to let that happen."

"This isn't the wrong side of this war, Dean. You have to understand that."

"There's no war, Cas. This is just one power hungry asshole who's willing to sacrifice whoever he needs to be on top. That goes for us too."

I shook my head. "He needs us. Crowley saw the future, and Azazel needs us."

"Then, why did he tell you that you could kill me if you wanted?"

_Damn. I never_ _thought_ _about_ _that._ "I don't think he ever thought I could."

"Because you still love me."

Pain shot down my spine. I clenched my teeth, digging my fingernails into my palms with a hiss.

"Are you okay? Why do you keep doing that?"

I couldn't answer him. The throbbing pain was spreading to my chest.

"Oh my God."

"What?" I snapped.

Dean smiled, a warm and joyful expression. It made everything hurt worse. "Your eyes are changing back to blue. Do you feel any different?"

"Yes! My body feels like it's on fire!"

It looked like Dean was the one who was in pain now. "Fire," he muttered under his breath. "Cas, we need to get out of here. Please."

"No."

"We can get you to my mom. We can get you help, but not here. Crowley said something bad would happen, something to do with his father, and I think it's going to happen soon." Dean pulled on the plants, trying to reach me. "Let me help you this time, Cas."

"I said _no_." I stood up quickly, backing away from Dean. "This shouldn't be happening. You're just wanting to get into my head! You want to escape and leave me again." I pressed my fingers to my temples. "I just have to get through tonight, then I'll be okay. You won't have any power over me then."

"That's not what's-"

"Shut up!" I screeched, letting my emotions radiate from me through my powers. Snow shot out in arcs from where I was standing, coating the whole room in flakes for just a moment. Red streaks appeared on Dean's face from the harsh winds slicing the crystals across his skin. I swallowed the lump in my throat, leaving before he could say anything else. "Enjoy your fucking soup."


	46. Breaking Through

●Dean●

When I woke up, I had a moment of panic where I didn't know where I was. Remembering didn't help my panic, but I almost felt better. I pulled at my restraints, not really expecting them to give. They were looser, to the point I could move from my sitting position against the wall to my knees. When Cas lost control of his powers last night, he instinctively pulled on the vines holding me until they were beyond suffocating. He must have come back to loosen them while I slept. The image of him standing over me, a pained look on his face as he fought with himself over what's right, hurt me more than anything. It was because of me that Cas was like this. He was hurting because of me.

_No. This was all Azazel's fault. He's the one who did this to Cas. He's brainwashing him or manipulating him like he did to John._

If John could break free from Azazel's control, so could Cas. He just needed some help. I knew I could get through to him, but I didn't think we had much time. Something bad was about to happen, Crowley told me as much. And according to Cas, Crowley could see the future. I was afraid to find out what he saw that scared him so much. 

I wasn't going to stick around to find out.

The sound of footsteps pulled me out of my thoughts. Light, hesitant footsteps I would recognize anywhere. Cas stopped before he got to the room I was in like he was afraid to confront me.

"Cas," I called, my voice rough from sleep. "Please come here."

He turned the corner with his head lowered, his hands in his pants pockets. Which were the only things he was wearing. I was pretty sure Cas said something, but I was too focused on the fact that he was standing on front of me half-dressed. And the fact that he had abs. Like, very well defined abs. I looked up to his face, trying to focus, but that didn't exactly help either. I didn't think it was possible for Cas to get any hotter, but here he was.

Cas was watching me, probably waiting for a response to whatever he just said.

"What?"

He knelt in front of me. "I asked how you were doing."

I looked over my cut up and bruised skin showing through the rips in my clothes. I'd spent the previous day tied to the wall with barely any food. Azazel let me go to the restroom once since I'd been here, and my legs were going numb. "Oh, just great."

"Seriously, Dean. Do you want something to eat before Azazel returns?"

It all makes sense now. Azazel was still gone, so Cas wasn't under his control. Cas didn't want me to suffer like Azazel did. "No, but I want to get up. I want to move. I want to leave."

"You know I can't let you leave, but I can let you get up." He smiled at me, and the vines around my wrists shrunk back into sprouts by the wall. Cas pointed to a plastic cup near the edge of my prison: the cup of _inbecillis_ I had to drink before Azazel would turn of the power blockers so I could use the restroom. "As soon as you drink that."

There was no use fighting it. I finished off the _inbecillis_ and finally stood. Cas's vines followed me, tugging at my ankles with every step. He kept his eyes on me, but I just went to the restroom again and walked around the room a few times to stretch my legs. I eventually settled down in front of Cas, asking him to sit with me.

"How long before Azazel gets back?" _How long do I have to get through to you?_ I was asking.

"An hour, maybe two." He wouldn't look at me, just at my feet that were bound. "Azazel is returning to take me to a meeting with The Council."

"I can't believe you're working with him. You can't think this is right." When Cas raised his eyes, I sighed. They weren't blue, but they weren't completely green either: it was an in-between teal color. Azazel's hold on him had strengthened since last night.

"But I do, Dean. Besides, I owe Azazel my life."

"What?"

"I was moments from dying, and Azazel saved me from taking my life. He fixed all the pain I was feeling and told me that I could help change the world so no one would ever feel the way I was feeling. He gave me a purpose and made me feel important when I didn't want to live."

"You _are_ important, Cas. You always have been. And I understand that it feels like you owe him something, but you don't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You can break this hold he has on you; you're stronger than he is."

"Dean-"

"Wait, this is important. I had a dream back in October where you were killed by Azazel. He killed you like he killed Mary to get to me. And I really think that could happen soon. I don't want to lose you again, Cas. Please, please, please. Let's run away while he's gone. We can get the police here and end this once and for all. We can go back to Glen Rock and be together. You can come to Northham with me in September and go to school after a gap year. Or we can stay in Glen Rock. We can get an apartment and live together and put all of this behind us. Just..." I took his hands. "Let's go."

"No," Cas whimpered weakly. I actually think I got to him. He slipped his hands from mine, but not in a harsh way. "Azazel won't hurt us. He won't hurt me; he saved me." Cas winced. "We can't be together like that, but we can be together in The Righteous. We're kings."

"I don't want us to be kings," I told him, touching his cheek. "I just want us to be Cas and Dean again. Don't you want that?"

Cas closed his eyes, tears welling up in them as he nodded. I took my chance. If there was one way to get through to Cas, it was this. It was this one moment. I leaned in and kissed him. And, God, he kissed me back.

I was praying when I pulled away. I was praying that Cas had broken Azazel's hold. Cas still had his eyes closed, and he hadn't said a word.

"Cas?"

And then he opened his eyes.

They were pure green.

Before I could react. Cas put his hand over my chest to electrocute me. The last thing I saw was the color green piercing through the blue lightning.

○Cas○

I dragged Dean's unconscious body back into the inactive block, tightening his ankle restraints so he wouldn't move if he woke before I got back from my meeting. And even though the _inbecillis_ would stay in his system long into the night, I turned on the blockers. Then, I brushed myself off and went upstairs to finish getting dressed.

°°°

"Castiel?"

I jumped, my fingers fidgeting with the vial in my pocket. It was now or never. Something Dean said was bothering me. It was about that dream he had.... Crowley has been controlling Dean's dreams for years, and something so closely related to Azazel had to come from his son. If it did, that means there was some truth to the dream, some part that could've been a vision of the future. I knew I wasn't meant to be in The Righteous back then, so it was possible that Azazel was planning to kill me to get Dean. Crowley, Abaddon, and Dean on the thrones, just as Azazel wanted. What if he was still planning this? Dean wasn't broken like Azazel thought, and it didn't seem like he would be any time soon. Azazel wouldn't hesitate to get rid of me to get his hands on Dean. Besides, wasn't that what he did to Mary to get to John? Maybe Azazel never planned on having Mary rule; maybe it was always supposed to be Rowena or another member of The Righteous. Maybe Mary's place was never ruler of the West but the catalyst for a Winchester's undoing. And Azazel said it himself: I was taking Mary's place.

I had to see if Dean was right. He thought Azazel was controlling me, and I had to know.

"Coming!" I called. I pushed all my thoughts out of my mind and replaced them with a song that would cover anything else. That was a trick I learned with Adam.

"Are you ready to go?" Azazel asked by the door, a silver zip hovering beside him. Rowena must have been at this meeting too.

"Just about. I need to check on Dean before we go." I smiled. "He was giving me trouble this morning, so I had to knock him out. I was just going see if he was up yet."

"Allow me," Azazel interrupted. "If he was giving you trouble, I wouldn't want him to bother you again before such an important meeting."

"Thank you. Why don't I get you a cup of coffee? You look tired after your long day yesterday."

He graciously accepted and went downstairs. Unfortunately for him, I was pouring the vial of _inbecillis_ into a cup of coffee I'd brewed earlier. It wasn't enough to completely take away his powers, but it was enough to lessen them. I could see if Azazel really was controlling me. I didn't know what I was going to do if he was. Would I take Dean up on his offer to run away?

I was getting ahead of myself.

"Dean is still out. How hard did you hit him?"

I handed a coffee mug to Azazel. "I electrocuted him, but not too much. He shouldn't wake up until we get back." I watched Azazel drink the coffee, already feeling different. "I'm going to head to the meeting."

"The twins are waiting for you, so go ahead. I'll be right behind you."

When he said Abby and Az were waiting for me, I didn't expect them to be right on the other side of the zip. "Look who finally showed up," Abaddon teased. "We thought you were never going to make it."

"We thought you backed out and were stepping down."

Abby hit her brother on the chest. "No, we didn't. Sorry, Castiel, Az is in a mood today." She took my hand. I almost pulled it away, but I remembered that I had to keep up appearances with them. I let Abby pull me down the halls. "Give us a few minutes, Asmodeous. We'll be back in time for the meeting." She winked at me. "Probably."

"Where are we going?" We were in one of the underground bases of The Righteous, but I'd never been here before. The only way to get into any of the bases was by zip: each one was tucked into its own pocket dimension, much like Azazel's home. I was really hoping Abby knew her way around this place.

"Somewhere to talk without prying ears."

"Okay." That seemed like wishful thinking, but I continued through the labyrinth of halls. Eventually, Abby opened up a door that led into a master suite at the end of the corridor.

"Do you know why we're here?"

_Oh, good. She's actually talking; I thought she was going to do something else._ "No, I wasn't told." _I usually don't get told everything with Azazel._

"The Council want answers about Dean. Azazel has been stalling to make you answer, so I'm guessing things aren't going well."

I thought back to the way Dean kissed me this morning, begging me to run away with him. "Why won't be answer them?" I asked, avoiding her question.

"I think..." Abby lowered her voice to a whisper. "I think he wants you to take the fall. The Council doesn't like it when plans are delayed, so someone is going to take the fall for Azazel's miscalculation."

"When did he expect Dean to cooperate?"

"He told The Council tomorrow evening." _That's it. Azazel is going to kill me tomorrow. I have to do something tonight. I have to save myself; I have to save Dean._

"And what happens if Dean doesn't cooperate by then?" _I think I already know._

"They'll kill you."

I walked passed Abaddon to sit on the large bed. It felt like there was no way to escape. Every path ended with me dying. I run with Dean, and Azazel will find us and kill us both. I run on my own, I die and Azazel gets Dean. I stay, and Azazel kills me and still gets Dean. I stay, somehow Azazel doesn't kill me, and I die by The Council's hands.

"What happens to Dean if they kill me?"

Abby sat beside me. "I don't know. I guess they'll try to break him using their methods. If that doesn't work, they'll kill him too."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Lie." She took my hands. "If things are going so bad that Azazel won't take the blame, you need to lie. Tell The Council that things are going well and that Dean should be breaking by the end of the week. Don't tell them tomorrow because you shouldn't know about that plan. Let them think that there is progress, then figure out how to make it true."

"Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"

"I don't want you to die."

"I don't want to die either." And I meant that. I felt like I had a purpose, but it wasn't The Righteous. I needed to save Dean.

Abby smiled, then frowned as she looked at me. "I thought your eyes were green, not blue."

"I, uh... They change color in different lighting."

She looked down at our hands, running her thumb over my silver signet ring. I didn't fail to notice that she had the bronze ring. "Castiel, you have to promise me-" She stopped as there was a knock at the neighboring room's door. "Shit. They can't know we were talking like this."

"What?"

Abby pushed me onto my back, quickly straddling my hips and kissing me before I could say anything else or before she could answer me. Her fingers ran through my hair as a knock came from the door.

"Miss Abaddon?" Abby didn't answer the man, she just guided my hands to her hips. The door opened slowly with a "Your Majesty?" When the man saw us, he started stammering. "Your Majesties! I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I was just coming to tell all the guests in this wing that the meeting was about to begin."

When Abby climbed off of me, she barely glanced at me or the man at the door who was now bowing. "Continue with your job, Mark. And let's not speak of this, okay?"

"Yes, Your Majesty. No one will know." The man, Mark, rushed out of the room.

"What was the point of that if only one person saw it and you told him not to say anything to anyone?"

Abby started touching up her lipstick at the vanity, lipstick that was probably all over my lips too. "Mark has the biggest mouth in The Righteous. Even if it was a direct order, he can't help but tell everyone he sees. But trust me, you want everything to think we were making out over conspiring against The Council."

I walked to the mirror, trying to wipe away the red lipstick off my mouth and fix my hair. Abby laughed and helped me with a makeup wipe. "You know," she started as she removed the last of the lipstick from my mouth, "it's too bad you're in love with Dean." She made eye contact with me. "I'd love to do that for real."

"Why do you think I'm in love with Dean?" She wasn't wrong but still.

"You're different since your mission in Glen Rock. You're like a completely different person."

_Oh, Abby, you have no idea._

"Come on, before they start getting suspicious."

°°°

The meeting went pretty much exactly as Abaddon said it would. Every question about Dean was directed towards me: from his abduction to his imprisonment to the time of his cooperation. I lied. I lied so much that Azazel didn't let his eyes leave me. He was trying to read my mind to figure out what was going on, but he couldn't get passed the words that were about to leave my mouth. He was frustrated, but he hid it well. No one called me out on my answers or stopped me from leaving once the questions began targeting someone else.

I almost made it to Rowena's zip that hadn't closed before Azazel caught up to me. When his hand touched my shoulder, I didn't turn to face him. I was afraid to let him know that I wasn't under his control. If he saw my eyes, he'd know in an instant.

"What the hell was that, Castiel?"

"I figured it would be best to tell them what they wanted to hear. They wouldn't have been happy with an estimate of months to break Dean, so I told them something closer. Now, could I go home to try something new? I have an idea that could break him and make everyone very happy. You can catch me up with what happens with the rest of the meeting tonight or tomorrow morning."

"Okay, just know that you have to carry out this deadline you made. There will be punishments I can't stop if you fail to deliver by the end of the week."

"Don't worry, Azazel. I have this all under control." I stepped through the zip and started crying when it closed behind me.

●Dean●

"You were right."

I lifted my head to the sound of Cas's voice. I'd been awake for... a long time, and it was nice to not be alone anymore. "Sorry. I was right?"

"About Azazel. He's planning to kill me."

Suddenly, Cas had my full attention. "What do you mean? What happened?"

Cas turned off the blockers and let the vines fall from my ankles. He was letting me go? "Dean." His voice broke, and I realized he'd been crying. That fact alone almost set me on fire, despite my powers being blocked. "He's been using his powers me. All this time, he's been controlling me. I- I put _inbecillis_ in his coffee this morning, and I feel different. I can't even remember what happened before last week. It's- It's like he's rewriting who I am when he makes my pain go away. Oh my God. That's what he's doing, right?"

"You're back," I mumbled. And he was. This was _my_ Cas. His eyes were filled with tears, but they were blue again. I'd never been so happy to see a color in my entire life. "What are we going to do?"

"He won't let us leave. And he'll kill me long before he lets you go anywhere. Besides, even if it would be safe to leave, we're in a pocket dimension. We can't get out of here by ourselves."

"Cora can help. If we contact her, she can open a zip."

Cas shook his head. "No, there's no way for her to find us. I don't know where we are, and Cora is good, but she can't be good enough to be able to find us hidden like we are. Our only hope is Abaddon." Cas nodded, though it seemed to be to himself. "She'll help us if I ask. But you have to promise me something."

"Anything," I responded.

"If it comes down to you or me, you have to get through that zip."

"No. Cas, I'm not leaving without you."

Cas sat in front of me, taking my face in his hands. "You don't understand. This is your one chance to get out of here. This is going to come down to me confronting Azazel; I have to stop him or he won't let you go. You need to get back to your family, Dean. You've been away from them for too long."

"It's been days. You've been missing for _months,_ Cas. Your family thought you were dead. We both have to go home."

Cas closed his eyes, but I could see that he was crying. "There's no way I can go back there. Not after what I've done to you. Not after what I did to... to my brothers. I need you to promise me that you will escape when you have the chance." I didn't say anything. "Please, Dean, promise me." He opened his eyes and begged me with such a wounded expression. "Promise that you'll make it back to them."

"Okay, I promise." I raised my hand to cover his. "But you have to promise me that you'll make it back to me."

Cas nodded. "I will. I always will."

I pulled him in for a kiss. "When are we doing this?"

"Tomorrow morning. I can try to put another vial of _inbecillis_ in his coffee. Stopping him will be easier without his powers."

"And we can't just go now?"

"He'll find us. This is the only way."

I didn't care how we had to do this. I wanted to make it out of Azazel's web with Cas. As long as we both made it out safe, it didn't matter how we did it. "Tomorrow, then." I yawned. "I can't wait to see Sam and Jo again. They're going to be so happy to see you. I still can't believe you're right here." I took his hand, lacing my fingers with his. "You're right here with me, and it's like the past few months never happened. I can't wait to live with you and put all of this behind us. I missed you so much."

Cas frowned, rubbing at his temples. "Yeah, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere ever again."

"I love you so much," I whispered as I started nodding off. I didn't hear Cas say it back, but I did hear him whimper, almost like he was in pain. I was asleep before I could ask if he was okay.


	47. Sudden Changes & Second Chances

○Cas○

I barely slept. My dreams were filled with the image of Dean dying by Azazel's hand. I could take my own death; that's what I deserved after killing my own brothers. But Dean dying? Absolutely not. I needed to make sure Dean got home. If it was the last thing I did, I would make sure Dean made it back to his family.

The only problem was that it seemed like doing that would be impossible. I tried to convince Dean that it would be simple, but I had no idea how we would pull this off. I had to believe we could, though. I had to hope this was possible because I made a promise to myself. Dean was getting that life he wanted. He was going to go to college in Northham and get an apartment and put everything behind him. He was going to move on and fall in love and make a family of his own. I just didn't think it would be with me.

I didn't think we would both make it out of this house.

Yet, in the early morning light, I planned this out the best I could. Before the sun was fully in the sky, I had a shaky plan that might just get me killed, but it would most likely get Dean home. I was willing to risk my life for him, but I only had this one chance to save him.

I started towards the basement as quietly as I could, hoping to free Dean before I called Abaddon and confronted Azazel. And maybe to kiss him one last time before...

But Azazel was waiting for me before I got to the stairs. I stopped dead in my tracks. "Um. Good morning."

Azazel glared at me, poorly hidden by a transparent smile. "Good morning. Why are you up so early, Castiel?"

"I couldn't sleep," I answered truthfully. "I thought I'd go for a walk."

"This early? In the forest on your own? Don't you think that's a bit dangerous?"

I laced my fingers, then unlaced them in front of me. "I'll be fine. Uh, do you have anything planned for today? Any meetings?"

"No." Azazel eyed me warily. "Do you have something to do?"

"I was just curious." I stopped, hoping he wasn't getting suspicious. "You know, I think I'll skip that walk, after all. I'm just going to grab a cup of coffee. Would you like one?"

"Please."

I nodded and slipped past Azazel. My fingers reached for the vial in my pocket as I took a deep breath. _This is okay. Dean_ _will_ _be_ _just_ _fine._ Once the coffee brewed, I poured in the _inbecillis_ and gave it to Azazel in the other room.

He raised the mug to his lips, met my eyes, then lowered his hands. He brushed past me to dump the coffee down the sink, crossing back to me before I could register what happened. "Do you think I don't know when I'm being drugged?" Azazel asked calmly.

"I-"

He stopped me by grabbing me by the throat, his fingers digging into my skin and cutting off my air. "Did you really think you could fool me with the same trick as before? That you could just take Dean and run? Do you think there's anywhere in this dimension that I couldn't find you? You could've been something great with me, but you're throwing it all away."

My head and lungs were burning. I could barely breathe, but I'd be damned if I was going down without a fight. "You were never going to keep your promises," I croaked out. "You were never going to let me lead The Righteous."

Azazel watched me with a level expression, then let out a low chuckle. "No, of course not. You never meant anything to me; you were just a tool to get what I wanted."

"Dean." Azazel smiled, a truly heartless smile. "Well, you can hurt me, you can kill me lile you killed Mary, but you'll never get to Dean. I will never let you lay a hand on him."

His fingers pinched further into my throat. "I'd like to see you try." His eyes turned a vibrant yellow, and I felt myself being dragged under his control like being pulled out to sea. I tried to fight him, but I was drowning. "I would use your mind against you and make you think that you want what I'm about to do, but you need to be punished for your betrayal. You have committed treason, so you don't deserve the peace of mind that comes with rewriting your thoughts. This time, you get to watch yourself while being trapped in your own mind." He let go of my throat and touched my cheek; I tried to recoil, but I couldn't move. Azazel laughed again. "How cute. You can't overpower me, child. Your foolish plan to poison me didn't work: my powers are as strong as ever. Now, go downstairs."

_No. No, I_ _can't_ _do anything to Dean. Stop! Stop it!_

I started to move without my say: my limbs taking me to the basement on their own accord. Well, Azazel's.

"Cas?" Dean asked when he saw me. "Oh, thank God. What's going on? Have you taken away Azazel's powers?"

"I'm afraid not," Azazel answered for me as he turned the corner. "Don't you think he looks a little too comfortable, _Ca_ s?"

I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell Dean to run. I wanted to run with him. I raised my hand and grew vines around Dean's body, tying him down by the ankles, wrists, stomach, and neck. Azazel made me pull the vines taut and bring thorns out to break through Dean's already battered skin.

"That's very good. Doesn't that look much better now?" Without looking to me, he commanded, "Sit." I wanted to yell that I wasn't a dog, but my body was taking me to sit across from Dean's cell against the wall. "Now, Dean," he started, sickly sweet, "it's time for us to talk. I want to commend you for getting through to him. Not many people can break my hold on them. But you do know that can't happen again, right?"

"Noted. What are you doing to Cas?"

"How sweet." Azazel looked over his shoulder at me. "He loves you, doesn't he? Let's use that, then."

"What do you mean?"

"It seems threats don't work too well with you, so we're going to break you the old-fashioned way." Without explaining any further, he flooded my mind with pain. He let me have just enough control that I could writhe on the floor and scream. It felt like everything Azazel had been fixing had just been pushed aside until three months of agony crashed down on me at once. I could hear Dean yelling for me and begging Azazel to stop. After blacking out, my own screaming filling my ears, I came to with only a numb throbbing throughout my body. I could make out the conversation and the situation after a moment.

Dean was begging him to stop. He was telling him that he would do whatever he wanted if he just let me go. I knew Azazel wouldn't do that. He didn't want cooperation anymore; he wanted complete submission and a broken mind he could easily manipulate. From the blood running down Dean's body from fighting to get free, it looked like Azazel wasn't going to get his way.

"Just kill me."

They both snapped their heads to me. Dean looked so defeated already. "Oh God, Cas. No. What are you doing?"

"Saving you." _Or trying._ Once I died, the plants holding Dean would die too, and he would be free. He could easily overpower Azazel and leave this place after sending a text from Azazel's phone.

He understood what I meant from a conversation he wasn't willing to continue after I brought it up last night. "You promised me! You promised that we would get out of here together."

"I'm sorry. Just... I love you, Dean." I looked up at Azazel. "This is what you wanted, right? Kill me like you killed Mary and get me out of the way. Please, let Dean go if he doesn't do what you're expecting."

"No, Cas! Please don't do this! There has to be another way."

"There's no other way."

Azazel grinned at that. He brought back that horrible pain, this time with the added bonus of fire inside my body. He controlled my lightning so it was electrocuting me. I realized I was screaming again, but it was just Dean's name this time.

"Don't do this, Azazel," Dean started again. "Please just let us go."

"Oh, neither of you are going anywhere. You both will die in this very room." _No,_ _that's_ _not what_ _he's_ _supposed_ _to do! What_ _happened_ _to_ _Dean_ _being so important to The Righteous?_ "We all are getting very impatient with you, and I would rather you be dead than a part of my new world." My vision went white, so I couldn't see what Azazel was doing. It was fairly obvious as I heard a scream come from Dean that was followed by the smell of what I could only imagine was burning flesh. Azazel was burning Dean alive with flames so hot, they would've overpowered his fireproofing. But Dean's powers were disabled, so a regular fire would've burned him.

Anger ran through me, the same intense anger that brought me to kill my brothers. That single emotion let me focus on what was going on beyond the pain in my body. Focusing on one thought made it easy to break Azazel's hold on me. I wanted him dead. He was hurting Dean, and he was going to die for it.

I got to my feet, breathing heavy from the amount of energy it took to do only that. "Get away from him," I snarled.

Azazel spun back to me, astonishment and hatred burning in his eyes. "How-? _Sit_ _back_ _down_."

I almost listened to him. I could feel his words trying to embed themselves into my muscles, but I held my ground. "No. You aren't going to control me anymore. You aren't going to get into my head anymore. You can't make me hurt anyone else I love. And you sure as hell aren't going to hurt Dean."

I swiped my arm out, trapping Azazel in the vines he taught me to use, not even hesitating to grow hundreds of thorns along the plants, and forming a rain cloud to put out the fire covering Dean. I wanted to run to his side and help him, but I had to finish this once and for all. I had to leave him face down on the floor as I turned to the man who was now kneeling in front of me.

"You can't save him," Azazel sneered. "The damage is done. His mind is blank. He died even quicker than his mother, which is saying something." _He has_ _to_ _be lying. Dean is okay_. But it didn't look like he was moving. What if he wasn't okay? "I hope your last thought will be that all of this was in vain. All of this betrayal was for nothing, Castiel. You will still die, but Dean could have lived if it wasn't for you."

"I'm not the one who's dying today. Dean will get his justice. My brothers will get their justice."

Azazel had the nerve to laugh. "Because you're going to kill me? You don't have it in you."

"You killed the people I love." I stepped closer to him and pressed my hands to his throat like he did earlier. "There's _nothing_ left in me."

He was struggling to breathe. "You can't win this," he threatened, despite how weak that threat was. As a last ditch effort, he set his body on fire. He wanted me to let go, but I pressed into his throat even harder until I felt something snap. My hands were burning, but I had to keep going.

I wasn't taking any chances. I formed a sharp icicle in my hand and pierced it through Azazel's heart. I watched as the light faded from his eyes. Yellow dimmed to brown and darkened into a lifeless shade that I'd never be able to unsee. "I lost a long time ago, didn't I?" The last bit of Azazel's hold slipped from my mind, and that headache and feeling that drove me to that lake all those months ago returned. I stared at Azazel's body in shock. I just killed him. With my own hands. Lifting those hands to look at them, I let out a shuddered breath. They were covered in burns and blood. _I_ _just_ _killed_ _someone_.

I wanted to sit and cry, to beg for forgiveness for what I did, but there were more pressing concerns at that moment.

"Dean?" _Please_ _be okay._ _Please_ _be alive._ I found him with burns all over his body in patterns that could only be explained if Azazel set my vines on fire rather than Dean's clothes. The fire spread to his clothes, but it was obvious that it started where my plants kept him constrained. There was a large patch of hair missing near his ear, as well as a bright red burn that must have happened when he lost consciousness and his head fell into the flames. His clothes were barely covering him, and ash coated his skin. But none of that mattered if he wasn't alive. Miraculously, I found a faint pulse, and he was breathing, however shallow.

"Thank God." I lifted Dean into my arms, so thankful that I could carry him after so much physical training. "Let's get you home, okay?"

I carried him upstairs, setting him on the sofa in the living room as I went in search of my phone.

"Abaddon," I said when the line connected, "I need your help, but you can't say anything about it to anyone. I need a portal from Azazel's house to Glen Rock, okay?"

" _Okay,_ _Castiel_ _. But_ _won't_ _you be in danger with_ him _for_ _leaving?_ "

"He's dead, Abby. I killed him. You need to disappear with your brother before The Righteous finds out you helped me yesterday. They will punish you, and I can't live with that."

" _You- Okay. Okay,_ _I'll_ _get my things and go as soon as_ _I_ _make you a_ _portal_ _._ " She took a shaky breath. " _What are we supposed to do without The Righteous?_ "

"Go live. Hell, become _debilis_ if you need to. Just... Make sure you get out of there in time, Abby."

" _Thank you,_ _Castiel_ _. I think you just_ _saved_ _my life._ "

"Well, I owed you, didn't I? Be careful."

" _You too._ "

She hung up, so I went back to the living room. A black portal was already waiting for me. I had to hope Abby wouldn't betray me and would actually send me to Glen Rock. Taking one last look around the house, I got an idea. I took the box of matches from the kitchen and lit one, dropping it on the body in the basement. I did the same with the rug upstairs. There would be nothing left of this place after we stepped through that portal, and The Righteous would think Azazel just moved to a new location. Without another glance behind me, I picked Dean up and carried him through the portal.

°°°

I was lucky it was so early. The streets were empty as I walked from the portal at the school to Dean's house. I kept reliving the moment I killed Azazel in my head, but I had to push on. The only thing keeping me together with all the pain and haunting memories was the boy in my arms. If I didn't get him to Ellen soon, I didn't know if he would make it.

It didn't take too long to get to the Singers' residence. Then, I was shifting Dean in my arms to ring the doorbell with a heavy feeling in my heart. How was I going to face these people who loved me and thought of me as one of their own when I did _this_ to their son?

Bobby was the one to open the door. The poor man looked like he hadn't slept in days. I did that to him too. His eyes immediately dropped to his son, and he reached out to touch him. It was like he didn't believe he was real. "Dean?"

"He needs help. Now," I told him. I could hear my panic and so could he.

He never looked away from Dean, but he opened his mouth to yell for his wife. Ellen beat him to it, though.

"Bobby?" she asked, a little panic showing in her voice too. "My necklace is-" Ellen appeared from the kitchen, the necklace I made her in her hand, but she froze when she saw me at the door. Her hand curled into a fist. "How dare you show up here after what you've done! You take my boy and almost kill your own family," _almost?_ "and just come here like nothing happened. If you- Dean? What happened to him? _What did you do to him?_ "

"I can explain, but, please, he needs your help."

"I don't care about your excuses, boy. Give us our son and get out of our house. Don't come back."

I nodded, taking Dean inside and laying him on the sofa in the family room. While the Singers' focus was on Dean, I left. There was somewhere I needed to go.

●Dean●

It was warm. That was the first thing that I registered. There was a warmth spreading through my arm that I didn't want to go away. Once it did, I opened my eyes in protest.

"Dean? Are you awake?"

"Hm?" Was that Mom? When my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized it _was_ Mom hovering over me. She had her hands near me as they glowed a faint red. She was healing me? Why?

Then everything came back to me. "Are you okay, Mom? How is everyone doing?"

"Better now that you're home. How are you? Are you hurting? Are you sore? Are you-"

"I'm fine. Where's Cas?" _Did he make it out with me like he promised?_ "Is he here?"

"Of course not. Why do you care about him? He did this to you. He took you from us and hurt you."

I shook my head, wincing from the soreness in my neck. I was lucky I was still breathing. If Azazel had it his way, being a little sore and a bit hoarse would be the least of my concerns. "He saved me. It was Azazel who did all of this. He tried to kill us, but Cas broke through Azazel's mind control. That's the only way he could've brought me here." I couldn't remember much after Azazel hurt Cas and tried to burn me alive, but Cas must have gotten him out of his head.

"He was telling the truth about Azazel?"

"Yes, where is he?" I had to see him. I had to make sure he was okay.

Mom looked around uneasily. "He turned himself in to the police. He confessed to kidnapping and treason against the country and murder."

"No, he can't do that. He was being controlled by Azazel. They can't hold him accountable for anything he did. I have to go help him!" I tried to sit up, but Mom pushed me back onto the couch. If she didn't, I was pretty sure I would've fainted.

"You need to rest and heal right now. I'm sure the police will want to hear from you later, especially if you're saying Cas was being controlled by Azazel."

I frowned, blinking the last of the white spots out of my eyes. "What do you mean? He didn't tell them? Is he taking all the blame for this?" Mom nodded. "No, _Azazel_ needs to answer for what he's done. There's a whole underground group that wants to take over the country, and he's their leader. They've hurt and killed people, and they need to be stopped. The police needs to get Azazel and bring him to justice. Cas knows where Azazel is hiding, or he knows people who knows where he's hiding. We can-"

"Dean," Mom said gently. "Azazel is dead. Cas killed him."

My mouth went dry. She had to be wrong. "No. He wouldn't have done that. He- Cas wouldn't kill anyone. Even someone like Azazel."

"Honey, he confessed. They'll probably give him the maximum sentence after-"

"No. They have to understand that he didn't have a choice. He did everything because Azazel was making him: he was inside his head, Mom. I'll- I'll make a statement. I can tell them that Cas wasn't acting of his own free will. I can tell them that I went with him willingly: he didn't kidnap me. But they can't blame him for killing Azazel when he wasn't in his right mind and it was self defense. If he didn't, Azazel would've killed us both. And it was Azazel, really, who killed Cas's brothers. If we just get-"

"Dean, stop. The Novaks are fine. We found them once you two left graduation. Luckily, Cas just knocked them out. He didn't kill them like he thought."

"Then, maybe he didn't kill Azazel either," I said hopefully.

"He said he strangled him, then stabbed him through the heart." Mom let out a heavy breath. "Then, he burned the house down so _The_ _Righteous_ would think Azazel was still alive. He told the police that Azazel would burn a house down before he moved so there was no evidence he was there."

"I need to see him, Mom."

"Once I'm done and satisfied that you're healthy again. You breathed in a lot of smoke and fumes from that fire, and your skin will be sensitive for the next couple days. These burns and cuts are deeper than they should be with you."

"Azazel had power blockers," I answered simply. If I was this bad, how was Cas doing?

"Well, I'm going to finish up the last of your cuts and the burns that were too bad for one healing session later. I need a little break."

One healing session? If there were burns all over my body, it would have taken Mom a long time to get one session finished. And that was just for the burns. "Mom, how long have I been out?"

She stood from the chair that was pulled up beside the sofa. "Almost twenty-six hours."

"Twenty-six hours?" I was unconscious for over a day? "And how long was I gone?"

"Almost four days."

My heart dropped. _Four days_. "Why won't you tell me where Cas is?" Mom wouldn't look at me. "What's wrong? Please, tell me where Cas is."

"He's in the hospital. Cas is in a coma, and they aren't sure when or if he'll wake up. There's severe damage to his brain. They thought it was because of his powers becoming unstable."

I shook my head. It wasn't because of _Cas's_ powers at all. "It was Azazel. Cas told me that it felt like Azazel was _rewriting who he was._ That has to be why Cas's brain is like that."

"Maybe." Mom smoothed down my hair. "But let's worry about that once you're better, okay?"

I nodded, but I knew there was going to be nothing else on my mind until Cas woke up and he was better too.

•••

Jo came down to the family room not long after Mom's hands started glowing with a red light. She was hit upside the head when she practically tackled me in a hug. "You are the worst older brother ever."

"I missed you too," I laughed. "How's Sammy?"

"He threw a fit cause he had to go to school." She gave Mom a pointed look. "Mom and Dad made him."

"Sam skipped yesterday," Mom sighed. "I promised him that Dean was going to be fine, and we made him go to school."

"I think it's funny," I told her with a smile, "that you wouldn't let him skip to worry about me, but here you are doing the same thing."

"Son, you're lucky I stayed with you. This all would hurt a hell of a lot more if I would've went to work the past few days instead of healing your burns while they were new. And I still haven't heard a thank you." She was starting to get choked up, so she was hiding it with sarcasm.

"You know I appreciate everything you've done, Mom. You saved my life."

"Damn right, she did," Jo said. "But when are you going to tell us what happened?"

"Later. I'll tell you guys all at once when Dad and Sam get home." My stomach growled, as if reminding me that I had barely eaten in the past four days. "For now, could you make me something to eat? It's been, like, two days since I've had any food."

"Of course," Jo responded quickly. She was worried. I usually don't go a few hours without eating something, so this was definitely a problem. "I'll be right back." My sister kissed me on the forehead and left for the kitchen.

"Hey, Mom?"

She didn't look up. "Yes, sweetheart?"

"This is going to sound crazy." That caught her attention. "Once you get to the cuts on my wrist, could you just leave them?"

"What? Why the hell would you want scars from what happened to you?"

I tipped my head to the ceiling, my left arm still filled with warmth as my mom moved her hands over the burns near my shoulder. I was almost back to normal; Mom just had to fix my left arm and my neck and ear, which had been severely burned. That's why I spoke up now. If I didn't, there would be no proof that anything had happened. "I can't really describe why, but I feel like I need to have a small reminder of... everything. I learned a lot about John and Mary, and I can't pretend that I don't know after this. But it's more than that. It's the fact that I've overcome something horrible like being kidnapped by a murderer and cult leader, being tortured, then almost dying. It's a reminder that I'm strong, even without my super strength. And it's Cas. It's the fact that he risked his life for me. He told me- He promised that he would get me back to my family, even if that meant his death. Cas was willing to die to give me a chance to escape, and he almost did." I shook my head, still not quite believing everything that happened. "Mom, I never want to forget what he was willing to do for me. I just feel like I _need_ this."

"Just on your wrist?"

I turned back to her, questioning what she just said.

"Here?" She brushed her fingers over the inside if my wrist, the deep cuts burning from the contact. I nodded. "If that's what you want. Just... promise me that you'll rest for the next day or two so I know you'll be okay."

"I will, Mom. I promise."

•••

That evening, I explained everything to my family, down to the shifting color of Cas's eyes and how I could smell my own skin burning. That was a memory I'd never be able to forget. My story left a hollow look in my brother's eyes, and I fell asleep with him holding onto me when I returned to my room that night. He got into an argument with Dad again the next morning and only went to school when I promised I'd be alright and reminded him that he only had six days left until summer vacation.

A police officer stopped in before lunch to take my statement. It sounded like Cas would be freed from all charges if he woke up and his story matched my own. Apparently, Cas didn't give a full confession before he collapsed in the police station. He was always one for dramatic moments. Before the officer left, he gave me a message from Officer Wilson, the woman who talked to me back in February when Cas was a missing persons case.

"She said she's glad you got him back and hopes everything works out for you two. You've been in her prayers."

"Thank you, Officer. And could you tell her thanks too?"

"Of course. Good luck."

Mom showed him out, but my moment of quiet only lasted a moment. As soon as the officer left, my friends came running into the living room. Rather than leaving, Benny and Dorothy had been staying in town, with Adam and Charlie respectively. Benny told me that it was because he wanted to see my ugly face before he left to go home, but Dorothy said it was because graduation was rescheduled and they didn't want to pay for two portals when they could just stay with friends. They told me that graduation was rescheduled for Friday, but they pushed it back again once I got home. The principals and the other seniors wanted me to graduate with them, so they decided to have the ceremony on the last day of May, plenty of time for me to recover. The eight of us had the lunch they all brought from Daniel's. We were all there except Kevin, who was in school since he was still a junior but felt too guilty to talk to me, and, of course, Cas. His absence was almost tangible; everyone else could feel it too.

"Have you heard from him?" Adam asked. Everyone knew who he meant.

"No, he's still in a coma. Gabe called this morning, though, and told me there's more activity in his brain."

"That's good, right?" Zayn asked.

Jo nodded. "They think he'll be awake within a week or so."

"How are you holding up?" Meg asked me, her usual carefree voice filled with concern. I knew they were all wondering about the bandage around my wrist, the patches of new skin, and the missing hair by my neck and ear.

"I'm doing better. I'm worried about Cas, but I know he'll be fine. If only I can get rid of the hoarseness."

Meg gave me that devilish grin of hers. "Well, I think you sound sexy. You should've breathed in a ton of smoke years ago."

I didn't mention that she didn't know me years ago and just laughed, which ended up as a sort of bark. "Thanks, Meg."

The conversation drifted into something mundane, and it felt so nice to be a normal teenager again. My boyfriend wasn't dead, I wasn't having dreams about people I love dying, and I wasn't trapped in a psychopath's basement. It was amazing to just eat pizza and talk about something boring.

I didn't think my life could get better in that moment. Then, I got a phone call from Gabriel.

•••

It had been five days since Cas brought me home, and things were great. I was back to normal. Mom was finally back at work. No one was hovering over me all the time. So, naturally, I went to confront John in prison.

My hand was shaking when I picked up the phone to talk to him through the glass barrier.

"I'm surprised you're here. I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me after you turned me in."

"I don't," I told him sharply. "I just wanted some answers."

"About what?"

"The Righteous."

John's jaw tightened. "How do you know about them?"

"Doesn't matter. Did you really kill people so you could have this make believe perfect world with your friend? Did you really put your family in danger for it? Did you put Sammy in danger for some stupid plan to rule the world with Azazel?"

John shushed me, gesturing with his hand to lower my voice. "Don't talk about him."

"Why? He's dead. Cas killed him. Do you remember Cas? He's my boyfriend that Azazel brainwashed into hurting people and kidnapping me so I could pick up where you left off when you abandoned us. He killed someone because of you."

"I tried to warn you about that boy, but you didn't want to listen to me."

I scowled at him, not believing him. "No, I didn't because you never told me the truth when I was growing up, and you never cared about me." He tried to interrupt, but I kept talking. "I was just this puppet for you. I did everything you demanded of me and trained for your stupid war that I never knew about. I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted a dad who would teach me how to play baseball and drive and take me out to watch movies and show me how to tie a tie and shave and meet the girlfriends I brought home and accept me when I brought a boyfriend home. That's all I wanted from you, but you left me. You left Sam too. My uncle turned into our dad, and he did everything a dad is supposed to. When he saw me make my own fire, he didn't punish me like you did for being connected to the thing that killed Mary; he supported me and loved me and had me lighting candles all around the house, and he was bragging to all of his co-workers because his son was amazing. His son," I repeated. The message was clear enough. _I'm_ _not your son_. "I didn't listen to you because I'd been trying to cope with losing someone I love, and I couldn't hope that Cas was actually alive because all you do is lie, and I couldn't lose him again."

"I'm sorry, Dean." John pressed his hand against the glass. When I didn't respond to that, he continued, "I should've been a better father."

I laughed. "You should have gotten Azazel the help he needed back in high school. You should have never become his friend. You should have never murdered innocent people. You should have given me and Sam up long before you did. You should've done so many things that you could've done before you became unstable, but you didn't. Everything that's happened is on you because you sat by and let your friend become unstable." I pushed my chair back, ready to leave and never see John'sface again. "The love of my life is in the hospital right now so damaged that they won't tell me what's wrong, and I'm blaming you for it. I can't wait for you to rot in this prison for the rest of your life." I hung up the phone with a slam and walked away from him, not turning back.

I made it to the parking lot before my phone started ringing.

"Hi, Gabe. Is everything okay?"

" _Cas is awake_."

"I'll be there in twenty." I was twenty minutes from the portal office, but that was the fastest way I could get from South Dakota to the hospital in Maryland where Cas was moved a few days ago.

" _Dean,_ _it's_ _not good._ _We're_ _really worried_."

"Okay," I said hastily, climbing into my car. "Make it fifteen." Speed limits be damned.

•••

"What's wrong?" I demanded when I saw Gabe in the lobby. He started down the hall to the elevators, expecting me to follow.

"They said it's because of Azazel's influence on him, which we wouldn't have figured out without you." We both stepped into the elevator, Gabe pressing the twelfth floor. "It's because of all the trauma from him rearranging his thoughts and-"

I stopped him. "Gabe, what's wrong?"

He wouldn't look at me. "Cas doesn't remember anything, Dean. He asked Mom who she was when he woke up. She's been crying for hours. They're just now letting us back into his room because he was freaking out."

I swallowed, hearing the doors open on our floor but not being able to move. "He doesn't remember anything?"

"Bits and pieces are coming back, but it's not much. And no, he doesn't remember you," he told me sadly.

I started tearing up, but I wiped my eyes before I was crying. "Can I still see him?" Thankfully, he said yes.

Naomi was in the room with Cas when I walked in. She glanced at me, then gave me a pained expression. This was killing her. She turned back to her son. "I'll give you two the room. I love you, honey." She tapped him on the nose and left us alone, telling me as she left to be careful with Cas.

"She keeps doing that, touching my nose like it means something. I just feel bad because I don't remember what it's supposed to mean." He was blaming himself for this. Of course he was.

I pointed to the bed. "Can I sit?"

Cas nodded and shifted his legs to make room. "Dean, right?" That hurt beyond explanation, but I nodded. At least he remembered something about me. "My brother, I don't remember which, said we were dating."

"You really don't remember?" It was a stupid question, but I had to be certain.

"Sorry, no." He shifted uncomfortably. "I wish I did, but I don't. The way it sounded, we were pretty happy together."

I smiled. "We were."

Cas nodded like that was information he needed to store away. He frowned, returning his eyes to me. "Could I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Did I do something wrong?" He was so innocent and confused. It wasn't fair. "I've got this," he moved his blanket to show me the power blocking bracelet around his ankle, "and no one will tell me why."

"That's just there so you won't hurt yourself with your powers. Without your memories, you don't know how to control them." At least, I was hoping that was the reason.

"You mean, like this?" Cas held out his arm to show me his veins. They were such a dark blue, they were almost black and were raised enough to stand out from his pale skin. "The doctors said it was from lightning, which is just cool. I can control lightning?"

I grinned. It was nice to see him so happy, despite everything. "Yeah, you can do a lot of cool things."

"Could I ask you a few other things? I have some blurry memories that I can't explain. The doctors told me that talking about them will help, but I haven't had a chance to ask anyone about them."

"What kind of memories?"

He shrugged, looking out the window. "Some are just words or names. Like, Levi. Who's that?"

"He's someone who hurt you."

Cas's eyes widened. "He did this to me?"

"No, that was someone much worse. Levi," I paused, unsure how to talk about this without overwhelming him, "broke your heart a few years ago."

"Oh." Cas fidgeted with his hands. "I guess it's a good thing I can't remember him, then," he said lightly. Even though he sounded happy, it broke my heart to see Cas like that. Everything that made him Cas, everything I loved about him, was gone.

"What else do you want to know?"

○Cas○

Dean was upset. I didn't have to know him to see that. He kept saying he was fine, but it was obvious that I was making him very sad. He wanted his Cas back, and I wanted to give him to Dean, but I didn't know how. He was being very patient with me, but it was killing him.

Once he finished his story about our first kiss, I stopped him from going on to another memory. "Dean, listen. I'm going to be stuck in this hospital for some time. I don't know if I'll ever get out."

"You will."

"The doctors are afraid that I won't be able to take care of myself from whatever happened to my brain. If they can't fix it, I'll have to live with someone who will have to take care of me for the rest of my life. I may never get better, but I could get worse too."

Dean took my hand. "That's okay, Cas. I'll be there to help you whenever you need it, however you need it. We talked about moving in together, getting married one day." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Better or worse. In sickness and in health, right?"

"No, Dean."

"What?"

"I can't do that to you." I took my hand from him. "You seem like a great guy, and I don't want you waiting around for a future I won't be able to give you. It'll be better for us both if you just leave and forget about me. That's only fair since I forgot about you, right?"

Dean started crying. I looked away from him. I knew I was supposed to love him, but I couldn't remember him. I couldn't remember being with him. If I really did love him, it wouldn't be right to keep him waiting when I might never remember. I felt guilty, but it was the right thing to do.

"Cas, don't say that. I'll never be able to forget you, and I don't care how long it takes, I'll wait for you."

"Please don't. I don't want you to be waiting around for years when you can be living a happy life in Northham." I frowned at the random memory, but kept going. "I'm not sure if we were still dating, but we can't anymore. This is me breaking up with you." I looked back to my hands. "I want you to go now."

Dean wiped away his tears and cleared his throat. "Okay, if that's what you want. I just- Could I give you something first?"

I nodded, and Dean pulled a necklace from under his shirt. It had two pendants on it, but he took one off the chain and slipped it into his pocket. "This was yours." He placed the necklace in my open palm with an even expression. "And I know this won't really mean anything to you, but I practiced this for months and never had a chance to show you." He froze a drop of water from the dripping faucet and floated it to me. The snowflake landed on my hand that was holding the necklace and melted from my body heat. "I lo-" Dean shook his head. "Goodbye, Castiel."

And then he was gone, and I was alone in the hospital room. It wasn't until I was alone did I start crying. I cried over the boy I couldn't remember if I loved and the life I'd never be able to live with him. I cried over the family outside my door who lost a son more times than anyone ever should and over that son who didn't exist anymore. I cried over the stupid melted snowflake that should have meaning but didn't. I cried over everything I knew I lost and everything I didn't know about. I cried and cried until I couldn't remember why I started in the first place.


	48. Endings & Epilogues

●Dean●

_Three Years Later_

**From Jo:**  
**I know** **you're** **super busy but** **we'd** **love to see you today since you** **couldn't** **come** **home** **this weekend**

**From** **Jo:**  
**Happy** **birthday again**

I sighed as I reread my sister's messages. I hadn't meant to ignore her, but I _had_ been kinda busy. First it was finals, then Christmas break with Lisa's family, then it was work and my research. But, if I was being honest with myself, I was finding more and more excuses to stay away from Glen Rock. It never really felt like home anymore; it hadn't for a long time.

As I unlocked the front door to my apartment, my phone rang. Jo again. It was late, so I let it ring until my voicemail took over. I could always call her back in the morning. I'm sure it wasn't important.

But what if it was?

I shook my head, dropping my keys onto the table by the door. If Jo really needed to get in touch, she'd call again. There was no reason for me to feel guilty.

"Lis?" I called into the dark house as I kicked off my shoes. "Are you still up?" No answer. I didn't expect one, though. For as long as I'd lived with Lisa, she never stayed awake long enough to see me come home on late nights in the lab. My research team was still dropping the night shifts on me from the few times I offered to stay late to finish up freshman year. Back then, they had lives to get to, and I just had a past I was running from. I wished I could leave early so I could actually spend time with my girlfriend, but I couldn't get out of it now.

Lisa didn't like that I was away so much, but she knew how important my research was to me. She didn't know the full story about why I was trying to find answers about unstable _paratas_ , how they became unstable and how their bodies change with their powers, but she didn't push me anymore. When we first found out we were both going to Northham for college, something we didn't learn until our freshman math class second semester, she tried to get her own answers out of me. She wanted to know about him and why I flinched when it rained. She wanted to know about the chain I kept tucked under my shirt and never showed anyone. She wanted to know about the scars lining my wrist and why I never used my powers, especially my fire control. She wanted so many things from me, but I wasn't ready. I still wasn't ready. It took so long for us to get to a place where we both forgave each other for how we left things back in March and were okay with being left in the dark about sone things. But, eventually, we became friends again. Then, we became more than that.

Our relationship was strange, but it was good. I had someone to ease my mind when I woke up from nightmares about burning alive or watching someone I love move around like a marionette. That was something I hadn't had in a while. It wasn't anywhere near my last relationship; it was nice, though. Sure, I didn't love her like I loved him, but it was alright.

"Lisa?" I tried again. Man, that girl could sleep like a rock. Giving up, I went into the kitchen with the hopes of Mrs. Braeden's meatloaf still in the fridge from yesterday. Instead, I found a freshly baked blueberry pie with a card propped against the pan.

_Happy birthday, Dean. You always say no one makes_ _good_ _blueberry pie around here, so I took a stab at it. I hope_ _it_ _lives_ _up_ _to your expectations._ _I've_ _got a present for you, but_ _you'll_ _have to wait until morning to get it. Then I've got another for tomorrow night when you're not changing the world. ;) I love you._

_Yours always,_  
_Lisa_

Taking a slice of pie, I smiled bitterly at the plate. Lisa was right; no one makes good blueberry pie in Northham. She just didn't know that every blueberry pie tasted bland after that Christmas. She didn't know that I couldn't eat it without thinking of him. The way he looked with flour covering his face and how it felt to kiss him against the counter in his kitchen. The way he tossed blueberries into his mouth while the pie cooked and made it every time. The way his blue eyes matched the filling when he was angry. The way those eyes looked when under Azazel's control. The way his screams pierced the air and how his body tried to fight the pain because he was trying to save me. The empty look on his face when he told me to forget about him.

I slammed my fork onto the table. I had to stop. I couldn't keep doing this to myself: torturing myself with these memories was killing me.

I knew I had to move on, but it was so hard when the person I loved didn't exist anymore and someone else was in his body. It would've been easier, I think, if he would've remembered and broke up with me or if I never knew he was alive after they _found_ his body. At least, then, it would have felt real and final. I just felt so lost because the person I loved was still here, but I'd never be able to be with him. He didn't remember me or our relationship. He didn't even remember himself. Of course, I was glad he was alive; I was just selfish and wanted things to be back to the way they were before.

I poked around at the pie, eventually dumping the small piece in the garbage and putting the rest in the fridge. I shouldn't be moping around. Life was good. Mom and Dad were doing great. Zayn was planning on proposing to Jo this summer, which he asked my permission to do after he got Dad's approval. I said yes, obviously; Zayn was practically already family, and I couldn't wait to be an uncle. Sam was graduating next year, and he'd spent the past few years dating a girl named Eileen. They were such a cute couple, and Sam was so happy. I had my own relationship and my own friends here. I never lost touch with Benny or Adam, and Charlie and I got caught up every few months or so. My friendship with Meg, though, fizzled out after she broke up with Benny last year and things got awkward between us. I put all the bad of my past behind me and started a new life. And yet, nothing felt right without him.

_I'm_ _happy,_ I told myself. _This is a good life. He's safe now; there's nothing_ _I_ _can do about what happened. I can't go back and fix things._

That had become my mantra lately. I really needed it with Valentine's Day coming soon. Even if he didn't die, I still lost him that day. I just needed something to keep me going.

I made my way into my bedroom. Our bedroom. Lisa should be the thing keeping me going, I knew that. She certainly kept me grounded, but she could only help so much. I sat on the bed and brushed a piece of hair out of her face.

"Why do you put up with me?" I asked her, not expecting a reply. She sighed in response, which made me smile. "I don't deserve you, not when I'm in love with someone else. It's not fair to you, but I'm so damn selfish." Lisa nuzzled her face into the pillow as she mumbled out something I didn't catch. "I can't even tell you the truth about him. You still think I'm mourning, don't you? You-"

I trailed off, biting my lip. Eventually, I was pulled out of my thoughts by my phone ringing. My heart skipped a beat. _Shit. Maybe something really was wrong with Jo. I definitely should've answered earlier._

My phone was still in the kitchen, but when I picked it up to answer it, a knock came from the door. I let the call go to my voicemail as I answered the slightly panicked knocking.

_What_ _the fuck?_

I had to be dreaming. This couldn't be real. Yet there he was, standing on my doorstep.

"Cas?" I choked out. He looked alive again, pretty much back to normal. Tight jeans, old sweater, slightly ruffled hair that had been styled earlier in the day. He was taller; he was just an inch or two shorter than me now. There was a hint of stubble on his face and dark circles under his eyes, but it was him. It was Cas. Oh God, it was _my_ Cas.

He gave me a nervous smile, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Hey, Dean. Is this a bad time?"


End file.
